Christmas at the Weapon Emporium

by Squeak-anon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4107

A Gun With Occasional Pony side story for the Magnificent Madmax

A Gun With Occasional Pony side story for the Magnificent Madmax, based on the awesome: http://madmaxdoodles.tumblr.com/

Published 2011-12-29 12:10:50 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-29 12:10:50 UTC

Christmas at the Weapon Emporium

Varying reports make it confusing to know exactly where everything started. This really doesn’t matter though as the only part I, or anypony remembers is a giant explosion in the middle of the OC. Well, it wasn’t really the middle so much as the left most corner, Tumbloosa as ponies so lovingly call it.

The OC, where thoughts and ideas come to life. Or at least thoughts about ponies, every idea taking shape and living it’s life in one place. One insane, dangerous place.

Tumbaloosa was a recent development, a small ways away from the /co/mpound next to the City of Deviants. When the doors first opened a few months back there was a gold rush of sorts. Those few ponies with the ability to draw took to it like fish to water, their ideas growing and spreading like wildfire. In the short few months it had taken to build itself up it had become an integral part of the OC’s framework.

Which is why Madmax was on one of the first trains, along with her assistants, new to the OC, Bitchdancer and Midnight Fun, otherwise known as the Legend Sisters. Little is known about them beyond this, but soon they opened up a lovely little shop on a hill. At the time of the incident it was christmas in the OC, and it was done up in bright colorful lights and covered with fresh white snow.

You almost couldn’t tell it sold high caliber weapons, doubly so because at the moment it was on fire.

“Midnight!” coughed Bitchdancer, the puffball at the top of her hat swinging wildly. She stumbled, trying not to trip over scattered AK-47s. “They’ve found us!”

“No shit Sherlock,” came a voice from behind her. Midnight Fun came barreling out of the smoke wearing a pair of antlers, a mini-gun clutched tightly in hoof. “You wanna keep stating the obvious or get out of here?” There was some shuffling from the northern corner of the shop. Midnight turned on her heel and fired into the smoke. “Get Max!”

“It would be easier to get me if you weren’t shooting at me!” The smoke cleared a bit to reveal Madmax crouching behind what was left of the wall. There was a bullet hole in one of her trademark ponytails.

Bitchdancer gasped, quickly racing over to help her up. “Are you alright?”

“I will be if these sons of donkeys stop destroying my store!” she reached into a nearby bin, pulling out a spiked gauntlet. “Every week...” she signed.

“Eh, it keeps us busy,” Midnight said, firing into the smoke once again. “Dancer, arm yourself.”

“Already taken care of,” she said, holding up a hoof.

“A portal gun?”

“Yes, a portal gun.”

Midnight put a hoof to her forehead. “That’s not exactly an offencive weapon.”

“Just wait, you’ll see,” Bitchdancer said in a sing song voice.

“Enough chatter, if we don’t get out of here we’re going to choke!” Madmax coughed. “Dancer, with me! Midnight, you cover us.”

Midnight nodded as Madmax and Bitchdancer headed towards one of the fallen walls, avoiding smoking crates and displays. What was left of the Christmas tree lay in smolders on the ground, Madmax took a running leap, clearing the shop and landing no the cold snow outside. She skidded a bit, turning to look back to face whatever was coming. Bitchdancer was close behind, his landing was a bit less coordinated, tripping over the remains of the tree and smashing face first in a snow drift.

The mini-gun went off behind them, Madmax could see the muzzle flash through the smoke. Midnight Fun backed out of the shop, the kick from the gun shaking her whole body. Suddenly it jammed .

“Damn,” she cursed under her breath, throwing the gun down in disgust.

Bitchdancer pulled herself from the snow, quickly getting to his hooves. Through the

smoke the three of them could see several pairs of glowing green eyes getting closer.

Madmax took up the lead, standing on her hind legs she pressed a button on the gauntlet, its fist went sailing into the the oncoming force with a satisfying crunch.

“Nice shot!” said Bitchdancer happily.

“Thank you.” said Madmax, retracting it back into position.

A bullet whizzed by Midnight’s nose.

“Time to go!”

The three of them ran as the first attacker cleared the shop, landing in the snow behind them. Midnight fun turned and kicked a hole in another wall, reaching in and grabbing a random weapon. It looked very much like a heart in a jar, most likely because that’s exactly what it was.

