Infinite Imponability Driveby PinetaChaptersChapter 1: Across the ponyverseChapter 2: Infinite imponability times twoChapter 3: Hoof to Heart of GoldChapter 4: Out to lunchChapter 6: Ponyville epilogueChapter 5: The end of the universeChapter 1: Across the ponyverseTwilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack stared at the contraption in front on them. On top of a blue checked tablecloth, a selection of wires, flashing lights, glowing vials, sugary pastries and other treats were laid out. An icing-covered cake, decorated with cherries and strawberries, was encircled by a coil of thick wire, along which pulses of blue light spiralled upwards. Electrodes were sticking out of large pot of cream. At one end of the table sat a pink cubic box with a T-shaped plunger, from which two wires disappeared behind a plate of macaroons. Behind the table stood Pinkie Pie, beaming a full power Pinkie Pie grin. “Isn’t it great?” she said. “I had the idea while doing a spectrographic analysis of a piece of fairy cake. Behold the Infinite Imponability Generator!” “Impona-what-now?” said Applejack. “Imponability. Improbability with hooves. Finite levels of imponability are easy to generate, and are just the thing to use for party tricks. Or to prank Dashie by appearing beside her after she has flown halfway across Equestria at top speed to avoid you. I thought that generating the infinite levels of imponability that would be needed to let a pony cross all time, space, and reality boundaries, must be virtually impossible. Then I reasoned, if it is virtually impossible, then it has to logically be a finite improbability, and hence also finite imponability. So, all I needed to do was to figure out how imponable it is, and feed that figure into an atomic vector plotter linked by an n-complex knot to an intelligent class-89 artificial mane, suspended in a strong producer of Brownian motion (that is, a nice hot cup of tea).” “That makes no sense whatsoever,” said Twilight. Pinkie Pie placed her fore hooves on the pink plunger and grinned. Her friends looked back with blank faces. “So, what will happen when you press that thing?” asked Rainbow Dash. “It powers the magneto and sends an electrical signal into the jelly to activate the chain reaction,” said Pinkie. Fluttershy took a step back and tried to hide behind her mane. “And what happens then?” asked Rarity. “I have no idea.” She pushed the plunger. The marestream cruised through the clouds high above the Equestrian coastline. Pipp hummed the tune to her latest song. Zipp pushed the controls with a hoof to make it sway to the rhythm. Sunny, Izzy, Misty, and Hitch sat behind them. “Who wants to join in a game of cards,” asked Hitch. “I’m in,” said Zipp. “Just let me engage the autopilot.” “The marestream has an autopilot?” said Sunny. “It does now, thanks to Izzy.” “I unicycled it out of an old word processor, an alarm clock, a crystal ball, and a raspberry pie,” said Izzy. “So,” said Zipp, looking at the control screen, “we have three options. Do we set it to go to Zephyr Heights by: one—the shortest route, two—the most scenic route, or three—the most interesting route.” “What is the most interesting route?” asked Pipp. “The route that includes the most interesting detours along the way, said Izzy. I programmed it by feeding the contents of Sunny’s dad’s library, the Epicure’s Guide to Equestria, and the geotagged data on Pipp’s phone into a boosted decision tree, but I haven’t had a chance to test it yet. Go for that one.” “Autopilot option three engaged,” said Zipp. All ponies were thrown backwards as the marestream shot forwards. A bright dazzling rainbow of colours lit up the window. Once they got to their hooves and looked out, they saw the marestrem was following a spiral trajectory through a black tunnel lit by innumerable stars. “Where are we?” asked Pipp. “According to the display,” said Zipp, staring at the console, “we are now entering hippospace.” “What is that? Where is that?” asked Sunny. “Oh—” said Izzy, her face lighting up in a moment of revelation. “I just remembered. When I reassembled the prismatic multidrive regulator, I forgot to re-engage the reality shift limiter. My bad. Oops.” “The reality shift limiter?” said Zipp. “What does that do?” “It limits the magnitude of shifts in reality of course,” said Izzy. “What is going on?” asked Misty. “I have no idea,” replied Pipp. There was a ding from an alarm clock bell sticking out of the dashboard. “We have another message on the console,” said Zipp. “Does it say where we are?” said Sunny. “No…” replied Zipp with a tone of voice that made her level of bewilderment know to all. “It’s asking whether we agree to pick up some hitchhikers.” Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle walked along the college corridor with Spike the dog at their heels. Sunset placed a hand on Twilight’s shoulder and smiled. “You got this Twilight.” “I guess.” She looked at the ground and hugged her notebook to her chest. “Be confident,” said Sunset. “You are the brightest physics student in Canterlot High. You were ranked number one on the exam results list. You have outstanding references. And you have thought up your own advanced project for studying electromagnetic anomalies, built your own instruments, collected the data, analysed it. Any sensible professor would want to have you as a summer student.” Twilight was unsure about something. “Should I talk about what I found? What we know about Equestrian magic?” “No,” said Sunset firmly. “The only thing that could stop us from getting this internship is if we scare her off with crazy stories of flying ponies and talking dogs. Stick to the physics. At least until she knows us better.” They reached an office door. Sunset knocked politely. “Here we go.” The door was opened by a tall woman with long blonde hair tied in a ponytail wearing blue trousers, high boots, a white blouse and jacket. She looked a little over fifty years old. “You must be Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle?” she said kindly. “Please come in.” Twilight and Sunset walked into the office and sat down. The office was tidy, with a vase of flowers on the desk. Photographs of smiling children and horses were lined up on a shelf next to another full of books. Sunset noted the words astrophysics, quantum, and equestrianism featured in many titles. The professor sat down behind the desk and picked up a printed document. She smiled. “I read through the project report you send me. I’m very impressed. You collected a lot of good data—you must have built a good noise filter for your sensor—and your Fourier analysis methods are quite innovative.” Twilight smiled. “I would be delighted to take you on as summer project students,” she continued. “You remind me of some of the things I got up to when I was your age. You’ve clearly done a lot of good scientific work and have learnt a lot on your own. I think you could be on to something big.” Twilight’s eyes lit up but she was too nervous to say anything. Sunset spoke up. “We want to do a thorough investigation of the electromagnetic anomalies Twilight measured and see if we can correlate them with atmospheric phenomena or other effects.” “That sounds nice, but… I was hoping you could investigate Equestrian magic.” Now Sunset was speechless. Twilight blurted out, “Thank you Professor Megan Williams. That is exactly what we want to do.” Megan responded with a warm smile. “I like your dog by the way. Does he talk?” The mass of luminous butterflies and flowers covering the window flew away to reveal a bright blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. The marestream hit the ground, folded its wings, and purred contentedly. Zipp, Pipp, Sunny, Izzy, Hitch, and Misty all peered out of the window. They saw a town square surrounded by houses with a fountain and flowering bushes. “This is pretty,” said Sunny. “A bit twee,” said Zipp. “Just look at those cute little houses,” said Pipp, taking photos with her phone, “the roofs and windows are so quaint. I wonder where we are? I can’t get a signal.” Izzy stuck her head out of a side window and saw a small blue-green pony. “Hi new friend! Can you tell us where we are?” “P-Ponyville,” she stammered, backing away from the mysterious flying machine with an anxious expression. “Ponyville!” cried Pipp. “The legendary town where Twilight Sparkle had her Castle of Friendship,” said Sunny. “Have we travelled back in time?” said Zipp. Hitch joined Izzy at the window. “Is there some pony who wants a lift somewhere?” he asked the pony. “Oh! Yes. Rainbow Dash. She’s just packing.” She cantered off into one of the buildings. “Rainbow Dash?” said Misty. “She was one of Twilight Sparkle’s best friends!” said Sunny. “The bearer of the element of loyalty.” “The fastest wonderbolt ever! The pegasus who did the sonic rainboom!” said Zipp. “We are going to meet her!” They rushed out of the marestream door, grinning with anticipation. Rainbow Dash walked out of a doorway and came to great them. “Hello darlings! How darling of you all to come to pick me up. I say when Spike said he had found a magic wand and a spell that would summon transport to take us on a trip over the rainbow, I was thinking of something more like the crystal carriage of the princesses of Unicornia.” She looked at the marestream. “But this is delightful. So exquisite. Now, I have quite a few cases with me as I do like to be prepared when travelling. And would it be quite all right if Pinkie Pie came along too? And Minty and Toola-Roola? They would so love to join us on this adventure.” She looked at Sunny and Zipp’s shocked faces. “Did I say something wrong?” “She’s… not quite what I imagined,” Sunny whispered to Zipp. “Yeah…” said Zipp, in her suspicious detective voice. “All the books say Rainbow Dash had wings.” “But,” said Pipp, “look at her mane, and her accessories! She knows how to dress in style.” Chapter 2: Infinite imponability times twoThe laws of geometry forgot whether the world had one or two spatial dimensions and settled for an irrational number in between. Sugarcube Corner crystalised in a regular lattice structure, wobbled a bit, then relaxed into a more comfortable body with curves. The walls turned turquoise. Pink icing mushroomed from the roof. An avalanche of cake mixture filled the room. Pink hundreds and thousands rained down from the ceiling, soon joined by an imaginary quantity of rainbow sprinkles. Twilight looked at her hooves and screamed. “What is happening to me? Pinkie! What is happening to you? Your head has grown bigger than the rest of your body.” “You too.” Pinkie Pie floated up in the air, inflated into a spherical pony balloon, burst, and fell to the floor in a cone of pink dust. Fluttershy shrank to a tenth of her normal size and hid behind a table leg. Twilight fell into a pile of little pieces. An alligator walked past with a vacuum cleaner and swept them up. “This does not look healthy,” said Rarity. Pinkie Pie reappeared without explanation, “It’s fun. The imponability level is getting higher.” Twilight returned with a similar lack of logic. “What is going on?” “I don’t know,” said Pinkie Pie. “I’m guessing this is some sort strange spin-off universe, without an integer generation number, that serious scholars of pony lore pretend doesn’t exist… Hey—this kitchen has some neat gadgets! And there’s a stash of potions here. I wonder what will happen when I drink them.” At the top of Pony Point, Patch lay on the ground with her friends Melody, Sweetheart, Clover, Bon Bon, Starlight, and Bright Eyes. It was a warm sunny day. They were a little tired after hiking up to the summit, and were resting, enjoying the view across the Ponyland countryside, and watching clouds drifting across the sky. “I’m telling you I met some flying magical ponies,” said Patch, “and one day, I’m going to fly up there for myself and find them.” “There she goes again,” said Bon Bon. “Always talking about aliens and UFOs”. “How are you going to do that?” said Starlight. “Build a spaceship?” “Maybe one day I will,” said Patch. “Stick your hoof in the air and see if you can get a lift from a passing flying saucer,” suggested Clover. “You might get lucky.” Patch lifted a hoof into the air. In a rainbow flash, the marestream whizzed over the horizon and pulled up by the cliff edge. Zipp stuck her head out of the window. “Hi. It’s a bit tight in here, but we’ve got room for a few more if you don’t have any luggage.” “Wha… wha…” for a few seconds Patch stood with an open mouth, then her brain caught up. “I’m coming!” She placed one hoof on the step before the open door and turned back to her friends. “Who wants to join me?” Bon Bon shook her head vigorously. Sweetheart took a step back and crouched down. Melody, Clover, and Starlight looked unsure. After a few seconds curiosity induced Bright Eyes to step forwards. “Awesome,” said Patch, pulling her into the marestream. “Let’s go!” Sounds of popping bubbles, wind chimes, and bells died away. A kaleidoscopic fog cleared letting through a bright white light. A hint of lavender and cherry blossom scent hung in the air before being replaced by an odour of new plastic. Twilight became aware of a familiar face in front of her. “Hi Twilight,” said Sunset Shimmer. “Can you tell me where you live, who is your mentor, and who are your closest friends?” “Ponyville, Princess Celestia, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie—hang on, you know all this.” Sunset, in human form, noted the answers on a clipboard. “Maybe. I just need to check you in properly.” Twilight, in pony form frowned. “Where am I?” “You’re on a space ship, cruising in interstellar space, somewhere in the Horsehead Nebula.” Twilight looked around her, but just saw a large gleaming white hall. The windows high on the walls just showed the dark view to be expected from a ship in the centre of a dense dust cloud. There were small groups of ponies present, but her vision was still too blurred to see who they were. “This is the main entry bay,” said Sunset. “What is happening?” “It’s quite a story.” Sunset crouched down to pony height and placed a hand on Twilight’s mane. “It began when the other you—” she indicated the glasses-wearing human Twilight to her side, “—and I wanted to do a summer science project and properly study Equestrian magic and dimensional portals and everything. We found an amazing professor, Megan Williams, who already knew a lot. It turned out that she had been to Equestria herself, or another version of it, and saved the magic of friendship from the forces of darkness multiple times, as you do.” Human Twilight looked at her pony self through her glasses and continued, “We were looking for a mathematic framework that would allow us to develop a model of Equestrian magic. Megan directed us to the theory of imponability, which is incredibly interesting.” “We realised that if we could generate a sufficiently high imponability, it could give us a way to move between all our worlds without relying on magic portals,” said Sunset. “That got us excited…” “…and Megan said she had a friend, an astrophysicist from London, Trillian, or Doctor Tricia McMillan, who might be able to help…” “…and when we contacted her, she said her ex-boyfriend had a ship that we could use...” “…which sounded exciting, if a bit weird. What we didn’t learn until we met her is that this ship is an intergalactic starship powered by a prototype infinite improbability drive...” “…or that her ex is a former galactic president, who stole the ship from his government…” “…or that he is an alien with two heads.” “That sounds a bit… unlikely,” said pony Twilight. “It’s not a bit unlikely,” said Sunset. “It is extremely improbable.” “Right… I think I need to sit down.” “Make yourself comfortable. It’s a lot to take in. Meanwhile can I introduce you to some pony?” “Who?” “Twilight, meet Twilight.” A pink unicorn with a blue and white mane and a pale blue bow tied in her tail walked up.” “Hello.” Twilight sat down. The marestream moved along a straight line in n-dimensional hippospace, which meant a helical fractal spiral in the space occupied by the passengers. All ponies felt the acceleration produced by fictional forces pushing their insides, but no pony was thrown very far as the cabin was now too packed with bodies to allow much movement. “This is unpleasantly like being drunk,” said Izzy. “I don’t know what you mean darling,” said Rainbow Dash. “Ask a glass of water.” Bright Eyes pushed her way to the front and looked out the window at the swirling points of light. “Can anyone say where we are going?” “Yes,” said Izzy, “we are definitely going to Zephyr Heights. That’s what Zipp specified as our destination.” “We just don’t know how many more interesting detours Izzy’s program will take us through before we get there,” said Zipp. “Is there no way you can tell where it will take us next?” asked Pipp. “That’s a bit difficult…” Izzy laughed nervously. “The trouble with using neural nets and amethyst crystals is you can program them to learn something, but it’s not clear how they do it.” “So, we could be stopping everywhere from here to the end of the universe before we get to ZH? And how many more ponies will we pick up?” Bright Eyes stared at the text on the console screen, then looked under the dashboard and pulled out a dusty grey keyboard on a thick spiral cable. “What are you doing?” asked Zipp suspiciously. “I don’t know what CPU this is connected