Lucky Number Seven

by Professional Expert

Rating: mature
Tags: Drama, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Changelings, Sex, Fallout, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Crossover, Death, Human, Narcotics
Length: 4396

The end of a raider, the beginning of a story.

Long after the end of the world, a common thug finds himself at the end of a bad deal, and an even worse fate, yet, instead of saying his prayers, he finds himself in an alien world, devoid of the cruelty and violence he knows so well.

Lost and alone, he strikes an unlikely alliance with a group of the planet's inhabitants, and sets off to find out the truth behind his bizarre twist of fate.

But, what will happen to our unlikely protagonist along the way? Will he thrive? Will he make new friends? Will he perhaps even… find love?

Find out in Astoundingly Awesome tales, issue #17: Ballad of a raider!

Published 2024-03-08 04:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-07 18:37:39 UTC

Chapter 1 - Hubris

CH 1: Out of the frying pan.

“Hell yeah! Finally scored some drugs, time to get fu- ACK.”

-Cade

Motherfucker.

I was SO close to that chem stash I could literally taste it! But that bitch just had to survive that shot to the chest long enough to nail a good one through my collar. Being shot through the neck sucks by the way, you just lay there bleeding out, gasping for breath and drowning in your own blood, would not recommend.

That said, lying there staring at the ground as I bled out gave me a pretty good eye full of my surroundings, enough to know that they had changed drastically while I was…

While I was what? Unconscious? No one cares enough to drag me out of that place and patch me up, not to mention how difficult it would be to save me from a shot like that. So how am I conscious right now?

I’m spurred from my thoughts by the slightly sour sweet smell of disinfectant hitting my nose and decide the best course of action right now is to take a look around.

In front of me is a small room, its clean white walls and the single large window to my left implies a hospital room of some kind, that theory is further supported by the unmistakable beeping of a heart monitor to my right. Opposite me is an ornate wooden door with a small window running down the middle, through which I can barely see through.

I attempt to get up to get a better look when I realize my body is bound under thick leather straps.

Shit…

Well that explains it, there’s only one fucker demented enough to patch me up just to strap me down so he can torture me later;

Dr Nosh, professional creepy bastard.

It all comes together in my head, that zombie had dragged me out of a pool of my own blood and brought me back from death's door, just so he can watch the light fade from my eyes.

Him and the rest of those twisted bums I used to hang with.

I have to get out of here, fast. I struggle against my restraints, I feel them loosen slightly when I pull in certain directions, which means they’re not very tight.

Perfect, it doesn’t take long for me to slip a foot out, soon the other, and slide down and out of the one around my chest, finally I remove the small pad taped to the underside of my wrist, and turn off that infernal fucking heart monitor.

New problem, I don’t see my stuff, all I have is my jumpsuit and pip-boy.

That's… fine, wouldn’t have lived this long if I didn’t know how to improvise.

First I get to rummaging through the cabinets around my room, that nets me an empty syringe, and a clipboard that looks like it was scribbled all over by a two year old, consisting entirely of basic pictures.

I knew Nosh was messed up in the head, but Christ… probably shouldn’t have expected much from a sadistic cannibal though.

Now that I'm armed with something vaguely lethal I make my way to the door, peering out of the window I can barely make out shapes walking by through the smoked glass.

Okay, this is a tough spot, but I've made it out of worse.

At least that's what I tell myself as I wait for the figures outside to disappear. After a little bit more waiting just to make sure, I carefully open the door and peek into the hallway, which to my relief, is empty, so I carefully slip out into the corridor.

I’m met with lavender colored stone walls, lined with ornate tapestries, large windows, fancy light fixtures, and pillars that reached up to the roof.

Am I… in a castle?

I have little time to ponder the question as I am startled by shouting from my left.

“Hey you! Stay right where you are!” The voice, while gruff, is notably feminine.

I don’t even look to its source as I turn and bolt in the opposite direction.

I’m painfully aware of the clanking footsteps trailing just behind me as I move, by the sound of it there’s roughly ten of them.

Crap, I don’t think I can win that fight, thankfully I have a head start, as long as I keep my distance I should be alright.

That proves to be false as I watch a ball of reddish-pink energy fly past my head.

From the roughly spherical look of that blast, as well as its somewhat slow speed I’d wager some sort of plasma. I’m starting to think this isn’t my old gang anymore, but if that's true, then who did bring me here, and… why?

