Beware The Cuddler

by sykko

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2450

Equestria's most wanted criminal, The Cuddler, is on the loose!

The Cuddler is on the loose!

He is wanted for such crimes as head pats, ear scritches, mane and coat brushing, back scratches...and the worst of all, belly rubs!

Princess Celestia has put one million bit bounty for information that leads to the apprehension of The Cuddler.

Published 2024-02-01 06:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-01 06:40:01 UTC

Beware The Cuddler!

The Mane Six enter the sleepy little town of Hoofton after receiving a letter from Princess Celestia that the most wanted individual, The Cuddler, has been spotted in the area.

"Alright girls, spread out and look for signs that The Cuddler has been here.", Twilight says. "Look for mares, stallions, fillies and colts who seem unusually relaxed or giddy. You can identify his victims by their freshly brushes manes and coats, rub marks on their tummies and scritch marks around their ears."

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack quickly popped the lavender unicorn a quick salute before splitting up and going in different directions through the towns

***

Applejack was comforting an upset shop owner. "Jus' tell me what ya saw."

The shop owner let out a few sniffles and wiped his nose before he told his story. "It was a slow day, so I decided to close up shop and go home early to surprise my wife. That's when--that's when--" He broke down into blubbering sobs.

"It's okay, pardner.", the farm mare said as she gently stroked a hoof down his back. "Jus' take yer time an' tell me what ya saw an' heard."

The shop owner took a few breaths, swallowed hard and nodded. "When I came home, I called out for my wife, Crystal Vase(pronounced Vahs). That's when I heard some moaning coming from the bedroom. When I burst in the room, that's when I saw him. A big green flat-face monkey, looming over my wife as she lay on the bed! He had in one paw a brush that he was stroking down her side while his other paw was rubbing her belly, chest floof and chin!" He took a breath to calm his temper. "When I shouted out 'What's going on here!', he turned to face me and reached out a paw towards me! I turned and galloped out of there as fast as my hooves could carry me!" He let out a keening wail. "Oh dear sweet Celestia! I ran and let my poor, poor wife in his vile clutches!" He buried his face in his hooves and wept bitterly. "I'm such a coward!"

Applejack shushed the shop owner as she stroked his back with a hoof. Once he calmed down, she spoke. "Can ya take me to yer house an' show me where ya saw Th' Cuddler?"

***

Rarity was standing next to a couple of stalls as she gathered facts about The Cuddler(more likely looking for saucy gossip). She was talking to a pair of earth pony mares, Daisy Chain and Flower Crown, about The Cuddler "attack". "So, darlings, tell me what you saw. And don't leave out any details." She levitated a pencil and pad to write down every saucy detail.

"Ugh! What a vulgar display! Right there in the middle of the town square!", Flower Crown said. "Me and Daisy Chain were hauling our carts to go to the market district when we saw him! Ugh!"

Daisy Chain picked up where her friend left off. "Ugh! It was so vulgar! That flat-faced green monkey was doing such vile things to a pair of foals! Foals for Celestia's sake! He had those wiggly bits that had what looked like little hooves on the end, and he was scratching them up and down their backs. Ugh!"

Flower Crown picked up the story again. "Me and Daisy shrugged off our carts and charged him. That's when he reached out with a wiggly bit at the ends of both of his paws and poked us on our snouts! He even said 'Boop the snoot!'. It felt kind of good, but well...I have now words and I don't remember much as suddenly there was this pleasant scratching sensation at the base of my ears I've never felt before."

Both mares sighed as they stroked at their ears with their hooves, then stopped and looked at their hooves with disappointment. "It's just not the same.", they both said in a dejected tone.

Rarity fanned her face with a hoof. "Oh my word!"

***

Fluttershy sat on the floor of the classroom in the schoolhouse as she listened to the foal and schoolmarm tell their story.

"It was a normal day. I was teaching the foals about how pegasi weather teams bring in clouds or the different weather."

"It was super boring!", a foal spoke up, which elicited a chorus of giggles from the other foals.

