A/N: All wordy bits are purely nonsensical nonsense I made up off the top of my head, so don't worry if it makes no sense to you, because nonsensical nonsense makes no sense.
She's a Glitch
Twilight Sparkle casually strolled through Ponyville. The day was clear, bar the odd cloud here and there that Rainbow Dash had left around to snooze on. Passing the Carousel Boutique, Rarity could be heard singing as she worked on her next masterpiece. Fluttershy was spotted at one end of the marketplace, fetching food for her mass of animal guests. At the other end, Applejack was being swarmed by the morning rush. Everything was calm, everything was peaceful, and everything was, much to Twilight’s joy, orderly. This was how life was meant to be lived.
Today, Twilight planned to visit the Cakes. She knew she was also going to see Pinkie Pie, but purely because she lived and worked there. She still didn’t know how that came to be. She knew of Pinkie’s family on the rock farm, and also of the arrangements Pinkie and the Cakes had now, but not where the two crossed. Then again, she’d never bothered to ask. It seemed impolite to ask, and if it was important, they’d have told her. She was one of Pinkie’s best friends after all.
She opened the door to SugarCube Corner, bell ringing overhead, and entered the shop. The great smell of all kinds of sugary sweets and pastries assaulted her nostrils. Oh, if only they weren’t so fattening. I’d eat them all day, every day. I know Celestia does. I noticed even her Godly metabolism hasn’t stopped some fat finding its way to her rump. Mrs. Cake was stood at the counter, a concerned look on her face. But then, she noticed Twilight arriving and put on a smile.
“Miss Sparkle! What gives us the pleasure of your visit so early in the day?” she asked, ever so formal with Celestia’s pupil.
“I came to make an order. It’s my brother’s first anniversary in a month’s time and I’d like to have some sweets for a visit of his, to mark the occasion.”
“Oh really? Who’s your brother?”
“Errr…”
Twilight didn’t really want to say, but the portly mare was going to persist until she got her answer.
Quietly, she replied, “…Shining Armour…”
“THE Shining Armour!? Married to C-”
“Yes!” Twilight interrupted. “It’s a private and highly secret thing if you wouldn’t mind? We don’t want everypony rushing to meet her.”
“Of course, I won’t tell a soul.”
Unlikely, Twilight thought.
“Well, what is it you want for this thing?”
“I have a list here, just let me-”
“Hi Twilight!”
Out of nowhere Pinkie Pie had appeared right behind Twilight. The unicorn would have screamed if this wasn’t to be expected of the pink and pinker Earth pony.
“Pinkie Pie!?” Mrs. Cake exclaimed. “I thought you were meant to be down in the basement with Carrot?” Twilight noticed the Cake glance at her. “You know, working on that ‘new recipe’?”
“Oh that? Mr. Cake’s finishing it off.”
“Really? But-”
Pinkie vanished before their very eyes. This wasn’t really unusual. However, she would normally be hidden behind something so no-one saw her do it. In fact, this was the first time Twilight had witnessed the event. Mrs. Cake mumbled something and rushed to the basement door. Just before she reached the handle, the portal swung open, thick black smoke pouring out. As the smoke thinned, Mr. Cake could be seen crawling up the stairs, coughing so much Twilight feared he might cough up his lungs.
Twilight lifted him the rest of the way and onto a seat. She then summoned a small gust to blow off excess soot. She took note of how, instead of his commonly worn cooking apron, the stallion wore a lab coat. He was also missing his hat, but still had the bow tie. His coat was soot free around his eyes, showing the shape of a pair of goggles being recently worn. Mrs. Cake went to fetch a glass of water. When she returned, Mr. Cake drank it all in one.
“Ahhhh, much better, thank you. But we mustn’t dilly dally. Miss Sparkle, we need your help!”
“What? Why? What was all that smoke about?”
“Pinkie and I were ‘experimenting a new recipe’ when she ‘ate some of the super special ingredient’. Now she’s ‘more hyper than ever’. She needs capturing and controlling while we ‘get it out of her system’.”
