My Money's Safer in My Mattress

by MonoGlyph

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Main 6
Length: 7650

Twilight and company are robbing the Equestrian National Bank. Shenanigans and crazy antics abound.

Twilight Sparkle, pedantic loner and former student to Princess Celestia, attempts the unprecedented: armed robbery of the National Bank of Equestria. That's her intention, anyway. Twilight's partner in crime, Rarity, insists that two ponies are not sufficient to pull off a job of this caliber. And apparently she has four other participants in mind...

Author's note: If you intend to read this, I recommend you do so before scrolling down to the comments 'cos of possible spoilers. You've been warned.

Published 2012-10-06 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-06 05:20:01 UTC

Is There a Problem, Officer?

Late Friday morning. There’s not a cloud in the sky. The summer air is laden with scents of dew and piping hot pastries. The sickly sweetness buries itself in my nostrils, making me choke. I did not enjoy leaving the cool interior of the library at the height of the season, but sometimes this proved unavoidable. Today, I was visiting an old accomplice. She had halted her business in anticipation of my arrival.

"PLEASE COME BACK LATER! WE’RE CLOSED!" announced a deceptively cheery sign hanging from the front door. I rapped thrice on the glass. The white mare let me in and gently shut the door behind me. Her name was Rarity. We shared a certain history together, starting on the day I first came to Ponyville several years back. I was under the tutelage of Princess Celestia herself when I arrived. That tapered off after a while. I tried to warn her about the inevitable return of Nightmare Moon, but she ignored me, relocated me here. Nightmare Moon did come to Equestria shortly thereafter, but nothing ever came of it. She was unceremoniously banished once more. Meanwhile, the Princess was adamant that I would not mature emotionally without the aid of some ‘friends’. I was wary of strangers back then, and I still am. Who could say what motivated the minds around me? I always preferred to play it safe and distance myself from them. But I liked Rarity. We bonded over tea and dresses that day, frivolous as that may be. Eventually I learned of Rarity’s… unconventional hobbies. But that’s inconsequential.

I helped her pull the blinds over the windows.

“Alright,” I said, brushing off the displaced dust. “Show me.”

She dragged a single mannequin from the mysterious alcoves behind the counter. It was decked out in a black form-fitting suit and bow tie. The suit was sleek, almost sensual. The centerpiece of the ensemble was the grimacing dog-headed mask that obscured the mannequin’s face. The mask looked vicious, with a crudely stitched mouth and a single metallic horn to fit over mine. It was hideous. It was perfect. Rarity believed that the costume would serve its purpose as long as it hid our faces and cutie marks. I was a bit more cautious than she. I insisted that we should leave not a hair, not a bead of sweat, not a single skin cell at the scene. She trusted my attention to detail, expected my input. I was relieved to see that she had begrudgingly listened to my advice, designing the costume accordingly. It was tight and lacked any opening for the tail. She wondered aloud how I could possibly expect the Royal Guard to identify a hair. I didn’t really, nor was it likely to matter. You could never be too careful, I answered.

“This is satisfactory,” I told her.

“Fabulous." She returned the mannequin to its hiding place. "Not to worry, the other five are already completed.”

Something was wrong about the statement. It took me a split second to realize what it was.

“Sorry… Other five?”

“Now, Twilight, dear,” she tutted. “You said it yourself. This isn’t gambling. This isn’t simple burglary. This is a little more ambitious than what we’re used to. I’m afraid it’s unavoidable that we’ll need assistance from several others.”

“The more ponies we bring into this, the more ways everything can sour.”

“Perhaps, but a job like this will prove infinitely more difficult with just us two.”

“No. We don’t need anypony else.”

She sighed.

“Don’t be stubborn, dear. It doesn’t become you. You need not make friends. But a helping hoof would be splendid here, I think. And connections are valuable, after all.”

I gave up. She was more experienced, and I trusted her judgment. I’d have to put aside my antisocial tendencies for the sake of this project.

“If you’ve sewn the six suits, I suppose you already know who’s going to wear them.”

“Correct. I have a few acquaintances around town that expressed some interest in our work. Shall I introduce you to them today?”

“Fine. Fine. There’s no point in putting this off, is there?”

The searing heat beat down on the hapless town. It seemed that Rarity had made prior arrangements, as we found two of our would-be assistants waiting for us at a nearby restaurant.

“Yes, Rainbow Dash is a little difficult to get ahold of otherwise,” she explained when I commented on this. “She’s on the weather patrol, you see.”

The pegasus that Rarity identified as Rainbow Dash was a fairly young mare with a cyan coat and a six-colored mane consistent with her namesake.

“Hey there!” she greeted me brightly. “You’re the boss, right? Twilight Sparkle?”

I turned to Rarity angrily.

“You told them my name?”

“How are they to trust you otherwise?” she asked. “There’s no point in using aliases, either. We’re all familiar with one another.”

“What?!”