“The W.M.L!” yelled Bitchdancer, “But that’s experimental!”

Madmax sent the gauntlet sailing through the air again. “No better time to test it than now!”

Midnight looked around, Madmax’s hit had done some damage, but still more ponies dressed in black suits with night-vision goggles came pouring out of the shop, priming their weapons to fire again.

“Behind that tree!” said Bitchdancer pointing to a larger pine near the edge of the forest.

Madmax dove behind it, followed by Midnight, Bitchdancer stopped short.

“What are you doing!?” yelled Midnight.

“You’ll see.” she fired the portal gun twice, one blue gate appearing at the base of the tree, and an orange one appearing just above it. She leapt behind it just as the gunfire started.

The bullets entered the first portal, pouring out of the second directly back at the oncoming force, several ponies dropped before they caught on.

“Told you.” Bitchdancer grinned.

Midnight nodded, “Fine, I’ll give you points for that one. Now, who’s trying to kill us this time? Looks like these are the usual anonymous grunts, but who’s their leader?”

“Could be Estaves,” Bitchdancer guessed. “You know after what happened in the Congo?”

Madmax put a hoof to her chin. “No, I took ‘care’ of him last time. Couldn’t be him.”

“Oh, you mean the time with the plunger?” Bitchdancer grimaced. “Yeah...can’t be him...” she thought for a moment. “How about the the Peach Coalition?”

“Pitted,” said Madmax simply.

“Darlocks?”

“Portal to hell.”

“PSI?”

“Violent strain of chicken pox, they were delicious.”

“Oh yeah....” Bitchdancer peeked around the tree. “Well then I’m stumped, who is it this time!”

“Who cares,” said Midnight. “Let’s just kill them and get on with it!”

“Good point,” said Madmax. The gunfire had stopped for the time being, the grunts were wary. “We’ll split up, they won’t know who to shoot at.”

Bitchdancer put up a tentative hoof. “But won’t they still be shooting at u-”

“Go!”

Madmax ran to the left, firing the gauntlet as cover. Midnight fun dashed to the left, Bitchdancer stood confused for a moment, then opted to run into the forest.

The tactic worked, buying them valuable time as the grunts worked out who to follow. The majority started after Madmax, a few being felled by her gauntlet as she ran, the rest split up between Midnight Fun and Bitchdancer.

Madmax ran around the corner of the shop, towards the storefront, her hooves compressing the snow as she progressed. The christmas lights burst from the heat sending sprays of multicolored glass raining into the snow.

She fired the gauntlet again, sending the metal fist sailing to the crowd of grunts. A few fell to the snow, but this time one reached out and grabbed it in his teeth, giving a sharp yank. It came free with a pop and was lost in the confusion.

Madmax cursed under her breath, she was unarmed now. She could hear the grunts cocking their weapons again. They’d fire soon, and she had no way to stop them.

Behind her, heading in the opposite direction Bitchdancer ran between the large pine trees of the forest, dodging between them as gunfire ripped through the wood around her. They were gaining fast, she wasn’t built for running. She wished Midnight was there, she’d know what to do.

“I knew splitting up was a bad idea...” she said softly. “I need to do something...”

A bullet ripped the Santa hat from her head.

“Very quickly....”

She dashed behind one of the bigger trees, clutching the portal gun to her chest, trying to avoid the splinters of wood that flew from the trees as the bullets struck around her. Suddenly an idea hit. She fired the portal gun up into the tree line.

“Hey! Over here! Your mothers were...um....not very nice!”

The grunts nostrils’ flared, locking on they raced towards her at full tilt, murder gleaming in their eyes.

Bitchdancer fired the portal gun once more, directly in their path, an orange gate opened before they could stop, the entire group of grunts went tumbling into it.

Behind her Bitchdancer heard a series of sharp screams as they shot out of the other side, situated at the top of a tall spruce, spinning end over end onto the ground with a series of unpleasant cracking sounds.

“Sorry...” she apologized.

Looking around to make sure the coast was clear, she ran back towards the shop to find her sister.

Midnight Fun’s hoof collided with the jaw of a grunt. She spun around, hooking a forehoof around his throat and tossing him back towards the others following her. He hit like a bowling ball, sending them flying in all directions. The fire in the store had gotten worse, she could feel the flames from here. The W.M.L was balanced precariously on her back as she galloped forwards towards a large rock jutting from the snow.

