Under Most Circumstances, I Would Name a Chapter After the Story Itself or Have It Be Indicative of the Chapter’s Contents. This Time, I Will Instead Leave You With This: My Butt Itches.
“Can you pass me the yellow?”
“Sure.”
Button Mash’s mother (also known as Cream Heart) slides a small bottle of yellow paint across her dining room table towards Anon before directing her attention towards the unfinished painting resting on the table in front of her.
“Why are we painting, again?”
“To give us something to do as we converse.”
“But why do we have to converse?”
“Because the conversation is the focus of the story.”
“Then why bother with the painting at all?”
“Because having the story be only dialogue would feel awkward?”
“So?”
“Good point, let’s drop the painting concept entirely.”
“So, what are we supposed to discuss?”
“I’m not sure. Trying to create a plot about the two of us is a bit challenging.”
“How so? It’s been done with so many others.”
“True, but a writer needs an idea before they can have a plot. You’ve been proving to be a challenge.”
“Why is that?”
“Not sure. You’re largely just used for porn anymore, which most definitely isn’t what our writer is going for.”
“I wonder why. It’s not like my design is all that special.”
“MILFs are in, didn’t you know? Nothing wrong with that.”
“I appreciate the compliment implied by the ILF in MILF, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with that.”
“That’s the internet for you.”
“Do you want to have sex with me?”
“That’s neither here nor there. Besides, we’d need to build up to that. Show our chemistry, how we interact, that sort of thing. Jumping right into it would be a tad boring, but that’s assuming our writer wants to write that stuff anyway.”
“Which he doesn’t.”
“Precisely.”
“And it’s because we’re having this discussion that this fic requires the ‘Sex’ tag?”
“And a T rating!”
“Well, if it’s already got a T rating, why not add a few more of those tags?”
“Sure. Pass me the rum and I’ll say fuck. Now we’ve got the ‘Narcotics’ and ‘Profanity’ tags.”
“Lovely. By the way, why does it have the ‘Romance’ tag?”
“To increase the effectiveness of the ‘Comedy’ tag when the reader realizes that the romance isn’t between you and I, but between myself and Sugar Belle.”
“Isn’t she married to Big Mac?”
“It’s a fanfic, we can ignore that part.”
“Oh. Neat. But she hasn’t even appeared in this story yet, let alone had a romantic interaction with you.”
“Don’t worry, the story will end with her entering this room and telling me it’s time to leave. We’ll kiss and then be on our way and the story will have a really anticlimactic ending. This is not a joke, this is a promise.”
“Is that really enough romance to justify the tag?”
“I mean, that’s how a lot of slow-burn romance stories go, isn’t it?”
“I guess so?”
“As for the ‘Comedy’ and ‘Random’ tags, I think those are self-explanatory.”
“And what about the ‘Self Insert’ tag, Anon? Aren’t you Anon and not a true self insert?”
“In this particular scenario, I am both. I am Anon, as you just referred to me as such. I am a self insert because I am a thinly veiled mouthpiece for the author.”
“Wait. Am I not also doing the same thing?”
“Indeed you are, Button Mash’s mother (also known as Cream Heart)! So who is the real self insert here, hmmmmmmm?”
“Is not every character in every story a self insert, then?”
“Elaborate.”
“No character in any story speaks on their own. That’s what makes them a character. Their words are created for them by their writers. To that extent, does not every author leave a piece of themselves in the characters they write?”
“Yes, but that does not constitute a self insert. There’s a barrier between a character and the writer that is understood by all, but is respected in silent agreement by everyone who consumes media. The reader knows on some level that this story isn’t really happening, but it’s up to the writer to maintain the image that it is. That’s where suspension of disbelief comes in.”
“You’re saying this like it’s groundbreaking information, and all you’re succeeding in doing is sounding like you think your audience didn’t already know that.”
“And by referring to the audience as ‘my audience’ in this story, I have shattered the fourth wall. There is no belief that this story could possibly be happening, it’s just a bunch of words that might or might not be mildly entertaining for whatever amount of time it takes for a given reader to read them.”
“Then why bother writing them in the first place?”
“Because just the possibility that a reader is entertained by it is good enough for me. Besides, I enjoyed writing it. I’m the funniest person I know.”
“How humble.”
“That, too, was a joke.”
“Sarcasm is difficult to convey without you, as the author, pointing it out. You could at least use context clues or body language to convey that sarcasm. Ever heard of ‘show, don’t tell?’”
“Of course I have, but the removal of body language and any deeper effort than basic dialogue would break the structure of this story, which we’ve established following the third paragraph.”
“Isn’t that structure going to crumble once Sugar Belle enters the picture anyway?”
“Yes.”
“...And?”
“And what?”
“Never mind. This is giving me a headache.”
“Sounds like a good time to conclude, then.”
At that moment, both Anon and Button Mash’s mother (also known as Cream Heart) turn towards the front door of the house. As if on cue, there are three gentle knocks followed by the sound of the door gently creaking open.
“Anon? I’m here to pick you up.”
“Hello, Sugar Belle! How lovely it is to see you! And may I just say… I love you with all of my heart.”
“Wh-what’s this all of a sudden?”
“I, Anon, the character in this story, legitimately love you and enjoy being in your presence.”
“Oh! Well, I, Sugar Belle, another character in this story, legitimately love you and enjoy being in your presence as well!”
“Come, let us embrace and share a kiss to justify the ‘Romance’ tag.”
Anon scoops up Sugar Belle into his arms before pressing his lips against hers, both moaning softly as they enjoy the romantic gesture. Mid-kiss, they walk out the door.
Author's Note
I refuse to leave my usual author's note on this story. I don't deserve it.
