I'm normal, Twilight!

by Udahyas

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nurse Redheart
Length: 4670

Human has been in Equestria for some time now. But, he has several problems. And the main one is the purple alicorn, which is very keenly aware of the concept of "normal" behaviour

Alex. Fifteen years old. He got into Equestria a couple of months ago and has already been able to adapt quite well. At least he has a house and money. Unfortunately, he has several problems. For example, ponies almost never pronounce his name correctly. But among all the problems, there is the most serious one. Twilight Sparkle and her special attention to Alex's behavior. And today she crossed the line. Will Alex be able to get Twilight to leave him alone today?

Published 2024-01-04 15:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-01-04 15:50:01 UTC

No, you're not.

"This is where you're going to work. Come in, I'll show you around." Said the man next to me. He was wearing a red shirt with a yellow letter on it. The diner. Where I have to work as a cashier to survive. Well, because you need money to live. Oh.

Work. Is there a scarier word than that?

My hands began to tremble slightly when I looked at the diner to which a man in red clothes was beckoning me. I don't even know what scares me more about this place. By the fact that it beckons me to break my diet every time, or that I will work here?

Although, no, the answer is obvious. The fact of working here is too scary. So, uh, escape. Yes, problems cannot catch up with a person with fast feet. Besides, I run every day! Well, maybe not every day, but once a week I run. Well, if a week is thirty days. Uh, it doesn't matter.

Nodding slightly to myself, I slowly turned around on the spot and began to leave as if everything was fine. If I act naturally, he won't suspect anything. Oh, how smart I am.

Unfortunately, the employee of the diner was not impressed and he asked confusedly: "Hey, where are you going? You still have an eight-hour day ahead of you. Don't you want to enjoy it?"

Thank you for reminding me why the word work is so scary. I almost forgot.

Without saying anything, I continued walking forward and didn't even turn around. Hmm, everything ahead looks so blurry and strange. Could it be a dream? Hmm.

No, I'm just too nervous about the prospect of working anywhere. Yes, that's right. I'm one hundred and twenty percent sure of that. Well, maybe a little less.

Alas, after a few seconds of silence, the voice spoke again, but this time it sounded somewhat feminine: "Alex, you know that you need to go there. You just need it. Admit it."

Hmm? Some familiar voice. I immediately feel some kind of irritation and even despair. Mm, no, I'll just move on.

Nodding to myself, I continued walking forward and even started whistling while looking at the sky. It looked kind of weird. It's like it's a parody of the real sky. A child's drawing. Well, a Leonardo Da Vinci painting compared to my drawings.

Suddenly, the voice became completely feminine and said, "Axe, get up! Sleeping as much as you do is harmful. Especially for human!"

Axe. I turned around abruptly and said, frowning: "I'm not a deodorant!"

After I said that, my eyes found a familiar unicorn in front of me, oops, I meant the alicorn. She was wearing glasses, her hair was tied up in a bun at the back of her head for some reason, and a pen and a notebook were hanging in her magical grip. Wow, she's accepting her role as a psychologist too early today. She usually at least waits for me to wake up on my own.

Well, I guess when I was offered to live with her for free, I should have suspected something. But I thought they were going to connect tubes with me or something. I certainly didn't expect Twilight to consider absolutely everything I do to be a psychological aberration!

Rubbing my eyes slightly, I asked with a heavy sigh: "Please remind me why I live with you."

She paused for a moment before answering with a shrug: "Because everyone else demanded at least some work from you in return for housing. I just wanted to explore you."

"I thought you would attach tubes to me every few months. Or, I do not know, to check how much magic there is about me. Well, as a last resort, you will give me injections. I was counting on anything but this. " I said with a disappointed sigh. When a purple alicorn says he wants to explore you, what's the first thing that pops into a normal person's head?

Well, anything but the daily stories that I'm crazy. I need to enter a list of how many times I have spoken: "I'm normal, Twilight!"

Putting my hand on my forehead, I ruefully laid my head on the pillow and said with my eyes closed: "This was the most fatal mistake I've ever made. Well, this comes right after the time when I wanted to see the reaction of mentos and Cola in my mouth. It turned out to be some kind of cringe. "

Not appreciating my theatrical skills in any way, Twilight quickly flipped through her notebook and after a few seconds quietly said: " Yeah, she uses fake words of her own authorship. I noted this three weeks ago. Um, did some entity suggest these words to you?"

