Trixie and The Space Pirates
Kidnapped!
Trixie lay on her back, looking up at the stars. It was truly a magnificent display of cosmic wonders. There were no nearby towns to produce light pollution to deter the gentle twinkle of each individual star, some of them forming complex constellations of different creatures. Indeed, looking out on that pristine night, it seemed one could see forever into the endless ocean of stars.
But of course, if anyone could look upon this natural wonder and be bored with it, it would be Trixie. The mare looked up at the pale blue lights with a bored look on her face, wishing she had a mirror so she could look at herself. But currently, she only had a blanket, a suitcase containing a few articles of clothing, and seven bits and forty-two cents. She was camping out beside the roadside somewhere between Ponyville and Canterlot, a journey she had spent wondering how to get revenge on Twilight What’s-her-face.
But just as she was beginning to doze off from boredom, something flashed in the sky. At first Trixie was drawn to think it was a shooting star, but it didn’t disappear right away as it should have. Rather, the tiny dot grew brighter, as well as closer. The unicorn curiously raised an eyebrow as the light began to take on a shape. Both of her eyebrows raised into arches as the shape turned out to be something that seemed impossible.
A massive, steely hull streaked in rust and burn marks came hovering through the clouds as though coming out of a fog, propelled by a series of screeching turbines that emitted ragged jets of blue flame. Scattered about the ship were windows of all different sizes, from which yellow light spilled out into the dark sky. The largest of these was located in the stern, above what looked like an enormous segmented door. Strange sails billowed from towering masts, the moonlight reflecting off of their mercury-silver sheen. Rigging made of electrified wire trailed down from the masts, connecting with the hull. High up in the tallest mast, a holographic flag billowed in programmed wind, drawn in the age-old image of a skull and cross-bones.
Trixie looked upon this sight, and did the one thing she did best when confronted with problems of such magnitude.
She ran away screaming.
Unfortunately, she had barely gotten three paces away when the entire world disappeared in a flash of pale blue light.
The next thing Trixie knew, she was falling into what appeared to be a garbage heap. She let out a sharp cry as she landed headfirst into the rubbish, disappearing into the pile. Moments later she reemerged with an indignant gasp, looking out upon her surroundings with fear. She was in a room far larger than any she had ever seen, filled with mountains of alien refuse and scrap, its walls made of cold, oxidized metal. The rows of flickering lights suspended far above her head did little to provide illumination, and in the dark, the industrial cavern seemed terrifying.
Trixie’s head swiveled about in the silence, her heart beginning to race. She had a good idea as to where she was, and was not at all happy about it. She had read tales of creatures from outer space, and how they abducted ponies to perform strange and frightening experiments on. The mare gulped as she crawled out of the pile, her mind rampant with thoughts of hideous creatures mangling her beautiful body in the name of science.
The unicorn flinched as she heard a rustle somewhere in the darkness. She curled up defensively as a nearby heap collapsed. She heard something walking, its gait sounding strange, with almost metallic footsteps. She closed her eyes and screamed as a shadow fell over her. A strange voice suddenly joined in with her. It sounded electronic and synthesized, but at the same time it was nasally. Wondering what could produce such a strange scream, Trixie opened her eyes.
Her first thought was that it was a human. This thought was quickly proven false, for while it did have a humanoid shape, it appeared to have been cobbled together from bits of machinery. On the most part it was tarnished, with the exception of a few patches and bolts that looked like they were halfhearted attempts at repair. It was short, had narrow, hunched shoulders, and a rather large head.
Trixie was surprised to see that its face had been crafted with moving features that mimicked a human’s, as it had a moving jaw, a triangular nose, and a pair of glowing eyes. It had two articles of clothing in the form of a tattered leather belt, and a curious hat that looked like a tricorn. What made it differ from the tricorns of Equestrian history was that its peak was split into two long, horn-like projections that reminded Trixie of a manta-ray.
The two beings continued to stare and scream at each other for roughly fifteen seconds before Trixie ran out of breath. The mechanical creature’s voice cut off as its jaw snapped shut. It peered at Trixie with what seemed to be a mixture of curiosity and caution. Trixie returned the look, as she now realized it did not seem all that intimidating.