The grunts collected their wits, getting up to resume the chase. Midnight ran even faster, knowing what would happen soon.

Inside the shop, the fire headed towards the basement, the flames licking at a door marked: ‘Ammo’.

She dived for cover as an explosion rocked the ground. Bullets of all kinds went flying into the night as the ammunition store went up in flames. The grunts were thrown from their feet by the force of the blast, many of them suffering hits from innumerable rounds flying through the air.

They ricocheted off the boulder Midnight Fun hid behind. She put her hooves over her head as the explosion continued to roar from inside.

From Madmax’s perspective she heard the rumbling below her hooves as the ammunition's store heated up. Her glasses glinted in the firelight as she had an idea.

“I surrender!” she yelled, putting up her hooves.

The Grunts stopped suddenly, almost tripping over each other in the snow. They eyed her warily.

It was quite for several minutes.

“Well, I surrender,” Madmax said again. “Cuff me.”

There was some whispering among the grunts, then a lot of pushing. One of them was shoved forward. He stepped tentatively towards her, holding a pair of hoofcuffs. Madmax stood there, smiling cheerfully.

The rumbling below them got louder. The grunt walked up, lifting the cuffs, suddenly Madmax locked a forhoof around his neck and pushed him fowards in front of her.

The shop exploded, knocking the grunts of their feet. Madmax gritted her teeth and locked her hooves into the snow, the grunt in front of her taking the brunt of the explosion.

Madmax let the grunt drop to the ground once it’d died out, she looked around in the snow. The coast seemed clear.

Midnight came running up shortly after.

“I think that was all of them.” said Madmax.

A portal opened up in the middle of the snow, Bitchdancer popped out of it, looking around warily. “I don’t know, that seemed a bit....easy don’t you think?”

Suddenly the sound of helicopter blades ripped through the air.

Midnight fun sighed. “You had to say something didn’t you?”

A series of rope ladders fell out of the copter doors as grunt after grunt filed out onto the snow. Soon the three of them were surrounded.

“Gladis Madisonya Argention Rodrigez Max, if that is your real name,” called a grunt through a megaphone hanging from one of the helicopters. “You and the Legend sisters will give yourselves up. There is no hope, you’re surrounded.”

Bitchdancer bit her lip. “What do we do now?”

Midnight Fun and Madmax shared a look.

“We’ll have to use it.”

“I think so.”

“You ready?”

Midnight Fun took the W.M.L and placed it suddenly on Bitchdancer’s head. “Hell yeah.”

“Ready for what?...” asked Bitchdancer.

“This!” Madmax brought her hoof down onto a large red button on the top of the device.

It hummed, sputtered and shook as it came to life red sparks flying out into the night. The three of them closed their eyes...

And nothing happened.

Madmax pressed the button again.

Still nothing happened.

“Well...this is bad timing...” said Bitchdancer.

“Ha!” Cried the grunt. “Was that your last defence? Your ace in the hole? Well, I expected better from the great Madma-”

He was interrupted as a red light burst forth from the W.M.L, flooding out over the ground and into the sky. The force of it shook the helicopters as they struggled to stay hovering in the air. The grunts surrounding them threw up their hooves in defence as wind whipped around them, threatening to blow away the unwary.

Then, as suddenly as it had happened, the light died out.

Everypony stood very still for a moment.

Bitchdancer tenatively opened an eye. “Did it work?”

Madmax looked at the nearest grunt. He slowly reached up and removed his goggles. His eyes had been replaced by a large pair of cartoon hearts.

She grinned. “Yes, yes I think it did.”

The grunt in question threw himself at Bitchdancer’s feet. “My darling! My sweet! Oh now that I have seen you let us never be parted again! Come! We will be married as soon as the sun rises on the day of our love!”

Midnight Fun pointed a hoof to her mouth and made a gagging noise. “Yep, it did. Weapon of Mass Love, what a stupid idea.”

“Maybe not.” Madmax stepped in front of Bitchdancer. More and more Grunts were removing their goggles, crowding to get closer to her. “Hey!” she yelled. “Isn’t she a catch?”

They were almost deafened by replies.

“Well, you know, only one of you can have her, and I hear she likes guys who know how to fight.”

There was a pause in the crowd, the grunts glared at each other for a moment before pandemonium broke out. The Helicopters suddenly lost control, spinning into the snow as fights broke out inside. The sound of punches being thrown was almost a constant hum.

