Ponies and Demons - The Philosopher's Stone

by Puerto Princessa

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 4070

Bartimaeus meets Twilight and things become weird.

Twilight summons a powerful and disaffected five thousand year old demon, me. Because I cannot put footnotes into this description, this description is bereft of any further insights into my awesome tale. Yours ironically, Bartimaeus.

Published 2012-11-18 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-24 04:07:17 UTC

A New Convention

Note: I honestly do not know how to integrate Bartimaeus' footnotes into this. I'm going to try it like so, but if anyone has another way please alert me to it!

Infinity squirmed, struggled in vain as it was compressed by terrible force into a singular point. My essence coalesced, inky-black threads of unmeasurable length swirling furiously and consuming themselves until they were individual points in space; points each given their own unwanted arbitrary definition from an alien world. It had been quite some time, but against all my futile hope I had once more been summoned.

Each point of restrained endlessness swarmed, surging over one another in their reluctant eagerness to build my body. I sensed the raw power of the summon, the sheer force behind each individual hook that had gouged me out of my home and into the vicious outside, and I quickly determined that the magician who had summoned me this time would probably be too potent and experienced to be cowed by a beastly form; subtlety and taste would stand a better chance of making an impression. I took the form of a young maiden, a chocolate-skinned and voluptuous Egyptian I had known as a concubine of Ramses III with an elaborately jeweled headdress and thin muslin draping the appropriate areas.

In this body I reclined with nonchalant ease, being sure to mind the lurking boundaries of the summoning pentacle that could have given me a literal shock if I put a toe out of line. I duly noted that my binding pentacle had been drawn to abnormally large dimensions, virtually prone I still couldn't feel the edges of the circle. My newest captor either had considerable mass and girth or simply had a lot of floor space to burn. Underneath and around my form the cold chalk runes hummed with the restrictive energies necessary to bind me to this world. I calmly cast my gaze around, searching for my newest master.

“Ah, Bartimaeus. Welcome to Equestria!”

My shock was so great that for a moment my female's mouth was scraping the floor, I quickly brought it up so as to maintain my dignity. Not that dignity would matter much, considering my newest master's appearance. She was in an equine form, one I had taken once or twice in my 5,000 years(1) of experience; but one I had never expected to see a master wearing short of some ridiculous self-polymorphing fad. She wasn't even a particularly large horse, more a pony for if I  had stood up at that moment I'd easily be double her height. I would have numbly accepted the idea of a sentient talking equine had it not been for her coloration.

She was an eye-watering light purple, the sort of artificial shade one wouldn't see in nature. Her hair was highlighted, which was all well and good in any human with a lacking fashion sense, but this pony's hair was a dark blue and the highlights were purple and pink. Her flank was branded with a set of oddly symmetrical star-shaped marks. Her eyes were enormous, doe-like and shimmering slightly; I found myself momentarily entrapped—in terror I mean—by her gaze. A quick appraisal of the seven planes(2) revealed that this little pony existed on all seven, so somehow she had fundamentally changed herself into a pony(3). The overall effect was like some bad Saturday morning cartoon had come to life, all technicolor and happy smiles. Speaking of which, she was regarding me with a vaguely unsettling smile at that exact moment.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle, pleased to meet you.” She held out a hoof in what I can only assume was an attempt at a friendly handshake (hoofshake technically), a pointless gesture considering the distance between her pentacle and mine. I stared at the extended limb dumbly. “Are you alright? Do you not want to speak to me?” Her smile was thankfully gone, she now seemed somewhat unsure.

I wasn't responding because I was dumbstruck, for two reasons. First, her name. It was undoubtedly the most horrific name I had ever heard in my long career and I felt a moment of outrage on her behalf against her parents for consigning her with such a foppish title. The only reason I wasn't laughing my head off at the moment was because of the oddity of my situation overall; once I got over my initial shock the insult opportunities looked encouragingly great. Secondly, I was marveling at how far the world had gone since I'd last been summoned. I had been summoned by young boys, by old men, I had been summoned by magicians so large they almost broke the boundaries of their own pentacles without even moving and by magicians so malnourished they died on the spot from the stress of summoning me. But never before had I been summoned by something only a few steps above a Disney character.

