The Princess Said Calmly

by redandready45

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1700

Princess Luna chases after Anon! He has no idea why!

Princess Luna very calmly approached Anon. Anon very calmly and tactfully ran for the hills.

Published 2023-12-29 14:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-29 14:40:00 UTC

WHERE ART THOU GOING?!

Another tree exploded behind you as you ran for your life.

"ANON!"

You dared not turn around. Not only because it was dark, and you would trip and fall and thus be left to the mercies of the crazy mare, but because you didn't need to turn around to know who, or more accurately, what I was chasing after you: the scary glowing eyes, furious glare, and dark blue fur were already burned into you. You felt her presence like a heat-seeking missile that would stop at nothing to see you destroyed.

You were running through what looked like a meadow on the outskirts of Canterlot. Had it not been for your present situation and everything getting exploded, you could have appreciated the beauty of the place. You reflected on what had happened just before.

You remembered your first day in Equestria and the weird first impression you left behind. Due to a misunderstanding, you thought the candy-colored mares chasing after you were trying to hunt and kill you when, in reality, they were trying to save you from a brain-eating monster.

And man, did they turn out to be some of the nicest beings in the world, if incredibly quirky in their ways. It made your initial impression of them seem even more ridiculous than before.

The Princess of Friendship was a grade-A nerd, obsessing over magic like a geek obsesses over a chemistry set, and was weirdly interested in asking questions about your world to draw comparisons to the other human world she had visited several times in an attempt to develop what she called "the Multiversal constant."

Don't engage her in a conversation alone, or she'll turn small talk into an exposition on galaxy formation.

Applejack and her large family embodied the best parts of country folks: sincere, humble, and incredibly welcoming. But once you mentioned the word "pear," you felt these charming rustic ponies turn murderous until you specified that you thought they were the abomination of the Earth. You wondered if hate crimes covered incitement against fruit.

Pinkie Pie was, well, Cthulu, if Cthulu invited you to a party and gave you a cake. Although "invite" may be too soft of a word since, like Cthulu, she could end you in the most contrived ways if you refused a party invitation. At the very least, murder by balloon animal would be a unique way to go, right?

Fluttershy's personality was very contradictory: she was terrified of your presence, and what little she said was cute little squeaks that made your initial fear of her even more laughable. But when her pet bear tried to attack a beehive for honey, she sounded both still adorably wimpy and somehow brave enough to get the bear to back down.

Rarity was a snob, but she had the charm of a noblewoman about her, and she was generous enough to offer you newly stitched outfits. However, she insisted she was excited to make clothes for a new creature. She was a little too enthusiastic since you unintentionally wooed her by talking about how humans constantly wore dresses, even in casual settings. You swore she was seemingly aroused by the idea of creatures wearing clothes non-stop. You never knew your plain T-shirt could be an aphrodisiac, but maybe that resulted from a species that practiced casual nudity. (Stop it, you aren't going to think about that!)

Rainbow had been a bitch, roasting you non-stop, and you certainly weren't looking for ways to get back at her for being better at snark than you.

I would never stoop to Rainbutt's level. (HAHAHA, Rainbutt!)

After that meet and greet, Twilight brought you by train to the castle and met the Princess who could move to the Sun. The idea seemed skeptical, but the mare radiated sun goddess and cake batter, mostly Sun. Her massive butt-you meant not only lit up the sky but seemed to comfort every creature with its presence. You hadn't met her sister, the supposed Goddess of the Moon, but as a Princess, she probably had her duties, so you weren't too disappointed.

You were walking at night outside the castle on some nature trail where you heard a massive shaking and booming sound that brought you to your knees. As you pulled yourself up, it occurred to you that it was an incredible scream and something was behind you. You turned around and saw the Mare of the Night glowering at you with a strange grimace that set you on edge.

"Uh-" you began intelligently.

"WHERE ARE THOU GOING?!" She bellowed in a voice that shook the Heavens. With that, you didn't bother to answer. Your only thought was escaping the Night Goddess you had accidentally offended.

So that's how you found yourself on the run from Pony Metal Death God!

But alas, no matter how fast you were, you were still mortal. As your energy reserves ran low, your fear and exhaustion damaged your concentration, and soon, you tripped over a root, slamming into the ground. The pain was quickly replaced by fear as you felt a massive presence that you had futilely tried to escape from.

