Adventures of Zebra Anon

by ImNew2023

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Profanity, Random, Main 6
Length: 8124

What if Anon the human became a Zebra?

A soft reboot of Thestral Anon.

Anon is turned into a zebra after coming to Equestria. Chaos soon ensues from the striped stallion’s adventures.

Published 2024-02-28 08:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-15 21:34:55 UTC

Anon gets a Job

In the quiet town of Ponyville, Anon the Zebra sat looking at the ceiling with his land-mare Twilight Sparkle.

“How did you get a marmalade sandwich on the ceiling?” She asked.

Looking at the piece of bread stuck to the wooden material above them, both confused and somewhat impressed he managed to get it up there.

“I didn’t” the zebra replied.

“Then what is that?” She asked, turning her gaze to Anon.

“It’s vegemite” Anon corrected.

Rolling her eyes, Twilight’s horn lit up as the sandwich was removed from the ceiling and the stain left behind was removed.

“Again, how did you get it up there?” Twilight asked.

“I’ll level with you Twiggles, I don’t have a clue” Anon admitted.

It’s been months since Anon was turned from a human to a zebra by Twilight in an effort to get him back to his own world and so far he’s been nothing but trouble for the purple bookworm.

“Anon, I think it’s time we talk about getting you your own place to live” Twilight stated.

Letting out an exaggerated gasp, Anon touched his chest with his hoof at the mere suggestion of it.

“Oh I see how it is, you kidnap me from my home and put me in this twisted form, but after I refuse to entertain your lewd fantasies you throw me aside!” He accused the purple bookworm.

“I told you a million times, this isn’t some weird sex thing! I genuinely didn’t plan for you to get turned into a zebra!” Twilight defended herself.

“Bullshit. I’ve seen your porn stash, it’s all rather Celestia booty pics or stories about lonely housewives getting “striped” by big black & white co-“ Anon began to reply before his mouth was magically sealed shut.

“Anon, you’re my friend. But you are IMPOSSIBLE to live with. You’ve broken three toilets during parties you threw while I was out of town, turned the sofa into a warhead that almost started a war with the Yaks and you put milk in before the cereal!”

Despite her valid points, Anon remained resolute that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Ok other than that name ONE thing I’ve done that warrants this” Anon requested.

“How about the weeks following your transformation where you went around having sex with any mares who’d say yea resulting in several divorces” Twilight reminded him.

“Hey if those marriages were built to last they wouldn’t have slept with me” Anon argued.

It wasn’t that Twilight wanted to get rid of Anon, she valued her unorthodox friend quite a bit, but time and time again his chaos had turned the town upside down.

“Alright alright, you don’t have to move out, but I do want you to get a job. Being cooped up in the house all day clearly isn’t good for you” Twilight said.

Considering his “activities” Anon doubted heavily he could find work. But with his housing situation on the line he knew he had to try.

So setting out into town, Anon began his hunt for employment.

Passing several of its residents, being greeted by some and ignored by others.

“Fuck you”

“Fuck you”

“Fuck you”

“Morning” Anon greeted back, having grown used to the method in which he was greeted by.

“Fuck you Anon” Diamond Tiara said as she trotted past on the way to school.

“Morning Diamond, how are your parents?” Anon greeted the little shit.

“Still getting a divorce” she replied, a hint of venom in her tone.

Continuing his trot, Anon pondered on what job he could possibly get.

Deciding wandering about town looking for somepony to hire him would be a waste of time he headed directly to the Mayor’s office. He had heard there was an employment office there so it was a good place to start.

Entering the office building, Anon was met by the Mayor herself. Sitting at a desk going through paperwork, Mayor Mare looked up to see Anon standing at the entrance.

“Oh hello Anon, what can I do for you today?” She asked.

“Morning Mayor Mare, I need a job, you wouldn’t happen to have any going would you?” Anon explained.

Rummaging through her desk’s drawer, Mayor Mare pulled out a piece of paper and slid it over to Anon.

“Here’s an employment seeker’s form. Just fill out the questions the best you can and I’ll see what’s available” Mayor Mare explained.

About half an hour passed as Anon filled out the form.

Reading through it, Mayor Mare’s face cringed, member before had she seen a less employable creature.

“So pretty good right?” Anon asked optimistically.

Adjusting her glasses, Mayor Mare’s mind turned trying to figure out a nice way of breaking the news to Anon.

“Anon, you put your greatest weakness as pork chops” she pointed out.

“Yes, and?” Anon asked.

“I’ll be straight with you Mr Anon, you come off as hostile, uneducated and from the question that asked you why you sought Equestrian citizenship you put “because Celestia has a phat ass” I can see you have no problem using foul language in a professional setting. I’m sorry but I don’t see a single job in all of Ponyville you’re qualified to do… unless-“ Mayor Mare explained, before a thought crossed her mind.

“Here we go” Anon groaned as he made his way around the desk.

“What are you doing?” Mayor Mare asked, curious what the zebra was up to.

“I’ve been in this situation before, fine I’ll fuck you if you can get me a job, let’s just make it quick I’ve got places to be” Anon said flatly, for he indeed had many places to be.

Going bright red, Mayor Mare backed away from the black and white stallion.

“That’s most certainly NOT what I meant!” She snapped, the mere idea offending her.

“It isn’t? Then what the hell did you mean by “unless?” Anon asked.

