Stranger than Animated Fiction

by Citpo

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Romance, Original Character, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 11823

Phil is the only human in a land of talking, pastel coloured ponies. It'd be an understatement if I did him no justice and said he was in a right state of mind. No Mr/Ms/Mrs. Reader, it would not at all.

After falling asleep in a park you (Phil) recall from your childhood during a drunken wander, you find yourself amongst the land of Equestria; the land of ponies, peace, harmony, friendship and where the female to male ratio is 10:1 (and that's an understatement). You then spend your time finding out how you ended up in Equestria, all the while having fun, making friends, maybe even finding love finally. Oh, and who's to say you won't be a complete arsehole about the whole situation? However, with you and your sub conscience at your arsenal, who can really stop you from being one? A simple man in a magical land with pegasi, unicorns and earth bound ponies with the strength of a freight train, things will surely end up fine, right?

A second person story if you haven't realised by now.

Published 2012-10-08 09:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-30 13:56:14 UTC

Chapter 6: I'll Take My Chances With An Angry Skittles Dispenser

Rainbow Dash's POV

You were Rainbow Dash and to say that seeing that two-legged freak near Twilight's home/library/tree did not check out in your loyalty boxes. You were not going to let that monster molest one of your best friends, no, you weren't even going to let... 'it' touch the door knob. You had followed that hairless (and probably spineless) monkey around town, and also see Colgate (she will need some "enforced visitations" from you later), before finally resting on that tree near the schoolhouse. You would've beaten 'it' down right then and there, but all that recon work made you tired, and the cloud was soooo soft... Maybe you could sneak off for a quick nap...

No, I gotta focus. I have to protect Twilight before she gets hurt by that.... thing.

Regaining your focus, you had remembered that you had moved into higher cloud formations in order to avoid being seen, despite being the only airborne pony between you and that banana gobbler. You positioned yourself as you prepped yourself for a skydive before 'it' went and demolished Twilight. You jumped off, slowly gaining speed as you moved more into an aerodynamic form, pushing your arms to your sides and straightening your wings out wide as you edged in for the kill. Or at least a severe beating.

Phil's POV

Alright, you can do this... Just reach for the door knob and turn....

You were Phil and you were having the most difficult time in the world because of your recent discovery of your developed inability to turn a door knob in order to open the door. You temporarily gave up on the door knob in order to recompose yourself.

I.... I can do it.... No I can't do it man.

Dude, it's a door. It's not like it'll cause some hell portal to cast one of it's minions to fly up and dome your head a few inches in.

I... I know, I'm just nervous is all... Alright, I can do this man...Right hand moving towards the... Hey is my shoe lace untied?

Stand back up. You're wearing DRESS SHOES. They don't even have la-

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of something crashing through a large wooden structure, or in other words, the door that no longer exists that was in front of you. Looking through the door you see none other than the multi-coloured mare that caused you painful discomforts during your arrival in Equestria. Then again you've yet to see another pony that's as vibrant as the rainbow here, albeit it wouldn't surprise you due to the vibrant, pastel colours of this world.

It is Equestria, right?

Dude, now is not the time to think about specifics. You gotta crank it into gear and leg it.

But Skittles might genuinely be injured. Can't hurt to look, can it?

"Hey, you alright in th..." You started to say before your slow mind began to kick into gear, despite already figuring it out. "Oh shit, it's the hell-portal, crazy demon.... bitch thingy that attacked me on the farm."

"It's Rainbow Dash, I'm a pony and I'm not letting you step another hoof near my friend." She retaliated.

"I wouldn't be too worried if you did lash out. Judging from our recent encounter, as in just before, your flight path is so inaccurate a Storm-Trooper could probably pull off a better shot. Not to mention that you said nothing about taking another foot closer to your friend."

"What did you say about me you ugly little mo-"

However, a voice emanating from a purple unicorn in the background interrupted Rainbow Dash's rant towards you. "Who's there? I heard my front door break down. If that's you Rainbow Dash I swear-"

"No time to talk Twilight." Rainbow Dash said abruptly. "I'll take care of the 'uninvited' guest for you."

Oh shit, she's gonna ice our asses! Quick, think of something!

I dunno man! You're putting me on the spot!

Think of any-THING!

I... I... Ummm... Uhhh.... I got it man, let ol' Blue Balls handle this.

B... Blue Balls?

Bad reference I know. Now, shut up.

"Look out behind you Rainbow Dash!" You shouted out. "There's an invisible distraction behind you sneaking closer towards Twilight Sparkle!"

"What? There's nothing th- Hang on, where did that... thing go?" She said before realization dawned upon her.

However, it was too late as the only trace of you being there would've been the dotted line of where you once were. Too bad that it wasn't a cartoon though, sadly. Using what little advantage you had from the surprisingly successful distraction, you ran as fast as your legs could carry you. You looked around for a possible hiding spot, even temporary ones, in a means to stop and regather your thoughts. You spot a home sporting the sign of some soft of wrapped confectionery delight and more or less welcome yourself inside. Well, at least you knocked first before barging in, you had civil manners to live up to despite your current circumstance. You looked around and, as the sign clearly stated, a place of confectionery delight/candy store. In the nick of time too, as you could hear in the proximity that rainbow demon break the sound barrier as she took to the skies to find and most likely roast your behind.

You better run for your life if you can little girl.

Hide your head in the sand little girl.

Catch you with another man, that's the end. Little girl.

That would've been a great song to sing while we were high tailing it. If we had changed up the lyrics a bit....

Your thoughts, however, were sadly interrupted by a mint green unicorn now standing at the end of the hallway, mouth slightly agape due to your presence. The air stood still as the level of awkwardness reached the metaphorical point of DEFCON 1.

Alright, you can do this. Break the tension in the air and start some sort of conversation. There is NO WAY you can fuck this one up.

"Uhhh....'Sup?" You start off as you scratch your head. "Name's Phil and-"

"You're a human." She finished for you.

"Yea.." You reply with genuine surprise. "How'd you guess?"

"Well for starters, you don't look like a pony."

"Sheesh, state the obvious will you?"

"A human."

"Yes, you said that before."

"In Equestria."

"What exactly are you getting at here?"

"I'm Lyra Heartstrings." The pony said with a toothy grin that'd probably make Colgate explode from such pearly whites as she extends her ha-hoof out to you. "A pleasure to meet you Mr...?"

"Phil." You finally get to finish as you take said hoof with your hand. "The name's Phil Warrell. The pleasure is all mine."

"Fascinating." She says as she then slides in closer to you while she cradles your hands. "I've never seen a hand so closely, especially one of a human."

"I... Uhhh... Thanks?" You say awkwardly as you pull one hand away to scratch the back of your head. It doesn't work though, sadly, so you're left with an itchy head and a curious George in pony form.

"Please." She says suddenly with a shifting tone of pleading noticeable in her voice. "Allow me to study your anatomy further."

"I'd love to take you up on that offer." You start to say. "But right now I'm being cha-"

"Lyra!" A voice emanating from the upper floor shouted. "Who's down there?"

