Princess Twilight watched me closely, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t mind this,” she slipped a fucking ring on my horn. “We don’t really know who you are, or what you’re capable of. You did kind of help out back in Composite Equestria, but we still don’t know what you’re playing at. With how you handedly took on two alicorns without instantly getting annihilated, makes me think we can’t trust you.” I took my wallet out and started digging through it for a Single Bit coin, which was literally a Bit that costed… one bit. Bits could get annoying in large quantities, so you can get one, five, ten, twenty, fifty, one hundred, and even thousand bit coins. It’s essentially like a dollar, I guess, without the paper that comes with it. I specifically wanted a single bit coin to toss and catch with my hooves.

“Mmm, that’s fair, but also,” I tilted my head. “Why deem me a threat? I don’t wanna fight, I wanna go home. This ain’t my world, my Celly doesn’t use perfume like your Celestia does. Or makeup at all,” I noted. Prime Celestia seemed a little shocked at how I noticed that. “What? I can see some eyeshadow, and I know what my Celly looks like with any amount of makeup on.” I tossed the coin and caught it with my hoof. “Also this,” I pointed at the ring. “Wouldn’t stop me if I wanted to hurt anypony, or could outright hurt another alicorn with my meager strength in magic.”

“...How would that ring not stop you?” Celestia asked, walking to the forefront of the room. “And you claim to know yet another Celestia. You are also an alicorn, a male at that.”

“I am indeed a unicorn with wings, and I do indeed know another Celestia, Sun Butt as I sometimes called her, Celly, or Cielo Soleado if she’s in trouble.” The other Celestia looked shocked. “That’s right, I know your full name, Cielo. However, I almost never use that name with my Celly. Or with any Celestia for that matter; Celestia just rolls off the tongue better.” I started channeling magic through the bit and lifted the ring off my horn. “And also, that’s why a magic prohibiter wouldn’t work on me. I’m not a very powerful mage, but I like to think I’m a resourceful one.” I tossed the bit in my magic, before getting my wallet out and catching the bit with it. I’m gonna buy some whisky later and forget this ever happened.

“You used a bit as a wand,” Twilight said dumbly. “...And you can use it to bypass any means we have at containing you.”

“Hey, treat me nicely and with respect, maybe give me the possibility of sending me home, and I’m chilling. Well, the second one might be a huge maybe; I doubt anypony here knows portal magic super good. Just don’t try and murder me, and I’m not a threat. Hell, if you do want me dead, don’t give me space or time to breathe while doing so. I’ve killed four… alicorns in another timeline because I had enough time to devise a plan. I couldn’t have outright killed Cadance, not an evil one at least, but give me time to form a plan and the whole Crystal Empire will be gone…

“HOWEVER, seeing as the last time I did something like that, my already horrible mental health problems started getting worse, I don’t wanna do that. Cadance, back home, is my niece. I don’t exactly want to hurt her no matter the timeline. Hell, if I coulda, since she has a whole kingdom to rule too, I’d snag her from Shiny for the day, take her to the spa, and then hangout with her. Feck, back home, Luna’s my sister and in law, and I treat her like she’s my adoptive sibling. Which is why I went to both your Luna, and the other Luna during that whole world colliding fiasco; I don’t like seeing her get hurt.

“Hell, that other Celestia with the boots and whole getup, was a rather lovely sight… if that Celestia didn’t try to immediately break my neck upon meeting me.” Celly in boots, very hot. I might buy her a pair. I bowed my head. “No matter the timeline, I suppose, or the world, Celestia is a sight for sore eyes.” I tried my best to look serious. “And if any of you prevent me from making my way back to my Celly, or to my son, I will make you regret any decision you had on trying to keep me here. So no, I ain’t being used so you alicorns can get preggers or whatever. I am a one mare stallion and I found her in another castle.”

…

“Did you say you’ve killed four alicorns?” Luna asked, looking concerned. “In another timeline?”

