Princess I Shrunk The Human - also there’s an an army of spiders under my house

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 6921

It’s Anon’s day off. Twilight abuses this by testing spells on him. Also spiders.

Huzzah! It’s Anonymous’ day off! What glory it is to be free of any duties, and spending his free time goofing off with his buds!

What’s that? He’s bored? That simply will not do! Time to go visit Twilight, where nothing bad every happens and spells definitely absolutely never go wrong!

Published 2024-04-06 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-11 08:27:45 UTC

It’s Got Spiders, Spiders, and Even Spiders!

Author's Note

The Rothschildren have deleted the first chapter. I was so proud of it too. Give me time to fix this. Sorry my fellow thugs.

Will edit this chapter further after it’s fixed. I am very stupid. Please be patient.

I guess you could say the chapter got shrunk.

It’s Got Spiders, Spiders, and Even Spiders!

“Y’know, for some reason I’ve come to the realization that you’d look sick as hell in a funny little hat or something.” Anon grunts, holding the small spider in his hands how one might a burger. Despite his disgustingly hairy body, far too many legs, sharp fangs and ungodly amount of eyes, the man would admit the thing’s awed expression was… at the bare minimum, inoffensive.

“Funny… little hat?” Mew squeaks, limp in the human’s hands. Seemingly unbothered by being held, and simply letting himself droop within his grasp.

Anon nods. “Yessir. Funny little hats can make even the scariest of monsters into goobers.” Then he drops Mew onto the floor, where he plants softly onto the plush webbing below, before immediately racing back up Anon’s leg and shoulder. Hopping up and down until Anon palms him into his hands again and repeats the process.

At least it was something mindless to do. As he thought about how strange his day had turned out.

“WHAT IS… A GOOBER?” Betty is almost too big for the little alcove they were in. Nearly scraping against the ‘ceiling’ even as she lay on the floor.

“The pillars of any decent society, and the most powerful individuals in a caste based social ladder. But that’s besides the point.” Anon snorts. “So spider webs huh?” He pats the ‘bedding’ he was sitting on after letting Mew flop onto the ground once again. Even if the webbing reminded him that he was in fact in a spider’s den, and that made him want to curl up into a ball, the material practically glittered in opulence. The thick strands so plush it actually reminded him of silk… not even his bed was this soft. “What’s the deal with this stuff?”

“SPIDER SILK… THIS IS ONE OF MANY ROOMS WHERE IT IS PRODUCED. MY CHILDREN PREFER RESTING HERE AS OPPOSED TO THE DAMP STONE.”

“Fair enough. You did say you’d take me somewhere more comfortable.” Anon hums before crying out as Mew crawls up his back instead of his side. “Don’t DO that!” He shakes at the skin crawling revulsion.

“Sorry…” Mew whines, chittering sadly into Anon’s ear.

“R-right… just don’t crawl up me when I’m not paying attention. Scares the shit outta me…” Anon huffs, trying to regain a steady breathing pattern.

“Okay… can… can we still play?” Mew asks quietly.

Anon gulps dryly before begrudgingly picking Mew up again. He shakes his head, before a small bemused smile eventually finds its way on his face. “You’re easily entertained, you know that?”

“This is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life!” Mew wriggles his body and legs in excitement, which makes Anon drop him in fear.

“Ugh…” Anon itches his neck in discomfort. “Not too much movement, Mew.” He mutters.

“Sorry, again…” And so Mew goes back to sitting limp the next time he’s held.

“WHAT WILL BE YOUR PLAN ONCE YOU’VE SEEN ALL WE HAVE TO OFFER?”

“Well…” Anon purses his lips. “I’m sure Twilight is freaking out right now… so I’ll probably need to get back home. However I’ll accomplish that.” He adds with a mutter.

“You… you want to leave?”Mew pauses on the floor instead of climbing, staring up at Anon in wide, sad eyes. “You won’t leave forever right?”

Anon would prefer to never look back if he had the choice. But there was guilt in that desire. If his hosts wanted to eat him, they would’ve done it awhile ago. Maybe he was being unfair. “Well… I’m sure I can still visit. But I would have to find away out of here first.”

“WE HAVE MANY WAYS TO RETURN YOU TO THE SURFACE.”

“Word?”

“WE HAVE TUNNELS THAT CONNECT TO MANY HOMES ABOVE THE SURFACE.”

“Jesus fucking Christ how horrifying.”

“MY CHILDREN AND I ENJOY WATCHING THE PONIES ABOVE. THEY LIVE INTERESTING LIVES.”

“So uh… you ever watch me before?”

“NO. I DO BELIEVE TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU.”

“Well I do live on the outskirts….” Anon shrugs.

“WE COULD BUILD A TUNNEL TO YOUR PLACE OF REST… FOR EASY ACCESS.”

“NO! No, haha… I’m good.” Anon gulps. “Please don’t.”

“HMPH. IF YOU INSIST.”

“But then we could visit whenever we wanted!” Mew jumps on Anon’s shoulder. “How will we do that if we don’t build a tunnel?”

“You don’t, that’s the point…” Anon mutters.

