"I'm gonna hyuck you up."
Author's Note
been a while since i've done some sleep deprivation writing. i have no idea what I'm writing or where this is going. all I know is that the phrase "I'm gonna hyuck you up" has been stuck in my head for ages now and by celestia I'm gonna do my best to make something of it.
what
Twilight Sparkle Twilighted herself out of bed. She didn't want to have a repeat of what happened last week when Spike had to wake her up by unconventional means to prevent her from being late to a meeting for the first time in recorded history, after all.
She yawned. The pain in her back from being loaded into a catapult to arrive on time was not something that'd disappear anytime soon.
A loud crash shook the castle.
"Twilight!" Spike skittered up the stairs. "Twilight! Celestia's here!"
"Already?" Twilight scrambled out of bed. She may or may not have inadvertently fallen down the stairs in the process. Don't ask why she's sleeping at the edge of the stairs. It's 11 pm I don't know either.
"TWILIGHT." Celestia's voice boomed. The entire castle rattled from her use of the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Are you awake yet, my faithful expelled-for-medical-reasons student?"
Twilight rubbed her eyes. "Princess, what's the meaning of this? Did something happen while I was asleep?"
Celestia loomed silently over Twilight as she continued to rub her eyes.
The aforementioned book horse then finished rubbing her eyes raw and stared up at Celestia.
"I'm gonna hyuck you up."
"What."
Celestia's wings flared dramatically, blocking out the morning sun. "I'm gonna hyuck you up."
She vanished in a puff of sparkles. Because of course she does.
Twilight glanced at Spike. He shrugged in response.
"Hey so what was that all about?" Rainbow Dash peeked in from the conveniently placed window at the bottom of the stairs. "Also if you see a hole in the wall going straight into your fridge when you go outside, that's not me. Spike can vouch."
"Something about... hyucking me up? I guess?"
"That sounds dirty."
"Yeah."
The fridge door opened again as Celestia poked her head in. "Left something behind, my bad."
"Wh--"
Rainbow Dash vanished with Celestia in another shower of sparkles.
Twilight stared at the former location of her friend before her unceremonious abduction by Equestria's head of state.
"Alright, Spike," she sighed. "What now? The Princess wants to 'hyuck me up', whatever that means, and for all we know Rainbow was just thrown into the Canterlot dungeons for daring to speak ill of Celestia's words."
"Whatcha in for, kid?"
Rainbow Dash strained against her chains for a better view of her fellow prisoner.
Flam's grin spread wider. "Have you or a loved one ever suffered from mesosqueelioma?"
"SHUT--" the guard outside their cell barked.
"If you have," Flam continued, "then you may be entitled to compensation. To claim yours, please... please send... fffffirst...t..."
He nodded off to sleep. Thankfully.
Rainbow Dash stared back up at the moonlight streaming into their cell.
Twilight paced about the room as the author attempted to remember where the heck he left off after writing half the fic and promptly getting catapulted into one wild mess after another. "What to do, what to do--Spike, take some notes for me."
Spike pulled out a notepad from who-knows-where.
"Alright. So, to begin from the top, Celestia arrived this morning to tell me that she was going to, and I quote, 'hyuck you up'. 'You' in this case being me. And maybe you too as well, Spike. I'm not entirely sure about that part yet. From there, she kidnapped Rainbow Dash, and that's about it."
Spike lowered his notepad. "Was it really necessary to write down just those two things?"
"Yes."
"Oooooo-kay then."
"TWILIGHT!" Luna crashed through the window. She swept the shards of glass off herself before returning her attention to the mare in question. "You must help me! My sister has gone mad!"
Her gaze shifted between the unchanging expressions of Twilight and Spike, and then at the fridge that totally didn't have a hole in it leading to the outside of the castle. "I see. You have unfortunately been the target of her machinations as well. I'll see myself out."
"Wait--" Twilight called out as Luna turned to leave. "Did Celestia say anything to you?"
"Something about cheese. And..." she bristled. "She mentioned the Lunar Yeet Cannon 9000 again. That beloathed machine that she used all those moons ago to banish me in my darkest moments."
