Honey, Why is There a Kirin Sitting at Our Dining Room Table?

by Soaring

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Shining Armor, Slice of Life, Kirins, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 4399

Cadance was curious as to why a kirin was sitting at their dining room table. What she finds out was definitely more than what she could consider. Not that Shining Armor helped at all.

Cadance was curious as to why a kirin was sitting at her family's dining room table. Shining Armor was too.

What they find out may make Cadance reconsider her approach to family matters, while Shining Armor wonders if he'll survive the remainder of the day. After all, it was all his fault...

...right?

Written as a Judge Submission for the Shining Armor Is A Terrible Dad competition.

A spiritual, but not a direct sequel to my story, Babe, Why Is She Saying That Word? Now marked as a sequel because I'm small brained. Vittu.

Sex tag present due to how many sex jokes there are.

Edited by: Muggonny.

He didn't, but he's there in spirit!

Published 2024-03-22 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-22 17:40:01 UTC

Something, Something... Roof Kirin.

“Honey, why is there a kirin sitting at our dining room table?”

Cadance gawked as Shining Armor gave her a noncommittal shrug. “Not sure.”

The couple were sitting there, taking in the scene in front of them. Their daughter, Flurry Heart, was sitting across from them. She was much older now: a now blossoming filly, which made Cadance’s heart swell… either that or it was a sign of a heart attack coming on. Flurry Heart had grown taller and had gotten the pudginess of her baby cheeks away through Cadance’s hard work and sheer will power; she was well equipped with her rather expansive make-up collection. With her and Shining Armor’s help, Flurry Heart was eventually admitted and now attending Canterlot’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Why was she attending that school instead of the Crystal Empire’s prestigious chain school (which was way closer, by the way)? Because it was something that Shining Armor suggested, and Cadance, being the wonderful pony (and wife) that she was, agreed out of the kindness of her heart, even if it meant disappointing the kind ponies of her empire. After all, if that school has hatched some of the brightest of minds, why wouldn’t Flurry Heart be added to that collection?

Well, to say the least, Flurry Heart did fit in. A bit too well. She was sly and smart, a combination that rued every single day for Cadance and Shining Armor. Each waking second meant another second of staring their daughter down, because, let’s face it: she was trouble. She was a walking time bomb waiting to magically induce thermonuclear warfare all over their not-so-whimsical lives.

And then, there was a kirin. It was sitting right next to Flurry ‘The Ticking Time Bomb’ Heart. The kirin was staring at the couple, deadpanning with its cerulean-colored eyes.

The smell of breakfast filled the air…

“You’re not sure?”

Shining Armor tilted his head. “I mean, was I supposed to know?”

“W-Well I certainly didn’t hear that one of Flurry Heart’s friends was going to be over for breakfast!” Cadance barked. Her gaze darted between her daughter and their guest, both of which were now deadpanning at them.

“Neither did I, babe. You think I knew about this?”

Shining Armor’s furrowed brows and somewhat chiseled chin made her reconsider. She sighed and leaned back in her seat. “I see. Maybe this time you’re not at fault.”

She squeaked as her husband patted her mane. “Maybe you’re finally seeing reason.”

She couldn’t decide if her lips were trying to smile, or if she was actually smiling and her face was starting to degrade, but either way: Cadance was smiling. She was smiling at her daughter. She was smiling at Shiny. She was smiling at—

“Mom, why are you looking at Aqua like that?”

Cadance blinked. “Who?”

Shining Armor, of all ponies, jumped in to correct her silliness. “Our daughter is talking about her friend, babe.”

“Daddddd!” Flurry Heart whined. “What do you meeeeaaannn? She’s my older sister!”

…

What.

Shining Armor tilted his head. “Since when? I don’t remember making love with the kirin version of Cadance.”

Flurry Heart made a ‘ack’ noise before throwing her forehooves up in the air. “That’s gross! No, you didn’t do that. You literally signed the adoption papers yesterday!”

