Anon Roasts Discord

by ChuckySkullHead

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Applejack, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2877

Anon meets Discord. Roasting ensues.

Discord is a cocky, overbearing, goofy free spirit. Anon is a cocky, brutally honest, nonchalant free spirit. Both can be incredibly big douches when they want to be, but the girls still like them both even with their flaws.
But one day, Anon finally meets Discord. And he decides he doesn't like him.

Published 2024-01-22 05:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-01-22 05:10:00 UTC

Got 'Em

It was getting close to evening in the Castle of Friendship, and Twilight and her friends were sitting in the throne room, laughing away. The table was littered with games that they had exhausted, and they were in the middle of one of their favorites: A certain popular ad-lib card game.

Specifically, one that they custom-made for their own friend group. Now it was personal.

It had felt like years since they had all had a proper sleepover, but it had really been only about a month. With Twilight's growing responsibilities as a princess, combined with the seemingly endless friendship problems, and with a certain..."cross-dimensional anomaly"...thrown into the mix, they had all been quite busy. But now they had found the time to spend with each other. And they were having a blast!

"Okay, okay..." Twilight says, calming down from her belly laughs, "Let's see what else we have."

"You're not READY for what I picked, Twilight." Rainbow brags, shooting her signature smirk. "In fact, you might even kick me out of the castle for it!"

"Yeah right!" Applejack chides, smirking and narrowing her eyes at Rainbow. "Everypony knows that Ah'm the funniest mare in this room!"

"Who said it was funny?" Rainbow teases back. "It's just offensive!"

"Tomato, Tom-AH-to!" Pinkie chirps, bouncing in her seat. "You can't be funny without being a LITTLE offensive!"

Twilight shuffles the white cards again before reading off the black card.

"Okay." Twilight starts, smiling in anticipation. "The one thing that's almost as bad as a crying foal is..."

Twilight's horn glows to pick up a white card. Her eyes go back and forth, examining it...before she bursts out laughing.

"APPLEJACK crying that you won't eat her APPLES?!"

The entire group howls in laughter...except for Applejack, who's mouth is contorted into an annoyed smile. Even Fluttershy can't suppress herself and softly giggles along with the rest of the group.

"No..." Rarity chimes in as the laughter calms down. "I must respectfully disagree with that card choice."

...

"...Applejack's crying is WORSE!"

Another fit of laughter from everypony! Applejack groans and pulls her stetson over her face.

"Next card, please?" Applejack murmurs.

Twilight finally stops laughing and picks out another white card...but frowns in confusion as she looks at it. Her friends look on in anticipation.

"Um...Twilight?" Fluttershy peeps. "What's wrong?"

Twilight looks up at her friends and shows the card. All it has on it is one big circle. Her friends frown at the card.

"That's odd..." Rarity says. "I didn't play that card."

"Neither did I." Fluttershy adds on.

"Not mine, either." Pinkie says. "What IS it? One of those optical illusions?"

They all stare at the card, baffled...before the circle opens up to reveal an eye.

"AAAH!" The mares scream. Out of instinct, Twilight throws the card away. It flutters into the air before a large lion paw reaches out of its surface. It feels around in the air before reaching back into the card and pulling out the head of a gray pony with two strange horns. Finally, the entire body of the entity is pulled out of the card, like a rabbit being pulled from a hat. The draconequus floats in the air, stretching the back of his snake-like body.

"Whew!" Discord lets out. "Cramped in there."

The surprised and bewildered girls now frown in realization, looking up at Discord in annoyance.

"Discord!" Twilight pipes up. "What is WRONG with you? You gave us a heart attack!"

"Oh?" Discord smirks, stroking his chin. "All of you? One singular heart attack? Interesting. And I thought I was weird..."

"Oh you know what I mean!"

"Um..." Fluttershy starts, getting the attention of Discord. "Discord...what are you doing here? I thought I told you that this was a private sleepover."

"Aw come on, dear Fluttershy," Discord teases. "Everypony knows that a sleepover isn't proper until the strong, destructive BOYS arrive!"