“Yeah, evil versions of you, Celestia, Cadance and Twilight. I wouldn’t say they were horrible people, but they also burnt a village to the ground after killing everypony living in it, talked about alicorn supremacy, apparently killed somepony named Thorax-” I just realized who they killed in that fucked up timeline. Jesus christ that’s fucked. “After wiping his kingdom out, they also tried to kill me and were also committing genocide. They were terrible ponies, and frankly, if it weren’t for how I took them out, I wouldn’t feel bad for them… The problem was watching Luna’s eyes while she was dying, killing Celestia, blowing-” I clutched the side of my head at the thought of that. In, out. In. Out. I took one last breath, thought of Button in his little Nightmare Night costume, and shook my head a few times.

“Uh… look, let’s drop the subject, aight? Just watching the life leave Luna’s eyes, no matter the Luna, is already mentally fucking me up,” I took one last deep breath. “Anyways, I think I’m developing theories since some version of Discord really, really likes me and has either helped me out, or fucked me over like he has twice now. Tossed me in here instead of tossing me in a portal home.” I sat on my rump and crossed my forelegs. “So, what do you all want-”

“I want to see how strong you are, then,” Luna said.

“But… you literally took a hit so hard that it disoriented two of you, and knocked you out for a while.”

“Please, I wouldn’t have been called Equestria’s Sword, if I couldn’t get back up and fight at a moment’s notice.”

“Can’t we not do that and skip straight to the questionnaire instead?” I asked. “I really don’t wanna hurt you.” Too bad for what I want is never what I seem to get.

No, we couldn’t. Celestia dragged us straight to a dueling arena that was somewhere in Canterlot, designed specifically for her and Luna to spar whenever they felt like it. I sat there on my butt, wondering why I even woke up today or had plans of doing things. I coulda just laid in bed the whole day, holding Button, snuggling with Celly. Instead, I’m in another timeline, I think, getting ready to fight Luna, a Luna I didn’t wanna fight. In fact, I really didn’t want to fight. So, as Twilight began counting down, because I guess she’s a referee now, I laid on my stomach and slowly brought my forelegs up to my head and held my head with them.

“FUTURE!” I then rolled out of the way of some stupid spell that Luna threw at me. What was it? I don’t know. It was stupid and it probably would've hurt if it hit me. So it was actually really stupid. I rolled out of another attack, I think my diagnostic spell knew what it was, but I didn’t care. I was still contemplating why the fuck I am alive.

“Can we not?” I asked as I used a Mirror to deflect Luna’s attack into the ceiling. “I’m not fighting back. So there’s literally no point.” I haven’t gotten up from where I was laying-

Ow. Fucking ow.

Luna just threw me at a wall from the other side of the room, with her stupid spells that hurt.

“This is why my Lulu is better,” I lifted a hoof, before letting it fall limp. “She just lets me snuggle up with her, doesn’t ask me to spar with her out of the bucking blue, and she’s my Lulu.” I miss Luna’s Loving Lunar Hugs from a Loving Luna. I grumbled to myself. I continued laying there, pretending to be knocked out when Prime Luna walked up to me and placed a hoof on my side.

“I didn’t hit you too hard, did-” I hit her with a stun, which made her topple over, and then dragged her onto my back and started walking out of the arena.

“I. Fucking. Hate. Fighting.” I said as soon as I handed Luna off to Celestia. “Take care of her; she isn’t hurt, just paralyzed until that spell wears off.”

“That was a cheap trick,” Celestia noted. “Pretending to be hurt to sucker punch my sister.” She sounded like a disappointed mother. Celly woulda been trying not to laugh at Lulu for falling for that trick. This Celestia sounded like she wanted to reprimand me for pulling the trick in the first place and then reprimand Luna for falling for it.

“I don’t wanna try and overpower or out duel you or Luna. I know how horribly that would end. I get by off of being a little weasel. I’ll freely admit that I lost, or was gonna lose, if I kept fighting. It’s why I kept laying on the ground shouting ‘future’ into the ground. I wanna fucking die, believe it or not.” I rubbed the back of my head. “Feckin’ hell, Luna, did you have to throw me at the wall?”

“I couldn’t,” Luna slurred, the Stun was still affecting her. “Bucking hit you. When I hit you dead on, you seem to teleport out of the way unharmed, and when I don’t, you roll out of the way screaming ‘future’ again.”

“Oh. Yeah. Light Shield. Mhm. I remember my own inventions in spell casting."