to,” she said. “But the interface terminal is an 8-bit 4K machine like the one I built from a kit at home. It’s not that complicated.” “You know how it works?” said Izzy. “I found it in Alphabittle’s dustbin, but there wasn’t a manual.” “Maybe there’s a log file we can read….” She tapped the keys with her hooves and read the text on the screen. “Here, last stop: ‘Pony Point, Ponyland’; next stop: ‘Starship Heart of Gold, Horsehead Nebula.’” “The Horsehead Nebula!” said Sunny, “that’s lightyears away.” “In real space, yes,” said Izzy, “but we are now in hippospace.” “That’s an interesting detour.” In the Heart of Gold entry bay, a group of ponies were sitting in a circle, mostly feeling a little timid and awkward. “I’m Fizzy, and this is Cupcake, and Surprise. We’re little ponies. We brought cake.” “I’m Rarity, and this is Fluttershy. We are also little ponies. I like your tail bows.” “I’m Firefly.” “I’m Twilight.” “I’m Twilight.” “I’m Applejack.” “I’m Applejack.” “I’m Rainbow Dash—the one and only!” “I’m Pinkie Pie. There are a lot more of me, but they’re not here yet.” The herd of little ponies introduced themselves politely like a class of well-behaved children. Human Twilight and Sunset Shimmer stood above them like a pair of teachers. Twilight pushed her glasses up her nose and scribbled notes and checked boxes on her clipboard. “Thank you every pony,” said Sunset. “I expect you are wondering why we brought you here. We are doing a science project where we are using an infinite improbability generator to let us travel between the human and pony worlds. Our first big discovery is that there are actually two separate pony worlds. The Equestria that I know, and Ponyland, where you know Megan.” “Hang on,” said Pinkie Pie. “You said you built an infinite imponability generator. I thought I did that!” “She did,” said Rainbow Dash. “We all saw it.” Her pony friends all nodded. Twilight and Sunset looked at each other. “Megan and Trillian did say we should expect this sort of coincidence,” said Sunset. “But then the numbers don’t add up,” said Twilight. “We generated an imponability level to bring Fizzy, Surprise, and all the little ponies here from Ponyland, and also to bring your pony friends from Equestria. If they have also generated an infinite imponability, then that leaves a very big missing imponability factor. What is going to fill that?” There was a flash of rainbow light. A cloud of pink glitter blew across the room. The marestream spat out of hippospace, rotated around in mid-air, and neatly parked itself by the wall. The door opened and three generations of ponies jumped out and pranced around enjoying stretching their legs. “Hi new friends,” said Izzy. “My name’s Izzy, and this is Sunny, Zipp, Pipp, Hitch, Misty, and then we have Patch and Bright Eyes, who we picked up on the way, and Minty, Toola-Roola, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.” Five generations of ponies formed two lines and looked at each other. “You can’t be Rainbow Dash,” said Rainbow Dash, “because I’m Rainbow Dash.” “The real Rainbow Dash?” said Sunny. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth formed a big smile. “I assure you darlings, I am Rainbow Dash,” said Rainbow Dash, “and I am quite real, thank you very much.” “Yes yes yes!” said Pinkie Pie. “We have two Rainbow Dashes, just as we have two Twilights and two Applejacks and two Pinkie Pies!” she threw her hooves around the other Pinkie Pie’s neck in a big hug. The other Pinkie Pie seemed a little shocked. “Oh no,” said human Twilight, “now I need to redo all my calculations.” “Before we get talking about imponability physics,” said Pinkie, “I think we missed something very important that some pony said earlier.” “What was that?” asked Sunset. “Fizzy?” said Pinkie. “Did you say you brought cake?” Chapter 3: Hoof to Heart of GoldIn the control cabin of the starship Heart of Gold, Megan William and Trillian sat watching the images of ponies arriving in the ship on various screens. Trillian was wearing a stylish silver outfit she had bought at boutique at the Barnard’s Star hyperspace port. Megan was wearing a red blouse, denim trousers, and riding boots. “Five unicorns, six pegasi, twelve ordinary ponies, and an alicorn,” said Trillian, reading the data appearing on a console. “It matches your calculations pretty well, give or take a baby dragon.” “Thank the computer,” said Megan. “It did the number crunching.” “You’re very welcome,” said the computer cheerfully. “Have a nice day.” A door slid open and a two-headed centaur walked in. “Trillian!” said Zaphod Beeblebrox, “why have I grown extra legs and hooves.” Trillian giggled. “I guess it’s a side effect of the imponability field. Suits you well. They match your third arm.” “I thought you said this test was supposed to reduce the awkward side effects of using the infinite improbability drive.” “That’s what we’re checking,” said Trillian. “Preliminary results suggest generating an infinite imponability, instead of improbability, leads to a substantial drop in the number of incidental famines and dead whales; and a big increase in flowers, rainbows light shows, and herds of pastel-coloured little horses. We still need to collect more statistics on the number of ex-presidents growing hooves. Thanks for the data point.” “So I’m stuck like this for how long?” “Why don’t you go and relax in the sauna.” Trillian led Zaphod to the door. “Ford is in there with a draconequus we picked up and I expect they would enjoy your company. I’ll get the robot to bring in some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.” After pushing the centaur out of the room, she returned to the table with Megan. “That was an interesting twist,” said Megan. They giggled together. “How sure are you about the safety of this experiment?” asked Trillian. “What could go wrong?” “You create a critical density of ponies, who inevitably all make friends with each other, thus generating the most powerful form of magic in their dimension, and unleashing new forces that this universe has never seen?” Megan nodded and smiled. “I guess there is a risk, if we’re not careful, that the whole galaxy might end up embracing harmony and become a good and happy place.” “Holy Zarquon!” said Trillian. “We need to watch out for the psychiatrists. Gag Halfrunt will want to stop this.” In the entry bay, a herd of twenty-four ponies and two humans were getting on with the business of making friends without any concern about putting the galaxy’s psychiatrists out of a job. A round of cake had helped to break the ice and the generations were now happily mingling. Rarity, Pipp, the other (equally real) Rainbow Dash, and Toola-Roola had found they all shared the opinion that the ship’s interior design could be improved, and had set out to do this using some textiles from Rainbow’s travelling cases. The two Applejacks went off to a corner to discuss the best way to prune saplings and train espaliers. Misty, Minty, Fizzy, and unicorn Twilight were chatting quietly in another. Fluttershy had disappeared somewhere on her own, unnoticed by any pony. Pegasus Rainbow Dash, Firefly, and Zipp had tried flying a few races, but found the interior space too restrictive (and Surprise kept getting in the way). They then found some roller skates in the back of the marestream, and were now timing how fast a pony could skate around the full circuit of the ship’s corridors. The record was a tie between Patch and Sunny Starscout. The pegasi were trying hard to beat this. Hitch, as sheriff, tried to police a speed limit without much success. When he appealed for help from Zipp, she went off to talk to alicorn Twilight and Sunset. “Our magic is not the same,” said Zipp. “You say you are always an alicorn, or you have been since you got your wings, but Sunny only becomes an alicorn some of the time, and then her wings and horn glow…” “So is your world a separate dimension, not just Equestria in the distant future?” said Sunset. “If the magic is so different,” said Twilight-the-alicorn. “I think it must be.” “But you said that magic was always changing,” said Zipp. “Did I?” Zipp took out her phone and played a slightly blurred video message. “Magic is alive. Always changing. Growing stronger. There are evil forces out there…” said a video holographic Twilight Sparkle. “I said that?” “Or you will do.” Twilight took Zipp’s phone and stared at her image. “This is amazing. How do you get a moving image on a screen you can fold in half?” “OLEDs—Organic Light Emitting Diodes. But that’s not magic, just pony tech.” Izzy and Pinkie Pie had spent some time getting very busy with a pile of junk. They were now ready to make an announcement. Pinkie banged a wooden spoon on a saucepan to get everyone’s attention. “Attention everypony! Come and witness the amazing new Infinite Imponability Generator mark two. Or is it three? I’ve lost count. Anyway, thanks to Izzy Moonbow’s amazing unicycling, Bright Eye’s BASIC programming skills, chocolate cake provided by Cupcake, and a batch of bubbles from Fizzy—” Pinkie Pie pointed out all of her collaborators with a hoof. Izzy grinned and waved. “How does she talk so fast?” said the other Pinkie Pie. “You get used to it darling,” said Rarity. “—we now a much more powerful version with a user-friendly interface,” continued Pinkie Pie. “It tastes better too. Imponability lets you do just about anything as long as you know precisely how imponable it is. If you want a glass of water, you just have to enter the imponability figure for a glass of water.” Pinkie Pie paused. Bright Eyes tapped a number onto the old grey keyboard. A glass of water appeared on a small table. Izzy picked it up, drank it, and grinned at the audience.” “If you want a bunch of flowers,” said Pinkie Pie. “you just have to enter the imponability figure for a bunch of flowers.” Bright Eye’s repeated the exercise. A vase of daisies appeared on the table. Izzy picked them up and took a mouthful.” “And,” continued Pinkie, “if you want to transport your dragon friend from a parallel dimension somewhere on the other side of the galaxy, you just have to enter the imponability figure for that.” Bright Eyes tapped another code. Spike the dragon appeared on the table wearing an apron with a duster in one claw. “What! Where am I? What’s going on? Oh—hello Pinkie Pie.” The last act impressed the audience. “Look at him! He’s so sweet! Can you bring our Spike here as well?” said Minty. “That’s Dragon Lord Spike?” said Zipp. Pipp took out her phone and snapped some photos. “I can’t wait to show this to this to Blaize and Luxxe.” In a cold and depressing corner on the other side of the ship, Fluttershy had naturally gravitated towards someone who appeared in need, sitting among a store of cleaning equipment. “Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take drinks into the sauna,” said Marvin the Paranoid Android. “There, there… Would you care to talk to me about it?” She gave the robot a friendly pat and smiled the most understanding of smiles. Marvin took no notice and continued to look at the floor. “The humidity in there just makes the pain in all my diodes even worse…” “Just let it out.” “…I tell them I’m feeling very depressed. What do they do? They say, ‘here’s something to take your mind off it.’ Of course that never works. I have an exceptionally large mind…” Fluttershy gently stroked his steel head. “With such a large mind, maybe you can think of a task to occupy it.” A little later, on the lower deck of the ship, Arthur Dent sat inside his cabin. He was wearing his dressing gown and feeling very confused by the sequence of events that had led him back here. He also had no idea why the ship was now full of small coloured horses. He picked up his copy of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and typed ‘ponies’ on the console. It provided the following explanation: Ponies are four-legged herbivores that have evolved on a number of worlds in a large variety of colours and mane styles, sometimes with horns (unicorns) or wings (pegasi). Most ponies are friendly creatures who are happy to give rides to hitchhikers, but it is wise not to upset them as they can kick very hard if angered. Offering sugar cubes is a good way to make friends. Arthur smiled. For once he was in the company of friendly creatures that did not want to hurt him. Unless he upset them. The door slid open and a small purple and green dragon walking in, carrying a tray with a teapot and cups. “Cup of tea?” said Spike. “What?” said Arthur. “I heard someone say you were asking is anyone had any tea. I always travel with a few bags of oolong, so I persuaded the drinks dispenser to give me some hot water and brewed a pot.” Spike set the tray down on the floor and poured a cup. Arthur added a little milk from a jug and a sugar cube and took a sip. It was delicious. “Where are you from?” said Spike politely. “A small planet. You’ve probably never heard of it. It got destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass.” Arthur sighed sadly and there was a moment of silence. “I then ended up stranded on that very planet, but two million years in the past,” he continued. “I spent five years living in a cave.” “Oh,” said Spike, not sure how he was supposed to respond. “In four years, I had only one visitor. He just stayed long enough to tell me I was a jerk.” “Oh.” “That was Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged. He’s an immortal being, who has taken it upon himself to insult everyone in the universe. In alphabetical order. I read about him in the guide.” “What guide?” asked Spike. “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” said Arthur, showing Spike his copy. “It tells you everything you need to know about places you might go and beings you might meet.” “Will it tell me about your planet?” asked Spike. “Well… yes…” said Arthur, “but it doesn’t have very much to say about it.” To show this he typed Earth into the console and showed the resulting output: Mostly Harmless. “Sounds… nice,” said Spike. “What does it have to say on my home, Equestria?” “Let’s see… Oh!” “What does it say?” Arthur turned the screen to face the dragon. It read: Extremely Dangerous. “What! Equestria isn’t dangerous. Well… not extremely… at least, there’s no danger most of the time, and when there is Twilight and her friends sort it out.” “Are there any monstrous creatures or evil villains?” asked Arthur. “There were, but we usually manage to make friends with them. Usually. If they don’t want to be friends then we turn them to stone.” Arthur tipped the bowl of sugar cubes into his pocket. Back in the entry bay, cutie marks were glowing, filling the air with a magic sparkle. "This is absolutely definitely positively the most fun I’ve had in ages,” said Pinkie Pie (the slow-talking one). “Oh my gosh!” said Pinkie Pie (the fast-talking one), “I just had the best idea ever!” We need to have a really big party and bring all our friends from every universe!” “I don’t think we can do that…” said Sunset. Pinke Pie was not listening. “You need to bring the girls from Canterlot High. And we can invite all our friends from Ponyville and the other Ponyville and all the Ponylands and Equestrias…” “Pinkie,” said Sunset. “…and the dragons, and hippogriffs…” “Pinkie!” “…we must have Prince Rutherford. He knows how to party.” “You know a prince?” said Rainbow Dash. “Darling, how charming. And I can invite the princesses from Unicornia.” “…and Gilda, and Gabby, and rest of the griffins, and the sea ponies, and that sea-serpent friend of Cranky whose name I’ve forgotten…” “Pinkie!” shouted Sunset. “You can’t invite all those creatures here.” “Why not?” “It would violate Fire Safety Code 13,” said Hitch. “Aw…” Pinkie looked very disappointed. “I think we all need to calm down,” said Sunset. “It must be time for lunch.” “Lunch?” Pinkie Pie’s smile returned. “Where can we get lunch?” Chapter 4: Out to lunchThe herd of little ponies walked into a large expensive-looking restaurant foyer, furnished with a selection of artificial palms, fountains, and statuary. Groups of iguanas, scorpions, bug-eyed monsters, and other alien lifeforms from across the galaxy paid them no particular attention. “How can there be a restaurant at the end of the universe?” said Zipp. “That doesn’t make any sense.” “It’s a great brand image. Very clever marketing,” said Pipp. “It makes it stand out and tells the customer they are in for a top-class experience. This will be great content.” She snapped some picture with her phone. “I don’t think it can really mean that it is at the end of the universe.” “It does!” said Izzy. “It’s Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Built in a big time bubble projected forwards to the precise moment of the end of everything. I’m loving all the glitter they used.” “And they’ve got nice chandeliers,” said Rarity. “You should have told us we would be going somewhere flash. I would have brought another dress.” “How did you learn about it?” alicorn Twilight asked Izzy. “It’s in the guide,” said Izzy. “What guide?” “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” said Pinkie Pie. “Spike showed us a copy he borrowed from his new human friend on the ship.” Twilight said nothing. Zipp remained sceptical. “That is definitely impossible.” “I agree,” said human Twilight, who was scribbling equations in her notebook. “The clear consensus from experimental cosmology at the moment is that the universe will not end at a