MAR 29 Sunday.

I focus as another number appears in the air in front of me to complete a spell matrix, I push more magic into it and watch as a small ball of light forms in front of me. I try my best to memorize the entire matrix and after the light vanishes I try to cast it again.

This time I try to rapidly form the entire matrix from memory in one go, in a few seconds the matrix forms but a few parts are wrong so I let it collapse and start again. This is the tedious process of relearning spells, over the past week I've officially advanced into a Journeypony.

The first spell I fully memorized was the Temporis spell and after that, I started relearning other simple spells. So far I've relearned the Heating spell, and the Firebolt spell, and now I'm working on the Light spell. I attempt to properly memorize the spell again by slowly forming it without my hooves.

I could just write down the matrix and study it until I memorized it, but doing it like this helps me train my magical control and my ability to form a matrix without drawing it by hoof, so while it is less efficient I prefer this method to others so far. I've been practicing this Light spell for a few hours now in between breaks.

Now that I can cast spells instantly I can use a part of magic that I haven't before, spell chanting. Using different words while casting a spell can improve the effects of a spell depending on the word and how you use it, this either slightly or massively improves your spells, but there are several downsides.

First, if you're using runic magic you probably won't use spell chants until you reach the Journeypony rank. This is because you have to chant the entire time you are casting a spell, for a Journeypony runic caster that could be a single word as they can cast a spell instantly.

But for an Apprentice runic caster, they'd have to chant the entire time they are drawing out a matrix and casting it, and that is a dangerous thing to do for a few reasons. The first problem with it is how you do spell chanting, you need to push your magic into your throat and words, and then clearly and correctly say a word, this adds to the magical cost of a spell.

And while using spell chants you have to be very careful how you go about it as one wrong word can go horribly. If I cast Firebolt and chant the word fire at the same time then the fire of the spell would be all around stronger. Or if I say burn then the spells fire would burn hotter.

But if I say either of those words incorrectly it can destabilize the entire spell and it could backfire on you. So if you're fighting someone and they throw a brick at you while you are chanting something bad is going to happen.

The words you say can also negatively affect the spell so if I say water while casting Firebolt that will also destabilize the spell, all words you chant need to have meaning to the spell you're using and work well with it.

On top of all of that, you need to make sure the words you're using have the right meaning, if you chant glacier with an ice spell you have to fully know what that word means in detail. And even further, you also need the chant to last the entire time you're casting, so if you're still an Apprentice runic caster then you need a long chant that lasts the entire time it takes to draw and cast the spell.

For all these reasons I and most others haven't used spell chanting, in the past as I thought it best to advance my rank first. I don't think I'll start using it until I fully stop using non-instant runic casting, and that means I'll just be relearning the spells I know for now.

While advancing set me back it feels so nice being able to cast a spell so fast without tiring out my forelimbs. Beyond my spell practice, I've gotten better at fighting with a greatsword and Stone said we'll be moving on from it in a few weeks, and that means I finally get to use both a dagger and greatsword at the same time.

But he did warn me that we'd be developing my own combat style by him fighting me. That just means I'll be mostly on my own to come up with ideas and see what works and what doesn't while getting my ass kicked at the same time, isn't that great?

I stand up and stretch out my body before looking over as Philomena teleports into my apartment with a letter in her beak. I trade her with some berries and open the letter, it's once again an invite to a meeting later today. It's still relatively early in the morning so I have plenty of time until the meeting.

This letter doesn't come as a surprise because it sends me a different letter with our meeting date and time every month or two. I keep the letter and spend a moment petting Philomena, who melts at the attention and scratches. Entropy sees this and can't let it stand so she flies down from her perch and tries to get my attention.

I just give both of them attention for a while before giving Entropy a few of her toys and walking away to do other things. My mood has improved a good amount over the past week and I'm doing a little better overall about the whole situation, but I'd still like to finish my project and start writing things down.

And that brings me to a problem I've been having. This project is basically complete and ready to go, but I still don't have a way to protect it and keep its contents safe. That is what I've been working on for a week now and I think I've come up with a decent but non-perfect solution.

I don't need to keep others out if there is nothing to access. The writing will be in English as a safeguard but the gem will also have a self-destruct to destroy itself if accessed by somepony that's not me. This is the best solution I could come up with that couldn't be easily defeated.

