What Spike Gets Up To Upstairs.
Ah yes, Twilight Sparkle! That irrepressibly-lovable mutant unicorn-turned-alicorn who’s saved the world a squillion times already, rules with pride and dedication over Ponyville, has read every known book in existence yet handles pressure with the same inspirational maturity as Rainbow Dash does with discovering the latest JK Yearling extravaganza has a cliffhanger ending. Let’s see what the lavender legend is up to, shall we?
“Actually hue-wise, I think I’m more purple than lavender, so perhaps ‘purple paragon’ would be more appropriate.”
Well ‘scuse me for trying to pay you a compliment, Miss Fussy-Pants! Okay, let’s go with… what you just said. Sorry that I’m not a qualified artist enough to see past all the subtle shades of your glorious Flash animation. Too late to edit the first paragraph now however, so I guess you’re stuck with both descriptions. I’m sure you’ll live though!
“I-It’s not like I’m that punctilious about my colouring, but for accuracy’s sake I do like to keep track of what percentage my body decides it to be. That way, I have another complicated pie-chart to observe every morning, and you know how much fun those are…”
“Erm, Twi… what are you talking about? Who are you talking to? And what the Tartarus does ‘punctilious’ mean, anyway?!”
At this solemn juncture, Spike the dragon, Twilight’s cute-yet-committed assistant for more years than he could remember (or indeed cared to) sauntered into the castle library with a wry eye. He’d heard rumblings coming from upstairs, and wanted to get a heads-up in case they were unexpected visitors who wanted food, drinks or a good-old-fashioned backrub.
Don’t laugh… he actually gave me a short massage the other day, and it did wonders for my lumbago. Or perhaps it was the added bonus of the accidental acupuncture I received from his sharp claws that did the trick, and… look, it doesn’t matter. Just hire him if you get the chance; you may be pleasantly surprised. He’s way better than that white-furred muscular shouty stallion at the Ponyville Day Spa, take my word for it!
“Oh, it’s nothing Spike. I was just having a brief chat with The Narrator Guy while I finished off this essential work for Celestia. She’s having this argument with her sister you see, about whether The Sun orbits Equestria faster than The Moon. There’s a lot of precious marble cake riding on the outcome of this gripping race, so I want to make sure I get the calculations just right…”
“Er, ‘The Narrator Guy’? And Twilight… I already know the answer to that question. Everypony does. It’s the Moo…”
“Shh Spike! It doesn't matter what you ‘think’. I have to study the lunar and astral cycles in exhaustive detail, stay up for hours with a telescope to look at their respective patterns, compare the contrasting trajectories…”
“Don’t you think you’re over-analysing this a… oh, look who I’m asking. You’re probably enjoying all this wholly unnecessary research on a quiet day where there are no Friendship problems, aren’t you? Well, aren’t you?!”
“Yes, yes. Good, good. Now run along and play with your little toys, won’t you?”
“Okay, Twilight whatever you say. But please be aware: I’m having two very special guests over in a bit, so please don’t be too… weird around them. I’d like them to feel like they’ve entered the Castle Of Friendship, not Screwball’s Home For The Mentally Imbalanced. Do you think you can do that for me?”
“Of course, Spike. Two sugars, thoroughly stirred and in a plastic beaker please because remember: we save the best porcelain for when Celestia visits. By the way, did I tell you… she set me a very important task. I’m currently embarking on an astronomical adventure like no other to calculate exactly… huh?! Where’s he gone? How rude… I swear, sometimes he has the attention span of a Breezie. Well, back to my advanced mathematics… let's see. The sum of the angle divided by the point of entry would be…”
*******************
Presently there was a knock on the door, and this being Ponyville where everypony trusts everypony else, the visitor didn’t wait to be ushered in because it was always kept unlocked.
Yes, even at the dead of night when you’d expect crime to be at its peak. No muggers, robbers or murderers in this neck of the woods! Just the occasional delinquent jaywalker. And they were prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, let me tell you!
“Um, hello? Is anypony here? I just popped around to see Spike, if that’s alright. Don’t worry, I wiped my hooves before coming in… I’ll go straight upstairs, shall I?”
As you’ve no doubt guessed by the unfailingly polite tremor and the unmistakably posh accent, this fresh arrival was none other than Rarity, the horned fashionista. Indisputably one of Twilight’s very best friends, but one which the currently highly-occupied alicorn was far too busy to properly greet in her normal effusive way.