“I AM SURE HE HAS HIS REASONS, LITTLE MEW.” Betty makes a sound very similar to a hum. “HAVE YOU RESTED WELL ENOUGH, ANON?”

“Huh? Oh, I guess…”

“GOOD, I WISH TO PROPERLY INTRODUCE YOU TO THE REST OF MY CHILDREN. IM SURE THEY’LL BE LESS OVERBEARING NOW THAT THEY’VE FED ON SOME MUSHROOMS.”

“Shit… I almost forgot that there were more of you.”

Time has made a fool of Celestia many times. Such is the way of longevity. You may mature; wisen with experience and learn to play the game, but the rules you spent so long dancing around were not consistent. Planning can only take you so far… analyzing behavior can only take you so far. Because at the end of the day, you cannot always truly understand what lay ahead of you in a world dictated by chance. You will fail, no matter how much time you’ve dedicated to making sure mistakes didn’t happen. Sometimes, you experience a first. And you are reminded that despite existing for so long, there is still much to learn.

So what lesson does this provide?

A home vanishes. Seemingly carved from exist itself; no warning, no conceivable explanation. So why?

“Could this be… Tirek’s doing?” Luna hisses a whisper, eyebrows knit deeply. A scowl on her face as she seemingly attempts to burn the anomaly with her gaze alone. As if it may wither under her gaze and make sense.

“Tirek takes the magic of individuals,” Both sisters stand next to one another. The cornered off section of what was once the library had been contained by their military. Celestia has a similar expression on her face as she breathes deeply through her nose. “Surely if he was powerful enough to do this we’d have already seen battle. He is anything but patient.” The pit radiated a strange aura that only made her more unnerved the longer they stood near it. “It cannot be Tirek…”

“How can you be so sure, sister?” Luna mutters.

“My magic doesn’t fizzle; it doesn’t drain. Luna, it dies.” Celestia shivers. “There’s nothing there. No resistance. No barrier. No pull to coerce my magic away. But you can feel it can’t you? This… whine.”

“There has to be an explanation. We have come across many a dead zone in the past. Perhaps this one is simply stronger? Harder to push against?”

“Try to reach out.” Celestia nods to the crater.

Luna raises a brow, looking to her side. “Sister?”

“Reach out. You’ll see.”

Luna shuffles, before turning her head back to the crater. She closes eyes in deep concentration, and her horn begins to glow. Bright energy ebbs from her consciousness, invisible to the naked eye as it pushes forward. But as the extensions of herself gets closer, wading through the dormant energy much like one might swim through a body of water, something feels… wrong. She grits her teeth. Bitting down a sudden spike of anxiety as she felt…

Nothing.

One moment her magic is sifting through a strange void, and the next, it’s as if she never even used it in the first place. It wasn’t a severing of the connection, as much as she’d simply forgotten the connection.

Luna flinches back. “What manner of…?”

“I dare not risk one of our ponies stumbling into this… void. I shiver to imagine what it would do.” Celestia glares. “Although I’m hesitant to use the elements of harmony.”

Luna lowers her head, eying her sister as she speaks in a low tone. “Spike has not been found?”

“No, and neither has Anonymous.”

“And you think this thing is to blame?”

“Yes, I do. But if we destroy it…”

“We may never see them again.”

Celestia breathes deeply. “I pray that will not come to pass.”

“I’m at a lost, sister… what do we do?” Luna mutters. This situation was as strange as it was frightening.

“Remiss as I am to say this, but perhaps Discord could be of help.” Celestia sighs. “Bending the rules of nature is what he’s good at. At the mean time. May I ask a favor of you?”

Luna nods.

“Twilight needs to occupy herself. This whole troubling event—she blames herself. Could you show her Starswirl’s personal studies? Perhaps we may even get lucky and stumble upon something regarding… this.”

Luna smiles sadly. “His personal studies? You do want her occupied.”

Celestial returns the sad smile. “I need to think of what to say say to her, if I cannot fix this.” Her feathers ruffle and her eyebrows furrow.

Was it just her, or was the grass surrounding the crater growing… duller?

“THIS ONE IS GERTRUDE.”

“Hey… buddy.”

“SHE IS MUTE.”

“Oh.”

Gertrude waves.

Anon waves back and snickers. “Hello Gert.” Before she suddenly skitters behind Betty. Showing very little of herself as she leans out from behind her mother.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“SHE IS SKITTISH.” Betty clicks. Before pointing a single hairy leg at another spider. “THIS IS CLEM.”

“Heh, I don’t even need to shorten their name!”

“Clem.”

“Uh… yes, hello Clem.”

“Clem.”

“HE SPEAKS ONLY WITH THE WORD CLEM.”

“Clem.”

“Did… you name him Clem because it’s the only thing he can say?”

“Clem.”

“I MAY HAVE.”

“I’M LEVITICUS,” The largest baby spider, about the same height as Celestia, cuts in seemingly unable to hold still. “THE GREATEST MC TO EVER HAVE HER GRIP ON THE MIC.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna call you Levi from now on.”

“SHIET DOG, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE CHILL LIKE THAT.”

