and what do i do with this bug looking thing

by scrungusbungus

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Changelings, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Slice of Life, Sex, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 18811

An HIE / Anon romance story with a Changeling, following the events of the Canterlot invasion.

[Cover by kyorisu on Tiktok]

i think its a dumb one it's just kinda standing there

An HIE / Anon Romance Story involving Anon & a lost Changeling Drone, following the attack on Canterlot. Unserious story, a goofy outlet between working on my other stories. Tags include content to come.

While most of the other Changelings are being rounded up for capture, Anon just can't seem to hand over this weird little thing, despite Twilights disagreements.

It also keeps vomiting everywhere and trying to rub it on stuff.

Smells kind of like honey.

Published 2024-02-07 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-02 05:39:20 UTC

the fuck do you mean we're missing one

Queen Chrysalis, Grand Regent of the Hives, Overlord of the Changelings, is reeling from their defeat. She now rests deep within the bowels of the cavernous Changeling hives, sat wearily upon her throne, head in hoof, listening to a Drone... drone on about their spectacular failure, and the crushing consequences, including losses. Missing, injured, captured, remaining love supply... things were not great, to say the least. Actually, they were quite terrible.

"...And one missing Nurse Drone." It finishes, before looking up at her expectantly.

Chrysalis raises an eyebrow. She glances down to the Nurse Drone currently tending one of her wounds, softly rubbing golden goop over her leg. That wasn't right. They don't leave the Hive. She'd never put one on the assault force. H-How did that happen?

"...How in the Buck did we lose a Nurse Drone?! They do not leave the Hive! Do you know how long it takes a Nurse Drone to PUPATE?!" She shouts, slamming a hoof down as the nearby Changelings shy away, fearful of her wrath.

Losing a nurse Drone was equivalent to losing one of her elites. They were massive investments, and they couldn't afford to create any more -- especially after their loss. They especially couldn't afford to LOSE any more.

"I want spies back in the Canterlot ranks, now! I don't care if they've TRIPLED security, I need to know if they're holding it in the cells, or wherever it might be! FIND IT!" She roars, Changelings sent scattering through the hives tunnels.
"GET. ME. THAT. DRONE!"

Barfy let's out a long, slow yawn, lifting her head from its resting place, giant squishy emerald eyes slowly blinking. She's splayed across Anons chest, smacking her dribbly lips as she wakes up, a sizable puddle of golden goop having drooled out from her nap. Mostly onto him.

Anon is underneath her, equally splayed out across the couch, laid on his back, snoring. The two had stayed up late, reading comic books, one of which was now sat over his face, fluttering with each of his breaths.

He was warm. And he radiated a constant love. Back in the hive, they would bring her to the feeding chambers now and then, to drain it from some captured creature. Just enough to feed off of something so she could keep working, generating more goop. It never tasted... right. But here?

Here, though, she got as much love as she wanted. She didn't even need to 'eat' it from him, he just... radiated it towards her. And he let her have her own corner; she had a spot on the floor back in the hive. And he'd pick her up and show her stuff, stuff she'd never seen. They'd never let her see new stuff. She always had to stay deep, deep in the hive, away and safe. And he never makes her do anything too hard; he's a lot nicer than the Queen when he scolds her.

One of her chitin-covered hooves touches the collar around her neck. She wasn't quite sure what it was, but, she'd never been given anything before.

She scoots the comic book draped across his face to the floor, watching him snore.

She liked this one. This weird, two legged thing was nice. He'd even stopped poking her in the eye after the third time.

To show her appreciation, she makes a deep hacking sound, and vomits directly on his face, smearing it in so he remains healthy. It's what she did best, after all.

Anon sputters awake to a healthy chunk of golden goop being rubbed on him, including up his nose.

He sputters, wiping it off his mouth, sneezing.
"Dammit, Barfy! I said not the face!"

Barfy buzzes, content.

Twilight watches from a distance, sitting just outside her library. It's been a few days since she got back. Nice weather, so on. Twilight was still in a sour mood.

In the distance, Dash is chasing down Anon, who is currently, accidentally, terrorizing Ponyville.

Hes got his pet bug held high above his head, running through streets making... "Airplane Noises", whatever those are. He refuses to explain, but instead just lets more information that she can't properly compile pour out of his mouth. He continued to ramble something about the F-22's superiority over other Fighter craft, but Twilight couldn't keep up; mostly because whenever she tried to ask him about it, he was dangling the bug in her face the whole time, and she had a worrying realization that she was now stewing on.

The bugs health was improving.

When she had first seen it, being taken in by Anon, it was... stunted, let's say. Flimsy little wings, runt sized.

It was bigger than before. Still tiny, but small details like that would never escape her. She found that its horn-point was higher up Anons leg than it used to be, and its only been a few days. Its wings were getting better, too; was this just from receiving love? Do all Changelings improve when fed? He certainly seems to care deeply for it.

It still blinked like a frog, though.

In the distance, Dash tries to tackle Anon -- he swaps to holding the Changeling like a football, piroutes in place, and dodges Dash as she slams into several tables of a local Cafe, Anon sprinting off laughing. She'd given up on trying to catch him. Something about how he could have gone pro. At least Dash was stubborn enough to keep trying, giving her a chance to think up a trap to catch him.

... Maybe she could excuse this as some form of exposure therapy to Ponyville, and just go read something.

She hears a distant scream in the direction Anon went.

Or maybe she'd just get the Elements and turn him to stone. That sounded more appealing.

the fuck is this

Anon pokes at its squishy, emerald eyeball. Its wet and makes a weird squelch.

The Drones only reaction is to blink slowly, one eye at a time, like a frog.

"Oh, this ones gotta be stupid or something. Was it even supposed to be on the raid?" Anon audibly questions, pushing himself up from his kneeling stance.

The Canterlot raid by the Changelings had been routed. With the blast of magic, most of the assault, including the vile Queen Chrysalis, had been forcefully ejected and sent scurrying. The few that weren't were in the process of being chased down and rounded up, destined for the dungeons. In the open halls of the castle, several guards jog by as distant shouts and clashes can be heard rounding up. Designated Nerd and too-purple pony Twilight Sparkle is walking down the hall, glancing around -- she locks sight with Anon, perking up. Before noticing the Changeling he's beside. She kicks up to a quick canter to close the distance.

Twilight Sparkle slides to a stop beside Anon, taking a wide stance as her horn begins to glow.
"Watch out, Anon. I'll handle this one!"

Twilight instead finds Anon stepping in the way of her magic. Her horn sputters as she leans back in confusion.
"...Anon? You have to move, I'm going to knock it out."

"Uh... you don't really need to do that, Sparkbutt." Anon protests.

"Anon. It's a Changeling! Move." Twilight reaffirms, her horn starting to glow again. To her shock, instead, Anon turns around, picking the thing up. A long globule of golden drool is running from its mouth, and it blinks slowly, again. One eye at a time, making an audible squish noise.

Squish.

Squash.

Twilight recoils slightly, weirded out as her magic sparks out of her horn again.
"Anon, what are you doing?! Put it down! It's dangerous!"

"Oh, man. This thing is like a Pug! I gotta keep it." Anon chuckles, holding it outstretched in his arms as he looks the fuckin' weird thing over.

It looked like your standard changeling, for the most part. One of their many Drones. Though a bit... small. Runty, even. The main difference, was its abhorrently pitiful wings. This thing probably couldn't even take off. And instead of green goey bits, this thing had gold. A squishy, gel-like underbelly gave insight into its insides, Anon watching in fascination as he can see its organs through its golden stomach.

It coughs up some golden goop, dribbling down his arm, staring blankly.

"Ha, ew. This things wicked." Anon huffs, already thinking of a name. Wait, maybe it already has one?
"Hey, barfy. What's your name?"

Its wings buzz for a short moment, jaw slack. Was that an answer?

Twilight finally drags the face from her hoof, ending her extended face-hoof, trotting beside Anon.
"Anon, I don't care how... weird, it is. We need to lock it away! We JUST repelled the Changeling attack!"

Anon purses his lips.
"MMmmmmm no. I'm claiming this one. Dibs, Spoils of war and all that. And I'm calling it Barfy."

An exasperated groan escapes Twilight as she considers just wrenching the thing out of his hands; right as Princess Celestia slowly rounds the corner. Her eyes flicker with familiarity as she sees the Human and her Student; then with caution as she sees the Changeling. Then, just as quickly... a dulled confusion that only came about when the Human was involved. He was holding it like one would a pet.

"...My dear Anon... I would ask if you had caught one, but considering it's you... what are you up to?" She asks tentatively, already slightly aloof thanks to Twilights visible exasperation.

Twilight perks up, twirling in place to point a hoof at Anon.
"Princess! He found a Changeling but won't hand it over! He keeps getting in the way and he said he's going to NAME the thing BARFY and KEEP! IT!" Twilight shouts, hopping in place.

Celestia slowly looks between Anon and... oh.

It slow-blinks at her, one eye at a time.

Squash.

Squish.

"...Perhaps it best you hang onto that one, Anon." Celestia says in a deadpan tone.

"Really?" Anon grins, throwing a smug expression Twilights way.

"WHAT" Twilight exclaims, jaw dangling.

"It clearly... I don't believe it's going to be a threat, and Anon is... uniquely capable." Celestia sighs, shaking her head.

Twilight is fuming, as Anon beams.

"I'll need a Collar! Oh, shit, I need like, pet stuff. These things eat love, right? I can do that."

"...Anon, it is a sapient creature. You do not need--" Princess Celestia starts, but stops a long, dribbly globule of golden drool stretches from its mouth, puddling on the floor.

"...We will get you one. What was it you said you have named it?" Celestia instead asks.

"BARFY!" Anon declares, holding the bug against himself.

Twilight is close to pulling her mane out, letting out a frustrated shout and storming back down the hall.

"Fucks her problem?" Anon snorts, keeping Barfy against his chest. He makes an audible squeak when Barfy wraps its hooves around his neck, leaning into him.

He doesn't even say anything as it hacks a smear of golden goop onto his shirt.

Celestia... just stopped worrying about the Human, some time ago. Similar to Pinkie Pie, things just... worked out, for the biped. She stopped questioning it, and it would be something that Twilight needed to come to terms with, as well.

"She just needs time to... adapt, as we all do. Perhaps you will champion diplomatic relations with the Changelings in the future, as you care for... Barfy." Celestia offers sarcastically sage wisdom. She'd have to warn the guards in the area. "I recommend you bring it home quickly, and quietly. Perhaps under a blanket. Or several. We will have... supplies, brought to you."

"Sweet."

Author's Note

the fuck did it do to the corner of your house

Back in Ponyville, its been about a week since the invasion was shattered.

Having spent that time in Canterlot assisting with the recovery process, Twilight Sparkle finally returns home to Ponyville. She's tired, hooves dragging, ready for some well deserved rest.

But she can't relax yet, groaning.

She has to check on Anon.

Their resident Human had taken in one of the Changelings that had been deemed... harmless. Mostly because he wouldn't let them capture it. And that the Princess let him keep it?!

She knew he was stupid, but not this stupid. Twilight still didn't understand the Princesses reasoning, but she couldn't argue with her teacher. Not until she had some kind of proof. She fully expected Anon to be a love-drained husk collecting dust on his couch. That'd probably be proof enough.

Since his house was close to hers, it's a quick pit-stop on the way to the library. She lets out a worried sigh as she stops by the door. She liked Anon, of course, but he was uniquely pigheaded, even among Ponies. She knocks loudly, several times.

"Anon?! Are you home?" She calls loudly, waiting. Ear perked for the slightest noise.

Or maybe the Changeling would try to mimic Anon, and trick her. She imagines a grotesque version of him, a mockery of Anon -- no, that's still just Anon. Hm.

She hears footsteps -- they sound bipedal.

The door slowly opens. An entirely fine, unharmed, not-weirder than usual Anon is standing there, looking down at Twilight.

His shirt is smeared in golden goop.

"Hey Sparkbutt. Finished with that mess in Canterlot?" He asks, leaning on the doorframe.

Twilight cautiously peers past him, into the house. It's quiet.
"...Hello, Anon. Changelings have been processed into the Cells, and repairs are underway. Is everything alright?"

He shrugs.
"Yeah. Still 'Potty' training the thing, but we're good."

Twilight blinks several times.
"...You're fucking what?"

Anon grins. His vocabulary had rubbed off on her, and it still got a kick out of him every time. He steps aside, letting her in.

Its his house, as normal. You know what a house looks like. There's a few... Golden smears around, but otherwise...

