The Fire is so Delightful

Chapters

Cold, Always Believe in your Sole
Ice, Ice, Baby
She's a Lecturer
Tree, that's the Magic Lumber
Life is a Misty Plea
How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This

Cold, Always Believe in your Sole

They say misery loves company, but I'm not sure why. I think I'd actually rather enjoy being miserable by myself.

I would, at least, if it meant I didn't have to spend another moment in the presence of this noxious menagerie, on the coldest day of the year, in the coldest part of the world. Welcome to the far, far north - so far that it has no name on pony maps, and is usually depicted as an undefined snowy blob. The creatures here simply called it The Storm Kingdom, at least during the times when the fluff-brained oaf had settled on that particular monicker.

Right now, said oaf was standing across the office next to the snack tables, engaged in tedious chatter with a few simpering underlings. I had an eye and an ear on him - with somecreature as capricious as him, it was always pertinent to maintain a ready awareness, lest he throw an ill-conceived curveball my way - but otherwise, I was far more preoccupied with keeping warm.

The office furniture had been hastily stowed at the side of the room, stationery tidied away in drawers, to clear the floor space for the Winter Solstice party, an annual festivity intended to distract these forsaken creatures from the bleakness of their existence. All of the Storm King's senior staff were here, myself included, along with a few others who had been dragged into this.

The head office of the Storm King's business operation was not really suited for a party, but it had been the boss's decision, and only the stupidest creatures dared to challenge it. I knew the reason for the decision, of course. The miserly baboon simply didn't want to spend any more money than he had to. Otherwise, we could have been supping on fine wine at the Ice Palace down the road. It was still just as cold there, but least the decor was classy.

The Storm King is a financial genius, you see, but only in his own head. If he actually knew what he was doing, he might have realized that he can have anything he wants for free in his own kingdom. I mean, he directly owns the Ice Palace. But of course, he doesn't understand money, or power.

Luckily for him, I understand both. He is hilariously unaware that, were it not for my brilliance, he would have been in complete financial ruin two years ago. If anyone in this company was proactive enough to delve into the records - and sneaky enough to prevent me from catching them at it - they would see who actually runs the Storm King's empire.

It's me, by the way. Just want to make that clear. Opaline Arcana, Alicorn of Fire, Queen of the Flame, the True Ruler of Rulers. And, presently Head Staff Manager of The Storm King's empire.

I began to laugh evilly, but moving my neck allowed a chill to find its way to my chest, and I instead pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Not for the first time, I found myself wishing that I'd kept my wings instead of my horn. I'd put up with being a garden-variety pegasus if it meant I could enjoy their immunity to the cold. Heurgh.

Theoretically I could muster my alicorn fire to heat up, but I'd found that when I did that, the slaves kept standing near me to leach off my body heat. And if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's making slaves happy. I'm not perverse.

Speaking of slaves, my eyes found a shivering donkey bearing a silver tray, upon which was a mug of some steaming beverage. I didn't know what it was, but the alluring heat overrode any misgivings I could have. "You," I snapped. "Give me that." His trembling hooves were a little too slow, so I grabbed it with my magic, and helpfully hurled him back into the kitchen.

I didn't recognize the frothy brown drink, but the malty aroma was so inviting that I'd tipped the mug to my lips and downed it without even thinking about it. A wave of hot, salty-sweet flavor washed over my tongue, practically leaching the saliva out of my mouth, the heat steaming deep into my belly and scorching my innards. For a moment, I almost felt like myself again. Oh, by the Bells of Skyros, where had this ambrosia been all my life? My cup was empty before I even had the chance to breathe again, but I held my eyes closed. If this was heaven, I wanted to stay.

"Hey, horsie."

Then again, being cast out of heavens is something of a pattern with me.

"Don't think I've seen you around before."

Yes, because I usually arrange things so that I don't have to meet you. I kept my eyes closed, but I didn't need them, as the horrendous smell alone was enough to know which wretched abomination this was. Glabrus, no last name. Piscean male, age 34 moons. His department was Security, but really he was just a thug. I waited for him to leave.

"Are you ponies always purple, or do you come in other colors too?"

I opened my eyes and glared at him. "The full rainbow."

The sight that met me was barely much more pleasant than the smell. Pisceans are cold-blooded and immune to the freezing temperatures, which is probably why they're able to so easily find work up here. Something to do with natural antifreezing agents in the blood. Thus, not only could they wander the icy wastes without discomfort, they didn't even have to wrap up warmly like the rest of us.

All this meant that the fish-man had no shame in presenting his fattened, slimy belly to all. A shiver turned into a stomach spasm and I nearly brought my hot drink back up again. At least he was wearing pants.

The fish-thing was too brainless to feel anything like shame, and thus deigned to continue tormenting me. "Sooooooo... are you purple all over?" he asked, his eyes roaming over my padded jacket.

I tilted an ear to the ceiling, pondering how damaging it might be to my plans to turn this fool into a smoking stain on the carpet. "Is there a point to these questions?" I snapped.

He spread his finned arms defensively. "Hey, I'm just trying to get to know everyone, you know? Sheesh, you ponies sure do have quick tempers, don't you?"

Ah, so he already tried it on with Tempest. That explains the huge bruise on his chest.

"I figured, since you're so far away from home... you might like to, you know, have a friend up here. Someone you can cozy up to, know what I'm saying?"

I didn't follow his logic, but I gathered he was flirting with me. "I'll tell you what you can do," I told him. "That brown drink. Go fetch me some."

"Sure thing, horsie!" he said, waddling off to the kitchen. I strode as quickly as I could over to the snack tables and tried to integrate myself into the gaggle surrounding the Storm King.

The horned ape was doing his friendly boss thing, gesticulating and pontificating while everyone around him pretended to be interested and to laugh at his jokes.

With one notable exception. The mare standing at his side, almost statuesque. The other purple pony in the room, and the only pony this far north besides myself. The Storm King's most faithful lieutenant, Tempest Shadow.

Not her real name, I would add, although if I was called Twizzlefist Berryplop I'd be changing mine too. She noted my approach and shot me a glare, which is how she welcomes people.

"Ah, Olive!" the Storm King rattled as he noticed my arrival, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Finally decided to come over, did you? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me."

"Not at all, sir," I replied promptly. "Just taking the opportunity to mingle, see if there are any problems I need to sort out."

"Oh, I've got problems," he said, suddenly lurching forward and jabbing me in the chest with an angry, bulging forefinger. I found myself having to back away to get some space, my hindlegs stumbling awkwardly as he forced me into a defensive crouch. "Why haven't there been any new infantry hires for the last three months?"

The underlings stared at my plight with morbid curiosity and relief that attention wasn't on them. Tempest gazed at me dispassionately, so no change there. "We already have more infantry than we need, sir," I told him. "In fact I was preparing to disband units seven through ten and transfer them to -"

"You'll do no such thing!" the Storm King said, grabbing me by the jacket collar and lifting my entire weight off the floor. My hooves scrabbled at the air as I reflexively tried to flap my absent wings. "I want another ten infantry units trained and ready for active duty in three weeks."

"Sir, we can't afford -" I began, but I bit my tongue as he glowered at me, moving his face unpleasantly close to me.

"Olive, dear, don't make me regret hiring you. You're good at what you do. I'd hate to have to replace you," he hissed. I tried to avoid breathing in any of his breath. He let go, dropping me on my hindquarters.

I quelled my alicorn fire as he walked away, my inner flames threatening to erupt and take the entire building with it. An armor-clad hoof extended to me as I sat there brooding.

"You handled that well," said Tempest.

I slapped the hoof away with an impotent clang. "Shut up." Of course Tempest was loving this. That cracked-horned prune hated me. Thought I was untrustworthy. The nerve of that traitor to distrust me!

I stood up and shook my mane back into place. "Ten more units? Why does he need so much infantry?"

"Don't ask," said Tempest. "Just do."

I glared at her. "Unlike you, my job does actually require some degree of brainpower. If I know what he's planning, I can organize more effectively."

"That's your problem," Tempest shrugged infuriatingly, walking away.

"It's Equestria, isn't it?"

The armored mare froze. There it is. Sneakiness is not Tempest's best quality. She turned back to me, knowing that there was no point in denying it. "You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"Not if you don't," I told her. "Believe me, I have just as little love for our homeland as you do."

"Well, there's the problem," Tempest said with a glare. "I don't believe you. You may be able to bluff him, Olive, but not me. I know you're up to something."

"I'd love to know what it is," I replied sullenly.

"Just remember. I've got my eye on you," she said, fixing me with a stare from the ugly side of her face. "Trot carefully. If I get even a hint of trouble from you... well, it's not going to be pretty, let's put it that way."

She walked away again, leaving me to watch her clomp back to her master. I breathed out the air I'd been holding in, which curled into glittering vapor.

What a fool of a mare. She had absolutely no idea she was being played by that brute. He had her dangling on the promise of a new horn that I knew she'd never get to see. What grated at me the most was that the Storm King had no idea how lucky he was, to find a minion so perfect as her. A pony who, on the one hoof, was the greatest military commander this side of the planet. And on the other, stupid enough to have lost the only thing that made her special. What a beautiful, precious fool.

I could have been kind. I could have revealed to her the cruel agony of her situation, that she'd sold her soul for a brazen lie. But, I needed her where she was right now. Also, I don't do kindness.

Equestria. It was finally happening. I'd been carefully nudging the Storm King toward it for the past year - finding opportunities closer and closer to the border, diverting resources toward the south, even deliberately collapsing a few unfavorable business deals. Rumors had spread about the abundant-yet-strangely-undefended horse princessdom that was ripe with potential, and finally they must have reached the head moron himself. He was preparing for an invasion in the new year.

All I had to do was sit back and wait for Equestria to fall, then cut off the head of the Storm King's empire - by which I mean the Storm King's actual head - and take it all for myself! The enslaved Equestria would quickly recognize me as their savior and true ruler, and I would become the most powerful pony in history, beloved and feared by all.

It was, I had to admit, not the most glamorous scheme, but the idea of destroying Equestria with capitalism felt so insidiously evil that I couldn't help but be excited by it.

There wasn't much time. I had no doubts about Tempest's ability to get the job done, but it wouldn't hurt to give her an edge, particularly as she'd be going up against three alicorns. Fortunately for her, I know more about alicorns than anypony in the realm.

I decided that nobody would miss me if I left the party early, and so I quietly slipped out the back, eager to get back home so I could start planning. And also finally stop freezing my tail off.

"Hey horsie, where you going?"