"S... Should I go and say hello?"

"No! That's Bon-Bon!" She says in a harsh whisper.

"Why do we need to whisper?" You reply quietly. "Better yet, why am I meant to be scared?"

"Let's just say she doesn't share the same... appreciation to your race like I do."

"What on Earth's name are you t-"

But it was too late, for you heard a clip-clop descend further down the hallway and judging by the silhouette, it was a pony with some sort of... wooden baton/rolling pin as a makeshift weapon at hand. Luckily, you weren't able to see the beast at hand as you were suddenly and magically whisked outside of Lyra's home and back in the vast world. All alone. With some angry pegasus that probably wants to put your head on a plaque.

Great... I'm all alone outside without a blimmin' clue asto what should be done next.

Hey judging from that silhouette, I'll take my chances with an angry skittles dispenser.

No one will get that reference in this world sadly...

I feel you, man.

Wait, what did you mean that silhouette? It wasn't like it was going to instantly attack us by default.

Knowing you, it'd had happened sooner or later.

Hey!

Don't get distracted now sonny boy. We may be out of frying pan but now we're in the heating element. We ain't safe till we leave the kitchen.

And hopefully a chilli bin full of ice.

And that not-so sweet based alcoholic nectar.

Amen to that, brother. Alright, let's roll out.... Where do we go?

Back to the Library tree thing.

You nuts or something? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! No way that'd work.

Exactly why it'd work. The plan is so terrible no one would think it'd be mentally possible to even be considered a plan, let alone enter the mind.

Touche Mr. Voice in my head.

And with that sudden epiphany or strike of stupidity, call it what you wish, you rush back the way you came before becoming a surprise guest for what you can confidently believe was 'Lyra's Scientific Investigation of Humanoids and Humanoid Life - The Game Show'. You check the skies every now and again in case you're encountered by Ponyville's local multi-coloured battering ram, can't hurt to be too safe, before finally reaching your designation once again. You walk through the door frame and take extra precaution not to tread the door below your feet, only for you to hit your head on top of the door frame. As you rub the sore spot on your forehead in a means to somewhat lessen the pain, you see a lavender unicorn standing in front of you and staring at you with the fervour that would easily rival your encounter with Lyra.

Alright, you can do this. Deep breaths in and break the ice.

"Hello citizen pony. My name is Phil Warrell and I cause havoc because I'm the only human in this universe."

Author's Note

I feel like I'm just writing out a chat box. I probably am.
All of the sad faces.
Wat do guys?

Prologue

Life is strange. You spend a quarter of your life studying for an ideal job in order to provide for a comfortable life. But you realize that the career you've chosen does not allow a large vacancy of jobs. You've already wasted a quarter of your life working for this and you can't go back to school to study once more. So now you work nine to five in a crappy office job, doing the same thing in and out every day for six days a week on a 48 week basis with four weeks off at the end of the year. Sure, it puts food on the table and pays the rent for your apartment albeit your apartment isn't what you'd classify as something out-standing.

The problem is that you lack the motivation for your work, therefore showing in your general behaviour through your work ethics. Your job is one that lacks importance, the job simply being the delivery of mail and papers to those they are meant for in the office. The question is, however, if your position was one that lacked importance and that you could be replaced by any monkey that lacked any intellectual talent then why haven't you yet been fired. In today's society there are many hapless, unemployed and eligible workers in their own set of skilled profession that are also desperate for such a petty job as the one you now possess and not to mention, do so poorly. People much more deserving than you are, people that would literally kill and gut you in order to have the kind of work you have despite these kind of people not actually being in this country thankfully. It is things like this that keep you up at night, which you soon learn to regret as waking up without your minimum hours of sleep is tiring on the mind.

This is your life: to work a job you hate with a strong passion as you only do so in order to confirm having a meal in your belly for the week and knowing you are trapped in this cycle for what feels like the rest of your life as finding work now is quite impossible.

You are known as Phil Werrell, 24 years of age, of slim build and born as an Aquarius on the 23rd of January in 1988 during the year of the Dragon. You don't recall much of your childhood but you clearly knew your parents weren't around for it for unknown reasons. They weren't dead or anything like that but it seemed like that to you as they simply abandoned you when you were an infant, leaving you to the care of your aunt and uncle. Hailing from Auckland, New Zealand, you moved to Detroit, Michigan, America, after finally receiving a 'green card', in a means to find a better field of work which clearly did not work out for you. That was four years ago. So now back into the present, you simply work your office job as you cannot leave the country due to lack of financial funding.

You do not own alot of things of value: A second-hand 1984 Opel Kadett D, which was strangely comfortable to sit in and had smooth handling,which you also loved dearly. Amongst your other belongings is your Nokia 3310 or more commonly known as 'The Brick', a pre-owned XBOX 360 with a small collection of games such as Fallout: 3 and New Vegas and Dark Souls paired with your 20" box shaped television and finally your pride and joy, your Ipod Touch with musical pieces anging from the French House beats of Daft Punk and Benny Benassi to the sounds of Metal from Metallica to classics such as Anything Goes by Roy Brown and Big Iron by Marty Robbins. And the Beatles, who could ever forget the Beatles. Aside from these items, you own a fold-out couch which doubles as your bed and other assorted bric-a-brac that you may find in your standard apartment such as your kitchen and a room for sanitary purposes. You also own a nice collection of DVDs and a DVD player, your all-time favourites being Scarface (the 1983 version), Ghostbusters 1 & 2 and The Mask.

It was Saturday night, 6.45 PM to be exact, and it had been 45 minutes since you arrived back home. It was mid-summer, you had the stereo playing your favourite songs and to top it all off since your apartment's air conditioning was broken it was not ideal temperature. If anything it was anything but, unless muggy and hot is your ideal temperature. As you sit in your bath tub full of now lukewarm water with a chilli-bin full of ice cold beers and a few bottles of whiskey belonging to yours truly, you ponder what to do to kick start your day of relaxation. This was normal for you as you had no friends in the office and minimal friends outside of work. As you lay there thinking, not even noticing the music coming to a halt, the idea that you decide on is to simply walk around your neighbourhood and take in the sights and perhaps stop at the pub for a pint or two, depending on your mood. You get out of the bath and proceed to dry off, followed by a short trip to your wardrobe. You browse through your wardrobe and finally settle on a long sleeved white dress shirt followed with a sleeveless, thin black vest paired with black pants and black shoes. You grab a small wad of cash along with your Ipod and slip your headphones over your ears, turning up the volume as you walk outside your house and lock the door.

You decide to drop in on your local pub first, known as 'Pintes de Bière', which is French for something you never learnt nor gave attention to, and enjoy yourself a well-earned pint of stout. Well, in your mind anyway. You are greeted by a very rare yet very acceptable tune composed by none other than The Ink Spots as you arrive at 7:15 PM and the barkeep, known as E. Nigel Mavis, greets you with his usual hospitality.

