Trixie is a Krafty Pony

by wowzers

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Alternate Universe, Narcotics
Length: 1761

Trixie is not a very legal pony. Why should she be?

Winter is a very calm time of year in Ponyville. The snow always falls, the sun shines softly, and it's very cozy. Long-time resident Twilight Sparkle has come to appreciate the small-town quiet, as compared to her Canterlot roots it's a quiet utopia.

Starlight's town was a cold place, with snow falling for much longer than it should have. Starlight grew to associate the snow with, well, cult indoctrinations, but more recently spending time with friends, replacing the cold of the air with the warmth of friendship.

Trixie, however, is not a cozy pony. Nor a particularly legal one. She has never liked the winter, and so she has learned to 'kraft' ways to deal with it. This could not go wrong, and Trixie is sure to follow every law as she tinkers.

God save Ponyville, for Twilight can't.

Published 2024-02-18 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-18 21:50:01 UTC

Quite Literally

The wind blew, chilly yet calm. It was a cold, cold day in Ponyville, just as the Pegasi had planned. White snow covered the ground, just thick enough to blanket it, gently falling from the soft clouds above. As idyllic as it was, the same could not be said of Ponyville’s neighbor. In the Everfree, the snow was much thinner, the trees shielding the ground, and that’s where there even was snow. Many plants still grew, but through magical means, simply stopped at the edge of the forest. It was a wonder of magic even to Twilight herself, the element of magic, and it continued to defy all logic.
Through this surprisingly lively landscape, a Timberwolf snuck. It had no prey, and hadn’t for almost a moon, but that was ok. Timberwolves have no biology that relies upon eating, so it could starve a while longer. Indefinitely, technically, but it still liked eating. Suddenly, it stopped. It raised its nose to the air; sniff, sniff sniff. A scent. That of a rabbit; good prey for a starving wolf. It stayed low to the ground, and silently stalked towards the scent. It passed through a rotting log, by a giant rock, over a sizable root, and then... there it was. The fat rabbit, nibbling on a patch of grass. The Timberwolf would grin, if it could comprehend emotions and express them. It pressed down, prepping its hind legs, and then

BANG

A loud shock shook the forest. The wolf flipped its head towards the sound. It came from the direction of Ponyville. Deciding it wasn’t worth investigating, it turned its head back. The rabbit was gone. This is where it would scowl if it

BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG

The sky filled with various bangs, each swaying the leaves. The wolf trembled, its ears overloaded, and quickly scampered away. It could go another day without food.

In Ponyville itself, the peaceful snowfall was interrupted by what one would consider a terrorist attack without proper knowledge. The crystal castle was being pounded by explosive after explosive, the entire building trembling. The Princess of Friendship walked out onto her balcony, stumbling awake. She looked around, and quickly saw that the assault came from below her castle. She quickly charged up a shield to block the explosives, but the first explosive to hit it punched a hole straight through. Twilight gasped. What had this sort of power? She turned to her unending memory for help, but nothing Twilight could recall had the ability to... ignore magic. Just as she looked down in despair, however, the incessant barrage stopped. She looked down to view her attacker; it was... Trixie’s wagon. “TRIXIE!” The princess shouted. She stepped off the balcony and unfurled her wings, quickly diving down. “I SWEAR TO CELESTIA ABOVE AND TARTARUS BELOW!” She skid to a halt, the snow melting beneath her hooves, and stomped up to the wagon. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY DID YOU... do...?”

Inside of Trixie’s wagon was Starlight. Her face was covered in a black powder, supposedly from the fireworks. More importantly, Trixie was not there. The lilac pony turned to face her mentor. “H... hey, Twilight...”
“What happened...?”

“Uh...” Twilight walked inside. Starlight was sitting in front of a box labeled ‘FUCK YOU TS!’. Inside it was nothing except for blast stains and and a blue crystal. “I opened this box, and... why can I still hear...?”

“STARLIGHT!” A panicked Trixie’s voice rang from outside the wagon. “I just wanted some NUTS! Trixie loves nuts... Wait, Starlight! What did you DO?!” Trixie climbed up the steps, her eyes wide open and a bag of nuts in her grasp. “Twilight? What- you opened THAT box?!”

“Trixie,” Twilight started. “What WAS in it?!”

“An experimental firework!” Trixie ran up to the box, worry plastered on her face and a couple nuts in her mouth. “Well, 83 of them, but... YES! There’s still some of it left!”

“Some what?” Starlight asked, slowly standing up and wiping her face of the soot to little avail.

Trixie grabbed the crystal inside with her hoof and picked it up. “Explodanium!”

The two well-read ponies, familiar with science and everything magic, blinked. “What?” They both asked.

“It’s a really cool thing Trixie made! It’s not only resistant to magic, but it also EXPLODES!” She popped another nut in her mouth and did a giddy dance, tapping her hooves on the floor.

“How did you... what did... WHAT?!” Twilight shouted. “Did you make a new element in my backyard and use it for FIREWORKS?!”

“Well, what else would I use it for?” Trixie chuckled. “It’s great and powerful!”

“I... how does it work?” Starlight asked, her face mostly cleaned by now. She knew better than to grill Trixie.