Madmax smiled smuggly. “Told you it was a good idea.”

Midnight Fun rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but this’ll take ages.” she looked into the fray. “Isn’t there a faster way to off these guys?”

A megaphone flew out of the brawl and hit Bitchdancer on the side of the head.

“Ow...” she complained.

“Ah, perfect.” Midnight smiled evilly. She picked up the megaphone and cleared her throat. “Hey! Hey Idiots!”

The grunts stopped mid punch.

“You know the object of your affections? The filly you all love so much?”

They nodded.

“The one you would die for?”

They nodded again.

Midnight Fun strutted over to Bitchdancer, patting her on the head. “Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. But....she’s a colt. I’m glad you all like my brother so much.”

The world stood still for a moment as this news sunk in. One of the less injured grunts limped forwards, arching an eyebrow in Bitchdancer’s direction.

“Well yeah...” he said. “I thought you all knew that already?

With a sound like a thousand breaking windows the hearts in their eyes shattered. The Grunts clutched their heads and screamed in pain as the truth sunk in. One after one they fell into the snow, barely twiching, whisps of smoke pouring from their ears.

“Well,” huffed Bitchdancer. “I can’t say I’m not a little offended.”

“Be offended later!” said Midnight Fun. “We need to get out of here, these are just grunts, the big boss can’t be far behind, and we still don’t know who it is!”

“I think I do...” Madmax looked up into the sky. Above them something flew through the air, silloetted by the moon. It appeared to be pulled by nine brown creatures, slightly bigger than ponies. The one at the forefront had a glowing red nose.

"No way...." Bitchdancer stood, mouth open staring at the sky. "No....way..."

It took a hard left, rushing down onto the snow. The red slay stopped in front of them with a skid, tossing snow in it's wake. A large human in a red coat and pants took a ponderous step out of his craft and onto the cold ground.

"Hohoho..." he said with a smug grin.

"Clause." Madmax spat. "Still mad about what happened up north all those years ago?"

Santa patted his large stomach. "Why yes, I'd say I am, Ms.Max, you were a very naughty filly back then."

"Well you should have gotten me those bows I wanted."

"You weren't on my list. And besides, we both know those elves didn't deserve what they got..."

Midnight Fun shot Madmax a look. "Really? Santa Clause?"

"I don't like it when people cross me Midnight."

She sighed, "Well, that's one more holiday ruined."

Santa looked over at the two sisters. "Oh!" he said upon seeing Bitchdancer. "One second, you actually made the nice list this year." he bent over into his sled and pulled out a large gift, tossing it her way. "Here, Merry Christmas."

He eyed it warily. "What is it?"

"Open it and see, it won't hurt you I promise. I'm Santa Clause, I can't lie."

Gingerly he poked the present with her horn, ripping the paper. "....No..."

Santa nodded. "Yes!"

He tore into the present, holding up what was inside. "A pogo stick! Just like I wanted! Thanks Santa!"

"You're welcome, Bitchdancer. Now, you go play with that while I kill your boss."

Madmax chuckled. "You think you can take me, Clause? You know you couldn't back then, what makes you think you can now?"

He reached into his bag again, pulling out two Katanas. "I don't know...just a funny feeling." He tossed the second one to Madmax, who caught it in her teeth. "I'm a sporting man, so I'll give you a shot."

Madmax smiled. "I think you'll regret that."

It is at this point that I found myself walking up the path to the store. I had a little bounce in my step for the holidays, along with a sprig of holly tucked in the corner of my rather beat up fedora next to the press pass that always sat there. I was making my rounds around the OC to deliver gifts to some of my friends. I had been by Slywit's with a new cowboy hat. Don't ask me why he likes them. And Pacce's with a shaver, the look on his face had been priceless.

Now I'd made the train ride to Tumbaloosa in order to deliver Madmax's gift, a new set of drawing pencils. I figured being an artist I really couldn't go wrong with these. But as usual I had horrible timing.

And if you're wondering how I knew anything that went up on the hill while not actually being present in order to relay them to you, let me use an old saying to elaborate.

It's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit.

In anycase I smelled the fire before I saw it. At first I figured she must've been having a bonfire or something, perhaps roasting marshmallows or some other holiday activity. But then I smelled gunpowder, and heard something that sounded mysteriously like two samurai swords clashing against one another in single combat.