To emphasize his point, Discord causes his upper body to inflate, gaining strong, tough-looking muscles. He flexes his newly-achieved biceps and kisses them both.

"Hey, baby." Discord says in a new, strong, seductive voice. "Call me Dis-BOARD, because I got them washboard abs."

A combination of cringing and eye rolling falls across the group.

"Discord." Twilight says in a stern voice. "Out."

Discord sighs, his muscles comically deflating. "But I'm BORED! I want to spend time with my dearest friends!"

"We can hang out some other time." Twilight says. "But you weren't invited to this sleepover. So you need to understand that."

Discord now frowns and crosses his arms. "You said "some other time" THREE some other times ago! You know...I'm beginning to think you all just don't like me..."

The girls' eyes widen. It's true...they've been putting off their time with Discord for a while. No wonder he was beginning to feel neglected...

"It's not that, Discord." Twilight says in a careful but still stern voice, choosing her words wisely. "We DO like you. It's just sometimes you can be a bit...much."

"Me?" Discord gasps in pseudo-shock. "Much?? How DARE you make an argument that I have no hope of rebutting!"

The girls look at each other with mixed expressions. Pinkie, Twilight, and Rarity look hesitant to let Discord stay...Rainbow and Applejack seem very opposed to it. Fluttershy, of course, seems to have no issue.

"You can stay if you want." Fluttershy whispers.

Everypony looks over at Fluttershy in surprise. But before anypony could argue, Discord's eyes sparkle in joy.

"Really?" Discord cries. "Oh, what joy! I-"

"But please no chaos tonight." Fluttershy interrupts. "We meant for this to be a relaxing night and we'd like to keep it that way."

Discord blinks in surprise, before sighing out his nose in annoyance. "Alright, alright. I accept these terms and conditions."

Suddenly, Discord flies off the table and towards the direction of the kitchen.

"I'll go get some snacks! Heeheehee!"

One Discord is gone, the girls sigh and look back towards each other.

"I gotta agree with you, Twilight." Rainbow says. "Discord CAN be a hoof full at times."

"Yeah." Applejack nods. "He may be reformed, and Ah like him n' all, but...he's still a pain in the hindquarters with all his pranks n' stuff."

"Oh, I know!" Rarity exclaims. "Remember the time he made my dresses come to life, and refused to turn them back until I called him...oh, what was that ridiculous name..."

"Discord the Mighty, All-Powerful Dressmaster!" Pinkie chirps.

"Yes." Rarity huffs. "Exactly. Not to mention all the RIDICULOUS "tests" of his. Remember when he faked being sick?"

"I know it's ironic coming from ME of all ponies," Rainbow grumbles, "But SOMEPONY'S gotta take him down a peg."

*CHOOOM*

The girls look over to the sound of the castle doors opening. Who could that be? Their question is answered soon by the sound of a set of two steps approaching rather than four. Peering into the throne room is a tall white man in his early-to-mid twenties with black hair. He wears a cozy-looking blue hoodie with black sweatpants. He walks in carrying a big brown book.

It was Anon, the newest addition to Equestria's population.

"Hey, Twi." Anon says casually as he walks in, looking at the book. "I finished reading this book of Equestrian history you lent me. You can-"

Anon's chatter is cut short when he looks up and sees the mares at the table, seeing the games scattered about. His eyes widen in realization.

"Oh, right!" Anon exclaims. "This was your sleepover night, wasn't it? I'm sorry, girls...I forgot..."

The girls smile sweetly at Anon, some flapping dismissive hoofs at the exclamation.

"No worries, dude." Rainbow assures. "It's all good."

"Yeah!" Pinkie pipes up. "It's ALWAYS good to see you."

Anon smiles in relief that there were no hard feelings about his intrusion. Twilight steps down from her seat and towards Anon, taking the book from him in her magic.

"Thank you for returning my book, Anon. I hope you found it all interesting!"

"Indeed I did." Anon replies. "I've never been so invested in a freakin' TEXTBOOK of all things. Do you have any more?"

"Of course!" Twilight giggles, happy that she finally has somepony that shares an interest in knowledge with her. "I can't wait to share them with you!"

