How I got my Drag on

by Atom Smash

Rating: teen
Tags: Pistachio, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Smolder
Length: 3097

Pistachio tells the tale of what he did over the winter holidays.

Speed Racer is eager to get back to The School of Friendship after the winter holidays. It doesn't take him long to notice something is different with his friend Pistachio. The story of what actually happened does drag on however.

Written for TheDriderPony during the Quills and Sofas Secret Santa exchange 2023.

Published 2024-01-05 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-01-05 00:30:01 UTC

It's a long story...

Speed Racer smiled as he entered the School of Friendship. As great as the winter holidays had been, it felt good to be back. It was crazy how quickly this place had become his home.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t so crazy at all. The school revolved around its students forming bonds as well as honing their talents. As much as he appreciated getting to train under coach Rainbow Dash, he also appreciated the friends he had made.

“Speaking of,” he mumbled to himself as he spotted one of them through the bustling crowd of students. “Yo Pistachio!” Speed called as he waved. His best friend and dormmate was easily recognizable despite his frequent outfit changes thanks to his everpresent cowpony hat.

And that was fascinating in and of itself. Before coming here, Speed Racer would never have imagined he’d make a friend like Pistachio. They were just so different in every way. One was a jock, the other a fashionista, one hailed from the dense streets of Manehattan, the other one from a tiny nut farm in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.

“Welcome back Speed Racer,” Pistachio returned the greeting, and gave a warning grin that reminded Speed of another one of their differences.

“I gotta say,” Pistachio began, making Speed cringe. “That with a name like yours, you really should have beaten me back here.”

Speed let out a deep groan. “You never even left!”

“I know,” Pistachio gave a satisfied smirk.

That was another dividing characteristic that made Speed wonder why he put up with the behatted moron. He had himself a refined sense of humour, while Pistachio absolutely loved telling terrible puns at every conceivable opportunity. It was quite maddening, though after a full semester of being dormmates, Speed had become numb to them, mostly. The trip home for the Hearth's Warming Holidays had apparently lowered his immunity, meaning he would suffer the full agonizing corniness for the next few days until he rebuilt his tolerance.

“So how was spending Hearth’s Warming by yourself?” Speed asked in a blatant attempt to get the conversation rolling again, only to notice that his friend had zoned out.

Speed followed Pistachio’s gaze and was not surprised to see who had so fully captured his friend’s attention. There, just a few lockers down the hall was a student that never failed to catch Pistachio’s gaze. An intimidating dragoness named Smolder that Pistachio had a not at all secret crush on. The poor sod couldn’t even look at her without blushing.

Speed grinned and enjoyed his friend getting flustered, it was a mild revenge for the welcoming pun from earlier. Though as he watched Pistachio he noticed that his cheeks had come pre-blushed, that was odd.

As Speed really took in his friend, he noticed more oddities. Pistachio’s cheeks were an artificial red that didn’t quite manage to cover up the more natural pink from his blush, and there was something blue around his eyes, like he’d taken a couple of punches to the face, but prettier, and his lips were also…

“Uh dude?” Speed asked. “Are you wearing makeup?”

Pistachio was too busy dreamily ogling his crush to reply, but his face spoke for itself. He had definitely put on some rather girly makeup, and as Speed studied him closer he also noticed a pair of pearl earrings that almost blended in with Pistachio’s pale coat. Also matched his hat, a fact that Speed would have never picked up on without having spent a full semester sharing a room with a stallion who obsessively preached about proper accessorizing.

“Hey dude?” Speed tried to get Pistachio’s attention, but when that failed he applied a gentle elbow into his friend’s ribs.

“Huh?” The lovestruck stallion snapped out of his lovestruck stupor and turned to look at Speed.

“I said, why are you wearing all… that?” Speed asked, waving a hoof at his friend’s dolled up face.

This time Pistachio’s blush was real, and there was little the makeup on his cheeks could do to cover it up. “It’s… a long story,” he explained, before once again turning to look at Smolder, who was busy talking to her own friends in the senior class.

Speed rolled his eyes and gave a sigh almost as deep as if his friend had just dropped an awful pun, this was almost worse.

“It’s because of her, isn’t it?” he asked, then sighed again as Pistachio nodded his head.

“Look,” Speed began, putting a sympathetic hoof around his friend’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna be mean, but you’re never going to get her if you keep on like this.” He felt Pistachio stir in his grip, but he carried on. “It’s been half a year, if you were going to catch her eye you would have done so already.”

“Actually…” Pistachio began, but Speed cut him off.

“And I really don’t think glittering yourself up like that is going to help things.”

“Well..”

“Especially not on a girl like Smolder. Might work on the other ponies in Rarity’s class, but on a bad bitch like her, no.”

“Actually,” Pistachio piped up, louder this time, prompting Speed to listen. “It already did.”

“Wait, what?” Speed removed his hoof so he could look Pistachio in the eye. “Get out of here.”

But Pistachio just shook his head. “No, it’s true. Happened over the holidays.”
Speed just stared as he tried to process this. Was his friend lying, or had something really crazy gone down in the School of Friendship while he was away?

