To Chase The Shadows of Redemption

Twilight had been trying to read for the last few hours in the comfort of bed that her room provided. She had only been mildly successful because her thoughts had a tendency to become distracted by her hopeful upcoming meeting with Celestia. She had already slept overnight and today had been a little too lax so far.

Just as she was beginning to consider lunch after she had skipped breakfast, a solid knock rang through the room several times.

"Twilight? Twilight are you there?"

"I am! Coming!"

Twilight swung the door open with magic and hopped out of bed, allowing the book to fall softly onto the sheets.

"Is she here?"

"She arrived around thirty minutes or so ago, and has been discussing a few details with some ponies. I suspect she's probably going to be holed up in her room for a bit after that."

Raven had continued to help Twilight since yesterday, and Twilight was very appreciative of the fact. She felt like she knew her a bit more now. They had even shared dinner last night.

"I'll go grab a quick snack and then head over then, so I'm not too early. Thanks for letting me know. You've been a massive help, Raven."

"Please Twilight, it's nothing. I've enjoyed getting to interact with you more now. You normally just rush to princess Celestia and then leave."

Twilight gave a sheepish laugh and coughed to the side.

"I never realized it quite looked like that. Is like that. I'll try and stick around more, the ponies here have always been lovely, you've definitely showed me what I've been missing out on."

Twilight approached Celestia's chambers just like she always did, although this time she did so a bit slower than normal. There was a certain nervousness brought on by the nascent topic that was about to be broached. As much as she had tried to prepare herself for this conversation, it would never be enough.

She just had to go through with it.

The guards gave their usual understanding look to Twilight while they made sure the princess was allowing her in. It was quickly granted.

When Twilight slowly entered the darkened room, the curtains being closed was the first thing she noticed. The fireplace was lit and burning steadily, and Celestia sat before it not facing her. It felt eerily like another time she had been here, only the context made it flip on its head this time around.

"Princess...?"

There was a slight pause to Celestia's response.

"Twilight? Please... do join me by the fire."

The tone in which it was said had already thrown off Twilight. She couldn't quite put her hoof on what it was. There was a certain unbalanced nature to it.

Twilight sat down besides her, a small gap between them.

"You must have so many questions."

"I do... princess. But first... are you okay?"

Celestia's gaze on the inferno never budged an inch.

"Have I ever been okay Twilight? Sometimes I wonder when I'll wake up from this nightmare."

"Princess you can always—"

"It's fine, Twilight. I know you'll be there for me," she turned her head finally to face her, "even if I don't deserve it."

She looked genuinely miserable. It broke Twilight's heart.

"What happened with the griffins, it wasn't your fault! They attacked you! I know that you would never normally—"

"I killed them in cold blood, Twilight."

Her gaze shifted, becoming colder as she had said it.

"And now I'm going to have to kill even more of them to save Luna."

Twilight was unable to say anything after that. Celestia took that and came back to the fire. She had to come up with something, anything, to break Celestia out of this.

"I just want you to know that while I may not understand what you're going through, I will always be willing to listen. Nothing about this is right, and when your hoof is forced it's never a pretty situation." She swallowed a lump in her throat. Scrambling for words.

"And now we've had to delay saving Luna even longer while both sides prepare for the upcoming conflict."

She had started trembling. This was something Twilight had never seen before in her life, and it almost didn't seem real. She hated it.

"Twilight... I want to leave now. I would face Tartarus, a hoard of dragons, anything... there's no time for me to be okay anymore. I don't even know if I can go in there and see Luna anymore, I don't know what I'd do if what I saw..."

It broke Twilight's heart. This hadn't gone even remotely close to what she imagined in the time here in Canterlot spent waiting. She knew it would be tough and painful, but actually facing it cemented those fears.

She rushed to cross the distance and hug Celestia, of which Celestia had to push her away for a moment to open her wing to allow for a proper hug on her side.

Celestia's trembling slowly subsided, but her gaze still refused to budge from the fire. She squeezed Twilight with her wing as well.

"I have become something rotten on the way to saving Luna," she paused, "perhaps I always have been. I only ask that you do not hold my sins and extend them onto her. She... she has never deserved any of this. Never wanted any of it. Please tell me you'll pledge your allegiance to her after this is all over, no matter what Twilight."

There was so much, too much, that Twilight wanted to ask right now. To clear up everything and more. But it simply wasn't the right time. Celestia was getting it all out, that was what mattered. That last comment had been troubling, but she knew Celestia wasn't exactly been in the clearest of mindsets right now. She would not deter her any more than as little as possible to help her continue to do so.

"The fact that you're saying all this is revealing, princess. You aren't shying away from anything and you're taking it head on. You aren't nearly as far gone as you think. You're just a bit... overwhelmed. If it means sharing the burden, I can sign up to the-"

"No! Do not even speak of such a thing Twilight. You will not be joining us on the battlefield. That is the last thing I would ever want to see. Can you not care for my sister instead for my prolonged absence? I know that Rosebud has done as much as she can but she is still only one pony. I only ask you help on the side. You'll have free access to all the archives while you stay here as well, I'll make sure of it. I dont need to remind you that you're already helping me by being here right now, Twilight."

"I can do that... princess."

They fell into silence, the hug separating but they stayed close. Celestia sighed after about ten minutes of peace.

"How much do you think is acceptable before it becomes too much, Twilight?"

"What... what do you mean?"

"How many sacrifices to save Luna in the end. It is the question that has haunted me for months now."

Twilight thought of all the tragedy that had occurred so far. Riftly and now, the griffins. More was coming, but that was not directly the fault of this situation to save Luna, even if it had been the reason to call the emperor over in the beginning.

"I don't know, princess. But I know that we need to limit it as much as possible while getting the Sanctuary from the griffins. I get that."

"And what if they don't have it anymore? I was never given any confirmation by the emperor that they had it directly in our conversation. Nor would there be a hundred percent chance he was telling the truth even if he had. We have not seen it for ourselves, so for all we know it was lost or sold ages ago. Our war would just be a slightly greater tragedy I suppose, with less of a redeeming factor to it now."

Her laugh was light, like she had realized her entire life was a lie and couldn't help but giggle at the absurdity.

"You have to believe they have it princess. I do. They will."

"I know Twilight. I know. What I'm becoming scares me, Twilight. I see the way ponies have been looking at me lately. Even if they themselves don't realize it. I fear that I have crossed a boundary that can never be returned from, and I will only sink deeper. My only hope is to get Luna above the water even if it means me reaching the bottom."

She shook her head.

"Ah, listen to this old mare rambling Twilight. I'm sorry. I know you mean the best but I shouldn't be subjecting you to this. You're a blessing in my life, and I want you to know that I appreciate you being here."

"Just... just because you've had to do unseemly things doesn't make you a bad pony princess. I know that you would never do them under any normal circumstances. Please, try to forgive yourself, if even a little."

"If only you knew what I had considered doing..."

"It will not come to that, princess, whatever it is. There may have been a delay, but we will be successful."

"One can only hope Twilight... I'm so tired of fate pulling the rug out from me at the final moment now."

There was so much more they needed to discuss, but with some level of resolution Twilight chose to allow it to last. Besides, Celestia had needed to attend to more meetings to her chagrin, and their time had run short. Hopefully, it had been enough to lift Celestia's spirit for now to carry on with the vigor close to what she normally had.

They had a tender hug once again, and Twilight quickly planned out mentally how she would schedule her life to be in Canterlot more now to help, before making her way out of the castle and to make a quick stop by her parents before returning to Ponyville, which would be a brief thing.