Author's Note

This is a part of the Jest Days of Christmas, where I update something every single day of December. Go check out the link for the full list and check back everyday for a new update!

Fat Fred's

“For the one true princess of Equestria!” Shouted some nutjob cultist adorned with the usual dark robes and a comically nasty-looking knife.

As usual, the simpleton tried to ram the thing into my belly, which was covered in scales meant to keep out lava. Those same scales had evolved for the purpose of defending me from the claws of another dragon. Claws that were capable of slicing through solid stone like it was mud and that could also cut the strongest of gems.

As usual, the knife broke, and for a moment the unicorn looked down at me in confusion, as if he expected his silly attack to work. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I gave him an apologetic shrug before breathing deeply, filling my lungs with super heated oxygen. A quick exhale directly into his face melted his eyes, burnt all the hair from his nose to his shoulders, and quickly rendered him unconscious.

The shock would likely kill him if I didn't boil his brain in the process, or at least that's what I thought before his clothes lit up. The first thing to hit me was the smell, which was awful let me tell you, but I had grown used to it due to experience. Thus I quickly ignored the scent of burnt meat and moved on to the next cultist standing in my way. He had at least a little more sense to him, as he lit his horn, and began to cast a spell of some kind.

I never found out what the spell was though, as I had quickly scrambled over the corpse of his buddy before launching myself at him, claws raised. Claws that, may I remind you, were meant to carve out stone sliced through flesh with such ease that I barely felt the swipe. Unfortunately for me, I had only managed to remove a chunk of his cheek and a good quarter of his face.

Thankfully the guy quickly began to freak out and scream rather than keep trying to attack me. This left me with more than enough time to sprint up to him and sever his windpipe. His incoherent yelling quickly morphed into equally as incoherent babbling as blood flowed through the open hole in his throat.

“Get the little bastard already! The six-pointed star must be extinguished!” Shouted another voice.

I looked up to see a small cadre of black-cloaked cultists burst into the room and start running towards me. Most of the soon-to-be corpses were wielding weapons while the others were busy casting spells. I took one last glance behind me towards an unconscious Twilight, and after noting that the fire had gone out, turned back to the cultists.

The things I do for you. I thought to myself.

This wasn't how I began my life in Equestria mind you, that was ten years ago when I went from having my guts cut out of me by a thug with a knife to a dragon smaller than my dog. I would tell you about what happened once I got here, why I hate Celestia and why I was forcefully soul bonded to Twilight but those are stories for another time. Right now I was busy tearing the throat out of some mare that had tried to bash me over the head with a mace roughly the size of me.

Pony blood tastes like a mixture of copper, and cotton candy if you’re curious. It's a weird combo, but also kind of good. I didn't exactly think about that for very long, however, mostly due to how morbid it was, though now it was due to having larger concerns.

An earth pony was attempting to stab me in the face, but like most of her kind, could barely hold a knife. Hooves just weren't made for holding such weapons, so a simple smack to her wrist was enough to knock the dagger away. Stunned, and confused, the pony didn't know what to do, giving me ample time to leap onto her face and bite her ear off.

This was about the point where she started screaming and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My toe claws were wedged into her neck and cheek, allowing my to scratch away at her face and head with impunity. I had managed to tear the good majority of her face off when she ran into a wall and knocked me off.

Though she was unconscious, and likely bleeding out, her allies were still alive. They were also ready to keep fighting, even if they were growing a bit green under the gills. I was at that point, completely covered in pony blood, viscera, and my teeth were stained a dark crimson color.

“What you doing? Ignore the hellion, kill the girl!” shouted a voice.

I looked to the back of the cultists to where a tall, hooded unicorn stood, their features hidden beneath their dark cowl. Only their pointed black horn could be seen poking out from the shadow that obscured their face. They, like me, were intimidating enough so that the other cultists charged at me with their motley assortment of weapons raised high above their heads.

Before they reached me, I had a chance to look around the dark room I found myself in. Up until that point I had been so singularity focused on protecting Twilight that I hadn't even noticed. It was then that I found we were standing in a rather large kitchen, which made sense given our location.

Which up until about five minutes ago, had been the front part of a popular party location for children. They had slimy pizza, horrific animatronics, rigged games, and the most pathetic ball pit seen outside of dashcon. Though not in the least bit appealing to me, Twilight had been enjoying herself, the filly playing and chatting with the one girl who would speak to her.