“Uh…H-hello,” stuttered the machine as it awkwardly waved a gangly arm.
“…S-salutations,” Trixie said. There was a long silence after this, in which they tried not to stare at one another. The mechanical creature--or, as Trixie now thought of it, robot--opened its mouth in several attempts to speak, but no noise came out. It clasped its metallic hands together nervously. Despite her fears, the unicorn grew annoyed at how awkwardly pervasive the robot was being, and so decided to begin the conversation.
“Excuse me,” she said, unable to hide her constant contempt, “But one usually introduces themselves when meeting somepony new.” She stood up from the garbage, sticking her nose in the air. “Especially when meeting somepony as glorious as the Great and Powerful Trixie.”
“Quarter!” blurted out the machine. Trixie raised an eyebrow at the robot, whom she decided from the voice to be masculine.
“Quarter?” she echoed with just a tad of skepticism. The robot pointed to his chest, where the pony could see a small series of numbers printed into the greasy metal. Once again she resumed a critical look at the automation.
“There must be a flaw in your construction,” she murmured, “That number is 3333, not ¼.” The robot began to babble nervously, his arms clicking and whirring as he gesticulated.
“Well you see, the three repeats itself four times, and three-fours sounds like three-fourths, and the one part missing from three-fourths is one-fourth, or a quarter, so-”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” huffed Trixie, “Your name is Quarter. Now would you please be so kind as to get me out of this dump? I’m aware that you’re kidnapping me, but you could at least provide proper accommodations.” The robot looked at her as if she had sprouted a pair of antlers.
“What?” he muttered, “I…Um…Okay.” He suddenly leaned in close, looking as nervous as ever. “Just…don’t tell anyone I was down here, okay? We’re not supposed to root through the garbage, it’s against company regulations.”
“Yes, fine,” said Trixie, clearly not caring or listening, “Now let’s go. The Great and Powerful Trixie has a very important spot to book in Canterlot, and She can’t be late--” She let out an indignant cry as Quarter placed a mechanized hand over her mouth.
“Shh!” he murmured, “Keep it down! We don’t want to--” He was cut off as Trixie furiously tore his hand away, glaring daggers at him.
“Don’t ‘Shh’ the Great and Powerful Trixie!” she snarled, “Do you know who I am? I saved an entire town from an Ursa Major!” The mare began to tell the bogus tale of how she saved Hoofington from the rampaging monster, completely unaware of the large, jellyfish-like beast that came out of the shadows and began to hover over her head. Quarter watched in silent horror as it reached out for her head with its twitching mandibles. Their harsh clicking noise was enough to break the unicorn’s concentration, as she promptly looked up into the creature’s maw. For a moment she stared at it stupidly, unable to process that her head was about to be consumed by a levitating invertebrate. Then she let out a bone-chilling scream, and leapt into the arms of Quarter.
“KILL IT!” she screeched into his audio-receptors, “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” The unicorn wildly thrashed about as the creature soared toward her and the robot, its mandibles ready to puncture. Her erratic motion caused Quarter to fall over, and the creature missed them by mere inches.
Trixie was pushed away by the robot, who began fumbling about his body, popping open small compartments scattered about his person until he finally found what he was looking for. To the equine it looked to be somewhere between the handle of a cutlass and a utility knife. There was a sharp clack as Quarter pushed up on a switch, sending a long, curved blade shooting out from the device. The robot stood up, his body shaking unsteadily as he pointed the sword at the hovering beast. He awkwardly swung the weapon as the gelatinous creature made another attack, missing its membrane by a full foot. Trixie shrank down into the garbage mound as the blade nearly took off her horn.
“Watch where you swing that thing, you idiotic robot!” she cried indignantly. The jellyfish monster made another pass at her defender. Trixie heard Quarter grunt half-intelligibly; something about ‘Inbred Metroid’ as he attacked. He was more successful in this round of action, and managed to get the creature to fly right into his blade. It let out a gurgle as its membrane was punctured, and its clawing mandibles went limp. Quarter sighed tiredly as he pushed the soggy monstrosity off of his blade. It rolled down the heap, with bits of rubbish sticking to it until it stopped right beside Trixie. The unicorn sneered in disgust as she stood up and trotted away from it.