"Mmm," he grunts, "What's yer poison boy-oh?"

He was never the most friendly of people.

"Just the usual, thanks." You reply.

A glass tankard filled to the brim with Irish stout makes it way to you as Nigel slides the the glass in your direction which you drank graciously, letting the coffee-like taste flood your taste buds. This was followed by three shots of whiskey and a pale lager to finish off. As you drank your lager, you look to the clock hung up on the wall, which now read 9: 45 PM, and decided it was time to go. Placing the money on the counter, which Nigel quickly picked up, you downed the remainder of your alcoholic beverage and walked out of the pub, slightly inebriated. As you stroll/stumble along the pavement, you have an encounter with the old park you used to enjoy going to back in your childhood. This park was actually quite a distance from your home and despite your better judgement along with pondering on how you actually got there, you decide to walk around and let nostalgia seep in. After a good few minutes of walking around, breathing the cool air of the night, you take a seat on a nearby bench and stare at the night sky. Despite not being able to see anything due to the city lights, you still attempt to gaze upon the moon and the stars. Suddenly fatigue takes over and you find yourself slowly losing consciousness, as the voice of Nat King Cole lulled you to sleep.

You awake with a sudden jolt, sitting up as you bring your hands to your face as you rub at them at a futile attempt to rid yourself of morning grogginess. Suddenly, you realise that your hands aren't exactly your hands, in the sense of your hands being a bright pastel colour. You gaze down and find everything you own being nice pastel shaded colours, leading to you observing your surroundings which were also (surprise) bright pastel colours.

OK. You think to yourself. Just remain calm and collect your thoughts in an orderly manner.

"Where the bloody hell am I?!" You scream to yourself.

Smooth stuff. The voice in your head says. Your thoughts of silence and recollection fail miserably

Shut up. You reply to yourself. Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol.

T-Pain sucks ass.

I agree. Let us never do that again nor speak of it. I beg of you.

Agreed.

"Ya'll be in Equestria sugar cube," said a thick, feminine Texan accent, bringing you back to reality "Now you got five seconds ta explain what ya are and yer business here 'fore I buck yer alien behind off mah land."

Chapter 2: Hey, Have you met my Friend Gravity?

You opened your eyes as the light invades your vision. As you look around you realise that the world was no longer a vibrant, pastel colour. It was the grunge colour of life that you grew accustomed to for the past four years. You throw the blankets off your body as you climb out of your bed and trudge towards the bathroom to clean yourself up. Turning both hot and cold taps on, you start to dress down when you hear a knock at your door.

"Come in," You shout as you flick to the right song, "I'm in the bathroom."

Rather depressing song, isn't it?

Tough shit, brother.

You are greeted with a surprise as you see someone you'd never expect to see for a very long time. You stand there awkwardly with no shirt on as your guest walks into the bathroom.

"What are y-" You start to say before being pulled into a tight and warm embrace from your ex-girlfriend. Your feelings you thought you dismissed a year ago suddenly rekindles itself as you pull her closer. She nuzzles the side of your face with her cheek as you follow with burying your face in her hair. She pulls away slightly, revealing her dark coloured skin, only to lock gazes with you with her dreamy, brown eyes. She smiles slightly as she moves in slowly with her eyes closed. You hesitate for a moment before you return the gesture, inching closer and closer until you can feel her breath tickle your lips.

You awake with a sudden jolt as you realise it was all a dream. You run your hand through your hair, successfully knocking your headphones onto your shoulders as they hug your neck comfortably. You sit up and straighten up against the hay bale you were leaning on beforehand. You start to recollect your thoughts and put yourself into a more neutral state of mind.

Well that dream huh...

I agree. It's been quite some time since the last one huh?

I thought we got over her... After what she did...

Hey, let's not go back to that place.

But she knew we were there. She was aware of they way we felt about her.

God damnit. Snap the fuck out of it. All this bittersweet reminiscing is not going to help you!

Your train of thought is thankfully broken as Applejack walks into the barn, holding a tray of assorted foods in her mouth. She places them down on a hay bale behind you as she gestures for you to come and join her.

"You best eat up now mister," she first starts off, "tha food ain't gettin' no warmer."

"T-That's quite the assortment of foods," you stutter as you finally snap out of your previous thought train, "Judging by the quantity I assume you'll be joining me in this meal."

"Well yea, I assume ya wanted company." She replies.

"You assume right Miss... Applejack," You say as you turn off your device in order to conserve battery usage, "I thank you for joining a foreign devil in a meal whilst temporarily imhabiting a very vibrant colour-schemed world."

"Y-Yer a demon?!" She says in shock.

"No, I'm not," You say with a chuckle as you try to reassure her, "It's an old term that the Chinese used to describe the European settlers."

"Tha who an' the what now?"

"Human history, don't worry yourself over it."

That was the last word you said before you examined the meal before you. You spot two red apples sitting on the tray and help yourself to one. You bite into it, where you are hit with a refreshing wave of fresh and sweet as your chew the crisp apple slowly. A small grin spreads across your face as you enjoy your fruit. Applejack follows suit as she somehow grasps the apple between her hooves and brings it to her mouth. You two sit there in silence as you enjoy each other's company, simply being happy to be there. You soon move onto the other items on the tray, such as the pancakes smeared in cinnamon and apple sauce which contained diced apples in it and slices of toast with apple jam, followed by a refreshing cup of apple juice.

"Thank you very much for the meal Applejack." You say as you finish your meal.

"Shucks, it ain't nothin' sugarcube," replies Applejack, "jus' shown' a lil' bit a Apple Acres hospitality."

The friendly mood was suddenly broken by an all too familiar voice that was awkwardly close by. And by close, the voice was near the barn doors.

-Outside the Barn-

"It's around here somewhere," says Rainbow Dash, "You gotta believe me!"

"Alright R.D we believe you," says a purple unicorn in exasperation, "But we have been searching all morning and I missed my breakfast."

"Rainbow Dash darling you must simply calm down," adds in a fashionista posh voice, "All this behaviour is un-lady like."

Rainbow Dash glares at the white pony "Lady schmady Rarity, I know what I saw."

The purple unicorn dives in to defuse the situation, "Alright you two break it up, we'll check the barn it's the only place besides the house that we haven't checked."

"Grr... Alright Twilight." Rainbow Dash says reluctantly as they walk closer and closer to the barn doors.

-Inside the Barn-

"Shit," you whisper coarsely, "Things are gonna end badly if they find us like this. Tell me where's the closest exit."

"Tha floor above," she starts off, "There's a window that's propped open. About a ten foot drop to tha ground."

"Thank you for your hospitality and your help," you say, "I hope we meet in future. Stall them while I get out please?"

"S-Stall?" She utters, "I can't lie to th-"

You were too busy climbing up a nearby ladder to pay attention to her rambling. You approach the window and perch yourself in a comfortable position as you wait for Applejack's cue. She approaches the five mares at the barn doors and proceeds to stall the group as you put the headphones onto your head.

