Play, Misty, For Me

by Estee

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Slice of Life, Sex, Opaline, Misty
Length: 8312

Really now: what kind of spy doesn't even know how to seduce somepony? ...very well. It looks as if Opaline has no choice but to manage Misty's training... personally.

It's hard to be the only perfect individual in all of existence, especially when circumstances (which are in no way her fault) conspire to force Opaline into relying on incompetents. Or rather, a single unicorn mare who, in the fully-justified quest to increase the raw power of sole magnificence, is in no way managing to get anything real done. Why, Misty hasn't even been able to seduce her way into --

-- what do you mean, "What's seduction?" How can she have no concept of...

...very well. It looks as if Opaline has no choice but to manage a new aspect of Misty's training. Personally.

(Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.)

Cover art from a capture by MalinRaf1615.

Rated C for Crackfic.

Published 2024-02-22 02:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-22 02:10:03 UTC

Read It For The Plot

When it came to perfection, there were two things which Opaline was willing to acknowledge: that she was the lone flawless being in the whole of existence, and her status came with certain -- hazards.

For starters, there could be a rather odd degree of resentment expressed by those lessers who lacked the intelligence to understand why she had to be in charge. And when it came to idiots? She was effectively surrounded. Yes, the classic saying (and she was almost sure that one of her enemies had come up with it, likely as a rather petty form of vengeance) claimed 'If you're so smart, how did you manage to let a bunch of idiots surround you?' For somepony of Opaline's vast intellect, the answer was obvious: she lived in the world, and it could be said to surround her. Being outnumbered and effectively encircled was more or less inevitable -- although if there was any dubious benefit to be found in an absent enemy alicorn's centuries-past machinations, at least most of the stupidity was a fairly long way off.

Which, of course, brought her back to why she couldn't currently prove her right to rule in person. Opaline put that down to what she called the Infinite Neurons Theory: namely, when she'd had an entire planet of morons constantly trying to come up with ways of stopping her, cumulative odds said that one of them was eventually going to come across a workable idea by sheer accident.

Regarded from that perspective, they hadn't actually thought of anything. Opaline was the only one who could truly think. And when it came to 'thinking her way out' of what the purple bitch had done... well, that would probably require her to internally replicate the non-thought patterns of the long-departed, and there was no way she was ever going to lower herself to that level of idiocy.

Being just as stupid as the average pony was Misty's job and when it came to that occupation, the unicorn was overqualified. Something which sadly held true in spite of -- well, not Opaline's best efforts. She'd tried to elevate her ward -- somewhat. But there were two truths in play there: the first rather reasonably pointed out that it wasn't a good idea to have two ideal beings. Perfection would mean a lot less if it was diluted.

Also, you couldn't polish manure.

(She'd tried. Opaline had spent a few busy decades in testing the wisdom of just about every homily which had ever existed. Manure absolutely could not be polished -- in its base state. However, those with true patience would allow it to petrify, and then it was possible to do all sorts of things with it. So in that sense, it was absolutely possible to get rid of Misty's rough edges. There was just the minor matter of waiting out the time required for the future corpse to fossilize.)

But of course, she was stuck with her ward. The world had made a pitiful attempt to compensate her for centuries of futile inaction through providing her with a filly and because nopony else was perfect, she had been granted the rather dubious gift of idiocy. Still... it had been more to work with than she'd had in -- quite some time. You didn't just turn away a Hearth's Warming present when it was the first one you'd received in centuries, especially when there was no practical means of returning it.

So she'd raised the filly and now, with magic's return offering so many more ways to acquire power, was regularly dispatching her lone agent into the world. To tread where Opaline could not (for now), and acquire the final keys to power.

Her agent was currently standing before the throne, foreknees bent and head down in a way which had the unruly ringlet curls of the mane obscuring most of Misty's face. Misty had a way of standing which suggested she was truly sorry for making gravity do so much unnecessary work, and Opaline was rather proud of it. That stance had been trained.

Misty's deferential posture was as close to perfect as you could ask for from the defective: 'not very, but take what you can get'. It just happened to be a position of failure.

"Still no crystals," observed an alicorn whose previous experiments had proven that patience was infinite and, when it came to the local supply, remained perfectly capable of running out.

Pink forehooves awkwardly scraped at the floor.

"It's been moons," Opaline added. "Moons without progress."

Silence.

"...moon-moons or year-moons?" Misty finally asked.

"Oh, so the idiots got that confused too? It might as well have been years, Misty. And at the rate you're not going, I suppose I have a lifetime of this to not look forward to." And because you always had to clarify for the stupid, "Your lifetime, not mine."

"I'm sorry," said a hopeless fall of mane hair.

"I don't suppose there's at least going to be a little variety in the latest failure?" Opaline checked, because variety was in fact the spice of life and given how long she'd been alive, she required a lot of spice. "Let's find out. Who blocked you this time?"

"...Hitch," the unicorn eventually admitted.

Opaline turned the name over in her head a few times before deciding to grant it temporary relevancy. "The stallion."

"...yes." An unmanageable tail tucked itself between the owner's back legs. "He was just in the room. I couldn't get past him. I -- thought about maybe starting an emergency in the city, so he'd have to go deal with it, but..." More scraping. The sound was starting to get on Opaline's nerves. "...then somepony else would have taken over watch duties..."