——

Meanwhile at couple’s therapy, Filthy and Spoiled Rich sat trying to sort out their problems.

A magenta coloured pegasus stallion was sat with a clipboard writing down notes as he had for the last two hours.

“Alright Mrs Rich, is there anything you want to say to your husband?” The therapist asked.

Messing with her hair slightly, Spoiled avoided making eye contact with her husband.

“Filthy, I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough but I really am” Spoiled confessed, still not having the courage to look Filthy in the eye.

Taking in what she had said, Filthy looked at the floor for a few seconds before turning his gaze back to her.

“I can’t forgive you for what you did Spoiled, but if you’re willing to put the work into fixing us, I’m willing do the same. If not for our marriage then for our daughter” he replied.

“I’m glad the two of you are on the same page, now quick question Mrs Rich, this “Anon” fellow, he wouldn’t happen to be a zebra would he? The therapist asked.

“Oh great! Let me guess you’re sleeping with him to?” Filthy groaned, clearly agitated by the sound of Anon’s name.

“No, it’s just he’s running right as us” the therapist replied as he pointed his hoof to the window behind the Rich couple.

With a loud smash, Anon broke through the window and tackled Filthy, proceeding to choke the wealthy stallion.

“You put a fucking button in your tax folder!? Nopony screws with the Equestrian Revenue Service! Nopony!” Anon roared in fury as he proceeded to shake Filthy back and forth.

“When I fantasised about a stallion pinning my husband down this isn’t what I meant!” Spoiled cried out in dread.

AN: I’m still continuing to work on thestral, I’m just using this story as a dumping ground for all the insane ideas for Anon stories that wouldn’t fit into thestral given its current trajectory.

Royal Birthday

Trying to sleep in on his day off, Anon was rudely interrupted by the noise of his purple pony housemate.

“I will pimp slap that mare” Anon groaned as he dragged himself downstairs.

Scattered in an unorganised mess were various pieces of paper with unreadable penmanship on them.

In the centre of that mess was Twilight herself. Her mane was frizzy and unkept and her eyes were bloodshot.

“Still going to hit her” Anon commented as he walked downstairs.

“Twilight. What is this?” Anon asked as he reached the ground floor. Wandering if he should pimp slap with his right hoof or bonk with his left.

Almost snapping her head towards him, Twilight gave him an unsettling smile.

“Anon! Good! You’re here! Help me pick out a present!” Twilight yelled, using zero context.

“Ok, she can have a pass. For now” Anon thought to himself.

“A present for whom?” Anon asked.

“The Princess of course! Her birthday is in a week and I haven’t got her anything!” Twilight stated, her coat practically dripping with anxiety.

Celestia. Of course all this fuss had something to do with Celestia.

“Maybe a student with less issues?” Anon muttered.

“What!?” Twilight asked, turning her attention away from a piece of paper with a drawing of herself giving Celestia a sweater.

“I said maybe some custom tissues? Like embroidery with her initials on it” Anon suggested.

Shaking her head Twilight threw another piece of paper aside.

“No Princess Celestia doesn’t sneeze she has a passive spell to prevent that!” Twilight dismissed.

Seeing how stressed she was, Anon attempted to calm down the bookworm.

“Can’t you just get her a card? She’s a princess she probably has too much stuff already” Anon pointed out.

That was when he knew, he fucked up.

Finding himself in the telekinetic grip of Twilight’s spell, Anon was lifted off the ground.

“Get. Her. A. Card!? Do you realise how insane you sound!?” Twilight snapped.

He had to choose his next words carefully, Anon’s life hung in the balance.

“Or maybe a funny mug?” Anon suggested.

“Anon. Princess Celestia is THE Princess of Equestria! She’s ruled over all of Ponykind for a thousand years. She’s entertained entire dynasties and has guided my entire race. I NEED to get her a great gift or what has all those years as her pupil been about!?”

Hearing her rant, Anon was starting to get a little motion sickness from the weightlessness.

With a knock on the door, Twilight dropped Anon before going to answer it.

“Oh hello Mayor Mare” Twilight said in surprise at seeing Ponyville’s mayor standing at her door.

“Hello Twilight, I was just wandering something I think you can help me with” she explained.

“Yes! Of course! I’m the helper, the helpiest! I am the help master!” Twilight cackled, her lack of sleep clearly getting to her.

Initially concerned and slightly uncomfortable about Twilight’s behaviour, Mayor Mare looked over the unicorn’s shoulder to Anon. The zebra did nothing but shake his head as if warning the mayor not to ask.

“W-well, since Princess Celestia has chosen to have her birthday celebration here in Ponyville I-“ Mayor Mare began to say before being cut off.

“WHAT!!?” Twilight almost roared. If you hadn’t gone deaf from the noise you’d probably hear the echo all the way in Canterlot’.

“I said Princess Celestia is having her birthday here in Ponyville this year. And since you know her better than anypony in town I thought I’d ask you a few questions so we can get the decorations sorte-“ Mayor Mare continued before again being interrupted.

“Herfavouritecolouriswhiteshelikesrosesandherfavouritecakeisstrawberryok?Bye!” Twilight spat out before slamming the door in the mayor’s face.

“I’m doomed!” Twilight cried before collapsing on the floor from a mixture of dread and exhaustion.

Looking down at the passed out mare, Anon shook his head before going back to sleep.

