Joe Biden's Secret Weapon
The Avengement of Sleepy Joe
Joe Biden was in trouble.
4 years ago, he had narrowly beaten Donald Trump in the 2020 election and become the 48th president of the United States. At first, America (the sane portion of it, that is) celebrated. It seemed like the country would finally be run by a competent individual.
Unfortunately, things began to slide down over time.
Now, as he sat in his office, he realized he was running out of ideas. He was losing following, and it seemed that more people knew him by Sleepy Joe than by his actual name. He was running against Trump once again, but this time it seemed that his opposition had the advantage. It was worse than last time. The Trumpies were everywhere.
Biden was trying to figure out a solution for America's fucked up economy, but he couldn't help feeling like he was screwed. With the way things were going, he probably was. His country wasn't exactly a model nation, and obesity rates were so high it seemed there were more vegetables running the country than being consumed. It was disastrous.
Biden's advisor, Mike Donilon, walked into the office. "Sir," he said. "It's not looking good. You're tanking in the early polls."
"Jesus, is it that bad?" asked Biden. Donilon nodded gravely.
Biden sighed. He didn't want it to come to this. But it seemed there was no other option. He picked up his phone and dialed a special number, set up by him and its owner in the past. On the third ring, the recipient of the call picked up. "Is this who I think it is?" said a voice on the other end.
"Yes," said Biden.
It was none other than Princess Celestia, who happened to hold a role similar to his in a world very different from his. About halfway through his term, he was notified about a failed operation in Area 51 that had opened up some kind of magical rift. On the other side of it was a world filled with talking ponies. Thankfully, these ponies were sensible enough to let their princess handle it, and through conversation Biden came to an agreement with her. What she wanted was to introduce her ponies to the human world, and make way for the two species to coexist. He promised her he would if she could help him when he needed it.
Well, now he needed it.
"What do you require?" asked the princess.
"I need help getting reelected," the president replied. "Right now it doesn't look like I'm doing too well. As the kids say these days, I'm totally cooked, man."
Celestia winced at Biden's attempt to be cool before responding. "Is there any way I can help with this?" She had no clue how she would be able to help him win an election.
"I have an idea," said Biden. "It might sound a little dumb, but I think we can make it work."
"And what would this idea be?"
"The first thing we're gonna do," said Biden, as a sly smile crept across his face, "is get that portal wide open."
Biden's flight to Nevada had not been comfortable.
He had been nervous the entire way, to the point where he had turned down a bowl of his favorite chocolate ice cream that his aide had offered him to calm him down. Usually he'd be all for it, but now wasn't the time. He was worried about all the things that could go wrong, and his mind was in desperate need of easing. But he had to stay focused. And awake. Sometimes he struggled with that.
The moment they touched down in Las Vegas, his advisor took a look at him and was surprised to see his eyes wide open. That was when he realized how serious his president was taking this. After exiting his jet without tripping once, Biden was escorted into a limousine, and with a few squad cars following behind, they began the journey north, toward the most confidential location in the country.
When they reached the gates they were immediately let through. I would describe what it was like in there, but I think you know why that ain't happening. Eventually, Biden reached a room. In the room was a rift that until today had been closed and contained for almost two years, as well as a pony princess that had recently stepped through said rift.
"Good to see you, Joe," said Celestia, who was one of the few beings on Earth that could call him Joe to his face. "I am happy to see you made it alright."
"Of course," Biden replied. "Good to see you too." There was a table between the two, and he sat down. The princess simply dropped to her haunches as they prepared to initiate their plan. Donilon watched nervously, as did the four highly trained guards standing near the door.
"Let us not waste any time," said Celestia. "Are you positive you wish to go through with this? I believe I speak the obvious when I say this action cannot be rescinded. If I allow my ponies through this rift, I will not be forcing them back through it regardless of whether your desire changes."
Biden nodded. "I understand."
"Good," the princess replied with a smile. "So, how do you intend to do this? I assume you don't want them walking into your top-secret facility."
Biden scratched his head. "Uh, about that...is it possible to move it?"
"Move what?" asked Celestia.
"The portal."
She thought about it for a moment. "I shall see. Where exactly would you want it moved to?"
Biden took a moment to think. It was hard work. Then, lightbulb. "Washington, DC."
With some effort, the portal was then moved to the US Capitol, by way of something I don't need to describe because I'm not here for plot advancement and neither are you. Eventually, Biden stood before a small building next to the White House fitted specifically for this rift. He then had his aides put a sign in front of it reading "Welcome to Earth". He also signed it at the bottom, and to add a more welcoming feel, he drew a small smiley face. His advisor facepalmed upon seeing it.
"Looks good to me," said the president. "But before we can start, we need a press conference."
Celestia nodded. "It is likely I will need to hold one myself. I do hope you'll be able to attend."
"Sure," said Biden. "As long as you can stay for mine. It should be set up in a few hours."
