Pinkie Pie Eats an Arbitrary Number of Pancakes
It was a day of the week in a month of the year, and Pinkie Pie had only recently learned about the word 'arbitrary'. She had read about it in the dictionary she kept beside her bed, which was probably a very normal place to keep it.
Once a week she opened the dictionary to the bookmarked page and read one of the words, making it a goal to find a use for the word at least once in the following week.
She had made it from Aa- to Ar- without issue, thankfully not every word is as hard to use as antidisestablishmentarianism.
But yet here she sat in Sugarcube Corner, a week and a half without having found a good, funny use of the word. Sure, there had been ample opportunities to slip it into conversation. But nothing quite felt just right.
It was too much of A Word to use so carelessly. It needed something special. And as she poured a beyond ample amount of syrup on her pancakes, she was struck by an idea that was both slightly absurd and oddly satisfying.
She'd need some time to get the necessary materials, and permission from Mrs. Cake. After an amount of time that was likely reasonable, she was ready. She'd even enlisted her best friend's help for the un-agreed upon duration of this mission.
That was the moment that Twilight Sparkle arrived to ruin the whole thing.
For Twilight Sparkle, it was a day like any other. She had awoken at 6:00 AM on the dot, snoozed her alarm for exactly one hour, then rose to face the day. Spike already had breakfast prepared, two slices of toast and a cup of coffee with two teaspoons of milk stirred in just how she liked it.
She spent the rest of the morning perusing the local newspaper, then reading a chapter of the latest theoretical magic textbook. She liked to keep up-to-date with research in her field. On the last page of the chapter was a sticky-note that she left herself, to remind her to pick up her order from Sugarcube Corner later that day. She had left it there the day before after she placed her order.
Checking a nearby clock, she could get to the bakery and back again within twenty minutes, with a five-minute deviation for any lines at the shop or talking with a neighbor along the way.
Exactly seven minutes later, she pushed open the door to Sugarcube Corner, bell jingling overhead, and was left dumbstruck at the scene laid out before her.
Several folding plastic tables had been commandeered and moved to the center of the room, set in a semicircle around a single chair. Stacks upon stacks of pancakes dominated the makeshift stage, a strangely intimidating display. By a quick count, there was approximately-
FWIP
Twilight’s train of thought was interrupted as she was forcibly spun around, faced toward the counter and the sheepish looking Cake Matron standing behind it. She had barely a moment to consider how this occurred before a swath of blue feathers curled around her shoulders and prompted her firmly forward, away from the enigma in the center of the room.
“Heyy there Twi.” scratched a voice at her side, not pausing for her to respond. “Here to pick up your order? Super! Mrs. Cake’s got it ready for ya over here and since you paid in advance, you can collect and be on your way about twenty-percent faster than usual. Neat, huh?”
Rainbow Dash was always looking for ways to go about her daily life faster. Optimization, she once used to describe it after finding the word in a thesaurus. However, streamlining someone else’s day was not part of her usual behavior. She was either hiding something, or setting up some kind of prank.
“Dash I…” She attempted to rebut, but she was swiftly cut off by the speedster.
“Don’t you worry non, egghead.” She said, as if reading her mind. “I know you just saw something strange. And like you usually do, you want to figure it out and I get it, really. But that’s not gonna happen today. Sorry, not sorry. So let’s just get you your order and you can be on your way, deal?”
She shrugged off her friend’s pressure, taking a step away and eyeing her warily.
“Now hold on just a second. Why can’t I know? You know that the only thing worse for me than not understanding something is being denied an explanation about it.”
Rainbow shrugged, “Not today, Twi. I’ve got strict orders from the boss to keep you away from this place today and they don’t call me the element of loyalty for nothing.”
“Who’s the boss?” Twilight asked, sweeping her gaze over toward the proprietor. Mrs. Cake gave her a tired smile and gestured back toward the kitchen. As if on cue, a serving cart laden with even more pancakes wheeled through the entryway and across the kitchen. At the helm of the stack-transporter was the bouncing bubbly Pink pony of party herself.
“Hiya Twilight! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, your order is ready and with Mrs. Cakemeister.”
“Pinkie Pie, I should've guessed you had something to do with this.” The urge to groan and facehoof intensified.
“Oh I have plenty to do with this! Nearly all of it but not quite. Dash is helping.”
“Sure am!”
“And Mrs. Cake ma’am sir-ee said I could use the kitchen for my own personal project this morning as long as it didn’t interfere with helping the other customers.”
“I did say that, yes.” she provided helpfully.
