Here's the Snap

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Applejack (EqG), Equestria Girls, Hondo Flanks, Profanity, Alternate Universe, Rarity (EqG), Drama
Length: 4651

A family is like a fudge: Sweet, with some nuts, and every new recipe takes some getting used to. Also messier at a tailgate party than you might expect.

Falling in love with someone is a package deal. Yes, you get your significant other, but for good and for ill, you also get their family. Normally, that's all upside for Applejack. For all her aunts, uncles, and cousins, she still doesn't have as much family as she wishes.

But Rarity is extraordinary in so many ways, and so are her relatives. Especially her father. And now AJ has to worry about setting off a truly extraordinary family feud.

After all, "It's just a game" doesn't work on a man with an Ultra Bowl ring.

Part of the Oversaturated World, with little to no familiarity required for this story. Rated T for stronger language and substances than the pastel humanoids could get away with on camera.

Published 2024-02-09 15:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-09 15:00:02 UTC

Go Long. Longer. There's a Blast Radius Involved.

Applejack could be called many things: A farmer, a friend, a hero, even Honesty itself on some metaphysical level she had neither the knowledge nor inclination to unpack. But she was not, nor had she even been easily frightened.

And yet, on one cold and fateful Friday, she still felt like a girl standing on the edge of a long, deep canyon with no way but forward.

“Hey! Applejack!”

She looked up from the abyss to scowl at Rainbow Dash. Couldn’t even let her have an existential crisis in peace. “What!?”

Rainbow drew back for a second, only for her concerned frown to come back with a vengeance. “What’s up with you and Rarity?”

Face and soul both twisted as Applejack tried not to acknowledge the question. “Never said nothin’ about Rarity,” she muttered, eyes darting everywhere but Rainbow's face.

“Well it’s either that or your trees caught a new disease, ‘cause those are the only times I’ve seen you this nervous.”

Applejack crossed her arms and scowled. “Could be thinkin’ about the next big nasty I’ll have t’ put down.” Among the other complications that had come with bringing magic into the world, skyscraper-sized bugs from beyond space and time now had an unfortunate tendency to wander into the world. Due to what Applejack could only describe as "shenanigans," she was one of the best choices to take them down.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Please, you treat fighting giant monsters like you’re cleaning out a chicken coop. What’s up?”

Gritted teeth couldn't hold back her retort for long. “Maybe I just don’t wanna talk about it!”

Rainbow came up just short of headbutting Applejack, blue-glowing wingbow spread from the feathers on her neck to make up the height difference. “You’re my best friend, dumbass! I can’t help you feel better unless you tell me what to punch!”

Applejack thought about that as the echoes died down. “So you wanna punch Rarity?”

“It’s a metaphorical punch!”

A cleared throat got both of them to turn to an immense blue man glaring down at both of them. “Iron Will appreciates supportive friendships and metaphorical punches, but he’d appreciate it more if you two kept your passing drill going.”

“Yes, Coach,” they chorused. Only Iron Will could refer to Iron Will as “Iron Will.”

He nodded. “Iron Will also reminds you that the rest of the gym can hear you.”

That got winces from both of them as the rest of the class averted their eyes. Rainbow zipped off to retrieve their basketball. Applejack just wished she was allowed to wear her hat to gym so she could cover her face. “Thanks, Coach.”

Applejack’s social circle was like a well-stocked toolbox. She knew someone for everything under the sun… and that meant that calling in all of them was rarely the answer. Even among her closest friends, there were some who were poor fits for a given situation. Rarity, for obvious reasons. Pinkie, since this was a delicate matter and Applejack wasn’t willing to make the coin flip of Pinkie recognizing that. Twilight, since she and Rarity usually looked at one another like strange and fascinating aliens.

Getting Sunset involved, on the other hand, made the logistics a breeze. A word in her debatably divine ear was all it took for her, Rainbow, and Fluttershy to pop into Applejack’s room later that afternoon. Thankfully after a text message announced their arrival, unlike last time.

She began as soon as everyone was assembled and settled. “Alright, y’all. Rainbow twisted my arm at gym today, but I gotta admit I’m glad she did. Didn't wanna say nothin' because it's personal, but..." Applejack took a deep breath and kept pacing. "Well, Rarity’s invited me to her house on Sunday and I’m shook up like a long-tailed cat on a porch fulla rockin’ chairs.”