If even one of us was caught, we were all as good as captured. Princess Celestia knew how to make her prisoners talk. Perhaps another pony in my position would have called everything off, but I did not. Bigger jobs came with bigger risks. A sound justification.

“So, Miss Dash. Tell me about yourself.”

She was loud and brash, prone to boasting. I could see I’d have some difficulty getting along with her. She claimed she was a seasoned flier, and that she once broke the sound barrier. The affirmation was ludicrous, and I didn’t believe it for a second. However, her skills as a member of the weather patrol would likely prove valuable. I’d brought a spiral notepad and quickly took down everything she said, both to remember her alleged talents and to avoid making prolonged eye contact.

It seemed that I was not the only one unaccustomed to making new acquaintances. Dash’s companion, Fluttershy, though also a pegasus, was her polar opposite in almost every regard. She was timid to the point of fearing her own shadow, and hid instinctively behind her long mane rather than face me. She openly admitted to being asthenic. She could only barely fly. She quickly folded under any significant pressure. Despite this, Dash flared up when I questioned whether her friend would be useful to the team.

“Whaddaya mean? Of course you could use her! If Fluttershy’s out, then I’m out. And you need us more than we need you, y’know.”

The summer heat fueled my boiling irritation. I bit my tongue. Breathe in. Breathe out.

“Listen. I expect the members of our party to be at least somewhat competent. Why should I allow… Fluttershy, was it? Why should I let her in if there is absolutely no advantage to doing so? Did you approve this, Rarity?”

Rarity sipped quietly at her lemonade cocktail. I repeated her name. She leaned backwards and cleared her throat.

“Normally I’d agree with you, but in this case, writing Fluttershy off as useless may be detrimental. She’s a gifted animal trainer. I’m of the opinion that her talent may be applicable here.”

I considered this.

“Very well. I will want a demonstration of what she’s capable of. Consider her position on the team tentative, for now.” I stood up. “I think we’re done here. We will be contacting you both within the next few days. I hope you’ll be prepared. It should go without saying that you will not speak to any outsiders of this undertaking. Thank you for your time.”

We departed and made tracks for the outskirts of Ponyville. The grass shivered in the tenuous breeze. The excessive sunlight was beginning to give me a headache. Rarity stopped ahead of me.

“Good morning, Applejack. I wanted to introduce you to our organizer.”

“Mornin’, Rarity. This is her then, is it?”

Squinting against the sun, I tried to make out the figure in front of us. It was of no use. Applejack seemed to have noticed my struggle.

“Heh. Ah reckon we’d be more comfortable in the shade.”

The earth pony led us beneath the trees of the apple orchard. I blinked a couple of times and rubbed my eyes.

“Now then. My name’s Applejack and I’m mighty pleased t’ meet ya.”

She was of average size, though perhaps slightly more muscular than most. Two piercing emerald eyes gazed at me over freckled cheeks. She looked like a simple farm girl. I was frankly astonished that Rarity would choose to associate with this peasant, but refrained from saying so. I introduced myself and we shook hooves. The farmer nearly dislocated my foreleg in her enthusiasm. She scratched at her Stetson hat as I asked her to describe her strengths.

“Well shoot, I’m nothin’ special. I can bake purty well and I’ve done my share of herdin’ an’ applebuckin’. I’m decent with a rope. Also, Ah can play the fiddle.”

“Applejack believes in the value of honest hard work,” Rarity supplemented. “It was tricky convincing her to join us, but she’s trustworthy. It would be no exaggeration to say that she’s also one of the most athletic mares in Ponyville. She regularly participates in the Running of the Leaves and the Equestrian Rodeo, among other similar events. She’s got countless first-place ribbons to boot.”

“You don’t say,” I muttered. This mare did not offer anything game-changing but I could not begrudge her support. Manual labor was unavoidable and I knew I couldn’t rely on Rarity to take care of it. I took a few brief notes and welcomed Applejack to the team.

The sun had reached its peak as we reentered the sweltering town. The dry earth cried out for moisture beneath our heavy hooves. I was sweating profusely. At last we arrived at our last stop for the day. It was a fairly gaudy building whose architecture was made to resemble cakes, frosting, candy canes and the like. I had been here before, but could not remember the name of the establishment. The sign hanging out front displayed a picture of a particularly unhealthy-looking cupcake rather than a name I could associate with the place. A stout, middle-aged lady manned the cash register inside.

“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! How can I… Ah! Rarity! Are you here to see Pinkie?”

“If it’s not too much bother, Mrs. Cake.”

We heard hoofsteps bounding down the stairs in the back of the colorful bakery. A bright-pink mare came into view. She bounced ceaselessly with each step, and there was an unnatural curl to her mane.

“Rarity! And…” She gasped obnoxiously. “Omigosh, it’s her! The big bad mastermind of ours, Miss Sparkle! I remember you checking up on everypony before the Summer Sun Celebration two years back! Haven’t seen much of you since then, and that’s a shame. Boy, oh boy, I can already tell this is gonna be—" Rarity planted her hoof firmly over the girl’s mouth.