“Uh...” My response to her queries, in all it's scintillating and provocative wit, actually inspired her to smile sympathetically at me. It was cute, in a way(4). I realized here that this Twilight Sparkle probably thought I was a handicapped spirit or something insulting like that. I had no need of her pity, so I quickly reasserted myself before she could start babying me.

“Right. Twilight Sparkle, is it?” My concubine's voice was silky smooth and one dial turn away from full blown seduction, in contrast to the nasally air my captor spoke with. “That's a pretty name you've got there, you could sell your own candy line with any luck.” A hand adjusted my headdress, I began musing(5) on a possible change of tone in my forms considering how bright and childish my surroundings in Equestria were. “What is your reason for summoning me? Bartimaeus, Sakhr al-Jinni, the Serpent of Silver Plumes, the scourge of Al-Arish, the charge of Gilgamesh, the slayer of Faquarl of Sparta and Nouda the Terrible(6)?" I listed my exploits somewhat casually, getting the notion that Twilight might not have any idea what to make of them. Indeed she seemed mystified, but more by the amount of names I listed versus any understanding of what they meant.

“That sounds really impressive!” She seemed a bit taken aback when she said, “Though the slayer and scourge bits sound like too much.” I actually rolled my amber eyes at that.

“Well that comes with the package. One dijinn complete with a million drops of split blood.” Twilight blanched at that, for my part the initial shock was beginning to give way to incredulity. My captor was every bit as childish and naïve as her eyesore of a color scheme indicated. I was no longer prone on the floor, I had drawn up and hugged a knee to my breast, head cocked in mocking inquisitiveness. “Problem, Twilight?” I gave her a royal salute, with a certain finger extended that wouldn't otherwise be in polite company. The arc my hand made then crashed directly into the barrier of my pentacle.

I reflexively withdrew, tensed my body for the inevitable surge of pain and repulsive force while preparing a quick jump to avoid being pushed back into the other edge of the pentacle. I had seen cases before where an incompetent imp or foliot had literally been bounced between the edges of the pentacle until burning into a crisp. I held that readied state for a second before I realized something critical: my hand had been able to pass clean over the protective barrier. This mean only one shining thing; Twilight had drawn the pentacle incorrectly and I could break through.

Indeed, a quick reappraisal of the runes revealed what I had missed: while the summoning runes were clearly chalked into place, the intricate protective runes that were supposed to line the outer edges of the pentacle weren't even there. No blundered attempt, no accidental erasure in a critical spot, the symbols hadn't even been drawn. It was the most wonderfully inept lapse in security I had ever seen, obviously Twilight was so fresh that she hadn't even learned of the safety locks necessary to bind a spirit in place. I wanted to hug her for her incompetence, and thanks to her mistake I could jump out at my leisure and give her a big squeeze. And then promptly increase the pressure to crush her on the spot before dematerializing with a merry whistle.

I giggled slightly, almost beside myself with my luck. I would momentarily be able to wave a hearty good-bye to this strangely colorful country, and with any luck all of the magicians of this country would be just as stupid and I would be virtually free of service for the next few centuries. Twilight cocked her head to match mine, she smiled slightly when she saw my happiness.

“Well I can't say I approve of the idea that you've killed somepony(7) before, but you seem nice enough.”

“I'm sure you'll still be thinking that in a moment.” I flashed my teeth, which I quickly made extra sharp with a little ominous glinting to effect. “Why don't you come see how nice I am?” I opened my arms as if to embrace her.