“Please stop running! We don’t want to hurt you!” That same voice from before yells, sounding much more agitated, (and a little out of breath). Like hell, it doesn't matter if I know them or not, if you wake up strapped to a table you’re probably not there for a friendly chat.

As if to advocate my point, I am nearly hit by another shot from behind, yeah very peaceful.

I take another right turn, nearly avoiding bashing into a… tiny horse, weird, I don’t get a good look at it though, maybe it was just a mutated guard dog or something.

Then I pass a second, and a third, soon I'm running through a crowd of miniature horses, and they’re not even normal ponies, their eyes are too big, and they’re all in rainbow colors.

Maybe I got to those chems after all, there’s no shot this is real right? It’s like the longer I’m here the less I learn about the place. Like really? Where am I? Why am I in a castle filled with tiny technicolor equines?

I push the thought out of my mind as I push through the sea of four-legged bodies, it’s better to focus on the whole running for my life thing, I can ponder reality later.

As I take another corner I come face to face with a new weirder thing, this one is big, roughly my height, with weird flowing transparent hair, a horn (because why not), and… a crown, like a proper royal crown, with a large purple gem inset in the middle and everything.

I stare at her, and she (at least I think it’s a she) stares at me, the last thing I see is her opening her mouth before I feel a strange tingle enveloping my head, and everything goes black.

Chapter 2 - Discovery

CH 2: A mystery in blue.

“WHAT?!”

-Twilight Sparkle

I awoke this morning expecting to have a nice day reading in the park. Said nice day was promptly interrupted by my discovery of a prophecy that predicted the return of Nightmare Moon, a figure of ancient history that sought to usher an eternal night across the land.

Upon sending a letter to my teacher, Princess Celestia, to inform her of this possible danger to Equestria, she simply wrote back to me to “Stop reading those dusty old books!” Unbelievable!

For the princess to so brazenly brush off what could very likely be the biggest threat to Equestria in a thousand years is absurd!

What’s worse is that she has also arranged for me to go to the small town of Ponyville to oversee the preparations of this year's summer sun celebration and “go make some friends”.

I know I have to convince her to change her mind, so I prepare my things, and along with my trusty assistant Spike, I take off to Canterlot castle.

Which brings me to the present moment, where the royal guards are leading me to Princess Celestia to speak about the dire situation.

“Twilight, are you sure this is really worth the trouble? The Princess seems pretty busy today, and she already has things all set up for us to go.” Spike’s voice spurs a moment of doubt about my actions, but after a bit of mental reaffirmation, I am more sure than ever of our purpose here.

“Yes Spike, this is worth the ‘trouble’. Nightmare Moon's return may be inevitable if I can’t find a way to stop her, which I can’t do if I’m off in Ponyville ‘making friends’.” I snip maybe a bit harsher than I intend.

It’s then that we finally reach the grand doors to the throne room, which open as we step forward allowing us entry to the magnificent ornate chamber in which The Princess awaits.

My eyes first trail along the spotless marble floor, no doubt polished to a shine by the castle staff.

As I trot through the throne room I am bathed in the light pouring through the towering stained glass windows, drawing my gaze to their artistic renditions of scenic beauty, meadows, flowers and the glorious sun, intermittently interrupted by large stone pillars that reach to the ceiling.

I’ve seen it countless times, yet it never fails to instill a sense of awe and wonder, a feeling which pales in comparison to the centerpiece of the room itself.

Princess Celestia sits atop her golden throne, her warm smile beaming down in tandem with her glittering ethereal mane as my draconic assistant and I lower ourselves in a bow.

“My my, I wasn’t expecting to see you again for a fair few days, to what do I owe the pleasure my faithful student?” Her voice calm, smooth and soft like fresh honey, carries a hint of mirth that implies she knows more than she’s letting on.

I take a moment to raise myself, clear my throat, and organize my thoughts. Finally I speak.

“Princess, I have come here today to humbly request you rethink your decision to send me to Ponyville”

The Princess’s eyes look me over for a long moment, before her lips pull down into a mocking, over exaggerated frown.

“Is that why you’re here today? And here I hoped you had come to give me a goodbye hug!” Her voice takes on a comically over the top sadness, as if I just told her she wouldn’t get a puppy for her birthday.

“Princess, please! This is serious!” I object, feeling my cheeks flush in embarrassment at her teasing.