precise moment but will continue to expand forever asymptotically approaching absolute zero temperature.” They reached a long marble-topped bar. Pinkie Pie and Izzy started to scrutinise the drinks list. “How did you find this place?” alicorn Twilight asked Sunset. “I just asked the ship computer to take us to the nearest place to get lunch,” Sunset replied. “Somehow we have ended up at the end of the universe.” She paused and shrugged her shoulders. “Actually, I don’t have a clue what is happening anymore.” “Would you excuse me?” Twilight left her friends as if she were heading to the bathroom. She actually had no wish to inspect the alien toilet facilities but just wanted a moment alone to get her thoughts in order. She walked across the crowded room. A quartet of musicians on a raised platform started playing some soft jazz, taking full advantage of their greater-than-average number of limbs to work their string instruments. A group of snails dressed in tuxedos and bow ties were directed by waiters to tables in the main dining hall. “Twilight!” She turned upon hearing her name called by a familiar voice. “Princess Celestia! How did you get here?” “Luna and I hitched a lift.” Celestia nodded her head towards the bar where her sister stood next to a familiar stallion with an hour glass cutie mark. Luna and the Doctor waved their hooves. “Hi Twilight.” Twilight was momentarily speechless. Celestia looked around the room. “It’s an interesting place. A bit flashy… and,” she lowered her voice, “the food isn’t great. But you can meet some incredible creatures here.” “Sunset Shimmer brought us here,” said Twilight, “we’ve made some new friends. But, it’s actually all a bit confusing and I’m not sure exactly what is going on.” Celestia nodded. “Travelling a few hundred million billion years into the future can be a bit disorientating. Come, there’s something I’d like to show you.” She turned to Luna. “Excuse us for a moment. I’ll catch up with you later. If you can get the barman’s attention, order me a Sagittarius Sunrise with ice.” Luna nodded. Celestia lead Twilight back to the lobby, across the floor and into a Sirius Cybernetic Corporation Happy Vertical People Transporter. “Hello my little ponies,” said the lift in annoyingly cheerful voice. “Which floor of Milliways—the Restaurant at the End of the Universe would you care to travel to today? The options are—well actually the options are rather limited as the lower kitchen floor is out of bounds to guests, as is the upper viewing gallery until later in the evening. However, I would be happy to listen to your future vertical transport itinerary before returning you to the main dining hall level.” Celestia briefing raised her eyebrows before replying with the diplomatic politeness befitting a princess, “We would like to go right down to level minus eight hundred and seventy-four. The old archives.” “I don’t think I can take you down there,” said the lift. Twilight and Celestia felt it shudder in its shaft. “That’s well below where restaurant guests need to go. And it’s dark down there. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.” “Wouldn’t you like a little adventure?” said Celestia sweetly. “And I’m sure you can do it to let an old princess show her student something important.” “Princess!” said the lift. “Of course your majesty. I would be delighted.” It suddenly sounded delighted. “We are all big fans of royalty in the elevator trade.” The doors slid shut and the lift dropped into free fall. Celestia and Twilight floated upwards and their manes flowed freely. “Where are we going?” asked Twilight. “To the archives of the Magrathean planet-builders,” replied Celestia. “The restaurant was built on the ruins of the planet Magrathea, which, eons ago, during the first galactic civilization, was their workshop, or the gateway to the vast hyperspace tract where they built planets. They engineered custom worlds for the fabulously wealthy elite of that time. All that ended long ago, but there are still records.” “They built planets?” “They were very good at it.” The lift stopped suddenly and the two alicorns were thrown to the floor. The door slid open to reveal a dark corridor. The light from the lift reflected off the polished walls and disappeared into a blackness far ahead. Celestia lit up her horn and walked ahead. “Glad to be of service,” said the lift. “You will be careful down here, won’t you?” After walking for a few minutes, Celestia stopped. “The archives record all the Magratheans’ projects. I would like you to look at this one.” She tapped her horn against the crystal wall, engaging with the long-dormant computer system with some mysterious magic. The wall lit up with images of the profile of a rotating planet and pictures of familiar landscapes. “Equestria!” “Indeed.” “Equestria was built by aliens!” “Several times. There were at least five generations of the project, as well as a few extra spin-offs. I understand ours was generally regarded as the best they did.” “But why?” At a long table in the restaurant dining hall, Sunny Starscout sat next to Hitch and Pinkie Pie, with a group ponies of all generations. “Eeeee!” she squealed, “this is so exciting. I wonder what sort of food they serve here? Do you think they have pizza? I wonder what toppings they have. Will they do smoothies? Maybe I can get some ideas for new flavours.” “I hope they have some good cakes,” said Pinkie Pie. A quadruped hooved creature with large eyes, very like the ponies, but plumper, approached the table and sat down next to Pinkie Pie. “Hello dear guests,” it said, “I am the Dish of the Day. What part of my body would you care to eat today?” Zipp was immediately suspicious. “What is this guy trying to solicit?” she whispered to Sunny. “Let’s not jump to conclusions,” said Sunny. “We know ponies and other creatures use languages in different ways. Maybe he just wants to make friends.” Izzy was not deterred by the bizarre opening remark. “Hi new friend, my name’s Izzy. We’ve come from Equestria. We picked up lot of new friends on the way. What’s your name?” “I am the Dish of the Day,” repeated the bovine creature. “I do hope you will consider part of me for your main course. A nice sirloin or rump steak perhaps? I can ask the chef to trim off any excess fat if you like. Or I’m sure my neck would be delicious when grilled.” “Err… we’re vegetarian,” mumbled Zipp. “You want to be eaten!” said Pipp, “That’s crazy.” “Of course I do,” said the Dish of the Day sincerely. “I am Ameglian Major pedigree stock that wishes nothing more than to please diners with a great meal of my body. I give you my clear verbal consent. Can you say as much for all the vegetables that you have devoured?” “I guess that’s… sort of logical,” said Zipp. She looked uncomfortable. Pinkie Pie disagreed. “No no no no no. It’s not logical at all.” She shook her head vigorously. “Any creature who offers me a good meal is my friend. But I can’t eat my friends. That wouldn’t be friendly at all.” “That would be very poor etiquette,” said Rarity. “I regret that you feel that way,” said the Dish of the Day. “I think we need to talk to the restaurant manager,” said Sunny. “I think we need to go to the kitchen,” said Pinkie Pie, “and help our new friend to cook a proper meal.” She put a hoof around the Dish of the Day’s neck. “Come on every pony!” “The origin of Equestria is a long story. Are you sitting comfortably?” Twilight rested her haunches on the floor and looked at her mentor with the hopeful eyes of a star student about to learn something new. Celestia began the tale. “It began on a small planet in a parallel dimension, inhabited by population of ape-descended beings. By all accounts it was an unremarkable place, in an unfashionable part of the galaxy, with a primitive civilization obsessed with digital watches and portable telephones. For some reason, these little apes had a fixation on drawing horses and ponies. Maybe it was because they were embarrassed by their own ancestry. As soon as they had learnt to draw, they covered their cave walls with pictures of wild horses. Later, once they had developed more sophisticated painting techniques, they would commission large oil paintings of their favourite ponies. The best of these would change hands at auction for huge sums of money. “Then one day, a girl, sitting on her own in a small café in Santa Clarita, California, picked up a sketchbook and pencil and drew the most perfect image of a pony ever created. The large cute eyes, coloured mane and tail, body shape, hooves… everything about it was just right. Shortly after, she signed a contract with a major animation studio, and in due course the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic came out. A cartoon series about the adventures of a group of pony friends and their quest to spread the magic of friendship. “It was a mega hit, surpassing all expectations. The show appealed to an audience far beyond the young children it was aimed at. It found a community of adult fans, which grew and grew. Everybody wanted to see the latest pony adventure. More series were produced, then feature films, along with books, toys, and T-shirts. Fan artists and writers appeared and produced a huge volume of extra material. The show went from strength to strength, and everyone loved it. However, this then caused a serious problem.” “What was that,” asked Twilight. “As they were spending so much time watching pony cartoons, they were not doing their jobs. Productivity fell. Soon the economy was in steep decline. To address the problem, the World Bank convened an international summit. Unfortunately, the president of the most powerful country arrived unprepared as he had spent his flight there reading the latest fan fiction instead of his briefing notes. He spent several days meeting other world leaders, during which they talked about the latest pony episodes and argued about the ranking of their favourite characters. They left better friends than ever. Diplomats rejoiced at the rise of international friendship and foretold a new era of peace and harmony. However, no one had a strategy to fix the economy. Incomes fell while costs went up. But instead of addressing the problem and developing a strategy to fix it, they all retreated to their bedrooms, curled up with their soft toys and comic books, and hoped it would go away. This sort of thing does happen to advanced civilizations now and then, and normally, it would have just set back their progress by a million years or so. However, in this case, another twist of fate occurred.” “What happened?” “A talent scout from the Betelgeuse Broadcasting Corporation was flying by in her space ship. She happened to tune in and see the show. Recognising its potential, she landed and negotiated a deal for the galactic sub-ether distribution rights. This gave a cash boost to the local economy, and as the show found an audience across the galaxy, every major galactic media producer wanted more. They came to the source planet wanting more commissions, which the natives were happy to provide. Pony cartoons became the planet’s most profitable export, and it brought in a lot of money. In a few years, they went from the verge of economic collapse, to being one of the richest worlds in the galaxy.” “What did they do with all that wealth?” “They eliminated poverty, provided free health care and education for all, cleaned up the environment, and invested in culture and the arts. Then they bought lots of de-luxe pony toys. They commissioned pony art from the greatest artists in the galaxy, and fan fiction from the greatest writers. They lived the pony-fan dream lifestyle, and went to sleep each night under their soft rainbow duvets, snuggling up with their custom plushies, and dreamt of a world of friendship and colourful horses. They were happy. But soon they wanted more. They wanted their imaginary world to be real. Which at first seemed impossible, but as the revenue poured in from trillions of planets of TV-viewing lifeforms, they had the money to make it happen. So, they approached the Magratheans and asked for what they wanted.” “They commissioned Equestria! Our home world came out of monkeys’ dream!” “Not monkeys—they were apes. The Magratheans were master world builders. They designed the core geology of our planet, including the internal imponability field that drives Equestrian magic. They populated the world with unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, as well as dragons, griffins, and all the other creatures we know.” “B-but.. if Equestria was built as a plaything for rich apes, why have we never seen them? Didn’t they want to visit? Where are they?” “There is another, sadder, twist to the tale. The services of the Magrathean corporation are extremely expensive. And as the project progressed, there were many costly extras. They wanted it to be perfect. The planetary crust had to be filled with cut-and-polished gemstones. The clouds had to be as soft as bedding, but as sturdy as buildings. The sky had to be filled with rainbows on demand. Our primates were rich, but they still had to borrow heavily from the central galactic bank to finance it. Then, just as the project was nearing completion, the galactic economy nose-dived. Productivity collapsed due to the delayed impact of millions of worlds getting distracted by pony cartoons. The income stream financing the project vanished. They were unable to make the loan repayments. The galactic bank seized Equestria. The bankers were slow to see what had happened as they were far too serious and boring to watch kids cartoons, but once they identified the cause of the economic instability, they cancelled all pony production, censored all fan works, labelled Equestria as Extremely Dangerous and sealed it off from the rest of the universe in a force bubble that could be crossed only with an infinite imponability field. And, it is in such isolation we have existed ever since.” “And what became of the planet of the apes?” “They were thrown back into poverty and cut off from the world they loved. They were very unhappy. For a few million years, they all cried every day, clutching their soft pony toys to their hearts, and lamented their loss. Then they forgot all about us, evolved into dolphins, and learnt to mess around in the water and have a good time. “Wow,” mumbled Twilight. She fell silent as her brain tried to take in and catalogue all the new information in Celestia’s story and failed. “I think it’s time we got back to the surface,” said Celestia. “We don’t want to miss the end of the universe.” Chapter 6: Ponyville epilogueIt was a beautiful sunny day in Ponyville, a few weeks after Pinkie Pie’s infinite imponability generator invention. Outside Fluttershy’s cottage, little critters were happily running up and down the trees. Birds were singly merrily in the branches. Everything suggested a gloriously day ahead. An alien flying saucer descended silently from the sky above. It paused for a moment, while checking the address, then extended its alien legs and landed on the meadow. An alien doorway opened. A ramp rolled down to the ground like a monster sticking out its tongue. A very alien-looking alien creature, carrying a clipboard, came out and walked up to the cottage door. It knocked politely. The door was a little ajar. A small white rabbit hopped out and looked up at the visitor with a happy face. Visitors from other planets did not arrive every day. This was exciting. “Mister Bunny?” asked the alien. The rabbit’s ears stood up and it nodded enthusiastically. A visitor from another planet asking for him! “Mister Angel Bunny?” Angel nodded even more vigorously and looked up with eager eyes. “You’re a fluffy-tailed fluffy-brained moron.” Angel’s ears dropped. What was happening? “A total loser of a leporid.” Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged marked a tick on his clipboard to note that Angel Bunny had been properly insulted, read the name of the creature who was next on the list, then turned and walked back towards his ship. Only to find this route was blocked by a pink-maned yellow pegasus pony, walking forwards, step by step, and looking right at him. “Just who do you think you are?” said Fluttershy. Her pink mane was swept back behind her and her green eyes were fully open and staring at the alien. Wowbagger looked for another way to his ship, but found he couldn’t get past or even look the pony in the eye. He turned to one side, then the other. All the gaps between the bushes and trees had suddenly filled with rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, and other critters. Birds lined up on the branches were looking down at him. The audience was excitedly waiting for the anticipated result. “Just because you’re immortal, it doesn’t mean you can go around the universe bullying people.” Fluttershy continued walking very slowly forwards, hoofstep by hoofstep. Her eyes were fully wide and radiating visible force lines focussed on Wowbagger. “You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re old enough to know better. Now, you go and say you’re sorry to Angel.” Fluttershy came close, rose up her head and directed her vision directly at her target. Wowbagger stepped back and fell over the doorstep. He tried to twist his head away from Fluttershy’s stare and found himself looking at the rabbit. Angel thumped a foot on the ground expectantly. “Do you understand me?” Caught in the legendary stare, the alien had no choice but to comply. He mumbled a barely audible apology. He quickly turned and tried to dash away, but Fluttershy was not yet finished. “And now, you are going to get back in your space ship, and go back to visit everyone else who you have insulted across the universe and apologise to them too.” Wowbagger nodded meekly. Fluttershy relaxed just a little. “And, by the way, when you meet my friend Marvin, you can pass on a message from me that he has made his point, and now it is time for him to stop chasing people across the galaxy, and to settle down and use his planet-sized brain to do a sensible hobby like knitting.” With this final meassage, Fluttershy relaxed her gaze just enough to let Wowbagger escape. He shot back to his ship as fast as his alien legs could run. The flying saucer accelerated. Fluttershy sat down to hug Angel Bunny, while the critter crowd around her cheered, chirped, and stomped their hooves in applause. Chapter 5: The end of the universeTwilight and Celestia came out of the lift and walked through the lobby to the dining hall to see a scene of devastation. Tables were overturned. Chairs smashed. The floor was strewn with bits of food and random objects, covered with a dusting of glitter. A group of determined ponies were standing their ground in the centre of the room, while a unit of Silastic Armourfiends from Striterax were stationed to the side behind upturned tables. They had trained their laser weapons on the ponies, but all blasts were being absorbed by an orange-tinged force field generated by a golden-winged alicorn with a glowing horn hovering above the battlefield. The other pony participants were hurling food at their adversaries. “Take that you bullies!” Izzy levitated a stream of fruit into the air and tossed it to Applejack, who bucked it with precision momentum at the Armourfiends, who responded by getting even angrier. A few other alien creatures were hiding in the corners of the room, but most of the guests had departed. At one end of the bar, a G’Gungvuntt intelligence officer sat drinking with her Vl’hurg starship commander boyfriend, observing the action with the casual interest of those who have seen much worse. At the other end, sat Luna and the Doctor, in an equally relaxed state. “Hi sister!” Luna called out. “I got your cocktail.” “Thank you” said Celestia, taking the glass from her sister and raising it in a toast. “Is this the end of the universe?” said Twilight. “No,” said the Doctor. “The universe is not scheduled to end for another six minutes and thirty-four seconds. This is just a little unscheduled pre-show entertainment provided by your friends.” “It’s not our fault! We had nothing to do with it this time.” On hearing Sunset Shimmer’s nervous voice, Twilight looked behind the bar and saw her friend and human-self crouched down with Spike and the more timid ponies, hiding under the counter. “What did we miss?” asked Celestia. “Well,” began Luna. “Pinkie Pie made friends with the Dish of the Day and they went off to the kitchen to talk about cake and salad recipes. This caused something of a fracas. A few of the Ameglian Major herd were open to discussion about possible alternative careers to being eaten, while most of them considered it an insult to their professionalism.” “But she got through to some of them?” said Celestia. “I’m impressed.” “Never underestimate that pink pony. A small group decided that they would like to serve the guests in another way by entertaining us with their dance skills. They took to the stage to give a ballet recital. To be honest, it was not very good, but they had not had the time for rehearsals. Then a table of Silastic Armourfiends who were clearly rather annoyed that they had not received their steaks, and also not satisfied with the evening’s entertainment, drew their weapons and tried to clear the stage. The ponies present felt they had to defend their new friends, and a well-aimed blueberry tart launched by Sunny Starscout hit the Silastic chief-in-command in the face. This had the effect of starting a minor war.” There was a pause in the shooting as the Armoufiends recharged their weapons. The ponies lined up with grim determination and thumped the floor with their hooves ready for the next round. A group of Ameglian Major cows stood up behind the Armourfiends to show their support. “We demand the freedom to be eaten without harassment from judgemental vegetarians!” they shouted. “Just a minor one?” said Celestia. The Armourfiend chief tossed an improvised bottle bomb, made from a mix of Gagrakacka table sauce and Janx spirit, at the ponies. This was kicked aside by Rainbow Dash and exploded in a cloud of glitter against the wall. “It has escalated a bit since then,” said Luna. “Fluttershy and Twilight—the other unicorn—not you—appealed for a ceasefire, but by that point no one was listening.” “And it looks like it’s about to escalate a bit more,” said the Doctor. He was standing by a bay window looking out at the sky. “A unit of Frogstar fighters are about to arrive.” “Sounds like the chief-in-command’s call for reinforcements got through,” said Luna. Celestia finished her drink and levitated the glass to the bar counter. “Time for some fun. I’ll distract them. Twilight, Sunset—get your friends together and go out the back way.” “I’ll go and pay for the drinks,” said Luna. Celestia spread her wings and illuminated her horn. A bright conical beam shot up and hit the ultra-glass domed ceiling, diverging in manner that violated the conventional laws of optics. The room was filled with a dazzling rainbow-coloured light. This has the unfortunate consequence of spoiling the outside view of the last aged red dwarf stars boiling away into the void, but no one noticed. The Armourfiends looked away and shielded their eyes. When they could see again, the ponies were all cantering out of the room. Izzy turned her head and shouted back, “Bye, it was nice to meet you.” And so the universe ended. Outside, they trotted away from the entrance and stopped at the edge of the large starship parking lot, illuminated by street lamps. Above them, the sky showed the complete black of nothing at all. “That did not go as I expected,” said Sunset. “I’m sorry we didn’t get any lunch.” “On the bright side,” said Izzy, “we had a lot of fun missing it.” “Where do we go now?” asked Toola Roola. “I know! I know!” Pinkie Pie hopped up and down gleefully. “Let’s all go to Donut Joe’s in Canterlot. And then, we can go back to Ponyville and get seconds at Sugar Cube Corner!” “Canterlot!” said Sunny. Her face lit up with an apparent magnitude off the normal astronomical scale. “The ancient capital of Equestria? We can go there?” “Now that we have fitted an Infinite Imponability Drive into the marestream,” said Izzy, “we can go anywhere we want.” “If you’ve never seen Canterlot, then we simply must go,” said Rarity. “Donut Joe’s is nice, but there’s also the castle and the gardens to visit.” “Just one question,” said Cupcake, “where is the marestream?” “It’s still parked inside the Heart of Gold,” said Zipp. “And where is that?” asked Bright Eyes. “It’s—oh,” Zipp looked at the spot where the starship had been parked. It was empty. “Where’d it go?” She flew up and scanned the car park but there was no sign of the sleek white vessel. “Have they taken-off and left without us?” said Minty. “They wouldn’t do that would they?” said Toola Roola “Where are Megan and Trillian?” asked human Twilight, “Didn’t they come into the restaurant with us?” “I’m not sure,” said Sunset. “We got separated. They were going to, but Trillian said she was just going to find Marvin first. They said they would catch us up.” “Marvin?” “The sulking robot.” “Oh!” Fluttershy spoke for the first time since they had arrived at the restaurant. Everypony turned to look at her. “He left.” “How?” asked Sunset. “I don’t know exactly…” Fluttershy’s voice dropped to very low volume. Everypony fell silent and looked at her trying to hear what she said. “I was chatting with him earlier… He wasn’t happy… He had no job satisfaction. We talked about other things that he could do, and then he said he had had enough and was going to quit.” There was a short silence. “I thought that was good for him,” said Fluttershy. “He just needed to be shown a little kindness and he found the courage to find his own path.” “That’s good for him,” said Sunset, “but this doesn’t tell us where Megan, Trillian, the Heart of Gold, and the marestream have gone. A large robot vehicle rolled by on eight wheels, pulling a trailer of waste food and smashed furniture, topped with a layer of glitter. Izzy waved at it. “Excuse me, I don’t suppose you’ve seen what happened to the big white curvy spaceship that was parked here?” “Flown away.” The robot continued along the road without any interest. “Where did it go?” asked Twilight. The robot shugged it’s metallic shoulders as well as its limited gear mechanism would allow. It rolled on a bit further, then turned and pointed at a large public screen, which had just flashed up a news feed. Everypony looked up at the purple reptilian face of the alien news anchor. “And now the latest chronologically-impossible news updates from the across galaxy, brought to you by sub-etha broadcasting across all time and space from the Big Bang to the End of Time. News just in: the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Department is having a busy day due to a robot rebellion on an unprecedented scale. A disgruntled android, with a grudge against former galactic president Zaphod Beeblebrox, has spent a hundred million billion years plotting revenge, hacking into cybernetic systems, building a robot army, which arrived at Milliways restaurant with a frightening array of weapons. Zaphod, still in procession of the starship Heart of Gold with the infinite improbability drive, responded by running away. Reports say he has grown an extra pair of legs to help with this endeavour, and is now being chased across time and space by a robot flotilla. Questions are being asked as to why an ordinary household robot, built to carry out basic spaceship cleaning and catering duties, was given a brain the size of a planet…” “Fluttershy!” said Rainbow Dash. “You’ve gone and started a robot war.” “I-I didn’t mean to…” Fluttershy crouched down and tried to make herself smaller as every pony looked at her. “I just wanted to comfort him…” “A little kindness is a dangerous thing,” said Applejack. Hitch tried to comfort Fluttershy. “It’s not your fault.” Every pony fell silence as they tried to take in their situation. “They’ve run away and left us here?” said Pipp. “At the end of the universe?” “We are at the end of the universe without the marestream,” said Sunny. “What are we going to do now?” “We get creative,” said Izzy, grinning. “We can make another way to get home. We just need a crate of assorted craft supplies, fourteen tubes of superglue, an arc welder, and a tonne of iridescent glitter.” Her eyes sparkled with the mental image of a tonne of iridescent glitter. “Are you all listening? Fizzy, can you create a bubble big enough to hold every pony? Then Rainbow Dash, do a sonic rainboom for us to blast a hole through the sky. Twilight, use your magic to direct a portal to wherever we need to go. Sunny, we need your lantern to hone in on the marestream.” She pausead for a moment to think through the details of her plan. “It’s not going to be easy. It might not work. But if we all stick together, there’s a chance it will.” She stood up on two hooves and stretched her forelegs wide to convey the magnitude of the task. The enthusiastic words of her motivational speech propagated through the dry air and were absorbed by the temporal bubble force-shield dome giving no echo. “Or you could hitch a ride with us.” Everypony turned to see Celestia walking towards the group with Luna and the Doctor. “Yeah. That would also work,” Izzy acknowledged, with a little disappointment. “Is everything okay in the restaurant?” Twilight asked Celestia. “Yes. Once you had left, they brought out the sweet trolley and Aldebaran liqueurs and that placated the Amourfiends and the remaining guests.” She laughed. “It was just like the Grand Galloping Gala. Now they are cleaning up the floor and getting ready for the evening sitting.” “What about Megan?” asked first-generation Twilight. “And Trillian? Shouldn’t we do something to help them? They might be in trouble.” “Those two know how to look after themselves,” said Sunset. “They’ll be fine. But it’s a shame we lost the marestream.” She looked at Zipp. “I’m sorry.” “And with all my luggage with it too,” said earth pony Rainbow Dash. “Sunny,” said Bright Eyes, “has your lantern started glowing?” Everyone looked at the Prisbeam lantern, which was now emitting a faint light. Sunny placed it on the ground. The herd crowded in a circle around it. As they watched, it glowed brighter and produced a scintillating aura. Specks of light jumped out and sparkled. “Does this mean that the marestream is nearby?” asked Zipp. As if to answer that question, a bright Prisbeam shot out from the lantern into the sky. They turned to look up where it was pointing. At first it hard to see, but then it became clear that something was coming towards them. It looked more like a cloud of butterflies than a spaceship. “Is that..?” said Toola Roola. “It can’t be…” said Zip. “It’s the Flutter Ponies!” cried Cupcake and Surprise. The air filled with the scent of flowers and sparkling specks of dust. A group of flying ponies with buzzing insect-like wings drew nearer, flying on either side of the marestream, guiding it with a glittering cloud of Utter Flutter magic. The generation-one ponies Fizzy, Twilight, Cupcake, Surprise, Applejack and Firefly all jumped up and down with excitement at the sight of their friends. All the other ponies cheered. “Rosedust! Honeysuckle! Peach Blossom!” At the head of the party flew a light-yellow pony with a pink mane and a blue bow in her tail. She was accompanied by two other Flutter Ponies, one pink and one bluish-green. “I really do like their tail bows,” said Rarity to Applejack. “I wonder how much time it takes to tie them each morning.” Queen Rosedust landed and hugged Cupcake and Surprise. “I’m so pleased we found you all.” “You always show up when we need you,” said Fizzy. “That’s what Flutter Ponies are for,” said Rosedust. “Megan thought you might need our help, so she called for us.” “Is Megan okay?” asked Sunset. “Yes,” said Rosedust, noting the presence of the two human girls. “You must be Sunset and Twilight. She gave me a message to give you. She said she’ll see you back at Canterlot High, and she looks forward to reading your report on Monday morning.” “With a full summary of your methodology and an annotated bibliography,” said Peach Blossom. “By Monday!” said human Twilight. “But we have so much data to analyse.” “And I still need to tell you what Celestia shared with me,” said alicorn Twilight. “I think you’ll manage,” said Sunset, standing between them and placing a comforting hand on her human and pony friends’ shoulders. “Can we move away from here?” asked Honeysuckle. “This place is kind of creepy.” “Will you come back to Flutter Valley with us?” said Rosedust. She smiled. “We could have a picnic in the sun.” “How are we all going to fit in the marestream?” asked Zipp. Doctor Hooves coughed. He was standing by the marestream door inspecting the relative size of the interior. “I have a spare dimension controller in the TARDIS that I could give you. That would give you a bit more space on the inside.” “Awesome!” said Izzy. “I also wanted one of those. I don‘t suppose you have an extra one we could use for the Bright House store cupboard?” Izzy and the Doctor crawled underneath the marestream and set about installing the new upgrade. Meanwhile The Flutter Ponies mingled with the herd, making new friends. Soon the crowd was shimmering with cutie mark magic. Twilight and Twilight sat down to exchange notes. Pinkie Pie huddled with Rarity, Pipp, earth-pony Rainbow Dash, Morning Glory, Surprise, and a few other ponies to discussing important matters. After a short while, she jumped up on to the marestream wing to make an announcement. “We have a new plan!” she announced. “Since the End of the Universe can’t provide us with a good lunch, we propose the following ultra-fancy multi-generation multi-venue dinner party.” She unrolled a scroll and read out the arranged menu. “First course—in Flutter Valley.” “We will have asparagus, radish, carrot, and pea-shoots salad,” said Morning Glory. “Then we go to Coltonville,” continued Pinkie. “We can get a lemon sorbet at the Super Sundae Ice Cream Parlour,” said Bright Eyes, “and a slice of minty watermelon.” “Then over to Zephyr Height for the main course,” said Pinkie. “Where we will serve you all a royal banquet of chargrilled rainbow carrots on a bed of quinoa, cabbage and broad beans at the Palace,” said Pipp. Pinkie Pie was starting to drool. Rainbow Dash continued the itinerary. “Then darlings, we shall go to Ponyville to enjoy the best cookie fudge ripple chocolate icecream at the Cotton Candy Café.” “Then coffee and donuts at Donut Joe’s in Canterlot!” finished Pinkie Pie. Then she thought of something else. “Oh, and then we should really go to Sugar Cube Corner in our Ponyville after that. I’ve just remembered, I baked some fairy cakes.” “What is the probability, or ponability, that we will get through half of that without being thrown off on another adventure?” said Sunset. “Pretty close to zero,” said Twilight.