“Maybe we should be a little more observant of our surroundings, yes?” she said. “Wouldn’t want to disrupt business around here. Can we talk upstairs, Pinkie?”

And talk we did, though, to my irritation, not about anything of particular value. Pinkamena “Pinkie” Diane Pie was clearly unhinged. As I tried to get a feel for her strengths, she kept veering off towards completely unrelated subjects. Ideal cake batter. Transportation. At one point she broke into a long-winded spiel about the merits of erecting a fence around one’s property, noting that such measures are taken even in flight-dominated societies such as the Griffin Kingdoms. I had to suppress my urges to engage her in academic debate. When we left Sugarcube Corner some time later I was mentally exhausted and no better informed about Pinkamena’s assets.

“…She’s insane. You picked her out of the hundreds living here? What were you thinking?”

Rarity stopped and looked me in the eyes.

“True, Pinkie’s a little… out there. Most of her talents lie in socializing and preparing celebrations and parties and such. But she’s not unintelligent. She has a working knowledge of artillery and most known explosives.”

I blinked. Standing there, I could not summon the words to question her further.

I did not sleep that night, and this was only partially because of the heat. The snores and nocturnal mumbling of my assistant Spike mingled with the thoughts in my head. Counting sheep did nothing to silence the resulting cacophony. Once more I found myself hunched over the building plans for the Equestrian National Bank. I had stolen these papers from the Archives two weeks ago. This was my first move in what appeared to be an elaborate game of chess where the whole of Canterlot was my opponent. Thanks to Rarity I now had a selection of pawns at my disposal. But before I could complete the final draft of my scheme, I had to know what they were capable of.

I borrowed a parasol from Rarity and revisited the mares over that weekend to evaluate them more closely.

Fluttershy’s affinity towards animals proved to be far stronger than I had originally anticipated. She held sway even over larger creatures, such as bears. I watched her feed fish to an enormous grizzly she called Mr. Wuffles. She looked offended when I asked if it knew any tricks. Strangely, she doesn’t regard her animals as pets. She insists that they are developed individuals in their own right. I never really got along with nature but I suppose if cows and buffalos are intelligent, who’s to say what isn’t? What a frightening thought.

I saw Applejack carry out her errands in Sweet Apple Acres. Her stamina was simply abnormal. The long days on the farm had conditioned her body to withstand heavy workloads, toning her to a physical near-perfection. She also demonstrated her skills with a lasso, stopping a charging bull at a distance of a hundred paces. Her knot-work would shame a sailor. Perhaps there was more to this girl than I’d thought.

I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the one called Rainbow Dash as I was making my way to Sugarcube Corner. She was definitely fleet of wing, zipping around Ponyville with ease. As unlikely as it was that she ever exceeded the speed of sound, I had to at least admit that she was a good deal faster than most pegasi I’d seen. I tried to sneak by and keep to the shadows but my efforts were in vain. She landed before me and asked if I’d seen her practicing her tricks. She seemed clingy, desperate for attention. I suspected she harbored deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or a warped perception of self-worth. It occurred to me that the vast majority of Rarity’s proposed team suffered from some form of neurosis. I hoped this wouldn’t interfere with my plans.

I entered Sugarcube Corner once I’d finished appeasing Rainbow. I found myself in the company of Pinkamena Pie once again. The deranged mare opened with another slew of non sequiturs, but this time I’d come prepared. I cut through her attempts at conversation and demanded to see her weapons stockpile. She took me to the basement, albeit reluctantly. There she showed me some firecrackers of various sizes and shapes. She gestured for silence when I asked her if she had anything more useful like gunpowder or dynamite. She whispered that she kept “the dangerous stuff” elsewhere. The last thing she showed me was her personal invention, the so-called Party Cannon. The device was built to fire balloons and confetti, and Pinkamena used it to enhance her parties. When pressed, she confirmed that with some minor modifications the Cannon could be made to expel more conventional ammunition.

I returned home sometime after two, leaving Rarity’s parasol by the door. The interior of the hollow tree was cool and silent. On days like this I was glad that nopony frequented the library in Ponyville. I was left alone with my thoughts, free to plot. I chewed on the tip of my quill for half an hour, remembering the mares and considering how best to put their abilities to work. When I finished my teeth were stained and my mouth tasted of ink. I wrote out a broad outline fraught with simple terms and abstractions. I silently read and reread my plan. The quill lay on the table for what might have been ten seconds before I picked it up again and resumed my furious scribbling. I wrote notes in the margins and between the lines, slowly filling the parchment until it was nearly black with feverish annotations. Would this be enough? Nay. I took another page and continued recording my thoughts, allowing myself the luxury of speculation, trying to prepare for every possibility.

Nightfall. The silver crescent of the moon shone through my window. Outside, the crickets chirped endlessly, heedless of me as I trotted to Carousel Boutique to return the parasol. I told Rarity that I’ve completed the final draft of the plan.