Rainbow nodded while sprawled out on Applejack's bed. “No kidding. You’re breaking out the big countryisms.”

“I’m not seeing the problem," Sunset said, leaning on the dresser. "You’ve been to her place before. We’ve had slumber parties there.”

“Course we have. Heck, Rares and I were havin’ playdates when we was in second grade." Applejack shook her head. "But this is different. This is the Big Game.”

Rainbow tensed and sat up. “Oh. Oh yeah.”

Going by the confusion on their faces, the others didn't make the connection or hear the capital letters. “What big game?” asked Fluttershy.

“Zerkers-Teamsters for the division.”

Sunset looked at Rainbow like she'd switched to a different language. Which really said something, considering that Sunset understood all languages these days. “Gesundheit?”

Rainbow returned the blank look. “The Whinnysota Berserkers versus the Green Hay Teamsters? Winner clinches the playoffs?”

Neither other girl showed any sign of understanding. Applejack began mentally revising her assessment of who she should have called for this situation. Aloud, she just said, “Football.”

“Okay?” said Sunset. Who, to be fair, was dating Twilight Sparkle, so it wasn't like she had to deal with these complications.

“Rarity’s dad was one of the biggest names in the game back in the day," Rainbow explained, flopping back onto the bed, "and now he’s a defensive— a coach. He used to play for the Zerkers.”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “Doesn’t that mean he’ll be at the game?”

Rainbow shook her head. “He’s coaching for the Emps.”

“Oh." Fluttershy winced. "Right.”

Sunset cleared her throat. “Still lost.”

“So did they,” Rainbow and Applejack chorused.

Before Sunset could ask further, Fluttershy spoke up. “Rarity likes to say that only three kinds of people root for the local sports teams: Hopeless optimists, generational fans, and masochists.”

“I don’t know sports, but I know Flash likes the local teams.” Sunset thought about that for a moment. “Okay, I see what she means.”

Fluttershy scrunched up her face as the conversation left what she'd picked up from Rarity's gossip. “So… you’re a Teamsters fan?”

Applejack flinched back like she'd been slapped. “What? Heck no! Them cheeseheads’ve been over-relyin’ on their quarterbacks for longer’n we’ve been alive! I root for Amareica’s Team.”

Rainbow snorted. “Yeah, how ‘bout them Wranglers?" she said flatly. "They just might go .500 on the year this time.”

That got her a glare that could peel paint. “Shut it, you. Point is, I’m still gonna be in the same room as Magnum ‘Hondo Flanks’ Belle. Who’s gonna learn that I’m courtin’ his li’l girl right there an’ then.”

“‘Hondo Flanks’?” Sunset echoed.

“Sports nicknames just happen," said Rainbow. "They don’t have to make sense. You should hear what they called me in middle school.”

Fluttershy frowned in further confusion. “Rarity never told him?”

Applejack sighed. “You know her. She wanted t’ wait for the ‘perfect moment.’ An’ she’s decided that that’s right as her pa watches the biggest nailbiter his team’s gonna have this season, which is sayin’ somethin’.”

The others' eyes turned back to Rainbow, who'd actually started to take this seriously. At the very least, she'd sat back up. “The Zerkers have had a bad habit of all of their games coming down to the wire this season. Plus, the Teamsters are their big historical rival.”

Sunset gave a hesitant nod. "So losing to them is like the Wondercolts losing to Crystal Prep?"

"No, sometimes they actually win, which gives the fans hope." Rainbow winced at memories of her own teams' flops. "Hope hurts."

"I can see why that would be very stressful," said Fluttershy, "but why would the two of you dating make him angrier?"

"It does feel like you're hyperfocusing on the worst case scenario here." Sunset gave the soft, fond grin she usually wore around Twilight. "I'm familiar with that kind of thing."

“Look, Rarity’s folks are barely here as it is. I don't wanna make that even worse. And, well…” Applejack trailed off, thinking about how to best phrase her next point.

“What?” said Sunset.

Applejack tugged at her ponytail. “Let’s just say Rarity comes by her dramatic streak honestly.”