“And that,” Twilight Sparkle walked up to me, and somehow ended up nuzzled under my wing. “Is exactly going to be on the questionnaire I’ve prepared for you while you were fighting Princess Luna. Come on now, I believe we have some… studying to do.” Why the fuck is there at least one horny alicorn across all these timelines? Well, aside from Evil Celestia, she just wanted to break my neck.

We didn’t do any sort of Studying, Twilight just sounded horny when she suggested that.

“Is it mating season in this world, for some reason?” I asked.

“...Yes,” Twilight answered.

“Mother fucker.” We were now sitting in a sitting room, the same one where me, Lulu, and Chrysalis all began discussing the terms and conditions of why Chrysalis wasn’t dead, dismembered, and under a bridge, and why she might be useful alive. Twilight and her friends were with us, so was Celestia and Luna, who were snuggled up together. Luna was glaring at me, Twilight was snuggled up with me still, she wasn’t leaving me alone.

“So you said you have made something called a Light Shield, what is that?” She asked. “And can you teach it to me?”

“I cannot teach you. Light Shield’s a type of shield I’ve developed specifically for myself. I’m gonna be frank, I kinda suck at magic if I didn’t develop something that optimizes how much magic actually goes into casting a spell, so that I could get more power out of it. Light Shield is basically an alarm system that alerts you to if you’re being attacked with any sort of spell, and since I’m not fast enough to react in time, it also counteracts the attack made on me in any way that it can. Including teleporting me out the way or grinding the opposing spell into dust. Once it made me use a portal, using Runes that made no sense when you put them together, and equations that made even less sense when you think about them.

“Essentially Light Shield is a Shield for magical attacks only and it does its damn best to keep the user safe, even forcing the user into casting spells… even if the user doesn’t know it.”

“...What?!” Twilight shouted.

“Don’t you dare start Twilighting and asking me how the hell I made a spell with its own spell system. Because I can’t tell you how, and I don’t know how to do it. I just know that it’s really stupid, and if you hit me in the face, Light Shield doesn’t do anything about it.” I removed myself from the cushion and from Twilight, and stretched my wings and legs. “I’m feckin’ starving. Anypony got anything to eat?” I tilted my head before shivering. “That isn’t a hayburger. God damn, I hate hayburgers. I got foalnapped in my world, right around Cadance’s wedding since I was getting married around the same time to Celly, and we ended up being fed hayburgers by our warden for however bucking long.”

“...You married Celestia in your timeline?” Luna asked. “How?!”

“Well,” Princess Celestia mused. “He is a rather pleasant shade of blue, and his mane is a very complimenting shade of yellow.”

“Sister, he is the most plain looking stallion, ignoring the wings, that I’ve ever seen. I know you’ve seen better ponies than him.” Luna kept glaring at me as she said that.

“I know I’m probably not that attractive,” I said plainly. “But I think my Celly liked me for a few reasons, and I’m only half guessing. Celestia, tell me, does it suck having everyone… for a lack of a better term, kiss your ass?” I asked.

Celestia tilted her head. “It can get rather irritating, yes.”

“Well, I don’t kiss ass, no matter what… save for when I was facing down Nightmare Moon and was probably gonna die if I attacked her. Anywho, my Celly probably liked me because I just treated her like a pony and not some sorta deity. I don’t know a whole lot about my last reason, since I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the world, I think my Celly just liked me.” I will say it time and time again, I don’t know how the hell Celly likes me, or loves me, but I am more than grateful that she does love me so much.

“Also Celestia, my Celestia, sneezes and snores like a kitten and is plainly adorable… Oh, I’ve seen her prance around before. There is no fucking reason for somepony so dangerous to be the cutest mare I’ve ever seen.” I snorted. Now Princess Celestia was blushing at what I just said.

“You know,” Princess Celestia mused. “I see why your Celestia may enjoy your company now. That’s the first time I’ve seen anypony say to my face, in recent history, that they call me ‘adorable’.” She hummed. “Well, I suppose I shall take my leave to the mage tower; it’s time that I ask around and see if we cannot send you home. With how you speak of your ‘Celly’, you love her more than anything in the world, and you two have a foal?”

