The Mare in the Wheelchair
I was like any other primary-aged earth pony. I had a great family, however sometimes I was disappointed I didn't have any siblings. Mom always cared, and always told me I was the most important thing in the world. Dad did too, in his own way. I could tell. Dad always cared.
Right now I was in my own room, playing with a can of spray paint. I loved the stuff. It seemed oddly interesting to me, watching the blob of paint explode over a surface. I was good at it too- I could spray anything I wanted. I got my cutie mark over a year ago, when I first followed mom into a store and found the shiny colorful cans, stacked high in glass cabinets.
Spray paints were probably worth the most to me- less than mom and dad, of course. Everything was worth less than mom and dad. Sure, I had friends at school. But I barely ever talked to them- and quite frankly, they were the only ones who were friendly enough to talk to me at all. I knew I was different in some way, but I never could really lay a hoof on it. My teacher also seemed to take extra care of me too, compared to the others. I would fail my grades, and not get an angry face at all from the adults- although my peers would just laugh at me. They often called me 'Blithy Blighty', because once I sprayed over the school wall. It hurt at first, after I learnt what the word 'blight' meant. But then I grew used to it, and thought of it as a pet name, or something. I tried to, anyway.
I was listening to a song, one that for some reason I couldn't put down. 'Smile like you mean it', it sang. It covered over the sizzling sound of the nozzle as I sprayed over my table. After a full year of just spraying, I learnt how not to make a mess and have the paint go everywhere.
'Smile like you mean it!', the song continued. And that's what I did. I grinned at my own work, depicting a happy family, my family; all standing together. I felt two different hooves gently lay on my shoulders, and looked up to find my parents smiling down at me and my work. I grinned back, happy about everything.
"Come on, Blithy." mom said. "We gotta go now."
I knew what she meant. Every week I had to go to this place filled with these sick ponies, and they get healed. I could never remember the name of that place, but I liked it there because the ponies were friendly. They ask me questions, and I try to answer them. I don't think I get any of them right though, but I didn't think it mattered anyway.
I giggled as a stallion in a white coat placed a small metal plate on my chest. He seemed to be listening to something, although his head phones looked pretty weird. I was in this white room, with only one door. The walls were painted white, but I thought they looked boring. They don't have any patterns on them. There were these big sheets of paper, plastered to the wall. They reflected light, and had interesting patterns on them. One of them had these letters at the top, then slowly grew smaller and smaller near the bottom. I've been tested on that before. The problem was, I couldn't tell what half of those letters were. For some reason, I never learnt them in primary.
"It's getting worse." the stallion in the white coat said. "I'm not sure how long she has till she gets physically disabled as well. The disease is advancing pretty fast."
I didn't know what any of the words mean, but I could tell he was referring to me. All I could do was smile, like the song told me to. Mom did smile back, but there was something else in it. It seemed to be worry, but I didn't know why. Dad was talking to the stallion in the white coat, and they both seemed angry.
"How many times do I have to tell you! There is no cure! We're trying, of course, but we'll be late and I can assure you that! You don't have any other option! It's the best you have, anyway." the stallion was saying.
"I would never do something like that!" Dad yelled. "Not even if it would eventually happen! I just won't!" he then looked at me worriedly, as if I would understand the argument. Of course, I didn't.
"Look, I don't want to do this either, but this is best for the both of you. It's just a sacrifice that you best make, because her fees would... If you want to save her, the fees would be too high. You won't make it, even if you sell your house. You can borrow money, but there's no way you'll be able to return all of it." the stallion said. "Look, I'm really sorry I have to tell you this... I really am... But there basically is no other way."
Mom had stopped smiling, and was looking down at the ground, a hoof shielding her face from me. I didn't know why, but the mood inside the room seemed to dim a lot. Dad had water in his eyes, and was hugging mom. I felt a little left out, so I joined them and hugged them both together. Only then was I able to tell that both mom and dad were crying, and they squeezed me tighter. Me being here seemed to make them cry even harder than before, but they were holding back, not letting the tears out. The stallion in the white coat had taken a seat down on this spinning chair thingy, and had a hoof covering his face.
