Damnit Shiny

by Keairan

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Slice of Life
Length: 1482

Shining Armor doesn't know how to shop for a foal

Shining Armor has found the perfect gift for Flurry Heart's first birthday. The only problem? He doesn't have a clue about what is and isn't appropriate for a foal. Exasperated Cadance and female family members ensues.

A submission to the Shining is a bad dad contest.

Published 2024-02-28 22:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-28 22:00:00 UTC

Why Shiny Shouldn't Shop By Himself

"Cady, look!" Shining Armor excitedly proclaimed as he came back for the nth time with yet another object.

Cadance put her hooves over her face, careful to avoid her foal sitting in the seat of the shopping cart. "That's nice, Shiny, but put it back."

"But look at it! It's perfect for her!" Shiny held up the copy of 'Foal's First Oubliettes and Ogres' for her perusal. "See, it says appropriate for ages one point one to fifteen!"

Cadance breathed in and then looked at her husband. "Shiny, that's an obvious misprint, it says appropriate for ages ELEVEN to fifteen." She then began to mutter under her breath "besides, she's not going to be a giant nerd like you when she gets to that age."

"Oh!" he let out a small giggle. "My mistake."

He wandered back into the aisles of 'Has-Mart' to search high and low for the perfect big gift for his perfect little filly. "'Foal's First Electrician' playset? Sounds like a shocking good time, but I don't think it'll work for her." He continued to look. "'First Concert Pianist'? She can wait till she's older to tell us she doesn't want to practice."

He continued to search high and low through the aisle that had been helpfully labelled 'Gifts to Pressure Foals With Unreasonable Expectations'. Towards the end, he found the perfect gift, a setup that was sure to be a hit with everypony... including his wife! The thick layer of dust on the box notwithstanding, that is. He surreptitiously hid it behind another group of boxes, planning to return later so he could make it a surprise for his wife as well.

It was rare that he found enough free time to get away from his job two days in a row, but this time he'd managed it. Time to go pick up Flurry's perfect gift! Through the grocery section, behind the housewares, over the baby clothes, between the airship supplies and thaumaturgy primers, and yes, the aisle full of perfects gifts for foals. As he started to look through again for his planned gift, he spotted a couple that would be perfect for Twilight if she finally found a stallion or Spike if he ever stopped pining after that one extra fancy unicorn. "'Mexicolt Kitchen Line Chef' playset! It even comes with fake magic sugar!" He let out a laugh before looking at the other one. "Spike's foals would love this one: 'Foal's First Ornithology Primer!'"

He continued on down through the aisle before looking where he'd hidden it last time, pulling it out of its dusty confines. "Just like I though, no one was going to look behind 'Foal's First Numbers' for something as great as this!" He picked it up, and headed for the front of the store to pay for the gift. As he got into line, he noticed that several other ponies were giving him unreadable looks as he went through.

'They must not be able to show just how awesome a gift idea this is!' he thought to himself as he got closer to the checkout line. The bored clerk began the process of getting the price for it when their scanner gun didn't pick it up. "Weird, nothing is coming through the database. I'll need to get a manager over here for some help." The acne-riddled crystal pony mare said before putting in the call.

The manager, an older crystal pony mare who looked like they should be chopping down trees instead of shepherding minimum wage clerks, came over and took a look, scanning the item with their fancier gun. "I can see the problem here, we zeroed out the last one of these, and had removed it from our inventory. I'll have to manually input it into our system so you can pay." The manager undertook the laborious task of clumsily inputting the code at the bottom of the box, and then bringing up the price on the register. "Alright, since this got put on clearance, instead of the forty-five bits that it would normally be, it's only fifteen."

Shining nodded and pulled out his wallet to pay, hoofing over the necessary amount to the mare. "Thank you for your help, and sorry that this is such a pain."

The manager shrugged before answering. "That's what it's like with these big box stores sometimes, you get an item that goes on clearance, gets lost, and then somepony with no-" she coughed before continuing "with discerning tastes finds and buys it." The register printed the receipt, which the manager then hoofed over. "And just a reminder, there are no returns on our clearance items."

Shining nodded "thank you for the information, but I'm positive that nopony would ever want to return a treasure like this." He collected his purchase, and headed to the door, completely missing the manager's "one pony's trash" statement.

Flurry sat in her highchair, watching with a foal's interested but uncomprehending eyes as she tore at the paper on each of the gifts that her family, family friends and various sycophants had gotten for her. Piles of stuffed animals, mounds of clothes, jewelry for when she got older, scads of toys, and various creepy marriage contract proposals filled the room surrounding her. Cadance had surreptitiously started moving the contracts into the same pile as the torn wrapping paper as Shining brought forth her final gift, having saved the best for last.

Flurry took the lovingly wrapped box in hoof, and began to tear and gnaw at the paper, revealing the gift beneath in parts. 'Foal's First Goth Rave Playset: Now with Gas Mask' slowly came into view. Slowly, the paper pile stopped moving as her mother, her grandmother and her aunt all stared with a mixture of confusion and mild horror.

"Shining Armor, did you seriously buy your daughter a goth rave playset?!" Twilight Velvet asked, hackles rising. "Why in Celestia's name would you get your filly a goth playset?!"

Twilight Sparkle took up after her mother. "Shiny, really? She's a one year old. She has no business putting makeup anywhere near her face." She facehooved and then continued on. "Did you think this through at all?"

Cadance just shook her head with an exasperated laugh. "Dammit Shiny, you really don't know how to buy gifts for foals, do you?"

Shining sputtered against their harassment while opening the box for Flurry. "It says it's safe for her age range, and I checked to make sure it wasn't a misprint this time around. No choking hazards, no small parts for her to swallow. Just white makeup, large soft-spike anklets, and a gas mask." He pulled each object out, setting them down just out of reach of the alicorn tyke.

Flurry immediately lit up her horn, pulling the anklets onto her cute chubby limbs and covering her face in a pancake layer of white makeup. The gas mask she just started to chew on cutely while she watched the adults argue about her new accessories.

When Cadance finally noticed this, she relented and stopped harassing her poor husband, but was happy when she realized that she was going to be able to wash it off soon, as the smash cake was up next.

Night Light sidled up next to his son as the two stallions directed the clean-up from the party. Flurry was currently having six inches of cake and an inch of goth-white makeup removed from her face and neck by her mother and aunt, so the two had the time to talk. "So you bought her an 'Unreasonable Expectation Playset'." The older stallion stated with some amusement. "Y'know, I got both you and your sister each one of those, and both of you turned out just fine, though you turned out a little differently than I expected."

Shining looked at his father, curious. "I don't remember getting one of those at all, and I should remember Twiley getting one, but I don't."

Night shrugged before answering. "Twilight's you probably didn't care enough to remember, but I did buy you both one." He pulled out two foal-hood photos of his children. Shining sat next to a clearly labeled 'Foal's First Cart Repair Manual' while Twilight was already attempting to read 'Foal's First Calculus Primer'. "I was honestly expecting you to go into cart repair, but the guard certainly worked out well for you."

Shining grinned as he looked at the photos. "Well, cart repair was my backup option if the guard didn't work out, and this certainly explains Twilight." He tilted his head to the side, then continued on. "It explains her an almost scary amount." He looked at his father with an amused smile on his face. "I just turned my daughter into a goth, didn't I?" At his father's nod, he let out an amused "dammit Shiny."