1. My best friend is here and she is warm.
1. My best friend is here and she is warm.
It was one of those nights where everything was making him sad. He compiled these things into lists like he was counting bits he’d made off a good hustle.
- Sandbar had gone stiff when their tails had brushed “accidentally”. Not in the fun way.
- All of Silverstream’s smiles seemed forced today.
- Ocellus and Yona seemed pissed off at him.
- He was kind of insufferable.
- He was tired from studying all the time, and if he was actually good at all this friendship stuff, wouldn’t he not need to study so much?
- He was kind of insufferable.
See, at least Smolder had good qualities. She was adorable sometimes. She was kind, but not in the Professor Fluttershy way. Smolder’s kindness was loud and fiery and it almost didn’t look like kindness sometimes but then you’d sit there, hours after she called you toothless insults while trying a bandage over a scrape on your left rear leg, and you’d think, “She wouldn’t do this for anyone else outside of the gang,” and you’d feel like the luckiest griffon in the world.
Usually Sandbar’s soft breaths lulled him to sleep with the same ease that zap apple cider tempted him into making stupid decisions. Usually Sandbar’s peaceful sighs and whinnies were like a balm to his stormy brain.
There actually was a storm tonight. He could hear the rain pittering on the grass in the courtyard like a song, and every eighth bar would be accompanied by thunder. Storms, too, always made him sleep. They’d remind him of sleeping out in the rain in Griffonstone. He’d developed this foolproof method of ignoring everything bad about his life: go to sleep and dream about something better. It was, for a while, the only way that he felt happy. He didn’t mind thinking about those days, especially now that he could compare them to where he was now.
But the real, actual storm wouldn’t calm the storms in his mind, either, and that’s how he knew he was properly screwed for the night.
Another list came to him, sudden as bad weather in the Everfree. This one was about all the reasons why tomorrow would suck:
- He was going to be tired.
- When he was tired he turned into a real jerk.
- He’d make Ocellus cry probably.
- Or she’d make him cry.
- It’d be a whole thing.
- Either way he’d ruin everyone’s day. Again.
- He had two tests and he wouldn’t be able to focus.
- He should never have called Gabby stupid and annoying four years ago. He could tell she still thought about it sometimes.
- He didn’t belong at this school.
- He was going to go nowhere after school was over.
- He was a disappointment.
- He was kind of insufferable.
Tears spilled from his eyes.
He was crying.
Stupid.
He wiped his eyes and he got out of bed, quietly.
His and Sandbar’s room looked so different at night. He suddenly didn’t know where anything was, even though he had better night vision than a pony and he knew the room like the back of his talon—even blind—it didn’t feel like it.
He walked halfway to the door before he felt the need to turn and stare at Sandbar.
Sandbar was curled up, one hoof under his pillow and another hugging his blanket close, like it was someone he was cuddling with. Sandbar looked peaceful. Very cute.
The sight of this didn’t make him feel better. He would’ve savored this any other night. There was something about ponies, you know? It felt good to see them happy. Made you want to join them. But here he was. Wide awake during a storm, and suffering for no good reason, and pathetic.
Cool it with that whole pity party, he thought to himself. You’re gonna be nothing but a pool of quicksand if you don’t catch yourself.
Yet there was a roaring in his chest. There was the need to break something. The need to never eat again. The need to eat everything possible. There was nothing but everything and nothing and he was nothing and he wanted everything and—
He screwed his eyes shut.
Stupid.
He opened them. He walked to the door and he quietly opened it, and he left the room.
He stared at the door to Silverstream and Ocellus’s room for a while. He was sitting by the window, listening to the rain hit the glass.
He had to speed past the room on his way to the end of the hall. He didn’t want to wake Ocellus again. Last time he was like this, he paced around incessantly until she burst out of her room with tears in her eyes, woken up by her empathic senses catching the maelstrom of his discontent and she was ready to hug him and by Grover he was such a burden that night, and she was tired the next day, too, which was another thing that just made him feel worse in the end.
He wanted Silverstream. He wanted to hear her talk about some new fixation of hers, and this was selfish, but he wanted her to talk so much that she’d suddenly get a little wide-eyed and look at him and smile sheepishly, and say, “Oopsie, sorry, Gally! I’ve been talking for like seven minutes straight and I didn’t even stop to let you say anything!”
She talked a lot. He liked when she talked to him for so long that she had enough time to notice that she was talking a lot. She talked a whole lot more than she talked to anyone else when she felt safe and comfortable.
And he didn’t deserve her company, ever.
He blinked. He didn’t deserve Sandbar, either.
His chest throbbed painfully.
He and his friends had saved the world like, twice now. Surely he was better than sitting up and worrying about love.
Ah, but he was alone, and that was the heart of it, wasn’t it? He had so many friends and they were the best friends ever, but he was alone.
Thunder boomed. The window trembled.
He was crying again. He stared at the floor and let the tears fall. He’d run out soon. He never seemed to be able to cry for long.
He noticed the flapping of her wings too late. He looked up. There was no time to wipe his tears away. When had she opened her door?
Smolder landed in front of him. Lightning flickered from outside. The flash of light through the window revealed her frown.
She kneeled by him. She kept her hands to herself for now, which he appreciated.
Her voice was soft and smokey. "...Gallus?”
He swallowed. He didn’t know what to say to her.
Smolder sighed. “You idiot. Why are you alone?”
He shrugged.
She yawned—not by choice.
“Go back to sleep,” he said, but the moment he heard his own voice, he knew. She was going nowhere.
Smolder tucked herself by his side, and round his hips he felt the warmth of her tail wrapping around him, and then she put her head on his shoulder.
They spent a few moments like that, and then she laughed, mostly to herself, and said, “Put your wing around me, dummy. Did Cuddling 101 with Pinkie and Fluttershy not teach you a single thing?”
He put a wing around her.
“You wanna know the worst thing I have to say about you?” she asked.
“Sure,” he said.
“You suck at remembering that storms will pass.”
Smolder grabbed one of his talons and squeezed.
Gallus made another list in his mind: reasons why he was going to be fine. The first item was a no-brainer.
Author's Note
i wanted to make gallus sad but then cheer him up so here's that
uhhhh happy holidays?????? i feel like this is a thing for me now—make gallus cry every time winter rolls around
