Obnoxious Writer and Clueless User Get Edgy

by TacticalRainboom

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character, Sex, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1785

Obnoxious Writer has a plan. It involves Clueless User. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Frustrated at being used as a bad example in a public blogpost for all to see, Obnoxious Writer decides he's going to break new ground and create a story that's sure to earn him the admiration he deserves. It involves his fellow example-pony Clueless User. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan.

Please, please downvote the everloving Faust out of this.

Pic utterly unrelated, but there is a proper cover image for this fic in the works, amusingly enough.

Published 2012-10-09 15:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-09 15:00:01 UTC

Chapter 0.5

“Man, why do those idiots with the blogposts keep telling us what to do? That one guy isn't even a pony!”

Two ponies were walking down an abstract path somewhere on the website, one of them humming tunelessly to herself, the other scowling at the nothing-in-particular all around. Were such a thing possible, the second pony's arms would be firmly crossed across his chest. As it was, he needed his forelegs for walking.

“Hmph. I hate how he acts like I need his help.”

Clueless didn't reply for a few moments. She just took a seat on a flat surface and started diddling her lips as always, a habit that always annoyed Obnoxious. “I sort of liked his advice,” Clueless finally said. “I thought what he said about adverbs and grizzly bears was really funny.”

Obnoxious reared high in order to shrug theatrically, flicking his blue-on-black mane away from his eyes. “Whatever. You can worship that arrogant loser all you want, while I... hold on.” He turned to Clueless and narrowed his eyes. “I don't remember anything like that. What did he say about grizzly bears, exactly?”

Clueless stared into the distance pensively. “I can't remember, actually. It had to do with adverbs. But it was really funny, and really helpful too!”

“I'm sure it was,” Obnoxious grumbled. “I don't know why he needed me for that post anyway! You're the one who can't write.”

“What do you mean?” Clueless huffed, getting back on her feet. Hooves. She kicked her chair, sliding it away—for she had been sitting on a chair—and stuck out her lower lip. “He told you off for stuff too!”

Obnoxious smirked. It was a vindictive smirk. “Like what?” he challenged.

Clueless' face went from indignant to pouty. Obnoxious turned his back, thoroughly vindicated.

“I remember one thing,” Clueless said. “He said that a thousand monkeys at keyboards would write better than you...”

Obnoxious turned around with a warning glare.

“... Because at least the monkeys would type nonsense instead of something obnoxious.”

Obnoxious was suddenly right in front of Clueless' face. “You don't even know what that word means, so shut your mouth! That jerk only calls me out like that because he's jealous of what I write!”

Clueless raised her muzzle in defiance. “The blogpost said it, not me! Besides, I totally know what it means!”

“Oh yeah? What does it mean, then?” Obnoxious leaned forward so that their noses almost touched—and they would have, if Clueless hadn't taken a step backwards.

“It means you don't know what an adverb is!” Clueless spat.

“Yeah, right!” The larger pony stomped a forehoof, glaring even harder. “That's not what it means at all!”

“Well then you tell me what it means.”

“Obnoxious means loud and annoying,” Obnoxious said smugly. “Shows how much you know, Clueless.”

A long few moments passed in silence as both ponies contemplated those words. Eventually, the victory on Obnoxious' face disappeared with an almost audible click. Without another word, he turned and went back to walking down the path.

“I hope I someday write something that the blogponies actually like,” Clueless mused.

Obnoxious just grunted.

“What do you think?” Clueless said, glancing over at where Obnoxious sat with his forelegs resting on the bar.

“I think I'm going to write something really edgy,” Obnoxious said, taking a solid hit of his drink. “Something with such a cool premise, even he won't be able to deny how cool it is!”

Clueless started to finger—hoof—her lips again absentmindedly as she took a seat on the couch. Eventually, she broke the stream of vocal bubbling to speak her mind. “But some of those Pokemon he likes to send out seem pretty smart. And a lot of ponies like the stories that they write...”

“Those writers are totally overrated. Ponies just read that mainstream slice-of-life junk because they don't understand geniuses like me.”

“Well, they get into the featured box a lot,” Clueless said, swirling her own drink idly. “That means they're doing something right.”

Obnoxious made a noise that sounded like a growl. “The featured box just has stupid stuff that appeals to people who don't know better,” he said, spinning on his stool to face Clueless. “I deserve the featured box way more than those losers.”

Clueless sighed, while still thumbing—hoofing—her lips. “I wonder what I'll write next,” Clueless said, sighing and thumbing her lips with a hoof. “I never seem to have good ideas. Sometimes they don't even reach the 700 word minimum.”

“Now that's the mark of an amateur,” Obnoxious smirked. “I have almost five ideas saved in a document, but I can't tell anyone about them or they might steal them.”

“You mean the one about the alicorn going to Namek?” Clueless offered.

Obnoxious jumped off his stool and backed Clueless up against a tree. “What did you just say?” he accused.

Clueless stuck out her lower lip again. “You posted that on the forums last week,” she said with a sour expression. “Not my fault.”