“I do. We adopted a kid named Button Mash, the best little unicorn I’ve ever met.”

“...Oh, you mean Sweetie Belle’s little friend?’ Rarity asked. “In our… ‘timeline’ he’s an earth pony and has a mother named Cream Heart here. He was an orphan in your world?”

“Was. I put an end to that real quick. The greatest pleasure and joy I take in my life back home is being able to raise that little rascal. And he adores me so much!” I let my head hang. Then I let it drop and hit the table, no matter how much it hurt when I did. “I don’t know how long it's been in my world since I left through that portal and I wish I didn’t. I said that I'd cook dinner for Celly and Button when I got home, and I don’t know if I can make good on my promise at this point.”

Luna immediately started hugging me. “SISTER, go to the Mage Tower this instant. We shall not be keeping a father that misses his wife and child away from them any longer!” I blinked. “What? I do not hate you, just the fact that you played me like a fiddle in that fight by doing nothing. I may not like you either, young stallion, but I know what it is like to miss home. If those morons back in the Mage Tower cannot find you a way home, then I shall.” She let go of me and started pushing Celestia out the door. “Now, we shall be off. My sister will be too polite, so I will be there to let those mages know how urgent this is!”

…

…

“And just like that, Luna proves to be my favorite pony, besides Celly, no matter the timeline. That’s insane.” I chuckled. Hopefully I can get a nice reprise from everything while the smart people find out how to open a portal for me to go home with. “I’m gonna go to the library and start drafting together something, something to make traveling through timelines easier. Hopefully I’ll get something. If not, then that’ll suck.” And then this will be the last time I go through any portal that Discord throws me in. or any portal that Discord had an influence in making.

“Well, I ain’t answering any more questions; I can’t stand seeing y’all," I started making my way to the door. “I’m gonna go find an apple tree or something and sit under it.”

“Hold it,” Rainbow Dash got in my way. “What did you mean by that?” She was now glaring up a storm at me.

“You mares work rather closely with the Princesses, just like y’all do back home. Y’all, back home, are close friends to me. To be frank, me seeing you guys is just reminding me what I’m missing out on. I’m beginning to realize that I miss chillin’ with Apple Jack at the bar, or playing Buck Ball with Big Mac. I miss Rainbow’s antics, or watching Fluttershy come further out of her shell. I miss Twilight, and she treated me horribly before she moved to Ponyville. I miss my Celly, and I miss my Lulu. So please, do refrain from speaking with me. Or better yet, is there anything going on here? Something I don’t know about? Just by chance?”

“No… nothing should be going on,” Twilight tilted her head. “Why?”

“Just wondering.” I turned and teleported out of the castle’s walls and started Sky Walking towards the guard’s training grounds. I hid my wings and noted… Solar Strike wasn’t here. In fact, he was nowhere to be seen. Oh well. One less pony to remind me that I miss my buddy. After I landed, I just laid under a tree and started watching the guards train. It was quite… Well, it was actually kinda relaxing. Just sitting back, watching the world move on without me. That’s how my own world was doing it right now, how both home and home were moving on without me. Time was a merciless god and would crush me and everypony I knew in time, and it would crush the fact that I even existed on Earth before I could blink…

I’m an alicorn.

I could ask questions about being an alicorn. Or, I could get some peace and quiet and hopefully take a nap.

And god damn do I need that nap.

“Are you off duty right now?” I blinked. I looked up to see… Shining Armor and Cadance. In a foal carrier, strapped to Cadance’s back was a light gray alicorn foal. Her big, joyful eyes watched me. Something I noted was just how much bigger her wings were for a foal of her age. Like they were a lot larger than Scootaloo’s, and possibly even bigger than Rainbow’s, and Rainbow was fully grown. I don’t know if this is just an alternate reality or sometime in the future and in an alternate reality. Either way, it’s Shining Armor and Cadance… Something is just plainly wrong.

The eyes.

Cadance’s eyes were always friendly, and warm, and looked at Shining Armor with so much love that it was insane. She always looked at me with almost the same amount of love, but in the same way that you’d look at a relative. Shining Armor was giving me the same look he’d give to his stallions when acting as a commanding officer, and not the friendly, blue eyes I’ve seen so many times before. The Cadance before me was just that, Princess Cadance with a foal. The Shining Armor in front of me was just Captain, and Prince, Shining Armor of the Royal Guard and Crystal Empire. Shining in particular was looking at me with… mild annoyance.