-Applejack's POV-

You approach your friends in an attempt to stall your new-found alien friend. You can't believe you were doing this. You were the Element of Honesty for Celestia's sake. There was no way you could lie to your friends about what may be the only extra-terrestial being of its kind in Equestria let alone do it successfully. You swallow nervously as you drag a cart of hay outside in a means to intercept your friends.

"Outta mah way ya'll" you start, avoiding eye contact and feigning heavy strain, "Nnnrg... Heavy load comin' through."

"Hey A.J," Rainbow Dash says, "You haven't seen that thing around, have you?"

"N-Nope, haven't seen a darn thang after ye flew off," You stammer as you pull harder, "He just up an' left."

"He?" Rainbow Dash says with intrigue, "How do you know it's a he?"

"A-Ah never said he was a he," You say as your eyes dart around, "An' Ah haven't seen him still R.D"

"R.D?" Rainbow Dash says as she continues to drill into you, "You never call me R.D unless.. You're nervous. She's hiding something everypony."

"She's the Element of Honesty R.D," says Twilight Sparkle, "Why would she even lie?"

"Yes I must admit Twilight makes quite the point darling," says Rarity as she flicks her mane to the side.

"Oh yea?" retaliates Rainbow Dash, "then why is she so nervous?"

"Maybe she's just sick," says a very energetic pink pony as she leaps into the scene, "Like how when she ate ALL those apples?"

"Or maybe she's being controlled by that beast," says Rainbow Dash in a brash conclusion.

"umm girls..." mutters a shy, yellow pegasus.

"W-What?" You say in defense as your pulling comes to a halt, "That is THE most stupidest thing ah have ever heard."

"You're in denial," Rainbow Dash says aggresively as she pokes your face with her hoof, "That's the first sign you're being mind controlled. Am I right Twilight?"

"That doesn't even make sense Rainbow Dash," Twilight says in exasperation, "Stop jumping to conclusions."

"umm girls..."

"Rainbow Dash, you're getting awfully worked up about something so trivial."

"I know that... thing exists!" Rainbow Dash says desperately, "I just know it!"

"Ah agree with Rarity sugarcube," you say with a mental sigh of relief, "Yer gettin' all worked up over something small."

"Small?!" Rainbow Dash says as she butts heads with yours, "It might as well be a national threat to Equestria!"

"GIRLS!" shouts the timid pegasus, "I'm terribly sorry for interrupting, but what is that thing hanging out of Applejack's barn window?"

You look up along with your friends to see your mysterious guest standing up and falling rather ungracefully.

-Human POV-

Hey, Brain

Yea, what's up?

We're falling aren't we?

Depends. Have you met my friend Gravity?

Well...

Embrace for impact in five?

Make that three....

You stop thinking abruptly as you fail to cover your head in time and instead of coming in contact with the cart of hay, your precise aim rather prefers a comfortable spot in the dirt. "Owwwwww," you manage to mumble out before you slowly lose consciousness. The last thing you see is six mismatched colour blurs run at you as your headphones fall off and block out the last sliver of vision you have.

Chapter 3: Here Comes the Sun!

You awake and find yourself in a small, medieval style room. By that, it means you have landed yourself in a dungeon. You give yourself a brief cavity search and find only the clothes on your skin before you dwell deep into thought.

Wow, antique is an understatement for this place.

I'd say. Could do with a nice spill o' paint here and there.

Don't even get me started on the decor brain...

Your self monologue is interrupted as the iron bars make contact with another unknown metallic object. You do a pirouette and face the guardspony in front of you, showing mixed emotions of fear, excitement and possible anger. You make a quick assumption that the metallic object was from the spear grasped between hooves.The guard makes a quick delivery of a possible breakfast which consisted of bread, oatmeal and a glass of water. You use this time to ask a question of the guard.

"What's the time?" You start off.

"5:45 AM, time of Princess Celestia,"the guardspony replies nonchalantly.

"How did I end up here?"

"Brought in by one angry pony and five others."

"How long have I been out for?"

"About twelve hours."

"When does dawn arrive?"

"Six A.M roughly."

You quickly survey your scene before you ask your final question, "May I use the guitar that is perched on your chair?" You finish with as you gesture to acoustic guitar next to where the guardspony was recently posted.

"So you can use it as a weapon to escape?"

"No, to play. Here, hand me the neck of the guitar."

The guard reluctantly hands you the acoustic guitar through the bars, followed by your breakfast as he then swiftly shuffles away in case you do get any funny ideas, which you weren't, sadly. You then surveyed your surroundings once more, finding only the usual in a dungeon; chains, bars and stone floors, before you spent the next fifteen minutes tuning the guitar to a degree of perfection before you look out towards the Sun slowly etching its way into the sky through a small grate in the wall of the dungeon. You start strumming to one of the songs you know by the Beatles as you warm up your vocals.

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

The sudden outbreak of music breaks the gaze of the guardspony and brings it towards you as you continue to strum along and let the music flow over.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

The Sun almost seems to speed up as you continue to play in tribute to the prodigies of the rock and pop genre during the 60's and 70's back in the Earth you knew. You soon become entranced in the music, not giving a damn about who heard, as you kept strumming along.

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right

A slow, clopping of hooves eventually broke you out of your trance as you set the guitar down near your already cold breakfast and greeted by a very tall and celestial pony, complete with both wings and horns, an ethereal mane flowing to its own orderly accord, royalty related jewellery and a tattoo of the Sun adorning her... derriere.

Think Applejack said they were called.... 'Cutie Marks'?

I swear I wasn't focusing where you think I was brain....

Oh really now eh?

Before you could think of a mental rebuttal, the pony of current importance surprises you when voiced out.

"Hello, stranger of these lands," she said in a very motherly tone, "I am Princess Celestia of the Sun and hereby welcome you to the land of Equestria."

"Good morning and Praise the Sun, Princess Celestia," you reply politely, knowing all too well to behave around figures of importance, "my name is Phil Werrell of Earth."

"Before I continue with my interrogation," Celestia starts, "May I say I rather enjoyed that piece you recently performed."

"Can't go wrong with the Beatles, Princess Celestia," You reply, "May I ask why, in particular, you enjoyed it?"

"Well, I am Princess of the Sun and have the ability to control the sun."

"You mean how close the Sun is, when it rises and sets and so on?"

"Yes, child of strange lands."

"So, you enjoyed that song due to the fact that it was in a sense based about you."

"Mhm!" she said as she broke character and giggled a bit.

Why are royals in Earth never this carefree?

Or attractive.

C'mon, she's a horse. We don't even have the same chromosone number.

A Celestial Horse or Queen Elizabeth. Tell me now.

... Damnit.

"Now, let's get down to the interrogation, shall we?" She says calmly.

You simply nod your head and sit down on the cold stone floor, anticipating anything she may ask of you.

"I need you to answer the basics of yourself, your age, name and so on."

"Name is Phil Werrell, age 24, born 23 January 1988."

"Family?"

"Never really knew them well enough to talk about them."

