Chapters I know I should be thankful, but I just can not get it out of my head. It hurts. It hurts my head, causing longing headaches into the night. But brave face. A brave face is all that matters. If anypony finds out what I think, they will think less of me. Less of what they already think, at least. My sister believes they love me, but I don't think she's seen what I've seen, what they think about me.
Maybe she is right. Maybe they do like me. I know Apple Bloom likes me, but mostly because I helped her with her... nightmare. I will never say that word without thinking about my former self. Whenever I think about her, my... my brain just blanks. It's hard to know what I was like. When she left my body, she took the memories with her. Maybe the dark, hellish cloud that fills my brain is her, trying to take over once more.
In any case, I can't, and will never, remember what had happened during my imprisonment on the moon. Was it a fair punishment? Yes. I believe so. It weakened her, which helped Twilight and her friends defeat her. Will I ever tell anyone the truth? Maybe. I- I just can't figure out how. It's been 5 years, 2 months and 6 days since the day, yet I have never told anyone the truth. I overthink about how to explain it to Celestia, to anyone.
My sister seems to sense something is wrong about me. She tries to comfort me, but I want to be alone. I can't tell if she wants to genuinely help, or if she is afraid. I wouldn't blame her. After what I had become, I'm scared of myself. I hurt so many for no reason other than jealousy. It is not a valid excuse. It will never be, and if it does become one, then the world has gone to hell.
I get distracted so easily. I'm thankful for that, since it keeps my mind off of my dark thoughts. It always circles around at some point, but it usually isn't soon. At least, not as soon as tonight. Stupid brain, being as complex as it is. Sometimes I wish it didn't exist. Well, I could...
No, I won't think those thoughts. Cadence said I should get a therapist. It came out of the blue. It was subtle, but obvious enough that she knows what I am going through. I don't know how she knows. It could be because of her Love abilities, knowing if somepony is depressed and alone. She keeps sending me letters about how I should find somepony, even if it's just a friend.
"You could share your experiences with them," one of the letters said, no doubt trying to get me to talk about my feelings. I am never good with them. It just doesn't come naturally. The emotions come and go anyway. I can't talk about something that I can't remember, right?
I lay awake right now, unable to enter the dream realm. Typical. My thoughts distract me from going to sleep, like usual. My damn brain has finally calmed itself down, so I will be able to sleep soon. Finally. I've been getting less and less sleep each night. Overthinking is overwhelming.
"Hey, Luna. We need to talk," Celestia told me. I looked around in the empty hall. "What?" I groaned. "I need to get back to my duties." Celestia nodded in agreement and said, "Of course. However, we need to talk about you." I turned.
"Forget it."
Celestia pleaded. "Please Luna. I can tell you are not getting enough sleep."
"I'm fine."
"Luna, you need-
"I said I'm fine," I said firmly.
"Fine," Celestia sighed. "But promise me that you will ask for help when you need it. Asking for it doesn't ma-" I didn't hear the rest. I teleported out of there, contemplating on her words. I need help, I truly do. But I'm afraid to ask for it. And anyways, I'm a princess. I can't be talking about my feelings. If word got to the public, it would most certainly make them think I'm an incompetent leader.
I landed in the Canterlot Garden, the only place that I can actually feel peace. The calm chirping of the birds. The breeze barely there, cooling me down. The water wrapping around the bushes and trees. I am sure that anyone could come here and feel peace. Even Discord.
The thing is, it feels different than usual. I felt peaceful, but an underwhelming peace, as if it were taking a vacation. The little peace made me feel anxious. My body couldn't sit still. It felt like something bad was going to happen. I looked around, looking at the little flowers near the fountain. I walked over to the little stream that flowed into the pond where two swans were sleeping.
It looked like Celestia was installing a new plant. Probably an endangered one, like usual. Celestia has always been like that, trying to preserve the extinct plants. When we were little, she used to bring in flowers to put in pots. She used to bring in lavender plants to put in her room, then later in mine. She inspired me to put lavender in the castle to help ponies sleep.
I continued to think about past memories, though I could still feel the unpleasantness of the garden. It's all in my head I told myself. It didn't work all to well. I kept thinking of memories that I wasn't listening to what was happening around me. A rock fell, which caused me to stumble and trip. I landed where the hole was in the ground for the plant. I tried to pinpoint where the rock had fell, but it seemed like it came from every where, all at once.