Then returned to draw a pair of balls at the base of Twilight’s horn.

As the week progressed, preparations were made and countless guests arrived from across Equestria to celebrate their monarch’s birthday. The fields for miles were covered with the extravagant tents of aristocracy. Along with the less than extravagant tents of their many servants.

It almost appeared as if the town’s population had grown tenfold overnight.

Not that many in town minded. Along with the welcoming nature of the pony race the money brought in more than made up for any inconveniences.

While the nobles rarely left their tents. Their servants spent most of their free time in the town spending paychecks of bits that barely got them by back in Canterlot. But here in a small town, those bits were greater in number than the yearly income of entire families.

Finally the big day arrived.

Being carried in by a golden carriage pulled by four of her pegasus guards. The birthday mare herself, Princess Celestia arrived.

As she walked passed with unmatched grace, thanking everypony who she met for their warm embrace, all of town seemed to be as happy as possible.

All except for Twilight.

Stood at the farthest end of the crowd, many ponies including her friends between her and Celestia, Twilight went through a panic attack.

“Sup Book Banger” Anon greeted as he nonchalantly trotted up to the mare.

“This is the worst day of my life! Just look at all those amazing gifts everypony else got for Princess Celestia” Twilight almost sobbed.

Indeed they looked like nice presents. Golden carriages, works of art that looked like they cost more than the town, a lot of foreign looking furniture and even a couple statues of the Princess.

Seeing the shame in Twilight’s eyes at not being able to top that, Anon let out a small sigh.

“Here, give her this” Anon said.

Passing Twilight a small purple box wrapped with a blue bow, Anon took a seat next to the unicorn.

“I knew you were going to have trouble finding the “perfect” gift so I found one for you just in case” Anon explained.

“Anon, that’s sweet. But nothing in this box can compete with all those gifts” Twilight replied, her ears folding down.

“Twiggles. Those are gifts for a monarch, not a mare. Would you honestly give your Mom or any of your friends something like that?” Anon asked, pointing at the tapestry depicting Celestia’s entire rule.

“Well, no” Twilight responded.

“Exactly, Celestia’s had a thousand years of nobles and foreign rulers sending her these big flashy gifts. This one comes from the heart, I think you’d probably have thought of it yourself if you weren’t so focused on competing with rich folk who have a way bigger budget than you”

Hearing the surprisingly wise words of the zebra, Twilight began to perk up.

“Thanks Anon, but what about you? If you give me this then you won’t have a gift for Celestia” Twilight said.

“Don’t worry I’ve got something special for old Sun Buns” Anon replied, chuckling heartily.

And like that Twilight’s face went flat.

“Anon if you try to give Celestia your stallionhood I will cut it off” Twilight warned.

“No not that. Although that is a good idea for next year’s gift” Anon replied.

Eventually it came Twilight’s turn to give Celestia her gift. Nervously she approached the Princess, sensing the judging looks of nobles on her as she did.

“Happy Birthday Princess” she said before levitating the gift up to the alicorn.

“Thank you Twilight” Celestia thanked before opening her gift.

It was a mug. A hoof-made one with the words “Bestest Sun Princess” squiggles on it.

The entire crowd went silent. Twilight couldn’t tell if Celestia liked it or not, so she already began plans to exile herself to Zebrica where she intended to live as a goat.

Looking over the mug, Celestia eyed every inch of it curiously.

Finally the tension was cut. As Celestia let out a powerful laugh, looking as if she’d fall over from it.

“Twilight, this must be the most considerate gift I’ve ever received. Thank you, truly” Celestia thanked.

Suppressing a happy squeal, Twilight bowed before returning to the crowd.

Meeting up with her friends Twilight felt a great weight being lifted off of her shoulders.

“Well I’ll be. Good gift Sugar Cube, didn’t know you knew pottery” Applejack congratulated.

“Well I had a lot of help” Twilight admitted.

“Oh there’s one more” Celestia commented, getting everypony’s attention.

From under a pile of fabulous gifts Celestia pulled a long green box with a black bow on it.

“Dear Princess Celestia. Happy Birthday, this is for those long work days. Love, A” Celestia read out.

“Huh, that must be Anon’s gift” Twilight thought to herself.

Watching in anticipation as she opened her last gift, the population of Ponyville and its visitors gasped as the present was revealed.

Foal’s eyes were covered, Rarity fainted, Rainbow Dash laughed her flank off.

Twilight couldn’t bear to look at it for more than a couple seconds. But it was two foot long, had black and green stripes going up
its length and began vibrating.

AN: happy b-day Celly.

Summer Days

It was a hot summer day in Equestria. Temperatures were at a year long high and the population of Ponyville were eager to stave off the heat.

Although one of their residents was more active in his attempts than others.

“Anon get out of that hole” Twilight ordered, using that sentence for the first time in a non-sexual manner.

Out back of the library, Anon had dug a ten foot deep, thirty foot wide by thirty foot long hole.

Already several ponies had tripped and fell into it, being unwittingly drafted into Anon’s workforce.

“Almost done, just need to put something down to stop this thing getting muddy and boom! We’ve got a pool” Anon stated, standing at the bottom of the hole covered in dirt.

Rolling her eyes, Twilight used telekinesis to lift the zebra out the hole herself, planting him down next to her.