"How many people live on this 'Earth' you speak of?"

"Over 7 billion."

"Any range of differences between these 7 billion?"

"They are broken up into three main groups: Caucasian, Asian and African. These races are then broken up into continents: Africa, Asia, Australasia, North America, South America and Europe. Alot of these continents are multi-cultural so I'll be brief. Africa consists mostly of Africans which have a much more darker skin tone in comparison to others along with other physical atributes such as height and body mass although there are some that also inhabit North America, known as African Americans, and Europe. Asia consists mainly of Asians and unlike Africa its inhabitants range from pale to dark brown depending on the region albeit the inhabitants not reaching heights of Africans. Finally, there are Caucasians which inhabit the majority of the continents. However, note that they are not secluded to one continent and can and have been in other continents as a place of living."

"My, that seems rather interesting," Celestia said with a yawn, "At least you've proven yourself not to be hostile so I suppose I could let you go."

"That would be much appreciated, Princess of the Sun," You say kindly, "If it is no hassle to you."

"However, you will be posted in the town of Ponyville under the roof of my trusted and faithful student Miss Twilight Sparkle for a month as a trial run where your actions will be recorded and reported."

"Fair enough." You say as you nod your head in agreement.

"Now, the interrogation is over for now, so I will take my leave."

"Good-bye Princess Celestia, may you enjoy your day."

"Please, just Celestia is fine, and good-bye to you too."

"Oh, one more thing before you leave."

"Yes Phil, my child of strange lands?"

"You didn't enjoy a lesson on Earth, did you?"

"Not at all." She said with a grin as she then walked off, humming the tune to the Beatles song you recently played.

She's a pretty cool cat, I must say.

Yea, I'd have to agree on this one.

Hey, are we forgetting something?

Not that I'm aware of... Oh... Oh shit.

You kick over your extremely cold breakfast as you scurry to the bars and shout at the top of your lungs in a means of catching attention.

"YOU DIDN'T UNLOCK THE JAIL DOOR!"

Author's Note

I deeply apologize for the extreme delay in this chapter but recently (until now) I've been working early mornings till late afternoon along with lack of motivation of wanting to write. My newfound love for the Beatles is what actually drove me to write this chapter, funnily enough.

I do notice the rather large gap between the last chapter and this one and I intend to make up for this by trying to write a chapter of my usual 1000+ words per night... Well until I go back to work. And get off Dark Souls... And Minecraft...

Dark Souls is amazing...

Anyway, before I stray off I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I may be rusty from lack of writing since the start/return from my trip overseas so if you have feedback toss it over and I'll lap it up like a por....... adult actress.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Chapter 4: Obla Di Obla Da

You don't care who said riding in the wind is an amazing feeling as you adjusted the headphones on your head, riding a pegasus-pulled chariot back to Ponyville sucked. Your face was frozen in a permanent scowl in order to block out the wind and bugs kept flying into your face.

"This bloody sucks..." You manage to mumble to yourself.

Hey, beats kicking back in the dungeon after what Celestia promised us.

You mean 'Trollestia'? And don't even get me started on that innocent act she pulled when she came back eight hours later.

Hey, at least she had the courtesy to let you use one of her personal chariots.

You're right, Brain. In fact, we should get her a gift.

I agree. Something that compliments her as the Goddess of the Sun.

How does bananas sound?

Sometimes I don't know why I even bother asking you...

In truth the dungeon wasn't actually all bad, once the stone floor became comfortable and warm enough. The spilt breakfast helped alot with the insulation as well. After a few more minutes of incoherent reflection, mostly on why bananas are a good/not a good gift to give to a Sun Monarch, the town of Ponyville was coming into view, triggering the removal of your headphones and hitting the off switch of your Ipod Touch to save power. The chariot circled around in the air before coming in for a smooth landing. However, there was no such thing for smooth landings in your books as you slipped off the chariot seven feet beforehand and landing comfortably on your face.

Oww.... I... I think my nose is broken... and maybe a few loose teeth....

Obla Di Obla Da, life goes on Brah.

Oh how the life goes on Mr. Brain...

However, the chariot ponies didn't give a second thought to your well being as they took to the skies once more, eager to get back to Canterlot and do whatever it is they did.

"Alright," you say to no one in particular, "I'm gonna have to find this... Twilight Sparkle that Celestia spoke about... And maybe even a dentist."

You feel your nose and find out it was indeed misaligned, albeit only slightly misaligned. You adjust it back into shape, followed by a lone tear, and give the rest of your body a quick check. You look around and find the town rather... abandoned than what you thought.

Alien life form dropped out of the sky and scares everybody away says what?

Hey man, that's not helping the situation....

You know what will?

What?

Stop talking to yourself and maybe look around. Oh and for the record, you said what.

Ignoring the latter part of your conscious, you decide to look around and gather your bearings. You brush what dust you could off your shirt and pants, although being the third day in Equestria the soil didn't do many miracles to cotton materials either. Starting your investigation of the town with a single step, you look at the buildings and discover the signs are simple yet effective due to showing their purpose of business through a simple picture. You soon find a sign with a picture of a tooth hanging outside a simple white house, finished with a blue roof. You knock on the door and find a blue mare with a two toned mane, consisting of a darker and lighter blue, open the door with a beaming smile and pearly whites.

"Welcome to Colgate's Oral Care," she started off, "My name is Colgate and our motto is "See the Wh...iteness...Feel the Shine..."

This was followed by prolonged staring from her to you and an extremely awkward silence. You broke the silence abruptly as you cleared your throat in order to speak.

"Uhh... I was wondering if you could perhaps by chance give me a quick oral check?"

"Huh?" she said idly as she continued to stare at you.

"You do oral check-ups right?" you reply, ignoring her bland response.

"I-I... umm... Y-yes," she stammers out, "I do oral."

Don't you dare...

Pfft.... She said..

DON'T.

"I bet you do indeed do oral," you slip out accidentally, "I bet it's a very well done job as well."

"Oh yes indeed," She says, oblivious to your innuendo, "What seems to... b-be the problem?"

Either she knew and is just hiding it or she's a complete nitwit.

Who needs to meet the Fockers when you got the biggest one right here...

What? She didn't find out.

I will break down this mental door and I will hug you with it, like the bears. I swear to God.

.... What?

You're dead to me.

"Just a quick check up and I'll be on my way."

"Alright, just step inside and we can get started."

You walk in, only to hit your head on both the door as you straighten up and on the ceiling. You proceed to the dentist chair, fully equipped with a dental engine, and lie down, allowing your legs to hang freely and flail about in pain should it come to that.

"You seem rather calm about an extraterrestrial being coming into your establishment Ms. Colgate." You say to her as you get more comfortable in the dentist chair, a tad too small for you but you weren't one to complain.

"Well," she starts off, "I don't get alot of customers so I suppose I take what I get."

"That's one delicate way of putting it...." You murmer to yourself.

"Did you say something?"

"... No."

