The Night Mare Before Hearth's Warming
The Very Model of a Modern Major Holiday
The Realm of Chaos decided to spin like a record today.
Of course, some of the random bits of this and that simply spun, while others moved in circles like a smacked tetherball.
Needless to say, Discord, the Lord of Chaos, didn't get many visitors.
Still, because of that, the chimerical draconequus had learned to value those he did get. The day after tomorrow was circled on the calendar, holding it in place while the other dates danced and swapped positions. That was Hearth’s Warming. A holiday that had taken him over a millennium to actually enjoy. But he'd learned—
There was a knock at the door.
Discord's body spun around, and his hand grabbed his head to turn it around too. That mail pony must have found his way back.
But when he opened the door, he found neither rain, sleet, nor shine, but rather the moon. Or at least the princess of it.
Princess Luna wasn't a figure Discord had ever expected to see on his doorstep, unless it was to burn his house down. But there were no torches in sight. Her head was hung slightly, her gaze nervously off to one side. Her wings were shuffling.
Of course, this was glimpsed in a nanosecond. When she thought he could see her, which was actually a second or so after he could actually see her, her posture straightened, and she forced a smile. “Good morrow, Discord! My apologies for my sudden arrival. I have something important to speak with you about. May I come in?”
“Princess!” Discord greeted with just a little more warmth than was necessary. “How'd you know I love the unexpected? Best Hearth’s Warming gift ever! Get in here!”
He snapped his fingers, teleporting the house perfectly so that a chair at his kitchen table appeared under her.
The princess of the moon let out a yelp at her involuntary housing. But shook it off with a shuffle of her wings. “Erm… You're welcome? And thank you.”
Discord drew a letter T on a piece of paper, then tilted it to pour two cups of tea. “And thank you for tolerating my theatrics, when you've clearly come here with something on your mind! Feel free to spill.” He handed her a cup. “Your problems. Not the tea. Although my carpet has been a bit boring lately…”
That at least got a small laugh out of her. “You are indeed correct. I've troubles that few can understand, save you and I.”
Discord threw his teacup into his mouth, chewing it with crunchy glass noises. “I see! Then it must be an issue with your return to Equestria.” It wasn't a hard deduction to make. It was the biggest thing they had in common: being evil at one point, getting sealed away, and coming back after huge amounts of time had passed.
“Yes!” She said eagerly. “You see, I had a bit of an… issue earlier. Apparently, Hearth's Warming traditions have changed a lot since my day.”
“What happened?” Discord asked, overcome with curiosity.
Luna looked away. “I do not wish to discuss it.”
“That's fine! I can watch for myself!”
“No! Wait!”
Discord pulled open a gap in reality; a literal window to the past.
Luna's voice echoed out. “What do you MEAN we don't threaten people during caroling anymore!? Those swine did not provide us recompense! It flies in the face of the concept of generosity!”
Luna covered her face with her hooves in morbid embarrassment.
Discord mercifully let the hole snap closed. “I don't understand why we stopped that tradition either, honestly. But did you really need the food offered from that?”
“We weren't exactly well-off before we were princesses. But that's not the point.” Luna stirred her tea, looking down into it with a frown. “The point is, Celestia is now worried for me. I wish to ease her mind, by learning up on the modern traditions of Hearth's Warming.”
“Why not go to Books for Brains, like you did for Nightmare Night?”
“Twilight Sparkle is planning her own festivities,” Luna replied. “She is likely too busy to help me. I do not wish to bother her.”
Discord harrumphed. “Oh, so my time is less valuable than hers?”
Luna sipped her tea to cover a sheepish expression. “Well, given your powers over space and time, I thought that aiding me would not lose you any time at all.”
Discord folded his arms and turned his nose up. “That may be true, but the assumption is still hurtful.”
Luna flinched. “Oh. My sincerest apol—”
“Alright, you've convinced me!” Discord was suddenly sunnier than Celestia. “I'll help you make the most modern Hearth's Warming of all time! Until the next one.”
Luna finally relaxed with a relieved smile. “Thank you so mu—”
But Discord had already picked her up, rapidly dragging her through the portal. “Allons-y!”
They vanished so quickly that Luna’s cup landed on the floor, shattering it. The floor shattered, that is, not the cup. With no floor, all the decorations in his house fell to the ceiling.