“Hey you wouldn’t happen to know a concrete making spell would you?” Anon asked.

“Anon you can’t just put a pool wherever you want. There are zoning laws” she warned him.

“I got permission from Mayor Mare, she said, and I quote, “you can build a pool if you let me use it” Anon explained “besides, it’ll help everyone cool off, add value to the house and deal with the fact my balls are hanging so low my knees knock them when I walk”

Thinking over the first two arguments and ignoring the third, Twilight did see the benefits of having a pool.

“Alright I don’t know any “concrete spells” but a petrification spell should do the trick” Twilight said.

Using her magic Twilight turned the dirt walls and floor of the pool to stone.

“Great, now all we need is some water. Spike! Stop spanking it to Rarity and get the hose!” Anon said, calling up to Spike’s room, making sure anyone who passed could hear him.

Opening the window with a red line across his face, Spike looked down at the two equines he lived with.

“I can’t, the heat’s caused a water shortage and all nonessential water usage is banned” he explained.

“Nonessential!? Has Princess Celestia not seen how low my balls are? If it gets one degree hotter I’ll be leaving a small trench wherever I walk” Anon ranted in frustration with anti-drought measures.

“Anon were in public, stop talking about your… reproductive organs” Twilight scolded, her face going red as she brought up Anon’s low hanging mangos.

“Well when they stop being the worst of all of my problems then I’ll stop” Anon replied.

After rolling her eyes, Twilight’s horn lit up. From the tip a steady stream of water began to pour. Hitting the bottom of the pool the water splashed creating a small puddle.

“I keep forgetting your a super-wizard” Anon stated.

Gaining a smug smile at the title she had been given, Twilight simply nodded in response.

“So how long until it’s full?” He asked.

“A few days” Twilight stated.

“A few days!?” Anon gasped in shock.

“What? I’m one mare and I can’t do this for more than an hour straight. Magic is exhausting” Twilight explained.

The thought of having to wait days for the pool to be filled deeply enraged Anon. Who punished the farming population severely.

“Fuck it I’m getting the hose” Anon snapped before storming back into the library.

“Anon no it’s against the law!” Twilight called out trying to stop him.

“Tell Celestia she can go fuck herself with the rubber replica of my dong I gave her” Anon called out from inside the house.

Returning with a hose Anon filled the pool in a matter of hours much to the protest of Twilight.

But he just continued on about how the heat was affecting his ballsack. Pointing out if he closed his hind legs, his leathery sack would stick to his thighs allowing him to signal Batman.

The statment went over Twilight’s head because as someone who’d never been to Earth she had no idea who or what a “Batman” was.

The pool was filled. As such both Anon and Twlight were able to enjoy it for a full three minutes before the rest of town caught on that there was a pool.

Sweaty ponies in their masses huddled around the watering hole, several fights breaking out as they tried to get a spot in the cool liquid.

Now Anon SHOULD have just dug a new pool. The last one was surprisingly easy once Big Mac fell into his first one and started helping.

But instead, he set up a line and ticket booth. Ten bits for thirty minutes in the pool. Drinks were provided for an additional ten bits per drink.

“This has got to be the best idea I have ever had” Anon chuckled as he counted the hoard of gold coins he was assembling.

“This is going to end badly for you” Twilight stated, looking disapprovingly over Anon’s ill gotten gains.

“Pff, all I know is I’m rich and my sack is cool under the shade of my coin purse. Hell if this weather keeps up I’ll be able to afford a yacht, a yacht with bitches” Anon waved off Twilight’s concerns.

With his confidence matched only by his greed, Anon didn’t notice the weather teams moving large clouds over Ponyville.

Ass soon as it came the heatwave was gone. Now came heavy rain, soaking the bone dry town with cool moister.

The only thing that was drying up was Anon’s buisness. As ponies started to shiver with the sudden plummet in temperature they fled back to their homes for blankets and hot coco.

Glorious hot coco.

I like hot coco!

Pinkie this isn’t your chapter go home!

Anyways.

Say in the rain, his bags of bits becoming soaked. Anon looked to his left. Stood under a magical force field, Twilight was looking awfully smug about the situation.

“Jokes on you Twilight. I’m still rich and my balls are cool as a cucumber” Anon stated, still confident as he was when he had a thriving pool empire.

“Mr Anonymous?” A new voice asked.

Turning his head to the right Anon saw a sharply dressed unicorn stallion in black glasses. Like Twilight he was stood under a magic barrier keeping him dry.

“Yes?” Anon asked.

“I’m agent 999 of the ERS, due to your irresponsible use of water during a drought we will be seizing your assets to pay for agricultural worker’s loss in productivity. Also a new coffee machine at HQ” he stared before telekinetically yanking away all of Anon’s bits.

“But I’m an ERS agent to! I’ve shed blood in the name of the national budget! None of it was mine but it was shed!” Anon protested.

“So you’ll be able to use the coffee machine once it’s installed. Good day” Agent 999 said before leaving the zebra to soak in the rain.

Stood in silence for a few moments, Twilight broke it “well I hope you’ve learnt a valuable lesson Anon” she stated.

“Yeah, next time there’s a heatwave, me and my low hanging fruit are going to Yakyakistan” Anon stated.

And things returned to normal in Ponyville. The pool was eventually shut down as maintenance costs and health/safety inspections forced Anon to turn it into a rum distillery before it blew up due to an unstable batch.