"Good," " she says as you then see an assortment of dental tools encased in an aqua glow fly over to you, "Open wide then." You then see those tools work their dental magic on your mouth as she checks your close-to pearly whites very efficiently.

"Wow," you say in awe as you wipe the drool escaping your mouth away, "Someone is quick with the knife, or rather dental tools."

"A mare knows a thing or two about oral related issues," she then replies with.

If you say one more thing about oral I'm gonna...

"I bet you do know a good thing or two about oral, Ms. Colgate."

"At least buy me dinner first before anything else happens," she teases as she then breaks into a hearty chuckle.

Do not say anything, I swear to God.

I wasn't gonna say anything I swear.

Bullshit, don't lie to me.

I seriously wasn't, why would I ever do that to you?

Whatever...

".... So," you begin to say, "H... How much?"

"Free," she says with a genuine smile.

"Because you see I don't have any form of money, currency, gold, doubloons, whatever you c.... Free?"

"Yup."

"Why's that?"

"First time's always free."

"You say that to all the stallions that waltz in here?"

"W... What? No!"

"Then explain."

"It's business strategy to make sure they come back. That and once you get behind the fact you look like an alien you're just like every other pony in Equestria."

"So it isn't because of my dashing good looks?"

"No, it isn't."

"Way to shoot a man's self esteem down," You say in a false attempt to look hurt, "Shenanigans aside, I suppose I'll see you around town Ms. Colgate."

"And the same to you Mr. Scary Alien Thing."

"The name's Phil Warrel and I'm a human, not a scary alien thing."

Colgate proceeded to show you out the show, followed by a wave of her hoof in which you countered with a pulling down of an imaginative hat. You then scout out the rest of the town, marking out the outskirts before moving in slowly, before you headed to the park where you rested your head and gathered your thoughts.

(Image of Reference)
(The... Other Reference...)

Alright, so we're currently in the West End Park.

Yea, also near the Library and the school house.

Who would've thought the Library was an actual tree...

Screw the blimmin' tree will ye? We got wee lil' kiddies nearby and they'll shout out the whole flippin' neighbourhood alright?

Calm down Gerry Conlon, you'll land yourself in the slammer again for false accusations.

Whatever, I suggest we move somewhere a bit more hidden, secluded, out of sight.

Colgate didn't freak badly when she saw us...

These are kids fuckhead, you know, little sentient beings that probably still think Cooties exist and the Boogey-Man is under your bed or in your closet. I'm sure us being locked up in sight will add another nightmare to their list.

Alright man we'll move. Sheesh talk more like that and you'll blow a blimmin' casket.

You stand up and walk about for a good fourty minutes or so before you find a tree surrounded by some shrubs, enough for you to be hidden were you sat up against the tree.

Alright we're hidden. Happy now Blue Boy?

Yes. I am actually.

That's a first, last time you were happy it was when we were with... her...

C'mon we're in a fucken different dimension, who knows what might happen?

... You're right Pip Boy....

Stop it.

Stop what?

Stop giving me names like Blue Boy and Pip Boy.

Ok.... Soulja Boy.

.... I'll let that slide for now, because I recommend we get some sleep. Perfect weather to catch 1337 winks or so.

I'll agree to that... Oh by the way you know about what happened at Colgate's?

Yea?

Fucken told you not to say anything.

Shut up.

Also it's sapient. (Thanks Mellowhoof.... all the ways good and bad)

You're dead.

However, high up in the skies, positioned right in front of you was a certain nemesis that loathed your existence. A very well known mare that also happens to have a blue coat and a very distinct rainbow mane. Some know this mare as the Champion of the Young Fliers Competition and a potential member of the Wonderbolts, most think she's too brash and needs to learn how to be humble. However, all you know is, she's called Rainbow Dash.

Author's Note

Don't ever make promises you can't keep.
But I did say I'd try, failed, but tried nonetheless.
More writer's block but I managed to overcome this one... Although I'm stumped for a next chapter kinda sorta no.
I'm lazy I'm sorry! Forgive me pls....

I hope you enjoy the chapter and I will make another false promise to try spit out them chapters at the speed of a blitzkrieg.

(Btw how's everyone enjoying all these new releases I.E Blops II Revolution DLC, Farcry 3 etc.)

P.S: Bold Red is my input during story if you haven't realised. Albeit it won't be very often so it might cease to exist all together.

Chapter 5: She's Leaving Home.

You awaken to find yourself in a bed in an apartment. However it isn't any old apartment, it is the one that you have been living in for the past four years. You look upon yourself and find yourself a darker shade of realism as you no longer possess the look of a pastel crayon. You throw the blankets off your body and clamber towards the closest window to find yourself surrounded the city of Detroit, embracing you with a warm sense of dull appearance.

Wow... That was one hell of a dream wasn't it?

I dunno... Who's to say that this is the dream and what you think is the dream is actually reality?

Don't be silly now. Why would I ever want to dream up such a realistic of the city I've slowly grown to hate? Not to forget the fact of why even the thought of dreaming about a vibrantly coloured world ruled by an even more vibrantly coloured breed of the equine race?

I'm just sayin' is all, don't get all hostile on me.

You're right. I'm sorry man.

It's all good brother, wanna know what'll make you feel better?

No, putting my hands up for Detroit will not make me feel better.

But you love that city...

Did you not hear what I said last time?

Look at Mr. Grumpy Pants here, catch your cock in the fly or something?

Why do I even bother with you...

You walk away from the window and walk to the shower, turning on the radio as you enter the bathroom, and turn the dial to max. You wait a few moments until you turn it down a few notches and enter without a single regard to testing the heat of the water because at that time and moment you were too badass to give a damn. However, knowing your luck, you ended up giving your lower half of your body a light scalding as you then turn the dial very delicately down to a more comfortable temperature. You then proceed to clean yourself up to a state that you are comfortable with and by that I mean before your skin wrinkles up.

You proceed to dry yourself off when suddenly you enter the jingle of keys fondling with your door knob of your apartment door. Due to the fact that you're still dripping wet you decide to hastily dry yourself off before wrapping the same towel around your waist to cover up your man parts because come on, not even a thief breaking into your home wants to see your junk dangling about, that's just plain indecent. Hair still slightly dripping water, you open the bathroom cabinet and pull out a straight razor that you keep in there for shaving, followed by cautiously opening the bathroom door and sticking out your upper half to see out who has intruded your home.

"About time you woke up sleepyhead." She said with a cheery demeanor.

It was none other than the woman of your most euphoric dreams and occasional nightmares. The woman who managed to enrapture and decimate your well being and quite possibly ruined your mental stability slightly.

Standing in front of me.

At this very moment.

Don't bother with pinching yourself.

This is the reality.

What the fuck are we talking about?

Roll with me.

"W...What in the fuck are you doing here?"

"Do you want me gone that badly?" she teases.

"It's a question, 'dear', now I would like an answer."

"If you want to know that badly you gave me a key to your apartment. You gave it to me, oh I don't know, six months ago." She said as she moved towards your couch to lie down.