“I’d like to brief the team soon. Tomorrow, if possible. We’ll make the attempt shortly afterwards, while everything is fresh in their minds,” I said. Rarity looked apprehensive.

“’Shortly afterwards’ meaning…”

“…the next day, at the very latest.”

“Oh dear. This is all happening a mite too fast for my liking.”

“What would you suggest?”

She shifted uneasily.

“Perhaps we could wait a few months, get prepared… Maybe this would be easier in the winter, even.”

“We are prepared. As much so as we’re going to get. Mark my words, if everything goes as expected, this should be a cakewalk.”

“Saying that is practically begging for bad luck.”

“Spare me your superstitious nonsense. You’ll see for yourself. Just get the group together for now and we’ll decide on what to do after the briefing.”

I left her there, on the porch, feeling her eyes on my back as I moved back toward the library to get some much needed shut-eye.

I got a knock on my door the next day at noon. Spike came upstairs to get me. I could tell by his expression that he was confused. I wasn’t overwhelmingly sociable, yet there were five mares—four of whom he’d never seen before—waiting to see me. I put him to work on some arbitrary task upstairs while I attended to my visitors in the basement. I seated them at a small table and provided them with glasses of water. Pinkamena told me she’d rather have juice, but I ignored her. Rarity was having a heated discussion with Applejack and Rainbow Dash about… something. Systems of rule, if I had to guess. Though not particularly eloquent, Applejack seemed to be advocating for a form of socialism. Rarity was incensed by the concept. She insisted that capitalism and a free market were crucial for national growth, citing tired propaganda that concerned freedoms to one’s own property and the “pursuit of happiness”.

“What’s that thing called where there is no government?” Dash asked.

“…Anarchy?” Rarity hesitantly supplied.

“Yeah! I’m all for that.”

She turned to Fluttershy.

“What do you think, Shy? Y’haven’t said anything since early morning.”

“Oh. Umm…”

I had finished setting up the aging projector. A copy of my stolen blueprints was cast on the far wall. I took advantage of the ensuing silence.

“Alright now,” I began. “I don’t know how forward Rarity’s been with you all. I’ll spell out my intentions for those of you not fully informed. This project…”

I paused, trying to find an appropriate phrase.

“Our goal is to…”

I gave up, wishing I’d rehearsed.

“We’re robbing the Equestrian National Bank, established in Canterlot.”

I scanned their faces. None of them appeared surprised or uncomfortable, or in the case of Fluttershy, any more uncomfortable than usual. This was good. There’d be no need to apply amnesiacs and cull the team.

“While this is not an endeavor to be taken lightly, I am confident that with my leadership and your plethora of natural talents, we will succeed without too much difficulty. This has never been attempted before. The bank’s emergency measures are as untried as we are. Should we succeed, we will be remembered. We will leave our collective mark on the capital, the so-called City on the Hill. That’s what all this is about, in the end.”

“What about the loot?” Dash called out. I waved a disinterested hoof.

“That’s just a bonus.”

“Twilight,” Applejack said, playing with the straw in her glass. “D’you… Do you have something against the ponies of Canterlot? Why’re we doin’ this?”

I glared fixedly at her and she coolly met my gaze. I turned away.

“I know what they’re like. I was born and raised there. The unicorns are invariably selfish, xenophobic. Born into wealth. Utterly removed from the world around them. It’s disgusting. I was like that once, you know, before I came here. They lead a pampered and ultimately worthless existence while the common folk around here struggle to make ends meet. Applejack, you said you had family in Appleloosa down south. You are perforce aware that the trains that run in that direction are still horse-drawn. Does that strike you as fair?”

“Ah guess not, but…”

I looked back over my assembled associates.

“Thereupon, I think the social elite can afford to part with a little of their wealth. Any more questions?”

Silence.

“Good.” I spread a map of the capital on the table. “I’ll go ahead and explain the scenario, along with various contingency measures to be taken should things go awry. I expect you to commit these to memory. All questions are to be asked as they occur to you. Is that understood? Right, so…”

Thursday evening. I spare a long, wistful look for Canterlot’s immaculate architecture. My eyes fall upon marble spires, ivory domes and alabaster gates. The capital positively gleams in the starlight. I’m standing on the corner of some unnamed street, waiting. Fluttershy and Applejack are here with me, deathly still, but Pinkamena appears to be late. Such are the risks of arriving to town separately, to avoid arousing suspicion. I resist the temptation to check in with her over the walkie-talkie again. She’s obviously on her way. There are butterflies in my stomach, but I put on a façade of strength and self-confidence. Perhaps Rarity was right. Perhaps it would be prudent for us to wait a few months. Calling everything off now would be easy. Just raise the walkie-talkie to your lips, press the button and…

No. I release my grip on the button, and the sound of static fills the air once more. I’ve led them too far now. It would be best to get this over with, lest the dread occupy my mind for longer. I hear a voice over the device.

“Did you say something, Twilight?”