Luna suddenly found her backside plopped onto a tile floor. The odd quiet of Discord's chaotic cabin was replaced with the din of a crowd. She had to shield her eyes from the lights.
They were in a big, open building, with other floors actually visible above them. The place was filled with various stores and restaurants.
Discord appeared next to her, wearing a green army helmet. “Alright! Gift shopping is an important part of Hearth's Warming, but the mall is a battlefield! Everyone is looking to get their last minute prep done, by any means necessary!”
He pointed menacingly at a passing soccer mom. “I know what you did!”
She narrowed her eyes, glaring at him.
Discord took his helmet off and turned away. “Mall ponies are unholy beings.”
“So we should feel at home?” Luna joked awkwardly.
That actually made him smirk. “Touché! Now, you'll want to get gifts for everypony at your party. Who is coming?”
Luna froze in alarm. “I… had not thought that far ahead.”
“Nothing wrong with spontaneous, rash decisions,” he assured. “Pick the first thing that comes into your mind!”
Luna tried, she really did. But all the noise was a bit too much for her. She could hardly think. Her mind felt like it was stuffed with marshmallow fluff.
Of course, that's when the first little pair of eyes spotted her.
For you see, ever since that first Nightmare Night in Ponyville, Luna had found herself a very exciting sight for the foals of Equestria. Being the one to ease their nightmares also helped her become extremely popular among Equestria’s youth.
And thus, the cacophony increased tenfold.
“Princess Woona!”
“Your majesty!”
“Thank you for helping me through my peanut butter nightmares!”
Luna found herself suddenly surrounded on all sides by an army of colts and fillies. She was almost knocked over by the tidal wave of cheery greetings.
Discord, of course, just sat back and enjoyed the chaos.
“Children!” Luna said desperately. “Please, calm down!”
But her voice was lost in the maelstrom.
“Is Princess Celestia here too?”
“Am I dreaming right now? Is this a nightmare?”
“Princess Luna, the Canterlot Times wants to know, why are you hanging out with Discord!?”
Luna grit her teeth, her temper quickly starting to boil. The voices faded into a homogeneous hum, giving her a worse and worse headache, until she just couldn't take it anymore. She took a deep breath, and yelled before she could think.
“Be still!”
The royal voice was quite effective for silencing crowds, but it was also a very good way of getting the entire mall to look in her direction.
Discord waved them off. “Relax, everyone! Just everyday mall screaming.”
Whether screaming was so common that that made sense, or Discord had worked some kind of mental magic, it worked. Everyone just shrugged and went about their business.
Well, everyone that is, except the foals. The ones who now had teary eyes and quivery lower lips from being yelled at.
Luna flinched. “I-I’m sorry for yelling! I-I am just… shopping?” She cleared her throat. “For Hearth’s Warming. It's very stressful.”
One filly’s eyes widened. “Oh! Oh! I know! It's like Nightmare Night!”
Luna frowned. “Pardon?”
“On Nightmare Night, we all give you candy,” the filly explained. “You're shopping. So does that mean on Hearth's Warming, you're gonna give us stuff?”
Every little pair of ears in the crowd perked up.
“Uh oh…” Discord didn't need an infinite knowledge of space and time to guess what was about to happen. No amount of magical mind control could stop it.
Indeed, Luna was mobbed once again. This time, it was with demands for gifts so loud that not even the royal we could blast them off.
Thankfully, there was a god of chaos here to help manage this… well, chaos.
With a snap of his fingers, the children were suddenly distracted by something even more impressive than the moon princess. A massive stage had materialized in the middle of the mall, already decked out with props and scenery.
The foals recognized what this was immediately. “The Hearth’s Warming Pageant!” they cheered, bouncing up and down at speeds that would unnerve Pinkie Pie.
“What is all this?” Luna asked, relieved as she was to have their attention drawn away.
“Every year, it’s become tradition to re-enact the story of the founding of Equestria,” Discord explained. “Personally, I find it rather dull to just repeat the same story again and again, especially since I was there, but the children seem to like it.”
“I think that stage is blocking off half the mall,” Luna pointed out, hearing muffled cries for help from the other side.