I didn't focus on that however, rather I was inspecting the long, narrow kitchen space I was currently standing in. Like most fast food places, it was a single long line, which on one side sported friers and other cooking devices like the much important microwave. On the other were plates, shelves, ingredients, and other semi-important workstations like the pizza area.

This was good, as it meant I didn't have to worry about anyone sneaking around me and getting to Twilight. With this in mind, I charged at the next pony, leaping onto the stainless steel table and then at his face. Screaming wordlessly, I flew through the air, my claws extended, I watched as all the color drained from the stallion’s face.

His knife bounced off my scaley side to no effect, and a moment later I slammed into him, a hand gripping the back of his skull. The moment I had a handle, I jammed my other arm into his eye socket all the way to my elbow. Pony eyeballs are enormous and have numerous pain receptors, enough that an attack like the one I delivered was enough to knock someone out.

Which was exactly what happened, the stallion screaming briefly before landing in a heap of blood and robes. The male behind him was a little faster, and using his magic, he tossed me to the side in a blind panic. I’m fairly certain he wasn't aiming to toss me into the still bubbling frier, but that was where I landed with a dull splash.

I’m sure he was feeling mighty confident about his panic-driven attack, that was until I emerged a moment later. Now angry, but unharmed, as dragons had evolved to bath in lava, I emerged and leaped from the counter. The unicorn stallion that had tossed me a moment earlier managed only a confused scream before an oil-covered dragon whelp landed on his back.

Raking claws that smelled faintly of french fries dug into his back, scooping out chunks of skin and muscle tissue. My tiny baby arms didn't have the strength to get any deeper but I didn't need to outright kill the guy to make him stop. Having something covered with hot oil was enough to make him think twice, and losing a good pound of meat sent him into a panic.

Like most ponies, once panicked, he began sprinting in a random direction. This was, unfortunately, in Twilight's direction, and not wanting the filly to get trampled, I reacted as I usually did, with violence. A slash across the male’s back right knee sent him careening in that direction, his head bouncing off the shiny countertop.

I barely managed to fall off his back before he landed in a pile of grime-encrusted pots.

With my feet under me once more, I was able to hop up just in time to see someone leveling a crossbow at Twilight. All I was able to do was curse before being forced into motion once more. This time I didn't jump at my nearest foe but rather between them and my tiny purple charge.

There was a twang followed by a bloom of pain in my chest as the bolt bounced off my scales. I hit the dirty, blood-covered floor a second later and hopped right back up. I didn't have the time to complain about my newest bruise, as the crossbowman was rapidly reloading.

He didn't get the chance, however, as I threw a hunk of his allies’ face at him, causing the stallion to flinch. As they were backpedaling, and wiping the viscera from their face, I was running at him full tilt. While his remaining allies tried to get around the panic-stricken shooter, I slammed into his front foreleg like a miniature wrecking ball.

Bone snapped, and the leg twisted backward, a scream ripping its way from the stallion’s lips. I knew from experience that such a break was usually enough to send a pony into shock, so I kept on rushing. Like a linebacker nearing the tenth-yard line, I kept my shoulder down until I slammed into my next target.

She was a little bigger and had enough sense to use a pilfered pot as a shield to stop me in place. The cheap mass-produced metal wasn't enough to stop my claws though, and I tore through it, and the hoof holding it a second later. Distraught from the pain, the mare surprised me by not panicking like the others, instead, she brought up a heavy-looking cleaver.

The weapon slammed into my shoulder with enough force to give me another hefty bruise, but it could not break through my scales. This was apparently a surprise to the mare, who just looked at me, then to her cleaver, wondering what had just happened. I used this half-second of bafflement to springboard off the still thrashing pony and onto her neck.

My claws dug into her shoulder and head while my sharp teeth found her soft, exposed throat. Blood gushed into my mouth, making me want to gag and spit out the offending liquid. I resisted, however, and instead, I continued to chomp away at her squishy neck meats while she thrashed.

Her hooves pounded into my back, and legs, to little effect. Sure it hurt, and sure she tried to pry me off, but I was stuck like a fat, hungry leach. It didn't take long for her movements to begin to slow, and soon she fell to the ground.

When this happened, I released my hold on her and readied myself to attack the next one in line. He, however, wasn't interested in fighting a no doubt demonic-looking dragon whelp covered in the guts of his former allies. My dark purple body was stained crimson, and my golden, pointy head fin was likely unrecognizable at this point.

In fact, my appearance was so unnerving to this pony that they were pushing past their yelling leader.

“What are you doing, initiate? Kill that foal and all our dreams shall become a reality!” he shrieked.