Opaline had a thought and naturally, it was a perfect one.

"Misty," the alicorn began, carefully channeling the very last of that day's patience stock, "there was a way. To keep him in the room, while allowing you to act. You simply didn't use it."

The light blue head came up a little. This exposed green eyes, along with lids half-scrunched from nerves. "There was? I... I don't think I could have knocked him out. Not before he sounded an alarm --"

"-- Misty," Opaline fiercely cut in, and the unicorn's head went down again. "There would have been no alarm! Any sounds which reached the lower levels would have simply told ponies to stay away! And then once he was completely exhausted because of course most of them are only good for a single round each -- they usually fall asleep after and let me tell you, that is an insult -- you could have done whatever you wanted! This could have ended today and it didn't, because you failed --"

She'd been alive for -- a long time. It took a lot to surprise her, and the next moment very nearly qualified. Still, it was possible that at some point within the endless past, she'd previously heard hooves scrape apologetically.

"...I... I... what?" Helplessly, "I don't know what I was supposed to do..."

Opaline scooted forward slightly on the throne. Fifteen years of daily practice allowed her to do it with dignity.

"Misty -- why didn't you just seduce him? A simple touch of seduction, even from a mare of your inadequate -- everything -- in front of a typical idiot stallion, and the world would already be ---"

Which was when the unicorn looked up at her. Making what was almost direct eye contact: an event so rare as to make Opaline pause. Going all the way up, as the little mouth opened slightly and green eyes helplessly blinked out a semaphore signal of confusion.

"What's seduction?"

Perfect beings did not allow themselves to display an emotion so base as shock.

"The stage prior to sex!"

"...okay," Misty cautiously ventured. "And... what's sex?"

There were times when perfection needed an hour to itself. When you were confronted with the utterly ridiculous, it was best to review the exact details in privacy.

"I've been going over her education," Opaline announced to the primary bathroom's faintly-echoing walls. She was doing so on the move: a proper space provided an alicorn with sufficient room for dramatic pacing and besides, it allowed her to get multiple glimpses of mobile perfection in the mirrors.

Her audience said nothing.

"I taught her myself, you know." The snort was on the faint side, and also the ideal example to be expressed by lesser nostrils everywhere. Not that they could.

Several bristles were caught up in the minor wind gusts of her passage and bobbed along.

"History? Whatever I chose to both remember and relay." Another ideal snort. "Certainly more than anypony else ever gets, correct? And advanced statistics? Naturally. How else is the poor thing supposed to appreciate the subtle intricacies of a properly-constructed evil pie chart!"

Gertrude agreed with her. The manebrush generally did.

It was perfectly natural behavior. When you were the only entity in the world capable of proper thought, there was a certain requirement for a suitable audience and since the definition meant nothing living could ever work, Opaline had turned to the inanimate. She bounced her ideas against solid surfaces and listened carefully to whatever came back. And Gertrude was a fantastic listener.

Of course, the passage of time meant that Gertrude wasn't her first confidant. Opaline had tried a rubber duck for a while, and found it much too prone to backtalk. In comparison, Gertrude had just offered what Opaline allowed to be a perfectly natural observation.

"Well, yes, that is a point," Opaline generously conceded. "I've only had her for what, half of her pitifully short life? Obviously the fault lies with whoever was educating her during that first part." And sighed. "What do they teach fillies in those schools? Because really, the subject should have been covered long before I rescued her. It's just like everything else about the world, isn't it? It all has to fall on me."

The next question was reasonable, if somewhat annoying.

"Oh, come now," Opaline crossly said, and several minor grooming items jumped back in fear. "Why would the subject even have come up? It's just been the two of us. Why would she ever need to learn about being with another pony when there weren't any other ponies -- Gertrude!"

Wings extended, and feathers furiously beat at the air. The atmosphere immediately surrendered, mostly just to get it over with.

"No, I will not demonstrate for her, much less with her! I raised that girl, Gertrude! How utterly... utterly... BLEAH!"

Naturally, the giant glob of well-aimed expectorated disgust landed in the exact center of the sink. A snappy refold of her wings substituted for applause.

Gertrude made a point. The pacing slowed for a few seconds, and the alicorn's ideal tail swayed.

"...well, yes," Opaline eventually said. "I suppose I did sexually interact with just about every sapient species on the planet. In the days when we had a few more of them. The key for an immortal in maintaining sanity across the ages is keeping busy. I've always said that." With mild offense, "And it's not as if I'm a bigot, you know. I've always intended to subjugate everyone equally. Besides, it allows for learning. 'Once you go scale, you'll turn quite pale'? Completely false. I proved that. And let me tell you, it was no simple feat."

There was a followup question.

"Well, of course I still remember how," declared a significant amount of accumulated frustration. "Even if it has been a while. And I still have all of my old toys -- oh, right: you haven't met them. They're in the special cabinet. I'll have to introduce you. Not that I've gotten to use most of them, given that --"

The alicorn thoughtfully paused.

"You know," Opaline considered, "with the background ambience of magic having increased... do you think some of them might have started working again?"

The manebrush offered a suggestion.

"Absolutely," Opaline immediately agreed. "Hooves-on testing it is! Along with other anatomy! And when it comes to Misty..."

She thought it over.

