I'm not lame.

by Gormless Wheaton

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 2670

Shining Armor is not lame, and means to prove it to his daughter.

Shining Armor just wanted to spend some quality with his daughter. But now much more is on the line.

She thinks he's lame, and he has no choice but to prove her wrong.

Originally a standalone idea I was playing with, now an entry in the Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad 2024 Competition. And ain't that a mouthful?

Published 2024-02-24 01:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-24 01:30:00 UTC

Not Lame

Shining Armor happily trotted along the halls of the Crystal Palace all by his lonesome, occasionally returning salutes to the guards he passed on the way. His beloved wife Princess Cadance had been called away from the Empire to Manehattan, so he had some free time for a few days and knew exactly how he wanted to spend at least some of it.

Skipping around the corner he stopped in front of a circular pink crystal door with a golden knob. Through the door, a harsh screeching noise squealed at a volume that made the door pulse and vibrate.

"Flurry, can I come in?" He pounded his hoof on the door a few times. The noise cut off suddenly, replaced with a squawk of frustration.

"Just a sec!" A desperate squeal called out. Shining nodded his head left and right, shuffling his hooves and humming at the flash of light visible through the cracks around the door. "Come in~!" Shining smiled and pushed the door open.

On the other side was a spacious, cozy room decorated with pink heart-shaped pillows, heart-patterned curtains and rugs, and a pink sofa with a heart-shaped table with a pink porcelain tea set in front of it. The pair of tall windows let the sun's light stream in, framing the queen-sized bed upon which sat his teenage daughter, Princess Flurry Heart, in a dainty, demure pose with a subdued smile.

Much like her pink coat and colorful curly mane, her demeanor was contrasted sharply by heavy black make-up, an equally dark dress, and numerous piercings on her nose and left ear.

"You forgot your make-up," Shining declared. Flurry blanched and swiped her hoof over her face, slipping the clip-on jewelry off and hiding it under her hoof. Shining raised an eyebrow and smirked. "See? If we let you get actual piercings, you wouldn't have been able to hide 'em!" Flurry beamed and hummed before frowning and looking past him.

"Is Mom back?" She whispered. When Shining shook his head, she scowled, rolled her eyes, and lit up her horn. In a flash, the cutesy heart-themed room was transformed into a dark, grungy hellscape made up primarily of the grim and wicked decorations favored by the long-dead former ruler of the Empire. A tall set of speakers also popped into existence and immediately blasted Shining's mane back with the roar of 'music' they produced. Flurry groaned. "Sorry!" She reached over and flipped a dial on one of the speakers, cutting the sound off. Shining stood bleary-eyed and dazed before shaking his head and smiling.

"So hey! What's uh," he hesitated upon seeing Flurry lounging and reading from a black leather-bound tome with a stylized goat and star on its front. After a moment, she glanced up at him with her eyes and raised an eyebrow. "What's that?" She stared at him for a moment before rolling her eyes.

"The Ars Goatia. Preclassical dark magic stuff," she groused. Shining scowled and stepped up to the side of the bed to get a better look, to Flurry's audible annoyance. He couldn't make sense of the strange symbols littering the pages, but his gut told him this was all very illegal. Flurry slammed the book shut and rolled over with a huff. "What do you want?" He held a frown for a moment before smiling.

"Well, since your mom's out of town for a few days, I was thinking we could hang out! We-"

"Pass."

"I-"

"Pass."

"Think, Shining, think," he glanced around the room and at all its frightening spiky imagery before his eyes settled on the occult text again. He narrowed his eyes and then smirked.

"So, magic, huh?" Flurry groaned in response and slammed her face into the book before drawing herself up and glaring at him.

"Dark magic, Dad. Hardcore stuff. Not like all that namby-wamby baby stuff we do with the Crystal Heart," she waved a hoof and gagged. Shining scoffed and shook his head.

"Hey, now, some pretty hardcore stuff has happened thanks to all that 'namby-wamby baby stuff,' y'know!" Flurry grumbled as he hopped up and sat next to her. "I couldn't tell you all the villains I've seen literally melt because they got blasted by pure friendship!" He beamed as inspiration struck.

"In fact, y'know what we could do to learn more?" He leaned closer with a toothy smile. Flurry scowled at him and scooted away.

"No, Dad, I don't want to visit Aunt Twilight's lame-ass friendship school."

"Oh," Shining hung his head and his ears flopped back. He glanced up at her as she turned her attention to the book. "You sure?" She growled and rolled her head to look at him.

"I mean, it's right up your alley, so if you're so desperate, feel free to go without me," she said with a wide fake smile, before frowning and returning to her book. Shining hung his head again, but his ear flicked and he frowned.

"Right up my alley?" Flurry looked up at met his curious stare.

