This title is just to piss off Filler
That's Right
by PonyWriteMan
With the break of dawn came the rustle of wings against his chest. The feathers tickled his nose, and he laughed himself out of a sneeze, waking her. She twitched, turned onto her front and looked to him; they would share deeply of this moment.
"Good morning, Mister Cadenza," she said, sleep softening her voice.
"Good morning, Missus Armor," he replied, unable to restrain the mischievous smile that broke the solemnity of their first day together.
With a soft laugh, she leaned forward and kissed him, one lock of yellow mane falling onto the pillow.
"It's been such a struggle," he said softly, "but finally we're together. Forever."
"Yes." She closed her eyes and nuzzled him, murmuring, "Last night was truly incredible. It was everything I'd hoped for; I want you to know that."
Last night... It had been the catharsis after all the emotional and physical turmoil of the month previous, the time around which they suspected Cadance had been replaced by the changeling queen. The threats to Canterlot, the pre-wedding stress, his exploding at Twily: it had all been so taxing, more than anypony could have anticipated. The release of post-marital bliss was just what they had both needed.
And it had been great. Fantastic, even.
Shining Armor's eyes lit up.
"That's right," he said, to nopony in particular, his voice husky. "It was incredible!"
He stood on the mattress, the sheet falling off of him, as his new wife blinked upward in confusion.
"It was so fucking incredible, in fact, that I have to tell the whole goddamn world! Get my boombox!"
"Shining, what..."
Cadance's plea fell on deaf ears as Shining Armor leapt from the bed, through the stained-glass bedroom window, somersaulted in midair and stuck a three-point landing on the pavement below.
"Citizens of Canterlot!" he cried, attracting the attention of everypony nearby. From the bedroom window, a second crash occurred, and a black radio with massive speakers landed beside him.
"I just had sex with a Princess!" Shining announced. "And it was great!"
The boombox spontaneously began pumping phat beats. Shining spun around on one hoof and moonwalked as he narrated.
"She was a virgin. Can you believe it? A virgin alicorn princess! You have no idea how tight that ass was! Mmm..."
He closed his eyes, remembering that ass. That ass! A pair of shades descended from the heavens onto his nose. The phat beats changed ever so slightly. Cadance had flown down after the boombox, to find out what in the blue flying hell was going on, and he grabbed her with his magic and spun her around so her butt was in his facial area. He took a deep breath, and yelled at the booty.
"DAT ASS!"
"Shining!" She wriggled free of his magical grip. "Have you suddenly lost all your senses?"
Shining Armor stood on his hind legs, put his forehooves on his hips, and began to dance sideways down the street.
"That's right!" he shouted. "I tapped the hell out of that!"
He shuffled past a group of ponies, who said, "You get a piece of that whenever you want now, right?"
"That's right!"
He shuffled past two stallions at a vendor stall.
"Horsepads!" shouted the purple unicorn. "Get your horsepads here, fifteen bits!"
Shining Armor put his face close to the unicorn's and sneered. "I don't need your goddamn horsepads." Then he flipped the table.
"Also, Soarin is worst pony."
The vendors stared in blank surprise. "What he dong," asked the grey pegasus standing next to the purple unicorn. Then Soarin turned into a crying pony because nopony loved him.
"Yes, yes," cried Shining Armor, as he switched stances and twirled an invisible lasso over his head, "this is one lucky goddamn stallion that you are looking at right here!"
The next pony he came across was the Great and Powerful Trixie.
"There is no way that pathetic princess's plot could surpass the pert and prim patootie of the Great and Powerful Trixie," she boasted.
Shining Armor gritted his teeth in a grimace. "No, I'm pretty sure it could."
Trixie was taken aback. "Are you saying that Trixie does not have the most fabulous ass in all of Canterlot?"
"That's right." Shining nodded. "Her ass is even better that my little sister Tara's!"
Trixie got all indignant on him. "You can bite Trixie's shiny metal ass, then! Forget you, and forget Canterlot! Trixie will make her own Canterlot, with blackjack and hookers! Why is Trixie even saying these things?" Trixie had no idea why she was saying those things, so she left.
More ponies came by and one's head was spinning around. Like, around around, all over the place, from every imaginable angle all at once. What the fuck?
"Hey, how was that sex?" the spinhead pony asked.
"It was great!" shouted Shining Armor. "Best sex in my life! And you should probably get that looked at, kiddo!"
"Ahem!" ahem'd Cadance. "Are you saying you had sex before? I thought we had been saving ourselves for marriage."
The music stopped and the sunglasses disappeared. Shining Armor felt awkward, on the spot, all eyes on him as he cleared his throat. Somewhere, Snips was standing in front of a pony named Sara, and no one knew why.
"Well." It was a statement. "Ya see, sweetie, I was saving myself for marriage, only after I met you. Before that, however, everything was fair game." He polished his hoof on his chest.
Cadance narrowed her eyes. "So you're saying you've been around the bush a few times, is that it?"
Shining Armor whipped out a new pair of shades and plopped them onto his nose.
"That's right," he said.
Suddenly, the radio crackered. It was nervous.
"Shining, are you there? It's me, Spike. Your sister was sleeping in the closet, but then she came out and now she won't leave me alone. Shining Armor, can you hear me? Hel--" The voice was consumed in static and Apple Bloom didn't do nothin'.
Then another pair of shades descended from the heavens onto Shining's previous pair, and he sneered.
"Deal with it."
Shining crossed his forehooves together in front of him and began galloping in place on his hind legs. Vinyl Scratch descended from the heavens after that second pair of shades and started dropping phat beats the moment she touched earth, turning Canterlot into a completely wubtastic town. Also, she kind of looks like Shining Armor; maybe they're related. I'll bet Tara's adopted.
The music was so loud it filled all of Equestria, and in one cloud house in one small town, a rainbow-maned pegasus mumbled to herself as she tried unsuccessfully to block out those awesome wubs.
"Op... Op-op..." said the wafting music.
"But I'm not OP!" she protested. "They took my combos!"
"Op-op-op..."
"I can't even walk! I've got like, one animation frame for flying! I'm not OP!"
She tossed and turned in her bed.
"It's just not fair! They even nerfed Twilight's diagonal fireball! I should be best pony!" She sniffed. "My precious combos..."
"Op... Op-op..."
She sighed and grumbled.
"At least I'm not Soarin."
