Equine Tails and Their Tangible Relation to the Definitive Flavourings of Magic: A Thesis by Rainbow Dash (Dictated But Not Read)

by 8_Bit

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1002

Rainbow Dash has an idea. Everypony in the immediate vicinity should be very concerned.

It is not difficult to grasp the notion that Rainbow Dash has very little in the ways of scientific or thaumatic knowledge. But, sadly, that doesn't stop her from having ideas. It especially doesn't stop her having ideas that are based on the assumption that she does have some amount of scientific or thaumatic knowledge.

In short: try not to be within ten miles of Rainbow Dash when she has ideas.

Cover art (and story inspiration) courtesy of Irusu.

Reading by Rainbow Infinity Readings.

Russian Translation by oranzinispegasas.

Published 2024-01-17 19:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-01-17 19:10:00 UTC

Nomf

I have a theory.

And, as far as theories go, it's a weird one. At least, eggheads like Twilight would call it weird. But I think it's a theory I can back up with good, hard evidence. And eggheads like evidence, right?

So, we all know there are different types of magic in Equestria.

Earth pony magic, which helps them look after plants, and animals, and all that junk.

Unicorn magic, which... well, it's magic. Like, if you're the type of egghead who owns a dictionary, pick it up and look up 'magic'. You'll probably find a picture of a unicorn.

And then there's pegasus magic. Now, I can imagine ponies asking 'what magic?', and to that I say:

Firstly, shut up.

Secondly, we do have some magic. You think our small wings can really move fast enough to give us enough lift to get off the ground?

No. Magic helps.

Plus, there's our ability to manipulate weather. Ask my mom and dad's next door neighbours from when I was growing up in the outskirts of Cloudsdale. They can tell you exactly how good I was at reshaping clouds into spelling out rude words.

So what is my theory? Magic has flavour. Like, you can taste it.

It may sound crazy, maybe even a little stupid. But I ask this: why not? Magic does all kinds of crazy stuff all over Equestria and beyond, so who's to say that magic doesn't have a taste?

Now, as the eggheads will likely be asking, 'how did you come to this conclusion, oh awesome one?', and to you, eggheads, I say this.

Because I tasted it myself.

Anypony lucky enough to have been at a certain Best Young Flyers Competition in Cloudsdale will remember bearing witness to that most amazing of showstoppers, the Sonic Rainboom. Performed by yours truly. Now, I can't dwell for too long on this subject, but if you want the whole recount of the events of that day, they'll be covered in chapters eighty-nine to ninety-seven of my fan-published biography, which is apparently coming soon.

When exactly? Ask Scootaloo.

So, it wasn't until after the whole thing happened, while I was flying away to chill with the coolest ponies this side of Mount Aris, the Wonderbolts, when I realised that I could taste something. The Sonic Rainboom had left spicy flavours in my mouth.

For legal reasons, I'm not allowed to actually suggest trying to taste a rainbow. But if you were to visit the Cloudsdale Weather Factory, and were to accidentally let the main ingredient of rainbows, a liquid called Spectra, touch your tongue?

Well, firstly, I was not involved in the series of events that led to you doing this.

Secondly, you would realise how seriously spicy Spectra is, as is rainbow essence.

And thirdly, you'd probably be smart to go to the ponies who run the Weather Factory, to find out what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards.

Getting off-subject there, but yeah. In a nutshell, rainbows are spicy.

And that got me thinking: maybe it's not just rainbows that are spicy. Maybe pegasus magic is spicy.

So if pegasus magic is spicy, do the other types of magic have flavours as well?

It's about here that I hit a bump in the road. I mean, seriously, how do you go around tasting magic without raising eyebrows? Trot up to Twilight Sparkle and ask her if you can sample a taste of her unicorn magic? Yeah, that's not gonna fly.

But if magic has flavors, I kinda want to know them all. I've got the spicy Sonic Rainboom covered, but what about the rest? Is unicorn magic all sophisticated and intellectual, like a fine wine? Does earth pony magic taste like the freshest apples in Sweet Apple Acres?

And how about alicorn magic? I bet Princess Celestia's magic tastes like eternal sunshine and wisdom. Luna's might be a bit more mysterious, like a midnight snack of dreams and starlight. Now that's something worth trying!

I realise I'm venturing into very dangerous territory there. I don't think two immortal goddesses of the sky would appreciate me eyeing them up like they're a tasty snack.

Or worse, maybe they would appreciate it? Thousands of years old, they might be into some crazy stuff.

But with ponies whose magic doesn't exactly have a magical aura you can chase, how do you taste it?

Easy. Have a taste of their tail.

And if I just lost you, here's my reason. I nibble my tail in my sleep sometimes, nervous habit (tell anypony and you're dead), and I know when I've done that because I wake up with traces of spicy flavours on my tongue.

Spectra is spicy. Rainbows are spicy. My tail is spicy. My tail is also rainbow-patterned.

Coincidence?

Maybe I could organize a taste-testing party with some other ponies. We could call it 'Magic Munchies' or something. Twilight might even get on board if I frame it as a 'scientific investigation'.

But the alternative is way more likely: that Twilight will call me an idiot.

And on the other side: what if there's regional flavours based on the personality of the pony?

Like, okay, so your normal earth pony, who might have a tail that has more earthy, savoury flavouring? Compare that to Pinkie Pie, also an earth pony. You gonna sit there and tell me her tail would taste like anything other than the sweetest sweet that ever sweeted?

As far as theories go, it's out there. I know that. I have some self-awareness.

But this whole theory? I had to come up with on the spot.

So, to bring this whole spiel full circle: I say all of this as a rational excuse for this thing that happened last Tuesday, where I was in bed with Applejack, and I woke up to find I was nibbling on her tail. And she asked me why.

Because... all I could think of to say was "Umami."