"Yeah. Lame." His ears rang and his breath hitched. The room spun around him and he nearly tumbled over.

This could not stand.

"I'm not lame," he said meekly. Looking over his shoulder, he met his daughter's incredulous stare. He balked and stamped his hoof as hard as he could on the soft mattress. "I'm not! I was the Captain of the Canterlot Guard for years! I was head of defenses during the first changeling incursion!" Flurry snickered and smirked.

"Yeah, and how'd that go?" Shining stammered and choked, before hopping down off the bed and adopting a more confident stance.

"I faced off against Sombra alone in the wastes!" Again Flurry snickered and looked back at her book.

"Yeah, right." Shining growled and stamped his hoof.

"I did! I covered your aunt while she and her friends escaped to the city!" Flurry rolled her eyes and leered at him.

"Yeah, I'll bet he was shaking in his shoes about it." Shining recoiled and frowned.

"Well, he came back to life he chose to take you hostage rather than face me head to head!" He gave a firm nod and wore an angry smile. Flurry rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Gee, thanks. Anyway, I think he was more scared of Mom than of you," she replied, turning a page in her tome. Shining squawked in disbelief.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh, and I can prove it!"

"How? He's dead," Flurry looked up at him with wide-eyed incredulity. Shining jabbed a hoof at her but then pulled it back. He narrowed his eyes and scanned the air. Then inspiration struck and he smirked.

"Gimme an hour."

Not too long after, the pair found themselves in a dark cave hidden under the Crystal Palace. Alongside a third party.

"It's now an hour and five minutes, Dad," Flurry declared and stuffed her watch in her dress pocket.

"Thank you, honey!" Shining replied through his teeth as sweetly as he could manage. Which was harder than you'd think, as she'd announced the passage of every minute after the hour turned. Shining turned to their guest with a huff. "You heard her, go ahead!"

"This is an incredibly poor idea, you know that, right?" Discord replied from where he sat in the open air while idly filing his talons. Shining threw his head back with a groan.

"C'mon, Discord! My pride with my daughter's on the line!" Discord raised an eyebrow at him.

"I don't think seeing you get your teeth kicked in is going to patch that up." Shining recoiled, then scowled at him with a nicker. The spirit rolled his eyes and stepped onto the ground, throwing his claws up. "Fine! Fine! Just remember our deal." He bent over and jabbed a talon at Shining, which the stallion waved away with a hoof.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I'll get Cadance to help you plan something for Hearts and Hooves Day. Let's go!" He demanded before trotting in place, boxing with the air, and stretching. Discord leered at Shining and then at Flurry, who shrugged in response. The spirit snapped his talons and then appeared next to Flurry. Where he had been standing previously, an arcane circle was suddenly burned into the solid stone floor.

As Shining continued his warm-up routine, the circle glowed an eerie yellow and crackled with power. Slowly, the symbols around its ring spun and a pitch-black hole opened up in the center before spreading and consuming the entire circle. Shining whirled around and adopted a confident stance with a determined scowl. Discord meanwhile snapped his talons again and produced a bag of popcorn.

"Sick," Flurry said with a content smile as the darkness in the circle bubbled up like a fluid and then erupted in a geyser which howled and wailed as mournful faces streamed up its surface.

"You watching honey?" Her smile fell and she looked at her dad, who was waving back at her eagerly. She rolled her eyes and watched the geyser again. Suddenly, the fluid split with a metallic shriek and peeled back like a curtain. As it fell away, out of its midst stepped the former Crystal Tyrant, Master of the Dark Arts, King Sombra himself. Shining stamped his hoof and snorted as the wicked unicorn cackled.

"I live again!" Sombra roared, scanning the cave with a malicious leer. "How long have I-" He recoiled as he spied the trio, then bared his fangs and jabbed a hoof at them.

"You," he hissed and his eyes lit up. Shining smirked and took a daring step forward as the tyrant stomped his way. Then he blanched when Sombra strode right passed him and jabbed his hoof at Discord again. "Come to try and prevent my resurrection, have you?"

"Yes, that's exactly what's happening," Discord replied. Flurry began chortling as Sombra scowled at the spirit and Shining choked and stammered. Finally, the stallion stomped his hoof.

"Hey! Excuse me!" He yelled. Sombra flinched and looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. They locked eyes for a moment before the dark unicorn hummed.

"Ah, yes. Cadenza's concubine," he turned back to Discord and waved a hoof at Shining. "Yes, you're excused."

"Wh-"

"I will destroy you later," Sombra declared with a huff and shook his head. "Now, please! The serious ponies are having a confrontation." Shining's jaw dropped and Flurry buried her face in her hooves in a failed attempt to stifle her laughter. Shining scanned the air in shock before snarling and throwing himself at Sombra with a feral roar.