I stood, groaning, as I dusted myself off. After I regained my balance, I decided to go sit on one of benches. Why this didn't occur to me sooner, I have absolutely no idea. Fucking brain, showing how damn stupid I am. It also seemed to be playing tricks on me, since I kept feeling a sharp pain on my shin. After a while, it started to hurt more, so I looked down.
I started to run towards the inside of the castle, using my magic to keep most of the blood from spilling out from the cut. They urgency of the situation was clouded by my thoughts. Celestia had to have been planting a new flower or some shit like that. How come she doesn't just skip a day?
One thought stood out the most, but I tried to push it down. I turned a corner to the medical room, almost all my focus on trying to get it bandaged. The nurse in the room must of heard me, since she poked her head out of the doorway. She got out of the way quickly just before I entered. She must've just helped somepony, as she had bandages out already. The look on the nurses face made me fearful for my leg. It's rare for me to get nervous about something like a wound, but today seemed to be a different day.
The thought kept trying to push its way to the top of my brain, but I resisted. The nurse sat me down, helping hold the blood. She got the bandages and walked them towards me. She began to wrap it around the injury.
"How did this happen?" she asked.
I responded. "I- I don't know. It just- appeared." But deep down, I was sure I knew. The shovel. I landed on that, but I didn't think I landed on it at an angle that could cut me, more of a bruise or something like that. I guess I was wrong. Just like I was with about almost everything since I turned into... her.
The nurse looked skeptical, but decided not to press on it. She finished wrapping. When I looked down, I saw the hint of blood poking through. I thought there was going to be more blood, and the nurse seemed to notice this.
"I casted a spell," she said, "that helps slow down bleeding. It will last 24 hours, which won't be enough time for it to start healing." The nurse walked over to the counter, putting the bandage on the shelf right above it. She handed me a note to help remind me to come shortly before the time was up.
I tried to stand, but the adrenaline had worn out. My leg felt weak, but I didn't fall. I tried to put weight on it, which was a struggle. "Try to stay off it," the nurse warned me. I nodded, but internally, I didn't want to. I needed to be with my subjects and-
I can't focus. She's right. If I don't, it could get even worse than it already is. Kind of like me. I chuckled at my own joke. I helped steer away the thought, too. However, it was starting to cloud my head, taking over ever bit of it my damn brain.
I thanked the nurse and teleported away, to my room. I needed to talk to Celestia about what happened. But, she would be worried. Plus, I need rest. Not just for my leg, but for my mind. I pulled the sheets over and got into the bed. It was comfortable, as always. But I wasn't thinking about that. Instead, the same thought was bouncing around.
Cut your arm next.
Author's Note
If you can relate to this, please seek therapy if you are not already. These are serious issues that deserve attention. People care for you. I hope you can find the help you need to live a happier life and not let your negative emotions take control and do something you will regret.
In other words, this writing is probably shit. If you want to help me make this a more realistic story, leave suggestions in the comments.
Arguements Only Go Downhill
Author's Note
This one is a bit short, I just wanted to get a chapter out. I was planning on making this 2 chapters, but it seems like it's going to be 3 chapters.
Arguements Only Go Downhill
It's been a little over 2 weeks. My mental health has declined significantly. My already limited social life is now down to Celestia, Cadance and Twilight. All because of that stupid cut. I found a way to relieve my stress: cutting myself. It seemed to work when I first did it, under my forearm, but the sensation quickly faded.
I tried to stop, but now it's just an addiction. It feels good when you're in the moment, but then you start to question your life choices, which quickly spirals out of control. It fuels the stress, causing to cut yourself more. You do it over and over again, hoping it will stop. It's a cycle that, deep down, you know will never stop.
At least the cut healed
I stopped going out of my room, except for the occasional meeting that could have easily just been a letter. I have to put on them damn brave face, even if I don't feel it. It seems to work, since I keep getting asked questions that I don't have the energy to answer.
My sleep schedule is nonexistent. I go to bed, lay there for a decent amount of time, and then fall asleep. Of course, I don't get much sleep. The nightmare I gave myself has started to get worse and worse, clinging on every negative thoughts I have and amplifying them. It wakes me up earlier each night till the point that I barely get an hours worth of sleep. I wake up panting each time. I usually go to the library, just so I have something to do.
I found a book that talks about wing-binding, the history of when it first happened. I just so happened to be banished at the time. It talked about how the spell evolved over time, how to counter-spell it, how long it usually takes for the spell to wear out. It interested me to the point it was the only thing that took my mind of my thoughts.
One night, when I was walking to the library, I ran into somepony.
"Oh, sorry," I apologized.