Did the unicorn truly know nothing? Not even the most basic facts about the birds and the bees?

...all right: any bee which got into the castle was probably going to be eaten by the spiders. There also weren't very many birds around. Actually, now that she thought about it, the majority of Misty's exposure to both birds and bees had been rather recent. And when it came to the birds, that was mostly going to be seagulls.

There were two things you could learn from seagulls and while declaring everything seen as MINE had a certain Opaline value, it wasn't a good lesson for Misty to learn. The girl really shouldn't be seeing anything as hers, because then it wasn't Opaline's. And for the other lesson...

Opaline shuddered.

No. The castle already required too much cleaning.

"I think," she reluctantly decided, "the best way to start is through judging the modern state of affairs." And then she rather sensibly prioritized. "After I see what's become of the Maximum Fun Cabinet."

Gertrude agreed completely. It was what truly good company did.

"...so you want me to...?" Misty tremulously asked.

Opaline sighed, and allowed waves of nearly-pure disdain to fill the throne room. It normally would have been an unmixed radiance, but the frustration had to get a word in.

"They trust you enough to let you get close enough for successive failures, yes?"

"Yes..." the unicorn tried.

"Then there's obviously enough of a connection for you to ask them about their sex lives," Opaline majestically decided. "Go do that and report back."

"...okay."

Green eyes carefully looked up. Held the gaze for a while.

"Is there something else?" Opaline patiently asked.

"You're very sweaty," Misty observed. "It's soaked through your fur. I don't think I've ever seen you sweaty at all."

"Why would I ever sweat? As the living incarnation of the purest flame -- ah. Yes. Sweaty," Opaline considered. "It happens. Bathe me. Groom. Don't touch the mane. Be very careful around Gertrude. And then go see what the others know about sex. Follow me, Misty --"

She flew down from the throne, and made it through all of three hoofsteps.

"-- why are you not following?"

"I think," Misty timidly proposed, "that if I have to ask about sex... then, just in order to know whether they're telling me the truth... I need to know what it is first."

Opaline thought it over.

Did the girl even masturbate? She was more than old enough for the first urges to have arisen and if the poor thing had templated her desires on the local model of perfection, then she was doomed for even more less-than-eternal disappointment than her usual.

...although it would make her the first pony in centuries to possess taste. And there was still absolutely no way they were going to do it, but it was nice to be properly appreciated.

Still... maybe the unicorn had simply done it all on instinct. Entirely self-taught, yes, but Misty might have been pleasuring herself for years: Opaline certainly granted enough nighttime privacy for such things to occur. It was possible that Misty had a basic understanding of the act, and simply lacked the vocabulary to say so.

Also, she was going out to speak with lessers. The inferior lied a lot: it was one of the ways they tried to convince themselves that they lacked inferiority. Without education, who knew what false 'information' the girl might bring back?

Very well. I suppose there's no choice. But just the basics. Only those things I've done with other ponies. And not the jelly fetish. Opaline was the direct, still-highly-satisfied reason for the extinction of the jelly fetish, and vaguely wondered if the centuries had allowed civilization to rediscover jelly.

"That's reasonable," the alicorn allowed. "But solely the sex part, Misty. We'll discuss seduction when you get back. And to save time, the education will take place while you're bathing me. Come along."

She moved. Misty followed. That was the way it was supposed to be.

"Actually," Opaline considered, "this may allow you to learn exciting new uses for the toilet trench brush. Once it's been properly cleaned, of course."

"...sorry?"

"We'll get there."

The toilet trench now needed cleaning.

"I blame the Maretime Bay food," Opaline immediately decided. "You used to have a much stronger stomach. Anyway, to continue with my discussion of the goatse position -- that reminds me: have you heard word of any goats? Ibexes? Perhaps Starscout's notebook -- oh, Misty, do stop retching. What have you been eating?"

The answer was almost indistinguishable from the vomit.

"When you leave the castle today," Opaline offered, "pack a lunch." She thought about it. "And perhaps you should be bringing back samples of their food. Plus a few books. There's likely nothing anywhere near as good as the classics, but I should see if there's anypony out there who can string two words together. I'll need to enslave a private bard eventually. My praises should be sung with a proper meter. And I did see a movie theater in the scrying lens. What's available for home viewing?"

More retching. An experienced mind translated.

"We can skip the one about the drugged-out bear," Opaline told her minion. "Speaking from rather personal experience, that's nowhere near as much fun as it sounds."

Eventually, the noises stopped.

"Clean that up," the alicorn ordered. "And then we'll go back to the lesson."

"...thank you for holding back my mane."

Her corona winked out, and Opaline very nearly smiled. (She didn't. Smiles had to be earned.) "Only a monster wouldn't hold back a mane when somepony is oddly ill, Misty --" and squinted. "Hmm. Misty, is your mane a different color? Or rather, several different colors?" She normally didn't pay attention to Misty's looks because when you'd seen inadequate once, that was clearly more than enough -- but the fresh hues were right there.

"Yes," the trembling unicorn finally admitted.

"Why?" was a natural question.

"Um... do you remember what I've told you about Pipp?"

Opaline rolled her eyes. "I remember the important things, Misty. Anything to do with a so-called hornless 'princess' doesn't necessarily -- wait. Didn't you say that she's -- slumming? Through running some sort of styling operation?"