“How forward,” she laughed. “You're a very quirky spirit, Bartimaeus-” She was actually approaching me at that point. Whether or not she intended to step over her pentacle like a fool and hug me was besides the point, her reckless stupidity had gone on for long enough. My form warped into that of a lioness, easily three times the little pony's size. With an eager roar, I hurled myself at her.

She screamed alright, that part we all expected. What I didn't expect was being thrown back from her by a bolt of purple light.

(1) For those of you unfamiliar with my many glorious achievements or indeed those of spirits in general, the process is as follows: Magician summons hapless spirit (me), hapless spirit performs inane tasks for benefit of magician while obeying an indefinite number of mundane limitations for fear of punishment, we're unsummoned and the charming process can begin again. For further information I recommend you consult the Bartimaeus Trilogy, a wonderful serialization capturing a choice few of my many exploits. For those of you unwilling to spend those few measly dollars, I'll describe concepts when I feel necessary.

(2) The seven planes of vision spirits have access to, where we behold both the myriad forms and auras objects take on. Humans are so lowly as to only see the very first plane of existence.  Illusionary spells are used to alter appearances on the lower planes, so as to work in disguise. At higher planes it becomes harder and harder to mask one's true self, with the seventh being an unfailing look at the true nature of the being in question.

(3) Interesting, this. Short of fanciful ideas such as The Philosopher's Stone, altering the true nature of something is quite impossible. It lead me to conclude that humans had somehow evolved into talking ponies with hideous color schemes in the hundred or so years I hadn't been summoned. Stranger things had happened before.

(4) Make no mistake here, spirits are not often given to thinking in such base ways. After all, concepts like attractiveness and cuteness are largely surface based, meaning they're within the domain of lowly Earth beings. But every spirit with as long (and illustrious) a career as mine learns to comprehend and understand things from a human perspective. As weak and ignoble as that perspective is, one must know their enemy to overcome them.

(5) While speaking. Unlike you, I am capable of real multitasking due to the higher level functioning of my mind. I've said before-in my previous books, which again are wonderful pieces of literature-that I could read four stories printed on top of one another in the same book with one glance. For the sake of variety I'll make up a new analogy here: my mind is so much more capable than yours that I can narrate these footnotes, the actual story, a different memoir of my life, and conduct a chamber orchestra all at once.

(6) All of these titles are born of excellent stories that I may someday publish in exchange for your monetary contribution. The last one there is actually already published, as I may have mentioned already.

(7) It was with this aberration of a word that I was resolved that this Equestria was the most moronic idea ever conceived by humankind (ponykind). It was almost refreshing in it's blatant childishness.

A New Paradigm

A New Paradigm

My lioness(1) form, all five hundred plus pounds of it, was blown back by the force of the magical bolt that Twilight had summoned from her horn. I hadn't even noticed the horn before, half-buried as it was under her ridiculous mop of hair. I realized now that Twilight resembled a unicorn(2), and even when shocked by a dijinn suddenly turning from an Egyptian woman to a lioness going for her throat, she had a potent magical ability. My suspicions about Equestria were becoming increasingly serious; whereas the magicians were apparently mutant ponies with such names as Twilight Sparkle, they had a magical force to rival that of the spirits they summoned(3).

It raised the question of why she even wanted to raise me in the first place, considering that her own personal magic was capable of forcing me back. My focus shifted from my master to her surroundings. We were in some sort of wooden fixture, with light coming from a bulb on the ceiling, and all around me were metallic behemoths whirring and buzzing. I could only guess that they were recording data of some sort. So this Twilight was a scientist then. Logic dictated that the most likely scenario was that Equestrian magicians were self-sufficient and had little experience with summons. This explained why the pentacle binding me was lacking in defenses.

“What was that about?” Twilight's whining brought me back to the present. Her voice trembled slightly, it seemed the lioness now sulking at a distance had injected fear into her cheery disposition. “You had me frightened there, Bartimaeus!”