She was about to once again request that she be taken to better housing when she noticed the robot glaring at her.
“Android,” he muttered in a manner most disgruntled. Trixie raised an eyebrow.
“I beg your pardon?” she replied.
“I’m an android,” he restated as his sword collapsed into its handle, “There’s a difference.”
“Oh,” Trixie said indifferently, “Yes, forgive Trixie. Now then, get us out of here. The Great and Powerful Trixie is a very important pony, and has many places to be.” This was a lie, as the closest thing Trixie had to a scheduled route was a list of places she was no longer allowed to perform in.
“Just wait a minute,” sighed Quarter as he put away his weapon, “How did you get in here?” Trixie glared at him in disbelief.
“You actually think The Great and Powerful Trixie would purposely come aboard this garbage barge?” she said in her usual snobbish manner, “You kidnapped me. No doubt you and your cronies want to hold Equestria’s greatest performer for ransom.” The android raised a mechanical eyebrow.
“Ransom? What are you talking about?”
“Did Trixie just not tell you?” scoffed the impudent unicorn, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria. There will be outrage for this heinous crime!”
“I…I think that you must be mistaken,” said Quarter, “There were no ransoming plans that I was aware of.”
“You must not be aware of much, then,” said Trixie, “Now be quick, take Trixie to your captain so that I may negotiate my release.” Quarter sighed and put his face in his hands for a moment.
“Alright,” he breathed as he started forward, “Just…Please try and be nice.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is nice!” snapped the azure mare, “Her benevolence extends to everypony she meets!” This statement was not at all believable to Quarter, or anyone else who had ever spoken to Trixie, for that matter. All the same, the android began to lead the conceited equine through the towering mounds of trash.
After for what seemed to be an eternity, the two finally reached the other side of the room. Beside an enormous riveted door was a faintly glowing panel that held a series of flickering buttons. Trixie watched as Quarter began to press some of them, pausing mid-sequence to glance down at something scrawled on his arm before finishing. The unicorn suddenly jumped as a loud, metallic groan sounded off somewhere behind the door.
“What’s that?” she murmured.
“The elevator,” replied the Quarter, “The cable’s a little rusty.” Both he and the pony remained quiet until the door slid open a few minutes later, revealing a small, booth-like enclosure. Trixie was to relieved to see that it was relatively cleaner than the garbage room. She stepped into the steel-plated room and peered into the mirrored walls. A small smile appeared on her muzzle as she admired herself. Surprisingly, none of her recent exploits had in anyway ruined her mane, and it appeared just as magnificent as it had when she had styled it that morning. Even better, the reflective walls allowed her to see herself from all angles, so it was safe to say that Trixie was quite pleased with herself.
“Hold on,” muttered Quarter as he stepped inside. The android’s segmented digits pressed a large red button the wall. Seconds later the elevator shot up the shaft far faster than Trixie thought physically possible. The sudden jolt jarred up her body, and for the entire ride upward she remained as rigid as a statue, a look of sheer terror plastered across her face. Quarter was quite aware of her discomfort, and due to his genuine people personality programming, felt bad for her. But there was little that could be done, the only alternative to their current mode of travel was a devastatingly long staircase.
Fortunately, because of its ludicrous speed, the elevator quickly reached their destination. It came to an abrupt halt, which caused another jolt through the unicorn. It snapped her out of her seemingly comatose state, and she let out a heavy gasp, sweating profusely as her legs began to tremble.
“Uh…Sorry about that,” apologized Quarter as he flipped a switch on the wall, “These things weren’t exactly made for organics.” The elevator door opened, revealing a room that was roughly one forth the size of the garbage room. It had a dingy, industrial look about it, and was lit by a series of lights hanging from the ceiling. By this light, Trixie could see several humanoid figures working around large, identical metal boxes filled with assorted items that Trixie took to be plunder.
“Hey Quarter.” Trixie looked over to see another android passing by the elevator. She was quick to notice he had a different construction than Quarter, as he was far taller and lankier. He had a greasy, tattered bandanna wrapped around his head, just above his glowing green eyes.