"For... manes and tails, yes. And some hoof polishing."

The alicorn thought it over.

"So by allowing her to work on your mane," Opaline considered, "and placing frankly hideous hues into your standing mess, without complaint and while pretending to appreciate the results.... you're building trust."

"...yes?"

"Keep that up. And see if she can do something about your facial fur spotting. That's always been ridiculous. Also, while you're shopping, find out if jelly exists. Exists again."

"We... jar our own preserves --"

"-- outside jelly, Misty. And should it be present, you will start by bringing me boysenberry."

"Start with --"

"-- trust me. It's the most evil flavor I know."

Misty was back in the throne room. So were several books, three movies, an assortment of jelly jars, and a rather distinctive stink.

"You smell like ozone," Opaline accurately observed. "Why? And did you get the information about their sex lives, or was it yet another failure to add on to your towering pile?" With a snort, "Obviously we need to keep that going up. If I had dug out a pit to hold all of the errors, Tartarus might start to complain."

The unicorn took a breath, on the third attempt.

"This -- wasn't easy to learn," Misty said. "They really didn't want to talk about it. And I only got four of them to talk at all. Hitch just stared at me for a few seconds. And then there was an open third-floor window. And no more Hitch."

"Hitch is one of the pegasi?" Opaline checked, because the part-timer with the translucent fakery was the only vaguely important one.

"...no..."

"So a typical male," Opaline sighed. "Very well. Four out of five is certainly better than your usual rate. Let's have it, Misty."

"Well..." the unicorn timidly began as forehooves automatically started into the Dance Of The Scraping Apology, "Izzy's never done anything. Not with anypony else. She said she's never even dated, because Bridlewood was sort of into the kind of mares who look like they wouldn't enjoy sex. Or anything else, ever. So she lived alone, and --she was just alone."

Opaline briefly wondered if that was a pity. From what she could be bothered to recall, the crafter was certainly the least unattractive of the group, and for nopony else to appreciate that... "The siblings?"

Misty hesitated. "I approached them separately. But it was the same answer. They haven't had sex. Or dated. Or anything else."

"They're royals," a disbelieving alicorn pointed out. "Even without the true status granted by adding a horn to the wings, they should have --"

"-- they were keeping the secret about not being able to fly. Anypony they were interested in would have needed a security clearance. And then everything happened, and -- they haven't had a chance." The unicorn paused. "And when Zipp finished hissing at me, she told me to stay away from Hitch. And when she said that, there was a sort of -- crackling sound? And then that ozone smell showed up."

Opaline carefully filed that away as a potential source of future leverage. Then she considered what a territorial pegasus who didn't know how lightning worked might do by sheer accident, and internally sighed. It was going to take a long search through the basement to find the protective amulet and see if that was working again. Hours lost in pointless personal labor -- but she only had the one minion. Allowing Misty to be electrocuted meant starting all over again.

"And the part-timer?"

"She was -- actually the most willing to talk about it," Misty allowed. "She sort of had Izzy's problem. Everypony thought she was crazy, because of the things her father taught her --"

"-- she is no more insane than most of the inferiors," Opaline failed to interrupt, because 'interruption' would imply her words had lesser value. "She is simply stupid with extra facts. Go on."

"Well... she dated Hitch for a while. But the relationship didn't last. They both think they're better off as friends. Maybe it's less awkward to arrest your friend every other week. But they did have sex. Nothing since, though."

"So Starscout," Opaline carefully prodded, "is the group's expert, based on having had sex a total of...?"

Reluctantly, "Three times."

"Ah." Opaline thought that over. "Three more than I would have given her credit for before her part-time pretender status arrived. But -- truly nothing since?"

"No..."

That was worth a snort. "Just another way in which she refuses to explore her power, then! All right, Misty. Clearly none of them are qualified to teach you about the art of seduction. Therefore, the task once again falls to the only possible expert." She paused. "Thank me for giving up a portion of my endless time to improve a tiny part of your limited span, Misty. It's basic politeness."

"...thank you, Opaline."

The alicorn nodded. Flew down from the throne, landing about two body lengths in front of Misty. "Watch closely."

Misty, green eyes wide, nodded. Opaline's wings flared --

"-- is that part of the seduction?"

"Obviously."

"I don't have those."

"Yet another inadequacy," Opaline sniffed, "which is in no way my fault. But I suppose you have a point. And I can hardly expect you to add a condescending downward stare, not as short as you are." (She was certain Misty was short. The unicorn was smaller than Opaline, and that was the only qualifier. Comparisons to other ponies clearly didn't count.) "At least you have a horn to move about. So, keeping in mind that this is simply a demonstration and I am in no way actually coming on to you..."

The alicorn moved.

Shoulders and hips shifted. Legs advanced with Art and Purpose. Nostrils flared. Her tail swayed. The horn ignited, and did so at an unexpected level of brilliance.

She stopped moving, mere hoofwidths away from Misty. The world's most perfect eyes narrowed, and a waterfall of condescension poured out. The mouth opened.

"You," Opaline announced, "will now consent to sexual intercourse."

Misty blinked. Opaline would have normally treated such a base response as offensive, but they weren't going to actually do anything. The mere thought was nauseating, and became even more so in the presence of fresh jelly.