“I didn’t,” I respond. “Continue as you were.”

I look towards the sky. The nimbus is almost invisible in the dark, but I know it’s there. Rainbow Dash had spent the better part of the day nudging it along, as inconspicuously as possible. It hangs over the commercial district, biding its time. The walkie-talkie crackles to life again. This time it’s Pinkamena’s voice I hear.

“Okie-dokie, I’ve just gotten off the platform. I should be with you in five minutes tops!”

I check my watch. Thirty-five minutes until the departure of the last train out of Canterlot. It’s now or never. I raise the walkie-talkie and hold the button down again.

“Rarity? How’s it looking in the bank?”

I assigned her to the task of keeping a lookout. It’s difficult to maintain a prolonged presence in the building without looking suspicious, so she arrived only recently and was currently playing the part of an inexperienced businessmare trying to open a checking account. It takes some seconds for her to reply.

“It looks to have been a fairly busy day. Winding down, certainly, as much of the clientele has left. Nevertheless, five or six of them stubbornly refuse to leave. I still think we should postpone this heist of ours.”

“Is the cloud in position, Miss Dash?”

“It’s ready when you are, chief.”

“Right. Proceed to step one. Miss Pie, you’d best move quickly. Meet us at the bank as soon as you’re able.”

I turn toward the other two.

“Ladies. Let’s get started.”

We zip up our suits and cover our faces in a murky back alley. I glance at them as they affix their masks. Applejack dons the likeness of a bleached equine skull, while Fluttershy’s mask is more abstract. Gleaming silver, with two faces, one happy, one asleep. Eerie.

Thunder rolls across the sky as Rainbow Dash kicks at the nimbus. It begins to rain. There is no transition, no segue. The streets, bone dry mere moments ago, quickly flood. As we approach the building, lightning streaks across the heavens, striking at some point near its summit. Inside, the lights are affected by the brief voltage spike, turning unbearably bright for an instant before shutting off completely. Rainbow Dash had effectively fried the bank’s circuits. Inside, taking advantage of the darkness and confusion, Rarity unzips her bag and takes out her suit and mask, this one a lioness with bleeding eyes and three horns. Applejack, Fluttershy and I push aside the glass doors and enter the dark building, our profiles outlined by what little light shines in from the outside. The rainwater drips from our suits, forming puddles on the floor. Rarity, now fully outfitted, joins us.

The frightened eyes of Canterlot are on us now, on these hideous visages made worse by the shadows. I see the clerks desperately pushing at their hidden switches, willing the alarm to sound. It’s of no use nor consequence. Slowly, deliberately, I pull two scrolls out of my bag and unfurl them on the shiny, freshly waxed floor. Each is decorated with an elaborate, hyper-realistic picture of a beast, one of a grizzly bear and one of a fearsome, winged lion/scorpion hybrid called a manticore. I cast a complex apportation spell and the pictures quickly start to expand. Once they reach the edges of their respective pages, they swell, turning three-dimensional, pulling themselves from the stifling confines of the parchment. After twenty seconds the process appears to be complete. Two living and fully grown creatures are pawing at the sleek floor of the bank.

I hear a whimper. A colt hides behind his mother. Another mare lets out a shrill scream. The manticore is upon her in an instant, sinking its large stinger into her neck. Blood spills across the pristine floors. I wince, knowing that there will be repercussions for every fatality. The bank falls into chaos as the ponies cry out and try to climb over the counters. Fluttershy is doing her best to keep the two creatures under some semblance of control, but the panicking crowd isn’t helping. I amplify my voice for a brief announcement.

“Everypony shut up.”

They quiet down but I can tell that they’ll resume screaming at the slightest provocation.

“This is a robbery, understand? It’s in your best interest to follow our instructions, because we won’t think twice about offing the lot of you.”

I gestured toward Applejack.

“My associate is going to restrain you all. Please don’t resist.”

The two massive beasts stand between the crowd and the exits, so I don’t waste any breath telling them not to run. As Applejack makes her rounds hog-tying the frightened ponies, I glance outside. It takes a second or two for what I’m seeing to register. An ill-defined silhouette is crossing the street, headed right for us. The doors are forced open and a figure pushing a colorful trolley enters the bank. It is wearing a trench coat, a mask of a nightmare-inducing clown and oddly enough, a top hat.

“Good, you’re here,” I tell her. “What’s with the coat and hat?”

“Well, it’s raining outside, duh,” Pinkamena answers.

“Yes. But these suits are waterproof.”

“Oh. They are? Huh.” She shrugs. “Well! You live and you learn!”

Hard to say why, but I’m instantly filled with suspicion. Rarity interrupts before I can question Pinkamena further.

“You girls understand we shouldn’t spend any more time here than strictly necessary. Do you have the explosives?”

“Yup! I’ll just set those up then!”