Twilight freezes, eyes locking on a hive-like construction that now takes up a corner beside his fireplace.
"Anon. Its infesting your home."

"Huh? No, thats like... her doghouse." He shakes his head, leaning on the couch.

"Her?" Twilight asks, confused.

"No balls." He states simply.

"Wha--" Twilight sputters.

"BARFY!" Anon shouts. From within the black mass that resembles the Changeling hives, roughly the size of a small doghouse, the Changelings head pops out of one of the holes. It quickly scuttles out of the hole, racing across the floor before sliding to a stop beside Anon. Its wings buzz the entire time, but it never gets any lift. Its got a little collar around its neck titling it 'BaRFY'.

It stands beside him, looking up at him expectantly. It blinks, slowly, one eye at a time.

Squish.

Squash.

Twilight feels a disturbed shiver run up her spine.
"You said you were... Potty training it? You're joking, right?"

He shrugs.
"Probably a better name for it. It eats love, you know, so it doesn't like, actually poop. But I'm trying to get it to limit where it does that golden goop barf thing it does." Anon starts explaining, gesturing to his well-gooped shirt. "It smells nice, and actually doesn't stain, but I keep stepping on it in the night."

"...Do you know why it does it?" Twilight asks. She's entered a... tentatively relaxed state, sitting on her haunches. Anon seems to have the situation under control... and the Changeling looks healthy, at least to her. A very odd situation, but, if they could learn more about the Changelings, they could prevent any repeat issues.

"Oh, yeah. Its like a... healing thing." Anon nods.

"...huh?" Twilight makes an exasperated noise. Sensing she'd like an explanation, Anon continues.

"Cut myself the other day making the fattest fucking sandwich you've ever seen. Barfy got all worked up when she realized, running circles around me. She got a hold of my finger and barfed all over it, before rubbing it in with her hooves. Stopped the bleeding, didn't even need a bandaid or nothing."

"...Really? It... regurgitates a regenerative substance that coagulates bleeding and accelerated the healing process?" Twilight summarizes, particularly nerdily.

"Healing barf." Anon affirms, less nerdily.

"...Has it tried to transform? Like, to steal your identity?" Twilight prods, giving the Changeling a soft stare. She stops when she realizes it's about to do another of its weird slow blinks--shit, too late.

Squish.

Squash.

She shudders.

"Oh, no. Barfy can't transform." Anon shakes his head.

"...Bullshit." Twilight huffs.

"Solid choice of swear. No, actually. I asked her and she shook her head. I think she's some kind of... Nurse bug. Doctor bug, actually -- women bugs can be doctors too." Anon corrects, remembering current year.

"So you've spoken with it?" Twilight asks, taking a tentative step towards the Changeling.

"Nope. She can't speak. Since she doesn't eat normally, she doesn't have a proper throat. Its just barf central down there."
Anon shakes his head, leaning down to give the jiggly golden underbelly of Barfy a poke.

A new slimy drooly glob of goop drips from her mouth as a result. Twilight takes two steps back.

"Jam packed with loads of goop stuff. No room for anything else." Anon deduces.

"How did you... discover that?" Twilight asks, though she's worried about the answer she'll get.

"I get a good view when I'm laying down, and she leans over me trying to yuck it up on me." He explains simply, shrugging like it was entirely normal to be repeatedly slimed by a love-stealing ambush predator.

"... Honestly, I think you were made for each other. I'll let Princess Celestia know you haven't been replaced by it, yet, and I'll check on you later" Twilight decrees, turning for the door.

"Oh -- Twi, you gotta give Barfy her goodbye hug." Anon pipes up.

"Her what?"
Twilight freezes as she hears the quick scuttle of bug-hooves, feeling chitnious appendages wrap around her midsection, and a squishy, gel-like stomach press against her. The bug gurgles, content. It's a good thing she was facing the door, because the face she made was horrific.

"Yeah, Barfy's got like... separation anxiety. I try not to leave her alone, and she gets upset if she doesn't get a proper goodbye. I think she likes you." Anon smiles.

"...Thaaaaanks, Barfy." Twilight taps the bugs shoulder, and it thankfully releases her.

The door shuts as Twilight leaves to go take a long shower.

Anon scoops up Barfy, and the two set about deciding what to do for the rest of the day.

the fuck are you doing in my house

"ANON!" Twilight screams, stamping her foot on the floorboards in frustration.

"I KNOW, IM TRYING!" Anon hopelessly shouts back.

Twilight had been right. The bugs health was improving. Way, way too fast.

Anon had come over to bother her about something -- one of his usual, often nonsensical requests. But this time, he brought the bug with him.

It now sat in her library, on top of the book shelves, in her bucking house, with wings capable of getting it off the ground. Every time she tried to stun it with a zap from her horn or grab it with her magic, either it would evade, buzzing around erratically, or Anon would stumble in the way as he tried to catch it.

She would never admit, even to Celestia, even under oath, just how many times she had purposefully aimed for Anon. It was the only thing keeping her sane at this point.

And of course, the Girls were no help. Dash had refused to help, following her defeat the day prior; now she's in a depressed slump. Aj is working, Rarity refuses to go near it because it won't stop regurgitating is insides, Pinkie would make everything worse, and Fluttershy would be no help, too busy getting rimmed by discord. Pair the chaotic incel with the loner in the forest to keep him distracted. Good move, Cadence.

Twilight groans as Anon leaps off a step-stool, lunging for Barfy. Barfy """"carefully"""" (full-force slams) into the top of the adjacent bookshelf, leaving a golden, goopy impact stain. Anon absolutely biffs it, slams into the side of the shelf, and buries himself under a torrent of books.

"Anon! She's going to stain my books!" Twilight grumbles, trotting around the side, trying to get an angle. Bucking thing won't stay still.

"I'm working on it." Anon grumbles from underneath the literature tomb. His hand weakly rises out of its depths, but falls, buried under the weight off too many damn words.

Barfy stares down from her untouchable Kingdom.

It took them two hours.

Two bucking hours to get that thing out of her library. Everything was smeared in a golden goop, several puddles of it on the floor, even dripping from the ceiling.

The only reason they even caught it was because Spike came in, and Barfy wanted to greet the new face by vomiting directly on him. Poor Spike never knew what was coming.

Hes still on the couch, huddled under a blanket, shivering with a thousand yard stare.

The only reason that Anon and Barfy didn't find themselves teleported, limb by limb, to various corners of Equestria, was that in Twilights exasperation, she'd picked up one of the books, hopelessly wiping at it with a cloth.

The goop came off completely, leaving no stain. Well, she wouldn't have to replace her entire fucking stock of library books, thankfully. A relieved sigh escapes Twilight -- but she wasn't doing that again.

"Anon. Keep Barfy at your house next time you visit. If she barfs ANYWHERE, even NEAR my books again, I'm going to show you what happens when you cast the Make-Alive spell on someone's innards." She growls, inches from his face.

"...Yep, no problem, won't happen again." Anon gulps.

Barfy makes a cough noise, a globule of golden drool dangling lower and lower from her mouth.

Twilights glare slowly shifts directly to stare at Barfy.

There's a quiet pause. Followed by a slurping sound, and Barfy slowly sucks the drool back in.

"Oh, that's a first." Anon notes. The very unamused look from Twilight foretells him he may have overstayed his welcome, and should leave. Now. Like right the fuck now.

Anon stands outside of Rarity's Boutique. Since Twilight didn't wanna hang, maybe Rarity would. Make a fancy little collar for Barfy.

While he had a feeling she might be a little hesitant about Barfy herself, he wasn't expecting her to actually board her door shut. Are those sandbags by the window? And a moat?

"Rarity...?" He calls up.

There's a long pause, but finally Rarity peeks out from the top floor window. Something glints in the midday sun in her hooves.

That's a fucking crossbow.

"Darling, Anon! Sweetheart! So good to see you. Any chance you could... oh, I don't know... what is that saying you keep mentioning? I hope I say it right -- Fuck off? Ever so politely, Darling." Rarity says sweetly. Too sweetly.

Holding Barfy like a football, Anon gives her a salute, u-turns, and promptly fucks off.

Wanding through Ponyville, Anon taps his chin in deep thought, Barfy dangling limply from his arm. Every step, her legs jostle around like they had no bones. Who else could he bother? Twilight was left cleaning up the mess. Rarity was a complete no-go zone unless he fancied himself a new reason to visit Nurse Redheart.

Fluttershy liked animals. Was Barfy an animal? Like, all things were technically animals, but like, on the level of sapience or general intelligence or --

Anon holds Barfy out in front of himself, dangling by the pits, staring at its face.

Squish.

Squash.

Yeah, close enough.

Meandering to her little grove, Anon suffers judgmental glares from birds glaring down from branches, and local wildlife gathering around, watching the pair. For somepony who welcomed animals, Anon sure didn't feel welcome.

Well, probably because he punted Angel clear out the window that one time, but that little bastard had it coming. He was sure Fluttershy had forgiven him for that already.

There it is -- the Fluttershack. Stepping up, Anon almost knocks on the door -- but Barfy's head tilts, and she makes a gurgle noise. Something tripped the Barf alarm.

Crouching down, Anon starts creeping for a window. He had a perfectly good reason to look through someones window, for sure. He just had to find what that reason was really quick.

Holding Barfy so she can get a good look too, the nosy pair peek through Fluttershy's window.

Holy shit, she's getting railed by Discord.

Damn, how can he bend like that?

DAMN, how can SHE bend like THAT?

Anon covers Barfy's poor, innocent eyes, as the pair quickly escape the Fuckshack and skedaddle back to Ponyville to find someone else to bother. He'd stay and watch, but Fluttershy was kind of mid, honestly. Lower end of the six, tbh.

Author's Note

the fuck is this an intervention

Anon sits on his couch, arms crossed in a huff. Barfy is on his lap, blinking slower than ever. He's trapped in his own abode, forced to face consequences. A horrid time.

In front of him in a semi-circle sat the local goody-good squad.

Twilight, bags under her eyes from spending an entire day re-organizing her library. They're in a tense standoff, where Twilight wants to ban him from the library, but if she does, he'll refuse to turn in the books he'd borrowed. Worse yet -- they were from a rather 'private' collection, putting Twilight in a harsh, blackmailed bind.

Applejack, mostly just there to keep the others from dogpiling on Anon. Since he messes with her the least, their relationship is the least damaged. That, and Barfy actually helped Apple Bloom following one of their attempts to get a 'Cutie Mark', so that might be the only friendly face Anon had in the crowd, right now. And it didn't look very friendly. More tired.

Fluttershy, quietly occupying a spot beside the others, glancing around from under her mane. Before she got here, Anon realized they were up to something; they don't gather outside his house unless they did something wrong. Hopping out the window, he intercepted her and used what witnessed saw the other day, involving Discord and some awkward posing, to blackmail her silence. She was dangerous in these confrontations, and he wasn't gonna let her get that authority-voice thing going.

Rarity, twice the distance from Anon than the others, because she refuses to go anywhere near Barfy. She watches the bug suspiciously from behind an umbrella angled towards the volatile vomiter.

Rainbow Dash, throwing him dirty looks for embarrassing her yesterday when she tried to catch him. She's been held back from jumping him and Barfy several times now, and is on her last strike. They haven't even gotten to the talking phase yet.

And Pinkie, who could barely sit still. Having been denied her 'Welcome to Ponyville Barfy The Invading Changeling' party, she was like a fidgeting time-bomb, wanting to make a very, very good friend out of Barfy. Everyone unanimously agreed that was a terrible idea.

"...Anon." Twilight starts, clearing her throat.

"I didn't do it." He reflexively covers. "Boom, saved it."

"What? No! You and Barfy are terrorizing this town!" Twilight shouts, slamming a hoof down.

"Are not." Anon refutes concisely, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Darling, I should inform you I did bring the crossbow -- if that may play into your willingness." Rarity adds, distantly, from across the room, shielded by umbrella fortification.

Anon uncrosses his arms, sits up -- and pokes Barfy into sitting up proper as well.
"Yep, listening."

Dash sneers at him, but he sticks his tongue out at her. She scowls, but AppleJack pats her back.
"Easy, Dash. Let Twi speak 't him."

Dash stews, but relents, crossing her hooves while a scowl settles in.

"Anon. We need to discuss... Barfy." Twilight starts, taking a calming breath. "You've chased Ponies around Ponyville with her, only a week after the Canterlot attack."

"Hey -- hang on, I wasn't chasing anybody! I was imparting my immense knowledge of Fighter Craft to Barfy through demonstration, showcasing the advantages of the --" Anon points out, but is cut off.