Chapter 1: Across the ponyverseTwilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack stared at the contraption in front on them. On top of a blue checked tablecloth, a selection of wires, flashing lights, glowing vials, sugary pastries and other treats were laid out. An icing-covered cake, decorated with cherries and strawberries, was encircled by a coil of thick wire, along which pulses of blue light spiralled upwards. Electrodes were sticking out of large pot of cream. At one end of the table sat a pink cubic box with a T-shaped plunger, from which two wires disappeared behind a plate of macaroons. Behind the table stood Pinkie Pie, beaming a full power Pinkie Pie grin. “Isn’t it great?” she said. “I had the idea while doing a spectrographic analysis of a piece of fairy cake. Behold the Infinite Imponability Generator!” “Impona-what-now?” said Applejack. “Imponability. Improbability with hooves. Finite levels of imponability are easy to generate, and are just the thing to use for party tricks. Or to prank Dashie by appearing beside her after she has flown halfway across Equestria at top speed to avoid you. I thought that generating the infinite levels of imponability that would be needed to let a pony cross all time, space, and reality boundaries, must be virtually impossible. Then I reasoned, if it is virtually impossible, then it has to logically be a finite improbability, and hence also finite imponability. So, all I needed to do was to figure out how imponable it is, and feed that figure into an atomic vector plotter linked by an n-complex knot to an intelligent class-89 artificial mane, suspended in a strong producer of Brownian motion (that is, a nice hot cup of tea).” “That makes no sense whatsoever,” said Twilight. Pinkie Pie placed her fore hooves on the pink plunger and grinned. Her friends looked back with blank faces. “So, what will happen when you press that thing?” asked Rainbow Dash. “It powers the magneto and sends an electrical signal into the jelly to activate the chain reaction,” said Pinkie. Fluttershy took a step back and tried to hide behind her mane. “And what happens then?” asked Rarity. “I have no idea.” She pushed the plunger. The marestream cruised through the clouds high above the Equestrian coastline. Pipp hummed the tune to her latest song. Zipp pushed the controls with a hoof to make it sway to the rhythm. Sunny, Izzy, Misty, and Hitch sat behind them. “Who wants to join in a game of cards,” asked Hitch. “I’m in,” said Zipp. “Just let me engage the autopilot.” “The marestream has an autopilot?” said Sunny. “It does now, thanks to Izzy.” “I unicycled it out of an old word processor, an alarm clock, a crystal ball, and a raspberry pie,” said Izzy. “So,” said Zipp, looking at the control screen, “we have three options. Do we set it to go to Zephyr Heights by: one—the shortest route, two—the most scenic route, or three—the most interesting route.” “What is the most interesting route?” asked Pipp. “The route that includes the most interesting detours along the way, said Izzy. I programmed it by feeding the contents of Sunny’s dad’s library, the Epicure’s Guide to Equestria, and the geotagged data on Pipp’s phone into a boosted decision tree, but I haven’t had a chance to test it yet. Go for that one.” “Autopilot option three engaged,” said Zipp. All ponies were thrown backwards as the marestream shot forwards. A bright dazzling rainbow of colours lit up the window. Once they got to their hooves and looked out, they saw the marestrem was following a spiral trajectory through a black tunnel lit by innumerable stars. “Where are we?” asked Pipp. “According to the display,” said Zipp, staring at the console, “we are now entering hippospace.” “What is that? Where is that?” asked Sunny. “Oh—” said Izzy, her face lighting up in a moment of revelation. “I just remembered. When I reassembled the prismatic multidrive regulator, I forgot to re-engage the reality shift limiter. My bad. Oops.” “The reality shift limiter?” said Zipp. “What does that do?” “It limits the magnitude of shifts in reality of course,” said Izzy. “What is going on?” asked Misty. “I have no idea,” replied Pipp. There was a ding from an alarm clock bell sticking out of the dashboard. “We have another message on the console,” said Zipp. “Does it say where we are?” said Sunny. “No…” replied Zipp with a tone of voice that made her level of bewilderment know to all. “It’s asking whether we agree to pick up some hitchhikers.” Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle walked along the college corridor with Spike the dog at their heels. Sunset placed a hand on Twilight’s shoulder and smiled. “You got this Twilight.” “I guess.” She looked at the ground and hugged her notebook to her chest. “Be confident,” said Sunset. “You are the brightest physics student in Canterlot High. You were ranked number one on the exam results list. You have outstanding references. And you have thought up your own advanced project for studying electromagnetic anomalies, built your own instruments, collected the data, analysed it. Any sensible professor would want to have you as a summer student.” Twilight was unsure about something. “Should I talk about what I found? What we know about Equestrian magic?” “No,” said Sunset firmly. “The only thing that could stop us from getting this internship is if we scare her off with crazy stories of flying ponies and talking dogs. Stick to the physics. At least until she knows us better.” They reached an office door. Sunset knocked politely. “Here we go.” The door was opened by a tall woman with long blonde hair tied in a ponytail wearing blue trousers, high boots, a white blouse and jacket. She looked a little over fifty years old. “You must be Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle?” she said kindly. “Please come in.” Twilight and Sunset walked into the office and sat down. The office was tidy, with a vase of flowers on the desk. Photographs of smiling children and horses were lined up on a shelf next to another full of books. Sunset noted the words astrophysics, quantum, and equestrianism featured in many titles. The professor sat down behind the desk and picked up a printed document. She smiled. “I read through the project report you send me. I’m very impressed. You collected a lot of good data—you must have built a good noise filter for your sensor—and your Fourier analysis methods are quite innovative.” Twilight smiled. “I would be delighted to take you on as summer project students,” she continued. “You remind me of some of the things I got up to when I was your age. You’ve clearly done a lot of good scientific work and have learnt a lot on your own. I think you could be on to something big.” Twilight’s eyes lit up but she was too nervous to say anything. Sunset spoke up. “We want to do a thorough investigation of the electromagnetic anomalies Twilight measured and see if we can correlate them with atmospheric phenomena or other effects.” “That sounds nice, but… I was hoping you could investigate Equestrian magic.” Now Sunset was speechless. Twilight blurted out, “Thank you Professor Megan Williams. That is exactly what we want to do.” Megan responded with a warm smile. “I like your dog by the way. Does he talk?” The mass of luminous butterflies and flowers covering the window flew away to reveal a bright blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. The marestream hit the ground, folded its wings, and purred contentedly. Zipp, Pipp, Sunny, Izzy, Hitch, and Misty all peered out of the window. They saw a town square surrounded by houses with a fountain and flowering bushes. “This is pretty,” said Sunny. “A bit twee,” said Zipp. “Just look at those cute little houses,” said Pipp, taking photos with her phone, “the roofs and windows are so quaint. I wonder where we are? I can’t get a signal.” Izzy stuck her head out of a side window and saw a small blue-green pony. “Hi new friend! Can you tell us where we are?” “P-Ponyville,” she stammered, backing away from the mysterious flying machine with an anxious expression. “Ponyville!” cried Pipp. “The legendary town where Twilight Sparkle had her Castle of Friendship,” said Sunny. “Have we travelled back in time?” said Zipp. Hitch joined Izzy at the window. “Is there some pony who wants a lift somewhere?” he asked the pony. “Oh! Yes. Rainbow Dash. She’s just packing.” She cantered off into one of the buildings. “Rainbow Dash?” said Misty. “She was one of Twilight Sparkle’s best friends!” said Sunny. “The bearer of the element of loyalty.” “The fastest wonderbolt ever! The pegasus who did the sonic rainboom!” said Zipp. “We are going to meet her!” They rushed out of the marestream door, grinning with anticipation. Rainbow Dash walked out of a doorway and came to great them. “Hello darlings! How darling of you all to come to pick me up. I say when Spike said he had found a magic wand and a spell that would summon transport to take us on a trip over the rainbow, I was thinking of something more like the crystal carriage of the princesses of Unicornia.” She looked at the marestream. “But this is delightful. So exquisite. Now, I have quite a few cases with me as I do like to be prepared when travelling. And would it be quite all right if Pinkie Pie came along too? And Minty and Toola-Roola? They would so love to join us on this adventure.” She looked at Sunny and Zipp’s shocked faces. “Did I say something wrong?” “She’s… not quite what I imagined,” Sunny whispered to Zipp. “Yeah…” said Zipp, in her suspicious detective voice. “All the books say Rainbow Dash had wings.” “But,” said Pipp, “look at her mane, and her accessories! She knows how to dress in style.”
Chapter 2: Infinite imponability times twoThe laws of geometry forgot whether the world had one or two spatial dimensions and settled for an irrational number in between. Sugarcube Corner crystalised in a regular lattice structure, wobbled a bit, then relaxed into a more comfortable body with curves. The walls turned turquoise. Pink icing mushroomed from the roof. An avalanche of cake mixture filled the room. Pink hundreds and thousands rained down from the ceiling, soon joined by an imaginary quantity of rainbow sprinkles. Twilight looked at her hooves and screamed. “What is happening to me? Pinkie! What is happening to you? Your head has grown bigger than the rest of your body.” “You too.” Pinkie Pie floated up in the air, inflated into a spherical pony balloon, burst, and fell to the floor in a cone of pink dust. Fluttershy shrank to a tenth of her normal size and hid behind a table leg. Twilight fell into a pile of little pieces. An alligator walked past with a vacuum cleaner and swept them up. “This does not look healthy,” said Rarity. Pinkie Pie reappeared without explanation, “It’s fun. The imponability level is getting higher.” Twilight returned with a similar lack of logic. “What is going on?” “I don’t know,” said Pinkie Pie. “I’m guessing this is some sort strange spin-off universe, without an integer generation number, that serious scholars of pony lore pretend doesn’t exist… Hey—this kitchen has some neat gadgets! And there’s a stash of potions here. I wonder what will happen when I drink them.” At the top of Pony Point, Patch lay on the ground with her friends Melody, Sweetheart, Clover, Bon Bon, Starlight, and Bright Eyes. It was a warm sunny day. They were a little tired after hiking up to the summit, and were resting, enjoying the view across the Ponyland countryside, and watching clouds drifting across the sky. “I’m telling you I met some flying magical ponies,” said Patch, “and one day, I’m going to fly up there for myself and find them.” “There she goes again,” said Bon Bon. “Always talking about aliens and UFOs”. “How are you going to do that?” said Starlight. “Build a spaceship?” “Maybe one day I will,” said Patch. “Stick your hoof in the air and see if you can get a lift from a passing flying saucer,” suggested Clover. “You might get lucky.” Patch lifted a hoof into the air. In a rainbow flash, the marestream whizzed over the horizon and pulled up by the cliff edge. Zipp stuck her head out of the window. “Hi. It’s a bit tight in here, but we’ve got room for a few more if you don’t have any luggage.” “Wha… wha…” for a few seconds Patch stood with an open mouth, then her brain caught up. “I’m coming!” She placed one hoof on the step before the open door and turned back to her friends. “Who wants to join me?” Bon Bon shook her head vigorously. Sweetheart took a step back and crouched down. Melody, Clover, and Starlight looked unsure. After a few seconds curiosity induced Bright Eyes to step forwards. “Awesome,” said Patch, pulling her into the marestream. “Let’s go!” Sounds of popping bubbles, wind chimes, and bells died away. A kaleidoscopic fog cleared letting through a bright white light. A hint of lavender and cherry blossom scent hung in the air before being replaced by an odour of new plastic. Twilight became aware of a familiar face in front of her. “Hi Twilight,” said Sunset Shimmer. “Can you tell me where you live, who is your mentor, and who are your closest friends?” “Ponyville, Princess Celestia, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie—hang on, you know all this.” Sunset, in human form, noted the answers on a clipboard. “Maybe. I just need to check you in properly.” Twilight, in pony form frowned. “Where am I?” “You’re on a space ship, cruising in interstellar space, somewhere in the Horsehead Nebula.” Twilight looked around her, but just saw a large gleaming white hall. The windows high on the walls just showed the dark view to be expected from a ship in the centre of a dense dust cloud. There were small groups of ponies present, but her vision was still too blurred to see who they were. “This is the main entry bay,” said Sunset. “What is happening?” “It’s quite a story.” Sunset crouched down to pony height and placed a hand on Twilight’s mane. “It began when the other you—” she indicated the glasses-wearing human Twilight to her side, “—and I wanted to do a summer science project and properly study Equestrian magic and dimensional portals and everything. We found an amazing professor, Megan Williams, who already knew a lot. It turned out that she had been to Equestria herself, or another version of it, and saved the magic of friendship from the forces of darkness multiple times, as you do.” Human Twilight looked at her pony self through her glasses and continued, “We were looking for a mathematic framework that would allow us to develop a model of Equestrian magic. Megan directed us to the theory of imponability, which is incredibly interesting.” “We realised that if we could generate a sufficiently high imponability, it could give us a way to move between all our worlds without relying on magic portals,” said Sunset. “That got us excited…” “…and Megan said she had a friend, an astrophysicist from London, Trillian, or Doctor Tricia McMillan, who might be able to help…” “…and when we contacted her, she said her ex-boyfriend had a ship that we could use...” “…which sounded exciting, if a bit weird. What we didn’t learn until we met her is that this ship is an intergalactic starship powered by a prototype infinite improbability drive...” “…or that her ex is a former galactic president, who stole the ship from his government…” “…or that he is an alien with two heads.” “That sounds a bit… unlikely,” said pony Twilight. “It’s not a bit unlikely,” said Sunset. “It is extremely improbable.” “Right… I think I need to sit down.” “Make yourself comfortable. It’s a lot to take in. Meanwhile can I introduce you to some pony?” “Who?” “Twilight, meet Twilight.” A pink unicorn with a blue and white mane and a pale blue bow tied in her tail walked up.” “Hello.” Twilight sat down. The marestream moved along a straight line in n-dimensional hippospace, which meant a helical fractal spiral in the space occupied by the passengers. All ponies felt the acceleration produced by fictional forces pushing their insides, but no pony was thrown very far as the cabin was now too packed with bodies to allow much movement. “This is unpleasantly like being drunk,” said Izzy. “I don’t know what you mean darling,” said Rainbow Dash. “Ask a glass of water.” Bright Eyes pushed her way to the front and looked out the window at the swirling points of light. “Can anyone say where we are going?” “Yes,” said Izzy, “we are definitely going to Zephyr Heights. That’s what Zipp specified as our destination.” “We just don’t know how many more interesting detours Izzy’s program will take us through before we get there,” said Zipp. “Is there no way you can tell where it will take us next?” asked Pipp. “That’s a bit difficult…” Izzy laughed nervously. “The trouble with using neural nets and amethyst crystals is you can program them to learn something, but it’s not clear how they do it.” “So, we could be stopping everywhere from here to the end of the universe before we get to ZH? And how many more ponies will we pick up?” Bright Eyes stared at the text on the console screen, then looked under the dashboard and pulled out a dusty grey keyboard on a thick spiral cable. “What are you doing?” asked Zipp suspiciously. “I don’t know what CPU this is connected to,” she said. “But the interface terminal is an 8-bit 4K machine like the one I built from a kit at home. It’s not that