“Well, it’s simple, my great and lovely assistant!” Trixie threw the crystal outside as Twilight rolled her eyes. Trixie scowled, went outside and threw it farther away. Twilight raised an eyebrow. Was it that volatile? “As you see, the crystal there is small. However...” Trixie pulled a match out of her hat, lit it with her stove - an immense safety hazard if there ever was one - and gave it a magic throw towards the crystal. As she did, she wrapped Starlight in her cape and pulled her hat down over her face. “Now it sh-”

KABOOM

Twilight stumbled out of the smoking wagon, coughing. It was as if her lungs were caked in ash. She collapsed, wheezing, and used a spell to clear out her system. “F-fuck...! Trixie, what the fuck?! I could’ve died!”

Trixie walked out of the wagon, a shaken Starlight practically clinging to her. She looked at her nuts, then frowned, and threw the bag to the ground. “But you didn’t.”

“D-did I see Tartatus?” Starlight whispered. Trixie rubbed her back and everything was a little bit better.

“How did you make this... thing?” Twilight asked. She needed answers. How did Trixie find it first?

“Well, one time Trixie was making herself a little meth-”

“That’s illegal. You-”

“-and accidentally, a bit fell into my Daisy-flavored Kraft Macaroni and Hay.”

“-you can’t just make meth. Trixie, I-”

“I got frustrated, but then when I tried to pull out the meth with-”

“-I could get you locked up for a looooooooooong time...”

“-magic, it didn’t budge! So, in my brilliance, I tried to burn it out, and it-”

“I-is that why your wagon burned down last week?” Starlight muttered. “And I had to go back in time and clone it?”

“-went KABOOM! So I made some for my fireworks, after a little cleaning, and here we are!”

“Trixie, you are a criminal.”

“I helped her make meth explosives. Oh fuck.”

“Yes you did babe, and it was glorious~”

“I, Princess Celestia, am proud to award Trixie Lulamoon the Haybel Prize!” The audience, full of Equestria’s brightest scientists and bravest fliers, clapped politely. The ceremony was also transmitted over the radio to millions of ponies, who were undoubtedly clapping for Trixie. “Her research into combustion led us, as a nation, to space in just a year! And remember, you too can go on the Nightmare Moon Experience (sponsored by Celestia) - Live a Thousand Years in a Day!” Luna was not happy, visibly angry and muttering about showing them a real ‘Nightmare Moon Experience’.

Twilight sat in the front row. She was dumbfounded. This meth-head had done more for science by accident than she had managed, and her life was devoted to it. Starlight sat next to her, clapping and cheering with the rest of the room. “That’s my Trixie!” She called, clearly full of pride.
“Now, Trixie, is there anyone you wish to thank?”

“Trixie has a couple ponies to thank.” Trixie walked up to the mic as Celestia stood away and cleared her throat. “Thank you all for coming! Trixie is humbled by your presence to honor her accomplishment!” The audience clapped again as Trixie bowed. “There are some more personal thanks Trixie must give, too. First of all, thank you Princess Twilight for letting me practice on your land!” Twilight’s complaints about not allowing her were drowned out by the much louder claps of support. “And Trixie’s parents! You brought her up into this lifestyle of independence and creativity! Thank you! But, most importantly, Trixie...

“I want to thank Starlight Glimmer.” Starlight perked up, blushing a little as Trixie switched from her stage voice to her private voice.. “From the day we met, you have spurred me on from achievement to achievement. On that day, I was a broke showmare, down on her luck and without a goal in my life. And now, look at me. The pride of Equestria and a brilliant scientist.” The blue showmare reached into her hat and pulled something out. “I... everything I’ve done since then has been with your full support and the knowledge that you were behind me, whether it was blowing myself up...” The audience laughed. “...or blowing the crystals up, or even just going to the store to pick up some donuts because my marefriend was hungry and I didn’t wanna cook.” Starlight laughed a little too loudly, and the audience chuckled, which only made her blush even more. “I... I love you, Starlight Glimmer...” The blue mare turned to face Starlight and kneeled down, pulling out a small box. She opened it and exposed two rings, which had no diamonds, but instead small, metallic fireworks that rested atop kites. “...will you marry me?”

The audience roared. Starlight nearly flew out her seat as she collided into Trixie, tackling the mare into a tight hug. “YesyesyesyesYES! YES!” The two mares exchanged the best moment of their lives in front of Equestria, and Twilight was, admittedly, happy for them. She clapped, and meant it. Finally, after a half minute, the two broke the embrace, quickly kissed, and then went back to their assigned places. As Starlight came over, Twilight gave her a warm smile and a hug. She was shaking, but soooooo happy.

“I... wow, that was great... thank you everypony... Oh! There is one... two ponies I forgot to mention.” The audience hushed down again and Twilight looked back, intrigued. “Thank you, Pinkie Pie and Princess Celestia for helping me perfect my meth recipe!”

The audience clapped.

Celestia bowed.

Twilight broke.

Author's Note

Hey! Thanks for reading. I sat on this for a bit, then shared it with some friends who liked it, so I put it here. I promise I am a sane individual.