“No, I’m just some dude.”

“If you’re just some dude, you should consider yourself lucky that you haven’t gotten arrested for trespassing yet.”

I was laying completely flat on the ground on my stomach, and was trying to take a nap so I would stop thinking about my purpose on Equus, or depressing thoughts such as the passage of time. I had cracked one eye open when Shining Armor had first spoken up. I closed my eye and let out a long, withering sigh. As the air left my lungs, I laid flat on my side.

“That’s cool. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna already know I’m here, I’m just trying to kill time before they can find me a way home. You got a problem with me being here?”

“Don’t speak to me with that tone,” Shining Armor all but growled. “You will treat me with some respect.”

“Mmm,” I hummed. “Okay, can you let me nap in peace? This tree’s shadow is rather pleasant, and I could use some reprieve from everyday life. Or the nightmare that is this stupid adventure I’ve found myself in.”

“Oh please, you’re napping like-”

“I contemplated killing myself not even a few hours ago, man. I just wanna go home, and it seems hopeless. Some magical entity keeps tossing me in random, stupid, fucking timelines. I don’t know where the hell I am, I don’t know what the hell I am. I’ve lost one family before and I fear that I may lose another one. I coulda been fucking smart, stayed home, and cook dinner for my wife and my kid. Instead, I’m here, in another timeline where my wife barely knows who I am, you two were my niece and nephew by technicality and you’re threatening to arrest me for existing. I’ve seen worlds full of ponies I recognize, but aren’t the same as the ponies I know. The only thing keeping me alive right now is that there is one thing my kind do not do, and that is give up and die. I will find my way home, either through Celestia’s help, Discord deciding to have mercy, or I get pissed and hyperfixate on simplifying this stupid Portal spell that I never seem to have the time to study before getting tossed into another world.

“So sorry if I’m a little short of trying to be respectful and courtful. I’m a bit pissed off, a bit stressed out, and I’m trying to put myself to sleep so I can get some fucking peace and quiet. So kindly shut the fuck up, before I whoop your ass, Shining Sparkle Armor. And I really don’t want to; your wife and kid are right there. My dad’s dead, I know how much losing your dad sucks. I can’t imagine it’s anymore fun to watch your dad get his shit kicked in, is it?”

“...Shiny,” Cadance spoke up. “I think you should’ve let me do the talking. One of us is an empath, after all.” She laid down next to me after Shining backed off. Her foal managed to get out of the carrier. “So you have a lot on your mind,” she said, draping a wing over my back.

“Understatement of the year. Say, you know how to blow yourself up with magic? If I can’t go home, I may go do that somewhere and see if it makes the plants and animals grow faster or healthier or something. I don’t know.”

“Okay… you definitely have some problems…” Cadance cleared her throat. “Luckily, I did go to college and got a degree in psychology, so hopefully I can help you out.” I raised an eyebrow. “You are mentally… not stable. It seems like your entire emotional well being is based on the love you have for your foal and wife. Can you tell me about them?” She asked.

“So imagine your aunt, Princess Celestia.” I said.

“...You’re married to Princess Celestia?” Shining Armor asked. He was shut down by his angry wife.

“Another world’s Celestia. My world. My Celly. She, for the longest time, was my only friend and is my best friend, and my wife. I think it’d be pretty hard to consider somepony your wife if you didn’t at least consider them your best friend, eh?” I asked.

“You’re not wrong,” Cadance nodded. “So you’re married to Princess Celestia in your timeline…”

“God damn do I love her, Cadance. Holy hell, she cares about me so much and my well-being. She laid in the dirt and mud of a dinky little alleyway with me once, back when I was really awful at dealing with crowds. Before we were even dating, I was her personal student. She tried celebrating an achievement of mine, I can’t remember what, in public. It resulted in us getting swarmed by reporters and me panicking. She laid down in puddles and ruined her makeup just to comfort me. That… meant a lot. Given that she’s a princess, I’m surprised that she got herself dirty just to keep me from going insane.

