It was NOT a kiss!

by One Harem Please

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2510

Silver Star accuses her of having cooties, a capital offense, but Coral Knight has a secret technique for overwhelming a colt's defenses...

(Thanks to Anzel and Crystal Wishes for the Quill and Blade stories that inspired this silly little story)

Boys make no sense at all. One minute they're playing freeze tag with you, the next they're arguing with you over the rules (that they're OBVIOUSLY WRONG about) like dumb idiots.

And worse, they accuse you of having cooties.

But fortunately for Coral Knight, she knows a secret, forbidden technique for overwhelming a colt's defenses! A tactical maneuver created by the greatest romance writer in the omniverse (her mom, obviously) and perfected in the fire of her father's obliviousness. Silver Star stands no chance!

Published 2024-05-29 22:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-29 22:30:00 UTC

Dealing with boys - Coral Knight

Coral Knight had learned a lot of things from Colonel Daddy and from her mother about how to behave in Canterlot. Daddy had taught her how a guard was supposed to behave, and mama had taught her some of the basics of high society. They'd prepared her to deal with anything from frosting spilled on her dress to a changeling attack.

Except for boys. Nothing about boys made sense. Her cousins were alright, and she teased Clement Knight relentlessly while she loved him as a sister should love her brother. But the boys at school were weird and smelly and nothing about them made sense.

Especially Silver Star. A young silver colt who, as far as the young filly could tell, was put on Equestria to get under her skin like a bad rash. He teased her all the time, and while she got her own licks in, he still irritated her. Like a changeling, but with a more punchable face.

Not that she'd ever do that to a colt, of course, it'd disappoint Daddy. Just think about it. A lot. And for good reason.

"I'm telling you, you unfreeze a pony by touching them!" Silver snapped.

"And I'm telling you you're wrong!" Coral scrunched up her nose. "Everypony knows you can unfreeze everypony by kicking a can!"

"Nu-uh! That's dumb! How're you supposed to win if everypony's running off in different directions if it's so easy to unfreeze everypony?! At the very least you need it to be a base, not a can!"

"That's the game! The whole point is to catch them as quick as you can while keeping the can safe! That's why they call it 'kick the can' in Manehattan!"

"That doesn't make any sense, tell her!"

The rest of the foals in the school yard were looking between each other, none of them willing to back up either of the two young ponies in this argument.

The school day was technically over, but they couldn't actually go home without parental supervision yet, and so the students were playing freeze tag. Silver had been 'it' in the foal's latest game. Pegasi couldn't fly and unicorns couldn't use magic, but Silver seemed born to chase ponies down, and had gotten everyone but Coral. She'd almost been caught as well, but was able to pull a soda can out of the trash and kicked it right into his face (that part had been an accident). Once he'd caught her, however, he'd declared victory, which was obviously untrue. And so the argument had begun.

"Aw come on, tell her!"

"They aren't backing you up because you're wrong, dummy!"

His head whipped back to her. "Don't call me dumb!"

"Oh right, calling you dumb would be an insult to DUMB people!" Coral shot back.

"If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid!" The black-maned colt yelled.

"You're the kind of colt that drinks poison juice instead of water!"

"You don't need beauty sleep, you need a comma!!"

"You're the colt equivalent of a participation award!"

Silver clearly had no idea what that meant, but kept going anyway. "Your mane is the reason shampoo bottles need instructions!"

"MY MOM DOES MY MANE AND IT'S A PERFECT BLEND OF FUNCTION AND ASCETIC!" She shouted back, not entirely sure what the word actually meant but she loved her mane; long, but curled just enough to keep it out of her line of sight. Beautiful but functional. "Who does yours, your blind sister?!"

Silver Star drew back like she'd slapped him. His mane was messy and short, but judging from the disgusted look on his face he took a lot of pride in it. Probably. "Oh if there's a line you just pranced right over it, ugly!" He snarled.

She smirked. "What's wrong, can't finish a war you started?"

"I'd rather go to war than have cooties! Dummy!" Silver Star spat, and Coral bristled. Calling her dumb was one thing, even insulting her mane, but cooties?! That was a clear escalation. And he clearly knew it from the sudden surge of anger and disgust in his voice.

"Don't call me a dummy, butter bar, you're the one who believes in cooties!" She snapped.

"What kind of insult is that?!" He snarled. "Butter's great in a bar!"

"My daddy's a Colonel!" She pouted. "Cooties would be a security risk, I'd know!"

"Yes, you are a security risk and you know it!"

