Swatteam and the Potato

by _Rainbow_Swag_

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Pinkie Pie, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 4415

Swatteam x potato

"Alright I'm just gonna say it. Just because some characters are inside a heart doesn't mean it's a love thing or anything. Observe.
*walks into a heart and holds a potato in my hand* Now look I am inside a heart with a potato... do I have feelings for this potato? No... no not really. Demonstration over. "

^This is a quote from the sort-of-famous Swatteam1013 about his opinion on true love. What happens next is something none of EQD could have ever expected...

Published 2012-10-08 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-26 20:51:57 UTC

First Impressions

Swatteam1013 stared at the potato in his hand. It was a nice light shade of brown, almost yellow. He rubbed his hands along the smooth, perfectly round surface. Pinkie wanted to eat this for dinner. How could you eat something as perfect as this? Suddenly, the potato slipped from Swat's grasp and fell to the floor with a soft thud. He cringed. It was almost as if he knew the pain the potato felt as it hit the hard kitchen floor. It was as if he and the potato were connected in some way or another.

Swat picked the potato up and felt it's surface again.

A bruise.

He had bruised the poor thing. He quickly gathered up some medical supplies and went to work. Very carefully, Swat wrapped the potato in gauze, all the while apologizing deeply to it. When he was finally finished, he stepped back and looked over his patient.

Wait a minute... This is a potato! It's not a living, breathing thing! Swat flung it onto a couch and the potato settled into a sort of sitting position. He stared at it for a while. What was he just feeling? It was sort of like the feeling he gets when he sees Pinkie Pie, but... different. When he looked at Pinkie Pie, he felt amazing. He loved everything about Pinkie Pie. To him, she was one perfect package all rolled into one, her craziness, her partiness, her laughter...ness, her happiness, that part of her mane that stuck out in front of her face, that bushy cotton candy like tail, the way she ate everything sugary in sight, her deafeningly cute puppy dog face, her cuteness in general, dat innocence, he loved it all! She was even a girl that could cook! Who'd be crazy enough to not want her!? But, this feeling... this feeling was a little different. There wasn't any special reason he felt this way in front of the potato. It looked, and acted, like a regular potato. But the simplicity of the vegetable just made it that much more beautiful in his eyes.

Finally, Swat found himself walking, almost hovering, over to the potato.

"Um, hi..." He said, feeling his face getting red. "Again, I'm so sorry for hurting you like that."

The potato sat, silent.

"If you need anything else, and I mean anything else, please, don't hesitate to ask." Without even realizing it, Swatteam had been sitting by the potato, getting closer and more comfortable with it. "Anything..." He stared at the potato, feeling that same feeling he had been feeling since he first laid his eyes on it.

And, somehow, he knew the potato could feel it too.

Carousel Boutique

Robotbob123 sat at Carousel Boutique, sipping his banana juice. He stared at the beautiful white mare in front of him, measuring his waist size and build in order to create a suitable tuxedo to fit him. He had his first meeting with the rest of the staff of Equestria Megathreads tonight, and he needed to make sure he made a handsome appearance. If this site was gonna work, he had to make it look good. Rarity's hair was in perfect position, as usual. It was the kind of hair that you just want to.. to feel all day long...

"Um, sir, may I ask you what you are doing?"

Bob stopped. Just now he realized he had been petting Rarity softly on her head, feeling her clean, thick head of purple hair.

"Sorry," Bob said, blushing.

Rarity stood up straight. "It's fine, Darling." She smiled. "I know the perfect size for you. Now, which of these ties would you prefer?" She held up an abundance of ties, all of them seeming the exact same color to Bob.

"They're all blue." He said, raising an eyebrow.

Rarity scoffed. "Why, they are not!" She started holding individual ties up for Bob to see clearer. "You see, this one is Han Blue. There are also Indigo, Klein Blue, Majorelle Blue, Maya blue, Midnight Blue, Navy Blue, Periwinkle, Persian Blue, Powder Blue, Prussian Blue, Royal Blue, Sapphire, Sky Blue, Steel Blue, Ultramarine, Yale Blue, Cyan, Alice Blue, Aqua, Aquamarine, Baby Blue, Bondi Blue, Cerulean, Electric blue, Robin Egg Blue, Teal, Turquoise, and Viridian."

"What?" Bob asked, realizing he had just zoned out.

"No matter," The unicorn giggled at Bob's short attention span. "I think the Sapphire tie will suit you nicely." As she started measuring Robotbob's neck, a tiny bell rang and a smiling Swatteam walked into the boutique.