“Rarity! Such a pleasure as always to see you! Well, not that I can actually see you because I’m down in the library doing something very important, but just hang your coat up and go upstairs if you want to see Spike. I think he mentioned something about having guests… or maybe it was about having a rest? I don’t know, but if he is asleep… you have my permission to wake him up. I swear, his lay-ins get longer every single day. I’ll have to look up if dragons hibernate at this rate…”
“Er… okay. I’ll do just that then. Well, it was nice talking to you… good luck with… whatever it is you’re doing I suppose. Bye for now.”
A slightly mollified Rarity decided that Twilight was much too distracted to fully engage with, and so unhesitatingly made her way up to Spike’s bedroom where she knew in advance her presence would be expected. The last the alicorn heard from her mare friend was the sound of an opening door, followed by an eager cry of “Rarity! You made it!” and two kissing noises before the door was abruptly slammed shut behind her.
Huh, that was slightly odd. But anyway, on with the show. Twilight wondered momentarily why Rarity had chosen to abandon her much-loved boutique at the time of day when she’d usually expect a lot of trade, but not for long as thoroughly involved in her space research as she was. That is until a few minutes later, when rather more suspicious ruminations could be heard emitting from the floor just above.
“Oh, yes! Oh, yes baby! Give it to me… Daddy wants the whole lot! Can you feel it, huh? Can you feel me taking you for a ride? I’ll wipe you out, baby! I’ll take you for everything you’ve got, and you’ll love it, baby. You’ll love it!!”
Short of a world-threatening attack by the unstoppable combined forces of King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon, nothing on Equestria could’ve distracted Twilight from her dedication towards her studies, but this sure did. What in Celestia’s good name is going on up there?! I-It can’t be. They couldn’t. They shouldn’t. Not under my roof, surely.
But whatever a suddenly mortified Twilight’s worst fears were, they seemed to be coming true as Spike’s high-pitched triumphant yells were accompanied by what can only be described as the sound of Rarity alternatingly screaming and screeching at such a loud volume as to almost shatter every mirror and window in the entire castle.
Not only that, but think about the material which this structure is made from. Any more of this intense shrieking and shouting and the crystal, no matter how durable it might be, would undoubtedly just… shatter. At this point, Twilight was not only concerned for the malleable innocence of her young dragon assistant but also the very future of her homestead full stop. A serious collapse, both of her fragile palace and of the general moral standards ‘round these parts seemed almost inevitable, until…
*Knock, knock*. As seemed the pattern for the day, another loud banging on the door could be heard just above the intense noise, and without waiting for further confirmation it swung open to reveal none-other than…
“E-Ember! What are you doing here?” Twilight had already gotten out of her study chair en route to confronting her two friends doing who-knows-what, when she galloped almost slap-bang into the confused dragoness. “Oh, never mind! You have to help me put a stop to… whatever that pair are playing at. It breaks my heart to see Spike lead astray like this… and with Rarity, of all…”
“Not to worry Twilight, I’ll soon sort them out. Their days of playing with each other are over! Now Princess Ember’s here to dominate, she’ll whip them into shape in no time at all! You just wait right there, and I’ll take care of them. Better watch out you two, because once I’ve finished with you both you’ll wish you’d never been born.”
O-Okay. A bit over-dramatic for my tastes, but at least she seems to be taking the situation seriously. Twilight watched with slight bemusement as an eager Ember flew in ahead of her, before slamming Spike's bedroom door in her face. What the… but I wanted to find out what was happening in there myself…
As if to answer the alicorn’s question, the loud noises stopped instantaneously. Peace, perfect peace… serenity reigned… you could’ve heard a pin drop. See? I just dropped one. *plop*
Well, I don’t know what Ember did, but I’m eternally grateful. A clearly relieved Twilight thought that the worst was over, and began descending the stairs with confidence. Still, I will be having a very stern chat with a certain male dragon later on about the facts of life. I wonder if there’s any specialist books in the library, with which I could aid him…
Alas, Twilight’s hopes were dashed almost as soon as she was back on the ground floor, as the all-too-short period of quiet was apparently just the calm before the storm.
“I’ll get you! I can handle you both at the same time!! You can’t escape me for long. I’ll take everything you’ve got! I’ll have you begging on your knees. Come to Papa!!” That was a very worked-up Spike, yelling louder than ever before.
“Have mercy, have mercy! What kind of a heartless monster are you?! There'll be nothing left of me by the time you’re finished.” Rarity had apparently taken a brief respite from howling like a banshee, and now she sounded on the verge of… something.