I gritted my teeth as I heard the sound of webbed flippers slapping on the slush behind me. "Home."

"Don't you want your malted milk?"

Ah, so that's what it was called. I guess the fool was good for something after all. I turned to find him holding a mug of the steaming beverage in his grubby claws.

"See, I'm not such a bad guy, am I?" he said. "Glabrus always gives you what you want." He set the mug down on top of a dumpster. "Now how about you start treating Glabrus with the respect he deserves, huh?"

Oh dear, oh dear. Over the line.. I huffed out a breath, and began to remove my clothes.

"Oh, wow, you really are purple all over," he astutely observed. "You know, for a horse, you're actually really hot."

My eyes lit up with a violet fire as the snow puddled into water around my legs. "Why, yes," I said with a satisfied grin, as my coat burst into intense pink flames, and the air started to fill with the scent of fried mackerel. "Yes, I am."

Ice, Ice, Baby

I had tried to prepare for every eventuality in bringing my plan to fruition, but there was one parameter I had wildly underestimated. The sheer pettiness of that accursed Sun Princess. She couldn't just wreck my plans the straightforward way, oh no! Instead, to my intense frustration, I found that she had fostered an alicorn to thwart me.

She must have been working on this for years! Her vassal was named Twilight Sparkle, a tedious wiseacre who fancied herself a princess, yet had no grasp on the true meaning of her title and status. Celestia had built her up, trained her, granted her land, subjects, all the material resource she could ever want, and drilled an uncrackable loyalty into her big stupid head.

In one fell swoop, she killed the Storm King and unravelled his empire, leaving me with nothing to show for my years of work. She even somehow turned that idiot Tempest to her side, although what she promised her I have no idea. What a disappointing waste.

And that was only the beginning of my anguish - the dull ache before the pain truly hits. I could only watch in impotent fury as this pasty bromide took the throne of Equestria for her own, using her own agents to consolidate her rule.

You might ask, why I didn't simply challenge her directly with my own considerable might, and kill her? Well, it's because I'm not stupid. Twilight Sparkle wasn't just dangerous - she was the most dangerous there could be. Her alicorn affinity was friendship, which meant she was empowered by relationships of all kinds - and, being the tedious bibliolater she was, she had known exactly how to turn that to her advantage. She'd spent years constructing reciprocatory social networks, working behind the scenes to turn Equestria into her own personal power grid.

As magnificent as I am, I could see a direct assault on her ending in failure, and I don't pick fights unless I have the advantage.

The other option was to attack the source of her power - the fabric of society itself. But even that would require a Rockhoofian effort to pull off. I knew because I wasn't the first one to come up with the idea. My old friend Chrysalis had tried it before, and had been paying the price for it for the last century in the center of Canterlot Plaza. Dear Chryssi was many things, but a careful planner was not one of them.

Fortunately, I am. And I learn from my mistakes. I'd decided that my previous economic approach just was never really viable. Even if it had succeeded, it just didn't feel right. Didn't have the oomph. Too modern, too slow, and just completely lacking in style. No, I needed something more classic. Something bold, something direct. A single, quick thrust to the heart that would leave Equestria reeling, and give me all the power I needed to face Twilight head-on. That lavender lilyliver wouldn't even see it coming, because I was going to do the last thing she'd ever expect.

I was going to make a friend.

His name was Brannvin, a strong-winged and fierce-willed pegasus colt. I took him in after his entire family tragically burned to death when their airship ran into a fire tornado, an extremely rare weather phenomenon that has never been seen before or since.

The youngster took the news quite hard, but I could see a thread of steely resolve in him, and I helped him to strengthen that, taught him how to go through the pain and come out the other side stronger, better than ever. I taught him the things that really matter. Power. Obedience. Love. Fear. Brushing your mane every morning so that you don't look like an inebriated porcupine. The important things.

And in the meantime, I brought my new plan closer to fruition. What I needed was to beat Twilight Sparkle at her own game. I needed my own battery of power to draw from, something to level the playing field between us. And it so happened, there was one spinning away at this very moment.

The Crystal Heart. An ancient artifact which fed from the hearts and spirits of the Crystal Ponies. It was usually used for the frankly demeaning purpose of weather control in the Empire, but it had so much more potential than that. With my alicorn power, I could turn it to my own ends, a Heart of Fire! It would be fuelled not by love, but by fear, despair, misery, all things I could elicit and command with skill. With each victory, my power would grow, and Twilight's would diminish, and I would have a chance to finally strike her down.

The Heart was protected, but not particularly well. The Crystal Empire was ruled by an alicorn named Cadance, another of Celestia's little cronies. I knew that she was sworn to protect the Heart at all costs, but Cadance's elemental affinity was love, making her far less powerful than Twilight Sparkle and, in theory, no real threat to me.

However, the presence of the Crystal Heart itself was a complication. I was well aware that she could use it to empower herself, and with that, she might try to stalemate me and hold out long enough for help.

Unfortunately for her, I'd taken precautions for that eventuality.

I'd only visited the Crystal Empire a hoofful of times in the past - it was more Sombra's domain, and frankly I couldn't withstand that insufferable fool's company for any longer than I had to. I tell you, I'd been quite relieved when I learned that the entire land had vanished into the mists of time.

But now it was back, and the umbral twit had managed to get himself killed - twice - and so I felt warmer toward the crystal city than I ever had before.

Brannvin, less so. He was wearing a simple gray cloak, beneath which was the flightsuit I had created for him - a work of art if I say so myself. He'd been rightly taken aback by my generosity when I presented it to him, and had barely taken it off ever since. He said it was to break it in, but I knew he just loved wearing the thing. The suit was sleek, extremely durable, and shone with a pearlescent glow when the light hit it just right. The enchanted fabric could repel all manner of attacks, and took the edge off those that it couldn't. And most importantly, the flanks displayed my own cutie mark, proclaiming my majesty to all who beheld my minion.

Nonetheless, I could see how nervous he was pretending not to be. This was his first real test, and I knew he was afraid of disappointing me. Good. That fear would be a good motivator for him.

We reached the terminus without incident, despite Brannvin's insistence on asking me foolish queries about our mission that would have blown our cover wide open if anypony cared to listen. Somehow, my sneakiness training had failed to impress upon him the importance of keeping his mouth shut. The time to monologue was when you actually had your enemy in front of you.

Brannvin was captivated by the shimmering crystal from which everything was built, taking the opportunity to clap his hooves on the ground and hear its distinctive ring. I quickly added my own ringing to the symphony by angrily clipping him around the ears.

"Do you think I brought you here to enjoy the scenery, foolish child?" I scolded him. He ducked his head with the appropriate amount of shame.

"No, Opa- I mean, Olive," he quickly caught himself. "I'm just excited! I've never seen anything like this before! Is that snow?"

I declined to tell him that once we'd stolen the Crystal Heart, we'd be dealing with more snow than we could handle. "Focus yourself," I snapped, continuing to the station exit. "We're not here to have fun!"

"But isn't it more convincing if I do?" he argued back. An earsplitting alarm wail rang out all around us, as I stopped in my tracks and turned to level a bone-melting glare at the insolent foal. To my irritation, he stood his ground with little more than a tremble of the knees. "I mean... it's normal for foals to play, and enjoy themselves..."

"Normal is what I say it is!" I snarled, ignoring the heavy footsteps of armed crystal guards behind me. "You can't just start freestyling, dear child! We have to stick to the plan!"

An gruff, echoing voice rang out from behind me. "Madam, please dispel the disguise and lie down on the ground."

I wheeled and faced the crystal guards with a glare. "I most certainly shall not! Also, I'm not disguised." I said, with pure conviction. I felt perfectly justified in saying so. I'd been trained in illusion magic by the Queen of the Changelings herself, so there was no way any simple guard stop could penetrate my glamor. These guards were mistaken, and I would show them so.

"Madam, this is your final warning."

Oh, to Tartarus with it. I might as well start the fight on my own terms. I dispelled the disguise as requested, the crystalline walls erupting into blinding whiteness as they reflected my true, fiery alicorn glory. For a moment, I savored the horror on the guard's faces as they realized just what their stupidity had unleashed.

Then I blew up the train station.

I enclosed Brannvin in a shield bubble first. I'm not stupid. Chunks of crystal rained from a suddenly-open sky, as I strode through the flaming rubble into the city beyond, watching ponies scream and scramble in abject terror. Ah, this was more like it! I really should have just led with this.

"Isn't this delightful?" I said to Brannvin, who was wide-eyed in awe at this display of my power. "Oh, what fun! Come, my acolyte! Even more power is ours for the taking! To the Heart!"

The foal stammered as he stumbled over the crumbled ground. "Opaline, I... are you sure this is -"

"Safe? Oh, don't you worry, dear child. The fun hasn't even started yet," I grinned, extending a hoof and helping him get his footing. I tore the cloak from him and unveiled his majestic livery, freeing his wings. "Stay behind me, and witness what true power really is -"

His eyes went wide. "Opaline, look out!"

I turned in time to see a grizzled crystal guard lunging for me with all the speed he could muster, a shining speartip plunging for my chest. With a lightning-fast swing of my foreleg, I batted the shaft away at the last second, the impact snapping the spear in two. The guard, deprived of his weapon, instead chose to grapple with me, grabbing my other forehoof while I was off-balance.

I looked at him with curious interest as he stared back into my eyes, realizing his mistake. Despite their fragile appearance, crystal ponies are actually remarkably tough and resilient. Their crystalline bodies can shrug off impacts that would end the lives of their fleshier counterparts, and it takes a great deal of force to actually damage them. This is probably why Sombra was so interested in enslaving them.

I gripped the limb that was holding mine, and increased the pressure. They are rather stupid, though.

White lines began to zigzag through the inside of the guard's foreleg. It must have felt extraordinary, as the guard seemed unable to put voice to the sensation, his mouth quivering in confused shock. In a single instant, the limb shattered at the point of my grip, his broken-off leg clunking to the ground like a gigantic paperweight. His howl rang out across the city. Ah, there, he found his voice.

I trotted undisturbed into the city proper, finding a long shining boulevard running all the way to the central palace. "Good work, Brannvin," I complimented him. "Take to the sky. Keep watch."

"Opaline, I... I, um... did you have to..."

I tutted tetchily. "Did I have to what?"

"To... hurt him? Like that?"

I sighed. Why was this so difficult for him? "It's about setting an example, child. Ponies have to know what will happen if they oppose me. You have to understand how to wield fear."

