CH 3: Next step.

“Questions are the answer to ignorance.”

-Cade

“Cade… I need you to answer my next question truthfully.” The Princess’s tone is dead serious, completely devoid of any emotion. A stoneface decades in the making, it sends a shiver up my spine

“Do Humans get into fights… often?” And she immediately undermines that aforementioned impregnable poker face with a super dumb fucking question, I mean, how could you not know that people fight alot!

That’s like asking if- if air is important to stay alive! Like, yeah! fucking DUH!

…

Wait…

If she doesn’t know the most basic of common knowledge about the Wasteland, that has to mean…

I’m not in the Wasteland!

I mean, maybe I should’a guessed with all the crayon horses walking around.

But… Why would she care if the humans are violent, if one of her soldiers tried to kill me right out the gate?

She must be trying to sell an image. Trying to make me think her people aren’t murdering psychopaths, attempting to convince me she’s some sort of ‘perfect goddess’ who long since established an entirely peaceful nation. A clever ruse. Well, two can play it that game.

“-Ahem- oh no, no! Of course not! That was the first time I've ever been in a fight! I imagine that poor lady feels down-right horrible about the whole situation right now!” That’s not… entirely a lie, I imagine that cunt feels very ‘horrible’ with the bullet hole in her chest.

And, yet, it seems to convince Princess Celestia as she visibly relaxes at my complete fabrication of events, I’m not surprised she bought the story, I’ve had years to practice that ‘innocent vault dweller’ look after all. The pip-boy and utility jumpsuit really help, I think.

“That takes a great deal of stress off my shoulders. The land of Equestria is an incredibly peaceful place, and if you were to have come from a… less than polite society it would make it much harder to properly
Introduce you to the populace.” A small smile gracing The Princess’s… muzzle, I guess?

God, she’s really tryharding this ‘benevolent ruler’ act.

“While we’re on the topic, what is the name of your homelands? Knowing where you're from will help us tremendously in locating your home so you may return.”

Shit.

Shit!

SHIT!

I didn’t think that far ahead! Alright, got to think fast.

“The…” Okay, good start.

“Republic…” Great, that already sounds like a country.

“Of…” I didn’t think this far, Republic of what?! Fuck she’s looking at me now, I gotta come up with something quick! Anything! Just say the first thing that comes to mind!

“Dave!”

…

Really?

“The republic of… Dave?” Celestia parrots, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“Yep!” Might as well stick with it now, I mean what’s she gonna do if she finds out I’m lying? Shoot me?

Well she is royalty, so she could probably have me…

Shize.

“I… can’t say I’ve ever heard of such a place,” Celestia starts slowly.

“Yeah well… it’s not very big, and it’s like, REALLY far away.” Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it.

“I see… this, ‘Republic of Dave’ wouldn't happen to be to the far West would it?”

“Oh yeah YEAH, it’s like WAY far west. Why?” Nice improv Me..

“Well. Most of the immediate west is still fairly undiscovered, if the ‘republic’ you hail from is as far away as you claim, it would explain why we have yet to hear of it. And, in turn it explains how we have yet to discover your species at all.” Celestia explains carefully, her voice soft with sympathy.

“Ah, well that’s… unfortunate.” I state neutrally.

“Indeed, and with this in mind, I must inform you that it will take quite some time to locate your home.”

“How long exactly?” I ask.

“Well, it’s difficult to put an exact number on such a grand undertaking, but being generous I would say at minimum… a few years.” As The Princess looks me straight in the eye, I can’t help but stare into the absolute sorrow in her large pink eyes.

Hm, must have taken quite a lot of theater class to get that good.

“I see. Well Princess, I hate to be rude, but you don’t plan on keeping me in this room until my home is found do you?”

“NO- -ahem-... Of course not.” She summons a large silver key with her… yellow glow, what is that shit? Some sort of advanced pre-war tech? How the fuck can they levitate crap, but they can’t find the Wasteland? Fucking dumbass horses.

“While in any other circumstance I would gladly allow you to stay in the castle… I’m afraid that I’m simply much too busy with preparation for this year's summer sun celebration, But, do not worry, I have no plans of simply leaving you to fend for yourself. Come, let us have a discussion with my faithful student Twilight.” The Princess inserts the key into each of my cuffs, one after the other. Unlocking them and allowing me to stand up, I follow her out of the room.

Stepping out into the hallway we’re met with the trio The Princess had banished from the room.

“Princess! Are you finally done talking with the creature? I was still hoping to discuss my trip…” The purple pony (that one's Twilight right?) trails off as she spots me stepping out just behind The Princess.

“That’s actually what we have come out here to discuss. You see, I do not have the ability to house Cade in the castle at this time. Fortunately, I have you, in addition to your task to manage the preparations of the summer sun celebration, and make friends, I am also giving you the responsibility of learning more about Cade’s homeland, and making him feel welcome in Equestria.”

That… sounds like a lot, like; ‘go make friends. Manage the set up of an entire festival. Oh, and learn all about this weird thing we found in the garden’.

You know what I think? I think she’s trying to keep her busy. Like she wants to keep her from having free time, but of course she isn’t gonna just say that, got to keep up that ‘kind mentor’ act.

“I-I… I…” Poor purple pony, can’t even muster up a word. She looks like she’s about to pass out, just looking ahead at the wall with a thousand yard stare.

“Princess?” A new voice speaks up.

No… not a new voice, that’s the guard that fuckin shot me!

“I don’t mean to doubt your judgment, but wouldn’t it be a little… reckless, to let the creature out with your student… unattended?” She asks, her gruff voice grading against my ears as she drags out the words.

“Ah, yes. I almost forgot, I am assigning Sergeant Blazing Strike as your personal escort to make sure you are safe while you are away.” Celestia adds. As if she hadn’t been asked anything. Wait, who’s Sergeant Blazing Strike

“W-wait! I didn’t mean me!” The gravel voiced guard answers.

Well fuck.