"And that," the alicorn declared with open satisfaction as her corona winked out, "is seduction."

"...it is?"

"Clearly," declared the most powerful being on the planet. "When I do exactly that with just about anypony -- or anyone, for that matter -- they almost always agree to have sex. Immediately. Therefore, seduction has occurred."

"...well," Misty tremulously asked, "what if the pony I'm seducing says no? Do I make them have sex with me anyway?"

Opaline's eyes instantly went wide. The horror needed the room.

"MISTY!"

"...what?"

"You must always gain consent! To engage in intercourse with any sapient who has refused you -- that would be rape!" Her wings were starting to vibrate: the fast-building rage had to go somewhere. "I know I've taught you to be evil, but there are limits --"

Trembling all over, with the blue-and-pink body displaying the open fear which was normally both frustrating and delicious, "-- what's rape?"

Opaline stopped.

Right.
She didn't know what sex was.
And it's just been the two of us.
She's been out there among the inferior savages without even --
-- we need to do this now.

Slowly, long legs folded. The tall body lowered itself to the floor.

"Sit with me, Misty," Opaline calmly said.

At the no-speed and too-low volume of deep stun, "...you... usually don't..."

"SIT."

Misty sat. Opaline nodded, and carefully explained.

"...oh," Misty finally said.

"If anypony," Opaline evenly instructed, "or anyone, or anything, tries to rape you, kill them."

In open fear, "I don't know if I..."

"...or incapacitate, if that's easier."

"...okay."

"I'm going to bring you an enchanted item to make that more simple. Only use it if there's a rape attempt. Actually, I'm going to issue two items, but the other is for electricity. We'll make sure you're sorted out on which does what. I know how easily you become confused."

The unicorn's breathing was starting to slow. "Thank you."

"You're quite welcome," Opaline granted. "And once they're incapacitated, bring them to me. And I'll kill them."

They both sat for a while, quietly facing each other. There was time enough for that.

"So... what should I do if I'm rejected?" Misty asked.

"When," Opaline corrected. "With you, it's obviously going to be 'when'."

The unicorn winced. "Well... what would you do?"

Immediately, "Oh, that's simple. A sapient who rejected me? They turned down perfection, Misty. So I did the practical thing."

"...which... was...?"

With open pride, "Kicking them to death."

Very softly, "...oh."

"Now in your case," Opaline considered, "there's going to be a lot of rejection. As you're obviously unattractive. So you should only kick ponies almost to death."

"I..."

"One dead rapist? Our good deed for the century. But a trail of bodies? That's going to look suspicious, Misty. So almost to death. Stop when you hear their breath beginning to rattle in their throat. It's a good safety margin."

"...okay."

"Also, if, while you're kicking them, they happen to gasp out that they've changed their minds and want to have sex with you now?"

"...yes...?"

"Ignore it. That's duress. But once they fully recover, you can go back and see if their unagonized opinion has altered. Now you've clearly had a very long day and teaching you to use the defensive magic now is going to take resources you don't currently have." Four long legs pushed, and she began to stand up. "Shall we try some of the jelly? And then you can practice."

"Practice...?"

"Seduction! Really, Misty, we were just talking about this!" The world's most oppressed alicorn indulged in a long sigh. "There are times when I could swear that I stumbled across a particularly furry goldfish. With bad hair."

Teaching Misty, even at the best of times, was an experience. Opaline had the benefit of what was practically infinite time and something about trying to instruct the girl in anything basic could make it feel as if she could potentially wind up using all of it. This was about seduction. Simply getting Misty to move correctly...

...well, yes: the lack of wings was an issue, and it happened to be one which Opaline rather sensibly had no interest in solving. (Perfection wasn't meant to be diluted, and there was actually a certain comfort in knowing that the part-timer was likely to remain exactly that.) But it was a question of getting Misty to work with what she had. And the hips weren't shifting enough, the tail failed to sway in the proper manner, and while the unicorn's best feature (taken from a rather narrow selection) was arguably a fairly plush pair of buttocks...

Misty tended to both move and breathe as if she was trying to apologize to the air for having displaced it. And while that did say something about how Opaline had raised the filly properly, it was currently serving as a problem.

"Oh, come now, Misty!" the alicorn groaned, because several gracious oxygen molecules had just decided it was no problem at all and in fact, they'd always been interested in seeing what the carbon dioxide life was like anyway. "There's no confidence! You need to move as if you are telling the very world that you are the most attractive mare to ever trot across its surface!"

The light blue head came up a little. "I do?"

"Even though it's almost completely the opposite, of course," Opaline clarified. "But confidence can partially make up for an appalling lack of looks -- oh, lift your chin, Misty. I'm certain there must be a less appealing mare than you. Somewhere. Statistically speaking, the odds are practically one in one. You do remember our statistics classes, I trust?"

"...yes, Opaline."

The curly tail went between the unicorn's legs again. Which was normally fine, but it was currently obscuring Misty's best assets --

-- and I'd have to explain the pun, too. Truly, the torment never ended.

"In fact," the alicorn considered, "I'm sure I can prove that. There are images on your 'phone', correct?"

The "...yes," almost felt a little too careful. Opaline put it down to the subject matter.

"Good. Call up one for the false princess."

"Which?"