Cadance’s brain stuttered—A-A-A-Adoption P-P-Pa-Pa-Papers? What was she to do here? And more importantly, why did Shining Armor not communicate this to her? Didn’t she have a say in if they should adopt or not?

“Shiny…”

“Babe, I can explain—”

“Then do it. Why did you adopt a kirin without consulting me?”

Shining Armor hung his head. “I didn’t read the papers that Flurry Heart gave me. She said they were permission slips for her next field trip and I trusted her to at least tell me the truth!”

Cadance facehooved and groaned. Her forehoof slipped off her face as she glared at her stallion. “Shining, how many papers did she give you?”

He gulped. It was definitely more than one.

“Uhh… like fifteen?”

Her eyes nearly popped out of her skull. “Fifteen? For a field trip?”

Her stupid husband was about to open his dumb mouth but then stopped himself. She turned up her glare a few degrees, which made him look elsewhere and clear his throat.

“I… am starting to see what you mean.”

Cadance groaned. “I am never letting you handle any paperwork related to our daughter ever again. Do you understand?”

‘I underst—”

“Now, Shiny. Don’t say this out of obligation because I’m your wife.”

It was his turn to groan. “Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t want you to say it. I want you to consider this whole situation,” Cadance threw her hoof into a circle and then presented it to the other side of the table as she spoke, “Your negligence has caused us to gain another member of our family unexpectedly, and now I have to consider what needs to be done next because you couldn’t at least read the papers Flurry Heart gave you!” Cadance’s blood was boiling now, and her jaw hurt as she continued, “Do. You. Understand?”

“I—”

“Because if I ever see this again, I’ll—mmmhhmmfff!”

Shining Armor plugged Cadance’s lips with his forehoof. “I get it, babe. This is my colossal mess up for the year and it’s my turn to resolve all this.”

He held his hoof there and looked over at the kirin. “Sorry about this, Aqua. I should’ve actually read the fine print.”

Cadance mentally noted to lecture Shining Armor on what the ‘fine print’ meant and how he not only missed the fine print, but the whole stack of papers too.

Aqua shrugged. “It could be worse.”

Shining raised a brow. “It could be?”

“Yes. I could’ve been sent to a dragon with a cave. They don’t have roofs, just rocks.”

Cadance blinked.

Shining blinked.

Flurry Heart hung her head and let out a brief blow. She looked at her parents with a stalwart gaze. “Aqua really likes roofs. Like… really likes them.”

“Really?” Shining Armor croaked out.

Cadance’s eyes widened. Flurry Heart couldn’t mean that in that way… could she?

“Yes, really. I found out when I ran into her at school. Princess Twilight found Aqua on the roof of it when she was supposed to be giving a lecture on Kirin History. When asked, Aqua told her, ‘I thought the class was going to be on the roof.’”

“So wait, she wasn’t a classmate?” Shining asked with a raised brow.

Cadance glowered and charged her horn. She flicked her stallion’s hoof away and opened her mouth—

“Hhmmm?!”

—only for it to get plugged again with another hoof.

She tried to fight the hoof itself, flaring her horn again to flick it just like the last. However, something… tingly started from one corner of her lips on her muzzle to the other, albeit slowly. It danced rather methodically across it. She attempted to lift the part that wasn’t tingly up to voice her displeasure, but then that side started to tingle too, and it only served her lips to fall right around that hoof again.

She gasped as the hoof popped out of her mouth, but her lips only closed together, covering the remaining distance left by her husband’s hoof. She tried to move them, get them to do something but nothing happened.

Did Shiny just magically sew her mouth shut?!

She looked up at her husband, who in turn, looked down at her with a smile. “Let me handle this. I’ll make up for my mistake now instead of later.”

Cadance’s eyes were so wide her lids had morphed into her face. She writhed against her chair. Her husband was going to make this worse for them, and there was no way for her to reverse the effects of the spell in time. At least, she couldn’t think of how he just did this—did Twilight teach him this spell?