“That just makes it an exclusive show, and being exclusive makes it more special.” A director’s chair appeared beneath him as he started flipping through a script. “Now then, we best hurry up and find some actors. Even I can’t just poof up raw talent.”
“Yes you can.”
“Okay, yes, but that’s not as fun.”
Three familiar fillies now stood on stage, already in period costume.
Unfortunately, none of them had been properly informed of their roles.
"How'd I get here?" Applebloom looked around wildly in panic.
"I WAS PULLED THROUGH A DIMENSION OF INFINITE TERROR!" Sweetie Belle shrieked.
Scootaloo drooled slightly on her armor.
Discord snapped his fingers, restoring the fillies to sanity. "Sorry about that! I meant to bring you directly here. The Warp must have been in the way."
"So these children are meant to embody the roles of Chancellor Puddinghead, Princess Platinum, and Commander Hurricane?" Luna shook her head. "As much as I value the nurturing of young minds, I fear such legendary roles may be beyond them. If this pageant truly is tradition, then I must do my part to make the recreation as historically accurate as possible."
She bowed her head and her horn glowed a bright purple. "Spirits from beyond, lend us your aid!"
The whole stage shook, cast in a ghastly glow. Even Discord looked a little spooked. "Erm, Luna? What exactly are you...?"
Scootaloo gave a shudder, standing up straight as her eyes glowed purple. "All I desire to know is why thou earth ponies are partaking of excessive foodstuffs!"
Applebloom soon followed. "Us?! WE are not guilty of this gluttony, THOU are! Oh, hold, thou art right. 'Tis us. Well, 'tis only 'cause thou uncouth pegasi are bringing about a winter most foul!"
Scootaloo stomped a hoof. "For thine hundredth time, 'tis not us! We are not the bringers of this blizzard! It can only be the unicorns! This is the work of their wicked sorcery!"
Sweetie Belle gasped. "How DAREST thou! Unlike thou winged brigands, we unicorns would ne'r lower ourselves to such befuddlery! Hmph!"
Discord raised a claw, then lowered it again. "Did you just—?"
"Summon the spirits of the actual founders to possess the bodies of these youths and re-enact the events of the founding?" Luna answered. "Yes. It was a difficult spell to learn, but invaluable in the pursuit of knowledge. As a sidenote, Twilight Sparkle is not to learn of this."
Discord watched the growing chaos with no small amount of concern. A rare event for him. "Do you think having them possess the CMC might be... Oh, what do the kids call it?" He poofed a dictionary into existence and flipped through it. "...Going too far?"
"Hm?" Luna glanced at him in surprise. "No, I don't think so. I've done this before on their request. They wanted cutie marks as mediums, you see, and I didn't want them going off to find a less responsible necromancer. That went fairly well." She turned to the possessed fillies. "Art thou well?" She called.
The purple glow faded briefly. "Yeah, we're good!" Scootaloo assured.
"Ask next time though!" Sweetie added.
"Ah, mine apologies!" Luna said bashfully. "It was short notice! I'll get permission next time."
They all nodded. The glow returned to their eyes, and they resumed arguing.
For their part, the local foals all seemed to be enjoying the show, even though they likely couldn't understand a word of it. As Discord said, they had already experienced the story several times before, and now Princess Luna was offering them something new.
It brought a smile to her face to see them so engrossed. Honestly, she was getting pretty immersed herself. She could almost feel the bitter cold from that ancient conflict.
She shivered. This was no immersion. "D-Discord!"
Chill winds swept through the mall, snowfall piling up at an alarming rate. It was getting so intense that she was starting to have trouble seeing anything, let alone the play.
But what she could see was Discord, dressed in a full parka and winter goggles but otherwise unperturbed. "What? I wanted to help you make this historically accurate."
"By summoning a blizzard?!"
"Of course not!" He waved his lion's paw dismissively. "They did!"
The foals were no longer enjoying the show, running around in a panic as the forms of icy stallions began to appear within the storm, circling the stage. "You brought actual windigos here?!"
"You have no idea how hard it is to find them in this day and age."
"But I don't understand! Even if you summoned them here, they need a constant flow of fighting and hatred to feed off of!"
"It's a shopping mall on Hearth's Warming Eve. If anything, they're overeating."
"Discord!"
"Oh, fine!"
