Finally, my unbelievably awesome plan is nearing completion! And it’s not even near recess yet!
I have all my dominoes neatly stacked in a row, now all it will take is one little push from yours truly them all to come toppling down in a chaotic demonstration of pure lust.
The only surviving edifice left standing in the resulting carnage will be a single multi-layered wedding cake, with an incredibly lifelike sugar-carving of me and my beloved atop peering down contemptuously on those worthless idiots who used to mock me for ‘getting ideas above my station’ and ‘letting my imagination’ run away with me.
Fools! Don’t they realise the many hours I ‘wasted’ playing those innocent dating simulations were a mere front for my true motivation; learning all the tricks of the trade in sexy seduction and wild romance so I could sweep the Mare Of My Dreams off her hooves?
Yes, whoever-has-been-unlucky-or-foolish-enough-to-find-my-super-secret-plans-and-will-shortly-be-dead. I did quite clearly state ‘mare’ for the record. Inexperienced fillies just don’t ‘get’ a sophisticated, debonair, heartthrob like me… besides, what are my relationship options in this obscure little backwater town whereupon I currently reside?
Let’s have a little sneak preview, shall we? Those three perpetual troublemakers who started up that dumb club about ‘discovering your Cutie Marks’? That stuck-up tycoon’s daughter who never has a nice word to say about anypony, and won’t take off her crown for a single second? That weird purplish girl who always wears her mane in bunches, and can lift up an entire building all by hersel…
Erm, better not say anything bad about her, actually. Even in this for-my-eyes-only journal. I get the impression she could beat the absolute tar out of me, and I want to look my best for when I go and claim my supreme prize first thing in the morning e.g Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Forever Love, Devotion & Indebted Servitude…
Oh, blast it all… the secret’s out, the pussycat’s out of the bag and my full sordid scheme is fully on display for everypony to see. Happy, now?
Yes, it’s true… I have the incurable hots for a Princess who not only is roughly just two years younger than my actual mother, but will live to such an advanced age that I’ll be withered and gone before she even develops a solitary wrinkle.
A lot of self-respecting stallions would be put off by the notion of going steady with royalty who not only has the potential to thoroughly emasculate them with one wave of their mighty horn (ouch) but will have to contend with the fact that their entire sorry lifespan will be but a minor blip in the everlasting reign of this eternally gorgeous creature.
Not me, though. I’d never want to be with any other lady; my tender youth is a sacrifice I’m more than willing to make. Very generous of me, I’m sure you agree… but I guess that’s just the kind of guy I am. One never knows how truly humble they are, until they’re put to the test I suppose.
Ever since I saw her majestically soaring through the sky like a graceful angel of death whilst battling Tirek, and witnessing firsthoof the sheer power that emanated from her horn as she ZAPPED! POWED! FRAZZLED! the supposedly strongest baddie in Equestria into humiliating submission, I knew they’d never be another.
Who needs computerised shoot ‘em ups and pixelated battle simulations after seeing that glorious, real-life display of unparalleled dynamism and destruction from the new Love Of My Life?
I felt like going home and tossing my precious console straight in the trash after that, but my mum would probably get upset if she found out after she ‘spent so many bits on it’ for my birthday last year, so I got to contemplating instead…
All the other Princesses have a reassuring presence in their lives to keep them company; Celestia has Luna and vice versa, Cadence has Twilight’s brother, Flurry Heart has two parents who utterly worship the ground she flies over (unlike me, my dad galloped off with a glamorous cocktail waitress shortly after I was born; he sends us a postcard around Hearth’s Warming time every year though, so that’s nice).
Who has Twilight got? All her best friends now live far away in Ponyville, and the only constant companion in her life is that snarky dragon who doesn’t even respect her enough to bow every time she enters a room, or kiss her hooves whenever she seats her perfect tush next to him on the Canterlot throne.
If I was lucky enough to be in his claws, I’d do all that and then some. I’d compliment her every time I opened my mouth. I’d give her my entire packet of gumballs while I went hungry. I’d make a giant effigy out of mud of her, with the biggest, strongest branch I could find in place of her horn, the inside padding of my bedspread for her feathery wings, and…
Oops sorry, I did that last one already. It was up for less than a day though, as soon as my mother found me practising my best full-tongue kisses on it in my bedroom (don’t parents EVER knock?) she made me melt it with the garden hose in the backyard. I don’t know what her problem was… it was completely dry, there were only a few earthworms crawling about inside her muzzle and I’d only used a smidge of her best lipstick in its creation.