“What do you expect?” The lioness swiped a claw at it's former pentacle, dashed a few of the inner summoning runes. Twilight would now find it impossible to order me to do anything, though sadly I was still bound to the world by her potent will. “You didn't put enough security on the summons and I tried to take advantage of it. You're lucky you're strong enough to defend yourself. If you hadn't been...” I ran a sickle-like claw against my lioness's throat and made a morbid sound to effect.

“Don-don't joke about that! You wouldn't do that to me. Would you?” Twilight's voice held a sort of nervous conviction, as if she really couldn't believe I would 'stoop that low'. It was virtually disgraceful, how much faith she could put in me.

“I've killed masters before.” I said that particular line with the sort of bass voice that would trigger earthquakes and avalanches, make magicians cower in their pentacles. Twilight gulped, took a backstep out of her pentacle. That would have been a dumb and fatal mistake, if it weren't for the fact that her magic put her on equal footing with me.

“You- you're dangerous,” she managed to squeak out. No guessing who the trophy for most obvious would be going to. “I'm afraid I might have to take drastic measures if you're going to be a threat to Equestria.” She said it unwillingly, as if she'd love nothing more than to drop the whole threat and take me out for tea and pastries. I sensed it in her, the kind gentle sort of spirit that would leave a human magician from Earth bleeding to death in a back alley.

I realized though that I had to tread carefully here. Even the most gentle and loving creature had their limits of patience. The rules of summoning meant that these pony magicians would have the upper hand once they figured out how to use protective runes, and combined with their self-powered magic they could easily kill a confined spirit mano a mano. If I marked us spirits as dangerous to these Equestrians, a reprisal could follow. I imagined a witch hunt, all hooded robes and burning torches and people screaming for the blood of witches and demons, only with technicolor ponies being the inquisitors.

I spoke as smoothly and consolingly as possible. “Please Twilight, don't be hasty.” I made my voice feminine, a play for feelings of sisterhood. “Do you really want to have the blood of spirits on your hands?” Twilight shook her head solemnly. Her apparent pacifism was a good angle, so I kept hammering at it for all it was worth. “It is true that I, Bartimaeus, have been a wretched creature in the past. But in a society such as Equestria I am sure I can relearn my ways.” A whopper of a lie, no society could erase 5,000 years of oppression no matter how idealistic. But I could at least learn to live by a new set of rules. Besides, I was sure that these ponies would be clement masters so long as I kept my darker experiences under wraps.

“Well...” Twilight wanted to believe me, I could tell. “I think I'll trust you, Bartimaeus. After all, it's important to forgive and forget, right?”

“Of course, of course.” I said soothingly. Of course, my own imagination was a fertile hotbed where nothing was forgotten no matter how slight, here I prepared creative plans of revenge for beings I had not even met for thousands of years. I held no malicious intent towards Equestria; I was apathetic towards the affairs of mortals.

But this Twilight, as nice and naïve as she was, had summoned me and thus temporarily turned the cruel dynamic of power against me. Not to mention how she had blasted me down, which would be a rank embarrassment to my reputation if any other spirit ever caught wind of it. Assassination wasn't off the table in spite of Twilight's demeanor, as a spirit you learn to be as merciless and unforgiving as the magicians who summon you. I'd watch and bide my time, and if this purple pony ever slipped up...

“Well Bartimaeus, are you going to be alright with my home? You'll be staying here while I conduct more research on spirits.” The lioness arched a nonexistent eyebrow, I had never before been invited by a magician to stay in their home so freely(4). Twilight was unknowingly handing me more and more power over her, so the prospects for revenge seemed fairly open. With any luck I'd be able to make Twilight regret ever summoning me within a few days. Her power was great though, and I was as of yet unwilling to test her openly.

“I'm honored that you would grant me asylum in your home. Though your home seems incredibly flammable. You should be careful with that, Twilight.” I was prodding here, looking for a weakness. An Inferno(5) to her home could have been a quick blow against her, ruining her place and possibly even her life if I was lucky.