"I'll be with you in one minute." Rarity said, finding the right size for Bob's neck and trotting happily into a room at the back of the store, closing the door behind her.

Swatteam was sitting on a soft chair by the door. "Bob." He said. "I'm glad I found you. Listen, I can't make the meeting tonight."

"What!?" Bob exclaimed. "But, this is our first meeting! You can't miss it!"

"I know it sounds bad, but I have a perfectly good reason."

"And what exactly is that?"

"I have a date tonight."

"BAHAHAHAHHA!" Bob was rolling on the floor, laughing. "You? On a date? That's funny. But seriously, what's the reason?"

Swat was offended. "That is the reason."

Bob stood up. "Oh yeah? Then, what's her name?"

Swat frowned. "I... I honestly don't know."

"Swat." Bob put his foreleg around his friend. "I know this is a big responsibility for you, helping with this new blog and everything, but you can't just run away from your problems."

Swatteam pulled away from Bob's embrace. "I'm not lying!"

Just then, Rarity came back out from her back room, still smiling. "Mr. Bob, I will have your suite ready by tonight. You can come pick it up at around six o'clock."

"Thank you so much." Bob replied. "And I apologize for coming at such short notice."

"That's quite alright, Darling. I like a little challenge sometimes."

Robotbob grabbed his hat from the rack, put on his coat, and looked at Swat. Without saying anything, he placed his hat on his head and walked out of Carousel Boutique's front door.

"So, what can I do for you, sir?" Rarity was always kind to Swatteam, although they rarely ever saw each other.

"I would like you to make a dress for me, please." Swat paused. "I mean, not a dress for me, but-"

Swat was cut off by Rarity hoof to his mouth. "You don't have to explain anything to me, Darling. I won't judge you for what you like to wear in your spare time." She smirked. "And trust me, I can keep a secret."

Great, now Bob thought he was a liar and Rarity thought he was a transvestite.

"What kind of dress would you like?" Rarity continued the conversation as if nothing was awkward.

"I want it to be pink." Swat told her. He loved when a girl wore pink. "And the waistline should be about four centimeters."

The First Date

The potato looked extravagant in the dim light illuminating from the single candle on the middle of the table. She was wearing a bright pink dress with a silver necklace around her. She and Swatteam sat there quietly, neither of them daring to break the silence in that little fancy restaurant at the far end of Ponyville.

Swat was thinking hard about something, and he knew the potato could notice his worried facial expression and downward-facing eyes. He had no intention of telling her what he was so engrossed in thought about, but it was definitely something that involved her.

What was Swat to do about the situation he was in? He loved Pinkie Pie, and he knew Pinkie Pie loved him back (even though she rarely said it), but when he was with this potato his world lit up. The potato listened to him, and, even though she wasn't the most talkative thing, he felt comfortable having a conversation with her. When he tried talking to Pinkie, he would usually get all choked up and his cheeks would get red, and then she would laugh that little laugh he knows so well...

The waiter walked up to the table, ready to take their order. "What can I get for you, sir?"

"I would like a hay sandwich with some veggie juice." Swat said, smiling politely at the waiter. "And the lady will have the imported grass with a strawberry shake."

The waiter stared at the potato for a few seconds, then looked back at Swatteam. "Um, okay. Coming right up!" He slowly walked away from the table, looking at the potato a while longer before looking forward again and shaking his head. He mumbled something to himself, and then was out of Swat's sight.

Swatteam didn't know what to do about this whole potato-Pinkie thing, but tonight wasn't for making tough decisions, tonight was for him to bond with the potato, to get to know it better. Unfortunately, Swat hadn't been on a date in ages, and he was having a difficult time starting a conversation.

"So, uh, how about them Yankees?"

The potato remained silent, staring at him from her little booster seat across the table.

"I'm not a big hockey fan either..." Swat poked at the appetizer with his fork. "You want some?"

The potato stared, despite it's lack of eyes. Swatteam had just noticed how strange that was. He found it rather creepy that his date didn't have a face.

Soon, the waiter came back with their meal, and quickly walked away without saying anything, staring at the potato as if it had three heads. It seemed to Swatteam that everyone was staring at them that night, in the silence of that little fancy restaurant at the far end of Ponyville.