He snapped his fingers and the blizzard disappeared. As did the windigos, the stage, and the spirits from beyond.
This left a group of traumatized foals, their angry parents, and an untold amount of destruction.
"I think this would be a good time for a scene transition." Discord clapped his hands together and pulled them apart to conjure a long, black bar. Then he threw it down.
The next thing Luna knew, she and Discord were standing in the middle of the snow-covered Everfree, surrounded by trees and countless monsters that knew better than to approach either of them. The parents back at the mall would have shown no such restraint.
"What the—?" Luna looked back and forth in confusion. "What manner of teleportation spell was that?"
"A forbidden one," Discord said simply. Even he needed a breather after all that. "Don't worry, I'm sure that incident at the mall will blow over in no time. And if it doesn't, you'll outlive everypony there."
"That doesn't change the fact that I have failed to bring the joy of Hearth's Warming to the modern ponies," Luna lamented, hanging her head.
"To be fair, that was somewhat my fault."
"Yes, but it's expected from you."
"True." Discord looked around. "Perhaps we should aim smaller. Find a good tree to take home, then throw a party at the castle."
"Is that a modern tradition as well?" Luna asked. "To form a union with lumber? I'll be honest, I have no intention of finding a stallion, but even so..."
"Not that kind of party!" Discord said quickly. "The common tradition is to chop down a pine tree, take it home, decorate it, and have it be the centerpiece of the party."
"Ah. I understand now." Luna said with a nod. "Then we shall create the most decorated tree in all of history!"
Discord snapped his fingers. (He seems to do that a lot, doesn't he?) In a flash of light, a lumberjack's axe and plaid shirt appeared on Luna.
The lady of the night was more than happy to do things the old-fashioned way. She had no idea what constituted a "good" tree, so she just picked one and started thwacking.
Her swings were harder than necessary though. Her shoulders were tense, and her brow set in the frustration she was working out on the arboreal giant.
Discord, of course, picked up on this. "Alright. Tell me what's wrong." He insisted firmly. “You’re attacking that tree like you did marry it.”
Luna sighed, setting the axe down for a moment. "This just means a lot to me is all. Especially if we're going to be taking this to the castle. My sister expects me to adjust to modern society and I struggle this much just to replicate some simple holiday traditions? I can't imagine how disappointed she'd be to learn that."
"Yes, well, I'm not exactly the most well-adjusted myself," Discord admitted, lounging across one of the branches. "The entire fundamental purpose of my being is rejected by modern society. I mean, it was rejected by any society as far as I recall. The very concept of society itself sort of clashes with my belief system. But that's exactly my point."
He leaned so far back that his whole body seemed to melt right off the branch, landing in a puddle near Luna's hooves. "No matter how badly you screw up, the ponies will still accept you. You even have an entirely different holiday dedicated to your screw-ups, and the children love it! Let me know when it's National Chaos Day and I'll come running." He stuck one hand out of the puddle and used it to pull the rest of himself out. "As for your sister, I suspect a part of her still wishes I were a statue. Tell you what: I'll take the blame for anything that goes wrong tonight. I'm pretty sure she'll believe it."
"No!" Luna almost snapped that last part, slamming her hoof into the tree. "If my actions cause trouble, I will atone for them. I can't bear the idea of someone else getting into trouble for something I've done."
He raised his hands to placate her, surprised at her vehemence. "Alright, alright! Sheesh. Still, I reserve the right to erase her memories of anything that goes wrong."
Thankfully, whether or not he was joking would go forever unknown, as that was when the tree announced its fall with a mighty cracking sound.
Luna stepped out of the way as it crashed into the snow. "Alright. That's done. Now, how do we transport it?"
Discord grinned. "In style."
A dark shape streaked through the night sky, casting a shadow in front of the moon.
"It's a bird!" one pony shouted.
"It's a plane!" another exclaimed.
It was Princess Luna pulling a sleigh by the reigns. "Is this really a Hearth's Warming tradition?" she asked, looking up at the bright red glow lighting her horn.
"Not really," Discord admitted, riding in the sleigh with their captured tree. He was dressed in an odd getup of red and white with a fake beard. "But I had to use this imagery at least once." He conjured up a whip that was thankfully just for show, lashing the air above her head. "Ho ho ho! Happy Hearth's Warming! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!"