"...Oh. Well in that case welcome home sweetheart."

Now, I know this is weird at first...

What the fuck is she doing here?

Don't hate. Appreciate.

You had a good reason for that, it's because she was barely ever at your apartment due to the fact that she was housed in one much more lush than the one you reside in, not to say yours wasn't bad if you find brick walls and simple wallpaper to your appeal (I know I do). As for a description of her, she had a very strong affliction for the sea, probably as strong as the one she resides for you. Well, before she trampled it more flat than one sided paper that is. She was a dark skinned maiden, hailing from New Zealand like yourself. You practically knew and grew up with her since high school, along with the fact that she was one of the few you remained in contact with even after university. She moved to Detroit a few months after you had in pursuit of dominating the runway as a model and if that failed she had her PhD as a doctor to fall on. In other words, she was a very attractive woman with voluptuous curves, beautiful eyes and luscious locks of hair paired with a very rambunctious and ostentatious personality. A perfect woman in your opinion to say the absolute least. Not to mention she was a stunner in bed. (But sadly I'm here to write fan fiction and not a description on women.)

Don't avoid the question, mate.

I dunno... Well she did say something about six months....

Six months... On this day... Something happened on this day.

We rode a boar tied to a sled through a Animal Rights convention?

No.

We stole a water gun and paid off a bunch of kids living in the block to shoot every single passerby?

Not that...

We kicked a police officer in the chops while he was doing a cavity search?

Alright, that's enough reminiscing from you Mister.

But Braiiiiiin....

Don't force my mental hand onto you....

Previous thought aside, we just gotta roll with it.

You decide that the memory will come back to you within due time, so you revel in the moment and kneel down next to her. But that came before you destroyed every single water based molecule on your body that escaped through your shower head and put on some clothing. You looked into her eyes and maintained a constant eye contact with her before slowly closing them as you slid your hand underneath her head and pulled it in closer in order to engage in an act of kissing, unleashing a wave of hidden passion as you locked lips with hers. After a long, passionate kiss you began to pepper her neck before you moved back to her lips, lightly drawing your tongue against them. The result of this was the slight pairing of her lips, prompting you to invade her mouth with your tongue, as you lightly teased the tip of her tongue for a short period before spreading out to taste the rest of her tongue as you engaged in an act of oral wrestling. Outside of the tongue war, you had one hand pressed firmly against the back of her head, urging her further, and another slowly sliding down her side where it rested just below her hips. Her hands, however, were both wrapped snugly around your head before migrating onto your back, constantly traveling up and down as they subconsciously confirmed that you were doing a great job with the mouth magic. You pulled away from her, followed by a tight embrace as she nuzzled into your neck and the occasional peck.

After this, she sighed deeply before gently pushing you away as she returned to a normal seating position, ushering you to sit next to her once she got comfortable. Now, any other day that she did this you would've just accepted it and calmed down until she was ready once again, rather strange but you weren't going to complain. However, your boyfriend senses told you something was rather 'off' for this occasion, meaning that something was really wrong due to the fact that they were practically dormant 99.9995% of the time. for some strange reason though, you swear that you couldhear a certain song that was all too familiar to spelling out certain doom for this situation.

"Hey, what's the matter love?" you asked with sincerity.

"I... We.... There's another guy." She manages to spit out.

"What about men?" you say jokingly. "They inhabit the world."

"You know what one I'm talking about."

"What about him then?"

"Well... I really like him," she starts off. "And he really likes me too."

"So, you've come to ask what of me?" you say with slight malice, feeling as if this conversation came straight out of some sort of sick deja vu movie scene.

"But I really like you as well..."

"Well you say he loves you, probably even more than me." You start off. "So I suppose... I have to set you free."

"But Phil.... I-"

"Go to him." You say dismissively. "I know when I've lost something I'll never get back."

"If it counts for anything, I'm sorry." She says as she looks at you for the last time before getting off your couch and slowly walk towards your door.

"One more thing," you manage to blurt out. "Be a doll and leave your key on the counter for me. Unless you ever do feel like visiting the likes of me once again."

Time stands still, the air suddenly became heavy, as she stood there with a hand frozen just above her pocket, contemplating whether or not to grant you that satisfaction. However, it doesn't come as she simply reaches for the door knob and turns the door, leaving you alone in the world.

You plunge forward as you are flung back into reality. Unfortunately, the reality you inhabit is not the one you wish it to be, albeit deep down you're more than pleased to know that it was a mere dream. You raise a hand to your face and wipe off the beads of sweat trickling down your face before you get back up onto your feet to continue your trek of the town.You know that sweat you get when you sleep in the afternoon? No? Just me? OK then.

C'mon man. You and I gotta talk about this.

There's nothing to talk about, I'm perfectly fine alright?

I can tell by the tone of your voice that you're not OK whatsoever.

I'm not gonna talk about it, especially to a figment of my fucking imagination.

See, you're all uptight man. Talking about it will help.

Right now, even thinking about it makes me want to throw us off the side of a cliff.

This is a serious issue man, it's been over a year since then!

So what?

That's over three hundred and sixty five days wasted on thinking about the likes of her.

I... I know man... Look, just- I don't wanna talk about this right now.

No we have to get rid of this issue once and for all. No more pushing it aside- Hey, what're you doing? Don't you dare put those on!

You shut off your inner voices as you place your headphones onto your head, pull out your I-Pod and hit play before putting it into your pocket. As you continue walking along to heaven knows where, you feel yourself feel more and more dreary as your mind unwillingly swims back and forth to that day.

Fucking hell... I... I don't know what I did wrong... God I miss her.

Suddenly, losing all motivation to move all together, you drag your body like a lifeless corpse across the ground until you find a park bench to rest on. However, due to your walking without attention, you hadn't noticed you had strayed away from the school house and towards the West End park.

"It's really been quite a long time though, hasn't it?" You say to no one in particular.

"I mean look at me.... I'm a 24 year old chump having a little whinge about a fucking girl that I know doesn't give any form of fucks about me yet still has the decency to say I still mean something to her, romantic at that. Not to mention the fact I'm fucking light years away from home, trapped in a fucking multi-coloured world that's as vibrant as a Gay Pride parade with even more vibrant coloured horses. Yup, I sure am living it up in my primal youth."

You place your head into your hands as you attempt to recuperate from your dream. The dreams had sparked up once again when you arrived in this pony filled land.

Equestria..? Is that what the place is called? I don't remember.

In a desperate attempt to rid your mind of an unwanted thought, you end up busying yourself by walking back into town and finally get to finding this... pony whose name you've just forgotten.

What's the name.... Hi-Light? No... Twi... Bright?... Sky Kite? God damnit, think brain, think!

Does it have male genitalia counterparts?

We are not playing Guess Who.

I'll take that as no then. How about this one then, does her name strike similarites to a terrible book/movie series and also a glimmer?

What did I say about Guess Who...

It's Twilight Sparkle, you halfwit. If you also forgot where you find her, look for the obvious tree in the middle of town.