“Yeah, true. That’s putting mildly.” Rainbow Dash had taken out her phone and pulled up a EweTube video for Fluttershy and Sunset. Going by the familiar voice faintly bellowing through the speaker, Applejack knew it was the same rage compilation she’d looked up earlier.

Sunset winced as a tablet met its untimely end. “Yikes.”

“And that’s what he was like before we put magic in the world." Rainbow tapped her forehead. "Now he’s got a headgem.”

Fluttershy paled. “You don’t think…”

Applejack shook her head. “He ain’t gonna hit nobody, but I still don’t wanna start an ugly shoutin’ match.”

Sunset nodded, still watching the video. “But you don’t really have an alternative.”

“Besides, you know, trusting Rarity’s dad to be cool about it.” Even through the phone speaker and his muffling distance from a microphone, enough of Mr. Belle’s shouted rant was intelligible for Rainbow to wince and pause the video. “I mean, it’s not like you dropped a game-winning interception.”

Applejack stewed in her thoughts for a few moments, then took a deep breath. “I suppose I just need someone t’ tell me I’m makin’ mountains outta molehills." She gave a sheepish grin. "An’ maybe gimme some pointers on how t’ handle meetin’ my girl’s parents once they find out she’s my girl.”

Sunset rubbed the back of her head. “Something tells me your experience with Rarity’s parents will be very different from mine with Twilight’s.”

“And you’ve known them for years anyway,” said Rainbow.

That got a shrug. “It feels different now.”

Fluttershy put a hand on Applejack's shoulder, offering a kind look that cut straight through all the horrors filling her head. “I know this seems big and scary, but Rainbow Dash is right. Sometimes you have to trust people.”

“Yeah..." Applejack nodded and tried again with more conviction. "Yeah." She slumped. "Don’t make it any less scary.”

“It doesn’t. But the important things usually are.”

One more breath, and Applejack nodded. “Thanks, girls. Really.”

Rainbow sprang off the mattress, clapping Applejack on her other shoulder. “Ready for game day?”

“As I’ll ever be.” It wasn’t much, but it was more than she had been.

Rarity’s house was in the capital-N Nice part of town. Canterlot barely had a wrong side of the tracks—the Crystal City suburbs did as a whole, more in towns like Griffonstone or Bloodstone—but it definitely had more affluent neighborhoods. Rarity called the top of the list home. The house models in Glitter Circle ranged from the kind of understated minimalism that cost twice as much as houses twice as big to sprawling monstrosities that couldn’t be called “gaudy” without missing a golden opportunity to use “ostentatious,” and the HOA made Crystal Prep look like a “peace, love, and understanding” commune.

The Belle residence was relatively understated given its neighbors. No spun-sugar futurist fantasy out of an architect’s fever dreams, no four-story declaration of “Look how much money I have!” It still had more balconies and flourishes than Applejack found tasteful, but it could have been a lot worse.

Worse structurally, anyway. She’d have gladly spent the day on her hands and knees cleaning the biggest house in Glitter Circle rather than set foot in that building today.

“Applejack, there you are! Come in, Dearest, it’s positively freezing out there!”

But her fate was sealed by that smile. That damn, gorgeous smile.

“Howdy, darlin’. I brung chips and dip.” Tortilla chips seemed like a wise offering. An unobjectionable one at minimum.

Rarity took the grocery bag and left a kiss on Applejack's cheek in return. “Oh, you’re a dear.”

Applejack couldn't help but grin like a fool at that. "So, uh, when're we—"

"I was thinking we'll let him know after the game is over. It will either be another piece of good news or soothe the sting."

"Uh, well—"

An insistent tug at her arm cut off Applejack before she could even figure out what to say to that. "Come along now. We’re all in the den."

She knew the way, but she was still happy to let Rarity lead her there, not least because it meant having her girlfriend hold her hand. It meant there'd be something happy to look back on when she actually got there.

Her first impression was purple. No, PURPLE. Twilight might have been able to hide in the room just by closing her eyes; Rarity’s hair was nearly lost. The football-splitting axe logo of the Berserkers was also present in abundance, but the entire room toed the far end of the rainbow and threatened to fall off. Given its sheer size, so did the wall-mounted TV.

Previous conversations with Rarity had taught Applejack that purple was a royal color, and seated in a cushioned, reclining throne was the king himself: Magnum “Hondo Flanks” Belle, wearing the palest purple in the room in one of his own old jerseys, his bushy mustache and signature straw hat brief respites from the gratuitous violets.