Looking Deeper

It was a cold autumn afternoon, and Swatteam1013 had gotten up early this morning, eager to finish his chores in time to take a walk to the Ponyville Library. He couldn't remember the last time he had woken up that early. He quickly and sloppily finished his chores, put on his coat, and made his way out of Pinkie Pie's room and down the steps of Sugarcube Corner, making sure to say good morning to Mr. and Mrs. Cake as they served pony after pony their delicious pastries and sweets.

Swat stepped out the door and into the chilly streets of Ponyville. He sternly made his way toward the library. There was someone he needed to talk to.

As Swatteam walked through the busy streets on that cold afternoon, he thought harder than he had ever thought in his life. Today was the day he had to make a decision: Pinkie Pie or the potato. Tonight, Pinkie was going on a trip to Canterlot with her friends, and if he didn't choose by then she might meet some rich unicorn and forget all about him.

Soon, Swat was standing in front of the Ponyville Library. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled. Then he stepped through the door. Twilight was snuggled on a chair, reading a book and drinking hot chocolate. She looked up at him and smiled warmly. Swatteam closed the door behind him and walked forward.

"Um, hi Twilight..."

"Hello, Swatteam. What brings you here? Do you want to rent a book? What kind of book do you want? We have books about all sorts of things! SPIKE!"

The green baby dragon ran into the room, stood up straight, and saluted. "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!"

"Actually," Swat stopped Twilight before she got out of her chair. "I'm not looking for a book. I came here to ask you for some advice."

Twilight's ears perked up. "A friendship problem?"

"Not exactly..."

Spike was still in his soldier's stance.

"At ease, Spike." Twilight told him. "Get Swatteam here some hot chocolate, please."

"Aye, aye, captain!"

"With two marshmallows," Swat smiled at Spike. "Please."

Spike nodded his head and ran out of the room.

"Now, take a seat and tell me about this problem you're having." Twilight sounded concerned.

Swat took a seat by the fire. "It's nothing, really. Just a mare problem I... I mean a friend of mine is having." Swat patted himself on the back for such a clever save.

Twilight smiled. "Ah, romance. A stallion's biggest weakness. What's the problem? Do you want to break up with her?"

"No, not at all!" Swat replied. "It's just that there's someone else. He has strong feelings for both of them, but he has to choose one. What should he do?"

As Spike brought Swatteam his hot chocolate (with only one marshmallow, to Swat's dissapointment), Twilight pondered this a moment, then responded sternly. "It seems you do have a problem here."

"You mean my friend," Swat corrected.

"Sure. Now, a decision like this takes time to come to. One does not simply flip a bit. You need to ask yourself this: what kind of relationship do you want, and who will most likely give that to you?"

Swat paused. What kind of relationship did he want? Well, he would love to date someone like him: talkative, funny, always having a good time. He wanted someone who would listen to him, and take his problems seriously. He wanted someone who wasn't only a great partner, but also a great friend.

"Now I want you to do this," Twilight waited a while for Swat to think about the first question. "Balance the pros and cons of each mare being your partner. Who is a better match for you. You are always building on your reputation, Swatteam, always. Everything you do builds on your character. With every decision you make, you must ask yourself this: Is this really me? What will this do for me?"

Swat thought for a moment, but it didn't take long for him to come to a final decision. He knew who he wanted. He had knew since the beginning...

"Thanks for the hot cocoa, Twilight." Swat was saying as he opened the door in a hurry. "And I really owe you for what you did for me today."

Twilight smiled. "You'll make the right choice. I know you will."

And, as Swat ran out into the cold and closed the door behind him, and Spike went back to dusting shelves, Twilight looked back down at her book, and took another sip of her hot, hot chocolate on that cold, cold autumn day.

A Stallion's Choice

It had started to rain, and Swatteam1013 had forgotten his coat at the library. Still, he galloped at full speed across Ponyville, freezing his flank off while splashing around mud puddles until his hooves seemed naturally brown. Nevertheless, he endured the rain on his fur and the mud on his hooves, for he was focused on something much more important. Soon, the train station came into sight, and Swat ran even faster.

Pinkie Pie was the love of his life, and he was determined to let her know that. No vegetable could get between the two of them. Her train left at six O'clock, and by the time he had left the library it was already about 5:50. His hooves couldn't take much more of this intense exercise, but he had to do this. He had to tell Pinkie his true feelings, if for no other reason than to end this whole thing and go on with his life. When he finally reached the station, he paused.

The train was gone.

Swat panicked. He turned to a very old mare next to him and caught his breath.

"Excuse me.... do you know..... the time?" Swat huffed and puffed.

The mare turned her head slowly to look at him. "Why it's eleventy-nine O'clock."