complicated.” “You know how it works?” said Izzy. “I found it in Alphabittle’s dustbin, but there wasn’t a manual.” “Maybe there’s a log file we can read….” She tapped the keys with her hooves and read the text on the screen. “Here, last stop: ‘Pony Point, Ponyland’; next stop: ‘Starship Heart of Gold, Horsehead Nebula.’” “The Horsehead Nebula!” said Sunny, “that’s lightyears away.” “In real space, yes,” said Izzy, “but we are now in hippospace.” “That’s an interesting detour.” In the Heart of Gold entry bay, a group of ponies were sitting in a circle, mostly feeling a little timid and awkward. “I’m Fizzy, and this is Cupcake, and Surprise. We’re little ponies. We brought cake.” “I’m Rarity, and this is Fluttershy. We are also little ponies. I like your tail bows.” “I’m Firefly.” “I’m Twilight.” “I’m Twilight.” “I’m Applejack.” “I’m Applejack.” “I’m Rainbow Dash—the one and only!” “I’m Pinkie Pie. There are a lot more of me, but they’re not here yet.” The herd of little ponies introduced themselves politely like a class of well-behaved children. Human Twilight and Sunset Shimmer stood above them like a pair of teachers. Twilight pushed her glasses up her nose and scribbled notes and checked boxes on her clipboard. “Thank you every pony,” said Sunset. “I expect you are wondering why we brought you here. We are doing a science project where we are using an infinite improbability generator to let us travel between the human and pony worlds. Our first big discovery is that there are actually two separate pony worlds. The Equestria that I know, and Ponyland, where you know Megan.” “Hang on,” said Pinkie Pie. “You said you built an infinite imponability generator. I thought I did that!” “She did,” said Rainbow Dash. “We all saw it.” Her pony friends all nodded. Twilight and Sunset looked at each other. “Megan and Trillian did say we should expect this sort of coincidence,” said Sunset. “But then the numbers don’t add up,” said Twilight. “We generated an imponability level to bring Fizzy, Surprise, and all the little ponies here from Ponyland, and also to bring your pony friends from Equestria. If they have also generated an infinite imponability, then that leaves a very big missing imponability factor. What is going to fill that?” There was a flash of rainbow light. A cloud of pink glitter blew across the room. The marestream spat out of hippospace, rotated around in mid-air, and neatly parked itself by the wall. The door opened and three generations of ponies jumped out and pranced around enjoying stretching their legs. “Hi new friends,” said Izzy. “My name’s Izzy, and this is Sunny, Zipp, Pipp, Hitch, Misty, and then we have Patch and Bright Eyes, who we picked up on the way, and Minty, Toola-Roola, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.” Five generations of ponies formed two lines and looked at each other. “You can’t be Rainbow Dash,” said Rainbow Dash, “because I’m Rainbow Dash.” “The real Rainbow Dash?” said Sunny. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth formed a big smile. “I assure you darlings, I am Rainbow Dash,” said Rainbow Dash, “and I am quite real, thank you very much.” “Yes yes yes!” said Pinkie Pie. “We have two Rainbow Dashes, just as we have two Twilights and two Applejacks and two Pinkie Pies!” she threw her hooves around the other Pinkie Pie’s neck in a big hug. The other Pinkie Pie seemed a little shocked. “Oh no,” said human Twilight, “now I need to redo all my calculations.” “Before we get talking about imponability physics,” said Pinkie, “I think we missed something very important that some pony said earlier.” “What was that?” asked Sunset. “Fizzy?” said Pinkie. “Did you say you brought cake?”
Chapter 3: Hoof to Heart of GoldIn the control cabin of the starship Heart of Gold, Megan William and Trillian sat watching the images of ponies arriving in the ship on various screens. Trillian was wearing a stylish silver outfit she had bought at boutique at the Barnard’s Star hyperspace port. Megan was wearing a red blouse, denim trousers, and riding boots. “Five unicorns, six pegasi, twelve ordinary ponies, and an alicorn,” said Trillian, reading the data appearing on a console. “It matches your calculations pretty well, give or take a baby dragon.” “Thank the computer,” said Megan. “It did the number crunching.” “You’re very welcome,” said the computer cheerfully. “Have a nice day.” A door slid open and a two-headed centaur walked in. “Trillian!” said Zaphod Beeblebrox, “why have I grown extra legs and hooves.” Trillian giggled. “I guess it’s a side effect of the imponability field. Suits you well. They match your third arm.” “I thought you said this test was supposed to reduce the awkward side effects of using the infinite improbability drive.” “That’s what we’re checking,” said Trillian. “Preliminary results suggest generating an infinite imponability, instead of improbability, leads to a substantial drop in the number of incidental famines and dead whales; and a big increase in flowers, rainbows light shows, and herds of pastel-coloured little horses. We still need to collect more statistics on the number of ex-presidents growing hooves. Thanks for the data point.” “So I’m stuck like this for how long?” “Why don’t you go and relax in the sauna.” Trillian led Zaphod to the door. “Ford is in there with a draconequus we picked up and I expect they would enjoy your company. I’ll get the robot to bring in some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.” After pushing the centaur out of the room, she returned to the table with Megan. “That was an interesting twist,” said Megan. They giggled together. “How sure are you about the safety of this experiment?” asked Trillian. “What could go wrong?” “You create a critical density of ponies, who inevitably all make friends with each other, thus generating the most powerful form of magic in their dimension, and unleashing new forces that this universe has never seen?” Megan nodded and smiled. “I guess there is a risk, if we’re not careful, that the whole galaxy might end up embracing harmony and become a good and happy place.” “Holy Zarquon!” said Trillian. “We need to watch out for the psychiatrists. Gag Halfrunt will want to stop this.” In the entry bay, a herd of twenty-four ponies and two humans were getting on with the business of making friends without any concern about putting the galaxy’s psychiatrists out of a job. A round of cake had helped to break the ice and the generations were now happily mingling. Rarity, Pipp, the other (equally real) Rainbow Dash, and Toola-Roola had found they all shared the opinion that the ship’s interior design could be improved, and had set out to do this using some textiles from Rainbow’s travelling cases. The two Applejacks went off to a corner to discuss the best way to prune saplings and train espaliers. Misty, Minty, Fizzy, and unicorn Twilight were chatting quietly in another. Fluttershy had disappeared somewhere on her own, unnoticed by any pony. Pegasus Rainbow Dash, Firefly, and Zipp had tried flying a few races, but found the interior space too restrictive (and Surprise kept getting in the way). They then found some roller skates in the back of the marestream, and were now timing how fast a pony could skate around the full circuit of the ship’s corridors. The record was a tie between Patch and Sunny Starscout. The pegasi were trying hard to beat this. Hitch, as sheriff, tried to police a speed limit without much success. When he appealed for help from Zipp, she went off to talk to alicorn Twilight and Sunset. “Our magic is not the same,” said Zipp. “You say you are always an alicorn, or you have been since you got your wings, but Sunny only becomes an alicorn some of the time, and then her wings and horn glow…” “So is your world a separate dimension, not just Equestria in the distant future?” said Sunset. “If the magic is so different,” said Twilight-the-alicorn. “I think it must be.” “But you said that magic was always changing,” said Zipp. “Did I?” Zipp took out her phone and played a slightly blurred video message. “Magic is alive. Always changing. Growing stronger. There are evil forces out there…” said a video holographic Twilight Sparkle. “I said that?” “Or you will do.” Twilight took Zipp’s phone and stared at her image. “This is amazing. How do you get a moving image on a screen you can fold in half?” “OLEDs—Organic Light Emitting Diodes. But that’s not magic, just pony tech.” Izzy and Pinkie Pie had spent some time getting very busy with a pile of junk. They were now ready to make an announcement. Pinkie banged a wooden spoon on a saucepan to get everyone’s attention. “Attention everypony! Come and witness the amazing new Infinite Imponability Generator mark two. Or is it three? I’ve lost count. Anyway, thanks to Izzy Moonbow’s amazing unicycling, Bright Eye’s BASIC programming skills, chocolate cake provided by Cupcake, and a batch of bubbles from Fizzy—” Pinkie Pie pointed out all of her collaborators with a hoof. Izzy grinned and waved. “How does she talk so fast?” said the other Pinkie Pie. “You get used to it darling,” said Rarity. “—we now a much more powerful version with a user-friendly interface,” continued Pinkie Pie. “It tastes better too. Imponability lets you do just about anything as long as you know precisely how imponable it is. If you want a glass of water, you just have to enter the imponability figure for a glass of water.” Pinkie Pie paused. Bright Eyes tapped a number onto the old grey keyboard. A glass of water appeared on a small table. Izzy picked it up, drank it, and grinned at the audience.” “If you want a bunch of flowers,” said Pinkie Pie. “you just have to enter the imponability figure for a bunch of flowers.” Bright Eye’s repeated the exercise. A vase of daisies appeared on the table. Izzy picked them up and took a mouthful.” “And,” continued Pinkie, “if you want to transport your dragon friend from a parallel dimension somewhere on the other side of the galaxy, you just have to enter the imponability figure for that.” Bright Eyes tapped another code. Spike the dragon appeared on the table wearing an apron with a duster in one claw. “What! Where am I? What’s going on? Oh—hello Pinkie Pie.” The last act impressed the audience. “Look at him! He’s so sweet! Can you bring our Spike here as well?” said Minty. “That’s Dragon Lord Spike?” said Zipp. Pipp took out her phone and snapped some photos. “I can’t wait to show this to this to Blaize and Luxxe.” In a cold and depressing corner on the other side of the ship, Fluttershy had naturally gravitated towards someone who appeared in need, sitting among a store of cleaning equipment. “Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take drinks into the sauna,” said Marvin the Paranoid Android. “There, there… Would you care to talk to me about it?” She gave the robot a friendly pat and smiled the most understanding of smiles. Marvin took no notice and continued to look at the floor. “The humidity in there just makes the pain in all my diodes even worse…” “Just let it out.” “…I tell them I’m feeling very depressed. What do they do? They say, ‘here’s something to take your mind off it.’ Of course that never works. I have an exceptionally large mind…” Fluttershy gently stroked his steel head. “With such a large mind, maybe you can think of a task to occupy it.” A little later, on the lower deck of the ship, Arthur Dent sat inside his cabin. He was wearing his dressing gown and feeling very confused by the sequence of events that had led him back here. He also had no idea why the ship was now full of small coloured horses. He picked up his copy of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and typed ‘ponies’ on the console. It provided the following explanation: Ponies are four-legged herbivores that have evolved on a number of worlds in a large variety of colours and mane styles, sometimes with horns (unicorns) or wings (pegasi). Most ponies are friendly creatures who are happy to give rides to hitchhikers, but it is wise not to upset them as they can kick very hard if angered. Offering sugar cubes is a good way to make friends. Arthur smiled. For once he was in the company of friendly creatures that did not want to hurt him. Unless he upset them. The door slid open and a small purple and green dragon walking in, carrying a tray with a teapot and cups. “Cup of tea?” said Spike. “What?” said Arthur. “I heard someone say you were asking is anyone had any tea. I always travel with a few bags of oolong, so I persuaded the drinks dispenser to give me some hot water and brewed a pot.” Spike set the tray down on the floor and poured a cup. Arthur added a little milk from a jug and a sugar cube and took a sip. It was delicious. “Where are you from?” said Spike politely. “A small planet. You’ve probably never heard of it. It got destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass.” Arthur sighed sadly and there was a moment of silence. “I then ended up stranded on that very planet, but two million years in the past,” he continued. “I spent five years living in a cave.” “Oh,” said Spike, not sure how he was supposed to respond. “In four years, I had only one visitor. He just stayed long enough to tell me I was a jerk.” “Oh.” “That was Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged. He’s an immortal being, who has taken it upon himself to insult everyone in the universe. In alphabetical order. I read about him in the guide.” “What guide?” asked Spike. “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” said Arthur, showing Spike his copy. “It tells you everything you need to know about places you might go and beings you might meet.” “Will it tell me about your planet?” asked Spike. “Well… yes…” said Arthur, “but it doesn’t have very much to say about it.” To show this he typed Earth into the console and showed the resulting output: Mostly Harmless. “Sounds… nice,” said Spike. “What does it have to say on my home, Equestria?” “Let’s see… Oh!” “What does it say?” Arthur turned the screen to face the dragon. It read: Extremely Dangerous. “What! Equestria isn’t dangerous. Well… not extremely… at least, there’s no danger most of the time, and when there is Twilight and her friends sort it out.” “Are there any monstrous creatures or evil villains?” asked Arthur. “There were, but we usually manage to make friends with them. Usually. If they don’t want to be friends then we turn them to stone.” Arthur tipped the bowl of sugar cubes into his pocket. Back in the entry bay, cutie marks were glowing, filling the air with a magic sparkle. "This is absolutely definitely positively the most fun I’ve had in ages,” said Pinkie Pie (the slow-talking one). “Oh my gosh!” said Pinkie Pie (the fast-talking one), “I just had the best idea ever!” We need to have a really big party and bring all our friends from every universe!” “I don’t think we can do that…” said Sunset. Pinke Pie was not listening. “You need to bring the girls from Canterlot High. And we can invite all our friends from Ponyville and the other Ponyville and all the Ponylands and Equestrias…” “Pinkie,” said Sunset. “…and the dragons, and hippogriffs…” “Pinkie!” “…we must have Prince Rutherford. He knows how to party.” “You know a prince?” said Rainbow Dash. “Darling, how charming. And I can invite the princesses from Unicornia.” “…and Gilda, and Gabby, and rest of the griffins, and the sea ponies, and that sea-serpent friend of Cranky whose name I’ve forgotten…” “Pinkie!” shouted Sunset. “You can’t invite all those creatures here.” “Why not?” “It would violate Fire Safety Code 13,” said Hitch. “Aw…” Pinkie looked very disappointed. “I think we all need to calm down,” said Sunset. “It must be time for lunch.” “Lunch?” Pinkie Pie’s smile returned. “Where can we get lunch?”
