In which Equestria discovers that glucosinolates cause extreme flatulence in alicorns.
It was a lovely day in Ponyville. Clear skies, fresh air, birds chirping. Ponies gathered in the market to trade and socialize. All was peaceful, until...
RRRIIIIIIPPP!
The birds fled with a chorus of angry tweets. Abruptly, every pony in the town square stopped. Several residents lifted their snouts. A few even dared to breath deeply. At least one pony passed out cold.
There was a snap, crackle, and pop! of magenta magic, and Twilight Sparkle was gone before anypony could figure out just what had happened. Until it hit them.
~~~
The Day Before
Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were gathered in one of the many kitchens of Twilight's castle. They were going to bake a cake. Crates and barrels of ingredients lined the room, ready for Pinkie's special brand of baking.
"Pinkie, are you sure cruciferous vegetables belong in a cake?" asked Twilight as she sifted various powdered ingredients. Her snout was covered in flour. She sneezed, sending a white cloud throughout the kitchen. Her expression remained puzzled as she consulted the aged recipe book. The ancients had great wisdom, but they also had poor taste, in her opinion. Baking with Pinkie Pie could certainly be an adventure.
Ever the optimist, Pinkie grinned, "Well, we're about to find out, Twi! I'm going historically avant-garde with my baking this month! Every oldy-moldy flavour, no holds barred, all the way to the max, no wrong answers!"
Applejack grimaced. "Much as I love both tradition and veggies, Pinks... you sure them olden-ponies knew what they was doin'? Weren't they all starvin' like? Did they even have proper ovens?"
Engrossed in chopping cauliflower, Pinkie replied, "Of course not, silly filly! This is real old-school Earth Pony stuff we're cooking up!" She stopped suddenly, turned towards Applejack, and pressed her snout right up into her friend's face. "Are you implying that Earth Ponies don't make super-ultra-exteme-awesomazing food?!"
Applejack blanched. "Nuh-uh, Sugarcube. You, uh, you'll do us ground folk proud, surely." She backed off a few steps.
"Buuuuuut?" pressed the master baker.
Applejack stuttered, "Well, if I'm gonna be honest, and I probably should, seein' as I'm the element of it and all, and we all gotta embody our elements because that's what, uh, friendship is all about, and seein' as we're such good friends, um..." Her green eyes darted back and forth before landing on Twilight with an expression that said help me, Sweet Celestia, please.
"I think what Applejack is trying to say, Pinkie," said Twilight, tactfully, carefully enunciating each word, "is that non-traditional confectionery ingredients like broccoli are maybe non-traditional for a reason?"
Pinkie let out a massive sigh. "That's what I've been trying to say!" She continued mixing, determined, "We're going off the grid here, ladies! Now let me focus!" Pinkie dove back into her crates of ingredients, rummaging around for just the right one. She popped her head out of a mound of cabbages. "Oh, and thank you for the twelve bushels of brussel sprouts, AJ! Okay, I love you, byeeee!" Down she went into the crates of vegetables once more, hind legs swinging absurdly in the air, foraging for the foremost flatulent flavours of the forest. "Now where are those turnips?!"
Applejack gave Twilight a long, sad look, shook her head, and left. "Good luck, Sugarcube," she muttered. Twilight could only stare in amazement as her most steadfast friend trotted out with her tail between her legs. If AJ was ditching this little experiment, it was surely going to be a disaster.
On a parchment, Twilight quickly penned a note. "Spike," it read, "Please cancel all my appointments this week. We may have a Pinkie Problem."
~~~
The Day of the Event
A loud sound, like something out of a chainsaw in a horror movie, woke Rainbow Dash. Then the chainsaw hit her nostrils, ripping her out of her slumber and nearly tumbling her off the cloud above the market where she had been napping.
"Dude, wait what?! Ewww, so nasty!" Rainbow beat her wings, hard. Harder. Even harder. It wasn't enough to waft away the stench! How was that not enough?!