“I have a magical fire retardant system in place.” No dice there, but I kept my disappointed sigh internal. “Thank goodness I've never had to use it before.”

“Well Twilight, color me very slightly impressed, by a faint margin. I wonder why you need to summon spirits like me when you're capable of such potent magic on your own.” Twilight smiled at the complement.

“Thank you Bartimaeus. I summoned you to study you, I was curious when I found ancient lore describing 'demons of Tartarus' and other such creatures. It didn't seem to be referring to Equestria's Tartarus, but a realm completely separate. It took me some months to work out the procedures, mostly because the lore I studied had no descriptions on hand. But eventually I did work it out and I then summoned you!” She seemed excited to be revealing her hard work to another person.

“So I'm your experiment then.” I rankled slightly at that, though I didn't give any outward sign of it to Twilight. When you've worked on building a reputation as grand and mighty as mine, being an amateur summoner's baby steps is a bit of a let down. “Well you'll find that there's nothing much that I can offer you, Twilight. Your horn can summon forces akin to my Detonations(6), so you can do anything I can do for you. Perhaps you should just let me go?”

“I don't need you for your spell work. I'm really just curious about you, if that's okay.” I realized that this was going to be even easier than I thought it would be. Like my old master Ptolemy(7), Twilight only wanted me around for strictly academic purposes. Provided I could survive the cultural isms that were sure to confound me as I had long ago been confounded by the strangeness of human society, my tenure as Twilight Sparkle's slave could possibly be less of a headache than servitude normally was.

“Well I'm really curious about you as well.” In a way this wasn't a lie, knowing was half the battle after all. “I'm wondering, for instance, what unfortunate circumstances led to your travesty of a name. I've half a mind to consult an almanac and discover a new name for you.” Twilight tutted in disapproval.

“What's wrong with my name, Bartimaeus?”

“Beyond it consisting of two nouns that shouldn't be used in any rational conversation outside of dialogue in a child's book?”

“Is my name really that silly?” Twilight shook her head in blatant denial. “Nonsense. Bartimaeus, I think I should introduce you to my friends.”

(1) Bear in mind here that my spirit is technically male, despite all the female forms I have already assumed. Gender is no issue for spirits as a whole, and practical experience had taught me that a lioness without a mane was a far more practical form for battle than a lion.

(2) Unicorn: A rare type of dijinn whose fabled horns possess powerful curative properties when cut off. Pacifistic and timid in nature, unicorns are useless in most normal assignments and thus summoned purely for their horns.

(3) This is something I've never witnessed in my career before. Former empires I had served had built up immunities to magic sure, but never had they actually gained the ability to use that magic. Using magic was strictly a spirit's domain; due to our expansive essences we can interact constructively (to destructive effect) with the far more limited essences of the mundane world. Indeed, a quick scan of the higher planes revealed that on the fifth and onward this Twilight's aura was somewhat more freewheeling than it should have been. All very strange.

(4) Like the cheesy vampire stories of old, we spirits adhere to certain universal tenants of magic. Key among these is the idea of control: the more you know about somebody (for example, true names) or the more privileges that somebody gives you, the more power your magic will have on them. Inviting a spirit into your house, as cliché as it is, is actually a strong talisman. While a spirit can break into a home without approval (as I have done many times), you give them even more power if you give them consent.

(5) As simple as it gets, a magical flame. Capable of causing immense destruction to the mundane world, given as how a shocking amount of things and people are flammable. Somewhat less useful against spirits, our essences are fluid and thus fires don't stick so readily.

(6) A powerful blast of super compressed essence that explodes forcefully upon contact with something. Dijinn, as spirits of air and fire, have particularly explosive Detonations that also leave flames at the impact zone. This affinity and their practicality in dispersing the essence of hostile spirits make Detonations the spell of choice for most dijinn.

(7) A beloved master of my past that I regularly took the form of to respect what he had done for me. The story is contained within a certain Bartimaeus Trilogy, which I'm sure I've mentioned before.