The schoolmarm shushed the foals before continuing the story. "Then this big green flat-faced monkey just walked in! Then he said, 'Oops! Wrong building.' Seeing this big creature nopony has ever seen before, I charge him because the safety of the foals comes first." She paused and swallows hard. "That's when he reaches a paw out. I freeze thinking that I'm about to see the Elysian Fields. He starts scratching my neck, then he moves to scratching my ears and chin. It was like nothing I had ever felt before!' She closes her eyes, remembering the sensation. "That's when he moved on to the foals, scratching their heads and necks! Robbing their bellies! He even poked some of their snouts while saying 'Boop!'"

Fluttershy's cheeks turned red. "Oh my!"

***

Rainbow Dash sat on a cloud talking with the local pegasi weather teams. "I hear that ya had a run-in with The Cuddler. What happened?"

A pegasus stallion with a black coat and bright green mane was the first to speak up. "I was flying over town when I saw that biggreen monkey. So I decided to swoop down, knock him to the ground, tie him up and collect that one million bit reward. He turned and wrapped his forelimbs around me, giving me a hug I had never experienced before. I'm a big stallion-y stallion and can appreciate a good hug. Right fellas?" The other pegasus stallions nodded and gave affirmative grunts. "After he hugged me, he started scratching my sides and back. That's when everything went blank."

Another pegasus stallion with a bright green coat and a black mane spoke up. "I saw that big green monkey attacking my brother, so I swooped down to confront him. That's when my mind went blank as there was the scratching sensation on my ears."

The other members of the Hoofton weather team told similar stories Rainbow Dash sat listening to them as her wings flared.

***

Twilight was trotting down the street towards an alleyway after receiving a hot tip about The Cuddler. Reaching the entrance to the alley, she stopped suddenly. There laying on the ground was Pinkie Pie laying in her back. All four legs were sticking up in the air and her eyes were partially rolled up in her head as her tongue lolled out of her mouth.

Twilight ran over to her friend. "Pinkie! What happened?!"

"Belly rubs! Chin scritches! Floof scratches!", was all the pink party mare could say.

Twilight put on a stern face. The Cuddler had just struck and that meant he was close. Taking a moment to examine her surroundings, she noticed some odd prints in the dirt. They weren't the U-shaped prints of a pony's hoof, they were odd oval-shaped prints, they were fresh and they were heading into the alleyway.

Twilight steeled herself, lit her horn in preparation to blast anything that came at her and walked into the alleyway. As she cautiously walked into the alleyway, she took note of the long, dark shadows that could hide almost anything. With her ears twitching back and forth, she panned her head from side-to-side. She passed a dumpster and a green hand reached out of the shadows for her ear.

***

Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy returned to the camp they had set up just outside the city limits of Hoofton. They were preparing to settle down for the evening and start their search for The Cuddler anew in the morning. The four mares stopped when they heard some cooing moans coming from Twilight's tent.

"What in th' world?", was all the farm mare could say.

"Maybe Twilight found some handsome stallion for company?", the fashionista said.

"Oh my!", was all the animal lover could say.

"Nah! Twilight ain't into mares or stallions.", the athletic mare with the blue coat and multispectral mane said.

There was a familiar bubbly giggle that came from Twilight's tent. "Hee-hee-hee! That tickle-wickles! Keep going!"

Suddenly there was a loud moan coming from Twilight's tent and a deep, masculine voice said, "Goodness me. Your back is full of knots. Do you slump a lot?"

All four mares stared at Twilight's tent for a quick moment.

"Uh, girls...do ya think Th' Cuddler is in Twi's tent?", Applejack asked.

"Only one way to find out!", Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She zipped over to Twilight's tent and threw open the flap. "Sweet Celestia! The Cuddler's attacking Twilight and Pinkie!"

Anon, who had been giving Twilight a back massage while occasionally scratching Pinkies belly, looked over his shoulder and raised his hands. "This isn't what it looks like! I was just--yah!" A blue field surrounded his body, yanked him out of the tent and pinned him to the ground. "I was doing nothing wro--"

"Silence, cretin!", Rarity shouted as she stamped a hoof near The Cuddler's head.

Applejack pulled out her rope and started tying him up. "We git ya now, ya no good varmint! Yer goin' away fer a long time, Cuddler!"

"I'm too pretty for--mmph!" Anon's words were cut off as a bandanna was tied around his mouth, making a gag.

