Why Villains Don’t Take Over Equestria
By iAmSiNnEr
There was shouting from outside the throne room, the sounds of spells being thrown everywhere filtering through the heavy marble doors that stood between them and the intruder. Princess Twilight Sparkle sat on her throne, her mane flowing in an invisible wind as she gazed at the door along with her student, Luster Dawn, nervously biting on a hoof.
“Princess, are you sure we shouldn’t—” Luster started, but stopped when she saw Twilight hold up a hoof.
“Let them come,” Twilight gave Luster a warm smile. “It’ll be good practice for my guards, anyways. Besides…” She peered at her student. “It’s you I’m worried about. He kidnapped your friends and forced you to bring him past the walls of Canterlot… I’m surprised you even managed to make it to me.”
Luster averted her eyes. “I know, I know,” she mumbled. “I’ll have to practice my magic more.”
“No,” Twilight sighed gently as she looked back at the throne room doors. “I fear there is another lesson to be learned here—” As she spoke, the doors of the throne room were blasted open, marble and wood flying everywhere.
A stallion with his horn alit stepped in, a mask covering his features. “Surrender, Princess Twilight!” he shouted. “My name is Generic Villain, and I have come to take the throne!”
“Surely Chrysalis doesn’t think this new recruit is up to par, does she?” Twilight muttered. “There’s no way…”
“Princess?” Luster’s voice cut through Twilight’s thoughts. “W-what should we do?”
“Run, Luster,” Twilight gathered her thoughts and smiled at her student. “Find your friends. I’ll hold Mister Generic Villain here off while you do your thing. You got it?”
Luster’s eyes widened. “I could never abandon you, princess—!” With a flash of Twilight’s horn, Luster was teleported away to where Twilight hoped was Ponyville. Her long-range teleport skills could be a little off when she was distracted.
She stood up from her throne. “For the sake of my student, I hope you are not weak,” Twilight’s horn blazed with power, and Generic took a step back, his eyes wide. “She will need you to prove a challenge so she may learn the Magic of Friendship. I hope Chrysalis has taught you well.”
“Chrysalis?” Generic blinked slowly. “Isn’t she stone?”
Twilight stared back. “She didn’t send you?”
“Nope.”
“Ah. This is awkward.” Wait. I can use this. Didn’t Celestia and Luna tell me… “Well, since you have my dear student’s friends hostage, let us cut a deal.” Twilight flashed him a smile. “You let them go, I surrender the throne to you. Deal?”
“Very well.” Generic Villain stomped on the floor. “My loyal servants, capture Princess Twilight Sparkle and bring her to the dungeons!” At that, dozens of shadows flooded out of the walls to surround Twilight, ready to take her down.
“Wait.” Twilight tilted her head. “You want to take the throne? Not like, use me as a puppet?”
“Yes!” Generic Villain shouted. “What use is there of taking over Equestria if I cannot be the King?”
Twilight’s eyes widened, and she had to force herself to stop laughing. “Yeah, Chrysalis didn’t send you, she’d have told you otherwise. Anyways, I surrender myself, King Generic. Long live the new King of Equestria.” She levitated her crown onto the throne’s hoofrests, and smiled at Generic. “Shall we?”
“Take her away, my servants!”
“Just a thing.” Twilight’s horn light died down, and she sat back down on the throne, hooves held up in surrender.
“Yes?” Generic Villain sneered.
“I got rid of the dungeons when I became the Princess. They’re now libraries . You’ll have to find a new place to hold me in.”
Generic Villain laughed as he sat upon the throne, and he watched as the sun rose above the horizon. Speaking of which, he’d have to ask the ex-Princess Twilight to hand that duty over to him. If he was to be King, he’d act like one.
There was a knock on the newly repaired throne room doors. Speaking of which, those repair crews were fast. To be fair, there was an attack every few months or so on Equestria. It was probably best if the repair crews were fast.
“Come in,” Generic Villain said in his most regal tone. “Bow as you enter to see your new King.”
The throne room doors were opened by his shadows, and a mare wearing a suit stepped in, albeit a little shaky. “Your Majesty,” She bowed to Generic, making sure to look at the ground. “My name is Spell Whisper, Princess Twilight’s advisor. May I speak?”
“You already have, but continue.” Generic leaned back on the throne. “What is the matter?”
“Your Majesty, King Generic,” Spell raised her head. “When Princess Twilight was ruler of Equestria, she dealt with the Royal Court and the administrative matters of the Equestrian Government. Might I even say she enjoyed it? But as you are the new ruler, you will have to take over her duties. Especially the Royal Court.”
“Fine, fine,” Generic waved a hoof. “It’s just signing a few forms and listening to the common pony, right? How hard can it be?”
Famous last words.
“Princess Twilight!”
Twilight lounged on her comfortable couch, her snout deep in a book.
“Please!” The voice grew closer.
She looked up to see Generic Villain standing in front of her cell, well, more of an office that he had put bars on the windows of, but nevertheless she had been locked up here.
“Yes, Your Majesty?” Twilight hid a smile as she levitated a cup of orange juice and drank from the straw.
Generic was panting, but his eyes went wide at the sight of the cup of orange juice. “How in the…?”
“Oh, please,” Twilight took another sip. “I’m not the Princess anymore, but the guards still listen to me. And even then, I still have my magic to teleport in things I want, like this couch and book.”
He stared even more. “Then why haven’t you broken out?”
“Because I feel like it.” Twilight smirked. “Now, what do you need, King Generic?”
He blinked. “Uh…right!”
He stepped closer to the bars of the window to the office. “Please help me,” he begged. “I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much! How did you handle it on your own?”
“I might need some elaboration,” Twilight levitated her book up again. “Otherwise I can’t help you, Your Majesty.”