“Once, she decided to get herself stuck on the sun after fighting Nightmare Moon and I tore her a new asshole for making me worry. We’re both a team, whether we like to agree or not. We actively force each other to take care of ourselves, since Celly tried working while sick, until I yelled at her, forced her back into bed and asked Luna to watch over the kingdom while I nursed my Celly back to health.” I smiled fondly. “She broke tradition at the Grand Galloping Gala, and wore a suit just because she wanted to see if I liked her in a suit… And also to piss the nobles off which was a fun bonus.” I shook my head and sighed.

“I want to go home and kiss her right on the lips.”

“...I can tell,” Cadance smiled. “You seem so genuinely in love with her and it’s adorable!” She was looking at me somewhat similarly to how my Cadance would, just not the same. She was looking at me the same way a good friend would. “Does your world have a Twilight, hmm?”

“It does, she’s not an alicorn back home, but god damn she is smart. And strong. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with her since she lives in Ponyville and I’d be hard pressed to somehow get Celly to move the nation’s capital to Ponyville instead of Canterlot.”

The two of us chatted throughout the afternoon, and honestly, I’ll give Cadance some credit; by the time I was done, I was happily resting my head on her shoulder, idly playing with her foal, who I’ve learnt was named Flurry Heart, and actually smiling at her little antics. I was told of Flurry’s… uncontrollable magic, so I might’ve stuck a ring on her horn, something that Cadance and Shining Armor were kinda shocked at.

“Why didn’t we think of that?” Shining asked. “That would’ve solved so many problems.”

“Because, you are bald,” I said in the most monotone voice that I could. “You’re so bald, Shining Armor.”

“...What?” he asked.

“Bald.” Ah, the Blood God would be proud of me for not spilling blood, but for calling a stallion bald.

As the evening rolled by, I walked into the dining hall with a nice, large bottle of whisky. Cadance and Shining Armor, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, and Twilight and her friends were already there. I was told to go to one of the larger dining halls tonight since everypony was here. This week was supposed to be a monthly little visit for Cadance and Shining Armor to spend some time with their aunt and aunt in law. I saw Celestia’s wings and it took everything in my power to not instantly slot in under there and snuggle under there.

Luckily, nopony caught my hesitation when choosing a spot to sit. I just sat in the middle of the table, or basically as far from everypony else as I could. I yanked the cork off my whisky with my teeth, before essentially incinerating it, and magicking away its ashes into some plant outside. I took a nice, large swig of it and simply remained seated. As much as Cadance did help, along with her kid, I just couldn’t be asked to actually be in a good mood today. It did feel good to get what I was feeling off my chest, even if what I felt in the moment didn’t really matter.

“So, Mr. Code,” Princess Celestia… Oh. Oh… That fucking hurts. Thanks, multiverse. Just had to make sure I heard Celly’s typical ‘trying to be polite to a random pony she just met’ voice. “I believe we may have a solution to your plight, but it is a very far fetched one.” I looked up from the book on portal magic I was reading through, and closed my Python Journal. “I think we could send you home if we sent a stable way to channel portal magic back to your home-world. The problem with that is… the only pony that knew how to do that, Starswirl the Bearded, had gone missing a thousand years ago.”

“All I’m hearing is a sugar coated way of saying ‘dun dun dun… You’re fucked!'” I threw my hooves in the air. “Fucking awesome.” I tapped the portal book before me. “This shit makes no goddamn sense; I can’t even begin to decode this shit and rework it into my own spell system, let alone cast it. I can theoretically cast any spell I want to; I need to be able to in order to work it into my own spell system. But this is a different breed of hard; not even my Twilight knew this shit and she’s a genius when it came to magic theory.” I grabbed the sides of my head. “Dude…” I groaned.

“Aight, I guess I’ll have to restart fresh in yet another new world, lucky me…” I raised my whisky. “To leaving family behind twice now! Woo!” I drained the bottle… “Fuck me; I don’t even have the bits to get anymore of this shit.” I grumbled. I took a long, deep breath. “So assuming Discord doesn’t feel sorry about me being stuck here, I’m probably gonna go build a log cabin out in the Everfree Forest and count the days before a pack of timberwolves eat me.”