“Twilight, I understand that you're concerned, but I assure you, that the tale of Nightmare Moon is nothing but an old mare's tale. Now, perhaps you would like some tea?” She drops her act of sadness, her face morphing into a more natural pleasant smile as she summons a tea set with her magic.

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, how can The Princess be SO quick to brush off my concerns like that!

I have to change her mind, the fate of Equestria’s at stake here!

“Princess Celestia please—”

I am interrupted by the sound of the throne room doors swinging open. I throw my head over my shoulder in irritation, to glare daggers at whoever has intruded on what may be THE most important discussion in history!

The source of the disruption is a singular unicorn gaurdsmare standing alone in the entrance way, who swiftly approaches the base of the Princess’s throne and bows.

“Your Highness, I have urgent news!” The mare’s voice is gruff and gravely, nearly as grating as her presence, although matching quite well thematically with the long healed scars that are poorly hidden underneath her grayish, off-white fur.

“Please make it quick Sergeant, I am currently entertaining company.” Princess Celestia requests, banishing the tea from whence it came with a quick flash from her horn.

The newcomer looks to me with wary eyes, before turning back to Princess Celestia.

“The creature is awake…”

Wait, what? Creature? What creature?! I turn to the princess, hoping for an answer. I am instead met with silence.

“Bring me to him immediately” she commands, her jovial tone has disappeared entirely, along with her signature soft smile. In its place is the steadfast mask of Princess Celestia; sole ruler of Equestria, and monarch of the sun.

There goes my chance to change her mind.

With only a nod of affirmation from the guard, she stands from her seat and makes for the grand throne room doors.

With the only other option being to sit and mope, I quickly fall in behind her.

***

I find myself in a part of the castle that I barely recognize.

The soft lavender walls have been traded for cold sharp gray, and in place of natural light let in through the large stained glass windows, the narrow hallway is instead lit by the dim, licking flames of sparsely placed torches.

I can feel the icy stares of the guards as we pass, each and every one stands with purpose, waiting for any call to action.

The lack of conversation should have festered into awkward silence, but instead the air is filled with the constant shuffling and whispered voices of ponies held securely behind solid steel bars.

We are in the Canterlot dungeon.

“This one here.” the guard grunts, stopping and opening a thick metal door, allowing The Princess to enter first.

Finally, I only hope that whatever interrupted my conversation with Princess Celestia doesn’t take too long.

Spike and I enter into the large cell next, followed by the guard, who, after nodding for the guard inside to leave, closes the heavy slab of metal behind us with an eardrum blowing -BLAM- before taking a post just beside it.

I quickly find my place next to The Princess standing at a large oak table, across from us sits…

What in Tartarus is that thing?! It looks reminiscent of a Minotaur, or maybe a Diamond Dog, with its lack of hooves and all, but its body is completely differently proportioned, and it’s tall, even sitting it’s a rough hoofstep and a half taller than me!

Its electric blue eyes look between The Princess and myself as it takes a long moment to study us. I can see the curiosity behind them, an intelligent, calculating gaze. There is no doubt in my mind that this creature is sentient.

The sound of rattling echoes throughout the spacious room as the creature leans back in its seat, disturbing the chains binding it to the table by a pair of heavy metal shackles around its forearms.

One cuff was placed much higher than the other, nearly reaching its elbow, to account for a strange grayish- brown device it wore just below the wrist, maybe a watch of some kind? It seems so needlessly bulky though.

“Greetings, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. Can you understand me?”

The only response Princess Celestia gets is a small nod from the creature.

So, this creature understands Common! With every new piece of data my mind runs wild with new questions. If it can understand our spoken language, it must be aware of Pony kind, right? So how have I never heard of something like it before?

“Can you speak?” The Princess prods, leaving a still silence in the air as I stare intently at the creature across from me, waiting with baited breath for an answer I hope is in the affirmative.

“I can.” The voice is undoubtedly male, slightly groggy, as if he just awoke from a nap. Didn’t the guardsmare mention something about that? That’s not important right now, what's important is the fact this creature not only understands, but speaks Common, which means he’ll be able to answer questions!

“I see, then I must ask if there’s anything you would like to know before we continue.” The Princess uses her telekinesis to grab a clipboard from the table, flipping it to a new page before grabbing a nearby quill and dipping it in a pot of fresh ink.

