Rainbow Dash is a Dinosaur

by Tyrannosaurus_Tux

Rating: everyone
Tags: Anon, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2229

Anon comes to a world-shattering realization. Rainbow Dash isn't quite sure she agrees that she's a... dinosaur.

There's a new guy. A bit weird. Calls himself "Anonymous", for some reason. Whatever, dude. A bit egg-headed, like my best friend Twi. They talk a lot about this or that. I can't really keep up with their nerd talk. Recently, they've been talking a lot about these things called "fossils". Rocks that used to be bones... or something. Legends about cool monsters that don't exist anymore tends to get lame when you start throwing around nerd words like "Holotypes" or "Taxonomy".

I'm a weather pony, not a paleontologist, paleobotanist, paleo... anything. I just hope Anon doesn't get any weird ideas in his head.

Published 2024-02-01 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-01 03:00:01 UTC

1 - Anon Gets a Weird Idea in his Head

I'm just minding my own business, walking down central Ponyville Boulevard when this ape-cousin thing calling himself "Anonymous" grabs me. He starts running.

"Dude!" I protested. "When'd you bathe last!?" He's laughing. Also smelly. This pale human has always got some feather-brained idea in his head, especially when he's been talking to Twilight. Guess I'm in for another one of his wild rides. I swear, I should rip that stupid green scarf thing off and fling it into a volcano. Or the bottom of the ocean.

Instead of releasing me like a cool guy, Anon instead keeps running with me down the street in his arms, as if I was a cat or something. He finally speaks up, already out of breath, "Rainbow Dash! Twilight and I came to an awesome realization! We've got proof and everything!"

This again. You're not fooling me, bucko. Time to enact my escape plan. My most daring and sure-fire plan. Daring Do would be proud. I call it, "Bite the human so he'll let go and I can fly away". I do exactly that, pinching the fabric of his black hoodie and the skin of his arm with my flat teeth. He yelps and lets go. The first order of business after that is to fly up to a conveniently placed cloud. I dove through it from below, then spun around in an epic fashion and planted my forehooves on the cloud.

Next, the dive-bomb emergency cleaning attack! With the sound of a rushing airplane, I seized the small raincloud and saw Anon rubbing his arm. He's not even trying to make this hard!

"Bombs away!" I shout as I release my poofy payload. The cloud, having sufficient velocity from my diving, slammed into the noisome man, drenching him in sweet, sweet precipitation. He was even swept off his feet as the cloud disintegrated! Score one for the winged ponies!

Now, instead of smelling like sweat, Anon smelled like rain. I love the smell of rain, I tell you. I bet Anon does, too, even if he's busy wiping the water from his eyes. His clothes dripped, too.

Maybe I went just a little overboard. I sighed, then subjected Anon to my classic move I used on Twilight Sparkle the first time she came to Ponyville. The Rain-Blow Dry. Flying in tight circles around him, I forced a vortex of air to very rapidly and very quickly reverse the effects of cloud dive-bombing. Anon stood in place, covering his face with his arms. The hoodie flapped, as did his sweats. Why Anon chose to wear human exercising clothes but never really seen exercising with them... I'll never know.

"Oh, the wages of sin," Anon said, as he got his bearings again. I was used to this sort of phrase. Anon thinks he's being dramatic, or poignant, or profound, or something. I can quote comic books too, mare. I roll my eyes.

Even so... "I'm sorry I drenched you, Anon," I apologized. "Let's... just go back to Twilight's place."

That seemed to put the spirit back into his stance. "Rainbow!" Anon shouted, arms wide, a big cheesy grin on his face. "I have something really important to tell you!"

I flapped down, and looked up at him, waiting for his latest bits of... news.

"You're a dinosaur!"

...

...

... I'm going to need Twilight to explain this one to me, in more plain terms. I flapped my wings, and took to the air, determined to get some answers. Anon can make his own way back.

It was a quick flight to Twilight's library. It wasn't enough time to even begin to understand what Anon was trying to say to me. That old tree had been through some rough scrapes... I should know. I've been scraping myself on it plenty of times. Heh.

I descended into a trotting walk and let myself in. Inside, I could see Twilight's tree-house, same as it ever was... but Twilight was being... extra Twilight today.