I was secretly disappointed that we met no further resistance on our path, as I could have done with a warm-up before the main event. But the Crystal Guard had already learned to fear my power, and were keeping a safe distance as they evacuated ponies from homes ahead of us.

I heard the Heart before I saw it, a shimmering thrum that gently resonated all crystal structures nearby. So much power in one tiny gem! I could taste it!

"Opaline!" Brannvin called out above me in warning. I looked up to see a pink alicorn plunge from the tower and land with an aggressive thud between me and my prize. Everything was going exactly as I -

"Wait a minute," I said, frowning as I scrutinized the newcomer. "You're not Cadance."

"Oh, you don't keep up with the news, do you? My mother retired a hundred moons ago," replied the alicorn. She was, indeed, the image of her mother, if a bit stockier and less graceful. She didn't really look particularly regal to me, but the wings and horn were all the proof I needed.

"I see," I said, and gave a casual shrug. "Oh, well. I'm not particularly fussy about who I kill."

I reared up and burst my wings into flame, before swinging them forth to shower the alicorn a volley of exploding firebolts. The area became suffused with rocketing bangs as she dodged most of them, and blocked the ones she couldn't with a magic shield.

Not bad at all, I appraised. She's actually - argh! My eyes widened as a beam of nuclear sunlight hammered toward me, so fast I couldn't get a shield up - I reflexively threw myself to the ground, giving an undignified yelp as the beam clipped my shoulder and sent me rolling several meters away.

I gasped in shock and fury, throwing my mane out of my eyes and returning to my feet, just in time to catch another beam with my shield. It smashed at me, pushing me back with sheer photonic force.

That hurt! What unholy magic was this? I'd been anticipating the tickle of a love beam, not whatever atomic horror this was! She blasted at me unrelentingly, taking to the air to try to find any weakness in my shield. My body shuddered as her energies crashed against my defences, and I could do nothing but crouch like a harried turtle and wait for an opening.

"As ruler of the Crystal Empire, I'm authorized to accept your surrender, Opaline," she called down to me. "I don't really want to fight you, but if you insist on prolonging this, you're giving me no choice. Please, save us both the effort."

"I don't recognize your claim to the throne!" I spat. To be honest, I didn't actually care one way or the other, but I needed time to figure this out. A new alicorn had not been part of my plans. "Who even are you?"

"Princess Flurry Heart," she announced proudly. "Honestly, you should keep up with history. You wouldn't make such a fool of yourself then."

My eyes widened and lit up with a furious infernal light. "Insolent whelp!" I whipped my head and slashed at her with a knife-like beam of solid energy from my horn. The princess gave a yelp of pain as she misread the attack and dodged badly, losing a chunk of her tailhairs. Didn't see that one coming, did you? My slantways beam is a bit gangster, I admit, but it gets the job done where direct attacks fail.

I tried to bisect her with a follow-up, but to my immense irritation, she landed and called forth some kind of lithomantic magic from the Heart, hardening herself into pure crystal. I growled in aggravation as my beams slid off her solid features, doing practically no damage.

I hadn't wanted to use my more powerful fire magic in case I damaged the Heart, but she had really forced my hoof by this point. Also, Brannvin was still around somewhere, and I really didn't want to have to replace him. Nonetheless, I sucked all my flame into a ball at the tip of my horn, and launched a meteoric strike at the crystal princess, imbuing it with enough force to shatter her into a million shards. A shame, really. Annoying as she was, I liked her attitude.

She flicked her horn and emanated an ice-blue wave that turned my meteor into a harmless snowball. It rolled and landed against her crystal-booted hooves with a comical splat.

I stared, utterly dumbfounded. That shouldn't have happened. What in Equestria was I dealing with here?

"This is your last warning, Opaline. Surrender now. I won't ask again."

"I will not surrender to some fourth-rate empress wannabe! What are you supposed to be, the Alicorn of Hugs and Kisses?"

"Oh, I don't have an elemental affinity, if that's what you're asking," she said leisurely.

"What?"

She actually smirked. "Didn't you know? I'm natural-born. The first - and only - natural-born alicorn. So really, if anypony has a birthright, it's actually me."

I was so taken aback by her revelation that I stopped defending myself for a moment, and that was to my great cost.

SCHICK

My entire nervous system jolted with an ice-cold shock as a razor-sharp shard of crystal erupted out of the ground faster than I could blink. In a fragment of a second, it parted two of my ribs and impaled me through the chest, only my shoulderblade preventing it from making it out the other side.

In that moment, the world around me seemed to quieten and dim. I barely heard my own hoofsteps as I staggered backward, the stalagmite snapping off and dragging on the ground. My breathing became hoarse as I suddenly found myself struggling to take in air.

I closed my eyes and forced my alicorn fire through the wound, burning out the injury and pushing the shard out with sheer combustive thrust. Oh, Tartarus, I'd never felt pain like that before! The wound closed raggedly as the bloodied tip of the shard clattered on the ground, little puddles of my blood flaming all around it. If my heart had been two sizes larger, that would have ended me.

"You... you little monster!"

"Eh, I've been called worse," she replied lazily.

I screamed and forced all my fire into a single hoof, then slammed it down with such power that the flat crystal ground shattered all around, causing the crystal fiend to stumble and take to the air.

Unfortunately, I realized a few moments later that I'd made another mistake. All I'd accomplished with that move was to deliver even more weapons to her, as she immediately started levitating and hurling the broken shards at me. I put up a shield bubble, as thick as I could make it, and could only stand there, cursing the pain in my chest, as she pelted me with an endless cannonade of shards, rocks, and blasts, driving me further and further back until I was pinned against a crystal column.

I couldn't lose. Not like this. Not in direct battle. Being betrayed was one thing, but being bested... I couldn't take it. Not by this fairy-feathered charlatan!

Suddenly, I felt a peculiar surge of power in the air, and everything shimmered for a moment. The flying shards all halted, as I saw Flurry Heart's body rapidly convert back to flesh and blood. As she stood there in dumb surprise, I didn't hesitate. I dropped my shield, seized the nearest and most wickedly sharp shard of crystal I could see, and rocketed forward with it.

She saw it coming just as it was too late, and I got a satisfying view of her horrified eyes as the shard emerged out of her back between her wings. She gasped, choked, and collapsed to the ground, along with all of her levitated shards a moment later.

"Fool!" I yelled down at her in triumph. "Did you really think I didn't have a plan for you, princess?" I mean, technically I'd planned for Cadance, but it worked just as well in the end, and she didn't need to know that. "While you were distracted, I had my minion secure the Heart for me. Isn't friendship magical?"

The princess seemed to be in too much pain to respond, so I continued to taunt her. "Oh, I'm going to enjoy killing you," I said in delight. "And when I'm done, I'll reduce every one of your precious Crystal Ponies to a pile of gravel!".

I shaped a gleaming ax from my magic and prepared to end the fallen princess. I usually like to savor the deaths of those who irritate me, but Flurry Heart was far, far too dangerous to toy with. "Goodbye, foal."

"Wait!" Brannvin yelled. I halted my swing and turned to see my flightsuited minion approaching, clutching the stilled Heart in his forehooves.

"Then again, I think my dear servant would like to get a better view."

"Don't kill her!"

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. "Brannvin, darling, you did a wonderful job. Don't spoil things now."

"Please!" he begged. "We can... enslave her, or something!"

"That would be amusing, but... still no," I said firmly, raising the ax again. "This is a time for killing."

"I won't give you the Heart!"

I sighed. I tried, I really did. I should have known all along that I'd be betrayed eventually. "Brannvin. Dearest. It's too late for the goody-goody stuff. If you don't bring me the Heart, I'll kill you and take it anyway. If you do bring it to me, I might forgive you. This is a very easy choice."

Apparently not easy enough. He shook his head and hovered backward with the Heart. Was he testing me? Trying to see if I'd do it? Perhaps he thought I couldn't hit him without also hitting the Heart? Wrong on both counts. I channeled my disappointment into a beam of retribution, and shot him.

And hit an alicorn instead. Flurry Heart, being a typically heroic idiot, jumped in front of the beam to take the hit, her weak shield managing to take the edge off it, but it still left her with a new smoking wound in her shoulder. She moved quite well for somepony with a crystal through her.

"Go!" she croaked at him. Suddenly, I realized the unspoken plan between the two, and I couldn't allow it. I prepared to obliterate him out of the air, but Flurry lunged at me and crashed into me with all her weight, groaning in pain. She grabbed me wherever she could get a grip, no elegance, no attempt to fight - just trying to stop me. I gave a furious growl and exerted my alicorn strength to try to tear her off of me, but it seemed Flurry knew a thing or two about wrestling. Somehow, that didn't surprise me.

I screamed in frustration and erupted in a conflagration of white-hot flame, ejecting her by force, and hissing as she took a chunk of my mane with her. Oh, she would pay for that, but right now, I had to go set my wayward minion straight. I took off after him...

... and then stopped dead in the air, as a swirling chill enveloped me and flash-froze into a ball of solid ice, with me in the center. I fell to the ground with a rather undignified clunk.

Oh, right. Ice powers. This was becoming really quite tiresome, and rather insulting too. To think that ice was even a remote impediment to the Queen of the Flame. I willed my fire once more, to turn myself into an icy grenade of death.

A wave of shimmering glitter washed through me, and as I unleashed my power, I realized something had gone dreadfully wrong. The cold ice around me had, in that moment, become diamond-hard and unyielding, and my explosion of flame failed to escape, instead lighting up my spherical prison like a festive bauble. I rolled, caught in an ungainly mid-flap, eventually coming to a halt upside-down.

I'd been too late. The Heart had been restored, and now I could only watch from a prison of pink crystal as my traitorous minion returned. The Heart had transformed him, turned his sleek flightsuit into a foppish golden chaquetilla, and even replaced my emblem with its own image, just to be extra vindictive.

As I stared at him, suspended like a trapped insect, I knew one thing was certain. I'd never have a minion again. I couldn't trust anypony but myself.

She's a Lecturer

It's difficult to describe the Realm of Skyros to a mortal, but imagine a thousand alicorns all trying to build the same city at the same time, all with wildly different construction philosophies, and every time two structures overlap, one of them just turns off into a new spatial dimension. Yes, it gets confusing. Luckily there's an Alicorn of Cartography, so we do actually have fairly readable street maps.