“Hey Ed,” said Quarter, “Back from break?” Ed nodded, and then noticed Trixie. The unicorn wrinkled her nose at the towering figure, as he had globs of grease oozing out of a mess of wires protruding from his cranium.
“What’s this?”
“A stowaway,” answered Quarter, much to Trixie’s dismay. She turned and glared at the android, obviously less than thrilled about his choice of words to describe her.
“A stowaway?” echoed Ed, “Odds bobs, how’d that happen?” Quarter’s upper torso whirred as he shrugged.
“Hammer and tongs if I know,” he replied. Trixie watched as Ed crossed his arms.
“Can she talk?”
“Oh boy, can she,” Quarter sighed exasperatedly. Trixie’s mouth fell open indignantly.
“How dare you!” she cried, “The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be mocked!”
“Geez, that’s irritating,” observed Ed, “Where’d you find her?” Quarter’s eyes went wide for a moment, and he was clearly uncomfortable.
“Uh…Engine room. Cap’n had me cleaning out the vents.” There was a dull scraping as the nervous android scratched the back of his head.
“Huh,” said Ed as he eyed the mare suspiciously, “What was she doin’ in there?” Trixie sighed and stuck her nose in the air, tossing her mane back.
“Must the Great and Powerful Trixie continue to point out that she was kidnapped?” she scoffed, “You ponies--er, androids--seized me with your beams or lasers or whatever they are.” Ed gave Quarter a questioning look. All he got in response was another shrug.
“So…should we report this to someone?” ventured Ed.
“I should say so,” huffed Trixie, “Clearly my capture was orchestrated by your superiors. That might explain why you know nothing about it.” She imperiously raised a hoof in the air before her. “Take me to them at once!”
“Alright, alright, cool your jets,” replied Ed. Before he could continue, he looked over his shoulder to see a small crowd gathering around. Trixie’s relatively unusual appearance, along with her loud mouth, had drawn the attention of the rest of the crew. The unicorn shrank back slightly as she watched them gather around. No two seemed exactly alike, for they were all of different heights and proportions as if they were genuine humans. Like Quarter and Ed, they wore some article of clothing that could be recognized as being piratical; a hat here, a belt there. A few androids actually appeared to be of the female gender, which was unusual to Trixie because she didn’t see the point in artificial organisms having genders at all.
“Hey Quarter, why’d you bring a horse aboard?” said a petite female with long black wires for hair.
“Horse?” Trixie snorted indignantly, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is no mere horse. She is the greatest unicorn ever to grace Equestria with her presence.”
“A unicorn?!” exclaimed a stocky, bearded android, “Holy Microsoft, Motherboard of Gates, where’d you get that?”
“The engine room,” Quarter said a little too quickly, “I found her in the ventilation system.” Trixie snorted incredulously.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie would not be caught dead in a ventilation system!” she said, sticking her nose even higher in the air than it already was, “And I thought I already requested to be seen by your commanding officers.”
“Just wait a second,” Quarter muttered, “Hey Silver, you wanna give the Cap’n a call?”
“Sure thing,” the stocky android said as he shuffled over to what Trixie took to be some communication device hanging on a wall. A small smile appeared on the unicorn’s face. Though she detested being kidnapped as much as the next pony, there was some element of it that she found herself enjoying. She knew that it wasn’t the company--so far she hadn’t found a single being aboard worth her time. But once things were sorted out with the captain, she would return to Equestria a celebrity. After all, who wouldn’t want to meet somepony who’d survived being captured by bloodthirsty space pirates?
Trixie and The Space Pirates
“What?!” roared the azure unicorn as she narrowed her fiery eyes at the android christened Silver, “What do you mean the captain can’t speak with Trixie?!” The bearded android seemed incredibly relaxed, contrasting greatly with the fuming equine.
“He said he’s busy at the moment,” he said with a shrug, “He’ll be down to see you as soon as he can.” Predictably this was not an acceptable answer for Trixie, and she was quick to let it be known.
