Eat Your Heart Out Santa Hooves

by Brony-wan-kenobi

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1805

This Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight snaps due to a comment from Spike.

Twilight is a little stressed this holiday season. All due to a certain book, she is receiving complaints and threats to destroy Ponyville along with knowing who made this book. Not to mention the way. She is also preparing for a festival in Ponyville.

So why Spike, why are you demanding that she read that book? And why are you throwing more fuel onto the fire?

Written for Somber for Jinglemas 2023

Published 2023-12-29 13:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-29 13:30:00 UTC

Because Twilight Clause is Coming to Equestria

“Ok Spike, we’re heading out,” called out Twilight Sparkle, a hoof raised to her muzzle as she stood at the front of her castle. Amongst her were the alicorn’s friends, each one carrying with them various items to prepare for the Ponyville Hearth’s Warming Eve celebration that would be taking place this year in the town square. Applejack’s saddles had been replaced with two large bushels of apples that her family had saved during these cold winter months to be used to make various treats for this event. Rainbow, for her part, carried a pair of bushels as well after being promised that she would get the first mug of hot Sweet Apple Acres cider. Fluttershy’s bags were full of feed as she was setting up a small petting zoo composed of animals that were hibernating. As for Rarity, she had brought with her a collection of materials so that she could make various crafts with everypony. Then there was Pinkie Pie, looking like a pack mule who was carrying enough supplies for a hundred ponies. Her four saddle bags were bursting at the seams with various items meant for games that everypony could enjoy while more items were piled on her back. Some of these items included skating gear, a bird cage, a kitchen sink, and a record player which (oddly enough) was playing right now! Honestly, it was a wonder she was standing.

As for Twilight, the alicorn mare had her own supplies to help with her activity for tomorrow's festivities: reading to the foals. In one bag, Twilight had several dozen blankets that she had enchanted to stay dry while on the snow and would help keep a pony warm without melting the snow. In her other saddle bag was a collection of classical novels about the holidays.

The mane six waited for a moment or two until they all heard the familiar sounds of Spike’s clawed feet racing down the corridors of Twilight’s crystal castle. The small, now-winged dragon was wearing a red coat with white trimming as well as a stocking hat. The sight of which brought a small frown to Twilight’s face. As was the book he was carrying.

“Sorry Twilight, but you forgot to pack this one,” he said, holding up a much thinner book than any of the others Twilight had. On the cover was the character that had been the bane of Twilight’s existence ever since Spike had bought the book from Flim and Flamm. It was of a chubby reindeer, dressed in a similar manner as Spike while also sporting a long white beard. On his antlers were several large icicles that glowed in reds, blues, greens, and yellows as he seemed ready to slide down a chimney that was clearly too narrow for anypony to enter.

For a moment, Twilight was ready to snap at the dragon but managed to stop herself in time. Instead, she did the breathing exercise that Cadence had taught her before speaking. “Spike, I didn’t forget that book. I’m reading classical Hearth’s Warming Eve tales.”

“But this is a new classic!” Spike shot back as he continued to hold out the book.

“No, that’s what Flim and Flamm are calling it to try and make a quick bit during the holiday season,” Twilight said firmly, once more regretting giving Spike the bit to buy said book. “It has nothing to do with Hearth’s Warming nor the message that the holidays mean. Just another character they can try and latch onto so you’ll buy more merchandise from them.”

“It’s true,” said Applejack with a nod. “They’re already trying ta get ya’ll to buy lawn decorations of that there Santa Hooves.”

“But he’s so cool,” insisted Spike. “He can use his magic to fly around all of Equestria in one night, delivering toys and gifts to everypony!”

“Hey! I could do that without the fancy magic, thank you very much,” stated an indignant Rainbow Dash.

“Sure ya could sugarcube,” said Applejack in a soothing tone.

Twilight, however, just rolled her eyes at that. “Spike, that’s impossible,” she said, her tone saying she was done with the subject. “Magic that bends time and space like that is difficult to master. Let alone maintain for more than a few minutes at best. It’s simply impossible to send a gift to everypony in Equestria in a single night, no matter what magic you’re using. Furthermore, the point is mute seeing as the reindeer of the Everfree Forest use potions like the zebra and not magic. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be reading that book and inadvertently help the sales of those two con artists.”