He eventually just started laughing psychotically for the rest of the trip.
They landed on the balcony of Luna's room, nearly giving the maid cleaning it a heart attack as they stealthily dragged an entire pine tree through the room she'd just cleaned.
They snuck through the castle walls. For some reason, Discord wore a skintight, gray jumpsuit and headband while they did this.
He conjured up a stand for the tree in the castle dining room, and they got it slotted in near the table.
"Perfect!" Luna said excitedly. "Now, I will decorate the tree. You must distract Tia! I wish this to be a surprise, so do not let her near this room until I signal you!"
"I'm good at distractions!" Discord agreed. "But are you good at decorating? Do you know what to use?"
"It will be the most decorated tree in all the land!" Luna assured. "Now go! Celestia will be trying to come here for her hourly cake!"
Discord saluted, ignoring the nearby door and just phasing through the wall.
Several paces down the hall, Princess Celestia was currently pondering the eternal question of chocolate vs. vanilla when Discord suddenly appeared in front of her, wearing a magician's getup. "Well, how do you do, Princess C? Here to watch my latest performance on that which you can't see?"
To her credit, Celestia didn't even flinch. "Hello, Discord. What did you do?"
"Ah, but the real question is what I haven't done!" He waved his fingers in front of her face in a spooky fashion before reattaching them to his hands. "For my first trick, I'll make this story's dignity disappear!" He snapped his fingers.
"ta-dah!" discord said with a flourish.
CELESTIA LOOKED AROUND, SUDDENLY VERY TROUBLED. "I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU DID, BUT I FEEL... JUDGED."
"Yes, I Suppose There Are Some Forms Of Order Even I Shouldn't Tamper With."
HeSnappedThemBack.
Celestia shook her head, chuckling. "Well, I'm glad you've learned something from this."
She walked on, but he reappeared in front of her. Now he wore a black pompadour wig and sparkly silver outfit with bell bottoms, and sunglasses. "How about a musical number?"
Now, Celestia was fully aware that she was being distracted. But she was also extremely bored. So she humored him at least a little. "Did you forget the blue suede shoes?"
"One of Fluttershy's dogs ate them!" He said quickly.
Discord tried to strum the guitar, but his sharp talon hand sliced through all of the strings at once. He looked at the instrument in disgust. "I knew String Theory was phooie!"
"With all due respect, Discord, I'm not sure any of us have the time for a song right now," Celestia said patiently.
He rubbed his chin. "Indeed. We're running out of words as it is. Ah, I know!"
He casually tore open a portal and yanked Twilight Sparkle through it. "Ms. Sparkle here seems to have a friendship problem!" Statistically, it seemed pretty likely.
But all Twilight did was look frantically back and forth and babble in tongues. "!ɘd blυoɔ qiʜƨbnɘiɿʇ tɒʜw ɿɘbnow ot bɘƨυ I"
Discord, dressed as a scientist, started taking notes. "...I think the word 'friendship' was in there somewhere, right?"
Now thoroughly unamused, Celestia's horn glowed as she cured Twilight's Warp Madness, and teleported her home. "Discord, what's going on?" She demaded as she slipped past him into the dining room.
Thankfully, Luna had just been about to signal Discord. The tree was covered in hundreds upon hundreds of war medals, stars from the uniforms of generals, and at least two skulls.
Luna spread her wings proudly. "Behold, my surprise! I have fully decorated the Hearth's Warming tree! It should now be of the proper rank to be the most decorated tree in all Equestria!"
There was a long moment of silence. Discord looked like he was about to burst out laughing but politely poofed away before that happened.
Celestia, not as quick, had to stifle one. "L-Luna, dear. What is all this?"
Luna frowned. "Is this not what I was supposed to do? I have given the tree every honor I could think of! Honors it has not earned, I might add!"
Her rant was cut off as Celestia came over and put a hoof on her shoulder. "I love it. I really do. I just mean, why are you here decorating a tree in the first place? Did Discord put you up to this?"
"No!" Luna said, a little offended. "I asked for his help! He's adapted to modern times much more easily than I have! I wanted to throw a modern Hearth's Warming celebration, to prove to you how well I've adapted!" She sniffled a little bit, starting to tear up.
