Hearth’s Warming is one of Equestria’s most popular holidays throughout the year. There is white snow everywhere that covers the world like a cozy blanket, songs are sung and everything is festively decorated, there are magical pastries that don't seem appropriate on any other day of the year and on the holiday itself you can spend time with your loved ones and friends Sit by the fire in the fireplace and enjoy the evening or have a huge meal. The adults enjoy a nice wine or other alcoholic beverages and the foals get juice.
Gifts are handed out, new friendships are made or love confessions are made under the mistletoe and everyone simply has a good time together. All in all a wonderful holiday, how can you be sad on a day like that?, right?…
… right?
I've been living in Ponyville, a small town beneath the mountain on which Canterlot was built, for almost three or four years now. Not many people move here, which is no surprise, because right next to Ponyville is the Everfree Forest, a forest with many dangerous animals and monsters, where wild and untamable magic prevails, but that doesn't bother us.
Why I moved here? Because my friends are here and my mentor allowed me to continue my studies here.
I almost forgot, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I'm Princess Celestia's student and you probably already know the story of why I came here.
Before I moved here to live with my friends, I was a bit of a withdrawn pony, I had a few “friends” but I never did anything great with them because I preferred to concentrate on my studies and there were other things holding me back. My own thoughts at the time were killing me: "I'm not good enough!. I'm just a waste of your time!. Nobody likes me anyway and nobody would miss me if I suddenly disappeared!", these thoughts scared me at first but quickly became normal to me like breathing.
I even agreed with these thoughts, who would miss me? I'm just a simple unicorn who was lucky enough to be taught by the princess herself. I spent many nights in my training, -too many to count-, talking myself out of suicide or crying myself to sleep.
How many times have I stood at the railing in one of the castle gardens and thought about jumping over it? How long has it been since I stole that knife from the kitchen? How old are the sleeping pills that are collecting dust in some drawer in my room in the castle?.
I never told anyone about my thoughts and when someone noticed something, they blamed it on the stress of being the princess's student.
It wasn't until years later that I learned that it was depression and even then I didn't do anything about it, I always wanted to see a therapist but my body or brain always stopped me, so I carried on as usual.
And then I got to know my friends, admittedly at first I didn't care about them and I was hoping that Nightmare Moon would kill us, or rather me, and that I could escape this nightmare, but we defeated her and saved Princess Luna and I made friends.
For the first time in years I was no longer alone, I now had ponies to look after me and I to take care of them. The first two years were the best of my life, I felt really alive and didn't want to die, I forgot my worries and was just happy.
I should have known better….
Over the last year my friends started to irritate me, especially Dash, the nature of my friends and everything they said sometimes just made me angry and we argued every now and then but we always worked it out... And the thoughts, or are they more like voices?, in my head came back.
Weak and quiet at first but they became louder and louder, first with every month and then every week that passed. Not only did they become louder but they also became more tasteful, being released from my suffering just sounds like a dream, doesn't it?
A lot of things that I enjoyed or were a hobby stopped being fun after a while and whenever I started something new I dropped it and forgot about it or hated it. The only time I had fun was when I really drank alcohol for the first time and that's how I started drinking. At first it was just beer or wine but after a few weeks I switched to whiskey. There were nights where a freshly bought bottle ended up in the trash the next morning... Empty.
I've already admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem, but not like Berry Punch, who has to drink constantly to keep herself from going crazy. I've wanted to quit many times but you can probably imagine how that ended... With another bottle of whiskey.
My friends also invited me to fewer activities or had some excuse when I wanted to do something, so I stayed in my library. Day after day and no one ever asked about me.
Why should they?, I'm not worthy of being in their friend group, I'm just a know-it-all pony who was lucky enough to be noticed by Celestia!. I brought danger into my friends' lives, so I just deserved to be thrown away!
Today is Hearths Warming right?….. yes it is today, I now mix up days or forget what I did during the day, but hey I'm completely alone!. Everyone has something better to do.
Rarity found herself a boyfriend a few months ago, they are already talking about getting married…. gag….
Applejack is on her farm with her family… Has my family even thought of me?
Rainbow Dash is dating Fluttershy, even though they don't want to admit it, we know they're in love with each other.
Pinkie is with her family.
And Spike is with the other dragons, spending time with his new love, Ember.
I'm completely alone…
YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, NOT EVEN YOUR FAMILY!.
Ahh there it is again, that seductive voice with an excellent idea, an idea that I agree with because I'm tired of always being alone and feeling so bad, but how should I do it?
Slit my wrists?… no, too much of a mess.
Hanging myself?... no, even if I deserved it, I don't want to suffer.
Sleeping pills?…slowly falling asleep and never waking up again?…. Yes, that's how I do it.
I went into the bathroom to the medicine cabinet and looked in there for the pills and quickly found them. Rarity once gave them to me because “a mare needs a restful sleep!”. I took the box and carried it into the kitchen where I filled a glass with water and emptied the tablets from their sterile packaging into the glass with the water. They are tablets that first have to be dissolved in water.
I dissolved each tablet, which was about 20. Rarity had already started the pack but surely 20 tablets should be enough?
While I was waiting for the last pills to dissolve, I wrote a farewell letter to the princesses or whoever finds this letter. When I was finished I rolled up the letter and grabbed the glass and went to a window with the letter and the hopefully deadly mixture of sleep medication and opened it.
It was late in the evening and there was a snowstorm. Luna had created another beautiful night and her stars sparkled brightly in the sky through the storm, ....I will miss her nights .....and the alicorn mare herself too …
To send the letter I would normally need Spike but Celestia showed me how to do it myself, I just have to concentrate on the throne room and encase the letter in a magical flame and send it.
As the letter dissolved in a cloud of smoke and disappeared into the night towards Canterlot. I watched the stars and the snowfall for a while, I didn't even notice the biting cold wind as it blew through the open window into my face.
After a few minutes at the window I turned my gaze from the stars to the water glass and sighed ,,well it was nice while it lasted" I brought the glass to my lips "goodbye, I won't be a burden to you anymore" ' I whispered with a tear and started to drink the deadly mixture.
As the last drop from the glass hit my tongue it slipped from my magic grip and shattered as it hit the ground. ,,Wow, these pills seem to work fast” I grumbled as I felt a short moment lightheaded.
On shaky legs and blurred vision I slowly made my way to my bedroom, getting up the stairs without flying down and breaking my neck was torture but I finally got there and stopped in the middle of my room and looked at my balcony door... .. a shadow in the snowstorm caught my attention and the shadow is getting bigger and coming towards me!.
Before I could even react, my balcony door exploded into million of pieces and I had to avert my gaze. When the dust settled again after the explosion, I looked at the door and winced, because where there was a glass door there is now a dark blue alicorn mare with a panicked look on her face ,,Twilight!" Luna exclaimed as our eyes met and she slowly walked towards me.
,,L… Luna?” I managed to say when I felt my body give in and everything around me went black.
PLEASE HELP ME LUNA, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