"Hey, Anon!" Applejack calls from the table. "How 'bout you join us fer a round a' cards before ya go?"

The mares all chuckle in excitement, knowing just how raunchy and inappropriate Anon can get in cards. That makes it all the more fun!

Anon smiles, but before he can respond...

*SMASH!*

Clatter is suddenly heard from the kitchen, shocking every one in the throne room.

"Oops!" Discord cries out. "I can fix that!"

They all stare in the direction of the kitchen before Anon breaks the silence.

"Who's in the kitchen?" He asks, pointing a thumb out towards the source of the sound.

"Oh..." Twilight groans. "It's Discord."

Anon frowns. "Oh. I see."

Anon had been well-informed about Discord for a while, and how he was known as a bit of a troublemaker. But to Anon, the things that the girls said Discord did rose way BEYOND troublemaking. Sure, Anon could be pretty unhinged sometimes, but at least he was mostly harmless. Mostly...

But this was the very first time he'd meet this so-called Spirit of Chaos face-to-face.

"DONE!"

Soon, Discord flies out of the kitchen, with a huge plate of...something. He sets it down, revealing it to be some kind of...cheese thing. A bunch of cheddar chips floating in a sea of spray cheese, covered in shredded cheese. As well as a few...odd glistening bits inside which looked like glass.

"Mama always said you could NEVER have too much cheese!" Discord states.

The girls look on in horror at the abomination of cheddar that Discord had created. Even Pinkie didn't seem like she wanted to even touch it.

"...What are those little shiny bits...?" Twilight eventually asks, cringing.

"Uh, ignore that."

Soon, Discord's eyes catch Anon standing there. Though, instead of looking at the cuisine, he's looking up at Discord.

"Oh?" Discord muses, examining the foreign creature in front of him. His eye pops out of his socket, floating around Anon, studying him. "And who might THIS be, girls?"

Twilight eventually breaks free from her horror towards the ungodly snack and looks up at Discord. She motions her hoof between him and Anon.

"Oh! Uh...Discord, this is Anon. Anon, Discord."

"Eye see!" Discord says as he retracts his eye. "So YOU'RE the little dimension hopper, hm? And is it true that magic does not exist where you come from? Oh...this is going to be SO much fun...It's time for me to teach you what being friends with me is all about!"

The girls frown at Discord. They should've known that he'd try something like this: Trying to "break in" Anon to his brand of friendship with cheap tricks and pointless rituals that he called "friendship tests."

But Anon has other plans.

Anon continues to stare up at Discord with a blank look before getting an amused smile.

"Nah."

Discord blinks. "...I beg your pardon?"

"Nah, man." Anon chuckles. "Say it ain't so."

Discord frowns in confusion.

"...Say WHAT ain't so?"

"THIS is the almighty Spirit of Chaos? The one who almost destroyed Equestria? You look like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces forced into the wrong places. Like a toddler got angry and smashed the pieces together until they fit."

Everypony's eyes widen. Especially Discord's. In all of his existence, he had gotten used to all sort of threats, but hardly anypony had dared to taunt him for his appearance. The mares are a bit tense about how Discord will react...but he simply chuckles.

"Well that's the point!" Discord explains. "I GAVE myself this form, since all the OTHER forms were too plain and-"

"Nah man." Anon interrupts. "No excuses. You ugly as fuck."

Discord's words get caught in his through as he look at Anon. He looks incredibly surprised by this interjection, and even a bit offended. The mares look on in shock...but Rainbow and Applejack can't help but snicker a bit.

"Um, Anon," Rarity says, trying to get his attention. "Maybe you shouldn't- Mmph!"

Rarity's mouth is covered by a blue hoof.

"Hold it, Rarity." Rainbow snickers. "Let's see where this goes."

Back to Anon and Discord, Anon raises a hand and starts pointing at various parts of his body.

"What are those wings for?" Anon continues. "You're just floating. You don't even need them!"

"Well, I just thought-" Discord starts, beginning to feel self-conscious.

"And look at your stupid ass arms. Why do you need two different ones? Depends on what the ladies are into, right?"

Rainbow and Applejack continue to chuckle at these insults, their amusement fueling Anon to go even further.