Celestia frowned. "Is that why I heard a rumor that you're now supposedly going to deliver gifts to children as a thank you for Nightmare Night?"
Luna shook her head. "We tried a 'mall' first. Some children misinterpreted my presence."
Celestia pulled her sister into a hug. "Luna, it's okay if you haven't fully adapted yet. Discord hasn't really had to adapt much. He's about the same as he always was, minus about half the evil."
Luna sighed in frustration. "But how am I ever going to adapt to these modern traditions if I don't learn them now?"
"Luna, I'm much less concerned with whether you have a modern Hearth's Warming, than I am whether you have a good one!" Celestia said softly. "Relax. There's no set pace you need to learn at."
Luna gave a weak smile. "Yes... I understand. Perhaps I may have overreacted. Thank you, Tia." She slowly pulled her sister into a hug.
Discord chose that moment to poof back in. "So are we still having the party?" The two sisters stared at him silently. He physically shrunk at least three sizes. "Um, right. I suppose I'll just head home then. Glad this all worked out."
"Hold on." Luna raised a hoof. "Tia said she wants me to have a good Hearth's Warming. And as far as I can tell, that experience just isn't complete without a party."
Celestia smiled. "See? You have learned a few things."
"Perhaps I'd better collect the Cutie Mark Crusaders and the souls of the Founders," Discord mused. "I'm sure they'd like to come as thanks for the possession, and the whole windigo thing."
Celestia narrowed her eyes at that. "The what now?"
"You two go ahead and set up! Don't start without me!"
He vanished.
One Wild Party Later
"Unnngh..." Applebloom groaned, crawling across the floor. "Too much eggnog." She passed out next to the other Crusaders. Sweetie Belle had a lampshade hanging from her horn while Scootaloo had somehow ended up on the chandelier despite her inability to fly.
Among the many other mortal ponies in attendance, there also appeared to be three ghosts from eons past slumped together in a drunken, spectral pile.
"Well now, that sure was a fantastic party!" Discord said proudly, dusting off his hands. "I sure am glad I got to see all of it."
Luna crawled out from under the tree, wearing all the medals after she'd gotten angry and demoted it. "Shall we commence the gift exchange? I recall Celestia and I prepared a special gift for you, Discord."
"Oooh!" He practically zoomed up into their personal space. "What is it? I must know!"
"Well, during the party, Luna told me about something you'd expressed interest in," Celestia explained. "And as you are very much an important part of Equestria's history, and we'd like the public to better accept you..."
"...We've declared a day one month from today National Chaos Day!" Luna finished with a grin. "A day for all of Equestria, including you, to go wild, provided you clean up after."
Discord lit up, burst with excitement, and reformed soon after. "Are you serious? You know I was just being difficult, right?"
"You are difficult by default," Luna explained, still smiling. "But yes, we are very serious. Unless of course you don't want it..."
"No! No, I am very grateful. I accept your terms." Discord gave a bow. "But one set day seems to go against the spirit of the holiday a bit, don't you think? Perhaps it should be on one random day, chosen by spinning a dartboard and—"
Celestia cleared her throat.
"Right, we can discuss that later. I brought you a gift as well, Princess Luna." He held out a surprisingly ordinary gift box.
Luna took it, opening it slowly to reveal... an equally ordinary red and purple knit scarf. "Oh. It's lovely. Thank you." She wasted no time hanging it around her neck. "I admit, I was expecting something more out there than a scarf."
"It's a scarf today," Discord said with a wink. "Tomorrow it might be a microwave. The day after, a puppy. The day after that, a radioactive puppy made of silk! I give to you, the gift of chaos!"
"...I'll prepare a spare room," Celestia decided.
"Good idea," Luna agreed.
Celestia left to go do that, while Luna turned to Discord with a smile. "Thank you, by the way. You've been a massive help."
"Oh pish posh, Princess! It's what friends do!" Discord said, waving it off.
Her smile got warmer. "I suppose it is! My circle of friends is rather small. I'd be happy to have you on it!"
"Oh I am overjoyed!" Discord said with a laugh. "Perhaps we could spend Chaos Day together, and wreak some friendly havoc?"
Luna's smile grew mildly sinister. "Yes, I've got some ideas for that..."