It's far from perfect and if it's ever activated then all the knowledge would be lost, but that's better than it falling into the wrong hands. I'll set up a password system and then activate the self-destruct if it's entered wrongly or if the gem is tampered with.

The way the gem will break is easy enough as all I need is to add a spell that is purposely wrong and activate it when needed. I take out the medium ruby I've been working with and start tinkering with the right type of spell to use in the wrong way.

I settled for something else and overcharged a Firebolt spell to form inside the gem, the resulting heat would crack the gem quickly and shatter it, rendering it useless. Next, I start on the password system, it's not hard to make something like this as it's just me filling in something the spell expects to be there, and if it's not then it activates a link to the firebolt spell, but I still have to get creative for a reason I'll touch on in a bit.

The next part is something a little more complicated and I need to be careful with how I implement it. I start making a scanning spell to detect anypony trying to tamper with the gem by using a rune of protection as its base and building on it with a rune of locking.

This is more complicated to make and I spend extra time making sure there are no mistakes in it. After three hours I'm done and I add the spell to the gem without activating it. Next, I link that into the same password along with the self-destruct and decide on what form the password should be in.

This brings me to a flaw and that's the fact that I can't prevent others from observing the enchantments enchanted in the ruby. And the password needs to be stored in those enchantments so the spell knows it, that's why I've made the password a bit unique.

It checks if the answer you give is correct but the entire spell is using human numbers and symbols for the math. It's filled with several false answers that are in English that mean nothing and do nothing in the spell, and unless they can translate it anypony trying to find the right one would basically have to guess the answer.

On top of that, the answer isn't even there because the real answer is formed from several parts of those fake passwords, this is the best solution I could come up with. The only concern left is somepony seeing the English numbers and letters, but if anypony besides me is seeing this then I already have bigger problems.

Once everything is done I test it a few times by putting in the correct password. There is a moment where I'm nervous I did something wrong and I'm about to see my work shatter, but it all works correctly and the enchantments activate. I turn it off again and put it away after seeing that it works.

I'm not going to write anything right now, I'll do it later. I place the gem on a shelf and leave my workroom, only to see something I never thought I would see. Apparently, Philomena decided to stick around and saw Entropy use her bird bath, and decided to try it.

I walk out to see a bird made of magical fire washing themselves in water. I'm worried about her safety for a moment, but she doesn't seem to mind and just keeps bathing in the water. Turns out her fire can't be put out by water even when she bathes in it.

I watch the strange sight and after a moment just sigh, my worry having left me after seeing that she's fine. I watch her just to make sure none of the enchantments do anything to her, but nothing happens. After she's done I start on lunch for me and both birds.

I'll have to ask Celestia if she knows why Philomena showed up and stayed here last time. Once the food is ready I give both of them a bowl and eat my sandwich while thinking through something. I'm still working through my feelings and could use some advice.

But I can't ask my friends, and that only leaves one pony I could ask, Celestia. Either as a human or a pony, I don't trust easily, even if I want to it takes time to earn my trust. And over the last year, I've come to trust Celestia much more, I'm still a little wary about talking to her about myself but I think I can trust her.

And while I don't want to talk about my real past with her, at least not now, I think I can still get some advice and counsel from her. I'm also worried about revealing too much to her, but I think I should at least somewhat talk to her about what I'm going through.

But I'm still unsure, after some thought I shake my head to force away those fears, but I don't ignore them. I just don't let them stop me. It's still two hours until our meeting so I start working on my runic spells while I wait. After an hour Philomena leaves and I start gathering my things to do the same.

It's been raining slightly today so I grab my cloak and saddlebags, along with my illusion bracelet and my necklace. Entropy merges into my shadow and we leave the apartment to walk through the streets. I take my bracelet and necklace off before entering the palace, It's the normal song and dance when we get there, and not long after I'm once again led into a room with Celestia waiting at a table with a pot of tea.

When I enter I drop any pretense about my mood and just let it show in my expression and body language. I don't bow and just sit down, I don't think either of us cares about me bowing and I just don't want to right now. Celestia immediately notices my low and less than enthusiastic mood. "Are you ok?" She asks with concern in her voice.