"Whichever is the shorter." Opaline's height was perfection: therefore, subtraction of size led to ugliness. Simple math.

The unicorn fetched the phone. A picture was displayed.

"That's -- 'Pipp'?"

"Yes."

Opaline snorted.

"Well, no wonder she decided to 'slum' with a mane and tail salon. Look at her scalp, Misty."

The unicorn squinted. "Um... I can't see her scalp. It's all --"

"-- precisely!" Opaline triumphantly declared. "The true anchoring for a mane is down the center of the scalp and onto the neck! She's spreading everything out to the sides. Trying to make it look as if she has a full head of hair. And do you know what kind of mare does that, Misty? Somepony who's using their mane to cover up what are clearly some very severe scalp issues." With open satisfaction, "She likely has a few bald spots in her fur. From mange, if I'm any judge and of course I am. And is she shorter than you?"

"Yes," Misty admitted. "She's -- shorter than just about everypony --"

"-- well, there you go. We have found a mare who's more repellent than you. On the first attempt, no less -- Misty?"

Very carefully, "Yes, Opaline?"

"Why are you staring at my mane?"

"Well," her minion cautiously said, "I was just thinking about your style. How it spreads all the way out to the sides. And wraps around the base of your ears. And then it sort of cascades down both sides of your head."

"Yes, yes, Gertrude puts in her labors," the alicorn carefully checked. "And?"

"And... I was thinking that Pipp would never be able to manage something that sophisticated," Misty declared. "Creation or maintenance! And she still has the nerve to call herself a mane stylist?"

It was a rare day when Misty gave the alicorn a good reason to laugh.

"Quite right!" Opaline eventually allowed. (Waiting for the last echoes of evil mirth to stop rebounding from the walls was just style.) It was a rather pleasing observation for Misty to make, and when Opaline was pleased...

She needs to practice so many things...

"Misty," the alicorn generously said, "we will resume the seduction lessons tomorrow. Go up to your bedroom. I'm going to bring you a few new toys."

Green eyes went wide. "Toys? New ones?"

"Yes!" Opaline indulged in a thought. "Although I will have to clean them first. Some were recently used. Oh, Misty... you've never seen toys like these..."

"And -- how do I play with them?"

The alicorn's left foreleg came up, and the hoof tossed off an airy wave. "Do whatever feels natural. I'll check on you in two hours. Just to see how you're getting along."

From what Opaline was able to determine on first viewing, the dildo was getting married to the butt plug: the vibrator was merely officiating. This obviously required some sort of ceremony area, and the queening stool had been pressed into service. And decorations were mandatory, so anal beads had been strung accordingly.

The vacuum pump was probably meant as a wedding gift, which explained why the whip had been used as a bow.

"...Misty."

"It's okay!" the girl enthused as a forehoof pushed a small hoofcuff into Flower Filly position. (It had to be a flower filly. There were flowers in the center.) "They were dating before you got here!"

They'd had a very long talk, and there were ways in which they were still having it. Learning how to be seductive wasn't enough. Misty needed to have some idea of what tended to happen after a success. Opaline was presuming that Misty would eventually succeed, and had already drawn up the evil pie chart which proved that statistically, there was somepony who would be that desperate.

The discussion had moved to oral sex, which was frankly the best-case scenario. There was no way to predict whether Misty's eventual vict -- success would be a mare or stallion. When it came to the pretenders, sheer odds favored 'mare', but -- there was a stallion involved. And since the castle's contraceptive herb supply had done Opaline the discourtesy of turning to dust long ago, that was something else Misty would need to shop for.

The girl was incompetent: Opaline knew that. But there was also something of a luck factor involved. No contraceptives were perfect, and Opaline was absolutely not ready to be a grandparent. She wasn't that old.

So the hope was that penetration could be avoided. Oral sex was thus ideal. But when it came to practice...

"Mi hont sink miss fizz jerking."

Rather crossly, "Take the dildo out of your mouth, Misty."

The unicorn carefully spat.

"I don't think this is working," her minion repeated. "There's no feedback. I don't know if I'm doing anything right..."

Opaline didn't have to think about her answer. She'd been worried about exactly this, and had already discussed the matter with Gertrude. The manebrush had actually been at a surprising loss for words, but the towel rack had come in with a last-second suggestion.

It's not actual sex.

"Use my horn."

Misty blinked a few times. This was annoying, largely because it put off the actual practice.

"...you want me to do what?"

"Suck," clarified a heroic amount of truly excessive patience.

"You tell me that I suck all the time --"

"-- suck on my horn, Misty," Opaline's rising temper declared. "Be very careful with the point, and do not try to deep-throat it. You don't know how to manage a horn of this magnitude, much less how to deal with the curve. Keep your efforts confined to the tip. Understood? Suck on my horn. And I'll tell you how you're doing."

The unicorn timidly approached. Opaline reluctantly lowered herself to the floor, then inclined her head to give Misty a workable vector.

Lips carefully touched the seat of magical power. Brought a little of the length into the warm mouth, and a tongue began to cautiously explore.

"Mmm..." Misty half-voiced.

"Not bad," Opaline allowed. "I thought I would need to tell you to lick --"

"...boysenberry..."

"STOP!"

The unicorn jumped back, and Opaline leapt to her full height.