Twilight couldn’t help but hear the quotation marks surrounding all those phrases. And that didn’t explain the smoke. Something was off, but the sense of urgency sounded genuine enough, and Pinkie was certainly… ‘off’.
“Alright! Can you walk Mr. Cake?”
“Yes,” he replied, stand confidently on all fours. He turned to his wife. “Cup, look after the foals.”
“But Car-”
“Everything will be alright. It’s only a minor complication.”
This seemed to calm Mrs. Cake down. A minor complication in what? The recipe can’t be that important can it? Before she could ask, Carrot had galloped out of the building. It can wait. Twilight followed the chef outside.
Carrot had stopped and was anxiously looking around, trying to find his quarry. At first, there was no sign of the party pony, but then a smashing sound could be heard from the marketplace. When the two ponies arrived at the scene, it was too late. Pinkie was gone, leaving Applejack sat on her haunches, rubbing one front leg with the other’s hoof. She stared, dumbstruck, at her obliterated stall.
“Applejack! Are you okay?” Twilight called out.
“I… I…” She shook her head roughly. “I think so. I’m just… shocked is all.”
“What happened?”
“I was just serving somepony, and when I turned back from my apples, she was gone, and there was Pinkie in her place. She asked for a hoof wrestle, but before I could say no, she already had my hoof and slammed it into the stall. Then it looked like she just flickered away.”
“Oh dear… Who did she replace?” Carrot asked.
“Erm… I think it was… Minuette?”
“Poor mare…” Carrot continued to mumble the rest of whatever it was he had to say.
All the apples Applejack had left were now ruined. Twilight wanted to help clear up, but Pinkie was becoming more and more in need of restraint. In fact, she might need Applejack’s ranch skills.
“AJ, do you have your rope on you?”
“Er, yeah. Why d’ya ask sugarcube?”
“We need to catch Pinkie,” Twilight explained.
“She’s not well,” added Mr. Cake.
“Ya think? But what about this here mess?”
“No time for that!”
Twilight grabbed Applejack’s hoof and dragged her away from the scene, Carrot following them.
“We need Rainbow Dash,” Twilight thought aloud. “We don’t have a hope in hell of finding Pinkie without eyes in the sky.”
“But where will we find Dash?”
“What the hay!?” the mare in question yelled from a nearby café table. “I was- … Where’d she go?”
“What’s going on Rainbow?” Twilight asked, even though she already knew the answer.
“Pinkie showed up and ruined my date!” replied the frustrated Pegasus.
“I beg your pardon!” exclaimed AJ. “You? On a date?”
“Well, Soarin said it was just to get to know me as part of recruitment to the Wonderbolts, but I know he digs me.”
“But… er…”
“What is it AJ? Don’t believe me? If it weren’t for Pinkie Pie, he’d still be here as proof.”
“It’s not that… It’s… Just…” Applejack nervously rubbed the back of her neck. “Soarin’s not exactly into… ponies like you.”
“What are you trying to say?” RD flew closer to glare straight into AJ’s eyes.
“He… He…”
“Spit it out!”
AJ sighed. “Buck it! He’s got the hots for my cousin Braeburn.”
“WHAT!? Him again? Celestia dammit!”
“DASH!” Twilight cut in, shocked at her friend's use of their Princess’ name.
“That’s like, what, the seventh or eighth stallion I’ve tried for and they're all over Braeburn.”
“He is quite the charmer,” Applejack commented.
“Argh! Everypony’s gay for Braeburn! That’s it! I’m switching sides too. I’m a mare’s mare from this point on! Hey AJ, wanna go out on a date?”
“Huh… Wha-… I… Hubba… Guh… I… ah… erm… that is to say…” Applejack looked truly flustered.
“Enough of this! Rainbow Dash, what did Pinkie do?” demanded Twilight.
Applejack was still bumbling to herself. The other three ponies ignored her for the time being.
“She just popped up, speed talking her usual ‘New Pony’ speech, faster than I’ve ever heard her, and I’m sure she said some other random things and sounds in between words. That and she repeated the speech three times. Then she pulled out three Party Cannons, fired them all at once, sprouting a third foreleg, and sent Soarin flying with all the confetti.”