"It's fi- wait, Luna?" the pony asked. I knew instantly who it.
"Sister? What are you doing up?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing."
"I, uh." I tried to think of an excuse, but nothing was forming.
Celestia shook her head. "How long have you been awake for?" I backed up. "Um, well, you see, I-" I turned back and ran to my room. Celestia followed me, trying to be quiet. "Luna!" I made it into my room and locked the door, right before Celestia got to it. I panted hard, the running taking the air from me as I tried desperately for more air.
"Luna," Celestia started slowly, "Please, can we talk?" No I thought You wouldn't understand. Despite the thoughts, I slowly unlocked and opened the door, seeing the face of concern on my sister. "Can I come in?" I nodded. The door opened wider as she walked in.
"Are you alright?" she asked. "You don't look like you've had much to eat, or drink."
"Ye- Yeah, I- I'm fine."
"Luna, you know that's not true. I know that's not true."
I muttered under my breathe "Like you would know."
"What was that?" Celestia questioned.
"Like you would know," I repeated, louder.
Celestia, being as stupid as possible, said, "You're right. I don't know, only because you won't tell me."
"Oh, so now I did something wrong again." I was already getting frustrated. "Everything I do is wrong. You do nothing wrong."
"Luna, that's not what I me-"
"No, it is my fault. Everything is my fault. All I've done was wrong. I do nothing right. I can't do nothing right because I'm the younger child, always trying to live up to my sister. You were the perfect child to mom and dad. First to become an alicorn, first to raise the sun all by yourself. What did I get? The moon. The fucking moon." I started to get louder, "I always get the small things. You do something amazing, you get praised and anything you wanted. I do something amazing and you get praised for helping me, even if I did it all by myself.
"Then I tried to bring eternal night and you banished more for 1000 years without even trying to talk about it. You didn't do it then, why are you doing it now? Afraid I'll become Nightmare Moon again? Damn it Celestia, I scare you. You are afraid of me. Afraid of what I may do to your precious castle that you built all on your own. Did you ever think about what would happen if I came back to the light, or did you not even think about that? I was jealous, I still am. You're perfe-"
"I'm not even close to perfect," she said softly. "I- I'm sorry, Luna. I never knew you were thinking of all this. I want to help. Please let me help you now. You redeemed yourself already, yet I have not."
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" I screamed at her.
Celestia nodded, "Very well." She walked out the door, turning back to tell me, "Be angry, Luna. You deserve it. I love you."
I laid on my bed, crying into the pillow. I always jump to conclusions and I always hate myself for it. Thank goodness I put that silence spell in my room. Everypony would be awake right now if I hadn't. The one thing that I've actually done right.
You are worthless.
No one actually loves you.
No one cares.
Quit being a whiny bitch.
The thoughts only made scream more. I needed to find a way to end the thoughts in my mind. They annoy me since I know they are lying. Yet, it feels like the truth. It feels like if I listen to my own thoughts to closely, I could do something worse than I already have, just because I was convinced it was the truth.
I looked out the window to see a little clouds in the sky. The morning was soon, I might as well take a quick fly. It will take my mind off of... well my mind. I opened the window and took off towards the dark.
30 minutes in, and my thoughts haven't showed a single sign of stopping. I flew over Canterlot about 3 times already, so I went out a little farther from the city walls, into the forest. It's beautiful at night. Most of the time, at least. Tonight, I don't feel the same way about it. It just looks dead. Dark. Fear-ridden. It doesn't want to invite me in, like I'm some sort of disease. Regardless of the feeling about it, I swooped down towards the ground, slowly transitioning to a walk. The dark trees seemed to take me hostage as I entered the forest.
The trees sheltered me away from the rest of the world as I continued through the forest. The little pebbles did nothing to effect my thoughts. I didn't even bother lighting my horn up.
You...
Stop. Shut up. I'm not letting that creep into my head. The thought has drained at me for weeks, ever since the cut. I had to stop and drop my head down. I let it pass, then resumed walking. Trees and rocks passed. Bushes with berries stained the ground. At least, I think they're berries...
I decided not to think about it. I already had too much on my mind anyways. Fortunately, the question did stop asking. Unfortunately, it cost me something valuable. Knowledge. Insight of the future. Surprisingly, the forest felt more comforting now. I can't explain how, but I felt as if some sort of concern was finally relieved. It felt more peaceful, as if waiting for something. When the forest feels this peaceful, you yourself have to feel better about whatever your feeling. It was a soothing feeling, as if I was what it was waiting on, seeing what I was going to do.