Anyway, apparently I’m ‘grounded for life’ or something, and first thing tomorrow she’s ‘urgently going to contact a colt psychiatrist’, whatever that means. Sorry Mum, but the only grown-up I wanna see is that professional badass Twilight Sparkle, and I’m much more eager to have a mouth-to-mouth with her than a heart-to-heart (surely her lavender lips had to taste better than her mucky imposter, anyway).
I toyed with the idea of knotting some sheets together in the classic way to make my daring escape at the crack of dawn, but eventually settled on just sliding down the drainpipe to reach the floor below. Apologies mother, sorry school… I have a bride to go and win today, and no harsh punishments or mandated lesson plans are gonna stop me… OW!
I rub my sore keister from where I fell off the pipe; obviously when you’ve played video games for the vast majority of your wasted existence, it’s a bit difficult to maintain a hard grip on a smooth surface. Damn my flimsy carpal tunnel muscles… but, no matter. Soon, I’ll be away on the early train to Canterlot, then I’ll head to the castle and officially present myself as a certain alicorn’s intended. She’s gotta say yes, she has to say yes… besides, I only saved up enough bits for a one-way ticket.
I just make the locomotive in time, and dive on board as the doors are closing. If I was a bigger size, I never would’ve made that miniscule gap. You see, everypony who constantly laughs at me for being one of the shortest in my class? There are advantages to being small after all. So there!
I surprisingly fail to attract a great deal of attention en route to my new home and future wife. Maybe they failed to spot me due to my aforementioned short stature, or perhaps they recognised my undoubtedly mature outlook on life despite my young age, and are willing to treat me as an older stallion than the unaccompanied minor I truly am.
No matter. The only pony whose opinion I value sits in session at Canterlot castle, and I intend to be united with her as soon as possible. I didn’t make any special effort to spruce up my appearance for when I see her today, as surely my superior intellect and confident poise shall be enough to win her studious heart after the first glance. She might’ve spotted me in a cramped crowd scene before, but baby… seeing somepony like me one-on-one in the flesh is a whole different experience, believe me.
(I did bring along some poetry I wrote last week though; is that cheating? Nah, I probably won’t need it, but in the event of an emergency… ‘Roses Are Red, Twilight Is Purple’… quite proud of myself I found something to rhyme with that… ‘Gurple’ is in the dictionary, right?)
As soon as we reach our destination I bolt through the sliding doors, ignoring the local peasantry on my way setting up for market day to make a beeline straight for the castle. I’ve never actually been to Canterlot before, but there'll be plenty of time left for sightseeing once I’m cradling Twilight in my hooves. Perhaps, if I ask nicely, she’ll even give me an aerial guided tour. Woo hoo!
At least I didn’t need a map to find such an imposing structure. Without a second’s hesitation, I nip past the shellshocked guards at the gate and run inside, shouting her name repeatedly out loud at the top of my lungs while sprinting aimlessly down countless plushly-decorated corridors. “Twilight!” “Twilight Sparkle!!” “Oh Princess Twilight Sparkle The Beautiful, Lover Boy Is Here!!!”
Just as I was about to give up hope of ever finding my soon-to-be-betrothed, a pair of doors nearby burst wide open. There she stood in all her magnificent majesty, staring right in my direction and looking ever-so-slightly less ecstatic to see me than I hoped. Behind her were a bunch of boring-looking older ponies seated around a marble table, evidently I’d interrupted some kind of ‘important’ meeting regarding the ‘smooth function of international diplomacy designed at holding the essential fabric of society together’.
But, who cares… right? The only ‘meeting’ that really matters is between me and Miss Sparkle when she accepts my generous offer and we agree to exchange vows in front of a captive audience. Anyway, just be quiet for a moment, okay? She’s about to say something, and I want to linger on every single one of her sweet, sweet words.
“... Hello? Can I help you?”
Hmm, not quite the welcome-with-open-hooves I imagined, but I’ll soon recover my position, you just wait. “Hi, Princess Twilight! This is ‘Lover Boy’.”