“Alright! Dash, we need you to take to the skies and spot her. She’s not in a good state, and if we don’t find her soon, somepony else is going to suffer.”
As if on cue, Rarity’s trademark scream pierced everypony’s eardrums. Some of those around accompanied it with their own screams. Hooves were put to ears, heads went to the ground, and some of the town’s denizens galloped in random directions in panic.
One pony, green coated mare with a brown and blue mane, shouted, “Sweet Pony Jesus! Just kill me now and get it over with!”
Berry Punch was sat with this mare, and seemed to be nodding in agreement; her eyes scrunched shut in pain.
Applejack snapped back to her senses and led the charge onwards to the Boutique. The screaming had stopped by the time they made it to the doorway. All the windows of the building had shattered from the noise, and the door hung on its hinges, the pitch of the scream having managed to break the lock. The ever-growing party of Pinkie Pie hunting ponies rushed inside. Once more, the culprit was out of sight.
In the main room of Carousel Boutique, there lay in the corner, curled up in a ball and twitching, a pink and pinker Rarity. Her mane style, eye colour and cutie mark remained the same as always, but she had the fur, mane and tail colourations of Pinkie Pie.
“Oh… my…Celestia…” Twilight said quietly.
“Oh dear me,” said Carrot.
“What in the worlds gotten into Pinkie to make her do this to her own friend?” asked Applejack.
“I wanna know how she did it? I don’t think that’s paint,” Rainbow observed.
Twilight turned to Mr. Cake and stared daggers at him. “Yes. How did she do this? And what’s really going on here? I’m starting to doubt she’s really just high on some sugar; more so than I already did.”
“Ah, well… ahem, you see… shouldn’t we be focusing on catching her?” The stallion tugged at his lab coat’s collar as he said this, sweat glistening on his coat where it wasn’t covered by clothing.
“You’re quite right.” Twilight looked over at poor Rarity. “Hey AJ?”
“Yes Twi?”
“Do you think you can carry Rarity on your back as far as the spa so they can help her relax and maybe clean out whatever it is making her so pink?”
“Sure thing sugar cube. Help me get her up RD.”
“I doubt they’ll be able to help with the coat,” Carrot muttered, Twilight only just catching it.
“Oh really? Well, that’s another thing you can explain while the two of us go to Fluttershy’s.”
“Why Fluttershy’s?”
“Pinkie seems to be visiting every one of her best friends, and Shy’s the only mare left.”
“Ah.”
“We’re ready over here Twi,” Dash called over.
“Okay. You help AJ with Rarity, then get to Fluttershy’s ASAP. We might need you.” Rainbow Dash made a salute, and she and Applejack headed out the door. “Oh, and AJ?” The farm pony looked over. “If you think she’ll be ok with the spa ponies, you follow suit.” Applejack nodded.
Once she found herself alone with Carrot Cake, Twilight Sparkle took one last look around the still orderly looking Boutique. Then, she ushered the pâtissier out of the shop and they trotted side by side across town to Fluttershy’s cottage.
“Start talking.”
“Where do I start?”
“What is wrong with Pinkie Pie?”
“To put it simply, she’s malfunctioning.”
“Sorry. What? How can a living being ‘malfunction’?”
“That’s just the thing. She… isn’t living, so to speak. Robots don’t live. They just… run.”
Twilight skidded to a halt. “What did you just say? It sounded like you said-”
“Yes; a Robot,” Carrot cut in, also stopping. “The real Pinkie Pie died before she got to Ponyville. The one everypony in town knows is a Robot designed by me, with help from my wife.”
“You’re kidding right? I mean, that sort of technology is miles ahead of our current level of science.”
Mr. Cake sighed before revealing his darkest secret.
“Cup and I… we aren’t from this time. We’re from a far off future where Pinkie’s death led to eternal night. We were both raised amongst the resistance force, created by you and the other living Elements of Harmony. So, in time, I worked on a Time Machine. And this,” He pointed to his bow tie. “-Is the result. We came back to before Pinkie’s death, but failed to save her from choking on a pie to the face. It was then that I started work on my next greatest invention: Robot Pinkie Pie.”