“WHAT!?” Twilight asked. “You’re a male alicorn! The first one that anypony’s encountered… since forever! You could live lavishly-”

“I could survive, Twilight. My main reason to live was because of my son, and because of my Celly. I don’t have those in this world. My kid, ain’t even a unicorn in this world, and is already happily enjoying life. I don’t think I can find it in my heart to look at Celestia the same way I did with Celly. That would just be outright replacing what I lost; I am not fucking doing that. Not now, not ever. I don’t give a damn if me being an alicorn is important, or if I should be a prince, a princess, or whatever the hell. I don’t care.

“And if it sucks to hear that I want to die, imagine this. I was once a creature, a hairless ape called a human. I was living a comfortable, not amazing, but comfortable life. I had a mother, my father passed away, and I was watching my siblings for my mother while she was working. I had work, that wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible, and I lived comfortably. Now, imagine one day, I woke up in a hospital bed in a body that I’ve grown to hate with a passion. Oh yeah, and I woke up in another universe!” I laughed like an idiot. “Oh man, that was fun! I love losing my family.

“Now imagine this, because you wanted to study portal magic, as it’s the only slight possibility that I can see said family again, I get lost in the multiverse because the god of chaos likes fucking with me. Oh yeah, and before that happens, I meet a very, very lovely woman that I’ve grown to love and care about. We, through adoption, have a kid, and I have a sister in law. That's a delight. I’m an uncle, a father. And then I go through a portal to try and get an understanding of how the portal works.

“Then I’m here.” I took a deep breath. “So anyways, I’m just a little thin on wanting to stay alive, Twilight.” I took a deep breath. “God I wish I weren’t Irish; I’d at least would’ve drank myself to sleep after the first bottle.” I leaned back in my chair. “Stick to the cratur, the best thing in nature for sinking your sorrows-” my voice cracked as I swallowed a sob. “And raising your joys!” I slumped over in my chair. “Thank you, Princess,” I said, turning to Celestia and Luna. “For at least attempting to find a way to send me home. Thank you.” I sighed. “Sorry if I killed the mood this evening, but my mood’s kinda like a rabid dog. Good as dead.”

“You do not have to apologize,” Luna almost growled. “You were torn from your life twice. How could anypony here blame you?” She tilted her head. “If it makes you feel any better, I am trying to figure out how Starswirl made his magical portals to begin with.”

“Thank you,” I got up from my seat. “I’m gonna go sit on a balcony for a while. I just can't find an appetite right now. No, I’m not gonna jump, with my repertoire of ways of hitting the ground of missing, it probably wouldn’t do much.”

Several hours later my time alone was… interrupted by Twilight. “Howdy,” I said, staring out over Ponyville. A huge, tree-like castle loomed over the small, little town that I’ve come to know and love during my time on Equus. “I can guess why you’re here.” I pulled out my Python Journal and copied it. “You wanted to figure out how I was using half the spells that I was using, like Sky Walker, or even DragonFire?” I asked.

“...Yes I did. But I wasn’t coming to ask about that.” I handed her the book anyway. “I was coming to apologize about… making you snap earlier. You clearly had a lot on your table and-”

“It’s alright. If there’s one thing I don’t do, it’s holding grudges. Sometimes we all forget that everypony hurts, it’s not that big of a deal, Twi.” I shook my head and smiled. “Say, is that your castle down there?” I asked.

“It… is. Why?”

“Eh, just wondering. You live in Ponyville back home, and you’re not a princess, let alone an alicorn. Figured you were the one who owns that thing down there.”

The door cracked open and three more sets of hooves made my ears flick behind us. I knew who they were based on the magical signatures that just filled the room.

“Howdy,” I greeted. “How’s life going?” I asked.

“...We thought you jumped off and chose to let yourself hit the ground,” Celestia motioned to me. “As much as I can’t say that I love you, or anything like that, let alone come to love you, I don’t like the idea of anypony committing suicide. I’ve seen it happen enough that I…”

“Meh, I know. Celly’s the same way. Got on me for even mentioning killing myself as a joke. Suicide, and joking about death, isn’t something very… accepted in pony society as I’ve found out.” I shrugged. “Why are y’all awake? Running the country ain’t that easy, and you should all be asleep by now. Save Luna since she’s nocturnal.” Like a dork.