“Yeah, what's with the gecko?” he asks, pointing with one of his strange blunt claws to Spike, who shuffles behind me, eyes wide with fear.

“That is Spike, he is a dragon. He is also the assistant to my faithful student Twilight Sparkle.”

“Alright one more question, where exactly was I when you found me?” He inquires, his eyes shifting to the quill scribbling away in The Princess’s magical grip.

“The staff found you unconscious in the palace garden. You were then moved to the castle’s medical wing and looked over for injuries.” Princess Celestia explains.

“That's all I needed to know.” His face contorts into a look of frustration, I can’t fathom why though, The Princess gave a pretty clear answer and then some.

“Then perhaps a question of my own then? Can you tell me your name?” The Princess inquirer, her voice soft and motherly as she patiently awaits his answer.

“Oh, yeah probably shoulda started with that. You can call me Cade.” His introduction is concise, and leaves the only noise in the room to be the scratching of The Princess’s quill on paper.

“It is lovely to make your acquaintance Cade, now can you tell me what species you hail from? In all my years I have never seen a creature of your likeness before.” The Princess continues, taking a moment to stop writing to give Cade her full attention.

“I’m a human, Homo-sapien if you want to get scientific.” Cade punctuates his statement with a casual wave of his hand, before cringing and putting it back down at the loud rattling of his restraints.

So, his species have given themselves a scientific name? Was there a reason for this, perhaps these ‘humans’ have subspecies, incentivizing a need for specification to tell them apart?

“What is the last thing you remember before waking up in the clinic?” And yet, The Princess ignores any and all possible implications of his words. I can’t help but think back to my reason for being here in the first place as she once again skips past something so vital for an idle chat. I don’t doubt my teacher, but I can’t help wondering why her priorities have become so skewed.

“Someone… had something that belonged to me, when I confronted them about it, they attacked me. I guess I passed out from blood loss because the next thing I knew I was tied to that bed listening to the beep of a heart monitor.” Cade’s expression falls as he recounts the events that led him to the medical wing.

“You were in a fight?” Princess Celestia inquiries, leaning in curiously.

“Yeah, I woulda won too. But, I guess some people just can’t fight fair.”

“Do you get into fights often?” The Princess probes farther, putting the clipboard and quill down entirely and leaning in slightly closer.

“That I do.” Cade’s face splits into a large, proud grin, prominently showing off a pair of canines at the front of his mouth. I can’t help the lump that forms in my throat as I stare at his display.

“I see. Sergeant, could you please escort my student and her assistant out of the room? I would like to speak to our guest in private for a moment.” The Princess’s tone leaves no room for argument as Spike and myself wordlessly follow the unicorn mare out into the hallway.

Chapter 3 - Indoctrination

CH 3: Next step.

“Questions are the answer to ignorance.”

-Cade

“Cade… I need you to answer my next question truthfully.” The Princess’s tone is dead serious, completely devoid of any emotion. A stoneface decades in the making, it sends a shiver up my spine

“Do Humans get into fights… often?” And she immediately undermines that aforementioned impregnable poker face with a super dumb fucking question, I mean, how could you not know that people fight alot!

That’s like asking if- if air is important to stay alive! Like, yeah! fucking DUH!

…

Wait…

If she doesn’t know the most basic of common knowledge about the Wasteland, that has to mean…

I’m not in the Wasteland!

I mean, maybe I should’a guessed with all the crayon horses walking around.

But… Why would she care if the humans are violent, if one of her soldiers tried to kill me right out the gate?

She must be trying to sell an image. Trying to make me think her people aren’t murdering psychopaths, attempting to convince me she’s some sort of ‘perfect goddess’ who long since established an entirely peaceful nation. A clever ruse. Well, two can play it that game.

“-Ahem- oh no, no! Of course not! That was the first time I've ever been in a fight! I imagine that poor lady feels down-right horrible about the whole situation right now!” That’s not… entirely a lie, I imagine that cunt feels very ‘horrible’ with the bullet hole in her chest.

And, yet, it seems to convince Princess Celestia as she visibly relaxes at my complete fabrication of events, I’m not surprised she bought the story, I’ve had years to practice that ‘innocent vault dweller’ look after all. The pip-boy and utility jumpsuit really help, I think.