“Bwah?”
“Only, the world likes to keep ponies dead, so a normal Robot programmed to be exactly like Pinkie Pie wouldn’t survive very long at all. The Pinkie I eventually made is more appropriately called a Glitch. She defies logic and physics constantly so the world and its fates can’t get a hold of her. As a side effect, she also sees snippets of other worlds. There was this one time she wouldn’t stop going on about ‘her favourite world’, where we’re apparently all a cartoon show.”
“Vuh?”
“Of course, we don’t have televisions in this time; always forgetting that.” Carrot lightly tapped a hoof against his head. “But on with the problem in hand!”
Carrot started galloping Shy-wards, Twilight only just managing to make herself do the same, her brain in shambles.
“I was doing some routine maintenance on the girl when her CPU spontaneously rebooted itself, all on its own. It’s a problem I’ve worried would happen with a semi sentient machine like her. I was fidgeting with her motherboard and the sudden motion of turning on jarred me, causing me to knock her insides up a bit. She literally has a few crossed wires. I don’t know the specifics without a proper analysis, but I think the problem’s with her subtlety drive and defiance limiter. I’m also willing to bet that Pinkie traded colours with Rarity.”
Twilight shook her head vigorously. This was all too much to take in one sitting- er, running.
“Ok. Even if I was to believe everything you just said, I still don’t get one thing. Why stay here, and not return to the new future you’d made?”
“If Cup and I were to return to our time, we’d disappear. The time jump was a one way thing once we changed everything. We probably don’t exist back there anymore. We can only continue to exist, and therefore continue Pinkie 3.14’s existence too, if we stay here. We are now established in this time-zone permanently.”
“3.14?”
“Starting from 2.0, there’ve been a lot of upgrades.”
“And why cake makers?”
“It was a small hobby of ours, considering our special talents. It’s how the two of us met. It’s a small and mainly unnoticeable job. Lastly, it was the perfect role to host Pinkie in. Ah, we’re here.”
Their destination came into view. It appeared undisturbed. Animals were still going about their daily business. And there was Fluttershy, flittering between her little friends, tending to one after another.
“It’s quiet,” Twilight stated.
Carrot agreed, “Too quiet.”
Then there she was. A miniature, Rarity coloured Pinkie Pie bounced amongst the critters in Fluttershy’s garden. The dainty Pegasus’ eyes passed right over the phenomenon, distracted by her job. Carrot and Twilight slowly crept towards the other two ponies. Pinkie followed Fluttershy everywhere over the garden. Then came the familiarly loud sound of a certain sound other Pegasus’ approach.
“Hey Twilight I’m back! And AJ’s on her way!”
Fluttershy, startled, finally noticed her friend and the pastry chef.
“Oh, Twilight, Rainbow, Mr. Cake? What are you doing here? If you don’t mind me asking.”
Before the other two could make something up, Rainbow Dash answered, “We’re looking for Pinkie Pie. You haven’t seen her have you?”
Twilight noticed the mare in question had disappeared yet again.
“No, I haven’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s probably good that she hasn’t,” RD whispered to Twilight and Carrot.
“If you don’t mind, I have to feed more of the animals. I do hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all Shy,” Twilight said, subtly scouring the area for Pinkie. Surely she wouldn’t leave without doing something.
Carrot went on to quietly inform Rainbow Dash the same as he had with Twilight, with a couple of changes in places to simplify the matter. Fluttershy got on with her work, ignoring Twilight searching the area. Eventually, an exhausted Applejack arrived, and RD and Mr. Cake explained the full extent of the situation to her too. Twilight was having no luck with the search. It was a possibility that Pinkie had left to do something else.
“And now, last but not least, my little Angel. You’ve been awfully quiet. Here, for waiting so patiently you get a little extra.”
Fluttershy placed two carrots in front of her pet rabbit Angel. He stared blankly back at his owner and companion. Then, his head began to expand rapidly.Oh no, Twilight thought. His whole body exploded with confetti, no sign of his body ever being there. Out of the confetti flew a white coated Pinkie Pie with purple mane and tail.