"F-22's air dominance, how the F-35 is as comparable but as a utility plane -- yes, Anon. I don't know what any of that means, just like how I don't understand why the pool is closed, or why nobody would buy your Ponycoin. I can guess, but I'm not going to, because you ran around town making a mess of everything!" Twilight shouts, frustrated.

"What?! I didn't make a mess of anything! Barfy behaved the whole time! Not a single yuck-up, and I was flinging her around! Right Barfy?" Anon refutes, poking the bug.

All eyes shift uncomfortably to the Bug for its response. It hacks softly, smacking its lips.

"...Right. Anyway -- Dash made all the mess!" Anon flings an accusatory finger, as Dash snaps at it, teeth clacking. Anon gasps, yanking his finger away dramatically, huffing.

"He's kinda got you on that one, Twi." Applejack relents, surprisingly. Several eyes float to Applejack, shocked.

"Applejack! Don't take his side in this! We're supposed to be handling the Changeling issue!" Twilight argues, twisting to look at the orange pony.

"Twi, it's a Changeling that can't change, and it certainly ain't no threat t' anyone. If it was, Anon'd be done for already." Applejack explains, shockingly demeaning to poor Anons pride.

"Excuse you, I find myself be to a most notable pain in the ass to do in." Anon refutes, crossing his arms.

He is ignored.

"Honestly, other than helpin' you make up for th' mess it made in th' library, I ain't seein' an issue. If it wants t' slime all over his house, let it. Just 'stablish some ground rules, 'stead of tryna get rid of it. You know Anons still upset with y' for what y' did to his last pet." Applejack sighs.

A single tear runs down Anons cheek as he fondly remembers the Timberwolf he'd found. A collective gaze floats to the single stick sitting mantled on the wall, and Twilight sighs.

"...Alright. Fine. Anon, we're going to establish Rules. Rules that you will follow. If you break them, Barfy is gone, understand? Things are tense enough around here as it is." Twilight harshly warns, pointing a hoof at him. Anon bites at it, his teeth clacking, Twilight gasping and yanking her hoof back.

"Shove it, Sparkbutt. You're just pissy this is a situation your manic brain doesn't have control over, hooves all dug into it. Barfy is a diplomatic ambassador for the Changeling people, here to prove that not all Changelings are bad." Anon huffs, reaching behind the couch for something.

Both Twilight and Dash look like they're about ready to just jump him and take the damn bug -- until he pulls a stamped parchment out, handing it to Twilight.

Ready for it to be another elaborate, dumb Anon joke, she cautiously takes it with her magic, floating it in front of her face.

It's a letter, from Celestia.

Actually, it's a document.

A Certified, Notarized, signed by the Princess of the Sun Document stating that Barfy is a Protected Entity within the bounds of Equestria, living as a symbiotic caretaker to the critically endangered and mentally disabled species 'Anony Moos'. For as long as it holds this position, the position title remains 'Changeling Ambassador', and is granted appropriate rights. This can only to be changed under the conditions when the Changelings form a recognized nation and put forth their own, to which this position will enter review.

Twilights jaw nearly hits the floor, trembling.

"Easy, Twi... Don't do anythin' rash..." Applejack coaxes, though, wisely, while starting to back away.

Princess Celestia is enjoying a calm morning, sipping tea and enjoying a slice of cake. A little more than she should be having -- but she wanted to treat herself. She felt quite clever coming up with that little document, skirting the concerns of all related groups.

She sips quietly, content.

Poof.

A letter appears in front of her, in a little puff of green flame. Must be Twilight. But her Friendship report wasn't due for --

Poof.

Oh, another. Odd.

Poof.

Celestia blinks a few times, the newest scroll now sat in her tea. That's not sanitary.

Poof. Poof. Poof.

Uh oh.

PoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoofPoof--

the fuck are you doing its like 3 in the morning

The abode of Equestrias' singular Anon is quiet, the lands deep into the middle of the night. Outside, crickets softly chirp, as the Moon soars high overhead, splashing its soft lunar lighting across Ponyville, hints of it peeking through the cracks in the window, splaying out over the furniture.

Or what's left of his furniture. Twilight's 'episode' after she read Celestia's document had detonated his table, several paintings, and his couch -- basically, his entire living room, and scattered the occupants.

A sprinkle of a losing-it purple prodigy unicorn, combined with the sudden and very powerful teleporting appearance of the pissed-off Sun-Butted God of the land, located entirely within his living room; did not go pretty. The sear on his hardwood floor was still there.

Twilight is staying in Canterlot for the next week, to receive a 'Soft Re-Education of Royal Conduct', leaving Anon to nurse his injuries. Tia apologized in her stead, assuring that something like this wouldn't happen again. (It probably will.)

Anon is dead asleep, snoring loudly from his room. A savage bout with an entire Family-Size Shepards Pie (A Gift from the Apples after Twilight snapped) had knocked him into the 13th level of take-a-fucking-nap, unlikely to wake any earlier than 3pm tomorrow.

Anon had been set up in his own room, since moving him to the Clinic would have been too much of a risky hassle; He went from full-body cast, to entirely fine, in the span of like, two days. Which was surprising, because Twilight had not gone easy. While most of the Ponies were thoroughly confused, though, there was one creature to thank for his speedy recovery.

Barfy leans out of her little patch of hive, crafted meticulously to reminisce home in the corner of Anon's wall, between the fireplace (for warmth) and the door to the kitchen (because she liked the smells).

Though, she was staring to question if the hive truly still meant home. It was where she hatched, after all.

Anon had shielded her from the angry purple one. The only other being to protect her was her Queen -- but she did it by sending her deep, and away into the hive, where it was cold, and lonely. She would sleep, wait to eat, and help the few injured drones that came back.

Anon protected her by holding her close. He was warm. He was kind. He radiated more love than she'd ever had.

She had a Changeling name, but... Barfy was the first thing he gave to her. She treasured it, just as much as the collar on her neck. One of her hooves idly touches it, rubbing the material. She wasn't sure what it was made of... but it was soft. And starting to get a little tight. Not uncomfortable, but it didn't jangle as loosely off her neck as before.

Barfy is torn from her surprisingly deep thoughts as she hears one of Anon's funny snores, where something gets caught in his throat, making a gurgling sound.

With a stretch, she slowly pushes from her little bed construct, hooves clacking on the floor. She'd gotten a little taller, again. She might need to expand her little bed. Maybe she'd make a bigger one in Anon's room.

She saunters through the quiet home, passing the kitchen. She didn't need to eat physical food, but she loved the smell of Anon's cooking. He always made the oddest things, since he didn't seem to eat Love, or whatever the Ponies ate. Cooking seemed like one of the things he enjoyed, having gotten a big, fat book full of recipes from a local bookstore; and another one shipped from somewhere far away called Griffonia.

He'd always involve her, either talking to her the entire time about the process, or even including her, like getting her to hold the bowl, or the plate. Not the knives though. They learned not to do that one real quick.

He'd even offer her bites, but she didn't have tastebuds, often just tumbling out of her mouth. She felt bad for wasting it, but he always laughed.

She reaches the door to his own room, door ajar. Nudging it with her head, Barfy steps inside. She doesn't have to worry about being quiet. Anon sleeps like the dead.

She slowly trots around to the side of his bed, head peeking up over the edge. He's splayed wildly across his bed, limbs in every direction half-wrapped in his blanket, a thick line of drool running from the corner of his mouth.

With a soft buzz, Barfys bug-wings carry her up and onto the mattress, nestling in beside him. He tends to sleep only in his 'Boxers', which seem like very small versions of his normal 'Pants'.

Curling up and pressed against his side, Barfy chitters at the warmth he radiates. He was always warm, exuding it without any fur or chitin to stop it, but when he slept, but was like he got twice as warm. It made her drowsy.

But she didn't want to sleep yet. Instead, one of her hooves slowly trails over his torso, tracing the contours of his body. She'd been generously providing her Regenerative Bile, since he made it so easy to produce as much as she could ever need; how well she was sustained directly affected how much she could generate. The Ponies didn't seem to like it -- but he never minded, beyond asking her to try and contain it to parts of the house.

She slowly licks his stomach, smearing her goop and applying it directly over the parts of him that she could still see some bruising. The first day, she practically drowned him in the stuff. Now, it was delicate spot-care.

Holding herself in position against him, she continues to both smear, and lick along his body. Slowly, carefully, making sure not to miss an inch.

She sees something happening to his boxers out of the corner of her eye -- it was rising? Curiosity overtakes Barfy -- and not the tender kind.

Anon makes a funny noise as she smacks it with a hoof -- a mix between a gasp and a yelp.

She chitters, laughing to herself as he holds it with his hands, staring at her with crusty-eyed confusion.

Author's Note

the fuck how did you break your collar numbnuts

"Rarity."

"Fuck no, Darling."

"C'mon. She'll behave!"

"Absolutely fucking not, Darling."

"But she needs a new collar! Hers broke!"

"Do I look like I deal in petware, Darling? Oh, and do answer that carefully."

Anon groans, rubbing his temple.

He was stood outside Rarity's boutique; the two locked at an impasse.

While out of consideration for what Twilight did to Anon some days prior, she'd filled the moat, removed the sandbags and unboarded the windows. (It was starting to cause ill rumor among her client base, anyway). Crossbow was gone, too. Probably.

However, that consideration did not extend to Barfy, who sat beside Anon. She'd hit a depressive episode, staring sadly at the floor for almost a full day now.

"She got it caught on something while flying around and her collar broke! Come on, Rarity! You know I can't take her to Canterlot, and I can't leave her here to go alone!" Anon calls out.

Slowly, the front door creaks open. The faintest hint of Rarity's purple mane peeks through, her eye glaring from between the crack.

"Darling, dearest Anon. Even the Element of Generosity has its... limits..." Rarity trails off, her gaze roaming to Barfy. There's an odd quiet for a moment, before the door shuts.

Anon goes to groan, unsure of what to do -- when he hears several locks begin to click, and the door to Rarity's Boutique slowly opens.

"...Come sit in the lounge, Darlings. Touch nothing else." Rarity states firmly.

Very odd feelings sat within Rarity, as she invited Ponyvilles two finest oddities past the bulwark of her final, goop-free safe haven.

Anon sits quietly on the lounge couch, twiddling his thumbs, unsure. Barfy slowly joins him, sitting directly against him, her gaze to the floor. Leaning on him.

Rarity watches the pair with a muted expression. Somethings up.

Inside, she was becoming aware to something that only she could detect. Twilight might notice the Physical changes -- she was an observant one. But Rarity had already clocked something much deeper.

As a workaholic, proudly single Mare, Rarity was a massive fan of Romance. Novels, movies -- tragic and sweet. She loved it all. The knight who saves the princess, the dashing rogue who sweeps the lady off her hooves.

This put her in a unique position, alone in her sole station as Ponyvilles greatest Romantic.

Which is why she flipped her stance so quickly, after but a glance at the pair.

Rarity abhorred the idea of Anon's little weird bug pet getting its gross goop all over the place. Smearing its filthy little honey-like filth, ruining days of progress of work, or her mane, or anything else.

But that wasn't his weird little bug pet sitting beside him.

Anon watches her with surprise as Rarity directly approaches Barfy, standing within a foot of her.

She was nearly Rarity's size, now. Her chitin held a soft, crisp luster, her horn sleek. The squishy, jello-like parts of her body held a rich gold color, and didn't so much as drip. Nor did she drool, Rarity watching her mouth silently for some time. Not a hack, gasp, cough, spit -- nothing. Even her emerald eyes, void of pupils, held these soft eyelashes.

Her fin had grown, almost down to her shoulders now -- comparable to a Mane. Her wings, once ratty little appendages that buzzed uselessly, now sat properly closed and folded away. Even her tail, once a stubby protrusion, now draped down her flank.

Rarity knew Changelings fed on love; everyone did. And whatever love Anon was feeding Barfy, Barfy was interpreting this love in a very specific way.

This wasn't a silly little gross bug that Anon brought home.

In front of Rarity, sat a miserable Mare. Not quite there yet -- she still did that... weird blink thing.

Squish.

Squa-- yes, yes, that. Enough of that. This is a Rarity perspective, and we'll be having none of that.

If this kept up... which, with how these two were so hopelessly intertwined, it wasn't a question of if, but when.

"Where is it?" Rarity asks simply, glancing to Anon. He fishes it out of his pocket, and her blueish hint of magic grasps it, holding it up for inspection.

A simple collar, with a nametag dangling off of it, torn on one end of the band so it couldn't clasp anymore. This would not do.