For instance, there was that dinosaur Nightmare Night costume she had on. Green with lime spikes, much like... the unamused dragon that sat around, looking bored of it all. He looked at me with emerald green eyes. It wasn't even a question those eyes asked.

'Please help.'

Don't you worry, little guy. Rainbow is on the case! Whatever those two were up to, I would get to the bottom of it! I hope.

Twilight was in her own little world, a world that existed a long time ago. She was marching around the table in the center of the library. Her tail waved to and fro and she was making... dinosaur sort of noises. "Mrrrs" and "Mrars" and even a few proper "Rawrs" were to be had. I sighed. She hadn't even noticed me enter her tree house. House tree. Whatever. This was really bad.

Those dino-nerds were up to something.

The little toothed dinosaur hood with button eyes and fabric teeth bounced up and down as Twilight marched in a circle. Her wings flapped.

"Twilight?" I finally braved to ask. "What the hay's going on here?"

Twilight finally opened her dark purple eyes, and they widened upon seeing me. I raised an eyebrow.

"Rainbow!" Twilight squeed loudly. "Anon and I have made a significant scientific discovery!"

I blinked. "The sort of discoveries that make you put on an old costume and march around the library?" I asked.

Twilight nodded wholeheartedly, causing the hood to fall off and onto her shoulders. Oh, boy. I walked in fully to the library and closed the door with a back hoof... only for Anon to burst in like a creep.

"I told Rainbow!" He shouted.

Twilight zipped up to Anon, somehow not breaking the sound barrier in the process. I had to dodge out of the way as Twilight looked up at Anon with a grin, and asked, "Well, what'd she say?"

As if I wasn't even here.

"Well..." Anon mused while he and Twilight looked at me. "Nothing. Just flew here."

I looked at Twilight with a pleading look in my eye. "Please explain, Twilight. I can't be a... dinosaur. I'm a pony. You said that dinosaurs are those old things you find in rocks, right?"

Twilight nodded all too enthusiastically. Don't hurt yourself there, mare. That's when I noticed it. Twilight had gone full conspiracy board again. lists of bones, piles of books... oh, Celestia's backside.

"Your wings, Rainbow!" Shouted Anon.

I looked at them, fluttering them. Did I have something stuck between my feathers? No... nothing. Still as blue and as awesome as always.

"What about them?" I asked, meeting Anon's somewhat crazed eyes. They were frighteningly becoming the norm.

Unable to contain his excitement, Anon gasped, and asked, "What are your wings related to?"

I blinked and then thought the strange question over in my head. I looked over my wings, inspecting the feathers and the underlying mass of muscles and bones. The first thing that came to mind was...

"Griffon wings?" It was a pretty good guess, right?

Anon yelped, obviously expecting me to guess it on the first try. But he was patient. Twilight joined in with a question of her own.

"And what do Griffon wings... resemble?"

I gave her a side-eye. Before I could even think to answer Twilight's question, Anon jumped in with a new one. Twilight, for effect, floated over Owlicious and spread his wings, as Twilight spread hers.

"As bat ponies have bat wings, pegasus ponies and griffons have...?"

I looked lamely at Anon. "Bird wings?" I asked, not expecting this sort of interrogation. Twilight and Anon both nodded happily like I did whenever Cider Season rolled around.

Cider sounds pretty good right now.

Twilight leaned in close to me, and I got a good noseful of the dust coming off her costume. When was the last time you washed it, mare?

She asked, "And what are birds, Rainbow?"

I looked to the side. There was this one urban legend that the foals are often talking about. Maybe she's talking about...

"Spies made by Celestia to make sure we brush our teeth and go to bed on time?"

That finally started to kill the enthusiasm that Anon and Twilight had. Apparently, this was not the case.

"N-No," stammered Anon.

Twilight could not help but shout, "They're dinosaurs!"

Okay, that explains everything. Oh no, wait. No, it didn't. I'm still lost. How are birds dinosaurs? Aren't they... all gone, or something? Gone so long that their bones turned to stone?

"Twilight..." I said, trying to find good words. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... birds aren't dead. I'm not dead."

Anon poked me in the side. "Hypothesis confirmed, Twilight!"

Hardy, har.