No… she wasn’t that violent. Right?

“So, now that your mother, and that goes for the both of you now, is tongue tied here, I’ll take charge in figuring this whole thing out.” He turned his attention to Flurry Heart. “Flurry Heart.”

“Yes, dad?”

“Why did you do this?”

She frowned. “Didn’t I already say it?”

Shining nodded. “Yes, but here’s the problem: you’re not a good purveyor. I’m not buying your story. You did this as a prank, didn’t you?”

“No.”

“Hmmm… did you do it as a dare?”

“Do you think I’m that cruel?”

“No… not exactly. But it was a possibility, still. Had to entertain it.” He cleared his throat. “Were you threatened by anyone?”

“No! Dad, why can’t you accept that this was done on my own volition?”

Shining Armor paused, humming to himself in thought. Then, moments later, he shrugged. “Not sure.”

Flurry Heart harrumphed and folded her forelegs together. She looked directly at Cadance. “Mom, tell Dad he’s being dumb.”

Cadance glared at him and then started squirming in her seat.

“Your mom will have to wait. She’s… allowing me to handle this one.”

Allowing is a very strong word! She flared her horn and—

“Now, if you’ll—hey! Cadance! You don’t need to—stop it! That’s a no touch zone, especially at the table!”

Shining Armor flared his horn in return and the two flared horns flared more than they ever flared.

Flurry Heart groaned. “Can you just let Mom talk at least?”

He shook his head. “Not yet, Flurry. Think tactics… and survival. I would never get a word in edgewise here, and I’m wanting to make sure I understand you and Aqua before she decides to turn me into a crater the size of Manehatten.”

Cadance nodded. Wow, she was impressed. It’s like he knew what she was thinking. Hmm, maybe she’ll go for a Ponyville sized crater instead? Just because he knew her so well.

“Anyway, I think it’s wise to understand you first. So… why then? If this was done on your own volition, then why did you want an older sister so badly? And why now?”

“Dad, that’s like… three questions.”

“Yes. I’m aware. I said them.”

Cadance let a tiresome blow through her nostrils and growled.

“It’s okay, Cady. I got this.”

That’s not why she did that! She rolled her eyes.

Flurry Heart caught on and smirked, giggling to herself. “Dad, she was doing that because you’re being sarcastic.”

“Oh.” He blinked. Then he did it again. Followed by a head tilt. Then he hummed, all in that order. “I guess she reduced the size of the crater.”

Why is he smart in reading her, but not smart enough to read literally anything else? What did that say about her?

“Anyway, Flurry. Are you going to answer the questions I asked or are we going to be stuck playing twenty questions while the food goes cold?”

Flurry Heart sighed as she squirmed in her own seat. She looked over at Aqua to then looked over at her and nodded. “I… I just wanted a sister. I know you and mom and have been trying, but I really just wanted to have another one now instead of later. I know I should’ve been more direct in telling you, and I am sorry about that but—”

Shining Armor stood there dumbly. Cadance assessed it this way because there was no other way to actually assess it. His eyes were bugging out, cross-eyed, and one of them was doing several revolutions. How in the world was he doing that? Did his brain just do that on its own? Maybe that’s a talent or something, a hidden one that is also very not hidden. Huh.

He blinked and shook his head. Wait, what just happened? Did she catch her husband’s dumbness?

“—it’s all just a mess and I’m really sorry. And—” Flurry Heart paused to look at Shining Armor too and tilted her head. “Did you hear all that, dad?”

Shining nodded. “Sorry, my eye does that when I’m stressed.”

Flurry Heart leaned closer to the table. “Uh… really?”

A dumber grin morphed on her husband’s dumb face that she loved because he was dumb—no actually she loved him for other reasons, but him being dumb did cross her mind as a somewhat attractive trait up until today, where now that portion of his attractiveness had dropped down by a whopping twenty points. His social credit score was tanking as he continued to talk!