He later acquired a bathtub he now keeps in his room for these situations.

Pablo Anonscobar

Sat at his desk Anon went over his tax forms. Turns out being an ERS agent isn’t an excuse to not pay your own taxes.

“Twilight! Can you put foals down as dependents if you’re not involved in their lives?” Anon called out.

“Anon those foals aren’t yours!” Twilight yelled back from the hallway.

The not so little Anon between the zebra’s legs had made contact with many mares over the last few months. Many of which had given birth to healthy little pony babies.

None of which were Anon’s.

“You don’t have any evidence! What about Bubble Tea’s twins?” Anon asked.

Within two days of his transformation, Anon had an encounter with a barista named Bubble Tea. Then he had a different encounter with her coltfriend Blitz Bash.

Months later she had birthed two healthy foals, Herbal Tea and Earl Grey.

“They’re both Pegasi” Twilight reminded him.

“And!?”

“She’s an earth pony!” Twilight called back “Anon you’ve had fifteen paternity tests since you came here and they’ve all come back negative. Stop trying to get deductibles!”

Grumbling as that 1.25% tax break was ripped away from him, Anon continued.

“Then there’s a capital gains tax, my expenses, income tax- why do I have to do income tax? I work for the government. Can’t they just take the money out of my paychecks?” Anon asked, calling out the nonsensical methods of government.

After trying to figure out what Tax Edict 203-B was and how it was related to his annual sugar intake, Anon gave up and went to the local bar.

His usual watering hole “the Tipsy Mare” was alive with fun and laughter as usual.

Trotting up to the bar, Anon looked over the sign hanging above the counter. It was a challenge that more than a few ponies had tried and failed.

If you managed to drink a whole barrel of apple cider and were still able to walk without trouble you got free drinks for a month and a night with the barmaid/owner Pina Colada.

To this day no entity could do it. Especially because Pina always bought extra large barrels.

“Evening Pina” Anon greeted the fairly plump white coated earth pony mare with a cocktail glass for a cutie mark.

Bit of a red flag for her parent’s competency considering she got it when she was six.

Pushing her red mane out of the way, Pina raised an eyebrow at Anon.

“It’s the afternoon, we’re still serving lemonade and cola” she corrected.

The clock was still at half two, most of the ponies in the bar were just stopping for lunch or to socialise on their work breaks.

“Well now you’re serving alcohol, daddy needs to nuke his liver” Anon said putting two bits on the counter.

Shaking her head slightly Pina pulled a pint of apple cider. Unlike the high quality drink the Apple family produced during cider season this orange/yellow substance was imported from a larger operation out of town.

Dead cheap tho.

“So what’s eating you today?” Pina asked. Her bartender senses activating once a troubled client comes into range.

“Taxes” Anon stated.

Letting out a snort, Pina Colada started cleaning some glasses while she and Anon continued their conversation.

“Yeah, they stink. But you gotta pay them” she commented.

While he knew she was right, his regular use of roads proved that. Anon still didn’t like the idea.

“Wouldn’t be saying that if you looked at my tax form. I owe 4,262 and a quarter bits I don’t have” Anon explained.

“What do you mean “don’t have”?” Pina asked.

“It means I don’t have that much money” Anon replied.

“Well where’s it all gone? You’re a government worker so don’t you get paid well?” She asked.

“Yes but I spent all of it” Anon stated.

“On what?” Pina asked, confused on how one stallion could spend a so much in a week. Especially when he hasn’t been working at his job for more than a month.

Instead of words, Anon pointed at the sign explaining Pina’s challenge.

“I will get that free booze” Anon stated, ignoring the audible screaming of his liver.

Snorting, Pina shook her head.

“Well I’d find the bits if I were you” she said before trotting away to serve other customers.

Thinking as he nursed his drink. Anon tried to figure out how to make the money he needed for taxes.

Extra hours? A second job? Asking for help from his friends?

All of these were logical ways to get the money he needed.

“Screw it, I'll just sell crack” Anon thought to himself.

The very next day, Anon travelled through the Everfree forest and found the alchemist Zecora’s hut.

Knocking on the door he waited for a response. He didn’t have to wait long.

Opening the door, Anon suspected that he just woke Zecora up. The groggy looking zebra mare blinking a few times before she focused in on him.

“Anon? What a surprise, what brings you before my eyes?” She asked.

“I need you to teach me how to make crack” Anon explained.

Pausing for a moment, Zecora furrowed her brow in annoyance.

“That request is wack, what makes you think I know how to make crack?” She asked defensively.

“Z, I can see the pot plant in your window, also you’re an alchemist which is like a magic chemist so if anyone in this techno coloured madhouse knows it should be you” Anon explained his theory.

Refusing to respond, Zecora angrily pushed a book into Anon’s hooves before slamming the door.

“Euphoria and You” Anon read out the book’s title “thanks Zecora! I’ll send you a cut!”

With the secrets of the drug lord lifestyle now in his hooves, Anon moved onto the next phase of his plan.

All he needed now was a lab and supplies.

Most if not all his supplies he could buy in town or “borrow” from Twilight. Now all he needed was a place to make it.

The library was out of question, and most places in town were out. So in his infinite wisdom he chose the Castle of the Two Sisters. It was out of the way and completely abandoned.

It took nearly two weeks of moving in but eventually the lab was set up.