He beamed at her and lurched out of the chair. “Applejack! Good to see ya!” he said, the Midwestern accent that Rarity had buried under years of imitating old movies out in force.

“Always a pleasure, sir.” Since the world changed, Applejack had to be a bit careful when shaking hands to avoid hurting the other person. Now she felt like one errant squeeze would shatter her like glass.

Magnum frowned. It took Applejack a terrified moment to register it as concern. “Aw, what’s this ‘sir’ business? You don’t have ta be formal with me.”

“It’s yer day, sir," she said, dipping her head. "Yer team, yer house, yer big game.”

He waved that off. “And you’re my guest. Relax.”

“Yessir,” said Applejack, utterly failing to relax.

A crunch brought all eyes to Sweetie Belle. Between her hair and her own oversized jersey, she’d been doing a fine job of blending in until she’d gone for the popcorn. “Don’t mind me,” she said with a shameless smile. “It reduces the ripple effects.”

That got laughs out of the others, though Applejack had to hold hers back from outright hysteria. She flopped down on the couch between the two sisters and turned to the younger. “Guess if yer here, the game’ll go fine.” Having the embodiment of the future on hand was usually a good sign.

Sweetie shrugged. “Dad made me promise not to look. Not that I could tell given all the variables.”

“If we win, I wanna see how. If we lose, I don’t wanna know it." Magnum saluted the TV with a beer. "Either way, I’d rather be surprised.”

“Oh. Yup." Applejack gave a nod more wooden than her whole orchard. "I getcha, sir.”

Part of her wanted to relax. After all, she had her girlfriend next to her and a football game she could watch with one of the biggest names in the sport on one of the biggest screens she'd seen outside of a movie theater. And up through the pregame show with all its fluff on how magic had changed the league—not much; they'd been very quick to revise the rulebook—she could.

But then the Teamsters won the coin flip and started charging down the field virtually unopposed, and any sense of comfort and relaxation vanished. After one glance at Mr. Belle with his furrowed brow and white-on-white knuckle grip on the remote, Applejack just knew one wrong move, by her or the Berserkers, would have him railing against anything nearby. Especially the upstart who was taking his little girl away.

And from there it was easy to plot the course things would take. Shouting from both sides as neither Rarity nor her father would back down, a family torn apart, a talented man finally abandoning a doomed prospect so he could stop wasting his time in the bottom of the barrel, one of Apple Bloom's best friends moving away, the main funding stream for the boutique cut off, Rarity's dream in tatters as she signed some exploitative contract where some big firm would own all her ideas for the next thirty years, and the blame for all of it would rest on—

"Applejack?"

"Gah!" She flinched, as much from Rarity's hand on her shoulder as the voice in her ear, then tried to play it off the first way that came to mind: "Go team?"

Going by the looks she got, team was not, in fact, going. Checking the TV showed a beautiful throw from the Zerkers' quarterback for a touchdown.

Unfortunately, the man who'd run that touchdown was on the Teamsters.

Applejack cleared her throat. "Uh, sorry."

Rarity stood, looking at her father while tugging gently at Applejack's hand. "Excuse us for a moment?"

"Sure." Applejack could only hear the word as laced with suspicion, much as she felt Magnum's eyes at her back as she left the room.

Once they were in the Belles' spacious—and given that Sweetie lived here, oddly scorched—kitchen, Rarity whirled on Applejack, concern and exasperation warring in both eyes and tone. "Dearest, not to be insensitive, but what in the name of Harmony is wrong with you today? This was supposed to be a fun little bonding activity, not a torture session. You look like you're about to be drawn and quartered!"

Applejack bit her lip, eyes darting about the room. "I'm a mite nervous about yer pa, is all."

"Daddy? The only people who have to worry about him are offensive linemen and sports columnists. He practically loves you like a third daughter as it is."

"Rares, you brought me in on a make-or-break game for his team to tell him we're seein' each other." A referee's whistle echoed from the den, followed by irate shouting about the official's parentage and hobbies. Applejack winced. "You really think he's gonna take that well?"