Dad then drove us home. There were no smiles on the way, just grim expressions as we passed by the colorful cars on the streets. I was mesmerized by the vibrant colors, looking out the window and gazing with curiosity. Mom laid a gentle hoof on my shoulder, and I retreated from the window to snuggle up with her. She patted me gently on the arm, hugging me close. I looked up and smiled, hoping for something similar in return. Sure, there was something similar. Mom had forced a smile, although the corners of her mouth were trembling slightly, and there were tears sliding down her cheeks. I didn't know why, so I just tried comforting her by hugging her. It only seemed to make it worse though.
*
It was a month since going to that white place, and mom and dad haven't taken me back there. It wasn't exactly a bad thing, I guessed. I got to spray paint more stuff. I also stopped going to school, for some reason. Mom told me I didn't need to anymore, and that I should stay with her. I didn't have anything to object to, other than I wanted to say goodbye to my teacher.
The next day I woke up in my bed after a bad dream. I couldn't remember any details, but I was pretty sure what happened was the exact opposite of what I painted on my desk. I got up, and swung my legs over the side of my bed. After that dream, I don't think I want to sleep again. Sleep scares me now.
I stood up, but immediately crumbled onto the ground in a painful pile. I groaned, then tried getting back up. But my legs didn't respond.
I panicked, urging desperately for them to move- but they don't even twitch. In fact, I couldn't even feel them. I was crying now, unable to understand the situation.
"Mom! MOM! DAD!" I screamed, crawling on the floor with only my front hooves.
"What is it?" mom asked worriedly, quickly walking into my room, shortly followed by dad.
"My legs! They won't move!" I screamed, although mom and dad's presences did comfort me and make it feel like everything will be better soon.
Dad turned away, looking up at the ceiling while mom rushed to my side and helped me up. Still my legs refused to budge.
Dad quickly drove us to that white room again, mom hugging me tightly and telling me everything will be alright.
"It's starting." the stallion in the white coat took in a deep breath and sighed. "She has about one week left. Severe pain will start in about a day, then it's all going to be slow suffering. You should really give her the option now."
"How could I..." Dad sighed.
"I don't know." the stallion said. "I can no longer help you. I'm sorry, but I tried."
"No, no. I know you did. Thanks anyway, doctor. Mind if we borrow a wheelchair though?"
"Not at all. Least I can do, I suppose." the doctor went outside, then returned with a chair with wheels on its side a few moments later.
I wasn't sure what it was for, but I could be sure that it was for me. I liked presents. This one was a little odd though, but I still thanked mom and dad, who smiled at me.
*
We got home, and I was in my room again, re-spraying my walls. Mom and dad were talking in the living room, although I thought it was a bit too loud. So I put on my earphone thingies, and started playing that song again. The steady beats were comforting, and I relaxed.
A few hours later I noticed that the yelling had ceased, so I took off my earphones. The song still rang in my head though. So I kept mouthing the five words that I actually understood from the song. 'Smile like you mean it', I gently hummed.
Then mom and dad entered, tears in their eyes. They both had forced smiles when they saw me. I put down the can of paint, and went to hug them, because that's the only thing I could think of that might comfort them.
To my surprise, they starting crying into my shoulders. They kneeled down onto the wooden floor, now the same height as me. They hugged my back, squeezing me. I could feel my shirt getting soaked with their tears. I was panicking. Their state was worrying me, and I started crying too.
"I'm so sorry, Blithy. I'm so sorry." Dad hugged both me and mum as tight as he could.
"Listen, honey-" mom held me by the shoulder at arm length. "Whatever happens in the future, just remember we love you, alright? We really do. Promise me that you'll remember?"
I nodded, wiping away a tear.
"In the future..." mom continued. "You might not love us back, but we'll always love you. Alright?"
I nodded again, although I wasn't sure what she meant. I remembered the words though.
"Blithy-" Dad let go, smiling at me. It seemed genuine for it not the tears he was trying to wipe away. "We're going on a picnic. On the roof top of the business block. What do you say?"
I grinned. I loved picnics. I know the business block as the place where dad used to work. It was a tall building that had a beautiful view of the entire city.
So that's where we went, the top of the building. Dad pushed me in my shiny wheelchair, which I was somewhat proud of. The sun shone down on my face as we exited onto the roof. I loved the warmth, and closed my eyes to savor it.
Dad stopped pushing me near the railings that lined the edges of the roof.
Both mom and dad looked like they had been through a cold shower or something. Happy wasn't one of their emotions right now, and I couldn't tell why. After all, this was a picnic. Picnics are meant to be fun, right?