"You keep lying about me and I'll kick your butt!"

Star stuck his tongue out at her. "The butt doesn't hurt, dummy, you gotta go for the face!"

She very nearly did, but the two's shouting and arguing was starting to attract attention from students outside their game, and the teachers. The students were whispering among themselves; Coral couldn't tell who they were siding with, but it seemed the teachers were looking at her instead of him. She was about to get in trouble when all she'd done was retaliate to her enemy's attack!

The triumphant smirk on the young colt's face was, in that moment, the most evil and horrific thing in all of Equestria to her. Grogar had nothing on that dumb colt's smirk.

... Wait.

That dumb colt's smirk!

She still had one option: a secret technique she'd learned from a combination of observing her parents, her various aunties/uncles, and from sneaking peaks at Mom's romance novels when nopony was looking. If she did it properly, no one's defenses could stand against it! And a knight did EVERYTHING properly!

She lunged forward and pressed her lips to his.

The shocked silence in the yard was only broken by the sound of confused whimpering. It was Coral's turn to smirk as she pulled away, seeing the sudden shock on the colt's face, with just a hint of horror.

Ha! Success! Clearly he'd been unprepared for her blitzkrieg! Colonel Daddy would be so proud of her once he heard. Now for the coup de grace! Mom's special attack!!

She fluttered her eyelashes at him, doing her best to mimic her mom's coy look.

Star screamed and ran out of the yard, taking off before he even made it out of the no fly zone.

"HA!" Coral Knight yelled, throwing a hoof into the air. "VICTORY!! SUCK MY HORN, YOU DIRTY-"

"CORAL CANDYLICIOUS KNIGHT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!"

Coral's purple coat turned ghost-white faster than a switch being flipped. "Oh no."

Her mother was walking her way, but it wasn't Crystal Wishes, romance author and charity organizer of Equestria-wide distinction. The beautiful blonde-and-pinked maned mare stalking towards her own daughter wasn't her mom, she was the mommy monster, a creature that only came out when she'd done something really wrong. And for such a beautiful, kind, well-put together mare of class with a small heart painted on her cheek, it was remarkable in that moment how much she looked like an angry timber wolf.

Coral immediately stood at attention. Colonel Daddy was right, she should never repeat anything she overhears Major Sunny saying.

Author's Note

Coral Knight/Crystal WIshes aren't my OCs, they belong to Anzel and Crystal Wishes. Unfortunately neither is on the site anymore, but their stories are great and you should read them.

More to come.

Dealing with girls - Star

The panicking colt's thoughts raced only slightly slower than he was currently rushing home. Okay, he wasn't supposed to be rushing out like this, but the teachers would surely understand! He'd been infected with cooties! If he didn't get treatment, before the day was out, he'd... he'd...

... what did cooties actually do? Would he not be able to play hoofball anymore? Would his friends stop talking to him?! Oh wait he didn't have friends and didn't play hoofball... okay problem for later. First, cure cooties. Second, figure out what he'd actually lose out on if he did get it again. Third, get the things so he could lose out on them... wait... shouldn't he get those before curing the cooties...? Well too late for that.

He got home in what he was pretty sure was record time, mostly because he forgot to slow down before he crashed through the window to the kitchen.

"SIS! SIS!!" He crashed through the window and knocked his older sister over as she yelped in surprise. The silver colt and oily black mare tumbled across the ground in a heap, landing with the colt on top and his older sister beneath him. "What do cooties do?!"

"... Cooties?" The unicorn looked at him with her one remaining eye like he'd grown a second head.

Wait, could that happen?! Is that where Cerberus came from?!

"Celestia no!" He cried, grasping his head as panic overwhelmed him. "We can't afford more toothpaste! WHAT IF I GET FLEAS?! I need an inoculation!"

"Toothpa-?! How do you know what an inoculation is but not that cooties aren't real?"

"SIS THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES!" He grabbed her by the neck and started shaking. "DO I HAVE TO GET NEUTERED?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT IT SOUNDS-"

The one eyed mare shoved her hoof right into the young colt's mouth, which didn't stop him from talking but did mercifully take the volume down by a couple of octaves. (Mercifully for her but also for him, as he suddenly realized his ears were ringing. Had he been yelling again?)

"Back up," she said slowly. "and start from the beginning. Why are you upset?"

Star waited a moment for his big sister to remove her hoof from his mouth, then said "A girl kissed me today."

"... and that's... upsetting?"