"Hey!" Discord snaps, pointing right back at Anon. "You hardly have a right to make fun of MY appearance! You look like a bald ape!"

"At least I'm not built like a limp penis."

The mares and Discord are all shocked into silence...except for Rainbow and Applejack, who now burst out laughing.

"Oh mah Celestia!" Applejack cackles. "He is!"

"That's such a good one!" Rainbow guffaws.

Discord stares daggers at Anon before getting a dastardly idea. He smirks and raises his paw.

"You've got QUITE the big mouth...How would you like it to be even BIGGER?"

"Discord!" Fluttershy calls. He turns to see Fluttershy looking at him with a disapproving look. "I said no chaos."

Discord's eyes widen, looking between her and Anon, who is crossing his arms, looking at him with a smirk. He knew damn well that he was untouchable. Discord gives Fluttershy the best puppydog eyes he can muster.

"B-but he's making it VERY hard for me to resist!" Discord whines.

"The only time you ever got hard is when you were turned to stone." Anon chimes in.

Okay. Now THAT got everypony laughing. Except for Discord, who stands there fuming at Anon.

"You...! If it weren't for my previous agreement, I'd fill your life with ENDLESS chaos!"

"How about you fill up YOUR life with some bitches? You have the power to do whatever you want and not even that can be used to create someone who'll date you."

The room is full of screaming laughter at this point. The girls were conflicted about the prospect of laughing at someone else's expense, but even they had to admit that Anon's roasts were very clever.

"Oh! Burn!" Rainbow cheers.

"He's going in!" Pinkie chirps.

"Ain't comin' back from that one!" Applejack hoots.

Discord's face is red, though it's unclear if it's from anger, embarrassment, or both. He wants nothing more than to turn this human's face upside down, or something else chaotic. But he promised the girls their nice night. For the first time since the incident with Tirek, Discord feels truly powerless.

Discord opens his mouth to say something...but pauses. He frowns once again, looking around the room...before snapping his fingers, vanishing into thin air. After a few seconds of silence, Anon turns to the six mares and smirks triumphantly.

"Got 'em." He says in a tone that's practically dripping with smugness.

The girls clap their hooves and let out some more laughter, thinking back on all Anon's disses. Fluttershy, however, looks a bit troubled.

"Gee," She whispers. "I hope he's okay...he DID look pretty mad..."

"Oh relax, Flutters." Rainbow giggles, nudging her playfully. "It's DISCORD."

"But..."

"He's probably heard far worse." Twilight adds on. "I doubt he's gonna end up caring about what Anon said in the long run."

As all the girls try to reassure her, Fluttershy sighs and looks over at Anon, who still has an unapologetic smile on his face.

"You know, Anon," Fluttershy says. "I know we didn't really give you the best impression of Discord, but...he DOES have his good qualities."

"I'm sure he does." Anon responds. "But if he's gonna keep up his shtick, he's gonna have to learn to take some harsh criticism."

"I...guess that's right." Fluttershy eventually responds. "But...I just worry that you went a bit too far..."

"Don't sweat it, Flutters." Anon assures. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He'll see the humor in it all. Just like you did."

Fluttershy chuckles nervously, feeling conflicted about laughing at such obscene and somewhat cruel jokes. Jokes directed towards someone else, no less. However...she nods.

"Alright." Fluttershy whispers. "You're right. Discord DOES have a good sense of humor, after all..."

"Good." Twilight says, smiling. She then looks at Anon and pats the seat next to her, where Spike usually sits. "I'm glad we have that settled. Now...do you still want to play with us?"

"Oh hell yes I do." Anon says, smirking.

...

Far outside of Ponyville, in an upside-down, spinning, purple-and-orange cottage, Discord sits in his study of chaos, sipping on tea and furiously writing down on a scroll, with a maniacal look on his face.

"Prepare yourself, Anon..." Discord cackles. "For I am going to give you the biggest roast of your life!"

Discord lets out a furiously evil cackle...before immediately going back to sipping his tea. He finishes off the last drops...and proceeds to eat the cup.

"Mmm...Next time I should use porcelain instead of glass..."