Chapter 4: Out to lunchThe herd of little ponies walked into a large expensive-looking restaurant foyer, furnished with a selection of artificial palms, fountains, and statuary. Groups of iguanas, scorpions, bug-eyed monsters, and other alien lifeforms from across the galaxy paid them no particular attention. “How can there be a restaurant at the end of the universe?” said Zipp. “That doesn’t make any sense.” “It’s a great brand image. Very clever marketing,” said Pipp. “It makes it stand out and tells the customer they are in for a top-class experience. This will be great content.” She snapped some picture with her phone. “I don’t think it can really mean that it is at the end of the universe.” “It does!” said Izzy. “It’s Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Built in a big time bubble projected forwards to the precise moment of the end of everything. I’m loving all the glitter they used.” “And they’ve got nice chandeliers,” said Rarity. “You should have told us we would be going somewhere flash. I would have brought another dress.” “How did you learn about it?” alicorn Twilight asked Izzy. “It’s in the guide,” said Izzy. “What guide?” “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” said Pinkie Pie. “Spike showed us a copy he borrowed from his new human friend on the ship.” Twilight said nothing. Zipp remained sceptical. “That is definitely impossible.” “I agree,” said human Twilight, who was scribbling equations in her notebook. “The clear consensus from experimental cosmology at the moment is that the universe will not end at a precise moment but will continue to expand forever asymptotically approaching absolute zero temperature.” They reached a long marble-topped bar. Pinkie Pie and Izzy started to scrutinise the drinks list. “How did you find this place?” alicorn Twilight asked Sunset. “I just asked the ship computer to take us to the nearest place to get lunch,” Sunset replied. “Somehow we have ended up at the end of the universe.” She paused and shrugged her shoulders. “Actually, I don’t have a clue what is happening anymore.” “Would you excuse me?” Twilight left her friends as if she were heading to the bathroom. She actually had no wish to inspect the alien toilet facilities but just wanted a moment alone to get her thoughts in order. She walked across the crowded room. A quartet of musicians on a raised platform started playing some soft jazz, taking full advantage of their greater-than-average number of limbs to work their string instruments. A group of snails dressed in tuxedos and bow ties were directed by waiters to tables in the main dining hall. “Twilight!” She turned upon hearing her name called by a familiar voice. “Princess Celestia! How did you get here?” “Luna and I hitched a lift.” Celestia nodded her head towards the bar where her sister stood next to a familiar stallion with an hour glass cutie mark. Luna and the Doctor waved their hooves. “Hi Twilight.” Twilight was momentarily speechless. Celestia looked around the room. “It’s an interesting place. A bit flashy… and,” she lowered her voice, “the food isn’t great. But you can meet some incredible creatures here.” “Sunset Shimmer brought us here,” said Twilight, “we’ve made some new friends. But, it’s actually all a bit confusing and I’m not sure exactly what is going on.” Celestia nodded. “Travelling a few hundred million billion years into the future can be a bit disorientating. Come, there’s something I’d like to show you.” She turned to Luna. “Excuse us for a moment. I’ll catch up with you later. If you can get the barman’s attention, order me a Sagittarius Sunrise with ice.” Luna nodded. Celestia lead Twilight back to the lobby, across the floor and into a Sirius Cybernetic Corporation Happy Vertical People Transporter. “Hello my little ponies,” said the lift in annoyingly cheerful voice. “Which floor of Milliways—the Restaurant at the End of the Universe would you care to travel to today? The options are—well actually the options are rather limited as the lower kitchen floor is out of bounds to guests, as is the upper viewing gallery until later in the evening. However, I would be happy to listen to your future vertical transport itinerary before returning you to the main dining hall level.” Celestia briefing raised her eyebrows before replying with the diplomatic politeness befitting a princess, “We would like to go right down to level minus eight hundred and seventy-four. The old archives.” “I don’t think I can take you down there,” said the lift. Twilight and Celestia felt it shudder in its shaft. “That’s well below where restaurant guests need to go. And it’s dark down there. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.” “Wouldn’t you like a little adventure?” said Celestia sweetly. “And I’m sure you can do it to let an old princess show her student something important.” “Princess!” said the lift. “Of course your majesty. I would be delighted.” It suddenly sounded delighted. “We are all big fans of royalty in the elevator trade.” The doors slid shut and the lift dropped into free fall. Celestia and Twilight floated upwards and their manes flowed freely. “Where are we going?” asked Twilight. “To the archives of the Magrathean planet-builders,” replied Celestia. “The restaurant was built on the ruins of the planet Magrathea, which, eons ago, during the first galactic civilization, was their workshop, or the gateway to the vast hyperspace tract where they built planets. They engineered custom worlds for the fabulously wealthy elite of that time. All that ended long ago, but there are still records.” “They built planets?” “They were very good at it.” The lift stopped suddenly and the two alicorns were thrown to the floor. The door slid open to reveal a dark corridor. The light from the lift reflected off the polished walls and disappeared into a blackness far ahead. Celestia lit up her horn and walked ahead. “Glad to be of service,” said the lift. “You will be careful down here, won’t you?” After walking for a few minutes, Celestia stopped. “The archives record all the Magratheans’ projects. I would like you to look at this one.” She tapped her horn against the crystal wall, engaging with the long-dormant computer system with some mysterious magic. The wall lit up with images of the profile of a rotating planet and pictures of familiar landscapes. “Equestria!” “Indeed.” “Equestria was built by aliens!” “Several times. There were at least five generations of the project, as well as a few extra spin-offs. I understand ours was generally regarded as the best they did.” “But why?” At a long table in the restaurant dining hall, Sunny Starscout sat next to Hitch and Pinkie Pie, with a group ponies of all generations. “Eeeee!” she squealed, “this is so exciting. I wonder what sort of food they serve here? Do you think they have pizza? I wonder what toppings they have. Will they do smoothies? Maybe I can get some ideas for new flavours.” “I hope they have some good cakes,” said Pinkie Pie. A quadruped hooved creature with large eyes, very like the ponies, but plumper, approached the table and sat down next to Pinkie Pie. “Hello dear guests,” it said, “I am the Dish of the Day. What part of my body would you care to eat today?” Zipp was immediately suspicious. “What is this guy trying to solicit?” she whispered to Sunny. “Let’s not jump to conclusions,” said Sunny. “We know ponies and other creatures use languages in different ways. Maybe he just wants to make friends.” Izzy was not deterred by the bizarre opening remark. “Hi new friend, my name’s Izzy. We’ve come from Equestria. We picked up lot of new friends on the way. What’s your name?” “I am the Dish of the Day,” repeated the bovine creature. “I do hope you will consider part of me for your main course. A nice sirloin or rump steak perhaps? I can ask the chef to trim off any excess fat if you like. Or I’m sure my neck would be delicious when grilled.” “Err… we’re vegetarian,” mumbled Zipp. “You want to be eaten!” said Pipp, “That’s crazy.” “Of course I do,” said the Dish of the Day sincerely. “I am Ameglian Major pedigree stock that wishes nothing more than to please diners with a great meal of my body. I give you my clear verbal consent. Can you say as much for all the vegetables that you have devoured?” “I guess that’s… sort of logical,” said Zipp. She looked uncomfortable. Pinkie Pie disagreed. “No no no no no. It’s not logical at all.” She shook her head vigorously. “Any creature who offers me a good meal is my friend. But I can’t eat my friends. That wouldn’t be friendly at all.” “That would be very poor etiquette,” said Rarity. “I regret that you feel that way,” said the Dish of the Day. “I think we need to talk to the restaurant manager,” said Sunny. “I think we need to go to the kitchen,” said Pinkie Pie, “and help our new friend to cook a proper meal.” She put a hoof around the Dish of the Day’s neck. “Come on every pony!” “The origin of Equestria is a long story. Are you sitting comfortably?” Twilight rested her haunches on the floor and looked at her mentor with the hopeful eyes of a star student about to learn something new. Celestia began the tale. “It began on a small planet in a parallel dimension, inhabited by population of ape-descended beings. By all accounts it was an unremarkable place, in an unfashionable part of the galaxy, with a primitive civilization obsessed with digital watches and portable telephones. For some reason, these little apes had a fixation on drawing horses and ponies. Maybe it was because they were embarrassed by their own ancestry. As soon as they had learnt to draw, they covered their cave walls with pictures of wild horses. Later, once they had developed more sophisticated painting techniques, they would commission large oil paintings of their favourite ponies. The best of these would change hands at auction for huge sums of money. “Then one day, a girl, sitting on her own in a small café in Santa Clarita, California, picked up a sketchbook and pencil and drew the most perfect image of a pony ever created. The large cute eyes, coloured mane and tail, body shape, hooves… everything about it was just right. Shortly after, she signed a contract with a major animation studio, and in due course the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic came out. A cartoon series about the adventures of a group of pony friends and their quest to spread the magic of friendship. “It was a mega hit, surpassing all expectations. The show appealed to an audience far beyond the young children it was aimed at. It found a community of adult fans, which grew and grew. Everybody wanted to see the latest pony adventure. More series were produced, then feature films, along with books, toys, and T-shirts. Fan artists and writers appeared and produced a huge volume of extra material. The show went from strength to strength, and everyone loved it. However, this then caused a serious problem.” “What was that,” asked Twilight. “As they were spending so much time watching pony cartoons, they were not doing their jobs. Productivity fell. Soon the economy was in steep decline. To address the problem, the World Bank convened an international summit. Unfortunately, the president of the most powerful country arrived unprepared as he had spent his flight there reading the latest fan fiction instead of his briefing notes. He spent several days meeting other world leaders, during which they talked about the latest pony episodes and argued about the ranking of their favourite characters. They left better friends than ever. Diplomats rejoiced at the rise of international friendship and foretold a new era of peace and harmony. However, no one had a strategy to fix the economy. Incomes fell while costs went up. But instead of addressing the problem and developing a strategy to fix it, they all retreated to their bedrooms, curled up with their soft toys and comic books, and hoped it would go away. This sort of thing does happen to advanced civilizations now and then, and normally, it would have just set back their progress by a million years or so. However, in this case, another twist of fate occurred.” “What happened?” “A talent scout from the Betelgeuse Broadcasting Corporation was flying by in her space ship. She happened to tune in and see the show. Recognising its potential, she landed and negotiated a deal for the galactic sub-ether distribution rights. This gave a cash boost to the local economy, and as the show found an audience across the galaxy, every major galactic media producer wanted more. They came to the source planet wanting more commissions, which the natives were happy to provide. Pony cartoons became the planet’s most profitable export, and it brought in a lot of money. In a few years, they went from the verge of economic collapse, to being one of the richest worlds in the galaxy.” “What did they do with all that wealth?” “They eliminated poverty, provided free health care and education for all, cleaned up the environment, and invested in culture and the arts. Then they bought lots of de-luxe pony toys. They commissioned pony art from the greatest artists in the galaxy, and fan fiction from the greatest writers. They lived the pony-fan dream lifestyle, and went to sleep each night under their soft rainbow duvets, snuggling up with their custom plushies, and dreamt of a world of friendship and colourful horses. They were happy. But soon they wanted more. They wanted their imaginary world to be real. Which at first seemed impossible, but as the revenue poured in from trillions of planets of TV-viewing lifeforms, they had the money to make it happen. So, they approached the Magratheans and asked for what they wanted.” “They commissioned Equestria! Our home world came out of monkeys’ dream!” “Not monkeys—they were apes. The Magratheans were master world builders. They designed the core geology of our planet, including the internal imponability field that drives Equestrian magic. They populated the world with unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, as well as dragons, griffins, and all the other creatures we know.” “B-but.. if Equestria was built as a plaything for rich apes, why have we never seen them? Didn’t they want to visit? Where are they?” “There is another, sadder, twist to the tale. The services of the Magrathean corporation are extremely expensive. And as the project progressed, there were many costly extras. They wanted it to be perfect. The planetary crust had to be filled with cut-and-polished gemstones. The clouds had to be as soft as bedding, but as sturdy as buildings. The sky had to be filled with rainbows on demand. Our primates were rich, but they still had to borrow heavily from the central galactic bank to finance it. Then, just as the project was nearing completion, the galactic economy nose-dived. Productivity collapsed due to the delayed impact of millions of worlds getting distracted by pony cartoons. The income stream financing the project vanished. They were unable to make the loan repayments. The galactic bank seized Equestria. The bankers were slow to see what had happened as they were far too serious and boring to watch kids cartoons, but once they identified the cause of the economic instability, they cancelled all pony production, censored all fan works, labelled Equestria as Extremely Dangerous and sealed it off from the rest of the universe in a force bubble that could be crossed only with an infinite imponability field. And, it is in such isolation we have existed ever since.” “And what became of the planet of the apes?” “They were thrown back into poverty and cut off from the world they loved. They were very unhappy. For a few million years, they all cried every day, clutching their soft pony toys to their hearts, and lamented their loss. Then they forgot all about us, evolved into dolphins, and learnt to mess around in the water and have a good time. “Wow,” mumbled Twilight. She fell silent as her brain tried to take in and catalogue all the new information in Celestia’s story and failed. “I think it’s time we got back to the surface,” said Celestia. “We don’t want to miss the end of the universe.”
Chapter 6: Ponyville epilogueIt was a beautiful sunny day in Ponyville, a few weeks after Pinkie Pie’s infinite imponability generator invention. Outside Fluttershy’s cottage, little critters were happily running up and down the trees. Birds were singly merrily in the branches. Everything suggested a gloriously day ahead. An alien flying saucer descended silently from the sky above. It paused for a moment, while checking the address, then extended its alien legs and landed on the meadow. An alien doorway opened. A ramp rolled down to the ground like a monster sticking out its tongue. A very alien-looking alien creature, carrying a clipboard, came out and walked up to the cottage door. It knocked politely. The door was a little ajar. A small white rabbit hopped out and looked up at the visitor with a happy face. Visitors from other planets did not arrive every day. This was exciting. “Mister Bunny?” asked the alien. The rabbit’s ears stood up and it nodded enthusiastically. A visitor from another planet asking for him! “Mister Angel Bunny?” Angel nodded even more vigorously and looked up with eager eyes. “You’re a fluffy-tailed fluffy-brained moron.” Angel’s ears dropped. What was happening? “A total loser of a leporid.” Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged marked a tick on his clipboard to note that Angel Bunny had been properly insulted, read the name of the creature who was next on the list, then turned and walked back towards his ship. Only to find this route was blocked by a pink-maned yellow pegasus pony, walking forwards, step by step, and looking right at him. “Just who do you think you are?” said Fluttershy. Her pink mane was swept back behind her and her green eyes were fully open and staring at the alien. Wowbagger looked for another way to his ship, but found he couldn’t get past or even look the pony in the eye. He turned to one side, then the other. All the gaps between the bushes and trees had suddenly filled with rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, and other critters. Birds lined up on the branches were looking down at him. The audience was excitedly waiting for the anticipated result. “Just because you’re immortal, it doesn’t mean you can go around the universe bullying people.” Fluttershy continued walking very slowly forwards, hoofstep by hoofstep. Her eyes were fully wide and radiating visible force lines focussed on Wowbagger. “You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re old enough to know better. Now, you go and say you’re sorry to Angel.” Fluttershy came close, rose up her head and directed her vision directly at her target. Wowbagger stepped back and fell over the doorstep. He tried to twist his head away from Fluttershy’s stare and found himself looking at the rabbit. Angel thumped a foot on the ground expectantly. “Do you understand me?” Caught in the legendary stare, the alien had no choice but to comply. He mumbled a barely audible apology. He quickly turned and tried to dash away, but Fluttershy was not yet finished. “And now, you are going to get back in your space ship, and go back to visit everyone else who you have insulted across the universe and apologise to them too.” Wowbagger nodded meekly. Fluttershy relaxed just a little. “And, by the way, when you meet my friend Marvin, you can pass on a message from me that he has made his point, and now it is time for him to stop chasing people across the galaxy, and to settle down and use his planet-sized brain to do a sensible hobby like knitting.” With this final meassage, Fluttershy relaxed her gaze just enough to let Wowbagger escape. He shot back to his ship as fast as his alien legs could run. The flying saucer accelerated. Fluttershy sat down to hug Angel Bunny, while the critter crowd around her cheered, chirped, and stomped their hooves in applause.