"I see."
"What should we do, former student of that sister of mine?"
"Well," Twilight lit her horn, opening the cabinet behind her. Her prized possession, the Grass-Touching Machine, fell out with an unceremonious thunk. "There's this. You wanna take it for a spiiiiiiin?"
Luna lifted a brow as Twilight sensually ran a hoof over the somehow-still-living grass studding the belt that once tore the Grim Reaper to shreds. Yes, this story is now an indirect sequel to that (clearly) amazing fic where Twilight touches grass in the wrongest way possible.
~~Haha. It's been a looooooooooong time since I've done some good ol' nightwriting. Much of this so far was written during the~~ day~~. And that's a travesty.~~
"Twilight, do you mean to say that we... make my sister touch grass?"
Twilight nodded enthusiastically, rubbing her face into the grass as she did so. "It's only fair, isn't it? Celestia told me to touch grass last year, so this time she should be the one touching grass what with her whole 'hyucking us up' thing."
Spike, as usual, remained ignored. Sorry Spike, go play with Thanos and Barney the Dinosaur in the meantime. Your Purple Brethren™.
Twilight finished her self grass-staining of her face. She hoisted the machine over her shoulder with a grin. "Shall we pay a visit to dear sister, then?"
Luna narrowed her eyes. "Yes. Let's."
Twilight and Luna meant to separately say "PRINCESS" and "SISTER", but their voices here blended perfectly together with their synchronized door obliteration to instead form the utterance, "PRINCESTER."
Princester Celestia looked up from her cereal.
Princess Celestia looked up from her tea.
The two alicorns that'd just busted in stood heaving at the entrance to the throne room.
Twilight stepped forward, revving up the Grass-Touching Machine. "In the name of the Equestrian Princesses of Equestria, you're under arrest, Celestia."
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Are you threatening me, Medically Expelled Former Student of mine?"
"Grassy will decide your fate," Twilight revved the engine again.
"I am the--wait what?" Princess Celestia blinked as Princess Luna yeeted Princester Celestia out of the window like the imposter they were.
"Now then, sister," Luna landed beside Twilight. "You have some explaining to do."
"Do you not remember what you did the night before, Twilight?" Celestia tilted her head. Luna lifted her other brow now. Yes, she's kept a single brow raised the entire time.
"Last night, last night... uhhhhhhh--" Twilight tapped a hoof against the squeaky-clean floors, irreversibly tarnishing them with her unworthiness to be Celestia's student. For medical reasons, of course.
Luna glanced between Twilight and Celestia. "Is there something that I missed, sister?"
Celestia lit her horn, and Luna was gone.
"Whatcha in for, ki--holy Celestia it's Princess Luna!"
Luna grumbled something under her breath beside Rainbow Dash. She let out a sigh afterward. "At least it's not the lunar yeet cannon like I feared."
Flam snorted. "So you are unaware of modern Equestria's execution methods, then."
"Oh."
"Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhportals?" Twilight finally wheezed. "Was it something about portals again? I know I was thinking with portals at some point before I blacked out."
"Twilight." Celestia flared her wings again for all to bask in her glory. "Last night, you drunkenly opened a portal to Disney. Not a specific show, or a world, or even that 'Didney Worl' place that you kept going on and on about after Applejack gave you a mug of non-alcoholic cider. Disney. As a whole."
Twilight forced a grin. "Well, at least it means that Equestria is now also the happiest place on--"
"Our local filmmakers are now being forced to accept work on poverty wages, Twilight. And Goofy unexpectedly found himself lost in the Canterlot cheese caves."
Twilight made the most confused sound that a magical book horse could make. "We have cheese caves?"
"We have cheese caves. What else do you think the crystal caverns underneath here are for?" Celestia sighed. "Regardless, Disney refuses to lift its influence on Equestria and its creative workforce until Goofy returns. And because all of this is your fault..."
Twilight's eyes widened.
"I'm gonna hyuck you up."
"Mooom, why does Goofy look like a horse wearing a weird costume now?"