The rest of us watch as Miss Pie starts taping bricks of C-4 around the edges of the door to the main vault. The door itself is fairly large, but not built with utmost security in mind. The hinges appear no thicker or stronger than those of a regular door, and the locking mechanism is fairly primitive. If this were a bank in, say, Manehatten, explosives would never work.

Some minutes pass. We clear our captives away from the blast zone and cover our ears as Pinkamena triggers the explosion. There is a flash and an outflow of heat and terrific noise. The disfigured vault door falls in, no longer an obstacle to us. While Fluttershy stays with the beasts and the hostages, the rest of us storm inside. The space is filled floor to ceiling with deposit boxes. We work quickly and methodically, pulling the boxes from their frames one by one and dumping their contents into the bags on our backs. There is bliss to be had from the task. It is all interrupted far too soon.

Fluttershy rushes in, struggling to be heard over the jingling coins.

“Girls! I think… I think we have a problem.”

“What’s goin’ on?” asks Applejack.

“The Royal Guard is here.”

I drop the box I’d been holding, spilling bits across the floor.

“What?”

“That’s preposterous!” Rarity shouts. “Rainbow crippled the warning systems! And Pinkie set off the explosion not five minutes ago! It’s supposed to be dangerous to fly in such a heavy storm, so how could they have responded so quickly?”

“Calm down.” I try to speak evenly but my mind is racing. “I’ve made plans for this possibility. Just do as I said. We’ll be fine.”

“Attention, thieves,” starts one of the guards outside over a megaphone. His voice is low and droning, getting under my skin as soon as the first word is said. “We’ve locked down the only exit. You have nowhere to run. Surrender yourselves immediately.”

As the other four are making preparations for the escape, I exit through the front door to see what we’re dealing with. There are maybe two dozen gold-plated stallions waiting in a wide semicircle around the glass doors.

“Have you decided to give yourselves up?” asks the one with the megaphone.

“Hardly. We have hostages. If you want to see them alive, you will let us leave peacefully.”

The stallion pauses briefly and consults the others; they seem largely unimpressed with our demands. He turns back to me.

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that.”

Scarcely a moment passes before the bear and the manticore burst through the door, compounding the persistent rain with shards of glass.

“Have it your way,” I whisper before the scene devolves into carnage.

Inside, Pinkamena has disassembled her trolley to reveal the newly-modified Lethal Party Cannon. She aims it at the back wall as I reenter the building. The muffled sounds of fighting filter in from the outside. It’s only a matter of time before the assembled guards call for reinforcements. I check my watch again. Nineteen minutes left. I loudly express my impatience and she fires. What remains of the wall after the impact quickly crumbles. We scramble outside through the opening, leaving the Cannon behind. Rarity wonders if we should take one of the hostages with us but I convince her that it’s not worth the effort.

The gentle light of the moon is barely visible through the thick cloud cover. I hear the distant roar of waterfalls in the background. The river that flows through and around Canterlot has likely overflowed. The inhabitants of the city are all indoors, waiting for the flood to run its course. I permit myself a satisfied grin. The plan is proceeding as smoothly as can be expected.

Rarity and I have fallen a fair way behind the rest of the group. Pinkamena slows down just enough to let us catch up. We’re talking about what we intend to do with our bits once this is all over. Rarity aspires to advertise her boutique here in Canterlot, since business in Ponyville isn’t exactly booming. I suspect that her share would be spent on various illicit activities as well, as she’s not one to change her ways. Pinkamena lists a number of items she’s looking to purchase.

“I dunno about you guys, but I could really use new speakers for my parties! Ooh, and speaking of speakers, or music rather, Vinyl told me about a number of CDs that could really liven a place up! Oh, the things I could buy! Like candy and cake and streamers, shiny balloons, a year’s supply of bubble gum…”

I tune her out for a few moments while she goes on. When I resume listening, the list is moving in a somewhat different direction.

“…and some scrap metal and uranium—not the cheap stuff on the black market, mind you—and a kidney or two…”

I go over the words again in my head, wondering if I’d misheard.

“Wait, what? What do you need those things for?”

“What things? Hey, Twilight, what are you gonna do with your share?”

I try to shift gears. She had effortlessly deflected my question and the ball was back on my side of the court.

“My share? I… I don’t know yet.”

She giggles.

“Well, I guess you did say you weren’t doing this for the bits.”

There’s some commotion up ahead. A posse of gilded stallions leaps from a side alley, blocking our progress. I turn around to see another group approaching us from the rear.

“Oh come on. Not now…”

Rarity acts quickly, forcing open a gate into a nearby building. It takes her a few seconds to break me out of my stupor.

“Pull yourself together! Get in!”

The three of us file into the tower as the guards close in from all directions. We bound up the stairs, only delaying the inevitable. Torches and doors fly by us as we climb, seemingly hundreds of them. At last we arrive to the top floor, winded and afraid. It’s a lobby of sorts, with chairs arranged neatly in the center. The place is silent save for the rain tap-tapping on the sizeable glass skylight some way above us. Lightning flashes periodically through that window, bathing the room in a harsh, almost unnatural brilliance.