Speaking of…

“Yes. Well, actually, no. It’s more like a yes as a result of knowing Cadance is going to cremate me later. You will probably get a clone of me to live out the rest of what would’ve been mine if I hadn’t sewed her mouth shut—”

“Wait, did you actually do that?”

He shook his head, again. “No. But the spell keeps her mouth shut for the duration of our conversation. She’ll be fine.”

Cadance voiced her displeasure in several grunts and moans.

Shining Armor nodded. “I know, babe. I know.”

Cadance hung her head.

Flurry Heart didn’t. “Anyway, did you get all that, dad?”

“Yes.”

She twiddled with her forehooves visibly on the table. “And… what did you think?”

He hummed and tapped his chin. Then, he stopped and smiled. “I think I’ll buy this one. I mean, I can understand why you were intimidated. You weren’t sure if we were, I don’t know, not racist towards the Kirin.” He glanced over at Aqua and noticed her unmoving penetrating gaze: all put into one deadpan. He snorted. “Good news, we’re not. And even better news, I was actually going to ask Cady here about adopting, but you decided to not only shove that conversation all the way to today, but you even masked the papers as permission slips for school. Clever, Flurry. I’ll give you that. That creativeness will serve you well as a princess.”

“Really?” Flurry Heart squeaked.

“Yes. But please do be honest about this next time. Your mother and I are understanding ponies. You don’t need to go around us just to get a sister.”

Cadance glared at him. She really wanted to offer her input here and he tore that away from her. This…

“Cadance, I know you want to talk. I really would love to let the spell down, but I still don’t know if you’re going to turn me to ash. Besides, I think Flurry here would appreciate me still being in one piece. Right, Flurry?”

Her eyes widened as Flurry Heart curtly nodded. Why…?

Her daughter giggled again. “Mom, you do tend to dominate the conversations at the table. I can see why dad did this but… he should probably talk to you more about this so he doesn’t have to resort to that.” Flurry glared at Shining for extra umph.

Now that’s her daughter. Way to go—wait, why was she cheerleading again?

Oh, right. Mouth sewn shut by magic. Cadance gently activated her horn and assessed the wards in the area. One. It was big. It was also directly surrounding her head. She flicked around the ward like it was a lock and key, trying to feel for some sort of magical groove that buried itself deep in its rock, which was invisible, because that’s how these spells worked. If Cadance could just stick out her tongue, it would be out right now as she would navigate the surface of the ward, but noooo, Shining just had to do what he did!

She sighed and continued her investigation, much to Shining’s pleasure, who smiled at her with his dumb, old toothy grin.

“Glad you’re actually trying to figure out the ward spell I casted. It’s going to take you a while though, so good luck!” He turned back to their own flesh and blood daughter. “Anyway, let’s go over that again just so you know I understood you. So, you wanted a sister because our attempts at trying haven’t been up to your speed?”

Flurry Heart giggle-snorted. “Well, when you put it that way, I guess? I know you two have been trying and I understand the birds and the bees thanks to Mom.”

Cadance attempted to smile. Then she realized she was still unable to move her lips. She decided to feel for the ward instead.

“That’s good. She did teach you a lot on the subject of love, so I’m glad you understand our struggles to a degree that’s respectable for your age.”

Her daughter suddenly fluttered her wings and then folded them back to her sides again. “Sorry, they were itchy.”

“Your mother says that too about her own wings sometimes. It’s like they have a mind of their own, I swear.”

Giggly, thy name is Flurry continued her giggles. “Wings are particular, dad. They don’t itch like horns do.”

“How do you know that, Flurry?”

She stopped her gigglefest and sighed. “One, I never felt an itch myself there, and two… let’s just say, colts at school were trying to figure that out too. Then one felt it and told everypony in detail as to why.”

“Oh… wow.”

“Yeah, let’s not dive into that.”

Shining scratched the back of his head with a forehoof, before letting it fall back on the table. “Understood. So… you did this out of a sense of urgency, then?”