My own portion of the city is a modest abode - a little mini-lair for me to plot in comfort while I figure out how to take the real prize, Equestria. Well, my native Equestria, I mean. There are other Equestrias. It's a multiverse thing. I told you it gets confusing. While it had plenty of homely comforts, I couldn't resist giving it my flair: archways with just the right overlighting to make dramatic entrances, acoustics balanced perfectly for two ponies to have extended exchanges with each other, and of course plenty of dark fire to be silhouetted in front of.

Not that I actually had many visitors to appreciate it. The only pony who regularly saw it was the Alicorn of Marshmallows from next door, who kept running out of sugar for some reason. You'd think he of all ponies would make sure to keep a ready supply. Heurgh. I should roast him.

I was in my study, refining my latest plan. After much retrospection, I'd realized that my Crystal Heart plan had a fatal flaw in it from the beginning - the Heart was a single point of failure. Such a rookie villain mistake, and I should have been aware of it. No, I needed something much more intricate and convoluted. Layers upon layers of schemes, backup schemes, contingencies, all supporting and feeding into each other in a labyrinthine network with me at the center of it all.

And I had figured out a brilliant new way to take down that pesky princess once and for all. It was so simple even a child could have thought of it. And one already had.

Ah, Cozy Glow, the Demon Child. I couldn't help but admire her. Such unbridled ambition at such a young age. She'd seen what nopony else could - that if you can't overcome your opponent's magic, just take away the magic. And she'd nearly done it, too! She might even have bested me, if I hadn't been in Skyros at the time. That's how brilliant she was. I made a note to go and smash her statue later, just in case she escaped her imprisonment. Can't have somepony like that running around.

Of course, there had been a few flaws in Cozy's plan, although none that she really had the ability to account for. As a pegasus, she'd had no way to actually wield the magic she stole from Equestria, and had settled for dumping it in a nearby dimension. Effective, but wasteful. Also, she'd had to create a magic siphon using only the few artifacts she could get her hooves on, so it had been terribly inefficient. I'm amazed she got it to work at all.

But those problems were both trifles to an alicorn of my wisdom. I absolutely could wield that power. And I knew more about artificing than any unicorn alive today. I could create a siphon more effective, more unstoppable, than anything this world had ever seen, and ensure that 100% of that magic went to me. The plan spread across the wall before me was perfect. Twilight Sparkle would have no chance of stopping it.

At the ring of my door chime, I sighed wistfully, and trotted back through to the lobby of my lair. I could almost taste the victory. The image of Twilight Sparkle's face as I broke all of her dreams, and then broke her. It was going to take a lot of work, but that was what kept me going.

I pulled open my arched front door to reveal the tall, twinkling form of Princess Twilight. "Hi," she barked.

I slammed the door in her stupid face, took a second to compose myself, then blasted the door through its frame with a rocketing swell of magic. Chunks of my front wall splintered outward as the door sailed unhindered through the artificial Skyrosian night, and I watched it land on the cobblestone street with an underwhelming thud, a dozen feet away.

"Opaline," said a soft, dumb voice from behind me.

Teleport interdiction. Why in the Six Circles of Tartarus did I not set up teleport interdiction? It would have been so easy. One simple enchantment, and the princess's head would have arrived at the destination without her body. I'd have loved to see the look on her face then.

Two incandescent lines of magic converged at the tip of my horn to give it a magical knife edge, and with a single balletic flick of my forehoof, I spun around and beheaded a lampstand.

"Opaline, please," said the unworthy monarch, who had leaned slightly to the side to avoid her decapitation. "Calm down. I only want to -"

"I'll interdict your head off!" I shrieked at her.

Sadly, although I am the Alicorn of Fire, I am not the Alicorn of Sick Burns. She lives a couple streets over. Ooooh, a couple of words from Profania can cut deeper than any hornblade, let me tell you. Point is, this was not me at my best. I'd been caught off-guard, and my mouth wasn't able to catch up with the overflowing eloquence of my remarkable mind.

Distracting her with a thrown table, I darted into one of my hyperspatial corridors to retrieve something I'd been working on as a side project, the Orb of Destruction. A ball of pure infernal energy that would render the unworthy to a steaming puddle of ash. I snatched it off its pedestal, returned to the lobby, and flung it in the princess's stupid face. Her expression of surprise was the last thing visible as the miniature star erupted into a blaze so bright that the air itself was destroyed, torn to atoms. My ears blistered with the crackle of ionic energy as the radiation consumed everything. Even the fireproofing of my interiors couldn't hold, and furniture and picture frames rapidly crackled, blackened, and melted as the ball of plasma flayed the princess alive with weaponized light.

"Opaline, please stop attacking me," said Princess Twilight, sealing the Orb in a magenta bubble until it fizzled out. "I'm not here to fight. I came here to talk to you."

"You'll never succeed," I hissed, as smoking black sludge puddled off my walls. "My plans are encrypted by a secret decoder ring that only I can access. You think I wasn't prepared for you, princess? Oh, ho ho, you're all the same. You think everypony is as brainless as you are. Well -"

"Opaline!" yelled the princess, in a powerful, sonorous tone I'd only ever heard from Celestia. "I don't care about your plans! I came here to talk to you." With a gentle thrum of her horn, she extinguished the many small fires, banished the smoke, and levitated the pieces of my front wall back into a semi-organized state.

"What do you want?" I seethed at her over the hiss of my sizzling walls.

"Firstly. Happy Hearth's Warming."

"It's not Hearth's Warming."

"Ah, so that explains why you weren't expecting me. I told you, in my last letter to you, that I would be arriving on Hearth's Warming Eve. You did receive it, I trust?"

I frowned. I had indeed received a letter from Princess Twilight a few weeks ago telling me that she would be visiting on Hearth's Warming, but that didn't explain why she was here now. I'm sure it was still summer.

Twilight continued. "Look, it's fine. I know what it's like. Celestia always used to lose track of the decades too."

"But not you," I said with a glare.

"Of course not," Twilight affirmed with an infuriating smile. "I'm organized. Admittedly, I probably should have foreseen this. May we sit down?"

I still wasn't sure what her angle was, but decided to humor her for now. I declined to offer her a chair, largely because all my furniture had just been reduced to atoms, but she conjured up a couple of comfortable dining chairs and a table, offering me a seat. I sat opposite her, glaring as she magicked up a teapot and poured me a cup.

"You look just like her," I observed.

Twilight gave me a confused stare for a moment, but quickly figured it out. "Celestia? Yes, a lot of ponies have said the same," she said with a warm smirk, as she poured herself some tea. "I have tried to distinguish myself from her, but Celestia's shadow is a very difficult one to escape."

"Probably because of all the cake," I ventured. Princess Twilight choked on her tea.

"Indeed," she said, wiping her cheek with a napkin. "I loved Celestia, and she inspired me greatly, but she wasn't perfect. She never truly recovered from losing Luna to the darkness, even after getting her back."

"Because she was weak."

Twilight smiled sadly. "You could call it a weakness. Even so, she always played to her strengths. Celestia was very much aware of her limitations, you know. She always knew she couldn't keep Equestria safe forever. Her strategy was to trade progress for safety. She kept Equestria safe and secure for a thousand years. Not prospering, not progressing - just safe and secure. She felt stagnation was worth the price of security."

"And this is the pony you admire, is it?" I snorted.

"I do. Power is... it's a difficult thing, Opaline. Not just anypony can wield it. I know you agree with me about that."

I glared at her attempt to ensnare me into a concession. "Yes, of course I do." Power belongs to the one most worthy of wielding it. I didn't ask for that pony to be me.

"We have to do what's best for our subjects, not what's best for us," Twilight continued to drone. "We have to be ready to give everything, absolutely everything, for them. What happens to me, or you, that's for fate to decide."

Out of polite habit, I sipped some of the conjured tea, but immediately regretted it. I'd forgotten how awful this stuff was. Bitter, tasteless, masochistic plant ticklings. Give me malt any day of the century.

"Nihilistic nonsense," I sniffed. "Only foals believe in fairytale ideas like fate and destiny. I design my own fate, princess, I do not wait for the universe to deliver me rainbows."

"And you can!" she quickly backtracked. "I'm just trying to impress on you the responsibility that you have, Opaline. You've never shown me that you're ready to take it on."

My eyes flared an angry purple. "I've never shown you - are you judging me, princess? Is that why you invited yourself to my home? Do you really think I'm interested in what you think about me?"

Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry. Bad choice of words. Let me cut to the chase, then: I'm worried about Equestria, and about you. I know your ambitions, Opaline, and that you're planning to move against me. You wouldn't be the first."

No, but I'll certainly be the last. "Really," I said nonchalantly. "If you're so sure, why don't you do something about it? I'm right here. You're the one with the power, princess, you could end me right now."

"That's not how I operate. You know that," Twilight said solemnly. "There was a time when I might have blasted you with a rainbow laser and picked up the pieces afterward. But I'm not young any more, and things aren't that simple any more. I'd much rather try to help you. I've seen a lot of ponies follow your path, Opaline. Far too many. And take it from me, the longer they stayed on it, the worse it was for them at the end."

"Heurgh. Is that the best you have, princess? Idle scaremongering? If you have some concrete advice, I will take it. Otherwise, I'm not interested in spooky premonitions."

"I like to think my wisdom counts for something," Twilight replied calmly. "I'm not the Alicorn of Friendship for no reason, Opaline. I've helped many ponies off the dark path. I want to help you too."

Was that fear in her voice? It was very well-hidden - a skill she'd learned from her mentor, of course - but I was sure I could detect an undercurrent of trepidation there.

"And what do you propose?" I asked.

"Join me for Hearth's Warming celebrations at Canterlot Palace," she offered. "That's it. I place no expectations upon you, other than basic civility. You don't have to participate in anything, you don't even have to enjoy it. I just don't want you to spend Hearth's Warming by yourself."

Honestly, I think I'd rather be hit with the rainbow laser. "A party, really? Aren't we both a little old for such things?"

Twilight smiled. "I've known four Bearers of Laughter in my lifetime, and they would all be scandalized to hear you say that. There's nothing wrong with a little festivity, no matter how old you are."

I rolled my eyes. "I can think of a hundred more productive things to do with my time. Thank you, but no thank you. I'm very busy."

"Take some time to think about it," Twilight suggested. "My door will always remain open to you. Please consider my offer."

Finishing up her tea, she stood and took in the blackened remains of my lobby. "I'm sorry about the mess. Can I help you to clean up?"

"No, that won't be necessary. I like the dark look," I told her, escorting her to what remained of my front door. "Bye now. Merry Hearth's Warming."