“Well, hopefully Applejack and Fluttershy were far enough ahead to get away,” Rarity says.

“It doesn’t matter,” I mutter, defeated. “We’ll be forced to reveal their identities one way or another.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong!” Pinkamena begins unbuttoning her trench coat. “Because I thought ahead… aaaaaaand...”

She throws off the garment.

“Ta-da!”

I can feel my blood run cold.

“Oh, sweet Celestia…”

My eyes run over pouches filled with ominous packages, conspicuous wires binding the assembly. What the seemingly cheerful mare hid beneath her coat was a tactical suicide vest.

“As soon as the guards get up here, I’ll press this button and…” She throws her forelegs up. “Kablooie!”

“P-Pinkie…” Rarity stutters. “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m dead serious.” Pinkamena chuckles. “See what I did there?”

“Please don’t.” I back away instinctively, hugging the wall. “Please. It’s not worth it.”

“Sorry, Twilight,” she says dismissively. “I won’t deny our buddies a chance at success. We won’t be taken… alive.”

I can already hear the hurried steps of our pursuers below. I never imagined I’d die like this, caught in an explosion atop one of the capital’s striking marble spires. There’s nothing left, now, nothing I can do.

“Rarity?” I croak, my mouth gone dry. She looks at me. I cannot read her expression through her mask, but I imagine she’s as terrified as I am. “There’s something you should know…”

Time slows down as one approaches the speed of light. Perhaps that’s what is happening here. Perhaps the tower’s become a space shuttle of sorts, hurtling through the void at a nigh-unimaginable velocity. It feels as though we are frozen in the moment, Rarity and I awaiting our all-too-early demise, and Pinkamena, with her hooves on the detonator.

Suddenly, something interrupts. The skylight shatters and a monstrous black thing descends into the room, the rain trailing after it. It is a gigantic crow, straight out of our nightmares. Has it come to feast on our entrails, sensing our doom?

I shake my head, dislodging these melodramatic thoughts of mine. No, of course not. It’s only Rainbow Dash, still wearing her suit and mask. But why is she here? I instructed her not to interfere with the plan, mostly because Rarity was forced to put holes in her suit. Anypony that saw her would remember those cyan wings. She brushes the stray glass from her costume and speaks.

“I saw you guys were in trouble. Sorry Twi, I had to help.”

“It’s alright, I’m glad you’re here.” I can barely keep the relief out of my voice, but quickly come to a realization. “You can… you can only carry one of us… can’t you?”

She nods.

“’Fraid so.”

I feel Rarity nudge me from behind.

“You go, Twilight.”

I look back at her nervously, searching for something to say. When I speak again, my voice sounds hollow, distant.

“You’re sure?” A simple question. I’m holding back.

“Yes. They might need you. Pinkie and I…” Rarity trails off. She sounds like she’s choking. “We’ll hold down the fort here.”

Our farewells are brief. I spare one last hug for her before leaving through the skylight with Dash.

Outside, the two of us are brutally assailed by the wind and the rain, and blinded by the desultory flashes of lightning.

“I thought it was dangerous to fly in a storm like this?” I shout over the building thunder.

“It is,” she calls back. “I’m a pro!”

Wet wings and a passenger. It’s a marvel she’s able to overcome the weight. I guess her earlier bragging was at least partially justified. I watch the top of the tower as we soar eastwards. The explosion itself is barely audible over the rain, but Rainbow catches it.

“Uh. What was that?”

“I guess you didn’t notice the explosive vest that Miss Pie was wearing.”

“Say what?” the rhythm of her wing beats is thrown off by a split second. “No way.”

I can’t think of anything else to say.

We fly in silence for minutes or for years. Our landing takes place in a garden on the edge of the city. Vibrant poppies bend under the raindrops. Crimson. Fluttershy is among these flowers, while Applejack is waiting on a loamy trail.

“Well, I’ll be. You made it. I thought y’all were fixin’ to get skinned back there, but—" she stops “—where’s Rarity an’ Pinkie?”

I plant my eyes firmly on the loam, glad for the mask.

“They, ah… didn’t make it.”

Fluttershy draws near upon hearing my words.

“Wh-what?”

I glance at Rainbow Dash. She’s silent, motionless.

“Dead,” I say laconically. “They are both dead.”

We disrobe nearby, stuffing our masks and suits into our saddlebags. The other three haven’t said a word but I notice that Fluttershy’s cheeks are streaked with tears. The last few drops of rain dribble onto the wet street, as if signaling the impending end to our journey. I glance at my watch for the last time. Six minutes until the last train departs.

“You can probably go,” I say, addressing Rainbow. “You don’t need the train to get back to Cloudsdale, right? We’re just about done here, anyway.”

“Are you sure?” She looks uneasy. “You guys gonna be okay from here?”

“Count on it.” I give her a smile. “We’ll meet you back in Ponyville.”

She grins.

“Sweet! Oh, Fluttershy. I can take that bag for ya if you want.”