Looking over his handy work Anon wiped some sweat from his brow.

“Right, let’s get to work” he said to himself.

…

Back in Ponyville, Twilight almost jumped out of her coat as a thunderous explosion rocked the town.

“Damn it! I spilled my ink!” She cursed.

Her twenty thousand word fanfic about her and Celestia’s wedding was now covered in ink. Was a great shame as well, she had only just finished describing the wedding cake.

…

“Pinkie I need your help making crack to pay off my taxes”

Having lured the party animal out to his lab with the promise of frosting, Anon explained his needs. After almost killing himself trying to make drugs alone, Anon decided he needed help.

And Pinkie was the only one he actually trusted not to blow them up (again) or rat him out.

Because you see, drugs are illegal in Equestria.

“Sooooooo. There’s no frosting?” She asked, her sweet tooth being her primary concern.

“No sorry, but I’ll buy you all the frosting you want if you help” Anon promised.

“Pinkie Promise?” She asked.

“Yeah”

“Okie dokie loki pokie, just let me get changed. I don’t want my coat smelling like this stuff” Pinkie agreed.

“Eh?” Anon asked.

Watching in horror as Pinkie unzipped her coat and removed the pink fur and bouncy pink mane, Anon’s jaw dropped in shock. Without her coat on, Pinkie resembled her family much closer. With a dull grey coat and dark mane to match.

“I- you-“ Anon stuttered, not knowing how to react to this.

“Nopony will ever believe you” Pinkie stated, a sinister smile across her face.

Realising she was right, Anon tried to get back to work.

…

Twilight had discovered many things she considered strange after coming to Ponyville.

Half of them coming from Pinkie, the other half from her learning how to socialise like a functional adult.

But this recent phenomena took the cake.

All around her, the town’s population seemed… odd. Not quite Pinkie level odd but still pretty odd.

“Hey Twilight!”

“Morning Twilight!”

“Have a great day Twilight!”

“I can taste atoms Twilight!”

Watching them zoom past, doing daily tasks that would take hours in seconds. It had been this way for just over a month and non of her friends could figure out what was happening.

“What in the name of Celestia is going on?” She asked as she returned home from the market.

“Morning Twiggles, what’s for lunch?”

Hearing her housemate’s voice Twilight turned around, her eyes going wide as Anon stood behind her wearing a purple fur coat with white trimming dotted with black spots.

“W-what are you wearing?” She asked, seeing the second strangest thing this week.

“My new coat” Anon replied.

“I can see that, WHY are you wearing it?” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Because it makes me look fabulous” Anon said.

Many friendship lessons had taught Twilight not to judge or presume things about others without getting to know them first. But Anon was the sole exception to this rule.

“Anon what did you do to Ponyville?” She deadpanned. Knowing the green stallion was behind this somehow.

Putting a hoof on his chest, Anon let out a shocked gasp.

“Twilight, how could you possibly think I did this? And here I thought we were friends” Anon said, having taken great offence to her accusations.

Now usually Twilight would instantly regret her words and apologise for the hurt caused by them. But this was Anon we are talking about, she knows better than that.

“Knock Knock Knock”

Answering the door, Twilight was met by an even more energetic than usual (if that’s possible) Pinkie covered in what looked to be vanilla frosting.

“Hi Twilight! Is Nonny home?” Pinkie asked.

Turning her attention back to Anon who was carefully trying to make his way back to his room, Twilight grabbed him with her telepathic grip.

Wincing slightly as Anon’s hooves dug into the floor as he was dragged back, face to face with Twilight.

“Anon. What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight repeated herself, slowly.

“Ok, but you have to promise not to be mad” Anon replied.

“What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight asked again.

“You see-“ Anon began.

“NonnyandImadecracktopayofftaxesandhepromisedmeallthefrostingIcouldeatbutIateitallnowIwantmoreplease” Pinkie spilled the beans at the speed of pink.

That did not make Twilight a happy pony. It didn’t make her a happy pony at all.

“You did WHAT!?” Twilight yelled in Anon’s face.

“Pinkie you snitchy bitch” Anon said, sounding betrayed as he glanced over his shoulder at Pinkie.

“Sorry Nonny, couldn’t hold it in any longer” Pinkie apologised, looking sheepishly at the zebra.

“Anon, I know you didn’t think but I’ll ask anyway. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?” Twilight yelled.

Shrugging his shoulders Anon’s mind raced to figure out a way out of this.

And like always, his greatest strength came to bare. Deflection.

“Pinkie’s coat isn’t naturally pink” Anon blurted out.

“Don’t change the subject Anon” Twilight frowned. She has had to explain that she wasn’t Anon’s wife to enough ponies at social events to know his moves.

“No seriously, she’s wearing a suit and a wig. She’s as grey as gravel” Anon continued trying to press.

“That is somehow still the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all day. Do you really think I wouldn’t know if one of my best friends was wearing a coat suit and a wig?” Twilight asked.

Looking over the unicorns’s shoulder Anon could see Pinkie mouthing the words “I told you so”

“I mean I’ve been selling crack for over a month” Anon argued.

Resisting the urge to snap his neck like a twig with her mighty nerd brain magic, Twilight thought of the most obvious solution.

Forcing both Anon and Pinkie (who needed a bath to get the frosting out her “coat”) to take her to their drug lab, Twilight looked around the complex in disgust.