Then I started running towards it. Which is probably a bad idea in any situation, but sue me, you don't get a press pass in your hat without a bit of curiosity.

What I came upon was one of the oddest things I've seen in my life in the OC.

Madmax and Santa Clause were locked together, their swords grinding against each other, sending sparks up into the cold night, neither wanting to give any ground. Santa was sweating with exertion, pushing hard against her defense.

I stood there, stunned for several minutes until something pink and yellow crashed into me.

I looked up to see a pony dusting herself off, a pogo stick lying nearby.

"Ooops, sorry about that. I'm out of practice." She looked at me for a moment. "Hey I know you..."

I got up, besides us Santa and Madmax were going at each other again, their swords clashing faster than I could keep track of.

"...Yes...hello..." I looked at her for a moment, recognition dawning. "You're," I paused, remembering her name. "Bitch...dancer..."

"Yep! That's me!" she said with a smile. "You're Squeak right?"

"That's right...." I'd known Madmax for a little while, but I hadn't seen her since she'd opened the store. This was the first time I'd met her assistance, though I'd heard of them.

Behind us Madmax scored a hit on Santa's shoulder, blood spraying into the snow.

"Um...Mind if I ask what's going on right now?"

"Oh..." she put a hoof to her chin. "Well Santa Clause is trying to kill Madmax because she attacked his workshop when she was a filly because he didn't get her some bowties she wanted."

That sentence hung there for a moment.

"You're serious?"

"Yep!"

Suddenly Madmax came spinning across the snow towards us. I reached out a hoof to stop her ,but ended up being dragged along into the base of a tree.

"Oh, hi Squeak! Nice to see you." she said casually. She pushed me to the left, and jumped to the right as Santa's katana slashed into the bark where we'd been standing.

I landed head first into a snow drift. I quickly righted myself, and turned towards the fight.

"How have you been?" she asked parrying a low strike from Santa.

"W-what!?"

"How have you been?" she asked again, slashing at his legs.

"I-I'm fine! What about you!?"

"A little busy." she admitted, jumping away from Santa's sword. "Any reason for the visit?"

I floundered for a moment. I've seen a lot of things in The OC but this pretty much took the cake.

"W-well I was giving out gifts, and I came to give you these..." I reached into my saddlebag and took out the pencil set. "I hardly think that matters now!"

Madmax's glasses glinted as she saw the pencils. "Oh I think it does!" She leapt over Santa's head, landing in the snow in front of me.

She ripped the pencils from my grasp, tearing open the case and grabbing a green one with her horn. She tossed the katana to the side, sinking it into the trunk of a tree.

"Ha!" Santa laughed. "You're unarmed now Max, a foolish mistake."

Madmax grinned. "Haven't you heard, Clause?" she asked. "The pencil is mightier than the sword."

She raised her head and with a gesture the pencil went to work. Drawing lines in the air, they hung there, as if on paper, forming something.

Santa gave a cry of rage and launched himself towards her in a fury, but it was too late.

Madmax stood in front of a tank, it's gun glowing as it prepared to fire.

"Oh Cookies...." said Santa.

I shielded my eyes as the tank fired, a blinding light flashing as it discharged. The ground shook as it hit, Throwing up the snow in a mushroom cloud.

As everything settled Madmax walked over and helped me up.

"Thanks for the pencils." she said, grinning.

"Um....no problem Maxie..." I said, staring dumbstruck at the resulting crater where Santa had been standing.

Her assistants raced over.

"Huh..." said Midnight simply.

"Great shot Madmax!" Bitchdancer hugged her tightly. "But...it looks like we're going to have to move the shop again..."

Midnight sighed. "What a pain."

I was still extremely unsure what was going on. "Does this happen often?"

Madmax shrugged. "It's a hazard of life. Now, let's get out of here."

"Wait I still don-"

"Helicopter mode!" Suddenly Madmax's ponytails stood up on end, the very tips pointing out to the sides and starting to spin.

Midnight Fun and Bitchdancer grabbed onto her forehooves as she lifted off the ground. Not knowing what else to do I grabbed onto her leg. At this point I decided was I far beyond questioning anything else, I was beginning to fear the answers.

I resigned myself to the nonsense. "Merry Christmas Maxie."

She angled us towards town. "Merry Christmas Squeak."

The end.