Twilight giggled behind a droopy costumed hoof. She then said, "Please, Anon. It's a fairly recent connection that's been made, but dinosaurs are now thought to be an ancestor to birds. Many fossilized remains have been found which contain feathers, which means now that birds are dinosaurs!"

Well, you learn something new every day, I guess. More pieces were starting to come into place, too. I looked at my wings again.

"You think I'm a dinosaur because I have... bird wings?"

Both Anon and Twilight cheered loudly as if they just opened Hearth's Warming gifts.

"And not just you, Rainbow!" Anon screeched, almost hysterical.

Twilight continued, bouncing on her hooves, flapping the costume's cotton toe claws, "Because, if you remember your Pony Tribe classes, we are all part-pegasi, even if a little bit, so we're all dinosaurs!"

Twilight reared up triumphantly, and waved her front hooves, giving off a distressingly-cute roar.

I then looked at Spike. He gave me a little wave. He looked just about asleep sitting there. He shook his head. "Nope. Not a dinosaur," he clarified. "Just a dragon."

"I mean..." I said. "Dragons are still pretty cool. They can fly. And breathe fire. And are alive."

"So are birds," reminded Twilight as she shoved the asleep dinosaur... owl in my face. It smelled of owl. Don't ask.

I gently push Owlicious away with a hoof before telling the excited pair of nerds, "Yeah, yeah. I'm a dinosaur. Pony. I guess."

Anon and Twilight clapped their hands and hooves together. Ugh. Just kiss already, you weirdos. I look at Anon.

"Are you a dinosaur, Anon?"

He rubbed a hand under his chin, over a scarf. "No, I don't think so," he decided. "I'm mammalian, which is a different family to dinosaurs."

I gave Anon two stink eyes. "Anon?" I asked.

"Yeah?" nervously replied Anon with a smile.

Even I knew that, "Ponies are mammals, dude."

A very tired Spike yawned. "Don't get them started," he warned.

Could've heard that a little bit earlier, little guy. I'm in too deep now, though. Like 'Daring Do and the Infinite Bouncing Ball Pit'. Mare, that was a weird read. Like Daring was writing more about childhood trauma than a real adventure... I shook my head.

"Alright!" I shouted, irritation showing in my voice. I sighed. I looked at Anon. "Look, I don't think ponies are dinosaurs. If they were, we'd have... sharp teeth. And spikes. And scales. And stuff."

Anon drew in a breath to speak, but it was Twilight who spoke up, explaining, "There were many more herbivorous dinosaurs than carnivorous ones, Rainbow Dash."

Anon blinked. "There is a growing number of known omnivorous dinosaurs, though."

I rolled my eyes. Of course there were. "So," I teased with a smirk. "Have you submitted your academic papers yet?"

Twilight showed me a smirk of her own. "As a matter of fact..."

No.

"We did. We co-wrote a paper with our hypothesis and supporting evidence. They wouldn't dare not publish a scholarly article written by a student of a Princess... who's a Princess!"

Anon patted Twilight on the shoulder. "Congratulations again, by the way."

Twilight batted Anon with a swish of her dinosaurian tail. "Oh, you," she teased. "Your name is also on the paper."

"As a helper!" Anon protested.

I reared up and shouted what everypony was thinking, hooves to my mouth. "Just kiss already!"

That got a blush out of both of them. "I'm gonna sell some tickets or something," I announced. "I get the feeling I'm about to watch a huge nerd fight on your lawn. It's gonna be great."

That finally got a tired smile out of Spike. Now it was Twilight's turn to roll her eyes. "There's not gonna be a nerd fight on my lawn. They'll send their letters and their articles, but I think I've presented my case for our dinosaur lineage fairly well."

Oh, Twilight. If only you knew. There was a not-significant crowd the next month. Picket signs and everything. A Pro-Dinosaur Pony crowd and an Anti. They were as foppish as they were eager for blood. Hah! I wish Gilda could've seen it.

It was great. I'm glad Pinkie Pie brought some popcorn. We had the best seats in the house... behind the cover of a thatched roof on the home next door.

Y'know... maybe Twilight had a point.

Author's Note

I've finally solved it! After a near decade and a half, I finally understand why boys like My Little Ponies!

It's because they're actually dinosaurs! Who knew, right?