“We are putting off our royal duties until we find you a way back home.” Celestia laid down beside me and laid a wing over me. “You could use some comfort, I think.”

…

It’s better than nothing at least.

The next morning, since we all slept on the balcony, I was awakened by a sudden spike in magic. I blinked a few times and jumped out from under Princess Celestia’s wings. Everypony present leaped to their hooves. We all started looking around, Celestia and Luna had their horns lit. A portal opened up and Discord got slammed down into the balcony. Somehow, it didn’t give way to the God of Chaos being smashed into it. We all blinked a few times.

“Discord?” Twilight asked. “What are you-”

“SAVE ME!” Discord tried scrambling behind us. “Source, your wife is crazy! I told her I was only teaching you how to use portal magic and she started attacking me! Please save me!” Wait. What?

“What the heck are you on about? Ain’t you still a statue back home?” I asked.

“I wasn’t. I was just pretending so I could relive the time me and Fluttershy became friends; I hold that moment closely to my heart. Anyways, please-”

“YOU BETTER HAVE BROUGHT ME TO WHERE YOU SENT CODE YOU STUPID, OVERGROWN, BUCKING SNAKE! YOU BETTER HAVE OR I WILL SHOVE THE ELEMENT OF MAGIC SO FAR UP YOUR REAR END THAT YOU’LL BE WALKING CROOKED FOR EONS!” Celly, I sensed my Celly. She came blasting through the portal, her mane was on fucking fire. She glared at Discord, she looked around and stopped. “Oh, hello everypony, have you ever seen a blue and yellow alicorn stallion that goes by Source Code? If not, have you seen a creature known as Discord? He owes me my husband.” Her eyes landed on me.

“Oh! Source!” She flew down to me and gently landed, her mane and tail stopped being on fire. “I believe you were in good hooves around here? Don’t worry, dinner hasn’t started yet. Discord just stopped by for a friendly little visit, and told me what he was doing with you. I’m not mad at you either; if things went as they should’ve, you would’ve gone in that portal, dealt with whatever was on the other side, and then be back home in a flash. But no. Somepony had to send you across the multiverse apparently.” She lifted up the Element of Magic. “Discord…” She sang. “Come here! This is only going marginally up your rear end, not wedged all the way up there!”

Holy shit, Celly being aggressive is hot. Literally. Celly grabbed Discord and planted a kiss on my forehead. “I will spare your rear end the reckoning of a lifetime if you send us home to the right timeline!”

“Okay, okay! Please just stop trying to torch me alive!” Discord said from underneath Princess Celestia.

“...We could control Discord through pain?” She asked.

“Oh yes, you can,” my Celly answered. “Of course, you need to find the right means,” I now noticed that she had a hammer, just a simple, yellow handled hammer. “Sometimes being unreasonably, though righteously angry, is enough to make Discord fear you.” She glared at the god of Chaos. “Now, open the portal home; don’t think I won’t notice you casting the wrong type of portal; you made the mistake of telling me how to tell which portal goes where.” Discord nodded and snapped his fingers… Only to get hit with a hammer anyways. He was out cold. “Come along, dear. I…” She hummed. “Nevermind, you look like you were borderline stressed out. That's putting it lightly. Come, I shall make sure you are nice and relaxed.” I took note of this world’s magical signature just incase I ever needed to come back here.

“Thank fucking god, for you, Celly. Thank god.” I hopped up next to her. “Hey Princess Celestia, be careful of Sunflower Patches; you might find somepony you love. Or don’t be wary of Sunflower Patches. You deserve some love to, y’know!” I stepped into the portal with my Celly. I casted a diagnostic spell as we flew past. There was one of these little worlds, one, with no magic whatsoever. Just like how the dirt on Earth was.

“So, I would like to hear about your day,” Celly said as she guided me through the multiverse towards our home.

“...God, my day was fucking awful. On another note, have you ever considered getting purple boots?” I asked.

Author's Note

Nothing keeps an angy alicorn away from her husband. nothing.