He nodded vigorously. "She infected me!"

Big Sis' eye narrowed, and she leaned in closer. "Explain."

So he did.

As the two talked, they made their way to the couch and sat together, one adult sister with her barely old enough for schooling little brother. Over the course of his explanation, North Star's look went from concern to amusement and finally to outright laughing. She didn't want to, but she did.

He pouted. "Girls are mean."

Only when we like you, she thought to herself.

But the stallion shook his head. "No, all the time!"

Had she said that aloud? Hrm.

"If you say so." She chuckled, ruffling his mane. "Now listen, okay? 'Cooties' aren't real. They're a thing kids made up to keep away from the opposite gender."

"The what?"

"Girls."

"Then why do I look at girls and feel all funny?"

She raised the eyebrow over her eyepatch. "That's perfectly normal."

He shook his head. "No it isn't. The guys you meet-"

"-are adults, as am I." She interrupted. "You are a kid, and it's perfectly normal at your age to feel weird. It just means you're starting to notice girls."

He stared at her for a moment, then tilted his head. "In what way?"

The innocent questions of a colt that had no idea how awkward he was being right that second.

North took a deep breath to steady herself. She had not really been prepared to raise a child, at least in her own estimation, but Silver was a bright kid when he wasn't panicking. She'd found the best way to handle him was to explain things as calmly and plainly as she could.

"Remember how I said everything in life comes with time and effort?"

He nodded.

"And you see how stallions and mares like hanging out with each other when they grow up, yes?"

"Yeah," He pouted. "Seen 'em kissing, too. It's gross and weird."

"It sounds gross and weird to you right now," she corrected. "But when you're older, trust me, you'll enjoy kisses, and mare company. Possibly more than stallions."

"More than my big sis?"

She chuckled and ruffled his mane again. "Sweet of you, but yes. Kind of. It's a different kind of enjoyment from family."

"Wait..." His eyes widened. "Coral Knight kissed me! She's an adult!"

Wait WHAT?! North Star felt her muscles bulge, and a sudden surge of protective rage. OH SOMEONE AT THAT SCHOOL WAS GETTING FED INTO A WOODCHI-

"I thought you had to get a cutie mark, at least!" He yelled. "She's not much taller than I am! How can she be an adult already?!"

Oh thank goodness, it was a little girl like him, he was just being lovably dumb. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"That is not what I meant, sheriff." She said, patting his head. "Anyone can kiss. Eventually, you'll probably want to. I mean, some ponies don't, and there's nothing wrong with that, but my point is the 'cootie' phase is temporary. It's something everypony goes through."

"So why'd she kiss me, then? If she's not an adult she shouldn't enjoy it yet right?"

"I don't know for sure, I'd have to meet her. Best guess, she probably did it just to mess with you since you were teasing her." North Star said, frowning at him, "If you really don't want Coral to kiss you again, then I suggest you stop teasing her about cooties."

"She sent me into a panic just because she wanted to?" He pouted. "Girls are really mean."

North Star sighed. "Star, you messed with her first."

"Just because I was mean first, doesn't mean she wasn't mean too!"

She opened her mouth to answer, then closed it. Not exactly the lesson he was supposed to be learning, but it was a good one at least. No point in trying to shoot it down.

"So long as you understand that goes both ways. She was mean to you, but that doesn't mean you weren't mean, too. You owe her an apology."

"She kissed me so she should apologize first."

"No, you're going to apologize whether she does or not and if she doesn't do it first, you will."

"Aw, that's dumb!"

"Star." She frowned. "What have I told you?"

He stared at her for a moment, then grumbled "Do the right thing because it's right, whether it's receipt- recirp- returned or not."

"Yes."

He looked away from North for a bit, and said nothing. Just when she was beginning to think he'd refuse, he finally mumbled out, "I'll tell her I'm sorry at school tomorrow."

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Monday, then."

Despite herself, North snickered. "You have Monday off."

He scowled. "When I see her next then okay! Geez."

She smiled and pulled him into a hug. "Good Star."

"...Thanks sis." He returned the hug for a few moments, then his ears perked up. "Sis, I just thought of something."

"Yeah?"

"I'm Silver Star, you're North Star. We both have 'star' in our name. Calling me 'Star' but not you doesn't make any sense."

She stared at her little brother, then chuckled. "As you say, little sheriff. Now, tell me who this Coral Knight is so I can pay her parents a visit."

And apologize for my little brother being a twat.

Silver Star tilted his head. "What's a twat?"

Dammit.