“W-Wait… you’re the one who sent me all those weird letters signed with that alias? B-But you’re only…”
“That’s right. Ten years old, and worth every day, baby.”
“T-This can’t be right. Your graphic use of words. Your heavily insinuating language. The fact you sent me a vial of your blood to ‘seal the deal’, whatever you meant with that…”
“Must be all the RPGs I’ve played, sugar. They really broaden your vocabulary, I find. And that vial was to be worn round your neck at all times. Where is it?”
“...Never mind that. You’re not ‘Lover Boy’, you’re ‘Button Mash’. I remember you from when I visited Ponyville Elementary soon after my coronation, and you drew a cute picture of me using non-toxic crayons. I patted you on the head briefly, told you it was good work, and then…”
“What you really wanted to say was ‘I love you’!” My secret identity has been revealed, but who cares. I got her on the ropes now, time to go in for the kill. “Go on, admit it! Don’t be shy, Princess! I skipped an entire day of school to ask you to be my queen, depriving myself of valuable education and tapioca pudding for dessert in the process. Tapioca pudding, my favourite...! If that isn’t a sign of my limitless commitment to us, I don’t know what is…”
“H-Huh? No! I plainly meant ‘good work’! No more, no less! And you’re just a child! With some of the most worryingly obsessional behavioural traits I’ve seen since… guards! Get here this instant! What took you so long?!”
Suddenly I feel two pairs of strong hooves around my back, and my body sharply being dragged away from the somewhat freaked-out alicorn in front of me. Realising that my ingenious plan had hit a slight snag, I swiftly moved to remedy the situation before it got totally out of control.
“C’mon, Princess! We can do two-player Chronic The Hodgeheg together! You have to at least give me a try!”
“No, I don’t!”
“Doesn’t the name ’Twilight Mash’ sound tempting?”
“No, it doesn’t!!”
“Alright Twilight, a joke’s a joke, but now you’re starting to worry me. Go on, tell these armoured buffoons to let me go so I can get down on one hind hoof and make an honest mare out of you. I only brought a ring pull with me today, but I swear I’ll get you a proper ring once I graduate…”
“I can assure you Button Mash, this is not a ‘joke’ in any sense of the word. My highly-trained buffoo… I mean ‘soldiers’ are going to take you out back now and give you… ‘The Cozy Glow Treatment’.”
Instantly, my thoughts grind to a halt as I fully take on board what a stony-faced Twilight has just told me. “Y-You can’t possibly mean…”
Twilight nodded sagely.
“T-The dreaded Cozy Glow… the demonic filly who almost wiped out the entire…”
Twilight motioned ‘yes’ once more, with more than a trace of sadness.
“A-And you’re gonna turn me i-into…”
This time Twilight responded simply by waving her hoof at my screaming form as I was frogmarched away round the corner where I no longer see her beauty, as if confirming my worst possible fears.
I don’t wanna be turned to stone forever! My mum will wonder where I am! How will my classmates cope without me? Twilight will see sense and change her mind, I’m sure…
I think…? “HHELLPP”!!
Hang on… how am I even writing this now, if I’m…?
**********************
“Gee Twi, that was harsh even for you. You’re not really gonna…”
“Don’t be silly, Spike. Button Mash didn’t let me finish his sentence. What I was trying to add was ‘turn him into… a productive member of society, by scaring him straight’. All it should take is one look at Cozy Glow’s horrified, petrified form, and it should tell him the deranged and delusional path he’s on right now isn’t a good one. If the abrupt shock stops him having unsettling, distinctly unchildlike fantasies over me, I think we could be on the verge of an amazing new therapy method. Maybe I’ll even try writing a book about it.”
“Just as long as it doesn’t lead to the entire town in uproar like your last published work, that’s all. And I’m kind of glad Button Mash isn’t about to be added to the statue collection in the garden, to be honest.”
“Really, Spike? I didn’t know you liked him. Or even knew him, come to think of it.”
“I don’t… but do you know how difficult it is to clean pigeon poop off stone?”
Author's Note
Another fic I thought of along the same lines of the one I finished twelve days ago, but with a slightly darker edge to it.
Ho-hum. Back to the chapter fics I go, then. Bye for now! 