Swat didn't have time for this. He ran to a small colt a few yards away. "Did the train to Canterlot leave yet?"

"It's 6:03, sir," the colt replied. "The train left at 6."

Swat felt an emptiness wash over him. He was too late. The colt walked away, and Swatteam1013 sat in the rain and looked down. For once, he could not find words to express his emotion. His coat and mane were soaked, his legs were muddy, and he could feel tears swelling in his eyes. He tried his best to fight them, but they rolled down his cheeks anyway and splashed in the dirty puddles on the ground.

He rested his head on the wet dirt, not caring for cleanliness anymore. He was lying there, outside the train station, in the pouring rain, not moving, as if he had died.

That was how he felt.

"Looking for somepony?"

Swat's ears sprang up at the sound of a familiar voice behind him. He immediately got to his feet and turn around to face a pink pony with a stern look on her face, holding up a blue umbrella.

"Pinkie..." Swat couldn't find the words to say. He was still standing in the rain outside Pinkie's umbrella, hesitating whether to go under it with her. "I... I thought your train left..."

"Oh, I had some more important things to do than visit Canterlot. Word on the street is my stallion has been fooling around with another mare. Care to explain?" She looked angry. Swat had never seen her like this before.

"Pinkie, I can explain. She came onto me, and-" Swat couldn't finish his sentence before Pinkie burst out into laughter.

"GOTCHA! HAHAAHAHHAHAHAH!" She was almost rolling on the ground by now, and Swat was very confused. "Oh, Swat, do you really think I would be mad? I mean, it's a potato! A potato, Swat!" She kept on laughing.

After processing this information, and realizing that Pinkie Pie had just pranked him, Swatteam let out a small chuckle, and then another. Soon he was laughing almost as hard as Pinkie. She grabbed him and pulled him under her umbrella, her forehoof around his shoulders.

Then she looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry for ignoring you," she said in a more serious tone. "It's just, there has been so much stress at work, and-"

Swat cut off her apology by lifting her up in a huge, muddy embrace. He hugged her so hard that she could barely breathe, then set her back down. "I love you, Pinkie Pie."

"I love you too, Swatteam."

So Swatteam1013 and Pinkie Pie walked all the way back to Sugar Cube Corner, keeping close under the umbrella. Although, they didn't seem to mind the wind and rain at all. They were too busy joking and laughing all the way home, and Swatteam1013 finally knew what made him happy.

The Heart

"Swat!"

...

"SWAT!"

"I'm coming, Sweetie!" Swatteam1013 called from up the stairs as he quickly got dressed. Like every other day, he had woken up late. As he rushed down the stairs, Pinkie Pie sat at the couch, looking like a million bits. "You look amazing, Honeybunch."

"Don't call me 'Honeybunch,'" said Pinkie Pie, rolling her eyes. "Or 'Sweetie'. Now, come on! I'm going into town now so I need you to: sweep the kitchen, do the dishes, pull the weeds, mow the lawn, do the laundry (make sure to separate colors and whites), vacuum the house, clean my room, dust the walls and ceiling fixtures, clean the bathrooms, get that nasty stuff out of the gutter, sweep the chimney, and reorganize the refrigerator and cupboards."

Swat smiled. "Anything for you, my love."

"Yeah, okay." Pinkie said as she skipped out the door, not even glancing back at him. "I'll see you in a while!"

"I love you!" Swat called, but Pinkie had already closed the door behind her. She must have been in too much of a rush to say she loved him back.

Now, first thing was first, Swat opened his laptop and quickly went to Equestriadaily.com. What luck! It was 6:00! He was just in time for a post! He scanned what Sethisto was rambling on about and looked at the picture to go along with the post. He frowned. There was a picture of Fluttershy and Pinkie both inside a huge heart. He got nervous, then reassured himself. "Pinkie wouldn't do that to me. We're together forever!" Still, he could feel a hint of jealousy in his heart. "Fluttershy isn't even that cute..." Swat lied to himself. "And besides, if they were together, she would break up with me first." The thought of Pinkie Pie breaking his heart like that worried Swat even more. He closed his laptop.

No. It was just a picture. Pinkie was his true love. Just because they were in a heart didn't mean.... well, it didn't mean anything. Swat took that thought and went on with it.

"Yeah!" He said aloud. "A heart around two ponies doesn't mean anything! You can put a heart around anything! Just because a potato and I have a heart around us doesn't mean we're in love or anything!" To prove his point to himself, Swat grabbed a potato from the kitchen, snatched up a large piece of paper and a red crayon, and drew himself a crude heart. He stood in the heart, potato in hoof. "There! see!" He said to no one. Then he looked at the potato. The nice, round, beautiful potato...