"Opaline," Twilight said, daring to lay a tentative hoof on my shoulder. "If you do nothing else, please grant me this one thing: let's not fight. Our ponies don't deserve that. And I know that in your own, strange way, you do care for them. Happy Hearth's Warming."

Well, Twilight hadn't been wrong about one thing - it was Hearth's Warming in Equestria. The Canterlot weather had been made appropriately festive, with a picturesque layer of snow that steamed around my hooves as I trudged through the mountaintop city.

I hadn't bothered with any disguise, this time - it was well past the time that everypony was in bed, and if Twilight Sparkle really was as accommodating as she claimed then I presumed the few guards on Hearth's Warming duty wouldn't be bothering me. But there was one creature I knew I could still find up and about at this time.

Well, maybe "about" is the wrong word to use.

I approached the statue in the middle of Canterlot Plaza, finding the three figures there wearing festive decorations: Cozy Glow ironically sporting a bright glowing halo, Tirek with a silly Hearth's Warming hat, and of course my dearest Chryssi, doing her best to snarl through the indignity of the many lights and baubles strung on her.

I trotted up to her and gave her stony face a gentle tap. To be honest, I didn't know if she could hear me or not. If she was still aware of what was going around her, it must have been a lonely couple of centuries. But nonetheless, I'd felt compelled to pay her a visit. Chryssi was, after all, the embodiment of the dark path, was she not? She'd never stopped until she'd been stopped. Even in her last moments, even when she must have known she was done for, she remained defiant to the end. I didn't see defeat when I looked at her, but someone with the strength and conviction to see things through to the end. Someone like me.

"She's a coward," I told the static changeling. "All that power and she doesn't have the will to face me. It's insulting. Well, I do have the will, and I'm unlike her, I'm not afraid of the consequences!"

I patted Chryssi's mane and stepped up onto the plinth, leveling myself with the face of Cozy Glow, eternally captured in a moment of unresolved shock. I guess that's what happens when you waste your second chance. "And as for you, child," I said, narrowing my eyes as I looked directly into hers. "I'm feeling festive. You get to live this year."

Tree, that's the Magic Lumber

Before today, I hadn't cried in a thousand moons. My body simply runs too hot for it. Even if there was anything worth shedding my tears over, I couldn't physically do so.

But now things had changed. My fire was gone. Equestria was gone. Everything was gone. And the tears came, and wouldn't stop.

I'd thought there was nopony more spiteful, more deserving of my scorn and wrath than Celestia, but I had never been more wrong. Twilight Sparkle was a pony more monstrous than I could ever have imagined, and I should have seen it from the beginning. With her dying breath, she denied me everything. She took my magic. She took all magic. She took Equestria. She took my ponies, hid them in a place I could never find, and left me to rot in an entropic wasteland.

I'm not ashamed to say that I fell into complete despair for a time. What else could I do? I had nothing left. Nowhere to go. Even Skyros had forsaken me. No powers to call on, no support, not even anypony to threaten. And since there was nopony left to hold me to account, I felt no shame in feeling sorry for myself.

For a time I simply wandered the endless wilderness without really taking any of it in. There wasn't anything to see. Without magic, without even wild magic, the world was simply a machine winding itself down. Plants grew in unguided disarray, creatures held themselves to account, and even they wouldn't give me the time of day. I couldn't even take out my anger on them.

But although it took a long time, I cannot be kept down forever. It's simply not in my nature. I always bounce back from setbacks. True, this was the biggest thing that ever went wrong in the entire history of things going wrong, but isn't that a challenge worthy of an alicorn? The greatest alicorn who ever lived? I am not mortal, and that means I don't give up. Ever. If I couldn't have my fire, let anger and hate be my fire instead.

Twilight Sparkle was dead, and that was a big, big win. If I were keeping a scorecard, that would be worth, ooh, a million points.

Equestria was gone, but it wasn't gone gone. It was still out there somewhere, waiting for me.

And the magic? The magic also wasn't gone gone. You can't just make magic vanish. You can move it, dissipate it, concentrate it, send it to other realms, but it's always there.

Plus, I knew Twilight Sparkle. She believed friendship was magic, whatever that meant, so if there was no magic, there couldn't be friendship either, and that would have been anathema to her. No, magic was still here, I was sure of it. I could take that too. I could get it all back, and with nopony to stop me this time.

I just needed power. Any power, anything I could get.

I looked up at the stars with some considerable satisfaction. It had taken decades of observation and experimentation to be sure, but now I was convinced: Twilight Sparkle was a complete idiot.

In her final hours, she had set the sun and moon on fixed courses, to maintain the cycle of day and night in the absence of magic. By my count, the cycle had a 10-year wobble in it, but on a grand timescale, it was effectively rigid.

She had no idea what a boon she'd handed me! With such a precise astronomical clock, both lunar and solar astrology were open to me. I could align my rituals to the cycles and build power slowly but surely. It was a painfully slow process, but it would work! Had she really thought I didn't know the ways of the ancients? Ignorant fool! I am one of the ancients!

I still had a couple of pressing problems to solve. The first was the location of Equestria. I had been wandering far and wide for years, but had had zero success in locating it. Yet, I was sure it had to be somewhere. I was starting to suspect it might be intentionally hidden from me and me specifically, because that was the kind of sneaky and hateful thing Twilight Sparkle would do.

The second problem was more immediate, a matter of concoction - another ancient art that she had erroneously thought me incapable of. Vegetation had been growing rampantly since the loss of magic, but I had been carefully cultivating a few fields of it to use as ingredients for potions. Right now, I had a brew bubbling away, my latest attempt to create something I'd been needing desperately for moons.

I sampled the frothy brown potion, but immediately spat it out in disgust. The malting process was working, but the flavor just wasn't quite there yet.

I really missed milk.

My distant wanderings had yet to locate Equestria, but that didn't mean they were for naught. I'd discovered that the wilderness didn't extend forever - there still existed remnants of the missing civilization, strewn across the land like puzzle pieces that had been fit in the wrong place. Sections of road that didn't connect anything to anything, abandoned and half-ruined buildings, fences crisscrossing each other without purpose. It seemed like they'd been excluded from Twilight's spell, but I couldn't figure out why.

But it was progress! It was the first real solid lead I had to go on. Perhaps there was some pattern I was missing. Twilight's spell seemed to have twisted the land into unrecognizability, but clearly it had some imperfections - things that had slipped the net, parts showing through where they shouldn't. It bolstered my hopes of finding Equestria considerably.

I'd spent so much time alone that I started to wonder if it was possible, even for an immortal like myself, to go insane.

"I mean, how would I even know?" I asked Gertrude, who was busily brushing my mane, teasing every kink and split out of my glorious porcelain strands as she did every morning. "Perhaps I've always been mad. Ponies always used to say I was, but I thought they were just trying to insult me. What if they were right?"

"You're not mad," Gertrude reassured me. "You're just having a bad time, that's all. None of this is your fault."

I relaxed under Gertrude's gentle touch and calming words. She always knew how to cheer me up.

"Thanks. I think I needed to hear that."

"Any time, darling," said Gertrude, warmly. "All done now!"

I admired myself in my hoof mirror. Perfect as I could be. Before Gertrude, I'd simply given up on my mane, allowing it to turn ratty and knotted. But the precious maidservant had insisted, quite forcefully, that I take care of myself, or she would do it for me. With her help, I slowly began to reclaim parts of myself I'd long abandoned. Mane care. Hygiene. Etiquette. It was hard to come back to myself, but she never stopped pushing me.

"What are you doing today, my Queen?" Gertrude asked politely. I knew she had no real investment in my plans - she just wanted to be sure I had them.

"I'm returning to the Forgotten Coast," I told her. "I think I'm really getting close now, Gertrude. Equestria is there, I'm sure of it. I can't see it, but everything is pointing to it."

Gertrude smiled. "It won't be long now, your Majesty. Soon you'll take your rightful place once more."

I rapped my hoof on the edge of nothing, feeling the void twist around my foreleg like a mylar sheet. Rejecting me like a petulant foal.

The shroud of Equestria! I'd found it at last! The last vestige of Twilight Sparkle's pathetic, fruitless attempt to resist me.

I couldn't see anything beyond the void. Or to be more precise, the void was showing me something other than what was actually there. A glamor, extending a superficial illusion of my surroundings to fill the missing gap. There might be an entire citadel standing merely feet away, but all I could see were rolling hills and fields of grass. Twilight Sparkle's pettiness was so boundless that she wouldn't even allow me to glimpse my prize.

Further exploration revealed the border of the shroud to be vast, which wasn't too surprising given that I knew it was hiding an entire country. It would take a long time to chart out the perimeter. But that impediment was minor to me. The important thing was that Equestria was still largely fixed to this plane, concealed only by what was essentially the magical equivalent of a tablecloth. All I needed now was the power to penetrate it.

Thunder boomed across the sky as lightning backlit the abandoned watchtower. I trotted across the crumbled stone viaduct that bridged the precipitous drop before the entrance.

Aesthetics? Five stars, easily. Location? Within spitting distance of Equestria, at least when I regained my fully-empowered fire alicorn spit. Condition?

I screamed as the arched front gate toppled off its supports, and dove onto the flagstone just in time to avoid being flattened.

Condition: decidedly not great. Still, better than most of the shacks I'd lived in over the last few centuries. This was it. This was my new home. I didn't care if it was infested with rats or if I had to fight a giant spider for ownership. I'd been without a lair for far too long.

Brandishing a lit torch, I crunched through the dust of centuries. This place had been old even before Twilight Sparkle ruined everything. Not quite pre-Unification era, but certainly older than Celestia's rule. I suspected it had been built to overlook the river and valley below, and project military might in this region. It hadn't been used for many thousands of moons, but I could find savage weapons still in their racks. Beautiful.

The main hallway eventually ended at a large arched door - this one fortunately still on working hinges - and I pushed it open to find the largest room yet, a circular chamber with a ceiling tall enough to be lost in the gloom. At one point it had had an enormous chandelier to light it, but that had fallen long ago and was now sitting in a rubble pit in the center of the room. Dirty stained glass threw a cold greenish hue over the gothic decor, while blazes of gold provided a balancing warmth. And outside, the thunder continued to boom distantly, making me feel warm and safe in my new lair.

"It's perfect."

My face wobbled within the surface of the ominous liquid that filled my new scrying pool, which added a sinister underlighting to the room, along with a faint scent of evil.

Now if I had something to scry upon, that would be lovely. But sadly, even my incredible prowess in divination couldn't penetrate that blasted shroud.