Sombra rolled his eyes, raised his rear hoof, and then bucked Shining in the snout. A flash of black lightning silently exploded out of the point of impact, spreading to the ceiling and walls and causing Shining to stumble back. He rubbed his nose and looked at Sombra with confusion.

Then, the boom followed.

The entire cave shook and black lightning danced around Shining's body causing his skeleton, and then his nervous system to be visible briefly. As the thunderclap faded, Shining stood smoking and twitching before collapsing unconscious. Sombra leered back at him before shaking his head.

"Anyway," he bared his fangs again and scowled at Discord. "You don't have your beloved friends to save you this time!" Discord tilted his head and scratched his chin.

"Wasn't it because I had my friends around last time that you got a shot in at me?" Sombra took another step closer with a confident sneer.

"Oh ho ho! You'd think that was true!" He held a hoof to his chest and smirked. "But while I was dead, I concocted the perfect strategy to bypass your annoying defenses!" Discord frowned and stroked his beard.

"While you were dead? How'd that work?" Sombra laughed grimly, and his eyes lit up.

"Don't worry! You'll have plenty of time to experience it yourse-" He recoiled and looked down at his chest plate, through which a faint pink glow was plainly visible. He scowled and moved to shout at Discord.

FIZZ POP

Sombra halted and heaved a breath. Sweat began to drip down his brow and to the ground. His breathing became heavier and heavier as his legs shook. Slowly, he looked to his right at Flurry, whose horn was still alight.

And in her magical grip was his still beating heart.

She disinterestedly inspected the pulsing organ for a moment before meeting Sombra's terrified eyes. She held up his heart with a gentle shake, drawing a mortified moan from the dark king before she squeezed it. Sombra thrust his hoof out at her with a desperate squeal.

"No-"

SPLAT

Sombra's eyes rolled back, and he collapsed to the ground with a gurgle, twitching briefly and then going still. Flurry tossed the burst remains of his heart onto him while Discord nodded.

"Gruesome, but effective. Very metal."

"You think so?" She asked with a genuine and eager smile. Her expression shifted to a satisfied smirk as Discord nodded. "Cool. We're telling Dad he won, though." The spirit furrowed his brow.

"We are?" He huffed and rolled his eyes when Flurry nodded. "Fine, but why?" She smiled at her father's unconscious form.

"I had fun, and I think he could use a win," she shrugged as the pair stepped passed Sombra.

"Isn't that a bit dishonest?" Discord asked as he snapped his fingers and melted what was left of Sombra.

"Dunno and don't care. Never been to Aunt Twilight's lame-ass friend school," Flurry replied before shaking Shining's shoulder. He snorted and then raised his head.

"Huzzwha?" His head swayed and he looked between Flurry and Discord before his daughter pointed at the puddle of black sludge which was previously Sombra. Shining stared at the mess for a moment before wonder washed across his face. "I did it?" He looked at Flurry who nodded with a smile.

"Yep. Great work, Dad." Shining beamed and then jumped to his hooves with a triumphant holler.

"I did it!" He whirled around and threw his foreleg over Flurry's shoulders. "See? Not so lame after all, am I?" Flurry met his smile with a smile of her own.

"Yep. Mom's gonna be blown away." And just like that Shining's expression melted away faster than Sombra's body. He stared straight ahead and then cleared his throat.

"We aren't telling your mother." Flurry recoiled and shared a look with Discord, who shrugged. Then, as she met her dad's desperate eyes, she grinned maliciously.

"What's it worth to you?" She asked coolly, drawing a bellowing cackle from Discord and a terrified whimper from Shining.

"Three days!" Cadance screamed as she paced Flurry's room, her daughter and husband sitting side-by-side with heads held in pride and shame respectively. "I leave for just three days, and you pull this?!" Cadance leaped towards Flurry and raised her hoof to the heavens before gently pointing at her properly and recently pierced ear. Flurry and Shining shared a look as Cadance stomped away.

"Of all the irresponsible things you could have done, this is, like," Cadance pranced in place before stomping her hoof. "Top three! At least! I can't even imagine something worse you could let happen!" Shining flinched and Flurry snickered. Cadance glared daggers at the pair before shaking her head with a huff.

"Honestly!" She turned and made for the door. "I am taking a walk to clear my head. Don't. Go. Anywhere." She punctuated her words with individual jabs of her hoof.

"Yes, dear," Shining murmured with his head hanging. Cadance scowled at him before slipping out the door. Once she was gone Shining took a deep breath and sighed miserably. Then he hummed in surprise when Flurry scooted up and nuzzled him.

"Love you, Dad." He scoffed and nuzzled her back.

"Love you, too."

Author's Note

Remember to cut your dads some slack, cause they're just people trying their best. And even if they aren't, well they made you, so they did at least one thing right.