“LEVI IS MY ELDEST. SHE WILL BE QUEEN ONE DAY.”

Leviticus preens under the attention. “WE DO QUEENLY SHIT UP IN THIS BITCH, CUH.”

“Why… why does she talk like that?”

“LEVI IS… GIFTED. THE OOZE SPEAKS TO HER, AND SHE’S ABLE TO LISTEN. IT HAS FOREVER EFFECTED HER WAY OF SPEECH.”

“What does it tell her?”

“IT SHARES ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE OF A TIME LONG SINCE PASSED. ONLY SHE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS BEING SAID.”

“I CAN MAKE AN ORANGE RYME WITH BANNA.”

“Really?”

“BOOOORNANA.”

Anon gasped in surprise. “How did you do that?!”

Betty points again. “THIS ONE IS JULIUS.”

“Hello. I’m Julius.” He speaks in a deep and dull tone.

“…so what’s your character trait gimmick?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“JULIUS IS THE GREATEST SILK SPINNER OF MY ENTIRE BROOD.”

“I can spin you a sweater if you’d like.”

“Uh, I’m good. Thanks for the offer.”

“I will spin you a sweater.” Julius’ tone grows dark.

“Why did you say that like it’s a threat?!”

“SO, YOU’VE MET SOME OF MY CHILDREN, HOW ABOUT THE REST?” Betty places a leg on a web and pulls it back, before letting it snap back into place. Where it warbles like sheet metal bending back and forth.

A rumble seems to shake the cave. Before hundreds of familiar baby spiders emerge from the many holes in the cave, and quickly surround the group.

“hello again not food, hello again not food, hello again not food!” They all say in unison.

“We finished eating our delicious mushrooms!” A tiny voice shouts triumphantly, unaware of the many bombastic side-eyes that were sent their way. However their brothers and sisters are cowed by Betty, who narrows her eyes to scrutinize their movements. This spider would not be jumped… this time.

Betty nods to Anon. “AS YOU CAN SEE, QUITE A FEW MORE.”

“Damn.”

Anon was probably gonna be here for hours.

Get Shrunk

Author's Note

Nothing bad EVER happened here, but if it hypothetical WERE to have happened, it is now fixed.

Get Shrunk

Anon hates Mondays. Say what you want about that orange cat back home and his poor eating habits, but he was right when it came to the terrible no good day that was Monday.

So of course it was the day Anon had off from his job. He doesn’t get Sunday’s off anymore, not after what he did to Celestia’s birthday cake. Thus!the day didn’t really feel like a free one. Usually he didn’t mind a day off, especially in a place like Ponyville, where it seemed like every single godforsaken pony was trying to kill him.

Okay maybe not literally kill him. They’re far too innocent for that. But most days, especially when The Mane Six were around, things tended to go fuck tit sideways.

But it’s always worse on Mondays.

It’s such a shame then, that 90% of Anon’s friend group is The Mane Six and now all his days off work are on a Monday. An apt punishment and dastardly move by Celestia. She meant to seriously limit the amount of fun he could have. At least the kind of fun that wouldn’t end in catastrophe.

But Anon loves to tempt fate. If fate was sticking it to Celestia. You think he’s scared of that oversized dove?! She might’ve not made the punishment permanent—and he would've, if he was her—but Anon curses the broad anyways.

“Hey Fluttershy,” Anon slams the door to said timid pegasus’ home open. “You wanna hang… out?”

Fluttershy was dangling from her ceiling. By the neck. Her fur looked more akin to Twilight’s at the moment.

“Uh…” Anon blinks rapidly. “You good bruh?”

The Pony’s shut eyes suddenly open, and she’s waving at him. “Oh hi Anon, I’m just strengthening my neck muscles. Berry the Bear gets handsy sometimes.” She hums. “What do you need?”

There’s a drooling, quite hungry looking bear in the corner of the house. Staring at Anon. Was he licking his chops?

Anon gulps. “Oh I was just… checking up on you ha ha, I’m—gonnagonow!” He exits the house, slamming his back against the door to close it. He sighs.

Twilight’s house it was.

Why does he even bother?

Twilight, once again, abused Anon’s free time by testing some kind of spell on him. Oh it’ll be just a small spell, this time!’ AndIt’s nothing serious!’

It never ends well, and yet Anon said ‘yes’ to her. He always said yes to her. He knew what the outcome would be. They always ended with something screwy happening…

Secretly, he hoped one spell might give him super powers or something. But no. He’d get blasted by Twilight and find something on or in himself that had been changed. Maybe it was a change in eye color, or a different pitch in voice… one time it even changed him into a pony.

Anon still shivers from that day.

But this? This was far more demeaning.

“YOU’RE SO CUTE!” The now massive Twilight said, letting out a loud squee as she looked down at Anon. Nearly bursting his eardrums.

She fucking shrank him. And now his sense of hearing was fucked because of it. Her voice sounding like Smaug mid transition.

He couldn’t believe this.