A measuring tape slowly flits over, grasped in a similar glow.

"Pardon me, dear." Rarity whispers, leaning close as she measures Barfy's neck, and her hoof. Any semblance of her previous worry is gone, entirely overwritten.

Anon quietly watches as Rarity takes the collar to her workstation.

Over the course of half an hour, Rarity carefully lays it out, stitching and repairing but; but she seems to spend a fair amount of time modifying it.

When she finally steps back towards the pair, she holds two items, not one.

The first, is the newly reminted collar. Now, most of the pseudo-leather pet-collar vibe has been replaced, making it look like a... material bracelet, which she gingerly wraps around the "wrist" of Barfy's front-left hoof.

The other, is a necklace. The nametag that had dangled off the collar now had a ribbon-like loop, tied carefully around the nametag, which had been softly re-shaped to look more minimal and stylized.

Rarity gently floats this around Barfy's neck, clasping it together.

Barfy slowly glances between the two, as a soft blue glow cups her cheek.

"It's unfitting for a Mare to wear such a thing so brazenly in public; so I hope you can forgive my alterations, Darling." She says softly, reassuring Barfy.

Rarity is surprised as the Changeling wraps its hooves around her, pulling her close into a tight hug. Part of Rarity still tenses, expecting a glob of golden drool -- but it never comes, the Changeling releasing her. She's smiling, now. Good. Rarity sighs in relief, before hopping up onto one of her lounge chairs herself.

"Hey, uh -- thanks Rarity. I didn't expect you to -"

"Don't sweat it, Darling."

"How much do I owe you?"

"On the House, Darling. Now run along -- and treat her right. I've orders to catch up on."

"Oh, uh... thanks." Anon scratches the back of his head; before he's dragged out the door by an excited Barfy.

~

Even after the two had departed, Rarity watches them from the window, squinting from behind curtains. Barfy -- goodness, that poor thing needed to pick a better name -- had soared out of her previous funk, now happily trotting directly beside Anon, so close they bumped into each-other several times.

Rarity groans loudly, slumping back dramatically across the floor. Proudly single didn't mean willingly single.

She needed to remind the Author to stop including her in all these romance stories, if she wasn't going to get her own. How hard was it to write up a hunk for such a fair maiden like her??

Author's Note

the fuck this is my own private domicile and I will not be harrassed

Rainbow Dash sighs loudly. "Do I have to, Applejack?" She whines.

Applejack, frown sat firmly on her face, nudges Dashes flank towards Anons door.
"Twilights already gettin' chewed out by Celestia, an' even Rarity done gone went and got along with 'em."

"Okay, and?? What does that have to do with ME?" Dash throws her Hooves in the air, exasperated.

"You're the only one not on good terms, Dash, an' that ain't fair. Least be cordial."

"Why do I have to play nice when Twilight is the one that freaks out?! And Fluttershy doesn't like him either!"

"Because it's the right thing t' do, Dash; and Flutters gets along with him fine. Now get t' knockin'." Applejack firmly shoves Dash towards the door.

Dash groans, rolling her eyes, before knocking on Anons door several times with a hoof. Loudly. Brimming with annoyance.

There's a loud crash inside. The two Ponies share a concerned glance.

Muffled shouting -- then, something inside shatters.

"Uh... probably come back later." Dash mutters, hopeful.

Applejack rolls her eyes. "Element of Avoidin' your buckin' problems." Jack grunts, spinning around in place before slamming her back hooves into Anons door.

It flies off the hinges, splintering down the middle as it scatters over the floor. The inside of Anons home is... an absolute mess. Again.

What little furniture he had left after Twilights episode, is now scattered around and knocked over. A confused Barfy sits in the corner of the room, looking severely concerned.

In the middle of the room, are two Anons. Fists clenched, shirts grabbed, they're frozen in place as the door is suddenly burst open, a brawl interrupted.

"Ha! Told you it'd--" Dash looks like she was about to brag about being right about Barfy being the source of the problem, until she sees said Barfy in the corner, completely uninvolved. Dashes ego visibly deflates as quick as it arrived.

Applejack eyes the two Anons suspiciously, stepping into the house. Dash slowly trails in after, peeking out from behind her orange flank.

"Wipe your hooves." Both Anons chirp at the same time -- before giving each-other a death glare, slugging each-other in the face.

"...Right." Applejack mutters. She complies, tentatively, before slowly entering the room, standing off to the side near Barfy. Dash follows suit, her curiosity overwriting her natural distaste for apologizing; it wasn't cool to be wrong, after all.

Applejack had heard from Rarity about Barfy's... progress? And now that it was pointed out, even the Southern Belle of a pony could see the difference. She sits beside Barfy, leaning to check on her.
"You, uh... doin' alright there?"

Barfy nods.

Applejack hums in surprise, remembering Barfy's state only... what, two weeks ago? Never thought she'd be able to converse with the thing. With the Mare. Not so much a thing, anymore.

"What's, uh... goin' on?" Applejack mumbles. She doesn't expect an answer, and Barfy can't really provide one, either.

"Yeah. Why are there two of these dipshits?" Dash chimes in; both Anons pause, give her the finger, and go back to scuffling. A back-handed slap, a nut-tap. Finger in the eye. Slapping, kicking, poking, insulting. It's like a cartoon, just missing the big dust cloud.

Maybe Applejack can just let them figure it out themselves.

One Anon just suplexed the other, leaving a dipshit-shaped dent in the floorboards.

Yeah, no.

"Alright, ALRIGHT -- QUIT IT!" Applejack shouts, stamping a hoof -- Barfy and Dash flinching away.

Both Anons freeze mid-tussle, arms reared back, staring at Applejack.
"What?" They grunt in unison.

"Anon, or Anon -- what in Tartarus is goin' on here?" Applejack demands.

"He started it!" "He's a BITCH!" "No YOU'RE THE BITCH!" "YOU DON'T WASH YOUR ASS!" "DO TOO!" "COMIN' ALL UP IN MY HOUSE!" "I WAS HERE FIRST!" "NUHUH" "YUHUH" "NUHUH" "YUHUH" "FUCK YOU" "NO, FUCK YOU!" "OOOH, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME SAY IT!" "I KNOW YOU WON'T!"

The two devolve into a childish, meaningless bickering-match, grasping the others shirt as they shake each other around on the floor.

Applejack shares a look with Dash, who looks about as confused as she does. Barfy watches helplessly, lip quivering.

"SHUT UP!"

Both Anons freeze again, staring at the screaming Applejack.

"BUCKIN' QUIT IT, BOTH OF YOU!"

"But he started--" Both try to squeeze in.

"SHUT."

"B-but--"

"UP."

Both Anons adopt a pitiable frown, pushing off each-other and standing up, side by side, shamefully.

"NOW AH' DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON, BUT WE'RE GETTIN' T' TH' BOTTOM OF THIS." Applejack finally takes a deep breath, calming herself.

Dash is realizing something about herself, newly awakened by Applejack.

The two Anons give each-other hateful side-eyes, but behave.

Applejack clears her throat.
"Alright. Now; why is there two Anons? Anon one. You answer." She states, pointing to the Anon to her left.

"Fuck if I know? This asshole walked out of my bathroom acting like he owned the place." The Anon now titled Anon 1 answers, throwing an accusing wave at Anon 2.

"What? Fuck--" Anon 2 is promptly shushed by Applejack, and frowns.

"Alright. Anon 2?" She directs, now to the Anon on her right.

"I don't want to be Anon 2. This is bullshit. I didn't even get a chance to wash my hands." Anon 2 huffs, crossing his arms.

"...You walked out of the bathroom before you even saw me." Anon 1 objects, giving him a weird look.

"Semantics. I wash my hands in the kitchen sink, it's where the soap is. You would KNOW THAT if you LIVED HERE!" Anon 2 accuses, jabbing a finger at Anon 1. Anon 1 scowls, balling his fists.

Applejack groans, rubbing her temple. This wasn't going anywhere fast.

"Alright, enough. Anon 1 -- Tell me something that only the real Anon would know." Applejack decides.

"Alright, uh..." Anon 1 trails off.

"Fuck off. This shit? Really? You don't fucking know me! I literally just --" Anon 2 frowns -- getting a frown from Dash, and a louder shush from Applejack.

"That one's really defensive." Dash points accusingly with her hoof, at Anon 2.

"Noted." Applejack grunts. Anon 2 throws his hands in the air, grumbling.

"Uhhh -- Oh! That one time that Apple Bloom snuck into --" Anon 1 starts.

"Told you never t' mention that one, Anon." Applejack growls.

Anon 1 gulps. "Noted."

Letting her scowl simmer, Applejack accepts the answer to which Anon was legally bound not to bring up again, turning to Anon 2.

"How long you been in Ponyville for?" Applejack tests.

"Oh, like at least this many." Anon 2 huffs, giving her double-middle fingers.

"...Charming. And deflecting." Applejack squints.

"Anon's an ass, sure, but this one isn't answering anything." Dash whispers.

Anon 2 crosses his arms, while Anon 1 gives him a smug look.

"Alright. Final question -- an I'm hogtyin' the one who gets this one wrong fer' Twilight t' get her moodiness out on." Applejack threatens.

Both Anons share a glare.

"Both 'Nons. One night, when y' were pretty damn drunk, y' called me somethin'. What'd you call me?" Applejack demands dryly.

Anon 1 ponder for a quick moment -- before snapping his fingers.
"Assjack. Apple-ass? Jackass. No -- Apple Shitter, like Apple Fritter. Uh..."

Applejack and Dash grin -- right as a wooden chair smashes into the back of Anon 1's head, dropping him like a sack of bricks.

Anon 2 is holding what's left of the chair, and spits at the now twitching body of Anon 1. The three Mares stare at him with wide, horrified eyes.

Before Anon 1 is surrounded by a burst of green flame, revealing a still-twitching, unconscious Changeling, with a dark-red fin.

"How the fuck would I remember? I was black out drunk. Dumbass." Anon 2 huffs, tossing what's left of the chair aside. Now the sole Anon, he regains titling of Anon, singular.

"...Buckin' what?" Applejack mutters, glancing at Dash. Dash shrugs. "Ah... uh, thought I had th' right one pinned down. Sorry, Sugarcube." Applejack continues, rubbing her neck.

"I gave you a hint, like, right away. I said the soap was in the kitchen. There's no soap in the bathroom. Why the fuck would I buy two soaps? You could have checked." Anon grumbles. He hated this dumb fucking imposter trope.

Both Mares make an awkward noise, processing his odd logic. Barfy trots over to look at the Changeling, sniffing him.

"How did it... know all of that?" Dash questions.

"Probably read my Diary while I was shitting." Anon huffs.

"You keep a Diary?" Dash snorts, stifling a laugh. Meanwhile, Applejack was more perturbed that Apple secrets were being recorded.

"Enough, Dash. We should... tell th' Princess 'bout this." Applejack sighs, a little pocket of shame sitting in her chest. She thought she knew Anon better then that; now, looking back, made a lot more sense the real one didn't want to answer a single question. Had nothing to prove.
"Sorry again, Sugarcube."

"The fuck did you guys even come over to my house for?" Anon glances between the two.

"Oh. Right. Dash?" Applejack nudges Rainbow Dash on the shoulder.

"Ugh. Alright. Hey Anon, I'm..." She groans, rolling her eyes. She still had to apologize? After all that? Ugh... get this over with quick. "SorryforhowI'vebeen--"

Anon audibly gags, covering his mouth. "Oh my god, are you apologizing? This is even worse than the Changeling. Get out." Anon dry heaves, pointing to the door.

Dash looks offended. You think she'd like not having to apologize. But he didn't want it? What?

"Uh... D'you want some help cleanin' up?" Applejack tries to tentatively offer.

Anon shakes his head, pointing to the door again.

Applejack chalks this up to a solid defeat, sighing as she walks out of Anon's now twice-wrecked house. Dash follows after, not sure just how offended she should be that her apology was rejected. What, did he think her apologies weren't good enough? Hers were the best! She fumes, stalking after AJ.

The door would slam shut, if he had a door left.

Anon slowly maneuvers to the floor, sprawling on his back against the dented hardwood. The fake-anon-now-changeling is still out cold, and Barfy trots over to stand beside the real Anon, looking down at him.

"...I don't even want to know if you thought he was the real one." Anon grumbles, rubbing his eyes with his palms.

Barfy blinks a few times, clearing her throat.

"Gonna barf on me now, heal up my bruises as a sorry?" Anon comments, testy.