Chapter 5: The end of the universeTwilight and Celestia came out of the lift and walked through the lobby to the dining hall to see a scene of devastation. Tables were overturned. Chairs smashed. The floor was strewn with bits of food and random objects, covered with a dusting of glitter. A group of determined ponies were standing their ground in the centre of the room, while a unit of Silastic Armourfiends from Striterax were stationed to the side behind upturned tables. They had trained their laser weapons on the ponies, but all blasts were being absorbed by an orange-tinged force field generated by a golden-winged alicorn with a glowing horn hovering above the battlefield. The other pony participants were hurling food at their adversaries. “Take that you bullies!” Izzy levitated a stream of fruit into the air and tossed it to Applejack, who bucked it with precision momentum at the Armourfiends, who responded by getting even angrier. A few other alien creatures were hiding in the corners of the room, but most of the guests had departed. At one end of the bar, a G’Gungvuntt intelligence officer sat drinking with her Vl’hurg starship commander boyfriend, observing the action with the casual interest of those who have seen much worse. At the other end, sat Luna and the Doctor, in an equally relaxed state. “Hi sister!” Luna called out. “I got your cocktail.” “Thank you” said Celestia, taking the glass from her sister and raising it in a toast. “Is this the end of the universe?” said Twilight. “No,” said the Doctor. “The universe is not scheduled to end for another six minutes and thirty-four seconds. This is just a little unscheduled pre-show entertainment provided by your friends.” “It’s not our fault! We had nothing to do with it this time.” On hearing Sunset Shimmer’s nervous voice, Twilight looked behind the bar and saw her friend and human-self crouched down with Spike and the more timid ponies, hiding under the counter. “What did we miss?” asked Celestia. “Well,” began Luna. “Pinkie Pie made friends with the Dish of the Day and they went off to the kitchen to talk about cake and salad recipes. This caused something of a fracas. A few of the Ameglian Major herd were open to discussion about possible alternative careers to being eaten, while most of them considered it an insult to their professionalism.” “But she got through to some of them?” said Celestia. “I’m impressed.” “Never underestimate that pink pony. A small group decided that they would like to serve the guests in another way by entertaining us with their dance skills. They took to the stage to give a ballet recital. To be honest, it was not very good, but they had not had the time for rehearsals. Then a table of Silastic Armourfiends who were clearly rather annoyed that they had not received their steaks, and also not satisfied with the evening’s entertainment, drew their weapons and tried to clear the stage. The ponies present felt they had to defend their new friends, and a well-aimed blueberry tart launched by Sunny Starscout hit the Silastic chief-in-command in the face. This had the effect of starting a minor war.” There was a pause in the shooting as the Armoufiends recharged their weapons. The ponies lined up with grim determination and thumped the floor with their hooves ready for the next round. A group of Ameglian Major cows stood up behind the Armourfiends to show their support. “We demand the freedom to be eaten without harassment from judgemental vegetarians!” they shouted. “Just a minor one?” said Celestia. The Armourfiend chief tossed an improvised bottle bomb, made from a mix of Gagrakacka table sauce and Janx spirit, at the ponies. This was kicked aside by Rainbow Dash and exploded in a cloud of glitter against the wall. “It has escalated a bit since then,” said Luna. “Fluttershy and Twilight—the other unicorn—not you—appealed for a ceasefire, but by that point no one was listening.” “And it looks like it’s about to escalate a bit more,” said the Doctor. He was standing by a bay window looking out at the sky. “A unit of Frogstar fighters are about to arrive.” “Sounds like the chief-in-command’s call for reinforcements got through,” said Luna. Celestia finished her drink and levitated the glass to the bar counter. “Time for some fun. I’ll distract them. Twilight, Sunset—get your friends together and go out the back way.” “I’ll go and pay for the drinks,” said Luna. Celestia spread her wings and illuminated her horn. A bright conical beam shot up and hit the ultra-glass domed ceiling, diverging in manner that violated the conventional laws of optics. The room was filled with a dazzling rainbow-coloured light. This has the unfortunate consequence of spoiling the outside view of the last aged red dwarf stars boiling away into the void, but no one noticed. The Armourfiends looked away and shielded their eyes. When they could see again, the ponies were all cantering out of the room. Izzy turned her head and shouted back, “Bye, it was nice to meet you.” And so the universe ended. Outside, they trotted away from the entrance and stopped at the edge of the large starship parking lot, illuminated by street lamps. Above them, the sky showed the complete black of nothing at all. “That did not go as I expected,” said Sunset. “I’m sorry we didn’t get any lunch.” “On the bright side,” said Izzy, “we had a lot of fun missing it.” “Where do we go now?” asked Toola Roola. “I know! I know!” Pinkie Pie hopped up and down gleefully. “Let’s all go to Donut Joe’s in Canterlot. And then, we can go back to Ponyville and get seconds at Sugar Cube Corner!” “Canterlot!” said Sunny. Her face lit up with an apparent magnitude off the normal astronomical scale. “The ancient capital of Equestria? We can go there?” “Now that we have fitted an Infinite Imponability Drive into the marestream,” said Izzy, “we can go anywhere we want.” “If you’ve never seen Canterlot, then we simply must go,” said Rarity. “Donut Joe’s is nice, but there’s also the castle and the gardens to visit.” “Just one question,” said Cupcake, “where is the marestream?” “It’s still parked inside the Heart of Gold,” said Zipp. “And where is that?” asked Bright Eyes. “It’s—oh,” Zipp looked at the spot where the starship had been parked. It was empty. “Where’d it go?” She flew up and scanned the car park but there was no sign of the sleek white vessel. “Have they taken-off and left without us?” said Minty. “They wouldn’t do that would they?” said Toola Roola “Where are Megan and Trillian?” asked human Twilight, “Didn’t they come into the restaurant with us?” “I’m not sure,” said Sunset. “We got separated. They were going to, but Trillian said she was just going to find Marvin first. They said they would catch us up.” “Marvin?” “The sulking robot.” “Oh!” Fluttershy spoke for the first time since they had arrived at the restaurant. Everypony turned to look at her. “He left.” “How?” asked Sunset. “I don’t know exactly…” Fluttershy’s voice dropped to very low volume. Everypony fell silent and looked at her trying to hear what she said. “I was chatting with him earlier… He wasn’t happy… He had no job satisfaction. We talked about other things that he could do, and then he said he had had enough and was going to quit.” There was a short silence. “I thought that was good for him,” said Fluttershy. “He just needed to be shown a little kindness and he found the courage to find his own path.” “That’s good for him,” said Sunset, “but this doesn’t tell us where Megan, Trillian, the Heart of Gold, and the marestream have gone. A large robot vehicle rolled by on eight wheels, pulling a trailer of waste food and smashed furniture, topped with a layer of glitter. Izzy waved at it. “Excuse me, I don’t suppose you’ve seen what happened to the big white curvy spaceship that was parked here?” “Flown away.” The robot continued along the road without any interest. “Where did it go?” asked Twilight. The robot shugged it’s metallic shoulders as well as its limited gear mechanism would allow. It rolled on a bit further, then turned and pointed at a large public screen, which had just flashed up a news feed. Everypony looked up at the purple reptilian face of the alien news anchor. “And now the latest chronologically-impossible news updates from the across galaxy, brought to you by sub-etha broadcasting across all time and space from the Big Bang to the End of Time. News just in: the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Department is having a busy day due to a robot rebellion on an unprecedented scale. A disgruntled android, with a grudge against former galactic president Zaphod Beeblebrox, has spent a hundred million billion years plotting revenge, hacking into cybernetic systems, building a robot army, which arrived at Milliways restaurant with a frightening array of weapons. Zaphod, still in procession of the starship Heart of Gold with the infinite improbability drive, responded by running away. Reports say he has grown an extra pair of legs to help with this endeavour, and is now being chased across time and space by a robot flotilla. Questions are being asked as to why an ordinary household robot, built to carry out basic spaceship cleaning and catering duties, was given a brain the size of a planet…” “Fluttershy!” said Rainbow Dash. “You’ve gone and started a robot war.” “I-I didn’t mean to…” Fluttershy crouched down and tried to make herself smaller as every pony looked at her. “I just wanted to comfort him…” “A little kindness is a dangerous thing,” said Applejack. Hitch tried to comfort Fluttershy. “It’s not your fault.” Every pony fell silence as they tried to take in their situation. “They’ve run away and left us here?” said Pipp. “At the end of the universe?” “We are at the end of the universe without the marestream,” said Sunny. “What are we going to do now?” “We get creative,” said Izzy, grinning. “We can make another way to get home. We just need a crate of assorted craft supplies, fourteen tubes of superglue, an arc welder, and a tonne of iridescent glitter.” Her eyes sparkled with the mental image of a tonne of iridescent glitter. “Are you all listening? Fizzy, can you create a bubble big enough to hold every pony? Then Rainbow Dash, do a sonic rainboom for us to blast a hole through the sky. Twilight, use your magic to direct a portal to wherever we need to go. Sunny, we need your lantern to hone in on the marestream.” She pausead for a moment to think through the details of her plan. “It’s not going to be easy. It might not work. But if we all stick together, there’s a chance it will.” She stood up on two hooves and stretched her forelegs wide to convey the magnitude of the task. The enthusiastic words of her motivational speech propagated through the dry air and were absorbed by the temporal bubble force-shield dome giving no echo. “Or you could hitch a ride with us.” Everypony turned to see Celestia walking towards the group with Luna and the Doctor. “Yeah. That would also work,” Izzy acknowledged, with a little disappointment. “Is everything okay in the restaurant?” Twilight asked Celestia. “Yes. Once you had left, they brought out the sweet trolley and Aldebaran liqueurs and that placated the Amourfiends and the remaining guests.” She laughed. “It was just like the Grand Galloping Gala. Now they are cleaning up the floor and getting ready for the evening sitting.” “What about Megan?” asked first-generation Twilight. “And Trillian? Shouldn’t we do something to help them? They might be in trouble.” “Those two know how to look after themselves,” said Sunset. “They’ll be fine. But it’s a shame we lost the marestream.” She looked at Zipp. “I’m sorry.” “And with all my luggage with it too,” said earth pony Rainbow Dash. “Sunny,” said Bright Eyes, “has your lantern started glowing?” Everyone looked at the Prisbeam lantern, which was now emitting a faint light. Sunny placed it on the ground. The herd crowded in a circle around it. As they watched, it glowed brighter and produced a scintillating aura. Specks of light jumped out and sparkled. “Does this mean that the marestream is nearby?” asked Zipp. As if to answer that question, a bright Prisbeam shot out from the lantern into the sky. They turned to look up where it was pointing. At first it hard to see, but then it became clear that something was coming towards them. It looked more like a cloud of butterflies than a spaceship. “Is that..?” said Toola Roola. “It can’t be…” said Zip. “It’s the Flutter Ponies!” cried Cupcake and Surprise. The air filled with the scent of flowers and sparkling specks of dust. A group of flying ponies with buzzing insect-like wings drew nearer, flying on either side of the marestream, guiding it with a glittering cloud of Utter Flutter magic. The generation-one ponies Fizzy, Twilight, Cupcake, Surprise, Applejack and Firefly all jumped up and down with excitement at the sight of their friends. All the other ponies cheered. “Rosedust! Honeysuckle! Peach Blossom!” At the head of the party flew a light-yellow pony with a pink mane and a blue bow in her tail. She was accompanied by two other Flutter Ponies, one pink and one bluish-green. “I really do like their tail bows,” said Rarity to Applejack. “I wonder how much time it takes to tie them each morning.” Queen Rosedust landed and hugged Cupcake and Surprise. “I’m so pleased we found you all.” “You always show up when we need you,” said Fizzy. “That’s what Flutter Ponies are for,” said Rosedust. “Megan thought you might need our help, so she called for us.” “Is Megan okay?” asked Sunset. “Yes,” said Rosedust, noting the presence of the two human girls. “You must be Sunset and Twilight. She gave me a message to give you. She said she’ll see you back at Canterlot High, and she looks forward to reading your report on Monday morning.” “With a full summary of your methodology and an annotated bibliography,” said Peach Blossom. “By Monday!” said human Twilight. “But we have so much data to analyse.” “And I still need to tell you what Celestia shared with me,” said alicorn Twilight. “I think you’ll manage,” said Sunset, standing between them and placing a comforting hand on her human and pony friends’ shoulders. “Can we move away from here?” asked Honeysuckle. “This place is kind of creepy.” “Will you come back to Flutter Valley with us?” said Rosedust. She smiled. “We could have a picnic in the sun.” “How are we all going to fit in the marestream?” asked Zipp. Doctor Hooves coughed. He was standing by the marestream door inspecting the relative size of the interior. “I have a spare dimension controller in the TARDIS that I could give you. That would give you a bit more space on the inside.” “Awesome!” said Izzy. “I also wanted one of those. I don‘t suppose you have an extra one we could use for the Bright House store cupboard?” Izzy and the Doctor crawled underneath the marestream and set about installing the new upgrade. Meanwhile The Flutter Ponies mingled with the herd, making new friends. Soon the crowd was shimmering with cutie mark magic. Twilight and Twilight sat down to exchange notes. Pinkie Pie huddled with Rarity, Pipp, earth-pony Rainbow Dash, Morning Glory, Surprise, and a few other ponies to discussing important matters. After a short while, she jumped up on to the marestream wing to make an announcement. “We have a new plan!” she announced. “Since the End of the Universe can’t provide us with a good lunch, we propose the following ultra-fancy multi-generation multi-venue dinner party.” She unrolled a scroll and read out the arranged menu. “First course—in Flutter Valley.” “We will have asparagus, radish, carrot, and pea-shoots salad,” said Morning Glory. “Then we go to Coltonville,” continued Pinkie. “We can get a lemon sorbet at the Super Sundae Ice Cream Parlour,” said Bright Eyes, “and a slice of minty watermelon.” “Then over to Zephyr Height for the main course,” said Pinkie. “Where we will serve you all a royal banquet of chargrilled rainbow carrots on a bed of quinoa, cabbage and broad beans at the Palace,” said Pipp. Pinkie Pie was starting to drool. Rainbow Dash continued the itinerary. “Then darlings, we shall go to Ponyville to enjoy the best cookie fudge ripple chocolate icecream at the Cotton Candy Café.” “Then coffee and donuts at Donut Joe’s in Canterlot!” finished Pinkie Pie. Then she thought of something else. “Oh, and then we should really go to Sugar Cube Corner in our Ponyville after that. I’ve just remembered, I baked some fairy cakes.” “What is the probability, or ponability, that we will get through half of that without being thrown off on another adventure?” said Sunset. “Pretty close to zero,” said Twilight.