“I’m not cute Twilight, I’m a badass human who doesn’t take shit from nobody!” Anon shouts as angrily as he can. But to the purple unicorn, he’s just screeching in a tiny high pitched voice. “And your voice is hurting my ears!”

Twilight’s grin widened, before she let out another warble and began to hold her cheeks with her hooves.

“OH CELESTIA, YOUR VOICE IS ADORABLE!” She giggles, and it sounds like rocks bumping and grinding against each other.

Anon grits his teeth. ’Why does god hate me so much that he would force something so cruel upon my mortal soul? I only stole candy from a baby like once! And even then, at least I wasn’t kicking dogs!’ He crosses his arms indignantly. He was not cute. He looks away from her and let out what was supposed to be annoyed huff, but it just came out like another squeak.

She pranced in place, the earth rumbling below her hooves. “OH, WE HAVE TO SHOW THE OTHERS!”

Anon freezes, stiffening. He could feel a dread start to work it’s way in his very soul.

Hell. No. he will NOT allow this. He would rather die. If Rainbow Dash or Applejack saw him like this he’d never hear the end of it.

He snaps his head towards her and growls, straightening his back as he tries to appear as threatening as he could—as threatening as a miniature green man could be—and yelled up towards the purple pony.

“I’ll kill you!” Any effect his shout might’ve had was lost once his voice broke. ”Damnit.” He mutters.

Twilight looked like she was about to burst into laughter. “OH REALLY?” She playfully mock. Before picking Anon up with her magic and bringing him closer. “COME WITH ME, RARITY HAS TO SEE THIS!”

…

’FUCK’

She grinned again. “MAYBE YOU AND HER CAN PLAY DRESS UP!”

NO.

she placed Anon on her back. Where he immediately ran up her neck passing her head and onto her snout.

Twilight went cross eyed while trying to look at him.

“You’ll never take me alive!” He starts punching her nose. Where she immediately sneezes and tosses him across the room.

Anon felt the wind squeal past by his ears before it abruptly stopped, forcing the air from his lungs. His heart told him that he shouldn’t do that again. Screaming at him through the racing blood in his ears.

Anon was thankful something caught him. That something being the couch. But his thankfulness wanes as he begins to slowly sink between its thick cushions. And his terror increases ten fold. ’What if there were spiders underneath the cushions?’ He starts to scream, flailing his arms around as he did so.

“Twilight!” Anon bellowed, sinking deeper. “Please don’t let the couch eat me!”

“ANON?!” The purple sneeze machine gasped. “ANON HOLD ONTO SOMETHING!” She plods her way to the little man as quickly as she can.

“Just use your magic!” Anon squeals, his grip on the cushions rapidly deteriorating. “Please for the love of god don’t let this couch vooooore meeeeee-“ His fingers fail him.

“ANON!” Twilight shouts.

But he was already gone from her sight.

*”Oof!”* Human extraordinaire, Anonymous, finds his ass planted on the spongy inside of the couch’s linen lining. Muted, he could hear Twilight outside. He grunts, looking around, and quickly finding the whole place rather cozy. “Well this isn’t so bad, actually-“

And then the linen snaps and he falls. Again.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHH-“ Anon suddenly coughs and clears his throat. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Then he runs out of breath this time and takes another deep breath before continuing to scream once more. “AAAAAHHHHHH, AAHH, AAAAaaahh, AAAAAAHHHH! Shit man this isn’t suppose to go this far down, right?”

Anon was absolutely correct, the couch did not go down that far.

But the secret spider tunnel that sat under it, did.

Twilight tears the cushions away with her magic, before her eyes widen. “Anon?” Pupils dart everywhere, but there’s no sign of her human friend. Then she spots the tear that led deeper. “Anon, are you ok?!” He must have fallen to the bottom, she just had to lift the couch and he should just be sitting there. Right?

Her horn flashes. And the entire couch has lifted.

No sign of Anon. She looks up confused. There, the tear went all the way through. She shakes it a little, but nothing. “A-anon? Where are you?” She begins to panic. Once again shes scanning the floor, looking for any sign-

And she spots the hole in the floor. It was definitely big enough for Anon to have fallen into it.

He was gone. And it was her fault.

Twilights ears press to her skull. “I-I need to send a letter the princess.” And she winces. “Oh this is just the worst…” How does one explain to a princess that an endangered species fell through the floor due to a spell gone awry? The pony’s head droops. Shamefully. She assumed.

“Man it really goes down, doesn’t it?” Anon whispers. His back facing the seemingly never ending void, the light above since diminished. The air continues to rush past his ears, and it’s so loud it almost hurts. He allows his mind to wander. Where did the hole come from? Why was it in Twilight’s library? Did it even end, or would he end up getting as close the planet’s core possible, before melting? Didn’t pony hell exist? Was that where this hole led?

Anon sighs internally. ‘Well, at least the fall is definitely terminal. I would hate to cripple myself horrifically and be stuck underground with no light.’ He shivered. Then again maybe he would freeze to death. The swooshing air was getting pretty chilly… hey, was it getting brighter?