“THE PAPERWORK!” he cried. “THERE’S SO MUCH OF IT! First of all, I had to sign those acquisition forms, then next, I had to look over the import and export papers for Canterlot, then next—”
“The forms to approve changes to Canterlot,” Twilight said with some amusement. “Yes, the nobles do like to change everything at any given moment. I’m afraid you’ll have to handle it on your own, King Generic.”
“As your King, I order you to handle the paperwork!” Generic shouted.
“As much as I would like to,” Twilight grinned. “I don’t have the authority of the ruler of Equestria anymore. And I would like to enjoy my book. Thank you for taking over Equestria, King Generic. Have you been to the Royal Court yet?”
“Is that worse or better than paperwork?” Generic slumped against the wall.
“Oh, much worse.”
Once Generic left, groaning about his troubles, albeit having spitefully taken Twilight’s orange juice and book, Twilight glanced at the shadows. “Phase two of the plan, then,” she smirked. “Royal Court time!”
After a few days of Royal Court, Generic was exhausted.
So exhausted to the point where he wasn’t even listening to the pleas of those who had come to petition him anymore. His levitation sluggishly moved the quill to sign on the forms Spell Whisper kept bringing him, and he signed on them no matter what. He was too tired to read or listen. He really needed…sleep…
“Your Majesty!” A sharp voice cut through his thoughts, waking him from his drifting off. “As King of Equestria, you cannot fall asleep while the Royal Court is in session!”
“Eh?” He jolted up, his crown askew on his head. “Wha…oh, right.” He yawned as he signed yet another form, then looked at the next pony in line to petition him. Only there was just one left, a stallion in a suit wearing sunglasses. “Um…what request do you have?”
“My name is Law Regal,” The stallion said. “Your Majesty, as of today, the Royal Palace of Canterlot belongs to the ponies of Equestria, as of all of the money in the royal coffers. I am here today just to inform you should you notice things or money going missing—”
“Wait, what?” Generic shot up from the throne. “What gives you the right?!”
“You signed the form,” Law levitated a piece of paper to him. “This is a copy of the form you signed to give my firm the rights to everything the Royal Palace owns. Which includes that crown, so if you could hoof that over… my firm will ensure everything is sold well and distributed to the poor…”
“Wait, you can’t do this!” Generic tried to protest. “I am the King of Equestria! You can’t—”
“He can, actually.” Twilight was peering over his shoulder at the document. “You signed all rights over to the Twinkle Markle Law Firm. Did you not read what forms or listen to what requests were given to you?”
“There were too many— wait. Princess Twilight?” Generic yelped. “How in the world?”
“The castle belongs to someone else now,” Twilight said cheerfully. “They came to let me out. You know, I could help make this all go away.”
“How?” Generic immediately looked straight at Twilight in the eyes. “I’ll do anything!”
“Make me Princess again,” Twilight said with a straight face. “The contract is with the current ruler of Equestria, so it’ll be null and void should the ruler change. Then I’ll make you ruler of Equestria again. That way, you can avoid losing everything.”
“Of course, of course, anything!” Generic said desperately as he levitated the crown over. “Here!”
“Thanks!” Twilight balanced the crown on her head. “You may go now, Law Regal.”
“Of course, Your Majesty,” the lawyer bowed. “It was a pleasure.”
As the doors closed, Generic sighed in relief. “I didn’t lose everything…”
“Think on that again,” Twilight smirked as she sat on the throne. “Now that you understand the duties of the ruler of Equestria, are you sure you want to keep going?”
“You’re going to do them!” Generic raged. “There’s no way—”
“I’m sorry,” Twilight leaned in. “But you’re too weak. You can’t beat me. You see, I own Twinkle Markle Law Firm. Even if you were King again, I still own everything. Changing the ruler doesn’t change the contract.”
“But—”
“I lied, get over it,” Twilight grinned. “Besides, I have plans for you. Managing to kidnap my student’s friends…you have some potential to help her grow. Chrysalis, if you may?”
“Of course, Twilight Sparkle,” A sickeningly sweet voice spoke. “I’ll make sure he’s trained up.”
And with a pop of green magic and a yelp from Generic Villain, he was gone.
Generic was in a meeting room of sorts, surrounded by figures he vaguely recognized. There was an alicorn made of darkness, wearing silver armor, a centaur, a filly, a tall changeling…
Wait, weren’t these the villains of Equestria?
“Welcome to the Villain’s Club, Generic,” Chrysalis hissed. “Twilight Sparkle has asked us to ensure you are trained in the ways of evil…”
“What…?”
“You see,” Tirek drawled. “This is why I tried to blow up Equestria. Taking over the government is sooooo much pain.”
“And why I tried to destroy Time itself,” Starlight Glimmer lazily said as she leaned back in her chair. “I’m just here to supervise, don’t mind me.”
“I mind controlled a princess,” Chrysalis said helpfully. “She could help me do the paperwork then.”
“I just tried to kill them all!” Cozy said cheerfully.
“I waged war,” Sombra grumbled. “Easier to fight than read papers.”
Generic stared at the gathering of villains, jaw open. “What in the…?”
“You must be wondering what is happening,” Chrysalis grinned. “You see, Twilight Sparkle freed me from the stone with a request. We train new villains and send them against her student so said student learns the Magic of Friendship, easy as that.”
“And you are a new villain,” Tirek laughed. “So you shall learn!”
"Now that you understand our purpose," Chrysalis leaned forward. "Will you join the Villain Club to help us, Generic Villain?"
Generic sighed. "I see no other option."
"Very well!" Cozy chirped as she dropped a stack of papers on the desk. "You just have to sign this form and you're in!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!"
Author's Note
I'm finally back to writing! And with another shitpost! Gods, I have to stop doing these...