I just stare back as Entropy leaves my shadow and moves onto my back. "Do I look ok?" I say back with a little snark, but quickly realize that she doesn't deserve that. "Sorry, and no I'm not ok. But I would rather not talk about that first." I say with a less defensive tone and pass her a report on the B.L.P. spell.

She takes it and not even glancing at it moves it to the side before giving me her full attention, she gives me a comforting smile. "That's fine, I have a few things we can talk about first if you want?"

I down my entire cup of tea in one go before nodding. "Yes, please," I say, thankful she's willing to let me calm down and get more comfortable.

"I have letters for you, if you'd like to start there?" She moves seven letters onto the table. I stare at them for a moment and slowly nod before taking out my chess board and passing it to her, she silently takes it and starts setting up the game.

I look through the letters. Four invites to events, they are really being persistent, I just write polite rejections. Two letters about offers to work for different companies and what they are offering as an incentive, I have no interest in that and write a blunt and professional rejection to both.

The final letter is about- I stop reading it and look back up to Celestia with a tired expression, "Really? Why?" She's done setting up the game and is now looking through the report while I was going through the letters and looking at the letter I'm reading.

"You are fairly wealthy, and the recent inventions have been a massive success, especially the silence spell for foals." I look back down at the marriage contract and don't bother responding to it, that has got to be the oddest thing I've ever been sent before.

I pass her my replies and look down at the board to move my first piece. And decide to just go for it before I can convince myself to back out, "I've had an odd week, a few downs and a few ups." She looks back up at me after finishing her turn, giving me her full undivided attention. "You know me, I don't like dancing around things..... And I could use somepony to listen and offer advice."

I feel the weight on me lessen a little at saying that out loud, too late to turn back now. She just smiles slightly and nods, "That's the reason we have these meetings, what do you want to talk about?" I'm once again thankful that it's Celestia I'm talking to.

She said that all genuinely and without a hint of anything but kindness and understanding. I sigh, "I'll start with the bad stuff then, around a week ago I broke down. Full crying breakdown, it was not a good day." I drink all my tea again and she refills my cup.

"Turns out I've been holding a few things in too much and it all came out at once, the main thing being that I hide things from my friends. And before we go down that rabbit hole I'm not going to tell them about this part of my life, maybe one day but not now, and I don't think I'll talk about why either."

She gives me a sad but understanding look and nods. "That's fine, just say what you're willing."

I swallow thickly and continue, "Well I've been ignoring and pushing those thoughts down for a while now, and when it all came out I realized that I feared not being remembered for who I really was. You would know and remember but if anything ever happened to me they, they wouldn't."

By the time I finish speaking, my voice is a little hoarse and I start drinking more tea to help me keep calm. "After my breakdown I've been doing a bit better, I had a nice game night with friends and I've decided to do something about that fear." I move another piece and take a moment to collect my thoughts.

With a more steady voice, I continue. "You know me, I see a problem and I try to fix it. And if I left this fear alone I knew it would only get worse, but like I said I won't tell them about my life yet, so I decided to write everything down in case anything ever happened before I felt it was time to explain."

I deliberately don't mention how I'm storing all this writing as I'm not sure if I want to reveal that to others yet. Once I'm done she waits a moment before speaking, "Well I say with certainty I will always remember you, I promise that." She says that with so much conviction it's a little startling to me.

Hearing that once again lifts a small part of that weight off of me, even though I presumed she'd do that hearing it makes it feel more real. "And I can understand what you're going through. I would obviously suggest telling them, but that isn't my choice to make, it's yours, and yours alone."

She gives me a sad smile, "I've seen many ponies who work for me go through the same things, struggling with not being able to tell their family and friends about their work and how it went. It can be quite a weight for a pony to hold, especially for somepony so young." She says this without any insult, stating a fact to me that she's probably seen so many times.

"And many of them did the same thing as you, bottled it all up until it all came out at once. It's ok for that to happen, and you've done nothing wrong, just unknowingly followed the same path. But what's important now is how you move past this and how to deal with it from now on."

"And unlike many you've already started doing something productive instead of staying in that place like many others sadly do." She gets a slightly far-off look for a moment before refocusing on me. "A journal is something I recommend to anypony who has the same problem."