“This is an outrage!” she snarled, “The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that you call him again and tell him to bring his rusted backside to see her!” The furious frown on her face faltered for a moment as the air around her was filled with a chorus of laughter. The unicorn turned to see that the pirates were chuckling, their mechanical bodies whirring and clicking as they shook with mirth. This took some of the wind from her sails, knocking fierce grimace down into a hateful sneer.
“What are you all laughing at?” she growled, trying and failing to look intimidating, “The Great and Powerful Trixie will not tolerate impudence against her!” She stomped her hooves in annoyance. This only sent the crew of misfits into another round of guffawing. Trixie snorted and looked over at Quarter, expecting some sort of assistance. Instead she found the android slowly inching away from her, a meek smile on his face. Through some miracle of empathy on her own part, Trixie understood she had embarrassed him. Instead of feeling some element of remorse for causing his obvious discomfort, the unicorn only felt anger for him. However, her attention suddenly turned to look at a taller, thin android who spoke to her.
“Look,” he said, finally calmed down from the collective fit of laughter, “The Cap’n’s always busy on Fridays. He’ll be down here sooner or later.” As with the first answer, this was not well received.
“But Trixie is his prisoner!” cried the disgruntled equine, “How are we to negotiate my release if he doesn’t speak to me?”
“You’ll just have to wait, then,” said the tall android, “Like I said, he’ll be down here some time or another.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t have time to wait!” shrieked the fraudulent magician, looking very much like the spoiled foal she’d been in her youth, “She has many places of great importance to perform! She can’t sit around this hideous hulk of a ship!” The petite female with the long black wires in a ponytail suddenly stepped forward out of the crowd.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” she said as she narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at the mare, “Are you saying you’re a…performer?”
“I would not expect a lowlife pirate such as yourself to even understand the meaning of the word,” Trixie said contemptuously, “But yes, The Great and Powerful Trixie is a performer. The most distinguished one in Equestria, for that matter.” There was another round of laughter, but this time it came in the form of a series of low, knowing snickers, coupled with metallic clanks as some of the androids elbowed each other. For some reason, the wry grins the pirates gave her made Trixie nervous.
“Alright,” said the female pirate, “We would have taken you for a bigwig or something, but I guess ‘performers’ can be pompous idiots too.” The look on Trixie’s face after hearing this statement sent the pirates into another fit of laughter.
“You…I…” Trixie fumed, but the unicorn was so enraged that she could think of nothing to say for several minutes. When she finally regained her voice, she unleashed a spiteful tirade upon the audio-receptors of the impudent android.
“You little worm!” she screeched, “How dare you try and tarnish the Great and Powerful Trixie’s sparkling reputation!” She turned away and looked upon the pirates as a whole. “You are all the most disrespectful, most imbecilic beings Trixie has ever had the displeasure of knowing! I’ll have each and every one of you sold for scrap once I’ve told the captain of how you’ve mistreated me!”
Trixie would have continued, but once again lost her power of speech as the crew of rusted pirates drew their sabers. The unicorn began to sweat profusely as she looked at the forest of blades that encircled her, and eventually fell back on her haunches as her legs gave out from fear.
“Alright,” she gulped in a voice so soft it was barely audible, “L-let’s try and be reasonable about this…”
“We will if you will,” Quarter muttered out of the side of his mouth. Trixie winced as she felt the tip of a cutlass prod her soft belly.
“Okay, Great and Powerful Nutcase,” said the female pirate, “We’re going to go back to work, you’re going wait quietly until the captain comes. We clear?” Trixie nodded slowly, and the circle of swords disappeared as the pirates sheathed their weapons. “Good. Who’s gonna watch her?”
“I-I will,” volunteered Quarter as he sidestepped forward. This was silently agreed on by everyone else, as it was evident that no one wished to look after the loudmouthed equine. Trixie remained seated as the crew dispersed back to their duties, her heart still racing. Her cheeks burned red with humiliation, contrasting against the rest of her palled face. She turned and glared at Quarter, who looked sheepish as ever.
“Ahm…Well, I’m sorry about that,” he said. He looked as if he wanted to say more, but didn’t know how to continue on. It didn’t really matter, for at that moment Trixie opened her mouth again.