Barfy shakes her head, making a final cough.
"...No. Knew... it you. When complain... being two." Barfy chitters -- it's thick with buzzing and weird bug-noises, but it's words.

Anon slowly looks up from behind his hands, eyes wide, slack-jawed.

Then she barfs on his face.

Author's Note

the fuck do you mean we're missing TWO NOW

"...We've lost contact with the Ponyville infiltrator, my Queen." A Drone reports, head held high as his body trembles in fear.

Deep within the Changeling Hives, Chrysalis looks like she's about to snap the closest thing in two. Which is, unfortunately, the messenger. Every other Changeling in the throne room seems to understand this, and a wide berth has formed around the poor soul.

Her hooves slam into the throne with such force, cracks splinter across it, horn glowing threatingly.

It takes her several times of trying to start to speak, biting her lip, snarling, growling and re-forming her words to simmer her rage enough to finally utter something.

"...Explain. NOW."

Anon's home is but a fractured husk of what it once was.

He sits on the floor, propping himself up with his arms, legs splayed.

Barfy sits between his legs, head laid on his lap, staring up at him. Thinking whatever bug-thoughts she had behind those big buggy eyes of hers.

There's still a him-shaped dent in the floor.

There's no furniture left in his living room, just splinters, shards and pieces. Even his poor Timber Wolf memento has been shattered in the prior weeks events, another singular tear rolling. Twilight, then Celestia, then a Changeling --

He looks out his door, still open to the air thanks to Applejack.

These Ponies kind of fucking sucked.

Oh, and Barfy can talk now, apparently. He took a look inside her mouth earlier; she was surprisingly willing, tongue stuck out as he pulled her mouth open with his fingers, toying with her jaw and fangs, trying to figure out how this bug worked under the hood. Anon found her throat-structure looked far more complex than just the simple tube for vomiting it used to be.

Though, judging by the big smears of gold across his body that were slowly helping with his bruises, she could still do it just fine.

And there she goes again, retching onto his leg and smearing it across it.

Forgot to mention; Anon was in his underwear. Full-body sliming was better handled in the buff, or as close to the buff as one could get without flashing the town.

It'd been one day since the Changeling scuffle. And Anon was still waiting to find the motivation to do anything about the state of his house. So, until he did, it would stay like this; what's the point of trying to fix it if they'd just blow it up or break it down in a week.

Said Changeling now sits hog-tied in his closet, and a half-eaten Apple-Fritter sits beside Anon, fork sticking out of it. AppleJack had come by with it, apologizing and offering a new door. Eventually.

Alright, country hick wasn't so bad. Butt-diamonds wasn't bad either. Rest still fucking sucked.

Like this rainbow bitch. She peeks her head in the doorway again -- Anon throws a chunk of furniture debris at her, as she ducks out of the way.

They'd been up to this for like half a fucking hour. Apparently, she doesn't want to apologize -- until you don't want it. Then it's the only fucking thing she wants to do, and won't take no for an answer.

"Anon, come on! Let me in! I just want to say --" Dash shouts from outside.

"Fuck it, suck it and tuck it, Shitbow Dash. Go away!" Anon groans. He'd run out of clever insults to her name, her colors, her rainbow-theme, and her supposed sexuality 15 minutes ago.

"...Fuck." Barfy hacks. She gets a pat on the head. Good bug. She nuzzles into him closer.

She'd been getting physically closer a lot more often, lately. Especially after the Changeling tussle, she's barely left his side.

The train softly pulls into the station, a refreshed Twilight emerging, bags hovering beside herself.

Her Rehabilitation had gone swimmingly. Honestly, it played out more like a week long therapy session than anything, and did wonders for Twilights mental state.

Rarity is waiting for her, waving her down as she emerges out of the parting crowd.

"Darling! There you are!" Her blue-glowing hankerchief flittering around in the air.

"Rarity!" Twilight smiles, the two nuzzling each-others neck.

"I hope your trip was soothing, Darling -- I won't comment, but I think you needed it." She smiles, the two turning to walk into Ponyville proper, heading for Twilights Library.

"Oh, I did. It clarified a lot of things, actually. So, how have things been while I've been gone?" Twilight asks, chipper.

Twilight's Library closes in, the familiar tree bringing a comforting sigh to Twilight.

"Delightful, oh, so delightful. I've at least thirteen new orders -- one of the Nobles back up in Canterlot was so smitten, he's sent waves through his friend group. I'm fully booked!" Rarity boasts, grinning.

"Really? That's great, Rarity! I'm glad that's --

A chunk of a chair soars past their heads, thudding onto the street.

They pause, looking. Anon lived right beside Twilight, and... it looks like their conversation enraptured them a lot more than they expected.

Rainbow Dash is ducked beside... what happened to Anon's house? A pang of guilt almost forms in Twilights chest, until she realizes it somehow looks even worse than it did when she left. Where was the door?

Rarity purses her lips. This was news to her, too.
"That... did you double-dip, Darling?" She asks softly, throwing a glance at Twilight.

"No! I just got here! What the buck happened to Anon's house now?!" Twilight groans, trotting over towards the absolute mess. Rarity follows, curious.

"Dash, what is going on?" Twilight asks loudly, ignored. Dash is far too immersed in her games.

Anon was running low on throwables -- she just knew it. She grins. A couple more minutes, and he'd HAVE to hear her--

"DASH!"

Rainbow Dash flinches, turning -- "Oh, hey Twilight! Hey Rarity! Welcome back!"

Rarity gives a little wave, still transfixed on the mess.

"What happened to his door?" Twilight asks.

"Applejack." Dash shrugs.

Twilight groans, face-hoofing. She positions herself opposite of Rainbow Dash, flinching as a chunk of couch goes flying past.
"Anon, it's Twilight. Can I come in?"

"If you make Bitchbow Bash get the fuck out of here, you can blow it up again for all I care." Anon grumbles from inside.

"...Dash, would you giving Anon and myself a moment to speak? Alone?" Twilight asks, politely.

"What? C'mon, Twi! I've almost got--"

"Dash, please." Twilight asks, again.

"That's not fair! I've been here for like half an hour trying to let him see me!" Dash refutes, crossing her hooves and sitting on her haunches, pouting.

"Dash, it's important. I need--"

"Why do you get to just trot in, waggle your horn around and--"

"Go home, Rainbow Dash."

"Y-yep!" Dash squeaks. Rainbow Dash bolts out of there, as fast as her wings can carry, far into the skies.

"My, Darling; authorative! I might have to give that shot myself." Rarity muses.

Twilight giggles. "Part of Celestia's teachings. A little nudge for compliance. Do uh... you mind if I get Anon alone for a bit? There's a few things I'd like to tell him."

"Oh, for certain, Darling. Let me just say hello to Barfy, and I'll be on my way." Rarity smiles.

"...What?" Twilight asks, not sure if she heard Rarity right.

"Barfy, Darling?" Rarity calls.

Twilight watches as a Changeling near Rarity's size trots out of the house, and the two embrace in a quick hug. Wait -- golden gel-like stomach. That was BARFY?!

"Everything fit well, fit good? Nothing pinching or pulling?" Rarity asks, the two settling back down. Barfy holds up her hoof, the collar now on her 'wrist' -- she shakes her head.

"...Go-od!" She slowly chitters out, mimicking Rarity's pronunciation,

Rarity and Twilight's eyes go very wide, for very different reasons.

Rarity squeals, pulling Barfy in close again. "You can SPEAK now, Darling!? Oh, you MUST join Applejack and I on our monthly Spa -- It's in but a few days, and I will not be taking no for an answer. Understood?"

Barfy seems appreciative, but tilts her head, inquisitive.

Rarity gasps. "You don't know -- Oh, that will not do. Darling, in two Days, meet me by my Boutique. I will show you EVERYTHING that a Mare like yourself cannot miss. Now, I need to run -- but Tata! And say hello to Anon for me!"

Rarity gives a little wave to Barfy, then Twilight, and trots off happily towards her Boutique. For Rarity, this was the norm. Things would sort themselves out. She was busy being excited about a new addition to girls night. They really needed to find a new name for that poor thing.

Barfy slowly turns, looking at Twilight. Twilight finally shuts her gob-smacked jaw, reeling back into reality. Alright. Things were different now. Understood.

"...Hello, Barfy. I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle." Twilight fields, holding out a hoof.

Barfy stares at the purple bitch. She learned that word from Anon.

Barfy remembers how she wanted to blast her, and how Anon stood between them.

How she wrecked Anon's house, hurt him, and put him in a bad mood for days.

She didn't like purple bitch.

Twilight watches as Barfy tilts her head at the extended hoof, then back to Twilight. Unlike Rarity, her gaze at Twilight is... cold. Barfy turns, trotting back inside.

Twilight would feel snubbed, if she didn't hear "Blue... bitch, bye." be relayed to Anon. She might just not be there yet, socially, Twilight assumes. This brought a lot of questions that needed answering.

Twilight slowly creeps into Anon's house, wincing at the damage.
"I... didn't do all this, did I? I'm sorry, Anon."

Barfy is sat back between Anon's legs, as he strokes her head, fiddling with her fin.
"Nope. Culprit for half of it is in the closet. Also, hey Twilight." Anon says deadpan. "Meeting with Sunbutt go good?"

"Wh..." She trails off, confused again. The buck was happening? "Uh... yes, Anon, thank you. Can I?" She points towards said closet.

"Go ahead. You can have that one, actually. I like this one more." Anon grunts, shifting his wait to fully lay on his back. Barfy chitters as the petting stops, crawling on top of him. "Shit, you're getting heavy." He grumbles.

Totally not a cryptic choice of words. There's a pang of guilt as she realizes he's using her full name, no attempt at a funny nickname. Somehow, that hurts more than if he'd had yelled at her. Twilight tentatively crosses the one undamaged doorway in his house, turning the knob with her magic.

A hog-tied, bound and gagged Changeling Elite Infiltrator slumps out of it, thudding to the floor. It glares at her with a foul expression; an immediate contrast and far cry to the one sitting on Anon right now.

Purple glow covers it as Twilight promptly lifts it, shoves it back in, and shuts the closet, turning to head outside.
"I need to find Spike and send a letter. Can we talk later, Anon?"

"...Yep." Anon groans. Seriously, why was Barfy so fucking heavy now?

Celestia sits comfortably in the dining room, enjoying her usual. A cup of tea, and a slice of cake.

Two, actually. A little reward for how well handled the whole Twilight situation went. The Rehabilitation went swimmingly.

Though, she couldn't help but feel like she forgot something...

...

She shrugs, sipping quietly.

A little-green flame poofs in front of her -- she flinches, watching the letter hit the table. For a split second, she glances around, the latent trauma of being drowned in parchment not fully gone.

... No second or third or fourth or five hundredth and twenty-second parchments. She's good. She sighs, relieved, picking it up in her golden grasp, unfurling it.

"Let us see what our Prized Pupil has..." She trails off to herself, as she reads the contents. A Changeling had assaulted Anon, and further destroyed his home.

Anon. THAT'S what she forgot. His house was probably still demolished; she'd been meaning to have him reimbursed for the damages. Half of them were likely from her rather huffy, sudden teleportive appearance in his living room.

Woops.

Author's Note

the fuck where did anon go

Intervention 2.0 is currently happening in Anon's house. What's left of it.

...Well, it was supposed to.

Twilight had left to send a letter to Celestia. Celestia sent one back, affirming she would visit on the morrow, to help handle the situation. She even brought a bag of bits, to help fund his reconstruction efforts.

Celestia had arrived, stopping at Twilight's library. The pair went next door after greeting each-other, and rounding up the other Elements.

Twilight, sat beside Princess Celestia, sit where Anon's couch used to be. Both are... lightly upset.

Rainbow Dash showed, but quickly got irked.

Rarity showed, but is now concerned.

AppleJack also showed. She, like Rarity, is also concerned.

Fluttershy is currently tasking her birds with looking around.

Pinkie is... Celestia knows where. Actually, she doesn't, in this situation. She's somewhere, and it isn't here.

Alright, so everypony was here, right?

Yes.

Everyone?

No.

Anon? Is gone.

Barfy? Is gone.

The Changeling Elite? Is gone.

This? Is a problem.

"...NOBODY saw him? At all since yesterday?" Twilight mutters aloud, incredulous. Celestia is currently maintaining a solid three-minute long facehoof, going on four.

"Well, after you sent me away, I went to do some really important stuff!" Dash retorts, crossing her hooves.

"You took a nap." Applejack grunts.

"And? I need my rest." Dash brazenly defends herself.