"It's like flying over a bull pasture here, yikes!" Dash looked down at the town square from her cloud and called out to the ponies fleeing to and fro, "Yo, who cut all the cheeses? Somepony burning garbage down there? Smells like a surströmming factory exploded! What gives? Eughh!"
~~~
Rarity was taking the Cutie Mark Crusaders fishing when the shockwave hit her delicate nose.
"Oh my word, darlings! That is positively foul! So uncouth! I demand to know who is responsible, and what in the world your family has been feeding you!"
Applebloom gagged. "Apples, whadd'ya think?"
"Hey! Not my fault if my Aunties use the food bank!" cried Scootaloo in indignation.
Sweetie Belle huffed, "You're my family, Rarity! And this time it wasn't even me!"
~~~
Fluttershy stopped grazing to glare at her little bunny friend.
"Goodness, Angel. Not again! Have you been munching on my wasabi gardens?!"
~~~
Pinkie Pie panicked.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake!!! GET THE GAS MASKS! I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! SAVE THE FOALS!"
~~~
On the edge of Ponyville, Yona and Sandbar sat at the Everfree Café, sipping tea. A shockwave rattled their teacups as something sharp spiked into Sandbar's young nose holes. "Whoa, Yona! Warn me first, girl!"
"Not Yona this time." Yona sniffed the air and nodded with approval. "Strong Yak smells. Great-granddam's Yak cheese! ... um, Sandbar?" Sandbar lay prone on the ground.
"Yona need pony medic!" she cried.
~~~
On the outskirts of town, in a rock cave that was Ponyville-adjacent, Maud Pie raised her head. "Possible seismic activity." sniff "Methane and sulphurous compounds. Hydrogen sulphide, methanethiol, dimethyl sulphide. Likely volcanic." Another big sniff. "Possibly organic." She chipped at a rock with her right front hoof. "Gross."
~~~
Spike, being a dragon, was immune to his sister's distress. And he thought it was hilarious.
"I can't believe you actually ate that thing!" he crowed, laughing. "Seriously, Twi! You sound like a tuba trying to mate with a pissed off trombone!" Twilight grimaced. When had she started letting him speak like that?
"Pinkie said it was safe, the ingredients were fresh, and it was so tasty..."
"No way! It's like a flatulent skunk stuffed with garlic crawled up inside of you and then died."
"Shut up, Spike, I'm in pain! Please, just go get that pink stuff from the human world." Twilight felt a sharp pain in her abdomen that heralded another atomic blast. "Ooooh...!"
"Yeah, yeah, sure, Princess Stinky. Wait, I got another one: it's like a diamond dog -"
"JUST GO!!"
~~~
The headline in the Foal Free Press read: "Breaking News & Breaking Winds!"
"A pervasive stench has invaded Ponyville that can't be stopped! Local farmers swear that they haven't been feeding the cows garlic again. Nopony knows what the whiff is going on! Mayor Mare has called a state of emergency. Schoolteacher Cheerilee has offered sanctuary for every Ponyville foal, but they all said that they'd rather die than go back to school. Filthy Rich has also offered shelter at Barnyard Bargains, now at a 50% discount! (Cash only, air conditioning fees may apply.) Mail service has been delayed until the emergency is over. Resident mailmare Ms. Hooves' has issued a statement saying that until her eyes recross, she won't be able to see straight enough to deliver the post. Local musician, conspiracy theorist, and self described human enthusiast Lyra B. Heartstrings has asked anypony with information on human digestive disorders to please contact her at 101 Candy Lane, and to ask for her directly and ignore the gorgeous but angry mare at the counter wearing a gas mask. In entertainment news, club owner DJ Pon-3 is having a stink-rave out in the mudfields, earplugs and clothespins provided. Renowned apple farmers Big Macintosh and Applejack issued a joint statement before fleeing to the apple-scented safety of the upper orchards, saying only: "Nnnope!" and "I buckin' warned her!"