“Okay,” he said, giving Pistachio the benefit of the doubt. “I think you have a lot of explaining to do.”

Pistachio’s answering grin was so smug it made Coach Rainbow Dash look humble.

“I will, but it’ll have to wait until after classes, I have a girlfriend to attend to.”

To Speed’s disbelief, the little tit skipped over to Smolder and her gang, and was promptly lifted up and hugged by the tall dragoness.

“Bloody hell,” Speed swore. He definitely looked forward to hearing this story.

“So you wanted to know about my new fashion accessory?”

They were back in their dorm, classes over for the day. Speed Racer was sore all over from all the laps Coach RD had made him do, telling him he had slacked off over winter break. He was lounging on his bed, his mane still wet from his recent shower as he eyed his roommate.

Pistachio on the other hoof looked well groomed as usual. Actually more than usual. He still had his makeup on. He'd also complimented his look with the plaid shirt he sometimes wore, calling it western chique. Well he'd apparently spent the afternoon adding frills to it during Professor Rarity's class. Speed supposed it now represented western chick.

Dammit, now I'm doing puns too! The geek is rubbing off on me.

"Yeah," he agreed, wanting to get out of his head and gestured to Pistachio's new look. "What's up with… all that."

"Well you see…" Pistachio began. "It's kind of a long story."

"Then save it for later," Speed replied. "I'm curious about you going all pretty faced, but you change looks all the time. I wanna hear how you managed to score that dragon lady while I was away."

"That's kind of a long story too," Pistachio admitted, then smiled. "You think I'm pretty like this?"

Speed rolled his eyes, but decided to answer honestly. "Kinda yeah, but again, not what's most interesting right now."

"Right," the earth pony settled down on his own bed. "It all began on the first day after y'all left for Hearth's Warming…"

As you know, my parents both caught the flu right before the holidays and told me to stay at school rather than coming home, since they'd just infect me too and we'd all be too sick to celebrate anyway.

"Look I already know that," Speed cut into the narration. "Could you skip ahead to the interesting part?"

"Fine," Pistachio smiled. "I did warn you that it was a long story."

He continued his tale, ignoring Speed's grumbling.

So there I was, all alone in school. All my friends having left me, to spend time with their families, when I couldn't do the same with mine.

"Way to make me feel guilty dude."

"Look," Pistachio returned his frown with a shrug. "The story is only going to get longer if you keep interrupting me."

"Fine," Speed resigned himself to listening. "I did leave you a holiday present at least."

"And it was lovely," Pistachio thanked him "I hope you liked yours as well?"

"It was great," he nodded to the scarf thrown over a nearby coathanger. Just looking at it you wouldn't guess it had been hoofmade by a young stallion in a dorm room. "Kept me warm on the flight home."

"Warm and stylish," the fashionista corrected him.

"Fine, yeah warm and stylish, now can we get back to the story? And skip to the interesting bit, please?"

Certainly.

So I spent most of the day alone. There were a few other students staying over the holidays, but none I really knew or had talked to before.

That is until dinner that first day. That's when I found out that she was also staying at the school.

It was the perfect thing to lift my mood. I might not get to celebrate Hearth's Warming with my family, but if I got to celebrate it with her, that'd totally make up for it. Well almost. I do love my parents too, but not in the same way...

Right, sorry for rambling. So realizing that the love of my life and I were practically alone for the next few days, I employed all of my charm to get her to notice me. I styled my mane, I kept glancing in her direction, put on my Fedora Felt Original."

"So exactly what you've been doing all semester?"

Pistachio blushed at the accusation, nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay, so what then? You put on that lipstick and suddenly she noticed you?"

"No, on both parts. It was actually Ocellus who noticed me, and I hadn't gotten to the makeup part yet."

"Who's Ocellus?"

So there I was, doing my best to get noticed, when finally somepony did. Sadly it wasn't her, but it was progress.

"Hi."

I looked up to see the friendly face of a changeling.

"Hi," I said back to her.

I definitely recognized her. She was one of Smolder's friends. I didn't know her name, but I often saw them together.

"Hi," she said again.

I didn't even know changelings could blush. That faux passe however was just what was needed to break the ice between us.

"Hi," I said back, not being able to resist.

"Hi, look this is going in circles," she said. "Mind if I sit down?"

She gestured at the empty chair next to me. "Sure," I said, figuring that since there were empty chairs everywhere, she really wanted to talk to me of all ponies.

"Good, I wanted to talk to you."

It seems my ability to read ponies, or in this case, not a pony, was spot on!

"I kinda figured," I admitted, "gesturing to the empty dining hall. There really only was their friend group and a few other scattered students in the room. "Not that many others to mistake me for."

She actually giggled at my joke!

"Right, you're the only one sitting alone though."

That was true, and I had to admit it.

"That doesn't feel right to me," she said, which perked me up significantly, but not as much as what she said next. "Why don't you come sit with us?"

I just stared at her. "Are you serious?" I asked.

She nodded.

"I'd love to," I admitted, and followed her over.

"Okay, so that's how you finally got to talk to her? I gotta give this Ocellus a big hug or something for that."