“Don’t be a hatchling, Rarity. There’s plenty to go around. Listen, you start from that end, and I’ll start from that end… and then we’ll show him who’s boss. C’mon, let’s roll!” If Twilight was still holding onto the lingering embers of Ember putting a stop to this nonsense, well… that’d come to an end for a start.
If anything, she was just making the ongoing potential crime scene upstairs even worse. And as the ground began to quake and shake and Twilight curled up into a trembling ball to rock herself gently from side to side, the sound only increased and things only seemed to intensify between the unceasingly boisterous threesome upstairs.
“Hey, that’s not fair! Save some for me, Ember!”
“No, Rarity. You’ve had him all to yourself for a while… now I want a piece!”
“Ladies, ladies. You can’t go together, it’s against the rules. You have to come at me one at a time… it’s only right. Just remember though: I’m in charge here, and any attempts to stop me will be dealt with most… severely…”
Twilight could hear no more. She was little more than a gibbering wreck at this juncture, and in her desperation to touch grass outside and escape this madhouse in which she now resided, she ran straight over to the front door to pull it open…
…Only to discover none other than a somewhat surprised Starlight Glimmer standing there, large-as-life, about to turn the handle and understandably puzzled by her mentor’s somewhat deranged appearance.
“E-Erm, hi Twilight? You look… different. Is anything the matter?”
“Ah, Starlight Glimmer! My prize student… so faithful, so pure, so clean. Tell me, does it say on a whopping great sign outside ‘The Brothel Of Friendship?’
“Um, last time I checked, no? Why do you…”
“Good to know, good to know. Listen, I need a break from my research. A long one. Do you want to go and pick daisies… or play catch… or dip your head in freezing cold water for the rest of the afternoon…?”
“W-Well as tempting as that all sounds, I already had alternative plans. You see, Spike has this ‘thing’ happening right now, and I was just going to join in…”
“WHAT?!” Twilight’s mental breakdown-infused gale-force yelp there almost blew Starlight right out of the front door whence she came, but the bewildered unicorn just managed to cling onto the frame to stare with concern at her heavily panting and sweating teacher.
“Er, it’s really nothing to worry about. Just the four of us getting together for the exciting climax…. you’re more than welcome to join us if you want… you’ll have to go last though, as me, Rarity and Ember were here first… Spike can be a bit rough at first, but once you get used to him, he’s actually quite… hmm, that’s new.”
Starlight admired the new Twilight-shaped hole in the crystalline wall which had seemingly appeared after she’d looked away for a moment, whilst wondering where the alicorn had vanished right in the middle of their conversation. Oh well, I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s probably just having one of her funny ‘Twilighting’ turns. In the meantime, It’s time I returned to the heat of the action upstairs. They better not have started without me like last time… well, here goes nothing!
The determined unicorn made her way up into Spike’s room and opened it whilst announcing herself simultaneously. “Hey, everypony… and dragon. Are you ready for some real fun? You’ve had things your own way for too long, but now I’m here your days are numbered! Come on, budge up so I can squeeze in too!”
“Goodness Starlight, we’re only playing Monopony! Anypony would think it was a matter of life and death!” Rarity ‘greeted’ the new arrival, forgetting her earlier hysteria when she’d lost almost her entire bankroll. “Besides, I think this game is as good as done. The only card I’ve got left is Prince Blueblood Boulevard, the cheapest, lowest value card in the collection. Some greedy dragon has bought up almost the entire board, and even that’s not enough for him!”
“Well Spike, after spending almost your entire life with ponies, I didn’t think you had it in you to be so downright ruthless and cunning, but here you are with nearly every property in your claws. Usually I’d hate to lose, but I just feel so proud.” Ember genuinely gushed to the younger competitive reptile, sounding for all the world like an admiring aunt. “I think we’ve finally found your calling in life…”
“Alright, that’s enough Ember. Less talky, more playee.” Spike was in no mood to let Ember’s glowing praise distract him from his utter domination of proceedings, as even Rarity’s kissed greeting on both of his cheeks earlier hadn’t succeeded in putting him off his stride. “Now, only Celestia Centopath remains… and that’s a double six… I’ll take that, thank you very much! And of course I get another go with a double throw… glorious victory here we come… isn’t life great sometimes?”
Author's Note
Another comedic one-shot before I get back to my chapter fics.
Hopefully this amply amused you. Have a great day! 