“Ok but that still doesn’t explain what this project is and why it involves so many pancakes.”
Pinkie passed the group and added the fresh stacks to the already quite large wall of them atop the central tables.
“Well I’m going to eat them, silly. That’s what you do with pancakes!”
“Not everyone wears pancakes on their horn like a hat, Twi.” Dash snickers.
Ignoring the teasing and the heat in her cheeks, Twilight pressed onward.
“But why do you need so many? Are you having a breakfast party?”
Pinkie regarded her as one would a child asking frivolous questions.
“Obviously not. A breakfast party would involve a lot more food than just some pancakes. You would need to have bagels and jam and honey and cereal and…”
As Pinkie continued to list off breakfast items, Twilight turned her attention back to the pancakes in question. She started to count how many were in the closest stack when Dash abruptly stepped into her field of vision.
Dash positioned herself in a way so that Twilight could not see the pancakes. She moved her head, then her whole body in order to see around the pegasus, but was continually thwarted. It was like Rainbow Dash had the innate ability to perfectly block her view, which would make sense considering her aptitude for annoying the purple pony princess.
“Having trouble there, Twi?” she threw out, smugly.
Twilight frowned and glared at the mare, trying to move her aside by sheer force of will, and then she remembered that she had a horn and didn’t need to rely on force of will.
She gathered her magic and focused it like a large claw, intent on grabbing the cyan mare and casting her aside. But before she could form the spells, a hoof shot up and gave her horn a firm bop, interrupting her focus and dissipating the magic gathered there.
Dash’s grin was even smugger than before.
“Nuh uh,” she swaggered, “that’s cheating. The less you see what’s behind me, the easier it’ll be for everyone.”
Pinkie disappeared behind Dash after having retrieved a set of utensils from the kitchen, the creak of a chair heralding her having taken the prominent seat inside the batter-built castle walls.
Dash’s ear flicked at the sound, “You ready Pinks?”
“Ready Dash! Let’s do this!” She wasted no further time and dug in, already moving four pancakes onto the plate before her and slathering them with syrup from her industrial-sized bottle of syrup. She had loved to use some butter and powdered sugar as well, but Mrs. Cake put a stop to that early in the planning process.
Not even Pinkie should consume that much sugar in one sitting, and the sugar-content of the syrup itself was already approaching an unhealthy amount.
Dash turned her head to give Pinkie a last shout of encouragement, leaving Twilight with what she believed to be just enough of an opportunity to slip by.
Unfortunately, each feather along Dash’s wing was like a tripwire and they were partially splayed in excitement. Twilight lightly brushed one, barely exerting enough force to bend the stem.
She may as well have slapped the whole wing with how quickly the pegasus reacted, side-stepping back in front of her with ease and blocking her route. She radiated mirth to an annoying degree as her head slowly swiveled around to focus back on Twilight.
“Nice try but not really. You are not getting past me that easily. Gonna have to move quicker than that, egghead.”
“Dash, let's be honest with each other here.” Twilight took a step back, the sounds of Pinkie merrily noshing permeating the background. “I’m gonna get past you, one way or another. I’m a unicorn turned alicorn with enough bang in my horn to lift a mountain, and I’m dedicated enough to rearrange an entire library by myself once a week.”
Dash nodded. “That’s true, but that horn won’t be of much use if I can consistently cancel out your casting or suitably interrupt you. I’m faster than you every day of the week. And even if you do manage to bring any of that crazy powerful alicorn magic to bear, we’re in a bakery during business hours.”
A townspony walked by, seemingly oblivious to the showdown or the massive number of breakfast disks. Dash continued, her voice even and confident.
“You won’t try anything that has enough chutzpah to do any real damage to the building, or that might catch other ponies in the crossfire. And yeah you’re determined, but is knowing the answer really worth whatever chaos we’re gonna start here?
On top of that, I’m your friend and you don’t want to hurt me. It’s checkmate, Twi. You either gotta get really, really creative, or walk out that door with your order.”
Twilight pursed her lips, her brow creasing into a thoughtful scowl.
“Pinkie thought through all of this and coached you, didn’t she?”
Dash nodded. “Oh yeah, she figured it all out. Kinda scary when she really puts her head to something.”
“And you can’t tell me what this is or give me even the littlest hint?”
“Sorry Twi. To use Pinkie’s own words, ‘Where’s the fun in that?’” She laughed and widened her stance slightly, indicating that she was ready for a non-verbal rebuttal. Her tail lashed behind her like a playful cat.
“And what about you? I don’t suppose you can shed any light on this for me?” Twilight addressed Mrs. Cake.