Yes, according to Twilight, words like cringe are a sign, I do not know, of schizophrenia? As I understand it, some pony words simply do not exist. And the argument about the Internet and the difference in culture does not work. Why? Look.

Sighing, I slowly sat up in bed and quickly looked around the room. I slept in the basement of her library house. How comfortable is it? Well, it's definitely housing. I even have a bed that is quite a bit small for me. Besides, this is a place that I didn't have to work for a single second! And that's the most important thing.

Shaking my head slightly, I picked up a white shirt from the floor and putting it on myself said: "Cringe is a word that has become a meme, well, from the Internet. The Internet is like a web between a bunch of devices. Well, sort of."

"Yeah. Please answer one question, but be honest. Is this web in the same room with us now? " Twilight asked, quickly switching her gaze between me and her notebook. See? It's like the Internet is some kind of creature that provokes me and other people to do stupid things. That's definitely not the case.

Uh, don't think about it. You'd better think about what to do with her. Well, how to survive another day in Equestria. Of course, it would be possible to work with your head to find a final solution with Twilight. But work is too scary a word.

Sighing, I quickly got out of bed and headed for the stairs. It's good that I sleep in my pants. What else should I do if I'm woken up every day with a mini horse that thinks I'm crazy sick? The question is rhetorical. On the way, I quickly turned over in my head what to do. It would be nice to eat. Preferably somewhere else. Twilight is always preparing for everything, so I'll have a little break. It's good that I have my own money earned not by hard work. How did I get them?

Well, the ponies don't have a lot of things that humans have. There are no televisions, internet, airplanes, diesel engines, firearms, and so on and so forth. With a little work, you can create an incredible business that will advance the local civilization for hundreds of years ahead. And provide me with food and fame.

A black marker. Yes, I invented, gave some popularity and patented a black marker. Which I had with me when I got to Equestria, but shh, it's a secret. I am a brilliant inventor. How much money does it bring me? Well, I can eat and I can fill my pillow with so much gold that it will make a funny noise.

Oh, I remembered how I jumped face down on that pillow. It was very painful. Physically. Then Twilight considered this case as my attempt to harm myself and diagnosed me with deep depression. It was a critical moral damage.

I took a deep breath when I heard the rapid hoofbeats behind me. As expected and disappointing at the same time. Shaking my head, I climbed the last step and walked into the main part of the library. Today, as usual, there was no mess. Everything is perfect. Thanks to Twilight's number one assistant. Spike.

Noticing that he was once again laying out books, I shook my head slightly. Poor kid, he works every day. I won't wish this on anyone. Especially to myself.

Heading for the exit door, I raised my hand and said, without looking at the interlocutor: "Yo, Spike."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed how he also raised his hand without looking in my direction and said: "Yo, Alex. You're early today. It's only eleven o'clock in the morning."

Morning!? No, this is too much. Waking me up so early is criminal! I have to deal with Twilight today. By the power of his mighty intellect.

Nodding slightly, I wrapped my hand around the door handle and said, turning to the dragon: "Spike, how many times have I thanked you for pronouncing my name correctly?"

"About ten times this week alone. And today is Tuesday." Spike said with a little laugh. Well, I'd say it again if I wasn't in such a hurry. Sighing, I opened the door and took a step outside.

Snow, cold and disappointment. Oh, yes, that's right, it's winter. And just because ponies can control the weather doesn't mean that this terrible time of year can be undone.

It's good that Rarity made me a lot of clothes when I first got here. The bad thing was that she demanded sewing help for her stay. "You can at least submit materials when I ask." Rarity suggested it then. At least submit the materials. It's practically a job as a loader!

Sighing, I took a step back and took my bright blue jacket off the hanger. Unfortunately, Rarity refused to make me black clothes. Well, I should probably thank her for the free clothes. But I won't.

Grinning, I started to put on my jacket and for some reason my gaze fell on the table in the center of the room. There was an astronomical amount of gold coins on it. There are seven of them. Squinting, I slowly looked around. Spike is busy with books. Twilight is nowhere to be seen at all. She probably hasn't come out of the basement yet. Looking away, I took a quiet step and quickly grabbed all the bits before putting them in my pocket.

"Yeah. Kleptomania. I hadn't noticed that before." Twilight's voice came from above me. Lifting my head up, I saw how she was flapping her wings very quietly and kept in the air right near the ceiling. How can she do it so quietly?

Um, it doesn't matter. I probably need to put the money back. And say something smart in response.