Blinding light! Anon’s arms come to cover his eyes. Guess he’d been falling long enough for his eyes to adjust to the pitch black. ‘Wow, who turned on the sun?’ What was once a narrow hole seemingly leading to the centre of the earth opened up into a massive cave, lit with hundreds if not thousands of glowing mushrooms. Some pretty gnarly stalactites too… oh, hello rapidly approaching sharp looking cave floor! Panicking, the human starts to enter a spin, twisting helplessly in the air as his doom gets closer and closer.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH- *Oof!*” The breath is suddenly driven from Anon’s lungs, as something… breaks his fall? Swaying hard enough to feel sick, the man feels as if he’s been caught by a hammock of some kind… but despite the jostling of his fall, it was like he was stuck to it. “Huh…” He stares up to the sky. “I’m… I’m alive?” Beginning to laugh he feels his body begin to tremble. “I’m alive! I’m alive! Ha ha! Oh man that was almost bad… guess I better see where I am.”

But in trying to stand, Anon realizes he was stuck to the hammock. “What the-“

Suddenly, a harrowing skittering began to echo all over the cave.

It is then in terror, looking to the side, Anon realizes the ‘hammock’ is a massive spider web. “No. No. No, no, no, no no no NO!” Desperately trying to free himself, the sound gets closer and closer. “C’mon. C’mon!” He squeaks, fingers clawing at the material at his back. But freedom never came by his own hands.

*RIIP.*

With a gasp, Anon falls a few more inches onto the hard ground. Breathe driven from his lungs as his back strikes stone. He winces in pain, but knows he has no time to rest. There was something here, chattering ahead of him. And his body is drenched in cold sweat as he slowly looks up. Shivering as a multitude of sharp, spindly legs give way to course hair and a blackened body. And then—

Eyes.

“…HELLO THERE.” It awkwardly clicks.

Anon feels his blood run cold. He whines.

The monster from his worst nightmare blinks its eyes, but not all at once, it’s like a wave. Sending revulsion through the human.

“Ah… ah… ah…” Anon gapes like a fish. “Oh my fucking GOD!” He screeches, kicking against the floor as he drags himself away from the creature. Survival instincts howling at him to get away.

“BE NOT AFRIAD.” The behemoth arachnid bellows, and it’s enough to make Anon’s whole body shudder. The voice was like spilt tar slipping over shattered tarmac. Rough and oily.

Anonymous wheezes. “This is the scariest moment of my life!” Where he then begins to hyperventilate. “P-Please don’t eat me. Please don’t eat me!”

The massive fuck off spider skitters into Anon’s personal space within the blink of an eye, towering over him. He shrieks and throws his hand out, as if to protect his face from the monster. “PLEASE DONT EAT ME!”

“BE NOT AFRIAD-“

“PLEASE DONT EAT ME!”

“BE NOT AFRIA-“

“PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!”

“BE NOT AF-“

“PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!”

“BE NOT-“

“PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!”

“BE-“

“PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!”

“…”

Over a dozen eyes stare at Anon, unblinking. The beast is frozen still.

“…”

Two trembling eyes brimming with tears stare back, which shouldn’t be possible considering Anon didn’t really have a face.

“…”

“BENOTAFRAID?” The spider quickly blurts out.

“WAHHHHH!” Anon starts ugly crying.

“WE… WE MEAN YOU NO HARM-“

“WAAAAAAAAAHHH!” Snot starts to slowly drip to the cave floor.

“PLEASE STOP… PLEASE STOP YOU ARE FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN!” The spider trembles in disgust. “AND THE LIQUID POURING OUT OF YOU IS QUITE GROSS.”

Anon sobs. “You’re frightening me!”

“I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING!”

“You’re standing there, menacingly!”

“THIS IS JUST HOW I STAND.”

Suddenly there are more skittering. As quick as the eye can see, a dozen smaller—still giant—spiders crawl out of the many holes in the cave walls and congregate behind the larger one.

“mother, mother, mother!” Their scruffy voices all hiss in unison. “who is this invader?”

This makes Anon curl up into a ball and rock back and forth. ThiscantbehappeningrightnowohmygodtheyregonnafuckINGEATME!” He squeals. “WAAAA- gah, WAAH, *hiccup* AAHHH! *hic* Guh, WAaaahh!” His voice warbles, pathetically.

“HE IS A POOR LOST SOUL, HE’S… UH… JUST A TAD BIT FRIGHTENED. DO NOT FEAR-“

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

“easy food, easy food, easy food?” Their voices echo by the hundreds.

“NOooo!” Anon’s voice cracks in fear. God, he really was just a fountain of tears wasn’t he? “Pleaaasee!”

The spider stomps one of its many legs onto the stone below. “THERE WILL BE NO EATING THIS LITTLE CREATURE. IT HAS BEEN DECREED!”

They all chitter sadly. “yes mama, yes mama, yes mama.”

“HE IS A GUEST.”

“yes mama, yes mama, yes mama.”

“YOU WILL NOT EAT HIM.”

“yes mama, yes mama…” Their voices slow and grow quieter.

“NOT EVEN A NIBBLE.”

“…yes mama.” The army of spiders seem to mope suddenly.

