Elf to the Curb

by daOtterGuy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Principal Celestia, Vice-Principal Luna, Comedy, Equestria Girls
Length: 2099

A Christmas Elf helps spread cheer at Canterlot High. Unfortunately.

Celestia and Luna are cursed blessed with the presence of a Christmas Elf to help them with their holiday celebrations.

This will end in explosions.

Preread by The Sleepless Beholder

Written for rpglover for Jinglemas 2023

Published 2023-12-25 14:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-25 14:50:00 UTC

In Which Problems are Solved Without the Rainbow Death Laser

Christmas had once more come to Canterlot High and twas the season to celebrate. Principal Celestia had been preparing for months ahead of time, getting ready to provide a festive and joyous atmosphere to the students.

The plan had to be executed perfectly. A stress-free holiday extravaganza for the students that was devoid of magical mishaps or monster brawls. They had been bombarded by crisis after crisis for months and the students deserved at least one week before the holidays that didn’t immediately try to eat their faces. Plus, Sunset Shimmer and her friends were on a trip to handle a different threat elsewhere, so Celestia would prefer to not have to deal with any problems that would require the rainbow laser.

“Halo~!”

Clearly that was an impossible task.

“... Hello,” Vice Principal Luna answered. She stood next to Celestia, arms crossed and eyes wary. “It's—” a resigned sigh “—nice to meet you.”

“Good to meet you too, lady of the night~!”

“Right.” Luna turned to her sister with a look that demanded she deal with it. After all, the abomination could speak and it was Celestia’s turn to negotiate for their survival since Luna had handled the last one.

“Certainly an unexpected pleasure to meet your acquaintance, but whom might we be meeting?” Celestia asked.

“I am Yule~!”

“Let me rephrase.” Celestia put her hands together and pointed them directly at the creature. “What are you?”

“Oh ho, silly me~!” The creature chortled. The giggle sounded too similar to the gremlins from two months prior that had destroyed the school’s HVAC system. “I am an elf~!”

The descriptor certainly matched some creature of that sort. Yule was about knee height and standing a few inches taller on the tips of his long pointed feet. His (Hers? Its?) body leaned up toward them with a too wide grin of sharp teeth filling most of its face underneath two bright red eyes that literally sparkled with glee. He wore an outfit that made it look like a gift box with limbs. Its head was wrapped in a contortion of red ribbons tied into a bow on top.

It looked both ridiculous and horrifying.

“Elf as in a herald of destruction, Elf as in a pompous tryhard bounty hunter, or elf as in a weird abomination that likes to eat teeth?” Luna asked.

Taken aback by the examples provided, Yule the Elf placed a hand on its chest and dropped down to the soles of his feet. “What? No! Christmas elf~! What even are those other examples?”

“Scorch marks,” Celestia and Luna replied in unison.

“That’s—” Yule rallied himself, “well, I’m not like them. I’m only here for one thing~!”

Celestia felt her stomach drop out, a familiar feeling of dread beginning to form.

“And what might that be?” Luna asked dryly, her tone already sounding resigned.

“To help spread Christmas cheer~!”

The simultaneous groans that followed belied the full extent of pain and misery that both sisters knew would soon follow them.

Ms. Cheerilee screamed. She held on for dear life as the tinsel snake bucked about like a mechanical bull, screeching as it tried to dislodge her. Mr. Will and Mr. Doodle desperately tried to get her off the monstrosity.

In addition, every minute or so, the tinsel snake would spew its namesake across the halls with a hiss at the students, decking them out in glittery tendrils that refused to untangle from clothing, hair and skin.

“Get it off, get if off, GET IT OFF!” Diamond Tiara shrieked as a frazzled and somewhat less entangled Silver Spoon desperately tried to rip the tinsel off of her wrapped-up friend.

“This isn’t eco-friendly man!” Sandalwood yelled. Well, Celestia presumed it was Sandalwood since she couldn’t quite tell for certain with how much tinsel was wrapped around his head. “This will fill landfills for years to come!”