After returning the money to the table, I looked up at Twilight and said, wagging my finger: "Actually, kleptomania is an obsessive desire to commit theft without a selfish purpose. I can benefit from stealing money, that is, it is a selfish goal."

In response, Twilight only landed on the stairs and looked up from her notebook before saying with a grin, "Actually, it's hard to call it a benefit. For seven bits, can you buy, I don't know, three and a half tomatoes? And anyway, your attempt to justify yourself is obviously a stage of denial. Sooner or later you will be able to accept your deviations, Axe."

Oh, I still don't understand why ponies can't call me normal. For some reason, only Spike is capable of this.

Losing my patience, I kicked the ground and said, clenching my hands into fists: "First of all, I am not a deodorant. My name is Alex, ALEX! And secondly, I'm normal. Just stop doing nonsense and admit it. I'm normal, Twilight!"

There was absolute silence in the room for a while. Taking advantage of the moment, I turned to the open door and was about to take the first step when I was interrupted by Twilight's chuckle followed by the words: "You forgot your shoes, Axe. Oh, I wanted to say Alex."

I opened my eyes and looked at my leg. She was wearing only socks. Yes, I sleep in socks and pants. Consider yourself almost fully clothed. Shaking my head, I turned around and quickly began to put on my shoes. Unfortunately, Twilight took advantage of the moment and said coming closer to me: "Just listen to me a little bit. I'm trying to help you. Look at how many psychological disorders I have counted in you in just a month and a half during which you have been living with me."

Reluctantly looking up, I looked at the notebook that she turned to me. How many dignos were there? Probably more than I know any words at all. Hmm, I don't even know what to say in response. Oh, wait, there's a black marker in my jacket pocket. I could draw something for them on this notebook.

Hmm, sounds like an idea.

While I was thinking, Twilight puts a hoof to her chest and said, closing her eyes, "Just understand, Ax, Alex. You have a lot of deviations and it is better to detect them right now in order to correct them in the future. Otherwise, it will be too late. And I'm responsible for you. Well, because you're fifteen, you're underage. Under..."

" I don't understand what you're talking about. Judging by what you wrote in your notebook, I am absolutely healthy and you admit it by quoting me. " I said, closing the marker and returning it to my pocket. Twilight opened her eyes in surprise and looked at her notebook where it was written what I said earlier. I'm normal, Twilight!

While Twilight was confused, I turned around and ran outside without closing the door behind me. Lifting my knees high, I ran forward in an attempt to distance myself from danger as much as possible. I need time to come up with a super-ingenious plan. Well, about as good as the one where I patented the marker, having previously made it relatively popular in Ponyville.

We can do something. For example, take a bucket of cold water. . .

My thoughts were interrupted by a rumbling in my stomach. Yeah, I woke up five minutes ago and I'm already hungry. I looked ahead at the local pastry shop. Of course, I have a diet to be thin and all that. But this is the closest place I can eat. And anyway, today is Tuesday, almost Wednesday, almost the middle of the week. We can take a little break from all this nonsense.

Nodding to myself, I felt the pockets of my coat. Left pocket, black marker and that's it. So there will be a bag of money in the right pocket. My right hand quickly reached out and found nothing. No, no, it's okay. The money must be in his pants somewhere. The left one is empty. Right... empty. Gritting my teeth, I stopped running and said with my hand to my face: "Oh f..."

Suddenly, I felt something strange on my lips. It is warm, covered with wool, but very hard at the same time. When I took my hand away from my face, I saw Pinkie Pie in front of me. I'd be surprised where she came from. But I think one thousand four hundred and eighty-seven times is enough for me. Well, because there are some bad things coming next.

Suddenly Pinkie frowned and said, looking up at me, "Don't think about it, the rating doesn't allow it."

Rating? What? Who? What for?

Noticing my confusion, Pinkie Pie continued, "What if some kid sees you thinking about something bad? Or how do you say bad words? It's going to be very, very bad."

Looking around, I noticed that there was no one on the street. Well, yes, who will leave a cozy house in such weather? Returning to Pinkie again, I asked confusedly, "Well, there are no children around. And anyway, why haven't you reacted in any way in the past few days? I was calmly saying not the best words."

"Oh, silly, because today is your most important day! Well, at the moment, this is generally the only important day that you have. So today you need to be funny and most importantly not rude. But don't worry, Aunt Pinkie Pie will keep an eye on you with this! " Pinkie said with a giggle before pulling a white book out of her mane.

I should probably shrug my shoulders and say, "This is Pinkie." Yes, I will do that. Now is the best time to do this.