“NOW APOLOGIZE FOR SCARING HIM.”

“sorry, easy food.”

“HE IS NOT FOOD.”

“yes mama, yes mama, yes mama.”

“NOW APOLOGIZE. TRULY, THIS TIME.”

“sorry, not food.”

“THAT IS BETTER.” The Queen Spider seems to nod, before leering back at the near catatonic human. “YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED, GREEN CREATURE.”

“Ah, ah… a-are you sure?”

“YES.”

“You promise?”

“YES.”

“Pinkie promise?”

“YES.”

“S-say it then. Pinkie promise.”

“…HOW DOES ONE PINKIE PROMISE?”

Anon numbly does through the motions. Like some kind of ritual he’s practiced a thousand times. “Swear on my heart, hope to fly.” He gestures to his face. “Stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS.”

“Just say it!”

“THIS IS NOT A HEX, IS IT?”

“N-no?”

“WHY DO YOU SOUND UNSURE?” She chitters. “ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO DECEIVE ME?”

“No, I-I promise!”

“DO YOU PINKIE PROMISE?”

“Uh…”

The spider stomps.

“Pinkie promise!” Anon squeaks.

“DO THE RITUAL.”

“C-cross my heart, hope to fly,” Anon goes through the motions again. “Stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Nothing happens. Although if you listened closely, you might’ve heard a giggle.

“…FINE.” She clicks. “I PINKIE PROMISE NONE OF MY BROOD WILL CONSUME AND OR TAKE CHUNKS OUT OF YOU.” And then she starts to mimick the humans previous emotive movement. “CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO FLY. STICK A CUPCAKE IN MY EYE.”

Anon shudders in small relief. “Thanks…” He mutters.

“NOW WE MUST GO.”

“Go, uh, where?”

“NOT HERE. THIS IS OUR FEEDING GROUND. THE LONGER YOU STAY IN THIS AREA, THE MORE… ANTSY MY CHILDREN MAY BECOME. THEY WOULD NEVER DISOBEY ME. BUT IM SURE YOU’D PREFER SOMEWHERE MORE COMFORTABLE.” Suddenly the spider snaps around. “STOP STARING AT HIM, IT CLEARY MAKES HIM ANXIOUS!”

The little army of spiders chitter nervously, some of of them look amongst themselves, confused. ”look where else, look where, look where?”

“NOT AT HIM- AUGH, MY CHILDREN I ASK THAT YOU FIND SOME MUSHROOMS TO CONSUME IN THE MEANTIME, LEAVE US BE!” She points in a random direction.

In unison, all the spiders sigh. “mushrooms again, mushrooms again, mushrooms again.” But one voice in the back squeaks, cutting through the rest, “I love mushrooms!” Cleary, this one was far younger than the rest. Remiss to the cruelty of the world. Sensing this one’s mistake, all the other spiders zero in on the offending voice and swarm the speaker. There’s nothing left of them when the smoke clears.

“WHAT I HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT GANGING UP ON YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS?!” Queen Spider roars. “ENOUGH, ENOUGH! BEGONE! NOTHING BUT MUSHROOMS FOR THE NEXT MONTH!”

“awww…” They all whine, before quickly zooming into the many holes and pits all around the cave.

Anon feels like he’s about to have an anxiety attack.

FORGIVE ME. THEY MEAN WELL, BUT ARE EASILY EXCITED. NOW…” The behemoth spider moves slowly as if to not scare the human. Either way, he blanches as she leans forward, leering at him with those big eyes. “HOW ABOUT A TOUR OF MY CAVE?!” She suddenly wriggles excitedly. “I NEVER HAVE GUESTS!” The coo that escapes her sounds like a thousand rats screaming at once.

“U-uh… sure?”

“HAZZUH!”

Princess Celestia blinks slowly. Once, twice—nay—thrice. “…you what?” She breathed. Gobsmacked. Bemused. Frazzled.

“I… I shrunk the human.”

“And then he fell through a hole… in your library?”

The purple pony sat dejected at the table with her teacher, ears dropping sadly. Eyes staring into the cold tea that rested in her cup, untouched. “…yes.”

“Twilight… this is troubling news.”

“Yeah.”

Celestia closes her eyes and takes a deep breath; despite her clam expression, her ethereal mane jerks behind her as if thrashing out in anger. “If he is harmed, and forgive me for being blasé, it would be your fault.”

Twilight hunches lower. “Y-yeah…”

“Not only would it would be your fault, I had made a promise to keep him accommodated; safe in your hooves. A royal promise. Not only will this reflect poorly on you, it will reflect poorly on me. Should anything terrible happen.”

“…”

“Anonymous is the only of his kind.”

“…”

“His race will be extinct if, Faust forbid, he perishes.”

“…”

“Twilight. My perfect student. My pride; my joy. This is a really bad predicament we’ve found ourself in.” Celestia’s left eye twitches as she opens both. “He must be found.” Of course, she had to play it off as if she was simply upset that an innocent, nearly extinct member of a species was in danger, which wasn’t a hard part to play because she was. But she internally screamed as her plans were now set onto a rocky foundation.