"Yeah she's really sweet, I'm glad to call her my friend now."

Pistachio looked quite proud of that fact, and why shouldn't he. They were at the school to make friends after all.

"But it's a long way from just talking to a girl to being able to call them your girlfriend," Speed pointed out. "Surely something more happened after that?"

"Oh absolutely."

Pistachio looked very smug as he continued to explain.

So Ocellus introduced me to the group. Apparently they spend every winter break at the school because Gallus can't go home.

Gallus is the blue gryphon. He's a pretty chill guy when you get to know him, even if he can seem a bit abrasive at first.

Then there's Ocellus of course. She's a changeling and all together an absolute cinnamon roll.

Yona meanwhile, is just as sweet, though you wouldn't know that at first. Like Gallus she acts tough and brash, though I think it's less of an act for her. She's really just a really direct person, and very proud as well.

Sandbar, the stallion, is just really chill all the time.

Chill however is not a word that applies to Silverstream. She's very excitable, but just as sweet as the rest of them.

And then there's her, Smolder to her friends. The most handsome student in the whole school. Tough, direct, brutally honest, what's not to love?

We talked through dinner as I got to know all of them. Then when it started getting dark they invited me over to their dorm to have some more fun.

"What, really? No way!"

Speed had a look of utter disbelief on his face as Pistachio got to that part of the story.

"Like what, they just invited you over to spend the night?"

"Yes."

Smugness radiated out of every hair in Pistachio's pale green coat.

"yeah, apparently it's a tradition of theirs. Every year the day before Hearth's Warming Eve, they have a slumber party.

"A slumber party, really?"

"Yeah."

Speed was really interested now.

"I can't believe you got to have a slumber party with the seniors, awesome!"

He held out his hoof in a brotherly fashion, and Pistachio bumped it.

"What did you do?"

"We did a bunch of things," Pistachio explained. "We sat and talked, played some board games and eventually wound up playing truth or dare."

"What? Seriously?!" Speed could hardly belive it. "Did you get to know any dirty secrets?"

"Not really," Pistachio admitted. "Yona brought a bottle of something called Vodka and encouraged us all to get: he took in a deep breath and did his best to mimic her voice, "Get smashed like yak!"

He shook his head. "Honestly, after that the night got pretty blurry."

Speed wasn't sure he actually believed his friend there. Not about the drinking and playing games, that sounded awesome, but the thing about not remembering any fun truths or dares. Though he suspected Pistachio was just trying to protect the privacy of those involved, so he let it slide.

"Okay, so you remember nothing?"

"I didn't say that," Pistachio gave a look that wasn't quite a blush, nor a smirk. It was something in between.

So it was right at the end of the game. I'd spilled some truths, but hadn't really dared to do any dares yet. Smolder on the other hoof only took dares.

"Okay," Gallus slurred, waving a talon at his scaled friend. "I dare you to put on one of your fro fru tea party dresses for the rest of the game."

The dragoness was less than pleased with this one. She rolled her eyes and grumbled. "Do I really have to?"

"Yes!" was the chorus from everypony in the room, even I joined in on that one.

"Please," she begged. "It takes like ten minutes to get on, and the new guy is really cute, I don't want to embarrass myself."

To say I was stunned is an understatement, and it's probably why I let slip my own words in that moment. "I'd love to see you in a dress."

Evidently she heard me, because she pointed a claw at me and growled: "I dare you to join me."

I wasn't sure what she meant, and I guessed it showed, because she elaborated.

"If you wanna see me all tooted up, then I want you to suffer with me." She looked over at her friends. "I'm gonna go change, in the meantime…" she gave a grin that was entirely too much teeth, and yet it sent my heart aflutter. "Doll him up ladies."

"And that's pretty much how it went," Pistachio summed up the story. "Ocellus and Silverstream slapped me down in front of a mirror, painted me like this," he gestures to his face. "and forced me into a dress that was much too big for me. Probably one of Silverstream's. Smolder came out wearing a stunning late romantic era sundress and the rest of the gang dared us to play tea party with vodka in our cups, after that I really don't remember much else."

Speed managed to raise a single eyebrow.

"No really," Pistachio defended. "I woke up the morning after in Smolder's bed."

He must've noticed the grin spreading across Speeds muzzle as he hurried to explain himself. "Not like that, we didn't do anything. She slept on the floor!"

"Okay," Speed let his grin drop a little, but not much. As weird as the situation was, he was still happy for his friend. "And then what?"

"Well, we talked it over and realized we both really liked each other, and that she really liked seeing me in that dress, all dolled up for her, and I liked it too, so now we're dating."

Speed took a few moments to process this.

"I kinda get it, but I feel like you really rushed the end after all that buildup. You talked at least as much about your new looks as you did about Smolder."

Pistachio's answering grin heralded something truly awful as he replied.

"Well you see…" he began. "I didn't want the end of the story to to drag on. Because you see, the story of how I got my drag on, was also, in the end, the story of how I got my dragon."

Author's Note

Speed took a few moments to process that awfully punny explanation. He then carefully reached down to grab a pillow, and very tactfully and well deserved, threw it at Pistachio.