The pony loomed over you with a menace while you whimpered with dignity at your inevitable demise. Her horn glowed.

And she pulled you up off the ground.

"ART THOU ALRIGHT?!" She bellowed again. You stood speechless as..the seemingly threatening sound had a tone of concern in it.

"I-I," you stammered, still shivering.

The mare's seemingly raged-filled expression gave way to one of concern. "THIS IS WHY BIG COLTS NEVER LEAVE WITHOUT THEIR COATS!" She held up your coat with her telekinesis. You stood there flabbergasted: she bellowed at you and hunted you down just because she didn't want you to forget your jacket?

"Well, you hunted me down and screamed at me like I committed murder?!" You replied in a somewhat annoyed tone. Luna held a hoof to her mouth, looking embarrassed.

"I apologize!" She said in a quieter and more sheepish tone, "I am still struggling with the Royal Canterlot Voice, and when I saw you without your coat, my fear grew at you potentially freezing to death, and it...came out involuntarily." Your expression calmed down a bit as you felt the borderline motherly tone in her voice. Like the six troublemakers, you realized this mare was also a profoundly caring being, but one who could be very intense in her caring.

"It's OK," you said, taking your coat back from her. You smiled warmly and wistfully remembered all the times your mom told you to bundle up during the winter. As a kid, you found it annoying, but as an adult, you feel grateful to have a mom who cared, and this mare, like all the others, wanted what was best for you. It was another of how wonderful of a place this was.

"I understand you feel out of place, but do not be afraid," Princess Night Shift said soothingly. "You are among friends where no harm can come to you."

A massive explosion blew up from behind you and the pony princess. Once the dust cleared, you and Luna peered into the fire. The Princess of the Sun emerged from the fireball, seemingly calm and radiant, but the dancing flames that had replaced her mane showed an undercurrent of righteous fury.

"Which one of you?" She asked, her eyes glowing and her voice reverberating in a serene voice that radiated sheer power, "left the toilet seat up?"

Both the Princess of the Night and you stared in shock at the furious Princess of the Sun, unable to answer out of fear, but soon, another menace showed its face.

"Hey, Anon! Still scared of a bunch of itty bitty ponies!?" Rainbow Dash cackled from up above. The bombastic pegasus turned her gaze at the Princess of the Night. "Hey Princess, put on some pants. You'll get arrested if you keep mooning everypony!" The obnoxious mare cackled.

You and the Mare of the Night glared at the pegasus, then looked at each other with a knowing smirk as we simultaneously came up with the same idea. We returned to the falsely stoic Princess, whose fierce gaze had remained on you both, with smirks on our faces.

"Rainbow Dash did it!"

The blue mare looked taken aback. "Did what-"

"Fool, thou hast marred our more sacred site!" The Princess of the Day bellowed up at the weather pony.

"But-" Rainbow Dash protested, only to fly away screaming as the angry monarch flew after the mare with retribution in her glowing eyes. "Thou shalt pay the ultimate price!"

Luna and Anon snickered and put their hoof and hands together.

"Hoofbump!" We said simultaneously.

While Rainbow was a fast mare, she couldn't outfly or outmaneuver an alicorn princess with little over millennia of experience. Eventually, the Princess caught her and was prepared to give her the ultimate punishment.

"A 100-word essay on toilet seat etiquette?!" Rainbow protested as an ink well, a quill, and several notebooks were dropped before her. "But I didn't-."

"Silence," Princess Celestia uttered in an unsympathetic tone. "Your crass manners are legendary; thus, only you could do something so vile. Besides, it is my sister's word over yours."

"But-

"Even when Discord was a menace and a threat to Harmony, he always put the seat down. A true gentlestallion, "Princess Celestia paused as her tone went from judging to wistful, a faint blush appearing on her muzzle," who knew how to fluff my feathers."

Rainbow ignored Celestia's diatribe that descended into a tangent about her weird romantic history. She tried another protest but realized that it was a waste of time to overrule the ruler of Equestria. Still, with a sigh, she resigned herself to the fact that she couldn't convince the Princess of her innocence and tried to negotiate a softer punishment.

"Can't you just stick me in Tartarus for 100 years?"

"Would you like 200 words?" Rainbow picked the quill up in her mouth and began furiously, imagining herself as the Captain of the Wonderbolts so the pain and agony of homework would pass by quickly.