"Noted," said the princess. "But for now I must head back. I need to take care of some things..." she then stepped through the portal and disappeared.
As Biden's advisors began setting up what would become a historic press conference, Biden smiled to himself. So far, all was going well. And he hadn't fallen asleep once.
LATER THAT DAY
Celestia couldn't have been more satisfied.
In one day she had managed to not only gain a new ally in Joe Biden but also be a part of two press conferences that both went much better than expected. The human media was much more blunt than she was ready for, but she survived, and the end result was exactly what she had wanted it to be.
Now, having done most of the hard work, the only things left to do was integrate her ponies into human society, and ensure the human population understood that it was the work of Biden that had allowed it to happen. He could take the credit for it, which would aid him in being reelected. It was a plan she had been skeptical of at first, but it was coming along nicely.
The first to go through the portal were the Mane Six, unsurprisingly. The princess figured it was best for them to get their bearings before anypony else, as they were the ones she trusted the most if something went wrong.
"Princess?" said Twilight, standing before the ominous-looking rift. "Are you sure about this?"
"Yes," she replied with a smile. She wasn't completely sure about this, to be truthful. But sure enough that it was gonna happen.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight stepped through, and her friends soon followed. On the other side, they were greeted by a sign welcoming them to Earth, right next to a pair of doors. Walking through those, they found hundreds of cameras flashing in their faces, with the humans holding them being held back by ropes and guards. Twilight put her head down. Rainbow, being the attention lover she was, posed.
Celestia, who was still in Equestria, just hoped it was going well. If she and the human president could pull this off, it could be a great opportunity for her ponies as well as the humans. As long as they didn't fight each other.
Biden, meanwhile, was feeling better than ever. He greeted the six ponies in front of a large limousine, and told them they'd be going to a nearby hotel while the specific things were figured out. He made sure to look as saintly as possible, understand all the potential voters around him. If this went like he planned, he'd be remembered forever.
It went like he planned.
At the next presidential debate, he didn't have great solutions for all the country's major problems, but he had his feat of making nice with talking ponies to back him. Donald Trump wasn't any better when it came to the real issues, and the best argument he could come up with was that he could stay awake when people were speaking to him.
Both presidential candidates and their delusional fanbases would go on to flame each other on Twitter over the results of the debate, because Twitter was where people went to say things that were too stupid for people to care about in person. However, even the people who actually had sense felt it was better to choose Biden. He had made peace with another species and brought them to Earth, while Trump had done little outside of clapping back at his haters online while he took a shit. After all, it was his specialty.
About a month before election day, things couldn't look better for Joe Biden. He was no longer being called Sleepy Joe, and he was crushing it with the voters. All the poll predictions showed him as the winner, and it looked like his job was safe for another four years.
As he sat in his office, feeling at peace with the world, he received a call on his personal phone. It was Donald Trump, his rival. It was rare that they talked one on one, but not too far out of the normal. He picked up. "Hello?" he said.
"How did you do all this?" Trump asked. "And how is it fair?"
"Only thing you need to know is where the nearest McDonald's is," Biden replied. "So you can find a job application."
Once again, Biden's joke did not come off as funny nor clever. Trump sighed. "Can't you just be normal?"
"Normal?" Biden replied. "You told people to inject themselves with hand sanitizer. You were totally wack, man. I'm gonna be smoking your pack in November." He had a slang dictionary in front of him, and was having too much fun with it.
"Seriously?" Trump replied. "Joe, If talking ponies is all it takes to bail your sleepy ass out, I guess there really is no hope for this country. I hope you choke on a peanut."
"And I hope you choke on a COVID test, sucker. Have fun losing." He hung up, feeling incredibly smug.
Despite his cringe use of slang, Biden had things in the bag. And as you would expect, he captured the vote of most of the country, even managing to convert some of the Trumpies, and was reelected in a blowout. Trump, meanwhile, went back to being a businessman while also keeping what was left of his delusional fanbase around for 2028.
As for Celestia, she agreed to help Biden with his decision making. Not because she enjoyed working with him, but because the country he was running now had her ponies in it as well. Thus, she was there to make sure he would never fall asleep during any important meetings.
Luna took on the role of leading Equestria, at least during the times Celestia wasn't there. Thankfully, this didn't cause too many problems.
Was America saved? Absolutely fucking not. Hardly any of the major issues were getting solved, and Biden ended up going viral for tripping on his way into his jet. Again. But he didn't care. He was just happy his plan worked.
He was also glad that he wouldn't have to deal with whatever bullshit Trump was plotting for the next election.
Author's Note
And that concludes the worst fic you could have possibly wasted your time with today. By the time I finished this, I hated it. There's a good chance you now hate it too.
But if you somehow found a way to enjoy this, leave a like. it would make me feel way better knowing that I didn't completely bomb here.