"Well, Fluttershy is being a dear, and asking her birds if they've seen anything... alarming, with our little... are they runaways? Or do you think that the Changeling got them?" Rarity offers, worried.

"I bet they BOTH turned on him! And now they plan to SUCK HIM DRY!" Dash mocks.

Rarity slaps Dash, surprising the collection.

"Do NOT insult Barfy's character, Rainbow Dash. I will not STAND for such slander. Anon? Slander away, he can handle it, he's a stout sort; but you bite your tongue in regards to our little gold-belly, understood?" Rarity scolds, wagging a hoof in the surprised Dash's face, who holds her own reddening cheek.

Dash rubs her cheek, glancing away and muttering some form of quiet apology.

AppleJack whistles. "Didn't think you'd turn aroun' n' grow fond of th' thing."

"Of course I have, Darling; I even invited her to our next Spa trip." Rarity huffs, sitting back on her haunches, head tilted up properly.

"...Y' what now?"

"My Little Ponies, please." Princess Celestia cuts in, earning all eyes and ears. "Our poor Anon has been through much recently, and a fair amount of it has been at our own hooves."

A tentative, shamed nod circles around from the group. Except Rarity, who has literally done no wrong in this situation thus far, and holds her head high.

"...So, do we have any idea where they may have gone?" Celestia asks.

There's a collective head-shake from everyone.

...Except Rarity.

"I am... still surprised, that this is what you have chosen." The Changeling Elite Infiltrator, named Tremor, chitters.

"Yeah, well... I'm getting sick of these Ponies. At least you understood my humor enough to copy me convincingly." Anon grumbles, hands in pockets, kicking a rock along.

Barfy walks beside Anon, watching the rock with curiosity. Anon kicks it forward, into Barfy's path; aaaand she barfs on it, Anon's little rock now coated in a slime. THEN she tries to kick it, splatting goop around.

"...Not quite, Barfy, but good energy." Anon shrugs, scanning for another rock.

Slight context; Anon was defecting, to join the Changelings.

Let's provide some more information.

When Twilight left to go file her letter with Celestia, Anon decided that gap of no-pony, where Dash, AppleJack, and Twilight had fucked off was about as good of a gap as he was going to get. So, he packed the few things he still had that weren't busted up by the locals, untied the Infiltrator; and explained that he wanted to join the Changelings.

After being assured this wasn't some odd ploy to get information out of him... the Infiltrator agreed, and introduced himself. They departed shortly after, Barfy in tow. They did pause at the Boutique to inform one of the Elements, which was... odd, to Tremor, but she seems surprisingly alright with it. Rarity, he thinks her name was.

Tremor glances over, watching the pair interact. Originally, Tremor was assigned long-term surveillance of Ponyville, given it's vital location as home of the Elements. When giving his most recent report, he'd heard that a Nurse Drone had gone missing in the raid on Canterlot, and was expected to keep an eye out for it.

Lo and behold, it arrived; in tow with the weird, bipedal 'Human'.

And then he cared for it. This... surprised Tremor. Few cared for Changelings willingly.

At first, he didn't even think it was the missing Nurse Drone, but another Changeling on tasking to infiltrate Ponyville. He'd broken into the already damaged Humans home, scoured his secrets, and made contact, hoping for information. When she could barely speak, however, he knew something was up.

Then, the Human confronted him; and Tremor could hear other Ponies approaching. In a panic, he assumed the Humans form, trying a bold usurpation of his position.

We know how that went.

But... it made Tremor feel bad for the Human. They almost fell for it, too. Which on one hoof; Tremor was proud of. On the other hoof... yikes.

At no point did he think the Human would have willingly agreed to return the Nurse Drone. Well... he didn't exactly. He wanted to defect, and come along.

Apparently, 'Barfy', as she had been... 'aptly named', had undergone... significant metamorphosis. Nurse Drones are usually miniature regenerative-goo generators, and little else. Merely weeks of being missing... and it had absorbed so much love, it was near the size of the standard Pony, her chitin a sheen similar to his own. An... Elite Nurse? Or a Fledgling Queen? Nurse... Queen?

That was for Queen Chrysalis to decide, when she got to view this... turn of events.

"So you wish to defect?" Tremor repeats, bringing up what Anon had discussed back in Ponyville.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm kind of sick of Ponies, man." Anon grumbles. That, and Barfy was interested in the idea of getting to go home, but only if Anon came along.

So, fuck it. Changeling time.

Right now, they're trudging through a forest as they slowly cross Equestria. During the day, they would stay low. During the night, the Changelings would fly, holding Anon's arms to carry him to get some proper distance.

"So what's your home like? Is it like that thing Barfy built in the corner of my house?" Anon prods, leaning to poke Tremor.

Tremor squints, tolerating it. Having read the Humans journal, he was aware of its general... oddities.
"The Changelings expansive hives run for miles underground the north-eastern wastes. To compare them is laughable."

"...No offense. Your hive-hole was aptly built for it's size, especially in that you are not a Building Drone." He adds towards Barfy. Nurse Drones were of the same rank of Elites, from their vital position as hive healers, even though they were not Elites themselves.

That... was another thing. There were workers drones. Nursery drones. Warrior drones. Builder drones. This nurse drone... built. Like a builder Drone.

Fledgling Queen may not be the most inaccurate assumption.

"...Thank." Barfy hacks.

Well, that and how Nurse Drones normally did not have vocal cords, communicating through wing-buzzing and noises instead.

Again, a topic for his Queen. Tremor was but the messenger. And the deliverer.

"So... you guys have your own Princess, right?" Anon asks, now softly punting another rock along with them.

"Queen Chrysalis." Tremor corrects. "Princess is a title for the weak."

"Right, like King Sombra. I dig it. Has some good zing to it." Anon nods.

Barfy gets a hold of the rock. It, too, is lost to slime.

"Do you? Queen Chrysalis is not like your... prissy, empathetic Princesses spouting harmony and drivel. She is for the Hive, of the Hive; her word is law." Tremor warns.

"Nah, I get that. Dictatorship? Monarchy? Oligarchy? She the only head bug?" Anon starts asking, curious.

He finds another rock. This time, skipping the middle man, he just hands the rock directly to Barfy.

She seems surprised. She inspects it, before carefully taking it with her magic.

She's now carrying the rock with them. Whatever floats your boat, Barfy.

"...Monarchy?" Tremor muses, glancing at Anon.
"Why is it you have such little issue with Changelings? You were there at the Canterlot attack, were you not? You know we seek to devour the love of creatures?"

"Oh, you guys aren't so bad. Like, really? Your crime is you want love? Everybody wants that. Not your fault you need to eat it to survive." Anon chuffs, hands in his pockets. If Barfy was anything to go by, they just needed a chance to actually get love, and not be stuck in a position needing to steal it.

"...Such empathy may not run in your favor, as much as you hope it will." Tremor warns cryptically.

"...Huh?"

"...Things are not as simple as they appear. Kindness will not solve what has been centuries of suffering for my people, nor will it wipe away what we have had to do." Tremor explains, blunter.

"Oh, well, duh. I dunno about Ponies, but we humans have learned to get over our grudges pretty quickly. I mean shit, look at Germany; you think the second world War might've knocked their rep for good, but here they are slinging cars and beer." Anon chortles.

Then Anon pauses, pausing to glance back at Tremor, who had completely stopped.

"...A second what?"

"Oh, buddy, keep up. Lemme give you a quick run down of Humanity's like... last century."

Twilight hadn't told anyone else, but in the first week, she'd placed a magical tracker on Anon. A soft pulse of her own magic that she would maintain every morning, allowing her to roughly feel where Anon was.

This was important, as Anon constantly got into trouble.

After the meeting, Princess Celestia tasked everyone with searching for Anon and Barfy.

Before she could start, Rarity had pulled her aside.

Barfy had informed her of their plans before they left; Rarity couldn't stop them, but she wanted Twilight to check on them. She didn't want to tell the whole group, as Anon... might not appreciate the entire squad rolling up.

Twilight stands atop her library, feeling for the familiar sense of her own magic. It was night; the perfect time for this.

...And there it was. They hadn't gone terribly far, but Rarity was right. He was already hours away from Ponyville.

Her magic encircling her, Twilight dissapears in a purple burst.

A swirl of purple magic forms, bursting apart as Twilight's form appears.

"Anon!" She shouts -- pausing.

Anon was sat against a tree.

On each side, a Changeling sat, getting their head pat.

Barfy looked content, leaning into it and purring softly.

The Infiltrator... looked traumatized, staring distantly, far far away. His eyes widen as he hears her voice, glancing around at the tree-tops.
"T-the TREES! THEY'RE--"

Anon grabs his head, pointing it at Twilight.
"Purple Pony, not 'Nam. Man, hearing about the middle east tomorrow is gonna mess you up."

The infiltrator groans, burying his head in his hooves.

"Hey Twilight." Anon finally acknowledges her.

Barfy does not, throwing her a Rarity-Quality sneer. Damn.

"...Anon, what are you doing? Why is the Changeling free? We all came to your house to find you, even Princess Celestia!" Twilight asks, worried, stepping closer.

"Ugh." Anon groans. "Good to know I left in time. I'm defecting."

"...What?"

"Yeah, I'm joining the Changelings."

"Anon, they ATTACKED you!"

"I'll give you a chance to make a better argument, considering I've been assaulted by more Pony-Hooves than Bug-Hooves." Anon tsks.

Twilight purses her lips, realizing just how bad things may have actually gotten.
"You, uh... really? You want to leave?"

"Yeah, kinda tired of getting my house, my door, my me kicked in. And for doing what? That whole friendship thing you guys go on about? It's cool when you rehabilitate the God of Chaos or whatever, but if I try to bring a bug home and make sure its safe, that a problem?" Anon crosses his arms. Barfy and Tremor are watching semi-silently, minus the soft 'Ooooo' they both make.

"W-well, I didn't know that-- I was --"

Anon raises an eyebrow.

"...I'm sorry, Anon." Twilight sighs, hanging her head.

"...Alright, you're forgiven." He huffs.

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, you mean well. Just stop blowing my shit up."

"Yeah, of course. Princess Celestia showed me I was... acting improperly."

Anon nods, a small silence filling their little clearing.

"...So, do you want me to help you come back? I can teleport you, or--" Twilight sighs, relieved. They'd probably have to tie up the Infiltrator again...

"Oh, fuck no. I'm still defecting."

"WHAT?!" Twilight exclaims.

"Yeah, apologies or not, I need a break from you guys. Just because I'm not gonna hold a grudge doesn't mean what happened, didn't happen." Anon retorts simply, leaning his head back.

"I...Anon, really? I'm... then I'm sorry, Anon. But I can't just--"

Twilight's eyes go wide as Anon holds up a rope. It's a long one.

Her eyes follow it. It trails slowly up the tree he's against, over a branch, down to the ground, and...

Ends in a loop under her hoof.

Anon yanks it, Twilight yelping loudly as she's pulled airborne by her back leg.

Author's Note

the fuck what do you mean he's living here now

"Laying a trap for your own friend, who you knew would pursue you? Queen Chrysalis may appreciate your cunning..." Tremor mumbles.

It was morning, and they'd taken the night to rest, instead. Their plan of flying there was bust, now, because they had a... hostage.

Tremor had learned a new way to disable a Unicorn. A very... undignified way.

Jacking the horn. It had put the purple pony into a drooling stupor.

He wasn't sure what was worse, though. The fact that he had watched, or that Barfy had looked jealous.

Actually, was the Human even aware that Barfy had selected him as her mate?

She was doing all the Changeling mating tells. Repeatedly bumping into him with her flank, prolonged short-range eye contact, direct physical eye contact, mating chirps... no reaction.

Tremor walks alongside Anon, Barfy huffily following a few feet further back. Twilight was tucked under Anon's arm, bound in the same rope that Tremor had been bound in prior.

She was completely out of it, mumbling something about Celestia.

Anon kept wiping his hand on his shirt.
"Why the fuck was it so sticky...?" He grumbles.

"...Anon." Tremor pipes up.

"What's up, buddy?" Anon glances over.

"...Buddy?" Tremor repeats, confused.

"Yeah? We're friends now, so you're a Buddy." Anon nods, grinning.

"...Oh." Tremor hums. Humans had... an odd way of making friends. And were oddly forgiving, but also grudge-holding.
"Why were you prepared to capture this Twilight?"

"Oh, she's a control freak. I knew she'd find me, and probably wouldn't be willing to let me leave. She's kind of the reason I'm even here, so she feels this... overhanging sense of responsibility." Anon explains.