Twilight becoming the root cause of an endangered species’ demise was not a skeleton Celesita wanted her student to have inside her closet, especially right when she was on the cusp of succeeding her as ruler. Not that she knew that yet.

“I will be returning to Ponyville with you to help in your search.”

“Y-yes princess!”

“Then allow us to commence forth.” The princess stands. “With haste, my student. This situation must be handled with utmost care.”

Celestia would never admit that Anon owing her a birthday cake may have also been a key motivation.

The Ooze

The walk was… odd to say the least. It would seem that the place Anon had fallen into was one of many caverns and tunnels. And if he thought that the previous ‘room’ was big, the area outside dwarfed it. Larger mushrooms, more spider webs, and movement from all around proving that were in fact more spiders.

He shudders involuntarily. Never did he think he’d be sticking close to what was essentially a titan tarantula born from the imagination of a schizophrenic’s sleep paralysis for safety. Gulping dryly, he mutters. “Where are we going?”

“THE GREAT OOZE.”

“The what?” He squawks.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SHARE OUR GREAT GIFT WITH ANYONE, OH I’M OVERJOYED! IT IS SO DREADFULLY BORING DOWN HERE.” Queen spider seems to think out loud to herself, not really paying him much mind.

“You’re not gonna put me into the… ooze, right?” Anon chuckles nervously, eyes flickering every once and while to the movement outside his peripheral vision.

“OH NO, PERISH THE THOUGHT MY GREEN GUEST!” Queen spider gasped as if scandalized, the hair on her body bristling. She pauses to look back at Anon, movement slow as to not scare him. “THE OOZE IS EXIT ONLY.”

“…exit only?”

“Twilight?”

“Oh? Yes Princess?”

The princess and her student are within the confines of the royal carriage, on route to Ponyville. When Celestia frowns suddenly. Eyebrows knitting in concentration.

“How many ponies have you told about Anon’s disappearance?”

“Just… just you Princess… why?”

“Surely Spike must know?”

Twilight’s eyes seem to shrink. “W-well… I kind of… maybe left in a hurry and didn’t say anything? She chuckles nervously.

“Twilight you’re not in trouble for not sharing this information with Spike.” Celestia shakes her head. Although some part of her is thankful that her student didn’t tell anyone else. “However you shouldn’t just leave without notice, it can cause a panic. I’m sure Spike is feeling very confused right about now.”

Twilight mumbles. “Sorry, Princess.”

“It’s quite alright Twilight, although… it is a bit odd that Spike hasn’t sent me a letter inquiring about your absence.” Celestia tilts her head, eyes peering out the carriage. “Oh well. We’ve arrived now, I’m sure we can simply see what the little drake is… up… to…” And then her easy going expression falls into one of shock; then horror. “Oh dear.”

“Huh?“ Twilight quickly jerks her head to join her teacher in looking down below towards the approaching town of Ponyville. “What’s wrong? I don’t understand?”

“Twilight, do you see your library.”

“…no?” Twilight drawls, confusion more than apparent. Her ear flicks as she narrows her eyes, concentrating hard.

‘Wait a minute.’

Twilight’s shivers. “I don’t see it…?” Realization settles in.

“Exactly.” Celestia breathed, voice sounding strained.

Twilight’s feels her jaw slowly grow lax, eyes forming into pinpricks.

Her home was gone.

“THIS OUR GIFT. THE GREAT OOZE.”

Anon gulps. “It’s real… glowy.” Acidic green bubbles boiled to its surface before popping, singeing the rock outside the pool. ’That cannot be safe for the skin…’ He inches a little farther away just to be safe even as his guide leans closer, seemingly enamoured.

“FROM THIS GLOW, MY BROOD IS BORN.”

“Oh… you’re their mother right? Do you lay eggs in it or something?”

Queen spider shakes her head. “I AM INFERTILE. AND I DO NOT CARE TO ASK WHY IT GIVES, I SIMPLY THANK THE GREAT OOZE FOR GIVING.”

“Uh… that’s pretty neat, I guess.” Anon shuffles awkwardly, eyes shifting from one spot of the room to the other.

The ooze spits out a baby spider at his feet.

“Gah!” He jumps in fright. “What the fuck-“

The still wet spider opens it’s emerald green eyes lazily. Blinking up at Anon. “Mama?” Despite the scratchy voice it’s actually kinda… endearing, in a straggly kind of way. It was certainly the smallest spider he’s seen so far. Despite that, it was still the size of a house cat. Which made his skin crawl.

“Uh… sorry kid I’m not your mommy.”

“YOU.” Queenie leans into the tiny thing’s view, making Anon jump at the sudden proximity. “YOUR NAME SHALL BE… BARTHOLOMEW.”

The little baby spider sits there for a moment, as if contemplating something profound; it’s many eyes shimmering. Before suddenly postering itself with a couple legs in the air. “Yippie! My name is Bartholomew! Yippie!” It’s hiss is so high pitched in might’ve been a squeak. Either way it was cute enough that Anon felt bad for having to fight the considerable urge to punt the little guy… girl… whatever.

His life was very confusing.