“I can’t believe you would use a cultural heritage site to make that awful drug” she scolded Anon.

“Hey it’s not like anyone was coming here, and why are you only mad at me? Pinkie helped!” Anon defended his actions.

“Anon you bribed Pinkie with frosting, that’s like daring Rainbow Dash or promising Rarity something shiny. It’s not their fault they’re built like that” Twilight explained with a face so flat Maud Pie would look expressive in comparison.

Rolling his eyes Anon sat on his flank pouting while Twilight fixed the epidemic he had created.

With a glow of her horn the flour sacks of narcotics began to glow. The pure white substance slowly turned purple as they were saturated by magical plot stuff.

“Ok, that should remove the addictive qualities. Once this is distributed the negative effects will fade and all the ponies you harmed will be cured” Twilight explained.

“Wait, so I still get to sell this stuff right? Thanks Twiggles, you’re pretty cool” Anon thanked, his mind already pondering what endangered animal he’d buy a coat of next.

“Anon you’re going to give it away for free” Twilight informed him.

“Aw come on! This stuff is expensive to make! I’m only operating on a 350% profit margin, that’s basically in the red!” Anon protested, holding up his hoof dramatically.

Showing off his golden horseshoe in the process.

“Let me put it this way Anon, you’re going to give it away to help the ponies you’ve hurt or I will tell Mayor Mare what you did and you’ll go to prison” Twilight said giving him an ultimatum.

Thinking for a moment. The forces of Greed and Logic doing battle in his head.

The forces of Greed of course being represented by imaginary Anons dressed as Mammon from the hit show Helluva Boss that you should all definitely watch assuming you’re 18.

Ultimately Logic won after suplexing Greed into Anon’s first memeory of almost being molested by a guy in a white van. Luckily he was on a diet so couldn’t take up the offer of free candy.

“Fine” Anon murmured.

“Thank you. Now Pinkie, you need to stop doing things just because somepony offered you fro- what’s that rumbling sound?” Twilight turned to her pink friend before being put off by the sound of rumbling.

The sacks of crack were shaking violently, seeming to expand slowly at first before rapidly overflowing. The purple rocks seemed to double in size before breaking up and doubling in size again.

“Crackalanche!” Anon called out in a panick.

Rushing out of the Castle of the Two Sisters, all three quadrupeds looked on in horror as the pile grew so large it could barely be contained within the ruins.

“Twiggles, what just happened?” Anon asked.

Truly lost for words, Twilight just looked on at the sheer size of the mountain of drugs.

Trotting over, Pinkie gave the pile a sniff before picking one of the rocks up. Causally throwing it in her mouth Pinkie gave it a hearty chew before swallowing.

“Looks like crack, smells like crack, even tastes like it, but with a hint of lavender. Nonny I think Twilight somehow-“ Pinkie began before suddenly stopping. Her pupils expanded until they completely covered her eyes before she flopped over onto her back, hooves sticking up in the air.

“Again, Twilight, what did you do?” Anon repeated himself.

“I- I don’t know. Somehow my addiction removal spell must have caused a molecular reaction which caused the rocks to rapidly gain mass” Twilight theorised. If she wasn’t so concerned she’d probably have geeked out over this discovery.

“So let me get this straight. I had over ten thousand bits worth of crack in that building. This pile looks easily a hundred times that, so to make everything clear. You’ve created one million bits worth of crack” Anon said slowly as to try and make sure he got everything right.

“I- I guess so?” Twilight replied, still unclear how to feel about this.

She didn’t have to dwell on it long as Anon pulled her close, embracing her in a deep surprise kiss.

Maintaining the smooch for several seconds as Twilight was frozen with her eyes wide with shock, Anon eventually let her breathe.

“Twilight! You perfect nerd! I love you! From now on I promise I won’t hoast swingers orgies in the house while you and Spike are visiting your parents!” Anon promised with the tiers of joy rolling down his face.

Still in shock from the kiss Twilight didn’t even acknowledge the orgy comment.

“I’m going to get so fucking rich off selling this shit to the big cities” Anon schemed, rubbing his hooves together.

While still frozen and now beet red, Twilight shook herself back to reality long enough to put her own hoof down.

“Anon no! You are going to undo the damage you’ve done to Ponyville then you are going to get rid the rest of this awful substance! Are. We. Clear.” She said through blushing cheeks.

Looking at her then back to the drugs pile several times Anon rolled his eyes.

“Alright Twiggles, to show you I mean it I Pinkie Promise I’ll get rid of the drugs” Anon said raising his right hoof.

Weeks after the reign of Pablo Anonscobar came to an end Twilight was reading the morning papers on how a new breed of crack was making its rounds through Equestria’s major cities.

Dubbed Bookworm Lavender it supposedly removed the addiction of its users and was costing the Mafia millions.

Twilight was mad at first until she realised that unfortunately Anon did exactly what she told him so.

He “got rid of the drugs”

Besides she had dismantled his lab so hopefully that was the last Equestria would see if it’s shortest lived Drug Lord.

“I’m just glad this is all over Spike” Twilight sighed as she sipped her tea.
“Yeah, let’s just hope Anon learnt his lesson and decided to be financially responsible for once.

Hopes that the baby dragon’s words would be true was quickly dashed.