“Mm, mm, mm!” An unknown student shouted. Said student had become plastered to the wall by the latest stream of tinsel bile and been thoroughly cocooned within.

Celestia watched all of this detached from reality, her consciousness far, far away in another place and time where the worst she would have had to deal with as a high school principal was protests about the cafeteria menu and not whatever this tinsel monster was.

“... Why?” Celestia asked, her tone hollow.

“Every christmas celebration needs tinsel~!” Yule replied, his voice almost drunk with cheer. “And what better way to decorate than with a snakesel~!”

“And where exactly did this snakesel come from?”

“Christmas~!”

“Christmas, the place, or Christmas, the spirit of the holiday?”

“Yes~!”

Celestia sighed, rubbing her temples with a hand to hopefully mitigate the inevitable migraine later. She shouted down the hall, “Did you find what you need, Luna?”

In lieu of an answer, a loud revving sound cut through the chaos of the room as Luna walked determinedly past her sister, decked out in safety gear and with a massive apple red chainsaw roaring in her hands.

“Today, the revving will last FOREVER!” Luna screamed. She cackled madly, shaking the dangerous tool above her head.

The students and teachers all screamed in terror as she lunged forward, slicing through the tinsel with wild abandon, spraying the hall with tinsel confetti. This both helped and worsened the situation since it would take weeks to get rid of all the colourful abominations plastered to the corridor.

“Once you kill the snakesel, please prioritize the cocooned students, sister,” Celestia said.

Yule cackled gleefully.

Spread out before Celestia on one of the cafeteria tables was a buffet of holiday-themed sugary confections. She felt queasy looking at the overload of sugar before her and her sister had a similar feeling based on the revulsion on her face.

The rest of the faculty was seated nearby (Ms. Cheerilee, Mr. Will, and Mr. Doodle notably bandaged up from their scuffle with the snakesel) all in various states of apprehension and nausea. Yule stood on the table in the center, presenting the treats with aplomb.

“How safe is this to eat?” Luna asked.

“Very~!” Yule replied. “I would never make something that would harm you~! I just want you to taste a few morsels before I give them to the students~!”

The staff all turned as one toward Ms. Cheerilee who glared at the elf with fury and hatred in her eyes. She held the edge of the table in a vice grip that Celestia felt would begin to bend any moment now. They returned their gaze to the hazardous sweets.

“This is too many carbs for my EXTREME—” Mr. Will slammed the table with his fists, veins popping out on his neck “—diet.”

“Too much fondant for my tastes,” Mrs. Smith remarked.

“It looks stupid,” Mr. Doodle added.

“It’s delicious~!” Yule said. “The perfect amount of sweet for good cheer~!”

Celestia looked past Yule toward the student who had taken a cupcake earlier against the warnings of the staff. Said cupcake was half eaten on the table nearby. The student, Soarin, who was known to have an infamous sweet tooth was full body heaving into a trash can while intermittently screaming about how much it burns.

“... I don’t think we should eat this,” Celestia said.

“Oh, come on. Where’s your christmas spirit~?” Yule whined.

“Probably thinking about how our medical benefits won’t cover sugar overload,” Luna muttered under her breath.

“Okay, okay, we’re being too hard on the poor guy,” Mr. Hooves said, waving his hands in a placating motion. “I’m sure they’re as delicious as our remarkable little friend says.”

“Yes, yes~!” Yule cried out, a wide beaming smile on his face. “Exactly, this one has the spirit~!”

Mr. Hooves smiled. “Why thank you, Yule. Now, let’s see…” Mr. Hooves surveyed the spread and grabbed a single sugar cookie decorated to look like a christmas tree. Specifically, the kind of Christmas tree that could only be found on the front lawn of a holiday obsessed millionaire. “I’ll have a nibble of this one.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

After dropping Mr. Hooves off in the nurse’s office with an industrial-grade bucket that he upchucked and cried into in equal measure, Celestia and Luna walked toward the gymnasium, apprehensive of Yule’s newest “present” and greatly missing their personal rainbow laser.