I growled and retreated back to my new throne, throwing myself into it moodily. What could I do? Right now, if anypony were around to witness me, I would be heralded as the most adept shamaness who had ever lived. And yet all my magicks were cheap parlor tricks compared to the real, raw thaumic energy of Equestria. I wanted it so badly.

"Think, Opaline," I told myself. "Every enchantment has a weakness somewhere, unless it's one cast by me. There's always something that gets overlooked."

The obvious way to bypass the shroud was to dig underneath it, but I'd tried that already. The barrier extended downward through the ground. I didn't know if Equestria was completely sealed from underneath, but I had to assume that was the case.

Still, there was potential to that avenue. The fact that the shroud had to intersect solid earth meant that there were things that could pass through it. Inanimate things like dirt and rocks, those would be exempt from its effects.

My eyes opened wide as I had a brainwave, then wider as I lost my balance and toppled off the side of my throne.

"I don't understand," Gertrude said, looking at me with doubt and uncertainty, then at the shallow hole I'd dug in the dirt beneath Arcana Keep. "My Queen, I am not a gardener. I don't really think this is something I can help you with."

"Of course it is," I told her, taking the manebrush from her hoof and gently guiding her to the soft, purplish soil at the edge of the hole. Inside, a single seed was placed, glowing and slightly shuddering with all the magic I'd infused into it. "You're the only one who can help me, Gertrude. I'm going outside of my comfort zone a bit here."

"I'll do what I can, my Queen."

I nodded grimly, and gestured to the hole. "I'm going to grow something called a Together Tree. It's a special kind of plant that feeds on unity magic and..." - I paused, trying to sound more like I was being dramatic and less like I was throwing up in my mouth - "... friendship."

Gertrude nodded. "And what do you need me from me, my Queen?"

I tilted my head at her, puzzled by her question. "Well, we're friends."

The maidservant's expression shifted from doubt to sudden nervousness. "Um, my Queen, I don't know if we really have the kind of... relationship that's required for something like this. I am of course your loyal servant, and -"

"You don't like me?"

"My Queen, it's not a question of like, nor dislike. The problem is more a metaphysical issue which lies rather outside of my remit, I'm afraid."

I couldn't figure out why my usually-helpful maidservant was so suddenly reticent, but with some cajoling I eventually secured her cooperation, and I performed the ritual to activate the magic within. The soil surrounding the seed shimmered pink with potential. "Now we just wait, Gertrude."

As an alicorn, I am as much earth pony as I am unicorn or pegasus, but I have to admit, agriculture and horticulture don't come as easily to me as my other talents. Perhaps it's the tradeoff of being a fire alicorn. Because, to my intense annoyance, I could not get my tree to cooperate with me in the least.

I mean, it grew - that was promising, at least - just not in the way I expected. For whatever reason, the tree objected to being outside in the shadow of my keep, and refused to sprout anything more than a sickly seedling out there. It wasn't until one day I found myself unable to close my pantry door, that I realized the tree had been snaking its way through my castle behind my back. Every floor of every tower, I found branches growing up through the stonework, displacing bricks and making use of every gap and crevice available to climb higher and higher.

Sneaky and ambitious. I guess it really was a tree after my heart. Eventually I got tired of trying to corral the thing, and just let it grow where it wanted. I can't deny that it lent a certain organic warmth to the place.

"Gertrude!" I yelled, my hoof mid-brush through my mane. "Gertrude! I've done it!"

I stared into the illusory image above my scrying pool, barely noticing as Gertrude dutifully took over and continued brushing my mane. "What is it, my Queen?"

I poured another tiny phial of hematite essence into the pool, trying to turn the flickering, dancing image into something meaningful. "I saw Equestria, Gertrude! For only a second, but it was there! I saw ponies... hundreds, thousands of them! But I don't understand how..."

My heart leapt as the image came back again, this time in greater clarity. I was looking down on a golden city from above, onto a wide avenue lined with thousands of ponies on either side. I leaned forward to get a better look, but in an eyeblink, my vantage point changed to somewhere else, and I was suddenly in the crowd at eye level, looking toward a tall palace.

It was clearly a special occasion, and I didn't even have to guess what it was. Lettering in a bold script beneath the image proclaimed: "CORONATION OF QUEEN HAVEN".

"They're all pegasi, Gertrude," I said, squinting at the crowd. "This must be Cloudsdale, or whatever Cloudsdale is now."

"Congratulations, my Queen," Gertrude said. "I knew you would succeed."

"That's just it, Gertrude, I don't think I did. I'm not scrying anything. These images are being sent to me. Or, well, no, that's not right. I think they're being sent everywhere. Aetheric waves emanating from within Equestria. I've just found a way to receive them."

"That's still a spectacular achievement, my Queen," Gertrude insisted.

"It is, isn't it?" I said with a proud grin. "If nothing else, it proves that Twilight Sparkle's stupid spell isn't completely impermeable. I may not be able to get in, but that doesn't stop me getting things out. This could be it, Gertrude. The breakthrough I need. With this new source of information, I'll be able to find out all kinds of things I couldn't before. Perhaps even locate a weak point in the shroud."

"It's wonderful, my Queen," said Gertrude. "I wish you the best of luck."

"Don't brood," Gertrude admonished, picking up the manebrush at my side and gently grooming my mane back into order. "It's not healthy."

I closed my eyes and continued to slouch on my throne as the brush slid through my mane. "But I like brooding. This chair is good for it," I argued back sulkily.

Suddenly the brushing stopped, and I pouted in surprise, opening my eyes to see the maidservant looking down at me with a very disapproving expression. I didn't like it. It made me feel small.

"You have to do something, my Queen. You're so close to your goal. You can't give up now."

"I haven't given up!" I yelled at her, before shrinking back apologetically. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"There's no need to apologize," Gertrude insisted. "But you do have to get back on track."

"I need more time, Gertrude. My magic is but a feather compared to the enchantment protecting Equestria." I sighed. "I've waited so long. I can wait a little longer. Now, finish brushing my mane."

Gertrude defiantly held the brush aloft, out of reach.

I frowned and tried to remember that word, the one mortals used sometimes. "P-Please?"

She didn't relent.

"Time isn't the problem, my Queen," Gertrude said, as I sulkily sat up in my throne. "Nor is magic. You have enough. What you need is help."

"I do not need help!" I hissed at her. "I need nopony! I am Opaline Arcana, Queen of the Flame, and I design my own fate!" I breathed a few calming breaths, and then relaxed again. "Besides, I have you, Gertrude, my sweet, most loyal servant. You're the only pony I need."

Gertrude looked at me, her eyes carrying a sadness that filled me with cold dread. "No, my Queen. I... I can't do this any more."

"Of course you can," I told her. "I will it. I command it."

"No," she said. "Because I'm not real. You know I'm not."

"I don't care," I told her truthfully. "You're real to me, Gertrude, and that's all that matters. I would happily take a thousand of you over any real pony."

"I know you would," Gertrude said, with a polite, hollow laugh. "That's the problem."

A cold, itchy sweat prickled at my skin. "Gertrude, please... please, I'm..." my throat constricted at the unfamiliar words I was forcing through it. "I'm begging you. Don't go. I need you."

"You don't," Gertrude said with a warm smile, as she began to fade. "As you said, you are the designer of your own fate. It's time for you to take charge of it once again."

"Please..." I grabbed Gertrude's hoof as she faded to nothing, but found myself only holding her manebrush. "Gertrude! Gertrude! Please come back!"

I gazed tight-lipped over the image of the forest known as Bridlewood. An actual scryed image this time, rather than the peculiar signals Equestria was beaming out.

I'd learned many things from those signals. Equestria itself had as little access to magic as I had. Was that a side-effect of Twilight's spell? The magic was definitely still there, somewhere, just locked away, out of reach. The neo-Equestrians barely even believed magic existed any more, treating it as something akin to an old mare's tale.

Oh, and pony society had also fractured back to a pre-Unification state, with each pony tribe sequestered in its own isolated community. Good job, Twilight Sparkle. You actually outdid Celestia. You managed to reverse thousands of years of societal progress.

The unicorns in particular had fared the worst - they, at least, did believe in magic, but had absolutely no idea what it was, and their ill-conceived notions had morphed into bizarre rituals and superstitions. Even speaking the word itself was forbidden. Good news for me, then, because they would have no idea how to handle somepony like me.

Sickly purple lights pulsed beneath the bark of my Together Tree as I bullied it into cooperation. I felt it was only fair, seeing as how I had to share half my throne room with the freeloader. It was a difficult process, particularly as I was doing it with limited magic and a semi-reliable scryer, but I eventually managed to snare a prize. A unicorn filly, slender-horned, with a baby-blue coat and a mop of dense frizz atop her head. My portal closed the moment she was in my throne room, the tree giving an audible groan as it went inert once more.

"Hello, little one," I said to her as she craned her neck upward to take in my impressive form. "What's your name?"

"M-M-M-Misty," she stammered. I liked it. A name that evoked mystery and sneakiness, perfect for the role I had in mind for her.

"Misty," I said with a warm smile. "Welcome to my keep. I am Opaline Arcana, Alicorn of Fire, Queen of the Fla-"

"C-Can you take me home? I got lost..." Misty asked.

Oh dear. That won't do. "I hadn't finished talking, Misty dear. Don't interrupt."

"Why do you have w-wings?"

"I'm an alicorn, darling," I said proudly. "In fact, I'm the Alicorn. My kind is superior to all other ponies."

"C-Can you help me find my dad?" she asked. "I was looking for glowpaz, but I got lost..."

"Yes, we already established that," I snapped. "Of course I can help you, Misty. You must be terrified, you poor little thing." I swept a wing around her. "Let me take all those fears and troubles away..."

I'd had a long, long time to think about what had gone wrong with Brannvin, and the main problem, I realized, was thinking that I could undo the wrong ideas that had been instilled into his young mind. The ideals of friendship were too insidious to be removed by mere words, even those spoken by somepony as eloquent and commanding as me.

I wasn't going to make that mistake again. The amount of magic I'd put up for this endeavor was too valuable to risk wasting. If I was to have a minion again, I was going to do this correctly from the beginning.

"I feel funny," Misty said, as I laid her on a table covered in thick, fluffy towels. "My head feels all swimmy... where's my dad?"

I gently caressed her head. "Don't you worry, Misty dear. When you wake up, you'll feel like a brand new pony."

