Til Death Do Us... Oh. Never Mind.

by RunicTreetops

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Death, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Romance
Length: 1341

Nightmare Moon has a short temper. The only creature she'd like to spare from her rage is her husband, but he's a bit... squishy. Thankfully, she has a solution.

Nightmare Moon rules Equestria with an iron hoof. Her reign is glorious, and her methods are cruel. On top of that, her short fuse is known across the land as the most dangerous weapon Equestria has ever seen.

This rage tends to be a problem when it is unleashed around her husband, Anon. The poor human is very squishy, and although it's unintentional, he often bears the brunt of her fury. This can sometimes be... fatal.

Thankfully, Nightmare Moon has mastered a spell to make this less of a problem. Nothing will come between her and her husband. Not even death.

...Something that Anon has grown uncomfortably used to.

Published 2023-12-26 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-26 06:50:01 UTC

Til Death Do Us... Oh. Never Mind.

It really wasn’t much of a fight. Nightmare Moon returned from her banishment on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration. With greater magical power than she had ever wielded before and knowledge of spells unknown to Equestria, she swiftly defeated Princess Celestia and took the throne for herself.

Now, the land is bathed in eternal night. Ponies continue to live under her rule, knowing that to cross her is to cross Equestria itself. It is a time of unrest. It is a time of unease. It is a time of darkness and hopelessness.

…Well, unless you’re Anon. He’s just a silly little guy.

Anon doesn’t quite understand how he ended up in Equestria. One day he was chilling in his apartment, relaxing in a fresh pair of undies and waiting on his pizza bagels to finish cooking when he suddenly found himself face-first in the mud deep inside the Everfree Forest. He really didn’t question his sudden displacement, nor was he particularly afraid or upset.

This is because Anon is not very bright.

What he should have done was question why the sun never seemed to rise. What he should have done was act at least mildly surprised when he was apprehended by colorful, talking ponies in dark armor. What he should have done was argue when the big scary alicorn tyrant ordered that he be sent to the dungeon, or at least made any sort of effort to stand up for himself.

And yet, that complete disregard for his own well-being was what attracted Nightmare Moon’s attention. His complete lack of fear while in her presence was what attracted her curiosity.

No one really knows what it was that attracted her… attraction.

Thus, we arrive in the present. Anon has been married to Nightmare Moon for months, and neither could be happier. She continues to rule Equestria however she sees fit, and he gets a goth baddy for a girlfriend. Everyone wins!

Well, except for literally every other creature living in Equestria. But hey, who cares about them, right?

Unfortunately, there is one teensy tiny little issue with Anon and Nightmare Moon’s relationship, and this issue is caused by her temper.

“ARGH! DAMN IT ALL!”

Such as right now, it seems.

“Come on Moonie, it’s not that bad.”

“What do you mean ‘it’s not that bad?!’ The griffons just blew up all of Manehattan!”

“Dear, you hate Manehattan.”

“I know that, but that doesn’t make it any less of a strategic location! Not to mention all of the exports we’re going to be missing out on! Think about the GDP!”

“Not to mention all of the innocent lives that were lost.”

“Who cares about their lives?!”

“Well–”

“ARGH! I have just about had it with those griffons!”

Anon gently approaches his pacing wife, doing his best to carefully stroke the exposed part of the back of her neck.

“Just take deep breaths, Moonie. We’ll work through this.”

Closing her eyes, Nightmare Moon takes a long, deep inhale. She holds it for a second before slowly exhaling and opening her eyes once more.

“Better?”

“...Yes. I think I–”

“Lady Moon?” The couple’s attention is grabbed by the sudden appearance of Rarity, one of Nightmare Moon’s top servants, who peers sheepishly through a slightly ajar door. “We’ve just received another report. The griffons are moving further inland.”

“...”

Anon’s eyes widen as he slowly turns to his silent wife. His blood runs cold, and he gently attempts to creep away from the perfectly still alicorn. Rarity dips back through the door, leaving the pair alone once again.

“...Moonie? Are you ok-AAAAY?!”

Suddenly, Nightmare Moon’s horn erupts in an explosion of magic. Anon holds his hands out in front of him for the brief moment that he has before he is vaporized in the burst of magical death produced by his wife.

After a couple of seconds, the light fades. Nightmare Moon, who let out a shriek of rage during her show of force, breathes heavily as she attempts to regain her composure. It takes her a few moments before she is able to sigh and function properly once more.

“Ohhhh, I needed that. Why don’t we discuss how we’re going to tear those griffons limb from limb after dinner?”

She turns to look at Anon, only to find a steaming pile of ash where he once stood. Her eyes widen as she suddenly realizes what just happened.

“...Nonny?”

She kneels down next to the sad remains of her once-living husband. For a moment, her breathing stops as she processes the information before her.

Anon is dead, and she killed him.

…

…

…

“...Well, no matter.” She brings herself back to her hooves and closes her eyes. Yet again, her horn begins to glow as she casts a spell. This time, however, the magic seems much more concentrated. Focused. Deliberate. “Let’s take care of this.”

Slowly, the ash on the ground begins to rise into the air. It starts to pulse with the same magical energy emanating from Nightmare Moon’s horn as it spreads into the vague form of a human body. A bead of sweat forms on her brow and slowly runs down the side of her face as she concentrates on her spell.

Suddenly, there is another flash of light. A quiet “thud” rings out through the room. She opens her eyes to check her work. Sure enough, the spell succeeded.

There, standing in front of her, is Anon. Somehow, he lives once more.

He also looks completely unbothered by the fact that he was dead mere moments ago.

“...Nonny?”

“Forty-five seconds. That’s a new record, Moonie.”

“Nonny!” Nightmare Moon envelops Anon in a hug, wrapping him in her large, black wings as she rests her helmeted head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Every time that happens, I fear that I will fail to bring you back.”

“Eh. It wouldn’t be a functional marriage if I didn’t die a few times for the sake of your temper.”

“How many times is that now, anyway?”

“Let me check.” Anon removes his shirt, revealing a toned chest that is covered in stitch marks. And by covered, I mean absolutely plastered. There is next to no surface area that isn’t scarred or showing signs of severe damage that has since healed. “Oh hey, a new pattern near my belly button. Fun.” He runs a couple fingers down his back like he’s feeling for something. “Um… ninety-six deaths, I think.”

Nightmare Moon sighs.

“I promise I’m trying to do better, Nonny. I will feel nothing but shame if we reach one-hundred.”

“Hehe. I believe in you.” With a grin wholly unlike someone who was just obliterated by his wife’s lack of self-control, Anon leans into his wife’s embrace and presses his lips against hers. She eagerly returns the favor, their passion causing them to melt into each other. Neither are sure of how long they remain like that, but eventually, Anon pulls away. “Now, how about dinner?”

“I’d like that.”

Thus, the strange couple departs from the quiet room, neither paying much attention to the miracle that just occurred therein. Is their relationship healthy? No, not even remotely. Are they happy? By some definition of the word, yes... even if that happiness comes at Anon’s expense.

Oh well. Who wouldn’t die ninety-six times for a bit of Nightmare Moon loving, right?

“Uh, Moonie?”

“Hm?”

“I think the cooks burned your pizza bagels.”

A flash of light comes from Nightmare Moon’s horn. His eyes half-lidded, Anon looks down. He isn’t surprised to see that both of his arms have been ripped off of his body, and with the rate at which he is losing blood, he estimates that he has about two seconds left to live.

"Well, shit."

…Anyway, who wouldn’t die ninety-seven times for a bit of Nightmare Moon loving, right?

Author's Note

"I could fix her?" Nah, she could make me worse.

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!