"I -- I am not flavored!" the alicorn spat as the abandoned horn ignited, the corona dancing with lumen-formed spikes. "No matter what the hue might suggest, regardless of what certain deservedly-deceased parties might have claimed, alicorns are not classified by fruit! And for you of all ponies to suggest --"

Misty was trembling. Shaking. Her buttocks were on the floor, and yet she was scurrying backwards --

"-- actually," Opaline abruptly recalled, "I did get into the boysenberry late last night. And I used the tip of my horn to open the jar. So there might have been some left. Clean my horn, Misty."

Slowly, the unicorn stood up. Approached again. Polishing ensued.

"...your horn?" Misty finally asked.

"Yes," Opaline said. "One must be able to use a horn for all sorts of things. Including, rather obviously, for sex. We'll get to that part. But in this case, for jars."

"...oh."

"I blame my pegasus aspect," the alicorn offhoofedly added. "Just try to find a pegasus who can open a jar. Historically. ...oh, for the sake of me, Misty, you're taking forever. Go back to licking it off."

And eventually, the lessons ended.

Misty was sent back out into the world. She was given a few stray antiques to sell in Maretime Bay: the money had to come from somewhere, and Opaline's personal stash was no longer recognized as coin. This was added to a shopping list, ongoing orders to get ahold of dragon, crystals, or anything else which might grant victory, and -- as long as she was in the city, Opaline had instructed her to seduce somepony.

Not one of the main targets. The lessons had ended, but true practice had only begun. Opaline didn't want a clumsy first attempt (and really, was Misty capable of any other kind?) ruining everything. So she'd told her minion to pick another. And now she was waiting in the throne room, because there was going to be a book delivery, new types of food, perhaps a decent movie was finally on the horizon and really, this just gave her more incentive to conquer the world. Opaline was hardly going to stoop to doing her own shopping, but having an endless parade of the subjugated delivering tribute would eventually deliver something with a workable plot. That was statistics again.

Her forehooves drummed against the seat of the throne. It was taking forever for Misty to get back. Opaline had forever and somehow, the girl was once again threatening to use all of it --

-- she heard a door open. This was followed by the sound of advancing hooves.

"Get away from me already! If I have to tell you one more time..!"

Too many hooves.

"No way, 'sweetheart'!" declared a male voice so arrogant as to create audible quotes. "Not until I see where you're leading me!" The stallion paused. "Where are we? How far did we even come? It already felt like I'd been following you for hours, and now we're in some dark building in the middle of bucking nowhere --"

Her minion, lightly trembling in a way which made full saddlebags shake, came into the throne room. The red-furred stallion was almost directly behind her.

Opaline looked him over. It didn't take very long, because there wasn't much of anything to regard. She'd tried to tell Misty about how confidence could substitute for looks. When it came to the stallion, self-reinforced raw idiocy was currently trying to fill in for appearance, education, intelligence, income level, and quite possibly genital size. He projected the utter assuredness of somepony who moved through life under a guiding philosophy of One Thought Fits All, mostly because he wasn't capable of having a second one.

He had a surprisingly weak build for an earth pony. The blond mane was slicked back in a way which suggested multiple ponies had been spitting on it, and he possessed eyebrows so thick as to serve as the points of first attention. This initially drew consideration away from his face and once Opaline reached the smirking features, she decided that had been a good thing.

Misty executed a four-legged scurry towards the throne. Seeking the protection of the powerful. Opaline didn't blame her.

"-- and you're going to have to explain some of this eventually --" the stallion continued --

-- which was when he saw Opaline.

She didn't smile. Her lower lip curled as his jaw dropped, wings extended at the exact moment he tried to turn and run, and then her horn ignited.

Heatless fire surrounded the stallion's inadequate body, and unceremoniously slammed him against the nearest wall.

Opaline held him there, and noted that she hadn't lost her touch. The stallion's chin had been pressed in such a way as to leave him staring straight up, which at least meant she didn't have to keep looking at his face --

-- actually, that was something of a pity. It would have been nice to get some fresh visible fear.

"W-w-w-what?" he barely managed to stammer. "W-what are you...?"

Opaline sighed. Slowly, she got up from the throne, and stopped when she could properly look down on Misty.

"Explain," the alicorn ordered. "Quickly."

"I was trying to practice seduction," Misty quickly said. "And you didn't want it getting back to any of them. So I picked the pony they all try to avoid. And won't talk to."

Perfect eyes rolled.

"Tactically," Opaline generously decided, "there might have been worse choices. Somehow. And really, Misty, you've brought me an education --"

"Let go of me!" the stallion desperately panted. "You have no idea who I am!"

"-- through delivering the single most inferior pony who could ever exist," the alicorn concluded.

"HEY!"

"Quite the specimen," Opaline observed.

"I'M GONNA TELL MY MOM!"

Her corona tightened. The red jaw closed.

"Which does bring up the question of whether we need to dissect it," she wearily finished. "Exactly what happened?"

"I tried," Misty helplessly said. "And I thought it worked. He followed me. But that's all he did. He just kept following. He didn't really talk about wanting to do anything." She paused. "He did say something about my butt a few times. Mostly about how he didn't want to see it leave. But it was like he had no idea what was supposed to come next. All he did was follow."