Rarity patted her cheek. "Applejack. Dearest. Love of my life. I know my father. He's trusted me to make my own decisions for years now; he'd have never agreed to the boutique otherwise. If I tell him I've found love with one of my best friends, he isn't going to suddenly despise you."

"He can hate my guts fer all I care. It's you I'm worried about."

"Me? Why would you possibly be concerned that he would..." Rarity trailed off, eyes widening in dawning horror.

Applejack nodded. "Y' see what I mean. I say we oughtta—"

"It's not Daddy specifically."

That threw off her whole train of thought. "Huh?"

"It could be Mother. If you were dating someone else, it could be any of their parents." Rarity wrapped Applejack in a hug. A bit of moisture soaked into the flannel. "You're afraid a parent will leave forever. Again."

"I... That ain't exactly... It ain't like..."

Rarity said nothing, just holding Applejack and letting all her half-formed objections die on her tongue.

Finally, Applejack bowed her head and returned the embrace. "Family's important to me," she said softly. "'Specially when, fer all the aunts an' uncles an' cousins, I ain't got much left."

"Oh, Applejack. To think that this had been eating away at you this whole time." Rarity stepped back, headgem lit to bring in a tissue from another room so she could dab at her eyes. "Have you been worried about me since I proposed this little get-together?"

Applejack looked away, tugging at her ponytail "... Yeah."

"You fool. You beautiful, wonderful idiot."

She snapped her gaze back, scowling. "Hey now."

Rarity matched the expression, though she was facing the floor. "I'm talking about myself at least as much as you." Her head darted up as she jabbed a finger at Applejack. "You have to tell me these things, Dearest. I know I am exceptionally fortunate, and I can take any number of things for granted as a result. I never even considered how your past losses might make you dwell on something similarly terrible befalling me."

"I mean, ain't no reason you should. The girls were tellin' me I was playin' the fool."

"It's only foolish to those of us who haven't gone through what you have." Rarity leaned in for another kiss on the cheek. "It was very sweet of you, Applejack, and I do regret letting you stew in such worry for as long as you did. But believe me, it would take more than that to get Daddy to kick me out of his life."

Applejack frowned even as she rubbed her cheek. "An' he ain't gonna skip town?"

That got a look of blank confusion. "Pardon?"

"Ain't he stuck coachin' Crystal City just so y'all don't have to move?"

That got a series of incredulous noises out of Rarity. "Hardly. Given how often Daddy's out of the state, I've been doing more parenting for Sweetie Belle in recent years than Mother and him combined. No, he's been saddled with the Emperors because he's been very outspoken about about the sport's long-term injury risks. The league can't completely silence an icon like Hondo Flanks, but they can at least minimize his prominence by relegating him to the worst team in the league." With no small amount of pride, she added, "And they'd be even worse off without his defense."

"Ain't there at least three reasons why that's illegal?" Applejack said, recoiling from the news.

Rarity shrugged. "Yes, but it also gives him more time in the off-season to bang the drum about CTE, so in a twisted way, everyone's happy."

Applejack gagged. Hearing about this kind of institutional dishonesty literally made her sick. "Glad I don't gotta deal with that mess."

That got an understanding nod. “Believe me, dearest, there are few things in this world quite as rancid as the politics of professional football.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Rary.”

Both girls nearly jumped out of their skin to see Magnum standing in the doorway. “Father! Why are— Commercial?”

He nodded. “Commercial.”

“And how much of that did you hear?” said Rarity.

“Just the last bit." He nodded to Applejack. "Still wonderin’ why AJ’s so nervous. It’s not like you're meetin’ your girlfriend’s father for the first time.”

Both girls stood in stunned silence for several seconds, but the sheer relief welling in Applejack's chest soon had her cracking up, laughing until she fell to her knees and still going after that.

“What?” she heard Magnum say.

“You knew!?” Rarity cried.

“Oh, you two are real cute together, but you aren’t subtle. And you did tell me you were gonna marry her.”

“I was eight years old!”

That came just as Applejack was gathering herself, and nearly got her started all over again. “So…" she panted, "so I’m just yer girl on th’ side?”

Rarity turned an acidic glare on her. “Don’t you start. I said a lot of things when I was eight. I was going to be a fairy princess fashionista with a unicorn best friend and yes, saying that out loud, I realize how close it came to reality. You can put the eyebrow away, Applejack.”