“Yes. I just felt like the time window was closing and I really wanted somepony who I could rely on that wasn’t you or mom. You two have enough on your plates.”

“Why not Flash Sentry?”

“He’s… not somepony I can rely on.”

Shining Armor raised a brow. “But he’s a guard.”

“Yeah, and he’s a stallion. A dude. A guy. One with his own skinship.”

Her husband’s eyes widened. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to say that last one.”

“Birds and the bees, dad. Birds and the bees.” She tsk-tsked at the end of her declaration. Good job, Flurry. You learned from the best! “Anyway, any other suggestions, dad?”

“No, because they’re all guys.”

She chuckled her giggles into a laughter kerfuffle. “Well, then you see why I chose somepony else.”

“That does lead me into my next question. Why Aqua?”

She looked over at Aqua with such a smile, that Cadance wondered if she was looking at Twilight’s enamouring of her resident bookkeep and socially drawn assistant, Spike. It was like Flurry Heart manifested that same energy already into Aqua, and Aqua was like: “Thanks for putting a roof over my head. I’ll go dance on it real quick!” Cadance giggled to the best of her ability because of that thought, and then she tuned in to what her daughter was saying.

“I… I think I chose her because she’s, well, older, for one, but also she’s… herself. She isn’t afraid of what other ponies think of her. That’s something that I’m worried about every day.”

“You’re worried about that, sweetheart?”

“It’s Flurry Heart, dad. Also, yes. Every single day. I’m a soon-to-be-and-might-already-be a princess, right?”

“With time, yeah,” Shining Armor concurred ~~concurredly~~—wait that’s not a word—with concurrence.

“Exactly, and I need to be ahead of the curve. That’s what you always told me: always be vigilant, and always be a step ahead of another pony.”

“Right, but that wasn’t meant to be applied to everything and—”

“But it should be! I have to know how things are going with everypony. I’m going to lead them and—”

Cadance tuned out her daughter’s rant and focused on Aqua. Her motherly instincts were crawling towards her, because, well, Aqua’s technically her now older daughter. She saw how not included she was in this conversation.

She hopped out of her seat and walked over to her.

She heard Shining and Flurry stop their bickering just to see what she was doing. Good. A distraction, as she still was clawing at this groove that was, for some reason, multi-directional. Who thought that a ward was this complicated?! She took a deep breath. Focus on the situation, Cady.

She tapped the kirin on their withers and tilted her head.

Aqua looked up and surprisingly smiled. “I…. thanks, mother.”

Cadance’s heart just fell out of her. It was now pulsing on the floor.

Shining Armor threw the ward out a nearby window. It shattered the glass into several shards that spilled onto the floor. A mare who was standing outside the door barged in and surveyed the mess. Then, she brought in another mare, who held a dust pan and assorted brooms. Together, they cleaned the mess, while the rest of them were frozen in time.

Then, they left. Time resumed.

“Uh… sorry about that, Cady. I didn’t mean to—”

Wait, the ward was gone. Cadance opened her mouth and smiled. “Aqua, you don’t need to worry. They’re just… talking. You don’t need to feel down about this at all. Regardless of how that whole conversation ends, I welcome you to our family.”

Aqua smiled as Cadance nuzzled her cheek. “T-Thank you…”

The kirin returned the nuzzle and brought the princess closer, wrapping a foreleg around her.

Then, the hug dissolved. Cadance returned to her seat and watched Shining Armor, who was still frozen.

She tapped his withers. “Honey, you can continue.”

“You’re not going to cremate me where I stand?”

Cadance smirked. “Shhh, we’ll talk about the afterlife later. Just, continue.”

Shining Armor gulped. “Okay… well, it's good that I’m not dead yet.”

“Keyword yet!” Cadance chimed in such a sing-song fashion that it nearly shattered the window next to the now windowless window frame.

“Right…” He licked his lips. “Anyway, Flurry Heart, I don’t think you need to apply that logic to every single decision you’re about to make. It’s just not healthy.”