For Anon tumbled down the stairs with a large bag with the word “swag” written on it.

“Spike get your wallet we’re going Warhammer 40k mini shopping!” Anon called out with joy, having learnt nothing.

As the employer/assistant sister/brother duo looked in at the excitable zebra one thought was on their minds.

“What’s a Warhammer 40k?” Spike asked.

Anon the Warhammerer

Table Top’s Games Shop, the best and only palace in Ponyville to play and buy role playing games, card games and strategy games.

“Thirty bits for ten plastic models!? And you have to assemble them yourselves!?” Twilight yelled, shocked at the overpriced nature of the models.

“Duh, that’s the fun part” Anon said as he searched for his preferred army “I had a two thousand point Black Templar army before I got brought to Equestria. Shitty that I couldn’t bring it with me”

Despite all the models being equine parodies of human 40k models, Anon was still geeking out over how cool they were.

Twilight still wasn’t convinced. Browsing the hundreds of boxes, each showing off different models she didn’t see why Anon was so happy to be here.

“So… are you going to buy some of those “Black Templars?” She asked. This was something her friends liked so she would at least try and be interested.

“Nah, I think I’ll homebrew some Chaos Space Marines this time” Anon replied as he picked up some Raptors.

“Chaos Space Marines?” Spike asked from over in the Dungeons and Dragons shelves.

“They’re like regular Space Marines but they sold their souls to the Forces of Chaos” Anon explained.

Now you’d think that a game where dragons are one of the major bad guys would be offensive to the young dragon. But he had a level twelve paladin of Bahamut so clearly not.

“You know what Twiggles? You might like it if you give it a try” Anon offered.

Wrinkling her nose slightly Twilight was still sceptical about it.

“Alright, I’ll try ONE box, but I promise nothing” Twilight replied.

Searching through the factions, Twilight picked up some Ultramarines, having been told by one of the staff they were the most “basic” of the armies.

Paying for everything they needed and picking up Spike’s newest addition of Power Ponies no 73 “Lawsuits of Terror” the trio headed back to the library.

“So we assemble them and then just paint them to look like they do on the box?” Twilight asked as she emptied her box.

“You can really paint them whatever you want but I’d follow the box for your first time, but thin your paints first” Anon explained as he sorted out the three boxes of Raptors and four Legionaries.

“Why?” Twilight asked, tilting her head slightly.

“Because people-“ Anon began.

“Ponies” Twilight corrected.

“Because PEOPLE who don’t thin their paints are psychopaths” Anon stated.

While Spike read his comic with deep interest, Anon helped guide Twilight through her mini’s assembling and painting.

Nine hours passed before they were finished.

Before the two were some of the most immaculately painted and assembled minis to ever grace Equestria with their presence.

Also Anons, which were fine I guess.

“Damn, those are pretty cool” Anon complimented as he looked over the Element of Magic’s minis.

“Really? You think so?” Twilight asked.

The paints were perfectly thinned, the stickers were perfectly placed, even the minis themselves were glued mathematically perfect onto the base.

“Yeah! You’ve got a knack for this” Anon praised.

While being told she was good at something was already a dopamine hit for the bookworm, Twilight couldn’t help but smile as she genuinely enjoyed painting the minis.

“So what do we actually do with them?” Twilight asked.

“Simple, you battle with them” Anon explained.

“Battle?” Twilight asked, the idea of fighting with plastic minis confusing her.

“You know that book I got you? It’s called a Codex, it tells you what your minis can do and it helps you use them to battle against other armies” Anon explained.

“Huh? Can we try?” Twilight asked.

“Sure, I’ll use ten of my Legionaries because you only got the one box. If you need any help just ask” Anon replied.

-1 hour later-

“Ok that’s bullshit” Anon stated.

Somehow, despite using a solid strategy and a good set up, Anon had lost the small battle with Twilight in two rounds.

“Hey I just did what the book said” Twilight stated holding up her Codex.

“Yeah yeah, anyhow what did you think?” Anon asked.

“It was kind of fun, hey do you think the girls would enjoy this?” Twilight asked.

While he couldn’t see Rainbow, Rarity or Fluttershy enjoying the game Anon did think it could be fun to try.

“Eh, we can give it a try” Anon shrugged.

Anon would quickly learn to regret that statement.

Over the next week he and Twilight managed to get the rest of the Mane 6 into Warhammer.

Rainbow Dash played Black Templars.

Applejack played the Imperial Fists.

Rarity played Dark Eldar.

Pinkie Pie played Orks.

And Fluttershy played Tau.

And they all somehow managed to whoop the “Sons of Florida” every time.

Having seen his Chaos Space Marines and their 50k words worth of backstory and description being decimated due to better strategies and sheer dumb luck, Anon thought to himself that he should find new people to play with.

“Alright I hope you girls had fun, see you tomorrow, I’m going to go sit in my bathtub and rethink my existence” Anon bid farewell as those who didn’t live in the tree-library went home for the night.

Dipping himself in a lavender bubble bath and coconut bath salt, Anon read through one of Spike’s Power Pony comics.

Issue 72 “Bath of the Megalodon” to be precise.

“This writing is so hammy I could make a sandwich out of it” Anon commented as he flipped a page.

“Ooh there’s a Royal Gala coming up. I should see if Twiggles wants to go” Anon mused as a advert for a Royal Ball appeared in between pages.