The sun started to rise up, puncturing the darkness. My time to leave, it seems. Yet... I didn't want to. I decided to fly up toward a cloud, not too big, not too small, just enough to fit myself onto it. It held me perfectly. Most don't know this, but when a Pegasus or Alicorn is picking their cloud, they have to make sure that it's dense enough to hold them so they don't fall through. Foals don't have a problem with this, as they're not heavy enough to fall through any cloud.
I remember when Twilight Sparkle got her wings. She went to go stand on a cloud that wasn't stable enough and fell straight though the cloud. Her reasoning was because when she casted the spell for her and her friends to go watch the Best Young Fliers Competition, they could walk on the clouds just fine. What she didn't know was that Cloudsdale had to find all the clouds that could hold them. Apparently, Unicorns and Earth ponies aren't taught that Pegasi have to make sure a cloud is able to hold them and how the need the clouds to make their floating cities.
Anyways, the cloud felt soft, as most do. Some don't, but that's another topic for another day. I closed my eyes, smelling the pine from the trees below. The light slowly lit up my cloud in its orange color, only for the back side to be dark. Resembles me and Celestia, just a little bit. Celestia rising the sun to take care of my night. I'll do it at night. We may both rule over Equestria, yet we rule over two very different kingdoms. Of course, here light is much more popular to work and play in, while mine is used to sleep in.
Classic Celestia, being the more popular. It hurts me. Make me feel less about myself. It gets to the point where sometimes I contemplate about leaving. I obviously would still have to raise the moon, just, I'd have to do it alone. I think that would make me feel better, not having to think about anything else other than raising the moon.
And feeding myself.
And protecting myself.
Other than that, it's pretty easy to live away from civilization. Something about it just feels right. But... I can't be selfish like that. Ponies need me, barely, anyways. The only thing they need from me is to protect them from their nightmares, which I can technically do from anywhere. Whatever, I'm not leaving. I need to stay here. Celestia would come find me if I left anyways, and then Equestria would be without a ruler.
Wait. Shit. I'm forgetting something. I need to be doing something right now, just... what? I looked at the sunrise, hoping it would remind me of what I'm missing. I turned back towards Canterlot, trying to find the problem. Over the tops of the houses, I noticed the big, gray ball in the sky. Damn it I thought to myself. I quickly stood up from my cloud and started to lower the moon. I concentrated, since it's it a really heavy thing. I felt something change about my body, but I decided to ignore it. It lowered slowly, yet just a little faster the sun rising to catch up on missed time.
The moon was getting lower in the sky, barely touching the horizon, when the sun felt brighter than usual. It's never happened before. I started wondering what in hell Celestia was doing. This isn't normal for her, and that is saying something. In any case, the light kept getting into my eyes, distracting me.
CRACK!
I looked down quickly, to see what just happened. I saw nothing. Absolutely nothing that could cause that loud of a sound. I don't know why, but that broke me. I have no explanation. I just, cried out, cried as if nothing else in world mattered. I stopped lowering the moon and sat down to cry into the sunrise. I thought of everything that's happened in my life. Being young, playing with Celestia, the start of our rule of Equestria, my betrayal against Equestria, Twilight and her friends saving me. Every memory played rapidly in my head. I cried out to the world with no pony to hear. Maybe that's why I broke. I needed help now, I knew it, but now I'm not near anypony that could listen to me.
I... I couldn't stand it. I knew why my body felt like it changed. It's because it did. When I was lowering the moon, I must've subconsciously casted the spell to bind my wings. My mind took control.
No pony likes you...
No pony will even notice if you're gone...
Just end it. No pony with care...
And... I acted on these thoughts. I looked down, towards the forest. I took one step forward. Then I fell. Fell so long to regret it. I couldn't do anything then. It was too late. My hoof hit the ground, sending pain straight to my head. Yet, I didn't even get to process it. Everything went black. Nothing.
My time had come.
Author's Note
Hello anyone who is reading this. I just want to say that if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts that you should not act on them. People love you, do care for and are willing to fight for your life if you can't yourself. I want anyone in the comments to help someone who is struggling with these thoughts, just talk to them. You don't have to be a therapist, you just need to be willing to listen to their thoughts. It can save lives.
This story is dedicated to the family of a girl who recently took her own life from my sister's school. They may not know me, nor anything about this story, but it is still dedicated to them. I couldn't imagine what they had to go through when she ended up on the thoughts that she should kill herself.
If you need to talk, feel free to talk to me.