"...You are surprisingly astute, while maintaining an impressive density of the mind." Tremor muses aloud.

Anon raises an eyebrow.
"...Thanks? What do you mean by that?"

Tremor nods behind them, to the pouting Barfy, who is looking away.

"You continually ignore her. Is it on purpose?" Tremor asks, incredulous look painted on his face.

"What? No. I'm not ignoring her. What?" Anon sputters.

"She is jealous, and has made distance. You give your attention to another." Tremor warns.

Anon looks at the stupefied Purple Pony in his arm.
"...Really?"

"...Give me the Twilight, I will carry her. Carry your Barfy." Tremor instructs.

Twilight is passed off in a glow of deep-green magic, being secured to Tremor's back. He was sturdy for a Changeling.

Barfy is surprised when she's scooped from the ground, now dangling in Anon's arms as he catches up to Tremor.

For a moment, she continues to pout... then it melts away, and she leans into his side, chirping with contentment.

"...If you have to handle the Twilight again before we arrive, please do not do it while she is on my back." Tremor requests politely.

"Honestly, I should just teach you how to do it. Ever cranked it, Tremor?" Anon snorts, scratching Barfy's head.

"Have I what?" Tremor pauses, visibly disgusted.

Well, that was unpleasant.

Tremor felt dirty. A shiver runs up his spine as the Unicorn drools on it.

But, the Unicorn was Re-stupefied for their journey. They'd have to do this a few more times, to keep her pacified; the Hive had proper Magical Negation for ponies, but until then... Eugh. And since Barfy didn't seem keen on letting Anon do it again...

Double Eugh.

"Since we can't fly there, now... we will take the tunnels." Tremor explains, pausing at the side of a large cave.

"...Subtle."

Tremor steps beside it, pushing aside a rock. It reveals another smaller hole.

"Oh. Actually subtle." Anon hums.

"We have a tunnel network through some of Equestria, so we don't always have to travel in disguise, or for Changelings who haven't found a guise yet. Follow me; they are complex." He warns, climbing in.

Anon shrugs, about to step in -- Barfy cuts in front of him, going first.

"Well bescuse you, Barfster." Anon mumbles.

Barfy pauses, throwing a very... particular look at Anon, which he does not catch.

It wasn't entirely unpleasant, traveling by tunnel; kind of cramped, but kind of comfortable. The dirt was reinforced with their weird, alien movie material stuff. And probably some level of magic, because there is no way they crossed that much Equestria, that quickly. It was what, days?

Anon may or may not have exited the tunnel to burgle some local food, with the help of the Changelings.

Barfy got her usual; but in the case of Tremor, Anon permitted him to feed on him, as a thanks.

They were a little hesitant, as the act of draining love was taxing on the drained; Tremor didn't want another body to lug around, and Barfy was worried for him.

Apparently, Humans are just chock full of love. Tremor got a better meal than he'd had in months, and Anon felt none the worse for wear after.

For Tremors mission, that made the both of them all the more vital to bring back. Human love was... hard to describe. Potent?

In the meantime however, Barfy was playfully slow, and refused to get behind Anon, requiring him to push her to get her going again. She'd chitter every time he did. She may be able to speak now, but she loved her words.

Tremor wonders how the Human is actually this dense.

Oh, the Unicorn is stirring again. Tremor groans, dreading what he has to do next.

"So you like your Queen, yeah?" Anon tries asking, pushing Barfy forward again.

"Of course. Every Changeling adores her. She is our Queen, our Ruler." Tremor proclaims.

"Is that cuz she's your super-bug-mom or something?" Anon asks.

"Because she strives and battles to ensure we can have what we need to survive." Tremor grunts, clarifying.

"Oh, gotchya. So she's chill like Celestia?" Anon muses, trying to imagine a buggy Tia.

"...One, do not compare the Queen to the Princess. Two, she loves us. She cares deeply for us, and the health of the Hive. And such a task is... trying." Tremor warns.

"Oh, I know the type. Gotchya -- Damnit, Barfy, keep walking!" Anon huffs, pushing the Nurse Drone.

To push her, he has to shove her ass.

Barfy chitters, staring up at Anon. She's totally doing it on purpose.

Queen Chrysalis sits, or rather, stews on her throne, deep in the dark, dimly-lit tunnels of the Changeling Hive.

Her mood had plummeted lately, having lost not one, but two of her more valuable assets; the loss in Canterlot stung even worse.

Her scowl turns to the Drone that timidly tries to creep into the room; even the guards had been giving a wide berth. They look away; any message wasn't going to be pretty.

"...Speak." Queen Chrysalis growls.

"...Tremor is back, your Majesty." He squeaks out, bowing his head low.

"You impudent --" Her mouth smacks shut. He was back? Tremor was one of her best Infiltrators, and they had lost contact.
"You mean he has reached out?" She demands clarification.

"No, your Royalness. He is... here. With the missing Nurse Drone. And the one who took the Nurse Drone. And... a hostage." He continues to list off, face flinched and watching the queen through a squinted eye.

It was good news, sure, but her mood had been so foul, he might catch a punishment simply for delivering the news so slowly.

"...What?" She mumbles.

"He just arrived now, your Majesty, and is on his way here, to the Throne Room." The messenger clarifies, cowering.

A long, tense silence. Some whispering among the guards.

Chrysalis breaks into a triumphant cackle. Finally! Something had gone her way!

"Remember. Behave. I will speak on your behalf, but you are to pay the Queen her respects." Tremor warns. He was just happy that now that they were in the Hive again, non-Changeling magic was muted. He could stop cranking the Unicorn.

Anon blows a raspberry. "I got this."

Tremor groans, shaking his head, passing several curious Changelings; before emerging into the Throne Room, flanked by numerous guards.

Atop her throne, Queen Chrysalis. Lounging, grinning wickedly as Tremor returns.

"Tremor, my most loyal departee; I see your excursion in Ponyville has turned fruitful. I admit, I was... worried, when you lost contact." Her toying voice carries over the room.

Tremor kneels, depositing the purple Unicorn beside himself. Barfy falls in line beside Tremor, also kneeling.

Anon gives a little wave, scratching his nose.

"And I see you have brought... a lot. Explain, would you? How have you come to capture Celestia's prized little pupil?" She hums, leaning forward, interest piqued.

"...I did not, your majesty. I failed you, and was defeated by the Bipedal Human, Anon, that is here with us. He bested myself, captured the Element, and recovered your Nurse Drone... and named her. Barfy." Tremor relays, a heavy tone in his voice.

Chrysalis tilts her head. That was... not the answer she was expecting, even remotely.

"...Barfy?" She mutters, squinting.

...That, was her Nurse Drone? That... is not a breed of Changeling she has seen naturally emerge from their eggs. Yet, undeniably, that was one of her Nurse Drones. Golden stomach, and the pheromones of a Nurse.

She slowly lowers herself from her throne, almost akin to a spider crawling down its web, approaching. Both Tremor and Barfy kneel lower, the surrounding and watching Changelings falling silent.

"You bested one of my Elites, an Element, and rescued my Drone?" She asks dryly, approaching Anon.

"He wishes to--" Tremor tries to cut in, but flinches at her wicked glare.

"I am not speaking to you, Tremor. Silence." She growls, eyes unmoving.

"I mean... yeah? I'm Anon, by the way." He holds out a hand.

Chrysalis glares at it.
"I did not ask your name."

"Sure, but you should probably know it." Anon shrugs. His hand is still out.

A worried hush falls over the room; if Tremor could sweat, he would be drenched.

Chrysalis slowly forms a wicked smile, her fangs showing. No respect? A challenge, even? This one is bold.

Anon, clueless, smiles back widely. Wide enough to show his pearly lil' meat chompers.

Chrysalis tilts her head, inspecting him as he matches her toothed expression. Not a vegetarian like the Ponies... hm.
"...Why did you best my Infiltrator?" She prods, dryly. Still on guard.

"Tried looking like me and picked a fight. Lost to a chair." Anon shrugs.

Chrysalis glances at Tremor, who visibly shies further away. He identified and bested him. Another hm.

"...Right. And what of the Element, the Twilight Sparkle?" She continues. Twilight had well proved a thorn in her side; how did the Human best her?

"She never looks down." Anon shrugs. "Walked into a snare. Simple stuff."

Chrysalis tsks. Noted. Traps work well, then. But that doesn't explain how they transported her the entire way from Ponyville.
"Her magic?"

Anon air-jerks.
"Jerk the horn."

That finally breaks Chrysalis' demeanor, confusion taking her face. Bullshit.
"Really?"

"Yeah, puts them in a stupor for a few hours. Always funny. If they start waking up, do it again." Anon snickers.

"How did you discover this?" Chrysalis toys, her threatened and threatening posture slowly fading.

"Accident." Anon refuses to clarify further, looking away.

Chrysalis raises her head to a more regal, relaxed posture, still staring down the biped.
"And my Drone? You rescued her from Canterlot? Why?"

"She looked cute, I dunno. Made Twilight mad, so it was funny too." Anon shrugs.

Chrysalis notes the soft hue that Barfy's face takes when she's called cute.

She relaxes further, humming softly. So that's what happened... saturated in love unknowingly.
"It is clear it was not Tremor who brought you here, but you, him. The return of my Drone is appreciated; but why do you bring me an Element, accompanied by my Elite, then?"

"Oh, I want to defect. I'm kinda fucking sick of the Ponies." Anon crosses his arms.

"...Seriously?" Chrysalis hums.

"It is true, your Majesty. They have a habit of... demolishing his home." Tremor adds quietly. Chrysalis glances down, though she does not scold him. Interesting.

"You return my Elite, my Drone, and bring a hostage, wishing to join the Changelings?" Chrysalis finally steps close enough to breath on Anon's face, eyeing him up.

Until she feels something push against her chest, having her step back.

The Nurse Drone just put herself between them.

The Nurse Drone just directly confronted the Queen.

A shocked hush fills the room.

Chrysalis tilts her head, glaring at the offender.

Barfy holds her head high, stance wide, stood in front of the Human for a long moment. She does not bar her fangs; but she makes her surprise allegiance clear; before finally bowing again.

Chrysalis slowly let's out a low cackle, that grows into a cruel laughter. She had never expected such a behavior from one of her own. Emboldened by the Love, hmm?

"Interesting. Well, I certainly cannot let you leave, now." Chrysalis growls.

"Fine by me. Is it cool if I'm like... your Advisor, or some shit? A job title would be pretty cool, since Barfy is already your Ambassador to Equestria." Anon smiles, completely misreading the situation.

Tremor and Chrysalis stare at him, blinking several times.
"...What?" They both mutter.

The next several minutes, Anon shows (whats left after Twilight) the official declaration from Celestia acknowledging Barfy, and details an awkwardly in-depth plan to use Twilight as a hostage in negotiations; it was jammed in his bag with what few other things survived.

He defects, returns her Drone, brings her Elite, brings her a Hostage, and had set up Political tunnels that rooted right under Celestia's hooves.

Devious. She was starting to like this Human.

"...You are surprisingly conniving." Chrysalis hums, inspecting the parchment. It was the real deal; she forged enough Equestrian documents to know.
"Very well, Human -- Anon, was it? You will be my Royal Advisor. Tremor -- have the previous Advisor relinquished to tunnel duty. The Nurse Drone will return to the --"

"No." Barfy coughs.

Chrysalis raises an eyebrow. One slight was comical; a second? Offensive.

Wait. When did Nurse Drones have vocal cords? This confusion overwrites Chrysalis' initial upset. Just how deeply was 'Barfy' changed?

"With... Anon." Barfy affirms, before bowing.

...Still subservient, though. Good. Interesting. Very, very interesting. It seems today was a day of tolerance. She would be playing this by ear.

"P-pardon my... interruption, your Majesty -- but I believe that may be best. It is as if she has... adapted, to him." Tremor adds in, bowing his head.

Chrysalis hums in thought.
"...Tremor, and... 'Barfy'. I am assigning you to the Advisors personal retinue. Follow his orders -- and do not disobey mine, again. This is the extent of my mercy."

Tremor, and Barfy, are quick to lower their heads. Anon pats Chrysalis on the back, gaining a perturbed look.
"Hey, thanks Chryssi. Want me to watch Twilight, too? Tremors good at keeping her pacified."

Chrysalis' gaze slowly moves to the hand on her back, then to the creature. As Emotivores, Changelings were aware of emotions that other creatures exuded -- that wasn't the best way to identify the best time to feed on love.