They crouched down in front of me, slightly shorter because I was in my wheelchair. Mom handed me a small box, with all my favorite snack foods inside; and my music player. Dad handed me a can of blue spray paint- my favorite. I grinned and thanked them, taking the stuff.
"Blithy..." mom looked me in the eyes. "If it starts hurting, jump- alright? Just jump over these railings."
I understood what she meant, but wasn't sure what she was referring to.
Mom began crying, and dad whimpering. "Blithy... We both love you. We're really sorry for what we have to do. But we don't have a choice." mom sobbed. "You really were the one girl we always wanted. We're so sorry that we have to leave you here. You're talented, and we would've loved to keep you." mom could no longer go on, tears and constant sobbing interrupting her.
"What? Mom... You're not leaving me here, are you?" I asked.
Mom screamed, and fell into dad's arms, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Dad stood up, helping mom up with him.
"We.... We.... We're... So... S-sorry... Blithy..." mom couldn't look at me.
"Wait- where are you going?" I was beginning to worry.
"Remember- jump if it starts hurting." mom managed to say, before a fresh wave of tears flowed down her face.
"Mom!" I called, but they didn't stop walking. I couldn't understand why, but I was crying from pure fear that they'll leave me.
I tried rolling the wheelchair forward, but tripped and I was slammed into the ground. My ears rung, and my elbows hurt. They seemed to be bleeding. My face hurt too, from where the right side hit the ground. My wheelchair had fallen over, and I was on my stomach, desperately trying to crawl. My arms were failing me though, and I couldn't get a grip on the ground. All I was doing was clawing at the floor.
"MOM! MOM! Please, no!" I screamed, tears rushing down my cheeks. Mom didn't turn back, but she was still crying. I knew there wasn't any hope there, so I turned to dad. After all, dad always cared. "DAD! You still care, right? You still love me?"
My entire body grew cold as dad tilted his head to one side, showing half of his face. He stopped, and I had a thin thread of hope left, telling me I won't be left alone. He had tears in his eyes too, and his look said it all. The look sent spears through my heart, and it actually began aching. And then he turned away, his hoofsteps slow and punching holes through my heart.
All I did was scream at them. Scream what, I didn't know. Just screaming. But they still didn't stop.
I watched them disappear behind the door that leads into the building, and I was left all alone with my own tears.
I gave up, letting the sun drain my strength. I lay there, my face pressed against the floor, tears still coming down and forming small puddles.
"Mom.... Dad..." my hoof slowly drew circles on the ground. They left me here, alone. I had no resentment towards them, instead, all I heard was this little voice in my head. My own voice.
"They don't want you anymore." it said.
All I did was cry more as I thought about it. Sure, why would they want me?
"All you ever did was waste their money." the voice continued. "You just didn't realize till now. You're just a discarded piece of junk, is all."
I didn't fight the voice. The more I thought about it, the more it was true. I didn't move, just stared at the ground. I didn't make an effort to get up, because I know I would fail.
The voice was right. Deep down, I probably knew all along. I haven't done anything to repay mom and dad, so why would they keep me? Perhaps I even deserve all this. I deserve to be left here to...
I whimpered when I thought about what might happen. Slowly, I began to develop an idea.
That nopony ever really cared.
I heard the voices of my classmates again. 'Blithy Blighty', they chanted. Maybe all I ever did was ruin everything. Maybe they were the ones that didn't lie, and everypony that told me they loved me were the liars.
'Remember, we always love you.' I heard mom's voice.
"Lies!" I cried, and hit the ground with a hoof. I couldn't help but have more tears surge out.
So I understood. It wasn't mom or dad, or anypony else that should be blamed for my state.
It was me all along.
Hours pass, and the sun was beginning to go down. I watched the ground turn from the yellowy grey to a bright orange as the sun changed color.
My head hurt, and I already developed a plan. An escape plan, really, is more precise. A plan to escape absolutely everything, to where I didn't know, but surely- away.
To die.
Mom told me that the meaning of life was happiness- but I no longer believed her, not after the three words I always believed in were lies. 'I love you', she had said multiple times, and so did dad. And yet, here she was. Alone.