Fluttershy gives her saddlebag to Rainbow wordlessly.

“Hey, cheer up, Shy. We got the gold!”

“Yes but… was it worth it?”

Rainbow gives a little sigh.

“I guess… probably not. But we can’t change what happened. I’ll just let you guys think. See you later.”

We watch her disappear into the night sky. Applejack speaks as we resume our trek towards the train station.

“I'm with Fluttershy on this. Tonight was an unn-miti-gayted disaster. I hope the bits’ll last us, at least.”

I shrug.

“Maybe you’re right. But it could be worse.”

“True. I am glad I got ta meetcha, Twilight. Ah know it’s not your fault everythin’ went off-kilter like that. Y’did what you could. I jes’ hope the two of them are in a better place…”

We’re on the station platform now, purchasing our tickets. With no time to spare, we head toward the waiting locomotive. Before we can enter the car we’re stopped by a familiar white stallion with wavy blue locks. He’s dressed fairly casually, wearing a turtleneck sweater and a bright red jacket.

“Twily! You’re here!”

Applejack tenses up behind me.

“Twilight. Who’s this?” she asks.

Several gold-plated stallions exit the train as though they were waiting for us. Before any of us can move another pack of guards block off the exits from the outside. I toss my saddlebag towards the azure-haired stallion. An errant coin rolls out as the bag hits the floor.

“This is Shining Armor,” I state flatly. “Captain of the Royal Guard. My older brother.”

I watch as a look of sick realization spreads across the mares’ features.

“You didn’t!”

“Of all the lyin’, no-good—”

They’re quickly restrained by two specially-trained unicorns. I turn back to my brother, ignoring their outraged shrieks.

“I have delivered the conspirators as promised. Sorry about any casualties you may have suffered in the meantime. I had to put on a convincing act if this was ever going to work.”

Shining Armor looks at the two mares, then to me.

“That’s all well and good, sis, but I did ask for the repeat offender, Rarity. Where is she?”

“There was an explosion atop one of the towers near the bank. Rarity and one Pinkamena Diane Pie both perished in the blaze.”

“Is that right? That’s… unfortunate.” He sighs, massaging his forehead. “Okay. Is there anything else I should know?”

“Yes. We had one more accomplice. A cyan pegasus, going by the name of Rainbow Dash. She currently resides in Cloudsdale.”

“Got it. I’ll dispatch a few stallions to collect her in the morning. Excellent work, Twily.”

“Always a pleasure. Give the Princess my regards, won’t you?”

I glance back at my former partners.

“Well, girls. I suppose this is where we part ways.”

Fluttershy weeps softly, refusing to look at me.

“We trusted you. Rarity trusted you.”

“That she did. As a criminal, perhaps she shouldn’t have trusted so easily. You all never had to come into the equation. But she insisted, and now, here you are, victims of circumstance. My condolences.”

Upon hearing my words, Applejack renews her futile struggle against her magical bonds.

“Don’t you give us yer phony apologies! Y’dint have to do this! Ah have a family on the farm ta come back to! We needed th’ money!”

Probably noticing my waning interest, she pulls one last card.

“All that malarkey ‘bout getting back at the entitled elite, that was all a lie?! Y’haven’t changed after all, you’re still one of them! A filthy, lyin’ swindler!”

“You’re wrong. I’m but a humble librarian. Helping the Guard is my civic duty. In any case, I hope your cells will be habitable… I have nothing against either of you, after all. Best of luck to you, girls.”

I step on the last evening train with nary a coin.

I step on the last evening train with not one regret.

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

As always, I’m grateful for your continued support. I may not have been an ideal student but I’m eager to help the state in any way I can. As you recall, your most recent request was for me to get close to the suspected thief, Rarity, and arrange for her to be caught in the act. Alas, she wouldn’t allow me to tag along on any of her escapades until recently. She warmed up to me in due time, and noticing my eye for detail, gave me free reign over a larger project.

Despite my protests, she insisted on bringing along four other mares to help us. The three surviving members should now be in the custody of the Royal Guard. I apologize that I was unable to bring you Rarity herself, but an error in predicting a certain mare’s actions resulted in the premature retirement of the two. At the very least, I can safely say that Rarity will no longer be a concern.

Likewise, I take full responsibility for any and all property damage resulting from this plan. One piece of advice I should give, if I may be so bold, is for management to improve the bank’s security systems. Disabling the alarms and breaking into the vault was shockingly simple. Were it not for the warning I sent the Guard in advance, I suspect we would have easily gotten away. My recommendations are as follows: a device to divert excess voltage in the event of another lightning strike, a reinforced steel interior for the vault and a stronger door with an updated locking mechanism. I would also encourage them to invest in regularly maintained wards or other magical protection. If they would like my assistance in this last respect, I’d be happy to provide it for adequate compensation.

I look forward to hearing back from you. Should you have any more tasks for me please do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely yours,

Twilight Sparkle