Very carefully, "I need to make sure of this, Misty. He didn't try to --"

"-- no. That's why I didn't use the enchantment to knock him out," the worn-out unicorn said. "You said it was only for that. And he never touched me."

Opaline sighed.

"You know who he is, obviously."

"Sprout Cloverleaf," Misty informed.

The stallion's body failed to jerk against the wall. Opaline offhoofedly noted the total lack of strength which had gone into the non-effort.

"Did I ask for a name? I need the important detail, Misty."

"Which is...?"

Intellect dictated the question. "Will he be missed?"

Misty visibly considered the matter.

"...technically?" she offered up. "Ponies would sort of notice if he was gone. They wouldn't have anypony to laugh at. Or kick garbage towards. He cleans up a lot of garbage."

"Well, like does call to like," Opaline regretfully decided. "So his permanent absence would be noticed. I suppose I'll just have to wipe his memory."

The stallion's body stopped trying to move.

"You can do that?" Misty asked.

The alicorn looked over the full saddlebags. Several thick hardcovers were bowing out the fabric.

"I see you stopped at the bookstore."

"Yes."

A little more eagerly, "And the sex toy shop?"

"...yes. One of them was -- sort of peeking out from under the left lid when I found him. I think that's part of why he kept following me."

Opaline thought about it.

"A memory wipe normally isn't advisable," she admitted in the charity which came from possibly having gotten something decent to read and the chance to explore the innovations which a few intervening centuries had hopefully provided. "With most sapients, it's rather like trying to evaporate water from an ocean. You can't count on getting the right drams. However, when there's clearly only a few drops available..." She shrugged. "Besides, it's rather obvious that I can't do any damage which nature hasn't already inflicted." A regal head slowly shook. "Drop off the saddlebags, Misty. Then get yourself some dinner and go to bed. I'll take care of this. You can lead him back in the morning. I can keep him from remembering that, too."

The girl's head dipped. "I'm sorry."

"You were practicing," Opaline acknowledged. "When one truly thinks about it, you did something right in getting him to follow you this far. And as 'something' is better than your usual 'nothing'..."

She looked at the saddlebags. The stallion. And then she had a perfect thought.

"Food and bed, Misty," she ordered. "And regardless of your normal duties, do not come to check on me until sunrise. We'll review and discuss your seduction technique later. And your aim. Leave."

"I'm -- not in trouble?" her minion disbelievingly checked. "I'm really not --"

"LEAVE."

Saddlebags dropped to the floor. Misty left.

Opaline looked at the stallion, still pressed against the wall.

Not exactly my taste. Possibly not anypony's, and she would need to speak with Misty about that too. But the intruder was a stallion, if only on technicality. The first one she'd been alone with in...

...in...

Why not? After all, part of the point for the trip had been for Misty to bring her back a new toy...

Her corona peeled him off the wall. Rotated the weak form, adjusted a few limb positions, and then deposited the male in front of her: common sense meant she'd placed his forelegs in a half-bend, because superiority needed to be acknowledged. Glow receded from the red jaw, allowing him to speak.

"You," Opaline announced, "will now consent to sexual intercourse." And waited.

The stallion's mouth didn't open immediately. The lips, which possessed exactly as much intellect as the brain, used the opportunity to move into a sneer.

"You're kidding," the stallion declared. "You're kidding, right?"

Opaline blinked.

"One of the freaks was trying to turn me on with her stupid plushy butt!" the stallion snarled. "So I followed her! Just so she could see it hadn't worked!"

"You do realize," the alicorn slowly began, "that you are making no sense --"

"-- and the longer I followed her, the less she'd done to me! Because I wouldn't fall for her tricks! And she brought me to you, and what are you? The biggest freak of all! Horn and wings! At least Sunny can put the stupid glow away! Those things are just attached, attached forever, and --" which was when he began to gag "-- I think I'm going to be sick..."

Her corona slammed the red jaw shut.

"Oh, do swallow it back," she crossly told the choking sounds. "Even a total idiot should be capable of that."

The alicorn, who was the single most put-upon entity in history (and was qualified to know), indulged in a long sigh.

"Well, I'm hardly going to rape you," she informed him. "The inevitable ruler of the world still needs to possess certain basic standards. Otherwise, what's evil even for?"

He choked a few more times. She tilted his head back until it stopped, which left his open terror staring up into eyes of cold fire.

Opaline sighed again.

"'Missed'," she regretfully observed. "I suppose there's no choice, then. You'll be sent back in the morning."

Relief began to saturate nauseated red features.

"And given your charming personality," Opaline casually added, "I doubt anypony will question why you were kicked almost to death."

And with that, the lone flawless being in all of existence went to work.

Really, was it too much to ask for her minion's first attempt to have accidentally brought back somepony suitable? -- well, perhaps it was. She was still stuck with directing a single incompetent. (There was no point in recruiting the stallion, who was clearly worse. Besides, even if she withdrew the scream-blocking corona from his mouth, he would be agreeing under duress.) But perhaps they could continue the girl's education later, and as much as a single percent of what Opaline taught might stick.

He was following her for hours...

That thought carried her across the next six solid kicks. Trying to imagine being so utterly, pathetically lonely, so desperate for company as to latch onto, of all possible ponies, Misty. And then openly, audibly lying to himself about the reasons why...

She'd have to tell Gertrude.