“Please let this just be a normal thing,” Celestia muttered. “Just one harmless, festive thing that doesn’t require being burned to ash.”

“Fat chance,” Luna muttered back.

“We’re here~!” Yule announced, slamming open the doors to the gymnasium.

Utter bedlam greeted them.

A massive monstrous Christmas tree roared as it grabbed nearby students with its horrific elongated branches and hung them amongst its branches as ornaments.

Flash Sentry whacked at the grasping branches with his guitar as he fought to protect him and his friends from its encroachment. Trixie shot fireworks (that Celestia was now glad she hadn’t managed to confiscate. Again) at the beast, setting it ablaze as she taunted it. Wallflower Blush had armed her and other students with gardening tools from her club and was setting about trimming the tree of its needles with a variety of shears, shovels, and hoes.

Despite the awful situation, Celestia was rather proud of her students' ability to adapt and protect themselves. A thought somewhat soured that it was probably because they had plenty of practice.

“Don’t you love it~?” Yule asked, raising his arms up, gesturing toward the scene as if it was something to be proud of.

“THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO BE A STAR!!!” Sweetie cried from atop the tree as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo attempted to climb it using staplers as hand holds and screaming murder at the monstrous conifer.

“... Grab the emergency flamethrower, Luna,” Celestia said.

Luna walked behind the gym bleachers, smashed open a hidden glass box, and pulled out a flamethrower. She covered her face with a mask that had been included with the weapon and gave a test squeeze of the trigger, spewing a small stream of fire.

“THE BURN WILL LAST FOREVER!” Luna cried as she laughed maniacally.

As the students cheered on Luna’s second serving of rampant violence that day (only two under her prior record), Celestia regarded the beaming Yule with a plastered smile.

“Could you come with me for a moment, Yule?” Celestia asked. “I have a surprise for you.”

“Is it a CHRISTMAS surprise~?!” Yule asked.

“Yes.”

“Will it make everyone happy~?!”

“Very.”

“Oh goodie~! Then what are we standing around here for~?!”

He raced out the gymnasium, Celestia following behind him with violence on her mind.

Celestia stood by her sister on the roof, feeling a strange feeling of contentment come over her. She hadn’t felt this good in weeks, and had nearly forgotten what it felt to be satisfied.

“You know, Luna. I was too serious about all this,” Celestia said.

“Oh? How so?” Luna asked.

“I wanted to give the students a perfect celebration so they could relax, but, seeing them overcome these Christmas horrors, I think there was no need. Our students are resilient and able to handle anything. It was pointless to get so hung up on this holiday.”

“Well said, sister.”

“Yes, next year, I’m just giving everyone the week off. It’s the only way to be sure.”

“Even better said, sister.”

“I am thankful to have learned this important lesson. Shall we now deal with the elf?”

They regarded Yule. He was gagged with leftover tinsel from his stupid snakesel and tied to an amount of fireworks that would probably be considered illegal. However, they were confiscated, so what the school did with them was fine. Probably.

At a minimum, making a mythical creature unreal again for the sake of student safety would definitely be considered a good use of pyrotechnics.

“Would you like to do the honours, Lulu?” Celestia asked, lighting a match and handing it over to Luna.

“You spoil me, Celly,” Luna grabbed the offered match and lit the fuse at their feet.

Both sisters smiled warmly. Yule struggled and screamed around his gag as the flame raced toward the fireworks. There was a pause as the fire ignited the pyrotechnics then they shot off into the sky with the horrid elf, exploding into holiday themed lights.

“Merry Christmas, Lulu,” Celestia said.

“You too, Celly,” Luna answered.

They leaned against each other in companionable silence as students and faculty cried out in excitable glee at the tapestry of lights that painted the sky.