And this Human was... simple. Awkwardly honest. No tinge of lie, of deception directed at her. And... oddly, brimming with a latent love. Hrm. Keeping him around might also prove a good, temporary food source until they could capitalize these new advantages.

In light of her recent failings... Chrysalis would have to adapt her plans.

Which meant... tolerating the opportunity that had been hoofed to her and her Hive on a silver platter.

"Very well, Anon. Do not disappoint." She commands, allowing the hand of her new Advisor to remain.

One of the worker drones faints.

Author's Note

the fuck this place is kinda cool I want a new house

In a turn of events that surprised most of the Changelings, Queen Chrysalis did not have Anon executed.

Apparently, his surprising level of deviousness and conniving actually had a good impression on her; by presenting his aloof, uncaring nature, supplemented by sheer results in such a short period, he was now on her good side.

And things kept going from there. His observations were... unique, and quotes of various 'Sci-Fi Alien Movies' helped them improve some of their infrastructure and general setups. He wasn't even perturbed when he saw how some of the 'grimier' sections of the Hive worked, apparently de-sensitized by Barfy.

It had been a week since he arrived at the Hives, after those few days of travel. Now, he was dressed in a fancy, Black and Green suit & sash reminiscent of a military officer; his personal request, with Changeling Style, woven by some of their workers. Chrysalis didn't understand his desire for clothes; but had to admit, it cut an imposing figure.

Now, Anon stands with his hands clasped behind his back, watching his personal section of hive-home be hoof-carved to his specifications, in the same section of tunnels as the Queens personal quarters.

Was he having them rebuild his Ponyville House 1:1 but out of bug materials?

You bet your ass he was.

Tremor had been made his personal guard, and dually tasked with keeping an eye on Twilight.. for a particular reason. For compliance sake, her little 'cell' was right next to Anon's house, like back at Ponyville. Funny. Though, instead of a tree-house, it was a dug-into-the-ground cell.

She didn't need to be pacified anymore, as she was fitted with some magic-stopping horn-ring Changeling thing. Anon zoned out when listening to them explain how it worked. Ring go on, horn go off, no need to crank. Easy. The Hives already had a general de-magic aura for non-Changelings, but it wasn't perfect.

What was interesting though, is the look Twilight keeps giving Tremor; and is also the reason he was specified to watch her. She's not happy about being captured, of course, but... the time during their travel had caused something. As Anon put it, "You try getting your horn jerked for a few days straight, back to back no downtime, and try not to develop feelings.".

Tremor didn't really know how to feel about that yet. For Anon, it was funny to watch.

On the other side, Barfy had been made Anon's personal attendant. His medical care, daily requirements; anything he needed, Barfy was to ensure he got it. This was... a much less passive role than expected. Not that it was outright demanding or a heavy workload; Barfy had entirely usurped control of having his house built, directing the worker drones herself. And deciding what Anon needed, herself.

Tremor sits beside Anon as the pair watch the Drones hard at work.

"This how you expected your Defection to play out?" Tremor asks. "She is very... hoofs-on with her care for you."

"Not at all. Pretty cool, though. Though Barfy keeps making changes to my plans." Anon huffs.

"What do you mean?" Tremor looks up to Anon, curious.

"Oh, like... she's making the bed twice as big, all the walking paths are like doubled in size... the door is huge, compared to before. She's making everything so spaced out, and she's setting up a huge pantry. She's even adding new rooms at the end of the hall." Anon grumbles. "The hell does my house need a Nursery for?"

Tremor slowly glances between the in-progress psuedo-human-home, and Anon.
"You're not actually that dumb, right?" Tremor face-hoofs.

"...Huh?" Anon mutters, looking down to Tremor.

"You ARE aware that the Nurse Drone you metamorphosized, named, protected, and have unconditionally shared love with, has claimed you as her Mate, right? You're coated in her pheromones. Everybug in the Hive knows it already. It's why Queen Chrysalis tolerated her behavior." Tremor explains bluntly.

"...Mate? Like, she's saying I'm her buddy?" Anon ponders. Like, the Australian sense?

"Lean down here for a second." Tremor motions.

Anon complies, hunching down with his hands on his knees; and gets a hoof-slap across the face.

Anon blinks a few times.
"Ow?" He mumbles, rubbing his cheek. "I know I said you can relax around me, but damn, Tremor."

"Sorry, you needed that. Let me repeat. She has selected you. As her Partner. Her Mate."

Anon is silent. Tremor can see the first gear turning in his brain.
"...Like...?"

"She wants to lay eggs. Eggs fertilized by you. She is crafting your home to fit your future spawn." Tremor explains slowly, and bluntly, enunciating each act.

Anon's eyes go wide. "What?"

"...In your terms, she wants to Fuck you." Tremor tries clarifying. He really can't make it more simple than that.

"But she's like a... pet! A funny little pug thing!" Anon retorts, throwing his hands in the air. "I got her a collar and everything! Why would she--?!"

Tremor raises an eyebrow. "I don't know what a Pug is, but I think you need to look at her again. Actually --" Tremor cuts himself off. Maybe Anon would benefit from a visual example. "Wait here a second."

Standing, Tremor stops one of the passing worker drones, and instructs them to bring a Nurse Drone, quickly. The drone nods, darting off.

Tremor then approaches Barfy, and gets her to pause her directing for a moment. He whispers something to her, and she tilts her head, before nodding.

Anon watches as Tremor trots back, and gets Barfy, and one of Hives Nurse Drones, side by side in front of him.

...

They barely look the same. Holy shit. How the fuck did it not click until now?

THAT is why Barfy was so heavy? She was like double the fucking size, especially in the back. Nurse Drones were tiny; she was Pony size. And not wearing the collar on her neck, but like a bracelet.

And giving him some serious eyes. Wait. She wasn't doing the funny slow-eye-blink thing. She blinked normally, like Tremor. When did she get those lashes?

And... wait. Mate? Nursery? Bug-Horse-Babies?

Anon's memories are rampantly re-ran-through, now viewing every interaction with Barfy through this new lens. Anon thought she was just thorough. Then he realizes how... sensual half of her goopings of him were. And how often she made physical contact with him. And how he just... touched her, constantly. Her butt, her mouth, her teeth; it was non-stop.

They were totally in a weird little Human-Bug-Horse relationship.

Anon crouches down, head in his hands, groaning. He was gonna need a minute to process this; this came on hard and fast. Was he ready to be a bug-dad? What would they look like? He hadn't even taken her on a date.

A long, pained sigh escapes Anon as he realizes the reality that had been ignored until now. Tremor sighs in turn, shaking his head and patting Anon's back.

Chrysalis paces in her personal quarters, ruminating in thought.

Anon had claimed he was willing to share his love... but feeding an entire Hive off of one source was too reliant. It would be good to bolster them out of this love-drought, but she needed action. Securement of the Changelings future.

The Metamorphosis that 'Barfy' -- Still a ridiculous name, but she refused to change it, apparently -- underwent was unique, as far as Chrysalis could tell.

Multiple Queens have existed before, in better times. And while Barfy was not a Queen, she held a significant amount of evolution behind the sheer amount of Love she had been processing. Thus, she needed to be treated as a Unique case.

Anon was devising an in-depth plan, utilizing their hostage, and his unique situation. Something about squeezing what they needed out of Canterlot, and using an opportune moment to form a Proper Changeling Nation.

She didn't know what he was planning, but if it was good for the Hive... she would let it play out. He had already made numerous improvements, calling upon a significant, otherworldly knowledge. Plus; he himself innately resisted Magic, not entirely unlike their own Anti-Magic wards. What could be more fitting?

For now, she has messengers report her Advisors progress getting settled in the Hive, and relaying his... odd requests.

"And? How is our Advisor settling in?" She prods her newest messenger.

"...Having a mental breakdown over the realization that he is, in fact, his Attendant's Mate. Apparently, their sense for pheromones is almost zero." It belays, bowing.

"I... see. Alert our dear Advisor that I would be willing to educate him on Changeling Romantic Culture. And ensure there is absolute clarity that is not an innuendo or interpreted poorly."

The last thing she needed now was to upset Barfy. Chrysalis favored her heavily, of course, as one of her Nurse Drones; especially now that she was a unique one. She looked forward to when her grasp of language improved.

Barfy is buzzing to herself in contentment.

She hadn't planned on returning to her Hive. She'd been content staying with Anon, in their continually diminishing house.

Well, until Tremor wound up there and picked a fight with Anon.

She wasn't happy with Tremor at first, but it was nice to see another Changeling.

And then Anon described his plans to defect.

Going back to the Hive, but WITH Anon? Barfy could work with that.

Emboldened by Rarity, Barfy has started trying to 'flirt' with Anon. They mostly go unnoticed, but she finds the time to ensure he smells of her pheromones.

She was admittedly a little worried about how Queen Chrysalis would react, but she wasn't about to stand aside and let her push Anon around; she wasn't even really sure where such courage came from. Drones never stood up to their Queen, Elite or not.

But during the week they've been here getting settled, Chrysalis and Barfy have come to an understanding of sorts. While she may not get her 'Nurse Drone' back, Barfy was worth far more than that; especially as recognized Ambassador of the Changelings to Equestria, which carried significant political weight.

Now, Barfy looks at Anon grumbles with his head in his hands, Tremor patting his back. She sighs, trotting over to nuzzle him. The poor thing; moving away from Equestria, adapting to a whole new life. It must be hard on him.

He took care of her; it was her turn to take care of him. She pulls him into a comfortable hug, throat purring to ease his worries as she rests his head against her gel-like underbelly.

Leaving Barfy to... figure things out with her mate, Tremor heads back to check in on their purple prisoner.

As his hoof-steps near, he can hear the sudden sound of movement in her 'Cell'. At Anon's request, it was a decently sized room, given basic and comfortable amenities, with some 'acquired' reading material to keep her entertained. Something akin to a cell-door kept her locked in, but accessible if needed. Since she, like Anon, needed actual food.

"I don't know what you Changelings are up to, but my friends and the Princesses will--" He hears her start to defiantly state, before he comes into view.

Her words trail off, and she glances away.
"O-Oh. Hi, Tremor." She mutters, tapping her hooves together.

"...Element of Friendship." Tremor greets her bluntly, sitting beside the cell door, to guard.

He wasn't a guard Drone. He was an infiltrator. This... he sighs. Whatever. Basically a vacation. And Anon let him feed on him semi-regularly. Take what you can get, Tremor.

"You... can just call me Twilight, you know." She awkwardly smiles, tucking her mane behind her ear with a hoof.

He checked if she was trying to bullshit him, for an escape. Several times.

She wasn't. 'Cranking the Horn' so much, as Anon put it, had unexpected side effects. Feelings. Apparently, cranking a Unicorn to completion back-to-back-to-back was both a sticky, and very impact full experience for the Unicorn.

"So... do you like to read?" She whispers, scooting a little closer to the door.

...She smelt like lavender.

Tremor sighs. He'd roll his eyes, if he had pupils.

...He didn't mind the smell of lavender.

"...I have visited your library on occasion, in disguise. I believe I still owe you a... guide to fur-care. I found I was lacking on the terminology, when discussions came up." Tremor admits.

Twilight gasps. "That was you? Is Grey Dixie okay?"

"I have not harmed anypony. I learned their schedules and operated as multiple faces between gaps in their schedules. I'm an Elite Infiltrator, after all." Tremor proudly boasts.

"Oh. Okay, that's good." Twilight sighs, relieved.

...She scoots a little closer.
"...I had no idea. I heard you even fooled Applejack and Rainbow Dash into thinking you were the real Anon."

"I did. Until he hit me with a chair. But yes, I did." Tremor affirms.

He startles slightly when he feels her hoof rub his wing-covers. When did she--?!

"That's... actually really impressive. If you have a moment... could we discuss how Changeling magic handles the transformation of your body? Does Mass remain the same? Is it more tiring to use larger forms? Changeling Information is... woefully outdated, and I would adore a chance to discuss it with... you." Twilight rambles slightly, before getting a little more... haughty, at the end.

Tremor was concerned at first, but... no, that's genuine. He doesn't feel any deceit. In fact, is she... is she emanating love at him?

Tremor clears his throat awkwardly. "W-while I shouldn't be giving up... Changeling Secrets... if I discussed it with you... Twilight, would that keep you... content, in your stay?" He fields curiously. If talking to her about his basic biology would keep her happy and quiet, he could do that.

Twilight excitedly nods, shifting into place to listen intently. She's still got a hoof on him, stuck through the bars.

Tremor has yet to push the hoof away, starting to discuss the specifics of Changeling Magic.

Author's Note