Obnoxious took a deep breath, looking like he was about to shout at Clueless... and then a terrifying grin crossed his face. “Lucky you, Clueless User,” he said darkly, his dark blue and black mane falling across his left eye. "You get to co-star in what I'm writing next." His face turned dark as he darkly pushed Clueless down onto the bed.

“I think I've been writing the wrong side of the Mature tag.” The word mature came out as a chuckle.

“What are you talking about?” Clueless sputtered, looking up at Obnoxious with a question mark.

“I'm going to create a story that's about me,” Obnoxious said. His smile went from dark to predatory. “That way people are sure to like it. And...” He edged closer to the bed where Clueless was splayed out, his horrifyingly excited expression just getting worse and worse. “It's going to be a clo—”

“But we're siblings! Supposedly!” Clueless said in horror, scooting away from where Obnoxious loomed.

“Good!” Obnoxious grabbed Clueless by the tail and dragged her back towards him. “That makes it edgy!”

“Do people like to read edgy?” Clueless wondered out loud. She had stopped cringing, and now sounded genuinely interested.

“Well, duh! That's the only reason anypony liked Fallout Equestria, right?” Obnoxious brought his forehooves down on either side of Clueless' body.

“I... I guess,” Clueless said reluctantly. “Will this really get me into the featured box?”

“Of course not!” Obnoxious snorted, rolling his eyes. “But I'll give you credit when I make it into the featured box. I'm a better writer anyway. Trust me, I should be the one in charge.”

“But what about them?” Clueless pointed across the path to where Trixie and Twilight Sparkle sat on a park bench, smiling at each other over a milkshake. “Maybe we should hide behind some kind of disclaimer or author's no—”

She was muffled by Obnoxious coming down for a ferocious kiss.

After thoroughly exploring his “sister's” mouth with his tongue, Obnoxious pulled away just far enough to chuckle at his own cleverness. “Besides,” he said, “Why are you only aiming for the featured box? With this material, I'm going to the vault.”

“That does sound pretty awesome,” Clueless admitted. “What do you want me to do?” With a bit of effort, she rolled onto her back, spreading all four legs like an overturned turtle.

Obnoxious tapped his chin thoughtfully, trying to think back to the times other ponies had described this kind of thing to him.

“Let's see... you tell the stallion how aroused you are, and then he starts to make you want him a lot.”

Clueless nodded. “And then... he smiles and says 'why didn't we try this sooner?' as he leans closer.”

“Then,” Obnoxious continued, “you feel his hot breath against your neck as his weight comes down on you.”

“And the strong, sexy stallion nips you gently just above the shoulder before grabbing your mane with his teeth and...”

“Uh...”

“I think what happens next is...”

Silence.

Finally, Obnoxious leaned back, spitting out a mouthful of his sister's mane. He was ready, and he knew exactly what to do. The powerful stallion moved like an expert who had done this plenty of times before and definitely knew exactly what to do. The mare moaned and squirmed. He made love to her. She liked it, or she tried to.

"Not so hard!" Clueless complained, squirming in Obnoxious' grip. "It hurts!"

"It's supposed to!" Obnoxious growled.

“Seriously, are you sure this is how this is supposed to go?” Clueless asked as Obnoxious slapped her on the left flank.

“Of course I am!” Obnoxious huffed. “All the high-rated pictures have the stallion standing up like this with his hooves on the mare's flanks!”

“Uh, okay. Wait, what?” Clueless winced as Obnoxious hit her again. “Why does that mean you have to hit me?” Whap! Clueless yelped at a particularly vicious hit. “Ow!”

“That's right! Yell my name louder!”

“I d-don't think this is w-w-working!” Clueless whimpered.

Obnoxious relented and rolled his eyes. “Well I'm obviously doing great. All the writers describe it as pounding and stuff. Why are you all flopped on your back like that, anyway?”

“I thought this was how it was done,” Clueless said, waggling her hooves in the air. “On my back, right?”

Obnoxious sighed in annoyance, shrugging again and backing away from the bed to stand with four hooves on the gruond again. “You know what? If you don't even know how this is supposed to go, I'm going to go find somepony else to do it with. How hard is this, anyway?” He pointed off to another bench, on which Rarity and Applejack were snuggling. “They do it all the time!”

“Really?” Clueless rolled to her side and looked. “But they're both mares.”

“So what?” Obnoxious scoffed. “Almost everypony who's into that kind of thing is a mare, around here!”

“Well... I haven't watched anypony doing it. Have you?”

“That's none of your business!”

Obnoxious took a seat on the bed next to Clueless and pouted, arms folded across his chest. Neither of them spoke for a while, though Clueless pursed her lips and bubbled again.

“Stop that,” Obnoxious grumbled. Clueless stopped.

“I know what to do now anyway. Lots of ponies do it this way, I just wanted to try something cooler first.”

Clueless subconsciously edged away from her “brother,” a suspicious look on her face. “Is this going to involve hitting me again?”

“I don't know,” Obnxious sighed. His tone sounded suspiciously like one of defeat. “And that's the whole point.”

He pounced on Clueless, straddling her with both pairs of legs, and the scene faded to black.