“SUR- SURPR-PRISE-SE!” She yelled at the top of her apparently artificial lungs.
Fluttershy had her widened eyes fixed on Angel’s last known location, jaw hanging open.
“D-Did I sur-sur-surprisssssssssssssssse you Fluttersh-sh-sh-sh-sh Flu- shy? Did I? Did I? Did I?” the party pony asked in quick succession, each ‘Did I?’ accompanied by a new Pinkie appearing at Flutters left, right and behind, in that order.
“Quick AJ; your rope!” Twilight ordered.
“But which one?”
“All of them!”
“I’ll get Shy!” RD shouted as she picked up the stone solid softy.
AppleJack’s lasso wrapped around the four Pinkies, pulling them together. Suddenly there was only one again, and then that one popped out of existence, reappearing on top of the cottage.
“Ooo- oooo- ooo, are we- CUST- playing -ARD- a game?” she asked, excitement bubbling in her voice.
“Pinkie Pie! We need you to calm down and let us help you. You’re not well!” Carrot said, trying his best to sound calm.
“Silly Mr. Cake. I’m fine. I feel- ‘Watch as I do my Gypsy Magic!’ super-duper.”
“No, Pinkie. You really aren’t.”
“I don’t wananananananana. I’m- CUP- having ffffffffffffun- CAKES with Fluttershy.”
“FUN!?” Rainbow exclaimed. “Look at her. Does she look like she’s having fun to you?”
“Yepperoony! Tonnes of it. We’rrrrrrrrrre all up in that- ‘Eye of the Newt and Cinnamon!’ fun. We’re having so mu- mu- mu- mu- much fun that-”
The second most ear-splitting scream of the day burst forth from Fluttershy’s lips.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
Tears flowed in torrents from her eyes. Twilight noticed a good number of animals crying too. Pinkie watched the liquid run endlessly from the yellow Pegasus’ tear ducts.
“I… I… made Flutter- ter- tershy… c- c- c- cry?”
Her mane and tail depoofed. Shortly following, her body went limp and she tumbled off the rooftop. Twilight caught her with lavender hued magic.
Carrot complimented her, “Great catch Miss Sparkle.”
“Thank you. Now I hope you can sort everything out Mr. Cake, or else a certain Princess may hear about this, and your story.”
“Of course; I can get back the missing pony and rabbit, and return colours to how they were. Just follow me back to the lab.”
So they did, Twilight Sparkle carrying a shutdown Pinkie Bot, and Rainbow Dash helping a now quietly sobbing Fluttershy walk steady.
Everypony sat around a table in Sugar Cube Corner. Everypony except Pinkie Pie, who was in the process of a full reboot in ‘Safe Mode’, in the Cake’s secret basement laboratory. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were explaining Pinkie Pie’s ‘unique’ condition to Rarity and Fluttershy, the former being her normal colours and the latter cuddling Angel. Carrot was telling Twilight of what happened to Angel and Minuette.
“You see, to get around like she does Pinkie Pie jumps in and out of The Void, a place outside of time and space, between worlds. So, when she appeared in the same point in time and space as Minuette, the poor mare was kicked into The Void, while in a catatonic state, thus explaining lack of any memories of the event. Angel was purposefully put there too so Pinkie could pretend to be him.”
“Oooohhhh.”
“Um… If everypony’s okay with it, I’d like to tell you my own little secret,” Fluttershy said, the explanations now finished.
Angel looked at her with a concerned look.
“It’s alright Angel. I’m sure they’ll understand once I tell them the truth. They did with Pinkie.”
Angel still looked concerned but waved a paw as if to say, “Get on with it then.”
“What is it Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked her oldest friend.
“Well, you see, I-” Fluttershy paused in thought. “It might be better if I just show you. Just… let me have talk after okay?”
All present nodded. With that, Fluttershy was engulfed in a bright green flame. Once the flame dissipated, she stood there in all her black and green Changeling glory.
Everypony looked on in stunned silence. All except for the green coated mare from earlier, who had tailed the group since Rarity’s scream, and was now eavesdropping.
“Sweet Pony Jesus!”