Rumor Has It

"Mic!" Robotbob was running frantically, his hooves growing more and more tired with every step they took on the hard sidewalk of Ponyville. He really needed to work out more. "Mic the Microphone!" Bob was never good at finding Mic's house, despite the fact that he had been there more times than he could count.

Suddenly, somepony's door opened and Bob ran right into it, losing his hat (and his dignity) in the process. He lay there, eyes closed, feeling like he was just hit by a freight train. Staring down at him was a gray unicorn, looking concerned.

"Oh crap!" The stallion yelled. "I killed him!" He looked around, then grabbed Bob's collar in his mouth and dragged him into his house, shutting the door and locking it. "Come on, get up, get up!" The unicorn panicked. He ran into the kitchen and got a pail of water. Wait, why did he just have a ready pail of water in his kitchen? Nevermind that, now was the time for action! He tried splashing the water at Bob's face, accidentally letting go of the pail and watching it hit the poor pony right in the forehead. Ouch.

"Wait a minute." He smiled. He just realized this was his friend, Robotbob. He laughed. "What a drama queen." Then he leaned close to Bob so that they were face to face, and he burped.

Bob sniffed, finally coming to his senses. He opened one eye and smiled. "Oh, that's nothing!" He stood up and let out a huge burp to challenge his friend's original burp. They both laughed. The gray stallion rustled Bob's hair.

"So, what were you screaming about out there?"

Bob looked confused, then remembered why he had come to Mic's house in the first place. "Oh, yeah! I need to tell you something."

"Spit it out!" The musician urged.

Bob told Mic the whole story of how Rarity was totally flirting with him at Carousel Boutique, and that she kept commenting his hair and telling him how handsome he was, when he forgot what the point was that he was trying to get across.

"Oh yeah! And then Swatteam walked in while Rarity was making her move on me, and he was acting all weird, so I went to his house to see what was up, and guess what?"

"What?"

"You have to guess."

"Just tell me!"

"Okay, okay! Here it is: HE'S IN LOVE WITH A POTATO." Bob laughed hysterically. "A potato! Only Swat can be that crazy."

"Yeah," Mic said, eyes shifting from side to side, "crazy..."

Epilogue: Mic and the Potato

"Shhh, it's okay. Nopony can hurt you now." Mic the Microphone whispered as he snuggled by the fire with his beloved vegetable, listening to the rain pelt on the windows. "I won't let the big bad Swatteam break your heart ever again."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and Mic panicked. He shoved the potato under a pillow and got up. He composed himself and went to the door, opening it to see a smiling Robotbob in the doorway.

"Oh, yeah!" Mic said, facehoofing. "I completely forgot that it was time for our pogo practice! I'm so sorry, but I really can't go today."

"That's okay." Bob walked in without being invited and placed his hat on a rack. "We can just play cards for a while." He went over to the chair by the fire.

"NO!" Mic exclaimed, and Bob stopped.

"What?"

"It's just, uh," Mic tried his best to think up something that would keep Bob from sitting down right on the potato. "That's my seat!"

Bob was confused. "Oh?" He smirked. "So, I can't do this?" He slowly started lowering his plot toward the chair.

"Really, Bob. My, uh, grandma died on that seat."

Bob smiled even more as he lowered his bottom down until it was just above the pillow the potato was under. That potato had already been bruised, and Mic knew it would not be able to take much more abuse before it... before it...

"PLEASE, NO!" Mic ran at Bob and jumped.

He was too late. Robotbob sat down right on the pillow. Mic landed right on top of him, and he could hear a soft squishing sound coming from under Bob's plot. They both got up, and Mic slowly lifted the pillow to reveal the carnage underneath. It was a mess.

"Oh, sorry, Mic. I'll pay for it to be cleaned."

It took the musician a while to realize he was talking about the chair. "There is no amount of money that can fix this."

"What? Yeah there is. It'll only take, like seventy bits to get it all off, and I know someone that can give us a discount."

"Get out." Mic pointed his hoof at the door, still staring at the remains of his love.

"What?"

"Get out!"

"Alright, alright! Sheesh, it's only a chair." Bob grabbed his hat and walked out the door into the rain.

Mic knelt down next to the chair, lifting the mashed potato up in his hoofs, and screamed to the heavens. "WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????"