Flurry Heart sighed. “I guess you’re right. Maybe that’s why I was so intimidated, because I wanted to impress you both.” She looked at the windowless window frame and doubled her sigh with more sigh. “Do you forgive me?”

Shining turned to Cadance with a sidelong glance. “What do you think?”

“I think about a lot of things, Shiny. I think about what we’re having for breakfast. I think about the ponies who are waking up beside me, who dine with me, who love me. I think about those outside our family, who wish to speak with me on something that may be affecting their lives, a policy that we decreed law, a change in how the guards move, or even a change in how the crystal heart operates. Shiny, I even think about a world where I don’t have to think so much, and you want to know what I think here?”

Shining Armor nodded.

She curled her lips upward and looked over at Flurry Heart, her daughter, with the amount of love she could bear. “I think we’re understanding each other, finally. It’s all about love, how we foster each other’s relationships. It’s communication at the heart of it all, and right now, we really, really need to work on that. For example, Flurry, please, don’t think of us as ponies you need to impress. You could’ve gone goth for all we know and I would still love you just the same.”

Flurry Heart’s eyes widened as she shook in her seat. “Uh, Mom. Did you see my stash in my room—”

“Yes. That’s why I mentioned it. Great choker, by the way. The black strap does suit you, dear.”

Flurry Heart blushed. “...thanks.”

She turned to her husband. “And Shiny. I think it’s great you wanted to take the reins of this. While I appreciate you doing so, could you… I don’t know, not do what you did? I think I need to be more cooperative with you on things and shutting me up forcibly was wrong on so many levels.”

Shining Armor nodded as he leaned forward toward her. “I… I am sorry, Cady.”

Cadance smiled and kissed him on the cheek. “Forgiven, for now. Cremation-play later.”

Shining gasped. “Uh… that’s not something I…”

“I know, honey. Whips and chains are your speciality.” That caused her stallion to turn into a tomato, literally, his face all red and such. “Anyway, back to the situation. I believe that covers it all, yes?”

Cadance saw Shining Armor and Flurry Heart nod again.

“Good. Now, let’s enjoy our family meal cooked and prepared by our lovely kitchen staff and—”

“Um… Mother. Father.”

Cadance peeked her head around Shining Armor to see Aqua looking at the three of them. “Yes, Aqua?”

She twiddled with her forehooves. “What about me?”

Cadance smiled. “Would you like to see how the roof feels?”

After their discussion and subsequent first breakfast as a newly banded family of four, Shining Armor took a walk outside the castle. He found himself reflecting on the whole conversation. He appreciated his wife even more than he already did. She was so much stronger than he was mentally and physically, although he did have the warding spellbook memorized to the point that even she doesn’t know how to crack the code. He’ll take his wins when he can get them.

His daughter, Flurry, was still developing, and he needed to be there for her, even if he was a bit absent-minded half the time. It would take time to foster that relationship, and he was willing to try, at least.

And now his second daughter, who was currently on the roof of the castle with his wife, had become his third priority on his list of priorities, the first and second being Cadance and Flurry Heart respectively.

“OH MY GOSH. THIS ROOF IS AMAZING! IS THIS ALL CRYSTALLINE, MOTHER?”

From a distance, Shining Armor still heard a confident, “Yes.”

He could make out Aqua tapping her hooves enthusiastically on the roof, excitedly jigging in place. Then, an ear-shattering squee erupted. “AMAZING. I CAN FEEL THEIR EDGES. HOW DELIGHTFUL!”

Shining Armor shook his head while he chuckled to himself. Even though he had taken such aggressive steps to handle the situation he caused, it didn’t mean he screwed it up massively. Things tend to work out for him like that. One moment, he’s about to die, and the next, he’s still about to die, but at least he’s not actually dead, right?

Right?!

Author's Note

3 AM ramblings go hard.

Here's what inspired this experience:

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