Nana said it's bad to call people bad words instead of their names.

So I went and started a conversation with my intellectual counter-part, and he was all like hey I thought I said that- And I'm like yea, whatever!

And after that mental conversation followed a very soothing walk filled with your music clashing with your mental humming to Liam Lynch, which before long led you towards the abnormal tree in the middle of town.

"About damn time I found this place."

Author's Note

Sorry I took so long to release this chapter, I got caught up with school and a History trip along with general laziness. I know, I'm sorry.

I genuinely hope you enjoy this chapter and may it add a bit more depth to a possible question in one of the previous chapters.
On a side note, thank you all to read this fan-fic and contributing to my 1,000+ views on this novel =D

Chapter 1: Surely You Can't be Serious?

Author's Notes: Thoughts made by your brain are in blue. By the way while I'm at it, I apologize for the kinda-sorta-maybe long wait for this chapter. I had the chapter written up and ready but as I read more and more I made the decision it was a poor excuse for a chapter and so I started again.

You take off your headphones and let them rest on your neck as you turn around to find a female orange equine locked in a gaze with you with her gleaming, green irises. She stood at head level with you but then again, you haven’t stood up yet and you hopefully intend to keep it that way least you want to test your ability to walk whilst waking up from inebriation. You suddenly fire back a question to prolong said beating.

"What am I?" You say with slight malice. "I could say the same for you."

"Y- Ye speak Equestrian?" The Texan mare-ranger said with surprise.

You clear your throat and put on the best posh accent you can muster, which ended up three quarters a British accent.

"Why I most certainly do not speak Equestrian!" You say in an uptight manner "I am speaking the language of the English, the language of our Mother, the Queen of England."

She chuckled at your vocal theatrics as she seemed to lower your guard. "Well ya seem friendly enough," the mare starts,
"The name's Applejack and yer in Sweet Apple Acres, the best farm for apples in all of Equestria!"

Your mind relayed a few scenarios when she mentioned apples, such as the mare standing over you whilst jamming an apple in your mouth followed by "How do you like them apples?!" as she pointed with her hand... hoof?

Don't ask, I don't even know myself.

"Alright Miss Texan Ranger," You finally reply in your normal voice as you attempt to get to your feet, "To answer your question from before I am a homo sapien or human if you don't want the fancy version. My business here is unknown at this moment and that my name- OOOHF!"

You are suddenly cut off by what feels like the equivalent of being hit by a motorbike were it not the smell of mixed berries embracing your sense of smell.

Screw physics so bad... The law of physics can honestly kiss my ass right now...

You really hated the whole mass multiplied by speed thing as you turn your head to find that you've slid at least 10 metres west-bound along with the new found company of a cyan pony with a multi-coloured mane, whose eyes were swirling about like that which is found in a cartoon. You tried to get your bearings as you heard Applejack shout somewhere nearby.

"Rainbow Dash!" She yells in frustration, "What in tarnation are ya doin'?!"

"Don't worry Applejack, " The rainbow-hued pony replies with pride, "I stopped this guy from harming you."

"What do ye mean harm," Applejack replies, "He wasn't harmin' anypony."

"Hey for all you know he could've come from Everfree Forest. I'm just looking out for you."

"Ummm..." You say feebly in an attempt to stop the bickering between the two, "I don't know if it applies in Ecuador but talking about someone in front of that person you're talking about is rather rude."

"Equestria." Applejack corrects you.

"Woah woah woah," Rainbow Dash says whilst putting her hooves(?) in front of her, "You speak Equestrian?!"

"It's English, little filly." You correct her despite knowing it was wrong. Hey, it was reflex.

How do you know it's a her?

Well we can only hope our assumption is correct and asking bluntly is rude.

But what if you're wrong? Remember the last time you made an assumption on those two girls?

Shut up Brain, if she dressed so much like a guy then why couldn't she be lesbian?

"This looks like trouble," Rainbow Dash suddenly concurs, " I'll go get the other Elements and bring them here ASAP. Keep him under guard Applejack."

"Trouble?" Applejack says questionly, "Now hold a darn sec-"

It was too late, however, as Rainbow Dash soon took to the skies, leaving behind a rainbow smear.

Where's the fucken pot of gold?

Shut up, I'm pretty damn sure she wasn't no leprechaun.

Your stomach suddenly grumbles as you sheepishly grin at Applejack. "Looks like I haven't had breakfast yet." You state, "Care to help me with my predicament?"

"Sure thing mister Oof," Applejack holds the word as she motions for you to fill in the blank.

"My name's not Oof," You say as she then gives you a helping hoof, which you gratefully decline due to your present finding of you being double her height, "It's Phil."

You then walk with each other through the fields of Sweet Apple Acres as she tells you the history of the place, such as how the Apple family was the first family in the town which was known as Ponyville along with a very long and very detailed explanation of apples and the Apples and its extensive family relatives as you pulled your headphones over your ears to Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit to yourself.

Inbreds.

C'mon Brain, that's just low.

You were thinking it too.

Of course I was, because I'm you.

"Now yer gonna hafta stay in the barn so ya'll don't upset my folks." Applejack says sternly, "But 'fore I grab you something ta chow down on why don't ye tell me how ya ended up in Equestria. Ain't ever seen yer folk 'round here before no sirree. Not even in the Everfree Forest and lemme be honest with ya, there's a mighty fine selection of weird critters in there."

"Well I won't go into too much detail," You start off as you two enter the barn, "But I'll tell you the vitals: I had just finished drinking my fill of liquor at my local pub and walked into a park slightly inebriated that I remembered from my childhood. I fell asleep after walking through Nostalgia Lane and ended up on your farm."

"Surely ya can't be serious." Applejack says in slight disbelief.

"Oh I'm serious." You say with a stern voice, "And don't call me Shirley."

Applejack looks you dead in the eye with confusion, but quickly dismissing your reference from 'Flying High!' as she replies with, "Alright ah believe ye. Ya seem honest enough. Ah'll go get ya yer chow 'fore you starve some more."

"Oh please," You say sarcastically, "Take all the time you need darling."

"Hmm, ya sound a mighty bunch like mah friend Rarity." Applejack says with intrigue.

"Food now. Talk later Applejack." You say jokingly as she walks out from the barn doors.

"Ah'll be five minutes, sugar cube" She replies before heading out, "You'll be fine till then."

"Before you go," you say, "What's with the funky picture on your...derriere?"

"Checkin' mah flank already and ye haven't even taken me ta out fer dinner," she says teasingly, "How rude of ya. These 'pictures' as ya say are actually 'Cutie Marks' and define what we're darn good at."

She's right, what could possibly go wrong while she's gone?

You turn up the volume on your I-Pod as you slowly fighting off what could possibly be considered a miniature coma. You walk up to a nearby hay stack and close your eyes as you take a seat and you lean on it for support. However, you were completely oblivious to the bright flash of purple and pink somewhere in the distance. The flash soon cleared and revealed two unicorns, two pegasi and one very ecstatic earth pony.