I rolled over onto my back and gazed up at the sky. It was an orange purple kind of color, streaks of clouds stretching far above me. It was beautiful, but I didn't think of it that way. All I saw were clouds, laughing at me from high above.
'Smile like you mean it', the tune was stuck in my head. But for the first time in my entire life, I couldn't. I couldn't even pull on a fake smile.
I decided there wasn't any point in lying here. After all, even if I did die; who would care?
'Nopony. Nopony at all.' the voice said, and my heart confirmed it.
Tears had run dry for me. There were none left.
Slowly, inch by inch, I crawled for the railings. My hoof bumped against something, and I looked up. It was that blue can of spray paint.
I grabbed it, and held onto it. Maybe the only thing that really did stay with me.
Suddenly pain shot through my chest, and I felt something swell into mouth. I spat it out, and red blood splattered over the floor in front of me and onto my right hoof. I brought it in front of me, my eyes watering once again because of the pain.
I fought it, climbing on. I knew I was going to die alone with nopony to care, but now... Even if I still felt like living, I'm not sure how long I can drag on anyway.
Death was the most tempting option I face now. With death, there will be nothing. No more suffering, physically or mentally. No happiness. But then again, I already forgot what happiness was. Might as well be dead now.
I finally crawled up to the railings, leaving behind me a thin trail of blood, since I dragged myself over the puddle. My white shirt was soaked crimson, and I still had more dripping out of the corner of my mouth.
If I'm alone, I'll need to be strong. I'll rely on myself. I doubt anypony will help me die, anyway.
I grabbed the bottom of the rails. I was too big to fit between them, so I'll have to go over. Breathing hard, I turned over onto my back and propped myself up against the railing.
Every breath stung. All the questions I had regarding myself hurt my brain. What I was once sure about, I could only find doubt there. Mom and dad were always there to comfort me when I'm unsure.
"Damnit..." I muttered. "Don't think of mom... Or dad..."
But I couldn't help it. Immediately I was filled the feeling of loss, my heart plummeting. I wanted desperately to hug something. I know that nopony cared, but I wished somepony would.
"Somepony... Anypony.... Please..." I cried into my own hooves. "Please...." I could hug nothing more than myself, which provided little comfort.
I waited for my breath to regulate. I took a peak over the edge. A single tear fell from my eyes and down below. It sure was a long way down.
Somepony down below suddenly looked up. He must've seen the tear drop and thought it was raining. He shouted, pointy up at me.
Soon there was a small crowd gathered. Some security ponies rushed into the building.
I didn't have a choice, I realized. If I don't make the jump now, I'll never get a second chance to end my pain.
I mustered all my strength, grabbed the railings up top and began hoisting my own body up. Tears fell out of my eyes as I gritted my teeth, using every bit of energy left in my body. My muscles strained, and I could feel them burning out. Finally I was able to lean on the railing standing up. My stomach hurt because the railing was digging under my ribs as I leaned on it.
My eyes widened, and blood gushed out of my mouth once again. This time it fell down over the side, ponies below running out of the way. It made a splatter, and from up here it didn't look all that bad. Maybe I'll be spraying myself this time. Hopefully it's a pretty shape.
I finally was able to hoist myself up, and was leaning on the railing.
'If it starts hurting, jump.' I heard mom's words. This time I understood fully what she meant.
My chest stung. Breathing was a major difficulty. It was complete torture, because I was nowhere near dying, and yet it felt worse. Hopefully jumping off would do the trick.
I grabbed the can of spray paint I still had in my hoof, then threw it down below. I watched it fall, getting smaller and smaller below. Then finally with a big splat it exploded at the bottom, where security had already sealed off the area. Yes, it did make a nice pattern. Hopefully I do too.
I heard a door crash open behind me. "Stop! Come back!" a voice yelled, and I could hear hoof steps running.
I leaned over the edge, letting my body weight tip me over the it.
Time seemed to slow as I began falling. I saw a security officer try to grab me as I flipped upside down, but fail.
I spread my arms out, feeling free. It was pleasant, but I didn't think I deserved it. Drops of blood drifted away from the corner of my mouth and floated above. The windows on the side of the building were a blur as I passed by.
Then there was a loud crack, and my ears were filled with ringing. Suddenly all the pain left my body, and I relaxed. I couldn't feel a thing. Darkness closed around my vision, although I didn't close my eyes.
I'm just glad this is all over.
End