“Alright,” she said, her insufferable pride returning now that her life wasn’t on the line, “The Great and Powerful Trixie understands you are to be her guard now. Where shall I be staying?”
“Not…anywhere, really,” Quarter answered, “I mean, you won’t be locked up or anything. I guess you can just come sit by me while I sort through some goods.” Trixie’s eyes went wide with disbelief.
“You mean I’m to be…watched…like a child?” she asked, sounding rather infuriated. Quarter frowned uncomfortably, but nodded all the same. Trixie’s left eye twitched, and she bared her teeth threateningly at the nervous android.
“Do you not understand who you’re dealing with?” she growled through her grimace, “The Great and Powerful Trixie cannot be monitored like some mere foal. Only the utmost security can contain her! A pitiful excuse for a guard like you will never do!”
“Um…Can we please get going?” said Quarter, “I have a lot of work to do, and--”
“Do you think Trixie cares what sort of labor you engage in?” she cried, “I won’t stand for this indignity!”
“Well…I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you,” Quarter sighed, “Come on now. I really need to get back to work.” Trixie’s mouth fell open in shock as he simply started walking away from her.
“Come back here!” she called as she started after him, “Look at Trixie when she’s addressing you!” She continued to rant in this manner as she followed Quarter past several of the large boxes, as well as through small stations where androids worked with buzzing saws and sparking welding torches. The sound of this activity drowned out her voice for the most part, but she kept up her tirade all the same, as eventually they came into a quiet little corner of the room where some of the metal boxes were opened.
“And another thing!” Trixie shouted, “The level of insubordination displayed by you and your peers is atrocious! I would expect better behavior from a pack of wild manticores!” She continued to grow angrier and angrier as Quarter completely ignored her, instead focusing on large box before him. He reached inside and began to pull out a variety of items that were alien to Trixie, tossing them into bins that contained similar objects. When at last she realized he wasn’t going to respond to her angry remarks, Trixie grew quiet. It was only for a moment, but when she began again, she didn’t seem quite so agitated.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to know what this vessel’s destination is,” she said, grasping the edge of the box with her forelegs and leaning over to peer inside. Quarter looked over at her as he fumbled with something that resembled a slinky.
“Erm…I don’t really know,” replied Quarter, “I’m not in charge of navigation.” There was a pause as Trixie reached down into the metal crate and rooted around through the collection of odds and ends.
“…What exactly is it that you’re in charge of?” the mare said as she raised an eyebrow, gazing at what appeared to be a mechanized spork. She glared indignantly as Quarter reached over and snatched it out of her hoof.
“Sorting the loot,” replied the android as he carefully set the spork in a smaller box, “Careful with that, you’ll put an eye out.” The magician looked back into the crate.
“Loot?” she snorted disappointedly, “You call this garbage loot? How is it you haven’t been fired yet?”
“…Well, we’re doing the best we can,” Quarter sighed at last. Trixie rolled her eyes as she trotted over to what she perceived to be a bench.
“Your ‘best’ is some of the worst quality of work I’ve ever seen,” she said as she seated herself upon the bench, “I’m not even a pirate, and even I know that nothing in that box qualifies as ‘loot’.” Quarter looked over at the snotty unicorn, who now leisurely sat upon the shaft that led down to the garbage room. It took all of his programmed will and then some to resist reaching over and pressing the button that would send her tumbling down to where he had originally found her.
“Um…Trixie--”
“Great and Powerful Trixie,” the equine corrected, not looking at him.
“Great and Powerful Trixie,” Quarter said nervously, “Um…I don’t think you should sit there.” The unicorn turned her head and shot him a contemptuous glare.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie shall sit where she wants,” she huffed, “She is not so stupid as to not know where she can and cannot sit.” Quarter was torn between giggling at her stupidity and pitying it. He chose to pity it, and tried once more to convince the magician to come down from her precarious choice of seating.
“I really think you should come down from there,” he said, “That’s the--”
“It’s the only thing within a hundred feet of here that isn’t covered in grease,” shot back Trixie, “And The Great and Powerful Trixie has no wish to stain her magnificent coat. Go back to sorting your ‘loot’.” Quarter gave one last look at the button on the wall. He sighed and went back to work.