I laid down a few more towels beneath her head as her mind stilled and she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Removing her memories was the key to shaping her in the way I wanted, but it wasn't enough. I'd kept thinking back to my time in the Storm Kingdom all those moons ago, and the jealousy I'd felt every time I looked at Tempest Shadow. Tempest hadn't wanted power, or money, or worldly delights - she just wanted her stupid horn. That motivation was everything to her, and it was such a simple one to control that even the idiot Storm King could do it. If I'd thought he had it in him, I might even have assumed that he set up the whole accident with the Ursa Minor in the first place. It's what I would have done.

And maybe it was uninspired on my part, but... why change what works?

As I rested the chisel against the base of the sleeping filly's horn, I remembered Tempest telling me what it had felt like when hers came off. She said it was one of the worst pains a unicorn could endure - nothing in her life had even come close to matching it. It was, I suspected, one of the things that made her such a tough mare - after you've been through something like that, how can anything else compare?

But dear Misty, she wouldn't feel a thing. And when she awoke, a new filly, she would have every reason to trust, and serve, and love me - the only pony who could give her the one thing she wanted most.

I smiled sweetly to myself. And they call me a monster.

Life is a Misty Plea

Being immortal is as amazing as it sounds, but it does come with its pains. You see, when you live as extremely long as I do, you have to start dealing with things like... heurgh. Science.

To mortal ponies, things like the drifts of continental plates or the the dances of stars in the heavens don't even register, giving them the false comfort of a static and unchanging world. A pretty still-life in which to eke out their inconsequential lives. So of course it inevitably falls to me to carry them through their ignorance.

The problem, in this case, is biological evolution. Heurgh. Curse that travelling unnaturalist and his idiotic theory! So it turns out that over the last thousand moons or so, unicorns developed the ability to naturally regrow their horns if lost or damaged. I can only assume that they spent the last hundred generations slamming their faces into trees.

Ho hum. No matter, I can adapt. At least it cut down on the mess, so, you know. Silver linings.

Once she had fully disgorged the remaining stump of her horn, I crushed and powdered the pieces to see if I could salvage any alicornite, but could only extract a few meager inert grains, barely a tickle of thaumic potential. I hadn't expected anything, but it was still a shame. She might have been useful for regular harvesting otherwise.

Misty, to give the dear credit, took it like a champ, and I felt continually reassured that I had made the right choice in selecting her. I really have to admire that five-year-old's resolve as I taught her who and what she was, and set her to work on cleaning my fortress.

I mean, to be clear, she was terrible at first, but I was gracious enough to give her the benefit of the doubt.

As that first year passed, her memory settled down, her horn slowly grew back, and her complaints of headaches grew less frequent. Her new horn was, alas, not a patch on the original - a cloudy, stubby, chipped stalagmite of a thing.

But Gertrude had been right. What a joy it was to have an actual, real friend, somepony who would hang on my every word and do everything I say! Somepony to shape in my own image, to be everything I wanted them to be. It was difficult. Nervewracking, even. Even the possibility of betrayal made me itchy. I stamped out signs of dissidence as soon as I saw them, but without access to direct mind control, there were times when she simply wouldn't cooperate, and I had to find ways to punish her that wouldn't compromise her ability to serve me. I hated doing it, but what other choice did I have?

Actually, there was another choice. And my genius little filly came up with it all by herself.

"Opaline?"

I jumped and quickly dispelled the magical image above my pool, just as a flamboyantly dressed earth pony dove off of a sporting ring to land violently on his opponent. "Misty! Don't sneak up on me like that, it's rude!" I hadn't even seen her enter the room. Who taught her how to sneak around like that?

Oh, wait. I did.

"I'm sorry, Opaline," the eight-year-old apologized. "But I was... I was wondering..."

"Yes? Don't mumble, Misty."

"I was wondering... what does your... your... flank thing do?"

My flank thing? I was about to berate her for her imprecision, when I realized, from where she was pointing, she was talking about my cutie mark. Had I really never explained this to her before?

"This, Misty?" I said, stepping up out of my throne to display my hindquarters, and the regal marking that emblazoned them. "This is my cutie mark. It doesn't really do anything as such, it's more of a symbol of who and what I am. A branding from the universe, if you will. All ponies receive one once they have determined their true purpose. Well, that's if you believe in destiny, of course."

"All ponies?" Misty echoed. "When will I get mine?"

I was taken aback by the sudden passion in her eyes. I hadn't seen her this eager since she drew me that portrait using my ritual chalk. I punished her severely for that, of course.

"Ah," I said. "Well, that's the thing, Misty. Cutie marks don't just magically appear. They have to be earned."

"How?" she asked. "What do I have to do?"

"Don't rush me, Misty," I snapped. "I'm not done explaining. To get your cutie mark, you have to prove yourself worthy of receiving it, just as I did, just as everypony has to. And once you've done that, I can grant it to you."

"You?" she asked.

"Yes... yes, of course me, why do you sound so surprised? I'm an alicorn, I can do anything. Except..." I turned away from her dramatically. "As you know, my power isn't what it used to be. It was taken from me by the evil princess Twilight Sparkle."

"The one who put Equestria in that giant invisi-bubble?"

"Yes, good, I'm glad to see you've been paying attention. That's why I've been working so hard to get it back, and it's also why I have to be hard on you sometimes. No pony can go through life without their cutie mark. It wouldn't be any kind of life at all. But if you help me, and do as I say, and prove to me that you're ready for it, then I'll be able to reclaim my power from Equestria, and grant you your cutie mark."

"I'll do it, Opaline!" she said, voice filled with determination. "I'll do whatever it takes!"

I'd never seen her so energized! Was this really all I'd needed to do? It was almost embarrassing that I'd overlooked it, but then, I hadn't really thought much about cutie marks at all in a long time. As far as I could tell, they had become vestigial over the centuries - ponies still got them, but they no longer appeared to serve any magical function. They didn't even emerge on both flanks any more.

"What mark will I get, Opaline?" she asked. "Will it be like yours?"

"Oh, no, no, no," I laughed. "My mark is special, it represents my alicorn affinity. Nopony can have a mark like mine. I received mine when I ascended to become the Alicorn of Fire."

"How?"

Normally I would chastise the girl for asking so many questions, but I was enjoying getting the opportunity to talk about myself. And plus, this part was actually true, so I didn't have to go to the effort of making up lies. "There was a time, Misty, when I was a young unicorn, just like yourself. I lived in a quaint little village somewhere in... well, it doesn't really matter where. I was quite the magical prodigy even at a young age - there wasn't any spell I couldn't master, no trick I couldn't perform with ease. But of course, my true speciality was fire magic. I understood fire on a much deeper level than anypony else could, and my control was so complete that I could wreathe myself in flames without singeing so much as a hair.

"But one day, disaster struck my village. An evil demon made from living magma attacked and burned everything in his path -"

"What's magma?"

"Molten stone. Don't interrupt, I'm getting to the good part. I was the only one strong enough to stand up to him. While everypony escaped, I stayed in our burning village and fought him with all the magic I knew - aquamancy, ice spells, transmogrification, geomancy... nothing worked. His fire was so hot that it burned everything, even my magic. What was I to do? The one thing I was good at was the one thing I couldn't use. You can't fight fire with fire.

Until I realized, in a flash of inspiration, that I already had what I needed to defeat him. I needed his fire. With all of my magical strength, I pulled the very fire from his body, turning him to harmless rock. And then I took the fire into myself. I thought I was going to be burned alive, but then I found myself in Skyros, the owner of a new pair of fiery wings... and my new cutie mark. I had become the Alicorn of Fire, and the savior of my village."

"Wow!" said Misty, wide-eyed. Ineloquent, but a suitable expression of awe.

"Wow indeed," I agreed. "The lesson, Misty, is that power belongs to the pony most worthy of wielding it. I think you can easily see that's me."

"Opaline?" Misty asked.

"Yes? What is it?"

When I didn't get an immediate reply, I looked up from my throne, ready to berate her for her pointless interruption. But something about her gave me pause. I wasn't sure what it was. Something strange and uncertain in her expression. I didn't like it very much. Or maybe it was her stupid new hairdo. I didn't like that much either. So gaudy.

"You're not ill again, are you?" I asked her.

"No."

"Well, good," I said. "I don't have time to care for you again. What is it, girl?"

She paused for some reason. I presumed she was trying to avoid presenting her usual stammering babble to me. "You told me once you could magically disguise yourself. Can you do that for me?"

I frowned, surprised by the request. "I'm not Rent-a-Friend, Misty. Why would I want to hide my glorious self, now that I have my magic back?"

"Because I... I want you to come to Maretime Bay with me. Just for today. There's something going on there that you might like to see."

I was about to rebuke her for this idiotic request, but again, something in her voice just seemed... off. What was that? Sadness? What did the girl have to be sad about? I hadn't belittled or punished her for days. Come to think of it, this was the first time I'd really spoken to her in days. She was nearly always out in the field lately.

Ah... maybe she'd discovered something in Maretime Bay? Some potential threat to my plans? I didn't think there was really anything that could threaten me any more, but I'd been caught out by my overconfidence before. It wouldn't hurt to go over there just to have a look.

"Good idea, Misty," I said, figuring a compliment that would take the edge off of her dour mood. With a ripple of fiery magic from horntip to hooves, I changed; my wings melted away, my stature diminished slightly, and my mane tidied itself away into a prim, unassuming bun. I examined a mauve hooftip idly, satisfied that my prowess at concealment magic was still unrivalled. "Let's see what you've found."

"Misty," I said, in aggravation.

"Yes, Opaline?"

"What is this."

Fillies and foals scuttled excitedly around us, thankfully paying me no heed as their minds appeared engaged with something else. There was a local celebration happening in Maretime Bay, centered around the appreciation of decorative orbs. It seemed thoroughly tedious.

"It's the Maretime Bay Egg Hunt," Misty said, as if this explained anything. "It used to be a Zephyr Heights tradition, but Maretime Bay agreed to host it this year. Next year it'll be Bridlewood's turn."

"And you've brought me here because...?"

Misty hesitated. "I thought you might want to take part."

I snorted as I considered that, then burst out into loud cackles. "Oh, that is good, Misty! The very idea of it! Since you did make me laugh, I won't punish you quite so severely for dragging me here. But come now. Do you really think I have nothing better to do than play a silly filly's game?"

"It's not just about playing," Misty said. "There's a creative element to it too. Some of us are Hunters and some of us are Hiders. The Hiders have to hide the eggs and come up with clues for the Hunters to solve. And I..." she gave a sad little sigh. "I thought you might at least like to see a bit of the world you're about to conquer. It might help you to understand the ponies you're going to be ruling over."