Nodding slightly, I briefly looked back before returning to Pinkie and asking, "Anyway, do you know how to make Twilight leave me alone? I was woken up at eleven o'clock this morning, it's terrible!"

Pinkie put the white book back in her mane before awkwardly tilting her head to the side and replying, "Well, actually, Axe, Twilight's concerns are absolutely justified. You are really very very strange. "

" Am I strange? "

" Yes you are. "

" Aren't you strange? "

" No, I'm just Pinkie. " She replied absolutely calmly. Yeah, it's not going to get you anywhere. And I need to find a way to at least some delicious food.

Hey, Pinkie seems to work in a candy store. Maybe she hid cupcakes in her mane. Well, just because she can?

Before I could say anything, I heard the sound of hooves on the ground and the scratch of a pen on paper behind me. I sighed heavily as Twilight stopped writing for a second and said: "Hi, Pinkie. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just want to make sure Axe is within the rating!" Pinkie replied excitedly, starting to bounce on the spot. I remind you, it's just me who's strange.

Twilight briefly cleared her throat in response and said almost emotionlessly, "So, where were you going to go, Axe?"

"Without taking any money with you? Probably nowhere. I replied with a deep sigh. Well, I guess the risk of d...

" Rating, Axe, rating. " Pinkie said, standing on her hind hooves and covering my mouth with her hand. Oh, are you kidding me!?

Calm down. Breath. Exhale. If Pinkie wants me to be as innocent as possible today, then fine. I just need to know what not to say.

Taking a small step back, I bent down to Pinky's face and asked, slowly gesturing, "Pinky, please tell me what I'm not allowed to say. I really want to stay in the ranking you're talking about."

"Are your hands trying to hit Pinkie but you're having a hard time holding them back? Or is it just an attempt at passive aggression? " Twilight asked before Pinkie answered and had already started writing in her notebook. Yeah, now you can't even gesture.

While I was holding back my irritation, Pinkie pulled the white book out of her mane again and began flipping through it quickly. She opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly frowned. What happened? Is this trolling?

Wait, how can she tell me what exactly is breaking the rating without breaking it herself?

Well, it looks like Pinky is in a paradox. This robot is broken, bring the next one. With a grunt, I turned around and looked down at Twilight. She just kept writing in her notebook. Zero reaction. Does she really get so much information from the fact of how I stand?

As if answering my question, Twilight began muttering to herself, "Yeah, the proud pose of a schizophrenic with delusional ideas of greatness. Everything fits with past diagnoses."

Sighing, I put my hands on my hips and asked directly: "What needs to happen for you to stop bothering me?"

"Admit that you have problems. You've already started doing this, Axe. Your tantrum today is the second stage of acceptance. So accept your problems. And preferably go to a local psychologist. Twilight replied calmly without taking her eyes off the notebook.

It's even too easy. I'll just go to a psychologist and they'll tell me that I'm completely normal. Another victory for me.

After standing in place for a while, I looked at Twilight with a sad look and began to speak pleadingly: "Well, please. Let me do something else. I will help with, I do not know, cleaning or even cooking! Not that I know how to do any of these things."

Twilight was silent for a while and looked at me with narrowed eyes. A second before I decided to fall to my knees, Twilight laughed, stopping me. Noticing my confused look, she slightly waved her hoof and said in an apologetic tone: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I understand that you tried very hard, Ax, Alex, Alex. But this is just ridiculous! "

Frowning, I asked hopefully, " Well, can you take me to a psychologist? For him or her to say that I'm actually fine. "

After a moment of silence, Twilight nodded slowly and said, " Okay, okay. Are we going to go to the hospital together and get you some food on the way, or should we just teleport there? "

The first and last time I was teleported ended very unpleasantly. But I haven't eaten today, so my stomach just can't empty any more. That's how it works, right?

After a short silence, I took a deep breath and said, closing my eyes in advance: "Teleport us there. Then I'll go to the library and buy some food somewhere."

Twilight didn't say anything in response, but I heard a specific sound indicating that her horn had lit up. In the next few minutes, I felt incredibly light and slightly staggered. When I opened my eyes, I noticed that I was in the hospital corridor. Hmm.

"Does anyone care that we're suddenly here? Like, is the psychologist ready to work or not?" I asked, confused.

"Oh, that. I told her a month and a half ago to be ready to receive you. So she's definitely ready." Twilight said, waving her hoof slightly.