~~~
At Canterlot Castle, Twilight Sparkle lay abed, incapacitated and moaning in her old quarters. Not her old studio, filled with lovely books and high ceilings, no. That she had given to Moondancer years ago. And those books were far too precious. These rooms were her quarters from when she was just a filly, right next to Princess Celestia's.
The aforementioned Princess was sitting with Twilight, who no longer felt like a princess so much as "a bloated mess of an upper goat colon." That was the term that Princess Luna had used to describe the state of her innards before Celestia had hurriedly ushered her out and locked the door.
It was like old times, when she was sick as a filly, except worse. So much worse.
Celestia looked at her poor apprentice, her sparkle-marked rump enclosed in a tight scent-proof shield. "I am so sorry, Twilight. I should have put that recipe book in the restricted section. Or at least warned Pinkie Pie about the complexities of the Alicorn digestive tract before lending her a copy."
"Uuughh... braaaap! It's okay, I guess."
"Fortunately, there have been no fatalities."
"That's good to knoooow brraaaapp! Sorry."
"It's alright, Twilight." Celestia subtly strengthened her shield as she caught a whiff of something deadly. "Spike is managing the poison control lines."
"Spike! Did he get that pepto stuff from the human world?" The look of desperation on Twilight's face was enough to break any parent. Celestia, steeled by millennia of royal service, forced herself to breathe evenly as she placed a cool damp cloth on her charge's forehead.
"I have Starlight Glimmer working on it right now. In the mean time, I have a solution for your effluvium."
"Oh, thank Celestia!"
"As well you should. Now get some rest, Twilight."
As Celestia cast her knock-out spell, Twilight Sparkle fell into a deep but uneasy and flatulent rest.
~~~
Clad in a rubber hazmat full-pony suit and gas mask, it was hard to read Starlight Glimmer's expression. "To the human world?!" she asked incredulously.
Spike nodded. "Yeah, that's what she said. You need to get her this pink potion. Peptide Bismarck. At least that's what I think she said..."
"Right. I'm on it!" Starlight leapt through the magic mirror, a mare on a mission.
Maybe some ice cream could get this taste out of her mouth?
~~~
In the castle hallway, Princesses Celestia and Luna conferred.
"I'd recommend Tartarus, Sister," said Luna.
Celestia was shocked. "That's awfully cold of you Luna! I thought you were better than this." She stamped a hoof in distress.
"Neigh, Sister. Just until this passes. There is a lovely little corner with few rodents... well, no rodents after they get a whiff of her, at least. She'll be safe, I swear!"
A snort from the elder sister left no room for doubt. "This is my protégé we are discussing, Luna. Do not test me on this."
"So what do you propose we do?" asked the Moon Princess.
Celestia pondered her options, then smiled. "I may have an idea that builds upon yours, little Sister. If you can keep her from stinking up the Dream Realm, I can open a portal to..."
~~~
Tartarus
"What in the sweet holy fu- TIREK?!"
"Wasn't me! Aargh, what new torture is this?! It smells like a dead muskrat fucked a rotten fish!"
"Wussies. I kind of like it. Reminds me of the hive, actually."
Author's Note
This fanfic is protected under the copyright laws of the Equestria, which means precisely fuck all. Country of first publication: Wouldn't you like to know? Any unauthorized exhibition, distribution, or copying of this fic or any part thereof may result in laughter, and is therefore endorsed by the Pink Horse Herself, even if Twilight thinks it's embarrassing.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious, thankfully. Any identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended and should be inferred, or else the author hasn't done their job right.
No person or entity associated with this fic received payment or anything of value, or entered into any agreement, in connection with the depiction of tobacco products, unless you count the bubble-pipe lobby, in which case, yes, they paid me, but I didn't put that in anyways, so... sucks to be you, pipers!
Oh, and Twilight was fine. She went on to rule Equestria from the bottom up.