“That takes a great deal of stress off my shoulders. The land of Equestria is an incredibly peaceful place, and if you were to have come from a… less than polite society it would make it much harder to properly
Introduce you to the populace.” A small smile gracing The Princess’s… muzzle, I guess?

God, she’s really tryharding this ‘benevolent ruler’ act.

“While we’re on the topic, what is the name of your homelands? Knowing where you're from will help us tremendously in locating your home so you may return.”

Shit.

Shit!

SHIT!

I didn’t think that far ahead! Alright, got to think fast.

“The…” Okay, good start.

“Republic…” Great, that already sounds like a country.

“Of…” I didn’t think this far, Republic of what?! Fuck she’s looking at me now, I gotta come up with something quick! Anything! Just say the first thing that comes to mind!

“Dave!”

…

Really?

“The republic of… Dave?” Celestia parrots, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“Yep!” Might as well stick with it now, I mean what’s she gonna do if she finds out I’m lying? Shoot me?

Well she is royalty, so she could probably have me…

Shize.

“I… can’t say I’ve ever heard of such a place,” Celestia starts slowly.

“Yeah well… it’s not very big, and it’s like, REALLY far away.” Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it.

“I see… this, ‘Republic of Dave’ wouldn't happen to be to the far West would it?”

“Oh yeah YEAH, it’s like WAY far west. Why?” Nice improv Me..

“Well. Most of the immediate west is still fairly undiscovered, if the ‘republic’ you hail from is as far away as you claim, it would explain why we have yet to hear of it. And, in turn it explains how we have yet to discover your species at all.” Celestia explains carefully, her voice soft with sympathy.

“Ah, well that’s… unfortunate.” I state neutrally.

“Indeed, and with this in mind, I must inform you that it will take quite some time to locate your home.”

“How long exactly?” I ask.

“Well, it’s difficult to put an exact number on such a grand undertaking, but being generous I would say at minimum… a few years.” As The Princess looks me straight in the eye, I can’t help but stare into the absolute sorrow in her large pink eyes.

Hm, must have taken quite a lot of theater class to get that good.

“I see. Well Princess, I hate to be rude, but you don’t plan on keeping me in this room until my home is found do you?”

“NO- -ahem-... Of course not.” She summons a large silver key with her… yellow glow, what is that shit? Some sort of advanced pre-war tech? How the fuck can they levitate crap, but they can’t find the Wasteland? Fucking dumbass horses.

“While in any other circumstance I would gladly allow you to stay in the castle… I’m afraid that I’m simply much too busy with preparation for this year's summer sun celebration, But, do not worry, I have no plans of simply leaving you to fend for yourself. Come, let us have a discussion with my faithful student Twilight.” The Princess inserts the key into each of my cuffs, one after the other. Unlocking them and allowing me to stand up, I follow her out of the room.

Stepping out into the hallway we’re met with the trio The Princess had banished from the room.

“Princess! Are you finally done talking with the creature? I was still hoping to discuss my trip…” The purple pony (that one's Twilight right?) trails off as she spots me stepping out just behind The Princess.

“That’s actually what we have come out here to discuss. You see, I do not have the ability to house Cade in the castle at this time. Fortunately, I have you, in addition to your task to manage the preparations of the summer sun celebration, and make friends, I am also giving you the responsibility of learning more about Cade’s homeland, and making him feel welcome in Equestria.”

That… sounds like a lot, like; ‘go make friends. Manage the set up of an entire festival. Oh, and learn all about this weird thing we found in the garden’.

You know what I think? I think she’s trying to keep her busy. Like she wants to keep her from having free time, but of course she isn’t gonna just say that, got to keep up that ‘kind mentor’ act.

“I-I… I…” Poor purple pony, can’t even muster up a word. She looks like she’s about to pass out, just looking ahead at the wall with a thousand yard stare.

“Princess?” A new voice speaks up.

No… not a new voice, that’s the guard that fuckin shot me!

“I don’t mean to doubt your judgment, but wouldn’t it be a little… reckless, to let the creature out with your student… unattended?” She asks, her gruff voice grading against my ears as she drags out the words.

“Ah, yes. I almost forgot, I am assigning Sergeant Blazing Strike as your personal escort to make sure you are safe while you are away.” Celestia adds. As if she hadn’t been asked anything. Wait, who’s Sergeant Blazing Strike

“W-wait! I didn’t mean me!” The gravel voiced guard answers.

Well fuck.