“NOW, MY SWEET BARTHOLOMEW; YOU WILL BE THIS GREEN CREATURE’S-“ Queen spider actually freezes, turning her focus to her human guest. Although it might’ve been a little too fast as it seemed to startle the human. “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

Anon’s face twitches; trying to rest the sudden spike to his heart rate. “Ah- Anonymous butyoucancallmeAnon!” He coughs. “Anon, my name is Anon. What’s… yours?”

Queen spider’s eyes seem to light up, not too dissimilar to how Bartholomew’s had. “MY NAME…” She straightens herself, head raising proudly. “MY NAME IS…” She seems to pause for dramatic effect.

Anon is remiss to say she had him in apt attention. What manner of name could such a terrifying arachnid have? Maybe something like Gilgamesh, or as equally otherworldly and-

“BETTY.”

“…Betty.”

“BETTY. THE VERY BEST, BETTY!”

“…what the fuck even is my life, bro.”

“How is this possible?” Princess Celestia speaks more to herself than anyone else, before shaking her head. The town’s inhabitants had been thrown into a tizzy as their resident librarian and her home had seemingly vanished without a trace. Of course, her student’s arrival had been a relief to her friends. All but Rainbow Dash, who had immediately raced away to Canterlot Castle to make Celestia aware of the situation. Although a fruitless endeavour, she appreciated the effort.

And now her guards desperately tried to investigate if any foul play was involved. While a bundle of onlookers watched transfixed.

Mutterings of a ‘spell gone wrong’ or ‘dragon attack’ were on the lips of few ponies, however it was simply white noise to the Princess. After a quickly spell, it became apparent that things just went from bad to worse.

“Spike isn’t here…” Twilight was hyperventilating. “Spike isn’t here!”

“Neither is Anon.” Frustration did find its way worming into Celestia’s tone. But she quickly attempts to bury it. “We will find them both, Twilight. Perhaps Spike had simply wandered from the library. He is an adventurous little drake, correct?”

Twilight whines, a hair’s length away from a breakdown. “Maybe?”

Applejack cuts in. Placing a hoof on Twlight’s shoulder. “I reckon if there was any place he’d be, it would be the schoolyard. He does visit the crusaders from time to time.” She gives a strained smile. “Me an’ the girls will look high a low for ‘em Twilight, that’s a promise.” But despite her words even she is unnerved by the situation.

“Did you see him before you left to visit the Princess, dear?” Rarity gently intones.

Twilight bites her lip. “I had gotten so caught up with Anon… maybe I just didn’t notice if he left…” She tired to sound hopeful.

Princess Celestia was deep in thought as she nodded passively to the conversation, but quickly turns to a guard, who stiffens at her intense look. Although it was not directed to him on purpose. “Let my sister know an emergency requires our attention.”

“Y-yes ma’am.”

And then she continues to stare at the crater that was left of Twilight’s home. Magic was not the source…

There was a buzz in the air around it—maybe the right word was static. Similar to what might happen if a casted spell was powerful enough to leave errant energy in the air or earth. But it wasn’t leftover magic. There wasn’t even a drop of it emanating from the disturbed soil.

So, Celestia tries her spell again.

And it simply dissipates as soon as it gets near.

“This is the greatest day of my life!”

“You’ve been alive for like, five minutes.” Anon hisses. Desperately fighting off wave after wave of disgust, as Bartholomew sat on his shoulder like the world’s largest parrot. If that parrot had far too many legs and had fangs that could tear out his jugular. “Betty, why can’t he just walk?” He whines.

“HE LIKES YOU. AND MY NAME IS BETTY. THE VERY BEST, BETTY.”

Anon bites his lip. ‘Well I don’t like him.’ Is what he has to choke down. He groans instead. “Can I please just call you Betty?”

Betty hisses. “WHY? DO YOU MEAN TO… DISRESPECT ME?”

“No! No, er…” Anon’s brain freezes. “It’s just that friends tend to give each other nicknames, which can also just be shortened versions of a full name. Like how my name is Anonymous but I let you call me Anon.”

Betty pauses at that.

“We’re friends? I’ve never had a friend!” Bartholomew buzzes with excitement. “Does that mean I get to have a short name too?! Does that mean I’m Barth?!”

“Uh…”

“YIPPIE! I am BARTH, short for Bartholomew, friend of Anon; short for Anonymous! This is the greatest day of all days, this is almost as great as when mama named me!” The little spider is practically hoping up and down on Anon’s shoulder now.

“Uh… how about I just call you Mew instead?”

‘Mew’ practical vibrates at that. ”Mew… I am MEW! Mew is now Bartholomew’s nickname!”

“YOU’VE MADE MY LITTLE MEW HAPPY.” Betty clicks her mandibles in approval. “WE ARE FRIENDS NOW, ANON.”

“…ok.”

“HAZZUH, I SAY. HUZZAH!”

”Yippie, I say. Yippie!”

“By God I’ve no idea what the fuck is happening.”

Author's Note

Mew is innocent, Mew is pure. However he is at the mercy of the readers at home. And they can be very cruel and unusual.