It's probably best not to think about it too much. Like, a psychologist should have zero clients if she's ready to see me at any moment.

Sighing, I looked at the sign and saw that there was an interesting name written there. Redheart. Wait. . .

"Redheart. Isn't that the nurse who treated me when I ended up in Ponyville?" I asked, shifting my gaze between the sign and Twilight.

"Oh, you know. Equestria has standards of medicine according to which every hospital should have doctors from almost every area. And there's a slight shortage of doctors in Ponyville. As a result, some especially unlucky ones have to work in positions they are not ready for. But they have two salaries. But don't worry, I'm sure Redheart has some training anyway. Especially in terms of working with minors, like you. " Twilight explained, making me frown a lot. There are too many letters, I can't stand more than four. F...

" Rating! " Said Pinkie Pie, once again covering my mouth with her hoof. She literally came out of nowhere. Like, there's not even a pot with a plant nearby!

It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. I'm going on now, and I'm going to sort this out.

Sighing, I wrapped my hand around the door handle and said, "I'll do it now. A twenty-minute adventure."

Before they could say anything, I quickly entered the room and slammed the door behind me. After a quick glance around the room, I highlighted the most important things. The armchair on which the white pony was sitting, the sofa on which I was supposed to lie, and most importantly, the table on which there was a bowl of sweets. Acting quickly, I grabbed the food source, lay down on the couch and said, "So, can you already say that I'm normal?"

Noticing a confused look at myself, I quickly ate one candy and said, raising my free hand: "Okay, I've never been to a psychologist's appointment. What should I do now?"

Um, is she accurate and able to speak now? She has huge bags under her eyes. Just like. . . No, I'm not going to say that. I'm above that kind of humor.

Eventually, Redheart sighed and said with a mirthless laugh, "I have no idea what to do. You're kind of the only one who came into this office as a patient. Like, the only one at all. Maybe you should tell me something about yourself now."

Reluctantly nodding, I paused for a moment before saying awkwardly: "Well, you know, sometimes I want to eat something exotic and unusual. Some kind of, I do not know, boiled spider crab in apple juice. And I won't stop until I can get it! "

" Yeah, obsessive thoughts. An obvious obsessive-compulsive disorder. Go ahead. " Said Redheart when a notepad and a black marker suddenly appeared in her hooves.

On the one hand, I want to be mad at her. And on the other hand, she bought a marker that I patented and got paid for it.

Shaking my head, I ate another piece of candy and continued: "Or sometimes I want to eat. And then I realize that no, I don't want to eat!"

"Obvious bipolar disorder. Go on, go on." Redheart said, ignoring me and continuing to write in her notebook. Yeah, it's going to be hard.

Breathing through my nose, I left the office and Twilight immediately flew up to me with questions: "Well, what did they tell you? What is the diagnosis? How many of my assumptions turned out to be correct?"

Fortunately, Redheart came out of the office and said with a tired shake of her head: "Nothing, he's fine. I've already tried all the questions. No problems were found. "

Upon hearing this, Twilight's ears pressed against her head and she said, slightly lowering her gaze, " Oh."

She lit her horn and loosened the bun on her head before teleporting her own notebook and glasses to who knows where. Sighing, Twilight turned around and said apologetically, "Okay, I was wrong, Alex. I'm sorry. Let's go find something to eat."

Swallowing with incredible difficulty, I said lightly tapping on my chest, "I need to stay a little longer. Redheart should uh, what should you do?"

I forgot my part, oh.

Redhead looked at me with obvious displeasure, but still said after a second of silence: "He volunteered to help me clean up the office. It won't take too long."

Twilight turned around and glared at the two of us. It's like he's going to ask a question right now that's going to destroy us completely. Fortunately, she shrugged her shoulders after a few seconds and said, "Okay. I'll wait for you outside, Alex. Don't stay too long! "

When I saw her turn the corner, I sighed and wiped the sweat from my forehead. Taking advantage of the moment, Redheart looked at me and said calmly: " You owe me, remember? "

" I remember, I will bring the money soon. Thank you, Redheart. " I said, continuing to try to recover. Damn, I've never worked so hard in my life.

I have to stay in bed for the next few days. I need to compensate for the tension somehow.

"By the way, it was not necessary to swallow the notebook. Of course, it's amazing that you did it. But why did you put it in your mouth at all? "

" To be sure. "

" To be sure she doesn't find out the truth? "

" Yes, that's what it's for. " I replied with a slight nod.

Twilight will never know that all her assumptions are only one percent of all my deviations.