"Twilight, Pinkie, darlings! Are you two okay? That had to be such an ordeal!", Rarity exclaimed as she ran over to the tent to check on her friends.

"He didn't hurt me any!. Pinkie said. "When he rubbed my belly, it felt gooooooooood!"

"And that knot in my wither, it was loosening up.", Twilight replied "His wiggly bits on his paws can do things a hoof can't."

"Well he's going away for a long time.", Rainbow said.

"Ah'll go inta town an' see if'n Ah c'n borrow a wagon. Shy, Dash you two keep an eye on him, Rares, ya make sure Twi an' Pinkie are alright. Ah'll be back in an hour."

Author's Note

I found the cover picture by chance on a Google search and it made me chuckle a little. Then I got inspiration to write this story.

I hope it gives you a chuckle too.

There'll be a chapter 2 for this story.

The Cuddler is captured! Hooray?

For several days Anon lay in the back of an uncomfortable wagon. When they reached a train station, he was unceremoniously dumped into a luggage car and tied to a luggage rack. Twice a day ponies would come in and give him food, mostly apples or carrots. Every couple of hours they would bring him water in what looked like big versions of the water tubes for hamster cages.

***

For two weeks Anon had laid hog tied in the luggage cart. Once the train reached Canterlot, he was handed(hoofed?) over to the royal guard. The six mares who had caught him got to split the reward.

Anon grunted as he was deposited on a plush red rug in a long room. Along the walls were tall fluted pillars. The winds were stained glass depicting different ponies beating different enemies. He knew this room well.

Anon ran his eyes along the red carpet. His eyes followed the red rug up to a raised dais. On top of the dais was a throne, sitting on the throne was a white mare with a pastel rainbow-colored mane that blew on ethereal winds. She wore golden shoes, a golden ceremonial yoke with a violet gem in the center, and a golden tiara. Sitting to her right was a dark blue mare with a mane that looked like the night sky that also blew on ethereal winds. She wore vestment similar to the white one, only they were clack as onyx, and the ceremonial yoke had mother or pearl adornments in the center that depicted the phases of the moon in a stylized manner.

A golden aura surrounded the ropes and they were untied. Anon rubbed his wrists, glad to be free of the bonds.

"Anon...", the white mare spoke in a bell-like tone. "Did you think you could escape us and avoid capture?"

"Aye, indeed sister.", The dark blue one spoke. "Belly rubs, back scratches, floof scratches, chin rubs, ear scritches and snoot boops are reserved for royalty only. Thou hast caused much disruption and strain on our little ponies."

Anon lowered his head. "I'm sorry, princesses. It's just that ponies are so fluffy and snuggly and cute that I had to go out and give them as many of them scratches and scritches and pets as I could."

Celestia rose from her throne, walked down the dais and gently placed a hoof under Anon's chin, raising his head to look at her. "Anon, I know you oomyns have a compulsion to scratch and scritch and pet and boop all furry creatures. We cannot have you simply giving them out to the common ponies. It would cause riots as ponies would fight over who would be next to get their ears scritched or their bellies rubbed or their snoots booped."

Anon gave a small nod. "I understand, princess."

Celestia gave a small smile and walked back to her throne. "Come, Anon, my sister and I are in dire need of some belly rubs and ear scritches."

Anon rose to his feet and walked towards the two princesses.

***

For two weeks Anon gave the princesses ear scritches, chin scratches, floof scratches, back scratches, massages, belly rubs and snoots boops. The whole while he was planning another escape.

Today both princesses were busy and had not called on him. Anon was currently planting the seeds for his next escape. He was currently giving ear scritches to a small group of castle staff. "If you want more scritches, you will help me with my escape plan. It's not going to be today, but it will be soon enough."

"I know somepony down in Ponyville who can help you get out. Her name is Lyra Heartstrings. I'll talk to her when she comes to visit."

Anon smirked as he could see the pieces for his next escape were slowly moving into place. After all ear scritches, back scratches, chin scratched, floof scratches, massages and snoot boops were for everypony, not just a pair of princesses.

Author's Note

Aaand the story is finished.

I hope you all had a chuckle or two.