"I don't need to understand them, Misty, that's kind of the whole point of being Queen," I said, rolling my eyes at her childish idealism. "But fine, I'll indulge this idiotic fancy of yours, just this once."

Her eyes lit up with the kind of childish excitement I thought I'd stamped out of her a long time ago. "Oh, thank you, thank you!"

Heurgh. My uncharacteristic act of generosity made me feel queasy, and I said little as I walked with her to the sign-up desk, where she acquired a sheet of paper from the orange earth pony manning the table -

"Hi there!" Sunny greeted, brightly.

"Starscout."

Her ears flattened and she recoiled under my gaze, chilled to the bone but still not having the decency to just keel over and die. "I, uh... hello? Have we... met?"

I continued to drill into her with my stare, even as Misty intervened with her usual brand of reckless improv. "Oh, Sunny! This is my, uh, my friend! From Bridlewood! I brought her here for the Egg Hunt because she, um, she really wanted to take part."

The fakiecorn nodded, grimacing in discomfort as she writhed beneath my inescapable glare.

"Yes," I hissed in addendum. "We're going to complete your Orb Quest."

"Egg Hunt," Misty corrected.

"I, uh... right!" said Sunny. "Well, this is a new thing we're doing this year. All you have to do is take an egg, hide it somewhere in Maretime Bay, and make up a puzzle, or a riddle, or something to help ponies find them!"

"Oh, I have a riddle," I said disinterestedly. "What's orange, has four legs, and screams when you set it on fire?"

"Ahahahaha!" Misty hacked, guiding me away before the idiot could process my broadsword wit. "We'll go get our egg now thanks Sunny!"

I suffered to be dragged to a second table, where a professional nitwit was decorating a collection of eggs in childish colors and patterns. I recognized her as the unicorn of the group, one of the gaggle who assaulted me in my castle a couple of months ago.

"Hey there, Misty!" she said in a voice that sounded like a chipmunk vomiting up gravel. "Here for an egg? I bet I've got egg-zactly what you're looking for!"

"Hi, Izzy," Misty greeted, with impressive familiarity. She had, I admit, done an excellent job of inveigling herself into their grouping. None of them even remotely suspected that Misty was really working for me. "We'll take one egg, please!"

"We? Oh! Who's your friend?" Izzy asked, noticing me, her eyes brightening, but then narrowing in confusion as her gaze drifted above my head. "Huh. I've never seen a horn like that before."

"Oh, this is my, um, my friend Olive from Bridlewood!" Misty flailed.

"From Bridlewood? Hey, I'm from Bridlewood too!" Izzy said excitedly. "But I don't think I've ever met you before..."

"Are you going to give us an egg or not?" I clucked impatiently.

"Oh, right! Sure thing!" She presented a selection of pre-made glittering abominations. "See anything you like?"

Most of them were disgustingly festive, but I did find one that spoke to me, a purplish egg with swirling iridescent markings that oddly resembled the Dragon Stone. I lifted it in my aura and rotated it for inspection, finding it pleasingly well-designed. "This one."

"Oooh, the Spawn of Darkness. A bold choice!" Izzy praised.

As we turned and stepped away with my prize, the irritating voice revved up again. "Hey, wait! Olive! You said you're from Bridlewood, right? It's really surprising that I've never met you! What's your family name?"

Misty seized in sudden terror, and I saw her mouth twitching as she tried to invent some elaborate deception on the spot. I sighed, and simply twirled around to face the unicorn again. "I suppose I should properly introduce myself. Olive Aconite, of the Aconite Clan," I said, offering a hoof to the surprised unicorn. "My family are harvesters on the far side of Bridlewood."

"Which far side?" Izzy asked.

"Whichever one you visit the least, evidently. However," I drew my face close to her widened eyes. "I'd advise you don't go looking for us. Unicorns are known to disappear quite easily in our neck of the forest. Some say the trees there have a taste for flesh and will eat ponies whole. Terrible way to go. Have a good day, now."

I hummed cheerily as Misty and I left the stunned unicorn behind, only realizing after a minute or so that Misty was staring at me. "What? I was deceiving ponies a thousand lifetimes before you were born, Misty. Give me some credit."

"So if they find our egg, they get..."

"Candy," Misty explained.

"And if they fail, they get..."

"Well, they don't get the candy."

"There are no consequences for failure? What kind of motivation is that?" I scoffed.

"Well, ponies really like candy. And plus, solving puzzles is fun!" Misty said.

"I assure you, when I want to test a pony, they will not be having fun," I insisted. "Perhaps we could make the eggs detonate if they aren't found in time? That would be quite a powerful incentive, I feel. Yes, perhaps I will retain this tradition once I rule Equestria."

Misty fell silent as we trotted the streets, unable to trump my marvelous idea, and resigned herself to carrying my egg as I strode down streets I'd only ever seen from a scryer's eye view. Apparently she was content to let me decide our hiding place, and so I veered away from the bustle of the town center, eventually arriving at an unkempt cottage bordered by beds of wilted plants. Very dreary. It reminded me of home more than anything else I'd seen here.

"Oh... wait. We can't hide it here," Misty suddenly piped up. "That's Posey's cottage."

"Word to the wise, Misty, don't ever tell me what I can and can't do," I snapped. "Explain."

"Posey doesn't get on well with other ponies. She won't like it if she sees us near her house."

"I like her already," I said with a cheery smirk. "Well, then, this is perfect, isn't it? Nopony will dare to come here, so they'll never find our egg. Fear is a weapon, learn how to wield it." I levitated the egg from her back. "Dig up the flowerbed, and let's get this done."

"I can't do that!" she said, horrified. "I mean... um... if I do that, ponies will know we buried something here. Trust me, some ponies in this town are great detectives. They'll see the clues."

I sighed. "Fine." I strode up the steps to the cottage door and rapped sharply on it. Misty gave me a panicked head-shaking gesture, which I ignored as the door opened to reveal a dishevelled yellow earth pony.

"Delivery for you," I announced, thrusting the egg at her. "Keep it safe. Don't let anypony have it."

"Sure," said the pony in a dreary, lifeless voice. "Will do."

"Posey?" Misty called out, stepping forward. "Are you... are you okay?"

"Fine," said Posey flatly. There was something familiar about that voice - a hint of a whine that I was sure I'd heard before, although louder and more grating. Had I met this one before? I didn't recognize her, although it looked like she'd really let herself go recently; her eyes were framed by unsightly bags, and her mane and tail dragged and drooped much like the dying plants in her garden.

"Oh my gosh! What happened to your cutie mark!" Misty exclaimed. Ah, now I remembered. The annoying pony I met last week.

"Go away," Posey said, in a dull, defeated tone. "I don't want visitors."

"You heard the mare, Misty," I told her. "We're done here." The door slumped shut behind us as we left the cottage.

"Opaline... did you... did you take her cutie mark?" Misty asked nervously.

I laughed. "Who else do you think? I like her much better this way, don't you? Much more cooperative." I sighed happily. "Imagine it, darling. Everypony in Equestria without their cutie mark, too miserable to even think about questioning me. And me, with all of their magic, and all of the power in the world. Oh, it's so beautiful," I sighed dreamily. "And of course you, my faithful Misty, by my side. We're so very close now, aren't you excited?"

I looked out across the town of Maretime Bay, taking a deep, satisfied breath of salty sea air. "Thank you for bringing me here, Misty. You were right. This was exactly what I needed."

"Yeah," said Misty quietly, from somewhere behind my shoulder. "Me too."

How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This

"I win! I am the Fire Alicorn! I am power!"

With more preparation I could have probably come up with a slightly better victory speech, but it all happened so fast that it was a bit of a blur. Besides, I was feeling so energized in the heat of that moment that I didn't care at all. I'd already won, after all.

Or at least, so I'd thought. I'm sure you know how the rest of this goes, but I don't, because I was busy being tangled up in a rainbow pretzel. Thus, I hope you don't mind if I take some artistic license here.

"Opaline!" Sunny Starscout dribbled. "You'll never succeed in your plan for perfectly-reasonable domination of ponykind! And you know why?"

I didn't answer, partly because the question was obviously rhetorical, and also because a rainbow was trying to climb down my throat.

"Because," she continued, "We have the unholy power of Frerfship! And it's stronger than anything ever in the history of ever! I now sentence you to a punishment of one million years!"

"But how," I gargled. "How did you do this? I have all of the power, and all of the magic, and all of your cutie marks! All you have are a bunch of carollers and a thrift store necklace!"

"Isn't it obvious?" she replied infuriatingly.

"Well, no, otherwise I wouldn't have asked," I replied with an annoyed glare. "I mean, I had a song and a necklace too, doesn't that count for anything?"

"By cheating!" yelled Sunny triumphantly.

"Yeah, Sunny! You're the best at stuff!"

"I'm getting all this on my camcorder!"

"Glitter!"

"I was always going to betray you, Opaline!"

"Noooooooooo!" I cried, as my castle rumbled around me and my traitorous tree snared me with sickly green vines and began pulling me toward a gaping maw in its bark.

It wasn't really going to end like this, was it? Betrayed by a tree? Treeson! I flailed, and growled, and bit, and struggled bodily, blasting the wooden vines with what little fire I had left, but the thing was a hydra, exponentiating its hold on me with each second.

My eyes widened as I felt an impossibly-strong pull on my flank, then an electric snap that left a numbness in my system. The fire flickered from my eyes as a tentacle carried away the regal crest that made me me. "No! My cutie mark! I earned that mark! You can't..."

I ceased my protest as vines wound around my muzzle, my neck, my basically everything, weaving themselves into a full-body straitjacket. The last sight of the outside world was the crumbling walls of my dungeon before the bark sealed around me, and it was just me and the glowing green vines. Vines which, as far as I could tell, hated me. I didn't know trees could get so personal.

Oh, this was not pleasant at all. Vines multiplied around me, pressing and crushing and doubling up until I couldn't twitch so much as a hooftip. As the magic faded from them, they turned solid again, becoming an inescapable cage of living wood.

It's Hearth's Warming again. Or Wishmas, or whatever they call it now. I know, because the sap I'm drenched in always gains a sickly sweetness this time of year, and I can hear the tedious drone of festive singing around my tree. Perhaps it thinks it can reform me with enough festive cheer. Well, good luck with that. I'm not done yet.

I admit it, I was beaten. Again. It never hurts any less, each time. There's probably a lesson I should have learned in there somewhere.

But I'm making progress! I have Equestria back again. And when I'm out of here, not one inch of this land is going to escape my wrath, I promise you that!