"Didn't say nothin'," she said with a grin.

"Indeed, your expression spoke volumes." Rarity took a deep breath. "You know what? Fine. Fine. It's not the moment I was hoping for, but we can all at least sit in the same room and watch grown men mangle each other for a leather egg without anyone suffocating from awkwardness."

"Kept an eye on yer fantasy team while you two were talkin'," Magnum added with a grin. "Still doin' great there."

"Yes, thank you, Daddy." Rarity marched back into the den, and those who loved her followed, sharing a grin behind her back.

"Don't you two even dare to bond over this!"

"Too late!" said both.

With the air cleared, Applejack really was free to enjoy the game... for all of ten minutes. Her personal fears never reared their ugly heads again, but the referees certainly did.

Magnum had certainly lost any trace of the geniality he'd had in the kitchen. “What kinda rinky-dink, ticky-tack…”

"What even is holding?" Sweetie Belle asked as the referees called yet another penalty on the Zerkers.

The reflexive response slipped out before Applejack could think about it. "Whatever the fuck the refs say it is."

"You're fuckin' right!" cried Magnum.

Rarity rushed to cover Sweetie's ears. "Honestly, the both of you!"

"I've heard the F-word before, Rarity."

"Let your big sister have her fantasies of your continued innocence, dear."

Despite dubious penalties, self-defeating playcalling, and flagrant missed opportunities, the Berserkers still managed to keep the game close, but they never managed to take the lead. However, in the final seconds, the exhausted Teamsters offense gave them an interception and the best chance they'd had all game. At 21-20, a lightning-quick drive across the field in the last few seconds put the Zerkers in position to steal the game with a field goal.

The room went silent, the air thick with anticipation.

The snap was clean.

The kick was up.

And Sweetie bit back a groan.

Applejack had never had the strongest sense of technological empathy, not compared to what other earth aspects in her class could do. She couldn’t know when someone was calling her before her phone rang or sense the exact moment when the family truck needed an oil change. But in that moment, as the ball bounced off one of the uprights and its hollow thunk echoed in the heart of every Whinnysota fan, she could feel the television’s fear in her heart along with a desperate cry for help.

She looked at the screen, then back to Magnum, and thought back as apologetically as she could.

Sorry, Sugarcube. It ain’t my house.

And as the screen displayed the final score, one of the greatest defensive linemen of his generation launched himself out of his chair and into the screen, propelled as much by sheer rage as blue magic.

The next day, the Rainbooms' lunch table provided a rapt audience as Applejack retold the experience. As she reached that last tackle, Fluttershy covered her mouth. “Oh my.”

Rarity cleared her throat, gaze focused on her salad. “Yes, Well. Father has always had a somewhat... adversarial relationship with technology. I suspect he finds the crunching noises therapeutic.”

Twilight shuddered. “Remind me to never bring anything irreplaceable to your house.”

“I’m sure he’d be much more careful with your creations. You don’t have a sponsorship agreement with him to…" Rarity sighed. "Stress-test newer products. Apparently this is becoming something of a trend for unicorn aspects, if not always as dramatic.”

Applejack put her arm around her girlfriend. “I’m just glad he ain’t got a problem with us.”

“I still can’t believe you thought he would!" Rarity said even as she leaned into Applejack's shoulder, pouting up at her. "A relationship is all about communication, Dearest. If we can’t share our concerns with each other, then with whom?”

“Does that mean you’ll listen to me next time I tell you you look gorgeous when you feel like ten pounds o’ ugly in a five-pound bag?” Applejack said with a fond smile.

That got her poked in the ribs with a plastic fork. “I make no promises. Especially if that’s how you put it.”

And as was always the case after the most important day of a teenager's life; even a farmer, friend, hero, and Honesty herself; life went on.

(The Berserkers' playoff hopes did not.)

Author's Note

With both the Super Bowl and Valentine's Day on the horizon, this felt appropriate.

In addition to the linked prequel, see Pest Control for Applejack's occasional role as kaiju exterminator and Go, Emps! for just how bad the local sports teams really are.

Credit goes to EileenSaysHi and Estee for the idea of TV manufacturers using Rarity's father as a stress tester. I leave the question of whether calling Applejack a Cowboys fan is libel as an exercise for the reader.