“I am sorry, dear. She made me Pinkie Promise not to spoil her fun.”
“Thank you, that was expectedly unhelpful. Darn you Pinkie.”
“You're welcome!” Came the gargled response from the other side of mount hotcake.
Dash’s smirk was deadly as she called back to her compatriot. “How many do you think you’ve eaten so far, Pinks?”
“I have no idea!” Pinkie all but cheered after swallowing.
Twilight’s curiosity burned behind her eyes. Pinkie wasn’t EVEN COUNTING? This was all too bizarre, too ordinary, and too simple. There had to be a big prank or some larger scheme at work here.
Dash was acting too smug for there not to be. And even if this wasn’t part of some prank, why wasn’t she allowed to know about it? Why the secrecy? Why so many pancakes? Why pancakes?
It was too much. She HAD to know why. Only one pony had the answers she desired, nothing but a wall of pancakes and a mischievous pegasus separated them.
Twilight squared her stance and narrowed her eyes. Dash cracked her neck and winked at her. Mrs. Cake sighed and stepped away from the counter to fetch a mop and bucket.
Twilight was the first to move, galloping straight at the other mare. She feinted one way and tried to slip around her when she reacted to the ploy. Dash was ready for it, however, and gracefully pivoted around to check her with her hip. The bump sent her sliding a short distance between tables.
They were still largely ignored by the other patrons, even as Twilight used the distance to cast a spell, now far enough away that Dash wouldn’t be able to reach her to fizzle it out. She blinked out of view in a muted purple flash, the only sound betraying her destination being the accompanying sound and magical flourish of a well-executed teleport.
Twilight was talented and practiced enough that she could thread a needle using teleportation alone, from nearly an acre away. But Dash was used to watching her friend zip to and fro in town with teleportation.
The next second after arriving at the edge of the great wall of hotcakes, Twilight’s front legs were swiftly swept out from underneath her. A hoof connected firmly with her barrel, tumbling her head over rear toward the door. She blew her mane out of her eyes with a puff of air, glaring with intent.
Dash had the audacity to yawn and rub her neck, as if she had just got up from a nap.
Fires lit behind Twilight’s eyes as her horn charged with magic. With a pop, she was on the ceiling and sprinting upside down toward the pile. Dash leapt into the air to cut her off, but found herself instead smacking into the inside of a bubble-shaped shield. Twilight’s horn continued to glow as she multi-casted the two spells.
It was quickly discovered that the bubble was not imobile, Dash made chase like a hamster across the slippery tile floor. When Twilight stopped at the edge of the pancake zone, Dash positioned herself directly below and jumped against the top of the bubble. It traveled up with her and knocked Twilight sideways.
The two shared another glare and moved again. Twilight tried to get close to Pinkie, and Dash occasionally tapped the ceiling near her with the bubble to drive her off. After a minute, Twilight canceled one of her spells and jumped down, landing on top of the bubble. With no hesitation, she turned and started running away from Pinkie atop the bubble, bringing her closer.
Like a log roller in a competition, she balanced atop the sphere while the unfortunate pegasus lost her footing and started rolling and tumbling inside. When she finally got close enough to attempt a dismount, Dash remembered she had wings and took flight inside the ball, narrowly avoiding getting caught up in the spin again. She shoved with her shoulder against the side, the abrupt shift disrupting Twilight enough to send her off.
The bubble disappeared with a pop as Twilight lost her concentration, leaving them both panting in the open. Mrs. Cake reappeared, resolutely toting with her the mop and a bucket on wheels for the eventual aftermath.
Dash was closer to the breakfast fort, and Mrs. Cake. By the time Twilight closed the distance, she had already armed herself with the mop, wielding it like a spear and using her wings to maintain a two-legged stance. But Twilight was not going for the pile.
Reaching out with her magic, she grabbed a hold of the bucket full of soapy water and yanked, sending it careening into Dash’s side. The pegasus was soaked instantly, losing precious time to brush the wet mane out of her eyes. She was just fast enough to catch a glimpse of Twilight galloping forward. She raised the mop and swung, Twilight deftly ducking underneath it. But the movement caused her hooves to slip on the sudsy floor.
Both pairs of eyes widened as they collided with a painful thud, the momentum carrying them the remaining distance straight into the legs of one of the tables. The tables, having valiantly held up the mass of pancakes for this long, exhibiting near Atlas-level strength, crumpled at the impact.
Like dominoes, every other table collapsed and the once mighty pancake structure fell with them, covering the trio. The scene drew a concerned glance or two from the other patrons, several had to lift their hooves to avoid the soapy water, but the bakery was largely unaffected.