"It's a good place to start and beyond that, I recommend two other things. One, try your best to work through those feelings through some activity instead of just pushing them off to the side and ignoring them. Two, if you start feeling like that again, come to me and let me talk to you about it, even if it's a day we aren't scheduled to meet I'll make time."

I'm a little overwhelmed by all she said for a moment and spent some time thinking over it before answering. "I've tried to not ignore those feelings anymore but that will take time to get used to, but I also won't give up. And I promise to send a letter if it happens again." I say with complete seriousness.

She promised to never forget me, I should do the same, even if it's just in this way. "That's all I ask. Anything else you'd like to talk about?"

I smile a bit. I'm already feeling somewhat better having gotten all that off my chest and saying it out loud. "Well, I still have the good news I mentioned." I smile and spend a second concentrating, in roughly three seconds a full Temporis spell forms and is cast, showing the time.

I see a true smile spread across her face and feel my own smile grow at the sight, I rather not end our meeting on a sad note. "Amazingly done, congratulations on the advancement." She says in a happy tone while clapping lightly with her hooves.

"Thanks, I thought it would be nice to end this on a more positive note." Seeing the time I know our meeting will end in a few minutes. "And thank you for listening, it means a lot to me," I say with a serious tone, and I mean that.

She nods, "Always. We can talk longer if you want?"

"No, I have many things I'd like to write down and work through by myself." I turn her offer down and smile while looking at the board, for a moment I can't believe what I'm looking at but smile at the sight. "Also, checkmate."

She looks confused for a moment before looking down at the board and laughing at it. Through some mix of her focusing on me more than the game and some weird form of luck, I've finally won my first game against her. "Don't worry this one doesn't count, if I'm going to beat you I'll do it properly." I challenge her.

She smiles back at me, "I'm looking forward to it. Have a good day Shade, and remember, you are not alone."

I nod. "I will Celestia, and same to you." After that, I stand up and Entropy returns to my shadow, I start packing up the chess game before stopping as a thought strikes me, "Actually I do have one more question." She looks back at me and nods, "Philomena's shown up at my home before with nothing to deliver, did she not bring something?"

She looks confused before shaking her head, "I haven't sent you anything beyond the letters, seems she's really taken a liking to you." She seems to think for a moment before pulling a piece of paper from somewhere along with a quill and writes something down on it.

She holds out the piece of paper to me. "Here, it's some instructions on how to take care of her properly, they should help when she visits, and also don't have grapes within sight around her." That last part is said with complete seriousness and that just confuses me.

"Why?" She doesn't answer and just smiles playfully. "Fine, I guess I'll just have to test it." She smiles wider, or maybe I shouldn't test it. I shake my head and take the piece of paper before putting it in my saddlebags as a guard walks me out of the palace. After I'm outside I find the nearest restroom and have Entropy take me home.

Once we arrive I feed Entropy and sit down in my bed with the medium ruby, I sit there staring blankly at the first illusionary page for several minutes before I move my hoof and start writing.

Hello if you're reading this then something has either gone horribly wrong, or I'm dead. My name is Shade Evergreen, and my name is also Kevin Leery Forester. And I have a story to tell you, my story, and I'm so sorry.

Author's Note

200k...... YES!! LETS GO!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

I can not believe I have made it this far.

First I'd just like to thank everybody who's helped me with this story, from the smallest grammar correction to all the advice, I wouldn't have gotten this far without it and I'm very grateful.

I'd also like to say thank you for reading my first story, and one that I've loved making.

And lastly, I'd like to explain something. When I started this I had no plans or ideas on how far I'd go, I had an idea that wouldn't leave me alone and the will to say fuck it and try to write anyway.

I've never written anything before this and I was massively out of my depth when I started, hell I didn't even take notes on names and other important things until I forgot something important twenty chapters in.

And now I'd like to think I've grown a lot and I'm not complete shit at writing anymore, but I still have a long way to go.

This is all to say if you're ever thinking about writing, go for it, if it sucks so be it, but at least you tried and finally got that idea out of your head, rent paid in full.

But that's enough of my rambling, if you have any questions feel free to ask them and thanks as always for reading, have a lovely day. :D

PS, any names for the new illusion pages?