As Twilight turned, ready to continue her rant with a few other reasons why. Like how ever since that book came out, ponies had been flocking deeper into the Everfree Woods and heading for the kingdom of Thicket to look for Santa Hooves. That she had received numerous complaints from King Aspen, asking if he was in charge of Santa’s helpers and where they could find Santa’s workshop. And how she had been trying her best to calm the king down after he had threatened to send more vines into Ponyville in order to destroy the brother’s business…along with the rest of the town that was annoying his subjects! However, Spike’s words caused the mare to stop dead in her tracks.

“You’re only jealous because you can’t do that,” he said, lowering the book he held in his claws to his chest as he said this. At that, Twilight’s eyes opened wide while the record on Pinkie’s back came to a screeching halt. Slowly, the other mares looked at Spike while Twilight just stared at the door.

“Oh Spike,” moaned Rainbow as she brought a hoof to her forehead. “No. Just…no.”

A half second later, Twilight’s head turned around in an owllike fashion scaring the crap out of everypony there. Especially since they all heard the loud crack that accompanied it. Her body soon followed in the most unnatural of manners before she walked back over to Spike with pure crazy in her eyes.

“What did you say?” she asked.

“I, ah, said you were jealous,” managed Spike, not realizing that he was just digging his own grave. “But, I mean, it’s ok to admit you can’t do something. Just because you went to one of the best magical schools in the nation, were Princess Celestia’s personal pupil, wielder of the Element of Magic, and all that doesn’t mean you don’t have limitations. Even though you are giving up before even trying.”

Years later, Twilight could only guess what fueled the following to occur. The most likely reason was the stress of everything she was doing finally caught up with her, causing the mare to snap. Others would say that her pride just took a blow as she was proud of her magical arts and that having someone who was like a little brother question her fueled her competitive spirit. Or maybe it was just that she was sick of that book and that Spike’s words were the final nail in its coffin.

“Oh, it is on,” stated Twilight, dropping her saddle bag as she marched into her study.

As she did, Applejack walked over to the dropped items before picking them up and holding them out to Spike. “Great job there sugarcube.”

On the morning of Hearth’s Warming Eve, Twilight’s friends were in the map room looking shocked at what they beheld. The room was full of gifts, each on stacked onto of each other and wrapped in brightly colored paper. There were so many crammed together that they only way they could move about the place was through the narrow pathway that Twilight had left them. Little did they know that these gifts composed ninety percent of the castle now.

Then there was Twilight. With crazy eyes and a mug of coffee in her hoof, she fluttered around the Map. On occasion, one eye would suddenly twitch before multicolored sparks of magic would erupt from her horn.

“Girls, you’re here!” she exclaimed once she saw her friends. “I did it! It took me working all night and several dozen pots of coffee, but I did it! I can now deliver gifts to everypony in Equestria. No, actually because I can do better than that! I can send gifts to everycreature in the world that we know about!”

“Ah, that’s nice,” began Fluttershy softly as she looked at her friend who seemed close to going full on evil. “But maybe before you do anything rash, how about you take a nice long-”

“See, in the beginning, I was right,” said Twilight. “Trying to hold on to a spell that would manipulate the time and space around you for more than a minute is simply too draining. I would pass out before I even reached Canterlot. I tried for hours trying to figure out how to extend this, teleporting to the kitchen to get more coffee until I realized the solution was staring at me right in the face: TELEPORTATION! I don’t need to travel across Equestria to give out the gifts, I could simply teleport them! Yes, yes! But that still left the problem of magical power. I just don’t have enough to do that on such a grand scale. Not to mention that I would have to know where everypony is in order to send them their gifts. But then, THEN, I realized I had all the answers right before me! The Map! It’s connected in some way to everycreature. It has to be in order to alert us of a friendship problem! So, if I channel my magic through the map, I can ride along its magical pathways while only using the same amount of magic as I normally do. But then, THEN, I realized I needed presents. Oh, I got them all presents! HAHAHAHAHA!”

With that, the rest of the mane six watched in horror as Twilight’s horn began to glow as did all the gifts in the castle. A moment later, all of the items became nothing more than beams of purple light that shot right into the map until they were all gone. And, once the magic ended, Twilight fell to the ground fast asleep.

As their alicorn friend began to snore loudly, each member of the mane six received a gift as it teleported right in front of them.

“Guess it works,” said Pinkie as she held up her gift. “I wonder what she got me?” As one, all the mares tore off the wrappings on their gifts to reveal the obvious: they were books. Twilight Sparkle had gifted everycreature in the world with the gift of classic Hearth’s Warming Eve tales.