Twilight emerged first, slightly battered and just a little battered, slowly surveying the chaos. Taking stock of the carnage, she contemplated just what she had done. What seemingly innocent prank may have been ruined at the hands of her own stubborn curiosity. Her head hung solemnly, the pancake speared upon her horn languidly sliding off to join its brothers on the floor.
Pinkie was next to appear, rising up from the largest of the piles of floor-pancakes. She was covered nearly head-to tail in syrup and breakfast bits, her mane sticky and clinging to her head and neck. Her chin touches her chest, her eyes hidden behind her mane.
Twilight raised her hoof, then put it down. She opened her mouth to speak, to apologize.
Before she could muster the words, Pinkie Pie exploded, jumping into the air and whooping jubilantly, her hooves raised and face alight with joy.
“That was AMAZING!” She pranced around on the makeshift pancake dancefloor, giggling and smiling from ear to fuzzy ear.
Twilight was at a loss as she turned to her, grinning madly. She hugged the alicorn and spun her around.
“Thank you so much for coming, Twi Twi! I really appreciate it!” She set her down. “How many pancakes would you say I ate, Twilight?
“I uh..” Twilight struggled to make sense of the situation, which had been derailed so spectacularly compared to when she first walked in. “I don’t know, a bunch? I couldn’t count because of Rainbow Dash.”
Pinkie’s head bobbed up and down rapidly. “So it’s an unknowable amount? One that doesn’t really matter at this point?”
“Yeah, I guess?” Neurons were firing in her head, but they had the aim of an average evil minion from a sci-fi movie.
Pinkie’s smile somehow grew even more giddy, she was practically vibrating. “So the number of pancakes I ate, you could say it was… arbitrary?”
“I… yes?!?” Twilight answered, befuddled nearly beyond words.
Pinkie Pie celebrated, tossing soiled disks around and trying to make a pancake snow-angel.
One of the tables flipped over, Dash crawling out into the light. She takes a shaky step forward, almost slipping on a particularly soapy spot.
“Did we do it?” she rasps, staring intently at her pink co-perpetrator. She nods and Dash lets out a victory scream.
As the duo dances around ground zero merrily, Twilight finally snaps.
“Can somepony please tell me what THE HAY IS GOING ON?”
Several minutes later, Mrs. Cake oversees the cleanup operation as Pinkie tells her tale, explaining her plan as the three mares slowly shrink the affected zone. Twilight could not deny it, Pinkie’s cunning and devotion to the bit was truly impressive. She could hardly fault her friend for using her in her plan, considering how effectively she nailed down how Twilight would act and react.
“So it wasn’t enough that you were going to just eat a random number of pancakes, you couldn't just do it alone after hours. It had to be observed, or else it would not have felt satisfying?”
“An arbitrary number of pancakes,” Pinkie corrected. “And exactamundo.”
“And me being me, I was the perfect foil to this plan. You knew I was not going to be able to let it go. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from trying to quantify it.”
“Your curiosity was indeed your downfall. Rarity would have seen the disaster coming from a mile away, and thus avoided it. Fluttershy would not have had the heart to try and get past Dash, though she’s the one with the best chance of actually managing it. And Applejack is used to my brand of insanity, so she’d probably have just wished me luck and been on her way.”
“And you needed Dash to be your muscle, basically a distraction, since you would need to be eating?”
“Yepperooni. Though, I didn’t tell her that part.”
“Then what did you tell her?” Twilight cocked her head curiously.
“I told her that I needed her to simultaneously rile you up and keep you away from me as I worked. She took it as a challenge and didn’t bother to hear anything else about the plan.”
“Yeah that makes sense.” She glanced at the pegasus who was currently wiping spots off the ceiling with a wet rag. She stopped long enough to smirk down at her and wink again.
“So,” She ventured as she levitated a table for Pinkie to mop underneath. “What will you do now?”
Pinkie paused her work to pull a book out of her mane, licking a little bit of syrup off of the cover before opening it to a marked page.
“I’m gonna try to use archaeomagnetism in a sentence.”
Author's Note
Allo!
This is bug. I still live, persisting out of spite And fluff.
This fic was inspired by the word ARBITRARY which, when combined with Pinkie Pie, seemed like too good of an idea to pass up on. It took me a bit of banging my head against a wall to come together, and I'm still terrible with tenses, but I'm satisfied with how it came out.
Hope everyone who read this enjoyed it. And if you did, feel free to leave me a comment. They are an author's cookies and milk.
Edit: Now with a sequel! Find it here!