“Screw you man! I ain't dying for this!” yelled the other stallion.

The unicorn leader grunted irritably. “You may have won this time, Thorn, but next time you will not be so lucky.”

The pony’s form flickered for a moment before vanishing completely, like a hologram losing its power. With him gone, I could see that the coward had managed to reach the door leading to the rest of the restaurant. His hoof grabbed the handle a second before it slammed into his face, knocking him to the ground with a surprised yelp.

In the doorway stood a royal guard, complete with gaudy golden armor, and trademark superiority complex.

“Halt right there criminal scum, you have violated the law, come silently or I’ll…” his nose crinkled in disgust. “Stars and sun. What the hell happened back here?”

“Oh thank the true princess, the cops! Please arrest me, throw me in prison, just whatever you do. Don't leave me in here with that thing!” screeched the cultist with the broken nose.

At this point, I ignored the ensuing drama and clambered onto the countertop. There I swiftly located a sink half full of soapy, room-temperature water. Which I hopped into and began to bathe myself, using a bit of steel wool like a loofa.

I got the majority of my head done by the time a familiar royal guard approached me, his weapon lowered. He was a tall, beast of an earth pony with deep red fur, a wheat-colored mane, and bright blue eyes. Wearing the usual armor of a royal guard, he would have been an intimidating sight to most, but not to me.

“Hey Steal Shield,” I remarked. “Funny seeing you here. I didn't take you for a giddy game type of guy.”

“I’m not,” he deadpanned. “I do, however, seem to have a habit of running into you whenever you make a mess or commit a war crime.”

I snorted. “We are not at war, thus it is not a war crime.”

“Semantics,” he replied, glancing down at the many bodies. “So what happened this time? Lose at skeeball one too many times?”

“Nightmare Moon cultists tried to kidnap Twilight, but when I caught them they tried to kill her,” I explained, pausing to fill my mouth with water from the tap before spitting it out. “I took offense to this.”

“Extremely so. It's a good thing I’m so desensitized to this. If any of the rookies saw the mess you made-”

He was interrupted by a girly scream coming from the only entrance. There, standing in the doorway was a young male guard who was soon emptying his guts on the tiled floor.

“Sterling Spear! What did I say about keeping the newbies out?” bellowed Steal Shield.

The royal guard I saw earlier appeared in the doorway, standing behind the still-vomiting stallion.

“Oh uh sorry lieutenant, I was just uh…” he trailed off.

“Just get him out of here and close the door. You two can hold each other’s manes outside!” bellowed Steel Shield.

“Y-y-yes, sir!”

The other two stallions disappeared, leaving me alone with Steel Shield. Not like I took note of this, as I was busy cleaning a fur out from under my toenails.

“Celestia, dammit,” murmured the other male. “That fucker better not quit on me.”

“Oh, I see you’ve picked up another bad habit from me. Better not let the old bitch hear you talking like that,” I remarked while clambering out of the water.

Steel Shield ground his teeth together angrily. “I know you two have a history but please stop insulting the princess. It's still a finable offense and I really don't want to have to deal with bringing you in again.”

“I’ll make you a deal,” I began, pausing as I hopped back down onto the floor. “Get Twilight out of here before she wakes up and I’ll stop insulting Celestia while around you.”

The stallion snorted. “Fair enough. She shouldn't have to see this anyway.”

“My thoughts exactly,” I agreed.

The royal guard leaned down, and gently pulled the still unconscious filly onto his back. As he trotted towards the door, I followed alongside him, watching as my charge began to stir. Thankfully her eyes only opened once we had passed by all the corpses.

“W-where are we?” she muttered blearily.

“We're still at Fat Fred’s,” I replied softly. “Do you remember what happened?”

“A man told me he could teach me how to teleport, but only if I promised to stay quiet and…” she sniffed. “It was a trap, wasn't it? I got you in trouble again didn't I?”

“Hey now, it's alright. You're fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine here. Right officer?” I hastily replied.

“Yup. Everyone’s definitely in one piece,” he answered.

“See? It's okay,” I continued, hiding my irritation at Steel’s choice of words.

The filly sniffed. “Do you mean it, Thorn?”

“I do. It's okay Twilight. You just wanted to make Celestia and your parents proud of you,” I stated in a low tone. “But next time you have to ask me first, okay?”

“I will,” she whispered.

“Good, now just relax my little star. We’ll be home again soon,” I murmured, a clawed hand moving a stray hair from her face.

Twilight smiled. “Thanks, Thorn.”

I smiled back. “You’re welcome Twilight.”